Archive of Our Own

Or whatever the slang was, really. Humin heard that sentence a lot a few years back, when an A list Korean actress got engaged to one of the top Korean volleyball player — both are national treasures, he’d heard the ahjumma in his favorite tteokbokki place say while watching the couple on the small tv screen, Korean people’s pride and joy!

Humin didn’t really care, nor did he want to understand what match made in heaven means. It’s not like he’d be invited to the couple’s wedding anyway, why would he care? All he wanted was two portions of tteokbokki to bring to Hyuntak’s house to enjoy while lazying around in the living room. If there’s one thing that Humin cares about, it’s spending time with Hyuntak while eating their favorite tteokbokki together.

But he heard it again — the match-made-in-heaven talk coming out from Hyuntak’s mom’s lips as they watched the evening news on one of Humin’s sleeping over days. She was swooning over the couple, her eyes sparkled with joy seeing the two being sweet to each other while having people interviewing them about things Humin couldn’t really understand.

“They’re so perfect together, the woman is sweet and the man is gentle. What a match made in heaven they are, they really deserve each other!” 

Humin remembered swallowing all the food on his mouth for he couldn’t stop the question that’s about to escape from his lips. “If they deserve each other because they are both perfect, what about the others — the imperfect ones?” 

Innocent, totally a 7 year-old boy question to ask.

Beside him, Hyuntak also turned his head to look at his mother. His eyes had shone with childish curiosity, “that’s a question I want to ask too. If I grew up becoming an ordinary person, would that mean I’d be marrying someone just as ordinary?”

Hyuntak’s mother smiled, a kind one, the kind when she’s about to tell Humin and Hyuntak some life lesson the two boys would need in the future. She patted Hyuntak’s head gently, “no one in this world is truly perfect on their own. Everybody has their own flaw to bear.” She glanced at Humin as she continued. “But it doesn’t matter how many flaws we carry, the ones who love us would accept our imperfections and still treat us like we’re the most perfect person in the whole universe. They wouldn’t just love us in our best days, they’d also love us even in our worst.” Humin and Hyuntak listened to Hyuntak’s mother intently. “You’d find imperfections in everyone, including yourself. Your job is to find the one that would complete your imperfect part, the same way you’d complete theirs.”

Humin had never been the brightest boy, not even that day because he didn’t understand what Hyuntak’s mother was saying. It was too much, too many long sentences Humin couldn’t catch but what he knew for sure was he still didn’t know whether people like him would ever fit the match-made-in-heaven criteria. The concept was too complicated for Humin to grasp.

“But does that mean everybody could be a match-made-in-heaven couple, then? Or was the saying could only be used for the perfect ones?” Hyuntak’s mother hadn’t got a chance to answer when Hyuntak asked another question, “what if the match-made-in-heaven couple breaks up?”

The phone rang right after Hyuntak finished his question — in which it was also the end of their match-made-in-heaven talk because the next thing they knew, Hyuntak’s mom had just lost a person who loved her imperfections.

Hyuntak too, had just lost a father.

It was a few years later when Humin heard that sentence again. 

Match made in heaven — 

Surprisingly enough, it came from the talk about the same couple as the first time he heard it from, at the same place he’d heard it the first time too on top of that. Except this time the ahjumma in his favorite tteokbokki place wasn’t as excited as she had been the first time. If anything, she looked kind of upset and too sad for a relationship she wasn’t even part of. 

“They were such a match made in heaven, it’s a shame they had to get a divorce like this.”

Were, Humin noticed as he looked up and see the news that the couple are getting a divorce because the man was caught cheating on his wife for over five year. 

What an asshole, Humin thought. His mother had been a cheater too, she’d left his dad and Humin back in first grade because she’d chose to ran away with the man she’s been having an affair with — Humin didn’t even get the chance to bid his farewell because his mom had already left for good when Humin got back from school. He’d never heard from her ever since. It used to hurt him a lot when he’s still younger but now he felt nothing, didn’t even wish to see her again even when he got hurt whenever his father got drunk and becoming a bad parent — he hadn’t been wishing for his mother anymore whenever that happened, thinking at least his father wouldn’t neglect him the same way his mother did. He’d learned to tolerate his father the same way his father had been tolerating him. 

