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I’ve been stuck here for ages. At least, that’s how it felt.
In reality, it hasn’t been that long at all. Not much time has passed since my death. Everything about it still seems so surreal. The excruciating pain of having water flood your lungs, the desperation of clinging onto life. I suppose I took advantage of what I had. People die everyday, and it was always easy to accept. Though, now that I've taken a turn, I’ve come to the realization that I did too little. Those New Year's resolutions I never finished; that bucket list left unchecked, there were still so many things out there to do. But all I can do now is rot away in this murky water. I never did enjoy swimming all too much.
The other campers try. They want to attempt to live here; salvage whatever humanity is left in them for as long as they can. Remembering how they once spent a day before coming to this forsaken island. From time to time, I see others pass by. Lindsay insists that the lake can provide as a foot soak for her pedicures. I had to interpret that to the others since her way of signing was incredibly wonky. Owen tried to conversate, but with Geoff attached to him I could never speak properly without feeling some sort of guilt. I couldn’t look them in the eyes. Sometimes, I was glad that my vision was deteriorating. It felt better to cast myself away from this harsh reality. Yet, I still wanted to see. I hated to say it, but being alone in times like these is my greatest fear. It used to be my favorite thing in the world. I loved to lay back and read a book in my room. It was better when I could be cozy under some shade and think to myself about the plot or storyline of a book.
Being in the woods alone was horrifying. I never want to experience something like that ever again. Despite being an absolute prick to those around me, I was still grateful for Lindsay’s idiotic monologues that made me want to tear my eardrums. I was grateful for Owen’s company, even when his talks about food made me miss eating. Everyone else who passed by and gave a simple hello made it feel like enough. As long as I knew someone was there for me. If my eyes gave out one day, just the sound of a voice could make everything better. I’d never admit those things to anybody, though. I was supposed to be the stoic, arrogant boy. There was nothing else to it. I couldn’t tell anybody I missed home; couldn’t mention how deeply I yearned to be comfortably underneath my tons of blankets. There was no reason to whine about the freezing cold water that seeped into my skin. There were people who suffered far more than I did. What right do I have to complain? It isn’t easy to open up to people. That’s why I sit at the bottom of the lake with my thoughts sometimes. Bottling up my thoughts was way better than spilling my regrets to someone else. At least, that was my take on everything. I was the only one who understood how much I missed my family.
How much I missed Cody.
Oh, that thought squirmed its way through again. Darn. I wasn’t fond of thinking about him. It made things here feel less bearable. After all, if he was here I’d probably enjoy his company more than anyone else on the island. Again, never admitting that aloud either. I was just glad to know he had gotten away instead of being stuck in this shitty hellhole like the rest of us. He’s out there living his life and…finding new people.
It bothered me. Of course, that sounded wrong, but I wanted to be there too; have myself in the picture. Instead, I was wasting away in a lake I was tethered to. I really hit rock bottom, didn’t I? There was nothing I wanted more than to see Duncan in the same position as us here on the island. For fucks sake, I’d rather it have been Courtney that escaped than him. He better carry that guilt for the rest of his life. It didn’t matter to me anymore; none of these chummy emotions did. As much as I yelled, nobody would hear it any longer. If I cried, did it matter? It wouldn’t change anything. Going to someone else with all these feelings when they can barely pull it together themselves? Nonsense is what it is. I’m better off here at the bottom of the lake where nobody can no longer hurt me. Not that piece of shit murderer, not Chris, not Duncan..hell, even Cody can fuck off. Who does he think he is leaving me behind?
Yet, I didn’t mean any of that. I could holler it in Cody’s face and still not mean a single thing. The other three could definitely die, though. Wouldn’t miss ‘em.
Sometimes, I try to convince myself that I’m nuts. Other times, I know it’s just because I miss it all. Eugh, I hated it. Why did Cody and I have to get so close? I’ve felt this way with other people before. What made him so different? I never even got to say goodbye. The way he cried…I had never seen somebody sob like that over someone like me. Yeah, I died, but it felt special compared to if anybody else had found my body.
I’m getting way too caught up in this. I needed to stop with these emotional shenanigans. This is exactly why I was going to stay right here. I didn’t need to stay in contact with the others. Things were going to be fine just the way they are. I didn’t need Cody.
