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“Do you think we could ever go back to what we were?” Sirius asked in the dark, quiet kitchen at Grimmauld Place. His eyes don't meet Remus', but he doesn't expect them to; it was a question the two of them had been dancing around for weeks on end. Sirius could not stand the silence without answers any more, even if it wasn't what he wished for, it would be better than this. Remus breathed in slowly, focusing on twisting his hands together like he had a habit of doing whenever he was anxious. A habit that had persisted since he had been young.
“I don’t know,”
“We’ve been through a lot together,” He whispered, watching as the flame of the candle flickered from his hushed words, noticing Remus nodding slowly from the corner of his eye. It was true, ever since they were children, they had been through unnecessary amounts of pain. But they had overcome all the challenges, Sirius could only hope this too would be able to be solved. Maybe they could just get through it, hand in hand. “I don’t want to lose you. You mean a lot to me, moons.” He didn’t mean for the old nickname to slip out; he had not called Remus that since their school days, but it just came so naturally that he barely even noticed the mishap. Remus smiled softly, teary eyes finally meeting Sirius’, the candle flame flickering between them as he leaned onto his hand, still smiling.
“You mean a lot to me, Siri,” He echoed Sirius’ words, returning the endearment. Despite already being said, they didn’t lose their meaning. Sirius had been his everything, his world and all these years he had missed him, maybe they still could be the centre of each other's universe. Maybe the magic was already gone; was there anything they could do about it? Had that simply been it, years of being forced to be apart would have broken them. “But, I don’t think we can be the same anymore.”
“Can we be anything? Ever…?”
“Maybe,”
Remus smiled at him, soft and inviting, and Sirius got up from his seat. Maybe he was being stupid, expecting too much, reading the situation wrong. But it wouldn't hurt even if he was, it was just Remus, it would be alright; with Remus, everything was in the end. He rounded the table over to where Remus was sitting, standing in front of him, feeling shy and warm inside just like all those years ago. He reached for Sirius' hands, taking them into his and pulling him slowly to sit on his lap. Sirius smiled, his cheeks blushed as he looked at Remus, their hands still interlaced.
“You're so pretty,” Remus whispered, taking one of his hands and cupping Sirius' cheek, caressing it gently. Sirius blushed the same way he always had, starting with a small hint of red on his nose, the rosy colour slowly making its way to his cheeks. His eyelashes cast soft shadows on his cheeks in the dim light, hiding away the freckles Remus knew to be there. It was truly a beautiful sight. “So, so pretty.”
Sirius smiled bashfully, looking down at his lap, then back up at Remus. His eyes were beautiful, deep amber colour with specks of brown in them. Sirius could study them for the rest of his existence, he could just get lost in them and their calmness. Remus smiled as he felt Sirius's eyes scan over his face, hand coming up to trace among the scars on his face. Sirius had always done that, ever since they were kids, and most of them were the same as then. He tracked them from memory, gently caressing them, remembering the map he had created years and years ago. There was a tiny scar in the corner of his eye that Sirius used to always press little kisses into. Remus hoped he would now, too.
Remus smiled at him, twirling one of the ebony curls around his finger, then tucking it behind his ear. He'd always liked Sirius' hair, long and curly, it had a silky smooth texture, even now after years of being mistreated. It had been matted and rough, but it was back to its old texture and length, framing his face perfectly. He remembered all the late evenings in the common room when he used to plait his hair, simple French braids, but they made Sirius so happy. In the summertime time he stuck flowers in them; there was a picture of that somewhere in his photo albums. Sirius had later pressed the flowers, sadly, they had gotten lost over the years.
“You aren't too shabby yourself,” Sirius smiled warmly, hand still resting on Remus' cheek. He smiled softly up at Sirius, a glimmer of hope shining in his eyes. Sirius leaned his forehead against Remus’ and he closed his eyes, breathing in the comforting scent of his cologne; Sirius had used the same one since he could remember. He could feel Sirius' gentle breathing against his face, which was warm and tickled slightly.
“Can I kiss you?” He asked quietly, barely above a whisper, simply breathing out a question. He didn't open his eyes, but felt the small movement of Sirius' head: breathing catching up just slightly at the delicate question. He leaned in, hearing his heartbeat in his ears, though it faded into the background as his lips brushed up against Sirius' soft ones. They stayed there for a moment before deepening the kiss, his hand came up to cup Sirius' cheek, holding him close. His other hand rested on his hip, feeling the soft fabric of his shirt underneath his fingertips. Sirius’ hand rested on his shoulder while the other played with the hairs at the back of his neck. The kiss tasted like sweet tea mixed with a slight hint of tobacco. It felt like finding a missing piece to a puzzle you have been trying to build for years, the image was now complete. With all the pieces there, it could never be broken without being able to build it back up.
The feeling was almost nostalgic; it felt similar to their first kiss. Equally as timid, but so, so good. Almost nothing had changed, mind for the slight stubble on Remus' face and a few wrinkles in the corners of their eyes. Mind for the physical changes, they felt like teenagers again, all the worries gone for this very moment. He felt the same warm, bubbly feeling in the bottom of his stomach. Sirius felt like all his anxious thoughts and feelings had settled, clicked into place piece by piece. Everything felt right, just like it had all those years ago in the Quidditch locker rooms right after a game that Gryffindor had won.
They pulled away from the kiss, staying close to each other, both grinning like idiots, just like when they had kissed for the first time. Remus brushed his hand through his hair, he simply couldn't get enough now that he had the boy back in his arms after all these years. “I missed you… I missed us .”
“I missed you too, and us,” Sirius whispered, his gaze softening ever so slightly as he leaned back in, “My moony.” He breathed out against Remus’ lips before pressing a chaste kiss on them
Remus smiled softly,
“My star.”