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Eddie manages. It had been years since his last panic attack, and nothing had properly scared him since. After all, Eddie was a force to be reckoned with. Hell, he was a war veteran! He'd rang up so many traumas that it took two hands to count, and yet, he managed. Sure, the sniper added a bit of an edge. He was wary walking around completely exposed on calls- especially with high buildings present, which there almost always was in L.A- and would find himself flinching at noises resembling gunshots for the first few months afterwards. Buck and him had gotten together not long after the shooting, which made it a lot easier to work through his panic. So, he managed just fine.
But nothing had quite prepared him for the lightning strike.
Most the time, the calls that are truly crazy are the ones where you least expect it. Sure, everyone was cautious of the weird weather, but nobody anticipated what would come of it. On a call with a gunman, you expect crazy, and so you prepare for it. But, Eddie hadn't suspected anything out of the ordinary as he watched Buck ascend the ladder. No signs foreshadowed the drastic change from banter between Buck and Chim to a blinding light sending Eddie flying from the engine. And nothing, truly nothing from his years in both the army and as a firefighter, would have helped him get ready to watch Buck's body, Buck's dead body, just...hang there, unmoving. Devoid of all the life Eddie knew his boyfriend to be full of.
Even once Buck was announced 'medically ok', it was never truly ok. For either of them. Buck would wake up some days terrified that he could still be in the coma dream, and nearly never climbed the ladder during certain weather conditions. Meanwhile, those three minutes and seventeen seconds haunted Eddie's every move. Each breath Buck took was a reminder of the ones that he didn't, when he slept beside Eddie at night- lying still and peaceful- sometimes all he saw was a corpse. Every close-call on the job was reminder after reminder of how easily Buck could be taken from his world again. For longer than three minutes and seventeen seconds.
And yes, Eddie had counted. As soon as the realisation dawned on him, with each step he went up the ladder, with every unanswered scream of Buck's name, and as he hauled an unmoving from the rope, Eddie counted. Even as he sped and whizzed through traffic, desperate to get to the hospital, while he listened to Chim grow more and more helpless as they did CPR, he counted. Counted how long the world was without Buck. It was the worse three minutes and seventeen seconds of his life. Even with all this, Eddie finds ways of managing.
But thundering nights are tough. Even for him.
-
"Hey." Buck whispers from the doorway, still in his work clothes. Huh, Eddie had barely noticed the time. Was it really 4:00am already? Eddie straightens up from where he's slouched by the counter in the loft. "Oh, hey." He whispers back, even if nobody else is in the loft but them. "How was your shift?" Eddie asks. Buck wraps his arms around him from behind, resting his head atop of his own. A storm rages from outside the window. "It was..." he hesitates, sighing with exhaustion, "it was hard." he admits, as they both move to the sofa. (Buck bought the sofa about a month into them dating, and Eddie loves it.)
Lightning cackles from outside the window, and he can't help but notice the wince on both their faces. He doesn't ask why the shift was hard, because he knows damn well why. Six months since the strike and every thunder storm is just as hard as the first. They can literally walk through fire, speed into collapsing buildings, or scale sky scrapers, and yet one cackle from the clouds makes Eddie's blood turn to ice.
"Are you alright?" he checks instead, thumb running circles across Buck's hand. Eddie knows that the half-assed nod isn't how he really feels. "Come on, Buck." he urges, eyebrows raised expectantly. He knows it is hypocritical for him to want Buck to open up as opposed to bottling his emotions, but oh well. At least he is self aware. "I'm okay, really. Just...bad memories. Which, I get is wrong, because...I mean, I was dead, I don't know what it was actually like to be there. But just-" he sighs, giving Eddie a weak smile, "I was dead, and woke up in this awful world without you or Bobby or even Chris!"
"It isn't wrong Buck." He corrects, leaning closer to try reinforce his point. "You went through something life-changing, literally. You are allowed to feel that trauma, you should. And there is nothing wrong with that, okay?" Eddie assures him, pressing a kiss to his birthmark- a habit he's adapted over the course of their relationship- as thunder rumbles. Buck smiles, this time more sincere, and squeezes his hand.
A few beats of silence pass.
"Do you ever think about it?" he asks, voice impossibly small. "That night. The lightning." Buck clarifies, eyes boring into his own.
Eddie considers lying, thinks about telling Buck that it only comes to mind on nights like this. But, the best way to help Buck would be the truth. He knows that.
"All the time." he answers, voice barely audible. Buck's brows furrow, slightly nodding. Eddie continues, "Every. Single. Night. I-" he takes a shuddery breath, "I still have nightmares about it." Eddie admits quietly, avoiding eye contact. He should really be better at expressing emotions now, but he still struggles to tune out his father's voice going, 'real men do not show emotion', and all that masculinity bullshit.
"I mean...one minute we were joking around, and you were climbing the ladder. Then there was that flash of light and all a sudden..." he tries to read Buck's face, trying to see if he should stop, but he just watches Eddie meaningfully. "I looked up and you were-" his voice cracks, "you were just hanging there...dead." The word burns his tongue, the idea alone making him sick to his stomach. "And I thought- I thought that you were gone. For good." He's fairly certain that tears are springing at his eyes the same way they are Buck's, but he just blinks harshly.
"I lost you, Buck. And, I know there have been close calls before- way too many close calls- but this time, you were actually dead. I..." yep, now he is certain there are tears streaking down his face, "I felt your body, Buck, you had no pulse." Eddie has never really spoken about his personal experience with the lightning strike and, now that he is, it is all tumbling out in one uncontrollable snowball that won't stop. "Three minutes and seventeen seconds, Buck. For over three minutes, I thought my life was over. Even when we got your heart pumping again," now Buck has tears too, "that coma was rough. Awful. We didn't know if you would wake, if you would have brain damage, we didn't even know if you would remember me. Remember Chris."
He takes in a few deep breaths, the two of them sitting in silence.
"So, uh, yeah." He wipes his eyes, holding Buck's hand tighter, "I think about it."
"I do too." Mumbles Buck, as Eddie dips his head in his hands. "I know this job means that, at any point, I could lose my life. But...I was just climbing the ladder, you know? And- the fact that it would have been Chim if I hadn't stepped in- I was so scared. That world, the one without you, or Chris, or Bobby...it terrified me, Eds. And, I'm sorry- I am so sorry that I put you through that." he sighs.
"Do not say sorry for something that is not your fault, Buck, there was no way of knowing what was going to happen. Lets face it, even if you did know, you would still put yourself up instead of Chimney, and you would still fight your way back to me, Chris, and the 118. I know that. Okay?" Eddie says pointedly, sitting up. Buck watches him for a few seconds, and for a moment Eddie fears that he has made a mistake, before pulling him into a tight hug. He melts into his hold, sinking into the hug. Buck buries his head on Eddie's shoulders as they wrap their arms around one another.
"I'm not going anywhere, Eds." Buck promises, "I love you so much, I'm not going to leave anytime soon."
Eddie nods, finally breaking the hug. "I know." he whispers, before the two of them ascend the steps up to Buck's bed.
For once, even as thunder growls and lightning strikes, Eddie survives a night without the terrors of a dead Buck on his mind.