I didn’t.
At the end of my small self tantrum I must’ve dozed off a minute. The dead couldn’t sleep, but closing my eyes for long periods of time felt somewhat similar. What disturbed me from above seemed to be two hands splashing crazily in the water, and eventually I was able to see Beth pop her head into the water. Whatever she was trying to say came out as gurgles, and I tried to ignore it. Couldn’t she see I wasn’t in the mood? Within a few minutes I had to force myself to swim upward to get her to zip it. Rising to the surface made my eyes hurt. The sun was out and I was adjusted to the dark water well. The two mixing? It wasn’t pleasant. “Noah! Noah!” She took her head out of the water and always gave off that.. charming smile. Was it possible for a dead person to get a headache? I didn’t like Beth very much. I wouldn’t exactly say I hate her, but her sympathy towards Chris is so frustrating. We never interacted that much anyway. What did she want? I want to go back to my pretend sleep.
“Something you need, Beth? Something that doesn’t concern me?” I muttered that last part, and I guess having her head under the water too long allowed me to get away with it. “What?” She cocked her head to the side and I shook my own. “Nothing..what did you want?” Her face lit up again and I almost felt sorry for my words just now. “People are here! Real people! I think it’s our friends!”
What? Pfft. That was impossible. Who the hell would want to come back after everything that happened? I sure wouldn’t.
“Beth, did losing your glasses make you twice as blind? Why would they be here?” I scoffed, feeling insulted. Her frown spoke volumes, though. Was she serious? “Noah, I’m not joking! I have to tell the others! You were the closest so I came to you first.” She pouted, putting her hands on her hips like a disappointed mother. “Maybe they’re here to visit us.” Beth murmured herself before deciding to walk away and look for the other campers. Yeah, walk away. I didn’t admire liars.
After all, hours passed and I hadn’t seen anybody other than Justin’s face reflecting in the water, and Tyler passing by to look for Lindsay. Playing around with the small pebbles near the water wasn’t exactly a great way to pass the time either. How could I have expected more from someone who empathized with a prick like Chris? At this point it’d be better to strangle myself with the rope around my neck than keep leaning into false hope.
But that’s when I heard it.
“I found it!” A woman’s voice called out. I turned in the water to see Leshawna. She wore a leopard printed coat with some fur around the hood. Has it been getting colder already? Others followed behind her, but the person I really wanted to see came running past everyone to catch up to Leshawna.
It was Cody. He had a silly coat on too. One of those childlike ones you’d see at the store for clearance because people thought the design was bad. His smile was beaming too. “Yes! I can’t believe you found it!” He shook Leshawna on the shoulder and she giggled at his behavior. He approached the small dock with a smile, but he still looked hesitant. Maybe everything was coming back to him. It was him who found me here after all. The others caught up, and I rolled my eyes at the sight of Duncan. Everyone else looked pretty okay, though. I would’ve been lying if I said I didn’t miss Eva or Izzy. Seems like they might’ve missed me too judging by the way they stared out at the lake as if they could find me in there. Cody looked to be doing the same before realizing how much he was frowning. He removed the gloves he was wearing and set them aside before feeling the rough wood underneath him. “You think he’s here?” He attempted at some silly grin, but it only made him look sadder. Leshawna huffed, and walked onto the platform herself. “Yeah, short stuff. Definitely watching right now, saying something crude about your jacket.” She giggled at her own joke and caused Gwen to laugh along. “He’s probably saying something snarky about our decision to come back here.” Gwen clasped a hand over her mouth to stifle the giggles, but paused when noticing that Cody was beginning to cry. What they said wasn’t far from the truth at all, though. Typical me.
“Oh! That wasn’t meant to be offensive–” Gwen panicked before Cody started chuckling himself, even if he was crying at the same time. “No, no! That’s..that’s exactly what I needed to hear.” He wiped his eyes and paused when Leshawna put a hand on his head. “Need some time alone? Some of us still have some mourning to do elsewhere.” Her reassuring smile was so warm. I couldn’t help but stare. I wanted the comfort of another person. Though, it was always me that pushed everyone else away. There was no throwing that blame onto other people. Cody nodded, assuring the others he knew the way back, but once they were out of sight he sighed. “As if I’d leave my final resting place.” He scooted closer to the water and stared into the deep blue. It’s as if he knew I was right there in front of him. For the first time in who knows how long...I felt alive.
