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Rio surveys the scene in front of her and smiles wide. The cruise ship carrying just under 3,000 passengers is only a day away from its scheduled return to shore, but unbeknownst to them, they'll never actually make it. Serves them right for calling it “Earth’s Mightiest Ship.”
She can see how it will play out perfectly in her mind. The careless actions of a handful of people leading to the demise of so many. A gas line not properly inspected slowly leaking into the lowest bowels of the ship. A pot of hot oil ignored too long causing a grease fire. A roaring inferno that’ll consume the upper deck in the blink of an eye and block off access to lifeboats before they can be of any use. After that, pure chaos. It’s going to be enormous and gruesome and spectacular, and she gets a front row seat to it all.
It’s almost time for the series of very unfortunate events to kickstart when Rio sees it. A woman lounging on one of the poolside deck chairs with her friends gets an odd look on her face. To others, if they even notice, she probably looks like she’s spaced out for a second, but Rio has seen that look a few too many times for her liking.
She quickly runs through possible scenarios in her head.
She could try to stall. She could conjure up some whales or dolphins or whatever cute aquatic animals humans are into these days. If they cause a big enough distraction, then the woman might not garner the attention she needs to throw everything else off. The likelihood of it actually working seems slim however based on previous experiences with these loudmouth types.
She could transform from her current state as an unseen force into a more corporeal form and physically stop the woman. It would be unorthodox, but knocking the woman unconscious would be a great way to release the now building tension in her temple and keep things on track. Unfortunately, that would probably also lead to a whole new slew of problems for her to deal with.
She could do nothing. Maybe it’s not what she thinks. The last few times it happened things got so convoluted and frustrating, she could just be imagining the same look on the woman's face. The woman probably just needs to sneeze or something.
“We have to get out of here, the ship is going to blow!”
Well fuck.
Rio groans loudly to no one in particular. In a matter of minutes the woman and her small group of friends are lowering a lifeboat with the help of a random worker who heard her ramblings and decided he also needed to get the hell out of dodge. The small boat hits the water just as the fire erupts and swiftly spreads out over the top deck. Just like that the rest of the boat goes down in flames as it should, but the six loose ends that get away are going to be the only thing Rio can focus on for the foreseeable future.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”
Rio storms into her home, frustration and outrage coursing through her body.
“Long day dear?” Her wife asks with an innocent look on her face. She’s draped across their couch, lazily flipping through a magazine with coverage of the cruise ship sinking muted on the TV. “Big accident today. I’m sure you had loads of fun.”
Rio glares at her. “Just tell me what I did this time.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
She absolutely knows what Rio’s talking about. The very first time this happened Rio forgot their anniversary. And yeah, it wasn't her best moment, but there was some plague going around and she got her days mixed up. Agatha insisted she wasn’t upset, but a few days later she gave some kid a premonition of his death that completely fucked up the balance of things. Rio spent the entire next week trying to figure out how to kill people without actually being the one to kill them.
Ever since then, when Rio fucks up, Agatha waits until a really big accident is going to happen, then gives someone a premonition. It's annoying and completely uncalled for considering Rio never intends to do the things she’s being punished for. Between the airplanes and highways and rollercoasters, Rio’s lost track of how many people she’s had to chase after because the love of her life is petty.
Rio rubs her forehead tiredly. “Listen baby, whatever I did, I’m sorry. Really. You know I love you and I’d never do anything to upset you.”
She’s laying it on thick, but there’s six people she needs to find creative ways to kill, and if she doesn’t figure out what she did wrong, Agatha will just make her do it for another group until she works it out.
Agatha hums and flips to the next page of her magazine, purposely not looking up at Rio. “If you wouldn’t do anything to upset me, then I’m sure you didn’t.”
“Fine! Be that way! But I didn’t do anything wrong and this is a dick move!” She throws her hands up and stomps out of the room.
The first person on her list is the cruise ship worker who made it out. He’s sitting at home by himself, making his way through a bottle of tequila as he calls seemingly every woman in his contact list.
“Oh come on, sugar! If I died without you getting a chance to ride the beast, wouldn’t you be just so sad.”
There’s a bit of muffled yelling, then the line goes dead.
“Bitch,” he mutters to himself before calling the next number.
