Chapter Text
There he was. Standing at the other end of the aisle to him, staring back at him like he had all those years ago. Only this time, they weren’t marrying each other. He was crashing it.
Robert had changed. He had imagined seeing him again so many times, dreamt about it constantly, but seeing that he had aged between those years was something Aaron wasn’t prepared for. He had a beard. It suited him.
He didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t want to think about Robert and he didn’t want Robert to be staring at him. Yet he stood staring back at him, convincing himself it wasn’t happening. He presumed everyone had been staring at him and Robert, especially John, but he couldn’t see them. They were all a sea of blurs whilst Robert stayed clear as day, the sunlight of the hot day illuminating him from his back. He didn’t look real but at the same time, he looked like the realest thing to ever exist in the world. His hair was different to the last time he saw him, it was standing up like it used to, he had missed that. He didn’t want to admit it, he tried his best to ignore the thought, but he had missed Robert.
He couldn’t think like that. It was his wedding day. He was marrying John and they were going to have a romantic honeymoon and despite everything else that has happened, they are going to grow old together. If only that image of the future was as real as Robert’s eyes.
“Hello Aaron.”
A distant memory called to him, begging him to remember their last conversation.
Goodbye, Aaron.
He couldn’t cope. Robert was real, he was free, he wasn’t just an idea of a person, he wasn’t just a memory of a past life, he was a man. A man who had stopped his wedding, who was still staring at him with those determined eyes. It was burning him.
Robert was talking, making a quip, as usual, but Aaron couldn’t find it in himself to fully listen. All he could do was take in the tone of his voice. The deep, familiar sound that he had wedded himself to a long time ago. Robert had said some awful things to him in the past. He had made him hurt in ways he didn’t know possible, ways that made him physically sick, but he had also used that voice to speak his vows. He had used that voice countless times to tell Aaron how much he loved him. That voice had broken and repaired him so much that Robert’s name was always on him, his signature clear.
Aaron needed to respond. He had to. Everyone was looking at him, John was looking at him, Robert was looking at him. They were all waiting for him to do something, anything, but he had no idea. Before he knew it, his body had made the decision itself and he started walking towards him.
Being closer to him made him see the new wrinkles on Robert’s face. Time had claimed him just as it had Aaron, and still Robert wore that same smile. He was standing in Aaron’s own wedding, having just rattled his entire world, and he was smiling that smile he always had.
So he punched him. It was satisfying, to say the least. The feeling of Robert’s face crashing in on itself because of his knuckles was magnificent. He had affected him, he had knocked him down and he had hurt him. Robert was still a man. He didn’t know if he liked the idea that he could touch him again, it was consuming.
Everyone around him backed him up, urging Robert to leave. It was relieving to have them kick the man out instead of doing it himself because he wasn’t sure he could’ve brought himself to do it. And suddenly, the service was resumed, as if he had dreamt the whole thing. The registrar was getting him to repeat the vows he had been waiting months to repeat. The vows he was so sure he had wanted to say. But Robert was no dream. The dull ache in his knuckles proved that.
He couldn’t do it. Just like before, his body carried him away. He couldn’t breathe, he could barely see, but he knew where he was going. Where he had always been going. There he was, standing at the bridge he would always stand at, the bottle of champagne still in his hands. He hadn’t seen him yet, so Aaron took the time to see Robert completely, no prying eyes to see his face give anything away.
He was beautiful. He always had been, he had always known this, even when he hated him more than anything. The thing about Robert was that Aaron couldn’t feel anything but extreme about him. There was no ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ when it came to them, it was love or hate. It was fury or longing. When someone is so ingrained into your soul, there are no such things as normal emotions. That was why Aaron couldn’t cope. He didn’t know what he was feeling, all he knew was that it was a lot.
He had to deal with him. He revealed himself, and Robert turned his head and finally, they were alone. After six long years, it was just them. He wasn’t sure how he felt, what he wanted to say, so he stuck to what he knew. His anger.
“What the hell do you think you’re playing at? Why would you do this to me, on my wedding day?”
Robert smiled. Of course he did. Aaron being angry, Robert smiling back, it was like the old days.
“Nice to see you too.” Robert quipped, then slightly lowered his smile. “You know why I came. I told you,” and Aaron couldn’t believe the nerve on him.
“Because I’m, what, making a mistake? The mistake of being happy?”
“He won’t make you happy and we both know that.”
Aaron couldn’t fight back. He wanted to, he really did, but the audacity of the man was astounding him. He hoped that was the only reason he couldn’t respond.
“Yeah. You see, you know it and there’s no point in denying it.”