“Kid, stop looking at the tv and get your tteokbokki already!”

Humin grinned as he took the bag from the lady’s hand, “ah, ahjumma, you’d get more wrinkles if you keep frowning. The ahjussi from the corner shop might stop coming here if he sees your frown.” 

He got himself a not-so-gentle slap on his arm for that. “That’s my husband, you brat! He’s seen my frown more than anybody else in the world, I’ll be fine.”

Humin giggled, “I’m just kidding, ahjumma. You’re still beautiful even with all those wrinkles!”

“Go away, Humin-ah. I wont give you a free portion of twigim for that compliment! I know I’m beautiful because my husband always reminds me about that.”

Humin laughed as he left the stall. He didn’t get the free twigim that day, but he knew he’ll get one the next time he visit the ahjumma. It’s always been like that ever since his mother brought him there when he’s only a 6 year-old boy. The only thing that changed now was the fact that Humin got two portion for himself and Hyuntak, sometimes for Hyuntak’s mother too if she’s at the house when Humin came.

“What took you so long, dumbass? Did you take a detour or something?” Humin almost tripped when he heard Hyuntak’s voice coming from his left. He didn’t know Hyuntak has arrived to the basketball court, it’s still early for their usual meet up time.

“You’re just too early!” Humin answered as he put the tteokbokki on the ground. Hyuntak took a seat beside him as he opened the first box, revealing their favorite food ever since they’re kids.

They ate in silence for the first couple of minutes. It’s always just the two of them in this court, a good place for Humin to practice because he can be loud and no one would say he’s being too loud – well, no one except Hyuntak, obviously. Sometimes Hyuntak would threaten him by saying he’d leave if Humin doesn’t shut up while playing but that’s just it, Hyuntak never really left him there to practice alone no matter how loud Humin gets. Probably because it works both ways since Humin too, never really leaves Hyuntak to practice his taekwondo alone – not even when Hyuntak is practicing with his coach and his friends – Humin would always be there, watching him from the bench in silence, or sometimes in not-so-silence too because Humin can’t be too quiet for a long time.

“I hope ahjumma would live a long, happy life so we’d get to eat this tteokbokki until we’re old.”

Beside him, Hyuntak choked on the food and Humin quickly grabbed the bottle of water and offered it to Hyuntak who gulped it down in a second. “For someone who always tells me to eat slowly you’re such a messy eater, Gotak-ah.”

Hyuntak put down the water bottle and shoved Humin’s arm. “I’m not a messy eater, I was just surprised at your random thoughts and choked myself.”

Humin rolled his eyes, “that’s the same thing!” Hyuntak opened his mouth to argue but Humin playfully pushed him as he stood up and yelled, “the loser had to pay for dinner tomorrow!” 

“You’re such a dickhead, Baku.” Hyuntak grunted as he stood up and followed Humin to the middle of the court. “You’re the only real basketball player between us two, of course you’re gonna win and I’d have to pay for dinner.”

“Are you afraid?” Humin asked with a frown. “Gogo, I didn’t raise you to be such a chicken!”

Hyuntak picked up the ball and threw it hard at Humin who caught it with a surprised giggle. “You never raised me, fucker. Considering how much of a kid you are, I’m the one who raised you.”

“You raised me wrong.”

“Fuck off.” 

And just like that, Humin’s basketball practice had just begun – always like that; it would always start with Humin saying something silly that’d get Hyuntak annoyed and would cause them to have some stupid banter while dribbling the ball and they’d just keep playing like that until one of them is tired enough to lie down on the ground, panting. Of course it’s always Hyuntak who passed out first, which would only make Humin spending the next ten more minutes or so mocking Hyuntak who’d still trying to catch his breath. Humin would only stop and take a seat beside Hyuntak when the latter’s breath doesn’t come out in a short pants anymore.