Rio doesn’t feel remorse for her job, she’s Death and there are rules, end of story. However, dealing with pigs like this does give her a sense of deep satisfaction. If anyone deserves to get one of her maybe slightly horrific This is what you get for fucking with Death deaths, it’s probably the dude currently commenting wld smash if u lost 15 lbs and got boob job ;) on an eighteen year old’s Instagram.
Rio strategically makes her way through the man’s apartment, moving things ever so slightly. Just enough so if someone happens to trip and fall in the right way it would lead to a very harsh, probably bloody, death. If it was up to her she’d do it with her own two hands, but she has to follow the rules of the universe.
Once everything is set up and all she has to do is wait, she goes outside and pulls her phone out to call Agatha.
“Just so you know, I’m standing in the middle of the street in 30 degree weather, waiting for this dirtbag to die.”
“It’s the middle of June and you’re Death. I think you’ll be alright.” Agatha pauses to slurp something through a straw. “Why are you in the middle of the street? That sounds like a personal choice.”
Rio pouts, hoping Agatha can sense it over the phone. “It’s going to get really messy and I don’t want to get anything in my hair. I just washed it.”
“Again, it sounds like a personal choice.” Agatha teases and Rio catches a tinge of fondness in it.
“I just want to say,” Rio starts, putting as much sincerity in her voice as she can muster, “I’m really sorry I forgot to wash the dishes the other day. I said I’d do them before you got back from the store but got distracted. It’s no excuse and I should do better.”
There’s a breath of silence and Rio crosses her fingers hoping that she somehow got it on the first try.
Instead Agatha asks, “What dishes?”, in the most nonchalantly voice she’s ever heard.
Rio groans internally. Externally, she grits her teeth. “Well, even if you don’t remember, I’m sorry for not doing what I said I was going to do.”
Agatha makes a hmph sound, but doesn’t elaborate any further. “Can you pick up Chinese on the way home? I’m in the mood for some egg rolls.”
“I’m working if you recall,” Rio practically growls. “Oh, will you look at that, I missed it. Now he’s just a headless body and I didn’t even get to see it happen.”
“Oh, send pics.”
“I’m not going to do that.” Rio huffs and hangs up.
As she’s waiting for their food to be made, Rio texts Agatha a picture of her holding the man’s head in one hand and giving a thumbs up with the other.
Whether or not it’s fair that Rio does give these premonition survivors worse deaths than they originally would have gotten, is no one’s business. Sure it’s not really their fault Agatha got mad and decided to make her life difficult, but they could have just ignored their screaming friend and died as intended. Besides, who are they going to complain to?
The rest of her list are all people that had been travelling with Little Miss I can see the future, the next one a very skittish woman. Rio had witnessed countless different reactions to near death experiences, but they typically fit into the same few categories. This one was firmly in the If I never speak about the incident, then I can pretend I’m not deeply traumatized camp.
From what she’s gathered, the premonition girl had already begun the usual round of investigation and trying to convince the others she wasn’t crazy to believe there was a Death entity on the loose coming to collect their lives. It didn’t matter anyhow. Even if one or two of them were successful in evading her grasp in the moment, it all evens out in the end. All roads lead to the same place.
“You’re crazy!” the skittish woman yells in her friend’s face. They’re sitting in the outdoor portion of a cafe, just off of a park attempting to keep quiet so others can’t eavesdrop on their unique situation.
There’s not much to do for this one, the overly excitable ones typically don’t need much set up. The group’s argument is nowhere near the end, so Rio pulls her phone out and is about to text Agatha when a white blur catches her eye. She looks up and searches the area, squinting as she tries to hone in on the object. The white blur zooms by again, and this time Rio sits up straight dropping her phone down on the table. The third time the blur tries to zip past, Rio’s ready, throwing her hands out to capture it.
“Got you!”
