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Never had he once had to explain his way in life, nor why he lived that way.
Why? Because he loves his life as it is.
From a very young age, he detested how limited his life felt by living in a very small town, in an also very small province inside the cold walls of Nordic territories. He didn't hate the land nor the people nor his parents nor being born there, because it held his most precious memories— but still hated not knowing his way through the straight line in his life.
He liked stillness, yet hated routine like it was a terminal disease. He liked knowing his folks and still hated being known by everyone. He felt he was up for great things, but never got a glimpse of what would be the beginning of his never-ending journey.
Axel was never satisfied in life, no, he always had an all-consuming curiosity about everything, always craving for more in his vast amalgamation of knowledge and experience — never for satisfaction but for embracing. Of what? He didn’t know.
He desired to share, to absorb, to unify everything that came to him until it became another cell forming him; but could never accept that others had that equal obsessive vision as his own. He grew as an observing, introverted kind of person, always holding his cards close to his chest and his words checked on his tongue, ready to quickly soothe any attempt of over-sharing— but in all honesty he rarely allows, he needed to be let loose, rightfully transforming into an overwhelming tornado of extrovertness unknown even for himself.
But from the start, Axel accepted that, even mourned that, was never, not even ideally to happen.
However, being proved wrong always made Axel exhilarate in joy since always. A very secret indulgence of his whenever he realized a mistake, as happened when he met Jakob for the first time. Maybe it was true that one could manifest things, but Axel didn't believe in coincidences and certainly Jakob materialising in front of him wasn't one.
Everyone would confuse Jakob as a much younger guy rather than his actual age given how he always acted as a child, reaching insane levels of immaturity; but still could effortlessly charm anybody he wanted as he pleased. And how well Jakob played football, Axel admired.
Nevertheless, Jakob was far from stupid (not Axel real thoughts, but rumours are always told). Some days he couldn’t stand his jokes or his extrovertness. Still, Axel liked Jakob, enjoyed his company and his wildness in ways he couldn’t name. They grew attached very quickly as both shared a passion for exploring many subjects, especially arts and music.
Singing wasn't the strong part of Axel at the time, but he could make deep and high-pitched voices and played so many instruments, breathing through cords and notes that always made sense in a strange way.
Jakob, on the other hand, had a natural talent for it, changing tones so smoothly and so precisely people mistakenly thought he was reaching puberty in the way his voice became richer. In reality, he practiced, from lower to higher, the different ways he could sing (and speak when he felt funny).
The duo, as Jakob immediately referred, had a perfect balance.
And still, Axel perceived this “perfect balance” as unstable, as if the tiniest breeze would shatter all their progress beyond repair. Axel didn’t want to recognize it, but he was terrified that this uncomfortable feeling would never stop shaking him.
He wasn't thinking of forming a music band, it was more of a hobby for them when life got boring. Yet, the puzzle was incomplete and Axel never stopped thinking what it could be; even when his Suzuki decided to stall him completely in the middle of the track.
‘Fucking perfect time! ’ Axel muttered as if he didn’t have enough on mind.
He moved the motorbike fine, but the road was still muddy from a three days in a row of raining like it was the Great Flood, but having no Ark to save anybody. And while he could maneuver it, the mix of mud and freeze dirt made it harder to take him and the bike out of the way.
Axel didn’t realize, but behind him was another boy quietly pushing the bike. Unexpectedly, the answer to his dilemma stood in front of him, in the form of a slim, taller, golden brown messy haircut stick figure guy named Kevin. Kevin was everything that Jakob nor Axel wasn't, even for his age. Kevin was more private and laid-back, not timid but also not so outgoing unless there was someone alongside with him, and walked like his limbs weren't his. And he was younger than them.
Kevin, Jakob pointed out a while later, after meeting in a party, made the two of them more recognizable by making them look shorter, even setting a difference by centimeters where it didn’t even exist before in the former duo. Also, Kevin had a strange, attractive physique.
But his voice, his riffs, everywhere where he poured his heart and mind, always outstanded— an imposing presence that could be felt from anywhere. Intimidating sometimes, but far from menacing coming from a guy who’s more of a pacifist, yet ready to punch anyone who dared to offend his people.
And, on an important note, Axel had to accept that Kevin was even more obsessive than him, boarding maniac levels when he focused on a note or a lyric that felt wrong, out of place in what they were composing. Also, his notes were always on-point, better than what Axel would ever come up with.
Before those events, the three of them were invisible even if they stood in front of the other, even when they went to the same school (even having proof of that in the school’s annual book!). Later, Axel figured out that the puzzle was finally assembled, revealing the much awaited result to his pleas.
It started as a hobby born to kill time, to distract them from school and, later, college. They never spoke about turning it into something serious, an actual career aside from their own current studies; but it weighed more and more after Kevin voiced it.
‘KAJ makes more sense.’ The taller one commented while holding a giggling Jakob.
‘It's just our initials.’ Axel answered, slowly catching what he meant.
‘And represents us, not anyone else.’ Completed Jakob like he made some significant insight.