“Have you understood the match-made-in-heaven concept already, Gogo?” Humin didn’t know if Hyuntak would remember what they had talked about before they got the news about his father’s passing in a car crash. But what Humin knew for sure was Hyuntak doesn’t get emotional anymore when he remembered his father, so it’s a safe question to ask.

“No,” Hyuntak answered shortly as his hand moved to open the second box of tteokbokki Humin had brought. The food was cold already but it hardly even matter, it’s still Humin and Hyuntak’s favorite food nonetheless. “In fact I just heard that thing again after so many years. Where did you hear it? You are not the kind of person to remember that kind of thing, you don’t have the brain capacity to do that.”

Humin should’ve been offended. And he had been, in a way – not offended in an angry way and more like offended in a joking way because it’s Hyuntak, not some people who doesn’t even know him to say such things to him. Humin gave Hyuntak a light punch on his arm.

“That match made in heaven couple had went straight to hell today – “

“Whoa, Baku, you cant say that about someone else’s marriage!”

Humin bit back a smile when he realized Hyuntak knew exactly which couple he’s talking about, meaning he remembered their talk that night. “They don’t even have a marriage anymore, they got divorced today.”

“Oh, really?” Hyuntak said as he spooned a piece of tteokbokki. Humin hummed. “That’s a pity, they look good together.”

They had continued talking then, about everything and anything that came to mind. Humin would say silly things every five minutes only so he could see Hyuntak’s reaction because he loved Hyuntak’s frown and pout whenever Humin is being stupid. 

Their tteokbokki box had long been empty when they decided to go home that night. The wind blowing had been a bit colder on their way home but Hyuntak decided to walk very close to Humin, their hands brushing from time to time, sending some warmth to Humin’s whole body with every touch. He had liked the feeling, had wanted to feel more by taking Hyuntak’s hand with his own but that would be weird. Why would he want to hold Hyuntak’s hand?

Humin tried his best to distract himself from the way Hyuntak’s hand brushed his by talking more, listening more. They had been talking about Hyuntak’s upcoming tournament when Humin’s phone rang in his pocket, showing his father’s caller id. He had asked Humin to stop by the shop before going home, his father needed Humin to run some errands for him.

Hyuntak and Humin had then separated, with Hyuntak saying, “make sure you’re already in the gym tomorrow at eight Humin, or else the dinner would be on you!”

Humin gave Hyuntak two thumbs up, saying he’ll even sleep in the gym so he wouldn’t be late to accompany Hyuntak for his practice tomorrow if it means Hyuntak would still be the one paying for dinner. That had earned him a middle finger, but Humin only giggled as he took the left turn when Hyuntak continued walking straight to his home direction.

Ah, the match-made-in-heaven concept is still bugging me, Humin had thought as he walked alone, maybe I’d ask Hyuntak’s coach tomorrow during break.

But tomorrow never came, neither did Hyuntak’s taekwondo practice because Hyuntak had lost a fight to Na Baekjin that night – a losing moment that cost Hyuntak everything.

Humin met Hyuntak in the first grade. 

First day of school, first eye contact, first ‘my name is Go Hyuntak’ and Humin had found himself a best friend he’d clung to like a stubborn ivy to its host. He remembered having Hyuntak in his life more than he remembered having a mother — he has Hyuntak in his life longer than he had a mother, matter-of-factly. That’s how long they’ve been together.

Well, not together together but still — 

In second grade, just two months after his father’s passing, Hyuntak decided to join the taekwondo team in their school, saying he might become one of the national athlete if he starts early and work hard for it. Humin had been very supportive, always coming to Hyuntak’s practice like Hyuntak’s shadow; always watching him closely, but never too close to the point where the coach would send him out for being a nuisance. He’d cheer louder than necessary whenever Hyuntak won against another kid, and would also give Hyuntak his wide grin and two thumbs up whenever Hyuntak lost — for a moral support, he’d said.