She grins gleefully and is met with a nose twitch. Rio carefully picks up her phone and snaps a picture of the two of them to send to Agatha. It takes less than a minute to receive a reply.
beautiful, loving wife: let him go, he has errands to run
Senor Scratchy stares at her, there’s a small purple backpack strapped to him.
what kind of errands?
beautiful, loving wife: none of your business
Rio attempts to open the bag, but Scratchy tries to bite her finger off in response.
he said he couldn’t possibly complete his tasks knowing you’re upset with me
beautiful, loving wife: he said no such thing
Rio sends another picture of the two of them featuring a pout on her face.
he said you should forgive me for leaving such a big mess in the basement because i thought replotting some plants inside was a good idea even though you told me to go outside
Rio watches the three dots appear, disappear, and reappear on her screen multiple times. She starts anxiously petting Scratchy as she waits for Agatha’s response. She’s so focused on her phone she completely misses the group of survivors following the skittish woman out of the restaurant as she tries to desperately get away from them. She also misses the woman tripping and stumbling directly into a woodchipper being used by the park maintenance crew. She’s so caught up in waiting to see what Agatha will say, she doesn’t realize people are screaming until the blood hits her square in the face.
It’s not a pretty sight by any means, the mangled body is sticking halfway out of the machine as a worker throws up next to it. Rio still grins, blood seeping into her mouth as she does. That might be one for the books.
Her phone buzzes, and Rio immediately looks down. She sees just how much of that woman both her and the rabbit still in her arms are covered in. They’re going to need several showers.
beautiful, loving wife: don’t forget we’re going to alice and jen’s tonight
Rio sighs and starts to clean the blood off of Scratchy and herself.
Rio’s pretty proud of this one. Really, it was a combination of coincidence, good aiming, and just a smidge of luck, but she managed to get two in one. Literally. One of the men and another woman in the group of survivors are currently splayed out together in an overtly painful way.
The accident involved the overly confident man who had figured he wasn’t next on the list and therefore could drive twice the speed limit without any repercussions. Unfortunately for him, a nail that just so happened to find its way into the middle of the road blew out his tire, causing him to veer directly into the entrance of a sporting goods store that his friend was walking out of. His friend who was just above him on the list. The force had sent her straight through his windshield, where the brand new knife she just purchased for a sense of security went directly through his chest.
The panic that arises from the picture of shattered glass, the body lying limp on the hood of the car, and two puddles of blood pooling together means there’s no one at the register when Agatha and Rio walk up. Agatha impatiently taps her foot as they wait for someone, surveying the scene before them.
“That’s a bit out there, don’t you think?” Agatha asks, but the glint in her eyes tells Rio she’s somewhat proud of the display.
“Oh, you know me,” Rio says with a shrug, “always striving for the best. Some say attention to detail is my forte.”
Agatha purses her lips, playfulness suddenly gone. “I’m not going to stand here like an idiot until someone decides they want to do their job.” She snatches the box of running shoes off the counter and starts to make her way to the semi-blocked store entrance.
Rio frowns. She feels like she should be getting closer to figuring out why Agatha’s upset with her, but she’s still drawing a blank. She silently follows her wife, making sure to carefully step over the debris and blood on her way out.
“A gun, really? That’s the best you could come up with.” Agatha looks completely unimpressed.
“I am running out of ideas, Agatha!” Rio pinches the bridge of her nose. “There are only so many ways I can make a knife fall into a person in a way that seems accidental and is also deadly. How do you even know what happened?”
Scratchy decides to hop into the room, timing as perfect as always. Rio narrows her eyes at the rabbit who seems to narrow his own back at her. They stare one another down until Agatha reaches out a hand beckoning Scratchy towards her with promises of behind the ear scratches.
Rio glares and mutters, “Traitor.”
“He’s hardly a traitor when he’s my familiar.”
Agatha picks the rabbit up and gives him a small kiss on the head. He looks at Rio with the most arrogant expression. She bares her teeth at him.
“Don’t start fighting with Scratchy, you know he’s going to win.”
Rio’s pretty sure Agatha is saying that just to get under her skin. It still works.
“Crazy that you have no trouble having a narc in your home,” Rio says, jaw tight. “You think he’s loyal now, but just wait until someone bribes him with a strawberry. Or a crunchwrap. You know how much he loves fake Mexican food.”
Agatha gives her a pointed look. “At least he doesn’t do dumb things and expect me to just get over them like nothing.”
“I bet whatever I did you weren’t even around to see.” Rio scoffs. “That’s it isn’t it? Your little spy saw me do something and ratted me out.”