But what exactly did he mean by final resting place?
“Noah, you there?” The question sounded genuine, but I doubt he expected an answer. Not like I could give one anyway. He changed positions, bringing his knees close to him and hugging them for support. “I tried life out for a year. It..didn’t feel the same. Maybe this stupid island really got to my head.” Has it really been that long? He grumbled, moving again to lay on the dock, his hands slumped over to make contact with the water. As he played with it, creating those capillary waves every time he dipped his finger into the cold water, he’d furrow his eyebrows and look so deep in thought. If I wasn’t dead, I’d have pulled him in for a damn kiss already. Or my self confidence makes me believe I would’ve.
Cody used his finger to stir the water into one of those mini whirlpools, using his whole hand to get rid of it. “Y’know I did my best to move on. I wanted to forget everything that happened here. I guess it just isn’t that easy, huh?”
No, it isn’t.
“I tried those stupid therapy groups, stepped out of my house a little more, I even got invited out by the other survivors to places to hangout!” Cody was an easygoing person. You’d never think in a million years that someone like him was piling so much onto his shoulders. At least– I never thought about him that way. It wasn’t until we really began getting along on the island that he managed to open up to me. Those dumb chummy moments between the two of us could always live in my head rent free.
“No matter what I did, everything always came back to you.” It was flattering to know Cody was thinking of me even after leaving this cruddy island, but that didn’t stop the guilt either. “It’s almost like you’re haunting me. Yet, the funny thing is I don’t want it to stop. Pff..That sounds incredibly stupid.” He turned himself over and stared above. The sun was setting and slowly gleaming stars started appearing in the sky. The moon follows right after, making its presence known, and Cody laughs. “Moon always reminds me of you. There isn’t a day where I don’t look outside my window to get a glimpse of it. Looks so gloomy and miserable.” His own teasing only makes him laugh more. I frowned at first, but found myself chuckling at his idiocy within minutes. “That book you recommended to me before..I decided to read it. Well– have an app read it for me.”
I scoffed. Really, Codemeister?
“Til death do us part. I never really thought about the message before everything that happened here.” He sighed, turning again to lay on his stomach.
My whole body jolted and swam backward at the way he slammed his fist into the wood. Then, he kept doing it over and over. I reached out, but what could I do? Anything I tried would just result in my hands phasing through his body. He seemed to be angry, but that wasn’t like Cody. If you looked close enough, it was obvious he was crying. After he roughed up his hand, the hits got weaker, and eventually he stopped trying to be mad. Now Cody just had his face pressed up against the dock while sobbing. If this wasn’t as serious as it was, I would’ve laughed at his antics. “--Fucking hate this. I fucking hate Duncan..Chris..I’m talking to a lake..” His words came out in babbles, but it was obvious he was upset. Did things really have to be this way? The worst of this was supposed to come from being trapped on an island with other dead teenagers. Cody sobbing and crying on my lake wasn’t part of whatever unsigned deal I had with the Grim Reaper. Blasphemous. I’d like my life back now; please.
“Gwen said things would get better. She told me that one day I’d see you again.”
Cody took off his coat and shivered. “Wow, it’s getting so cold out..” The colorful clothing fell to his side. “Bet the water is even colder..” He muttered, and suddenly I understood. Final resting place…
Cody never did plan on going back with the others.
He eyed the water with disdain, but shook himself off and clenched his fists.
What was he thinking? Whatever the fuck the Gods heard me say before, they had to be aware I didn’t mean it, right?
I shouted. It was a simple and drastic attempt at getting Cody to stop this train of thought. My mouth opened, and another yell came from me. It was dumb. He couldn’t hear me. Cody was going to drown himself in these waters because of me. The others were going to find him dead because I just happened to die here. My eyes widened seeing him jump in with a splash. Fuck this. I wanted to close my eyes; not deal with the sight of it.