Robert was walking up to him slowly, like someone trying not to scare a wild animal. It vaguely reminded Aaron of their first…
“You don’t know anything. How are you even here? How did you get out?”
“You remember, right? Lee had a hit on his head, and yeah I said I didn’t want to appeal my case, but I changed my mind.” Robert took another step. “It’s okay to change your mind.”
Aaron forced himself to breathe again, “Yeah, it is. That’s why you can’t be here. I changed my mind and I am going to be happy with John and if you ruin that for me, then you don’t want my happiness.”
“Like hell that’s true!” Robert’s eyebrows were raised into his hair, it was a funny look on him. Aaron might have laughed if this was 6 years ago. “I know you don’t love John. You could have picked anyone to move on with and, what, you chose my half-brother? A little on the nose, don’t you think?”
“God, I didn’t even know he was your brother before we- bloody hell Robert, you told me to move on and I did! You forced me away from you and I’ve finally found someone who makes me happy and you’re upset?”
“Of course I’m upset, Aaron.” Robert dropped the face, dropped everything, and simply looked back at Aaron. “You’re the love of my life. Of course I’m upset that you’re with someone else who I’m sure will not make you happy.”
“And how do you know that?”
“Because you’re here with me, instead of him!”
The river seemed a lot louder than before. Their voices still echoed in Aaron’s head, surrounding his every thought, plaguing him. Why was he here? Why couldn’t he finish those vows? Why was he on this bridge, facing the man he had imagined growing old with since before he knew what love was?
In the back of his mind, in the vault he had sealed up long ago, out of self-preservation, he knew. He knew why the sight of Robert was crumbling the life around him. He knew how empty his life had been without the man, how deep the pit had been and how he had tried to fill it by any means possible. And now Robert was standing there, giving Aaron a piece of himself back that he thought he’d never see again. The piece of him that knew how to be alive.
He didn’t choose to, he didn’t even think about it, but when his lips collided with Robert’s, he finally felt complete. Arms held him as he held Robert’s own body, the feeling of his jacket on his fingertips proving that he was still awake. The air was still, his feet not secure in the ground with only Robert to hold him in place and prevent him from floating above the earth. It was everything. Every kiss they had ever shared, from angry to confused to passion-filled to loving, they flashed in Aaron’s mind. They filled his body and rushed life throughout him and finally, he was free. He had never felt so alive and so happy. He had forgotten what it was like to be this happy.
The kiss ended naturally, both their lips parting for air and their foreheads resting against each other. Like puzzle pieces finally reunited. They were both sweating but Aaron didn’t care, he didn’t care about anything anymore. He couldn’t stop his eyes from opening to see the other pair of eyes staring back at him, a smile evident in them. It was infectious, he couldn’t help it. He knew it was wrong, he knew he had his whole life to get back to. He had spent so long rebuilding everything and now that his old life was back, everything else seemed fake. Like plastic.
“I love you, Aaron. I always will.”
He could feel the vibration of his words through their touching foreheads. The feeling was pleasant, it was home. He knew Robert loved him, he knew all too well. Aaron was so scared, more scared than he had been in years in his new life, but he finally knew what he felt.
“I love you too.”
The words sat heavy in the air, it was weighing them both down into each other. The confession felt both hefty and freeing, the contrasting thoughts in his head were battling and he didn’t know what would win. His logic versus his love. His past had proved which one won, every single time. It wasn’t about to start losing now. He didn’t know how to do it, he had no idea where to start, but he knew what he wanted, what he had always wanted. It was going to be hard, it was going to hurt a lot of people, especially John, but he had to do it. If he went through with that wedding, he would be denying himself his one true happiness. He had spent so long thinking that he’d never get it back again, he wasn’t going to waste time denying himself it again.
Forcing his body to separate from Robert’s he took a deep breath. “I have to call it off.”
Robert’s smile was gorgeous. He was like a shark, his smile would be terrifying if he didn’t love it.
Without saying a word, Aaron started walking back to the wedding. His skin felt tight, he was about to break John’s heart. His whole life would fall apart, it didn’t feel fair. He had been so angry with him for possibly still loving Aidan, but marrying him would hurt him more, he knew that for definite. His mum would shout at him. She’d scream and argue with him, telling him what a mistake he’s making, but he didn’t care. He knew she would be wrong. Victoria might hate him, he couldn’t be sure. Paddy would stick by him, but he still hated Robert. Everyone hated Robert. Everyone would either hate him too or beg him to stay with John, saying Robert is controlling him. But like before, he didn’t care. He couldn’t marry John because of social pressure, he was finally going to get what he wanted. He wouldn’t let anyone stop him.
He was about to be happy.