Agatha shoots daggers at her. “You are not putting the blame on him for something you did.”
“Fine, then I’m sorry for taking your car on a joyride and spilling Mountain Dew all over the front seat. It took me a while to clean it because I had to drive home and make sure it didn’t stain my new Snoopy shirt. My bad for having priorities I guess.”
Agatha looks up, the look on her face making it clear this is the first she’s hearing about this. “Is that why there were ants crawling around in my car for a week? You said you had no idea what was going on.”
Rio swallows, suddenly realizing the only way out of the room is the door behind Agatha. “Okay, that was obviously not a great idea, lying to you, but in my defense I can be pretty dumb.”
“I had to get it detailed twice!”
Scratchy gives her a sympathetic look later as Rio grabs a blanket and flops down on the couch for the night. Not sympathetic enough to not take her spot next to Agatha in their bed however.
This is it. The final girl. She’s decently smart, certainly a lot more intuitive than her friends. Rio would admire her fortitude if it hadn’t meant a four day stand off with Rio not so patiently waiting for her to leave the tiny, practically empty cabin she had holed herself up in. This whole ordeal has been an absolute pain in the ass and all she wants to do is be done with this batch of whiny humans and go home.
The second the woman feels her presence, she starts whipping around and yelling into the open air. She’s spouting nonsense about “never giving up” and “surviving” and other sentiments she probably thinks are original. If she really was so gung-ho about surviving, she probably should’ve stayed in the cabin instead of venturing outside to sit by a lake. In any regards, Rio’s had everything ready to go for days and all she has to do is sit back and watch it happen.
It’s big and bloody and magnificent. Not quite as glorious as the cruise ship, but a more than okay way to end this game. The woman’s body twitches wildly, foam pouring out of her mouth as the electric current runs through her body. Blood starts dripping out of her eyes as gargled noises fill the air. The transformer on the power line begins smoking and letting off sparks. The transformer explodes from the overload, and the body finally stills.
Rio smiles gleefully.
Then she remembers that she still doesn’t know what she did that caused all of this and that most likely means Agatha finding another person to give a premonition. The thought of that sends her rushing home immediately.
“Please just tell me what I did.” Rio falls to her knees, hands clasped in desperation. “I can’t take any more of these stupid people trying to figure out Death’s design. They’re all so fucking annoying! Die! That’s the design, just die!”
Agatha looks genuinely taken aback by Rio’s dramatic display. She’s sitting at their kitchen table, cup of coffee in hand. Scratchy is seated next to her on the table in front of a bowl of fresh lettuce. He looks equally as perplexed.
“I take it you got through your list of people,” Agatha says cooly, taking a sip from her cup.
Rio nods, looking dejected. "I did and it sucked. Even if I like watching them finally meet their end, having to come up with these fresh ways of offing them is so tiring. I can’t keep doing this, please Agatha, just tell me. Whatever it was, I know I didn’t really mean it.”
Agatha clicks her tongue and looks away from Rio. She looks like she’s very carefully mulling over how much longer she wants to torture her wife. When she speaks, it’s so low Rio almost doesn’t hear it.
“I don’t remember.”
Rio feels like she just got slapped in the face. “Please tell me you’re joking.”
Agatha meets her gaze and grimaces. Rio groans loudly as she presses her fists into her tired eyes.
“In my defense, I was mad about something,” Agatha says quickly. “I was fuming for days!”
Rio lowers her hands instantly and scowls. “About what?”
That shuts Agatha up. She does actually look sheepish, and when she reaches a hand out to cup Rio’s face, she can’t help but fully lean into it.
“You did some really great work, my love.”
Rio hums at Agatha’s praise. “I thought the woodchipper was a nice touch.”
Agatha nods. “It certainly was.”
Rio sighs and stands up. “I need a nap so bad.” She leans in and gives Agatha a kiss before turning to stumble upstairs. “In the future when I do something dumb, can you just like make me stay at Lilia’s or something? I’m getting too old for this.”
“I don’t know, I think keeping you on your toes like this benefits all of us.”
“Agatha!”
“I’m just kidding! No more premonitions." She pauses until Rio is at the stairs. "Unless you do something monumentally stupid.”
Rio mentally starts making a list of new ways to kill people.