Axel laughed at it, because as much seriousness he wanted to give, there was none. There was no better expression of what they envisioned than this one, a trio that wanted to make fun of spelling and phonetics of two languages that were so similar, yet so different.
Humour as the core of the group, complemented with satire, intelligent criticism that was a big “fuck you” to the world.
KAJ was born, and so were many projects later.
***
It's been a long time and the three can't believe just how far they went. What started as simple bad comedy on YouTube, slowly turned into gigs and tours through the country they never left, yet never stopped travelling inside.
Still, KAJ never lost its roots from the very core that made them known without them intending to do so. They never prayed for fame, but never expected to fly so high and out of the borders they got to know by hand.
Europe made sure that such a small group, from such a (not so) small country went unnoticed for a long time, but still never closed its door to them; to which, later, would make sure that it skyrocketed beyond limits. Not only in the continent, but beyond it.
Still, Axel recognised how much has changed since the boys that formed the group; how much they changed, although for him they stayed very much the same.
Jakob never stopped being the wild extrovert with the boyish smile, but turned out to be the main voice of the group; yet not the main protagonist. His voice, the once high pitched, was the main change of himself; but never stopped being the intense guy that has nothing but love for what he does and those who he stands for.
Kevin, on the other hand, turned out more handsome, aging like fine wine, and elegant— he even learnt how to use his limbs!. However, he developed a difficulty in using technology in general, needing help when he would shut down his phone unintentionally, turning into the inside, much needed comedy relief of the group. He stayed quiet, observing, but he showed glimpses of his own funny side when the camera catched him.
And Axel, well, he was very much the same person from the start. He didn't like being the center of the stage, but naturally embraced it as he became an important part of the group with his vast skills in, well, everything— from brain to leader to dancer to support, everything at once. Also, he became like the middle meeting of the two extremes of the group. He was wild and cringe at the same he was wise and calmer.
Which, intentionally or not, it showed in many pictures taken through the time and uploaded on the internet, an important witness for the world to see. A testimony of who they were, what they did and how best they spent their time.
‘Here, say cheese!’ Jakob pointed at the tower far from where they stood, Axel and Kevin on each side of it.
‘You have like 10 more of the same pose.’ Axel bemused, as if it changed something.
‘But not in this part of Tokyo.’ Jakob pouted his lips, a clear sign that he wanted to get that picture at any cost.
And he would, because there was nothing more disarming than when he made that puppy kicked face, much for Axel’s taste.
‘C’mon, man, I want to keep walking instead of stopping every two seconds.’ Axel grumbled.
Before something could transpire, Kevin meddled between the two, always intuitive of their shenanigans. ‘Let's try a different angle.’ He calmly proposed, having that relaxing effect between them. How he did, they never knew; but for the youngest of the trio, it was a possibility.
He pointed to the street, rays of sunshine bathing his face in gold, taking some years off of him, and looked at Axel to indicate to get closer to him and extend his right arm behind, where Jakob watched amused.
‘Schakob,’ Kevin's voice changed the most of the three, carrying that sweet soothing tone of an older soul, ‘give us your hand and take the pic.’ He turned to where the other was, giving that smile that would melt anyone and apparently them too.
That picture, Axel recalls now, painted them as if Michaelangelo’s himself imprinted it in the Sixtine Chapel— beautiful, soft brush strokes of vivid colours of a time that happened years ago, yet lived like it was today.
He liked the way their hands grabbed on each other, softness meeting calluses, enclosing time in such delicate space threaded between their fingers, losing where one ends and the other starts.
A couple's picture , his mind supplied. And he had to agree.
A gold band went unnoticed, he noticed, in the mass of fingers fusioning. ‘It's because nobody knows we're married.’ Kevin joked, so rare of him to do.
At the time Axel didn't give enough thoughts to it, just a memory from one the many trips they took. Now, it downed on him just how long it's been since the three of them stayed together.
It felt like a lifetime spent between the three of them, though it wasn’t.
Because KAJ wasn't just a group of three people, it was a long-term pairing of souls and hearts and ideas beautifully tied by a love that’s even transcending what's considered divine within earthly limits.
How grounding it was when they comforted each other by resting a hand on the other’s thigh, soothing the rising anxiety. How normal it became to kiss each other's cheek as a token of good luck when it was supposed to be reserved to a partner. How they could be so vulnerable because they complemented each other so well.
How they vowed themselves to each other from the beginning, without a doubt in their hearts. Like Queen's own oath of every single thing they did would belong to the band, their world, them .
Because there was no way his life would be fulfilled if just one of them went missing. A single, hot tear rolled down Axel’s cheek at the mere idea of what Jakob and Kevin, Kevin and Jakob, meant for him.
At night, Axel is sitting outside under a night showered by the dim, tilting lights of the stars. It was starting to get warm, although it could also be the side effect of the whisky settled next to him. He's not a drinker, but tonight he felt like allowing himself a very deserved glass while reflecting on his own life and how fast it changed, more after Eurovision.
‘I can’t believe they don’t approve of the song!’ Jakob complained in disbelief. ’It’s just meant to be fun, not obscene!’