In third grade, Humin didn’t get to see much of Hyuntak during his taekwondo activities because he got busier with practices and friendly competition between schools in the districts. Humin would have loved to follow Hyuntak everywhere but sometimes he’s just not allowed to; may it because the tournament took place in another school during school days, or because the coach wanted some privacy to discuss strategy with the team. 

Hyuntak had always looked at him apologetically whenever he told Humin he can’t come, but Humin would only grin and told him he’d wait so they can go home together. Humin then had gotten left alone with a lot of free time he didn’t know how to kill — he didn’t really have any other friend aside from Hyuntak, after all. Hyuntak has always been enough for him.

It was one of those days when Humin waited for Hyuntak to finish his practice so they could walk home together when he first talk to the boys in the basketball club. Humin grinned widely when one of the boys told him the basketball team in their school had a practice three times a week, in which two of it were scheduled the same time as Hyuntak’s taekwondo practice. Humin didn’t even think about it, he decided to join the club right that moment because that way he could be productive but also could still go home with Hyuntak after they finished their practices. That was enough for Humin at that time.

That only lasted for a year though, because in fourth grade there was a change in their practice schedule so none of it were scheduled at the same time. Humin had wanted to quit the club but Hyuntak told him he’s doing great in basketball and it’ll be a shame if he quit. So Humin proposed a deal: they should take turn accompanying each other practice at least once a week and Hyuntak had shook Humin’s hand in agreement. At the end Humin stayed in the club. It’s not everyday Hyuntak would generously tell him he’s good at something, after all.

Humin met Na Baekjin in fourth grade during one of his Hyuntak-less after school.

He was walking home alone after a basketball practice when he saw three kids from his school beating up a boy in the same uniform as theirs. Humin had always been bothered by any kind of bullying, so he did what he always did: he helped.

He’d always been good at defending himself, had learned how to fight from such a young age that when Hyuntak asked him to join taekwondo with him, Humin’s answer was “I enjoy fighting in a free style.” that had earned him one aggressive ear pinching from Hyuntak who was also nagging about how Humin would make people think he’s a troubled kid if he keeps fighting at school and not in an arena.

It’s not like I fight for fun, the eight year old Humin answered with a pout. I only fight to help people.

The first time he helped Baekjin, Humin threw some silly punches to scare off the bully — just enough to let them know Humin is capable of doing more.

The second time Humin met Baekjin, he’s already curling on the ground while some kids from other school are kicking him like he’s some stupid ball they’re playing with. Humin had been angrier that time, he threw stronger punches that made his knuckles hurt when he finished.

The third time he saw Baekjin getting bullied, Humin decided it’s enough — he promised to teach Baekjin how to fight. That’s how they became friends, a pretty close one at that, because Humin had spent a lot of his time with Baekjin when Hyuntak’s busy. 

It’s always just the two of them, though, just Baekjin and Humin because Baekjin had made Humin promise not to tell anyone about him getting bullied and Hyuntak told Humin he’s suspecting Baekjin feels uncomfortable when he is around. 

Maybe he wants to make one friend at a time, Hyuntak told Humin as they walk home after Humin introduced him to Baekjin. You can re-introduce us later when he is already comfortable enough.

Alas, that had never got to happen. 

“What do you mean you and Baekjin are not friends anymore?” Hyuntak asked with a frown when Humin told him he’s no longer friends with Baekjin three months into eight grade. “I thought we’d finally be a trio in high school.”

Humin shrugged, “Baekjin and I just don’t match, I guess.” Hyuntak opened his mouth to reply but Humin continued his talk. “And besides, why do you want to be a trio when you have me as your pair? I’m literally everybody’s dream best friend — everybody wants to be a duo with Baku!”

That had made Hyuntak annoyed enough to distract him from their initial conversation. Their talk about Baekjin didn’t go any further after that one time even if they see Baekjin at school — even when they heard people talking about Baekjin being a bully. It’s like they had a silent agreement to not give a shit about anything related to Baekjin anymore.