But I remembered how I felt that day. There was nothing I wanted more than to be comforted and held close. Embarrassing, wasn’t it? If I couldn’t be there in person, I could at least be present in spirit. I let myself sink into the water, my eyes landing on Cody. A few seconds had passed, but he was already struggling against the water. Drowning wasn’t a good feeling. It burned. There were other ways to go about death. It was strange. Experiencing it myself, seeing the way Cody would inhale water made me sick. How could he be so willing? I fought for my life, scratched at the man who caused my death. Cody..was here because he wanted to be. And that alone hurt more than anything.
My own eyes watered. I didn’t even know they still could. Everything was happening so fast.
Some reflex made me dash to Cody instantly. My hands grabbed at something I couldn’t reach. He can’t just die here. What about everyone who cares about him? It worsened when Cody started to go completely unconscious. His eyes were closing, and I feared he would close them forever. I couldn’t bear the gut-wrenching guilt. In the heat of the moment I hugged him hoping it’d help both him and I. Then I realized another thing.
I was hugging Cody, and I wasn’t phasing through him.
My body jerked away from him out of surprise and I couldn’t help but stare. Wait. I didn’t understand. Though, I didn’t plan on asking. What’s important now is making sure Cody was okay.
The bottom of the lake was my safest space. I was hoping it could be Cody’s too.
I laid him down on the ground, poking around at his face as if it’d wake him up. In a way…it felt– decent. Interacting with the other camps was something I barely did, let alone touch them. He wasn’t waking up, though. It was starting to worry me deeply. “Cody..! Earth to Cody..” I lightly slapped his cheek and repeated the action until I got a groan out of him. “Nn..Five more minutes..No..years..” I’ve never rolled my eyes so far back into my skull. His eyes snapped open when I shook him violently and he gasped, sitting up. “What the–” Cody whipped his head in both directions, extra surprised to see me by the way his jaw dropped and then beamed.
“Noah!!” He gave off that toothy grin and pulled me in for a hug. “Ah– H–Hey..Codester..!” My words were jumbled and nervous. Did I just stutter? What the fuck was wrong with me? I was about to hug back, but thought things over. “Woah, woah! Cody–..Aren’t you aware you’re dead right now? Is none of this surprising to you–?” Was I the only one showing genuine concern right now?
Cody paused. He raised up an arm and gasped louder than he did when he woke up. “Holy–! You’re right!” His hands started patting himself everywhere before doing the same to me; cupping my face and turning it in all directions. “This is– this is crazy..!” I had to grab at his shoulders and keep him at a distance to stop him. “I think you’d be crazier by not questioning what was going on.” I rolled my eyes and Cody smiled; a genuine smile. “That’s the Noah I remember.” Instead of shrugging my hands off his shoulders, he laid his hand upon one of them.
“I just..didn’t panic because I saw you. Missed you, y’know? If I’m– not hallucinating or whatever.” He sighed, and in response I pinched him. “Ow! Ow! Okay! Point proven!” He pushed at me and I groaned. “Missed me..right.” Cody didn’t look impressed with that response. “I did. After all the events that happened here..There really wasn’t much to my life. The others would try and invite me out; really considerate of them too. I was the one that didn’t reciprocate. That’s why eventually I convinced them into coming back! It must’ve been eating at them too.” That wasn’t an answer I was expecting. Cody didn’t seem like the sorrowful type. I guess everyone has their secret side to them.
“You still shouldn’t have done.. this. You had me worried sick. Y’know trauma exists, right?” My hands felt clammy. Was that possible? It got worse seeing the cringe on Cody’s face. “I didn’t even know anyone was watching..! I’m sorry, okay?” That wasn’t fixing anything. If the God’s could still hear me, I hope the worst on every single one of them. “It’s boring as hell here. You’ll regret it. How could you even do this to yourself? The others will come looking.”
Cody just laughed. He laughed. Was this some joke to him? Was I being a buzzkill?
He hugged me this time. I didn’t push away. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten a decent hug. “How could I complain when what I wanted the most is right in front of me? The others..can manage..I hope. I didn’t think it all the way through.” He jolted slightly seeing a small chuckle come from me. It was small, but it felt nice. This..was nice.
“Whatever you say Codester. You’ll be begging for life soon.” Cody squeezed tighter, and I felt a light peck on my cheek. A gasp elicited from me and I pulled back with surprise. “With you as company–?” He laughed seeing the shock in my expression.
“I’ll be just fine.”