‘In their words, swearing is prohibited within the rules.’ Axel sighed heavily.
Truth to be told, it was excessive… to say they have to change a tiny part of the song because it was annotated as a “bad word” and not respecting the family friendly theme that Eurovision wanted to apply in their show. Since when Eurovision was about politics instead of creative expression?
‘Well, we can change the lyrics and sing about fucking in a sauna.’ Kevin suggested, always having that sharp, direct comment ready to be heard when it was least expected.
‘Not a bad idea.’ Jakob contemplated with the engines of his mind already working to change the whole performance.
The three laughed hysterically at the comment, even playing with the lyrics to make it more profane than they originally intended. In the end, nothing was changed, not even the slightest word, and they still sung it, Kevin adding more emphasis in the “swearing” with his stern voice.
A once in a lifetime changing event turned out to be for them. KAJ wasn’t invisible by any means, otherwise they wouldn’t have been called to represent Sweden, although it would always not fail to be funny to say a Finnish group represented it.
Technicalities aside, they fucking succeeded and it really showed. From night to day, they were showered with gifts, gigs and tons of shows and exposition worldwide that made Mr. International happy!
He still hated stillness, hated being known by everyone, and now internationally! But Axel learnt to accept all of that.
With greatness comes a big sacrifice.
But he didn't mind it, because he enjoyed contradicting himself and he would always be. Without it, he firmly believes none of this would be real.
He would have a job, that's sure, but he wouldn't enjoy it the way he does. Sometimes, he entertained the idea of becoming a famous journalist, national or international he didn't care; but Axel didn't believe he would be this complete.
He would have still written books, but probably wouldn't be published; and if they did, they wouldn't become known the way they're now.
And mostly, he wouldn't probably love Jakob and Kevin the way he does. Probably would have met them, but not taken the time to know them nor spent his time doing it.
He might have loved them individually, but not at its fullest like he does now, twenty some years later.
‘Is that time of the year?’ A sleepy voice asked in the background, slowly but surely getting closer.
Axel didn't turn, didn’t need to, he knew by heart who it was.
‘I don't think so. Probably just a private session of “me time” with a mix of “what ifs”.’ Another one answered, closer, putting a hand on Axel's neck and squeezing tenderly while sitting next to him, kissing his cheek.
‘And you ruined it.’ Axel smiled and leaned on Kevin, sighing comfortably.
Jakob slowly sat on the other side, sneaking his arms through Axel's waist, placing a kiss on his shoulder while resting his head there — sending hot breaths to Axel's neck, feeling the shivers of his skin.
The three stayed there, observing at the sky as if nothing else existed, just this intimacy hidden in the darkness with the stars as their only witnesses.
Axel grabbed the hands of Jakob and Kevin, intertwined their fingers, and placed a kiss at the back of them, gently stroking their knuckles like they were the most fragile things he ever touched in life.
It was normal for them to share such intimate times in silence, being engulfed by every ounce of affection they felt. In cheap hotel rooms, behind the most dirty backstages from their earlier stages, before the big concert in front of so many people that it made Axel dizzy, Kevin jitter in such weird anxiety and Jakob almost puked from stress.
Normalcy with them was, in other words, far from the normal than the world is used to. And they're good with it, because it's what best represents them, what implies having spent almost all your life next to people who understand you, who can give exactly what you needed for so long.
KAJ was what Axel yearned for. A family, friends, confidants, people who are there whenever he needs to retract himself from the world.
‘That Suzuki was shit.’ It’s Kevin who first talked, head resting on top of Axel, words so soft it almost went unheard.
And the three laughed at the unwarranted comment, filling their chest with warm, unstoppable laughs. Twenty years of jokes and laughs, of love and appreciation, of loyalty for who they are and what they do. Twenty years of them being together.
‘Yeah, I didn't have enough money.’ Axel answered.
‘You never had.’ Jakob said, smiling at the receiving kiss on his forehead.
‘Shut up.’
The three fell silent again, contemplating the far sounds of what they assumed were cars or bugs, they didn't care.
‘The Tokyo trip.’ Axel revealed, his cheeks warm by the memory.
The lingering question was answered, Axel thought, given how the other two hummed at the words, as if some sort of ancient problem was finally settled.
‘Let's go to sleep.’ Jakob declared, ‘I'm freezing.’, taking the other two by hand and taking them inside without leaving space to question.
It's been too long since they made a sleepover, a distant memory from cheap hotel rooms where sleeping together was the common denominator for cold nights and bad heaters.
Tonight it's different.
Axel never felt cold when sleeping, always having extra clothes as their mothers always advised — “better extra layers than nothing to pass the night” — a thoughtful reminder of three mothers worried their sons were spending time on their own, alone in cities who barely knew them. Also, he never felt alone, never once in his life.
Tonight, when Axel finally goes to sleep, deep inside him, he is grateful that he has Kevin and Jakob at each side of him, sleeping with him, always with him, making him company as they always did.
To this day, he’s grateful for having a quiet night, reviving an old routine from ancient days. Tonight, he doesn’t contradict himself, but accepts what’s given to him with satisfaction that fills him with bliss.