Humin liked to believe Hyuntak never asked again because he doesn’t want to know, not because he knew Humin doesn’t want to talk about it.

That had been the better option for Humin because how would he ever bring himself to tell Hyuntak he helped created a monster that would soon ruin Hyuntak’s dream of future?

“You are not being subtle at all.”

Humin blinked, turning his head towards the person sitting beside him on the bench. “What?” He asked, one brow raised. “Are you talking to me or is there some imaginary friend you have that I am not aware of and you’re talking to him?”

Sieun left out a soft huff, eyes not leaving the person playing basketball with Juntae and Hyuntak at the court. Humin wondered if Suho could see how intensely soft Sieun’s gaze to him is from this distance — or from up close, as a matter of fact. If his eyesight are good, he probably could.

“Hey Sieun, tell me. Suho isn’t nearsighted, is he?”

“What?”

Humin grinned, saying, “you look at him like he hung the sun in the sky or whatever those poetic people say. I’m just curious if he could see it from down there.”

Sieun visibly tensed, the tip of his ears reddened. “You’re ridiculous.” He said, trying to mask his embarrassment.

Humin giggled, finding the situation funny. It’s been over three months since Sieun and Suho officially got together but Sieun’s still a blushing mess whenever he’s being reminded of that. It’s hard to make Sieun lose his composure so Humin, Hyuntak and Juntae often use his relationship to tease him. Even Suho himself sometimes joined forces with the other to tease Sieun by shamelessly flirting with him — he’d earn himself a glare for that but Suho would laugh and Sieun would soften almost immediately at the sight. 

That’s the thing love does to a person, apparently.

“Dont worry, I wont tell Suho you’ve been staring.” Humin threw his arms around Sieun’s shoulder. His voice light, teasing — annoying. “You can trust me, Sieun-ah. I’m very reliable when it comes to secret.”

“You’re not very reliable with your own secret, though.”

Humin’s brows arched, he took a glance at Sieun who looked too serious for a person who just said nonsense — but then again, when did he ever not?

“I don’t have any secret.” Humin informed in all honesty. What secret is Sieun talking about? He’s pretty open about everything to his friends…except maybe a few things he’d buried at the back of his head. Still not wanting to share it with anyone to not make them worry. “Look, I know you are a genius but that doesn’t mean you’d know my secret that even I don’t know about, Sieun-chan.”

Sieun glanced at him and Humin would swear Sieun’s eyes weren’t that sharp when his gaze lingered on Suho just a second ago. Is this the act of favoritism people often talk about?

They held eye contact for three more seconds before Sieun rolled his eyes and turned to look at his Suho again. He sighed. “It shows in your eyes, you know.”

“What?” Humin asked. He was sure Sieun’s high by that point. “You mean the guilt? The same look we shared when Suho’s still sleeping?”

“Yes, and no.”

Humin groaned. Sieun is always so hard to talk to, not only because he talks very little but also because he often talks in riddles and Humin’s too dumb to analyze what he’s trying to say. “Can you please elaborate? You’re making me feel dumb.”

If it were Hyuntak, he’d heard a ‘You dont feel dumb, you are dumb’ or other offensive things as an answer but since it’s Sieun, Humin expected him to give a kinder, more useful answer. Sieun’s reliable like that, most of the times, anyway.

“He never blamed you for what happened.” 

“Huh?”

There was a pause. The silence stretched a bit too long between them with their friends laughter as a background noise. Sieun was giving Humin time to process what he’d just said, giving him time to actually listen to his words. And Humin might be dumb but he’s not dumb enough to not understand what kind of conversation they’re having.

Not when he and Hyuntak had been in numerous arguments because of this talk.

The only person who’s allowed to blame you for what happened is me, Hyuntak’s hands had been on Humin’s collar when he said that, he’d been upset. If I don’t blame you for what happened to me, who the fuck do you think you are to blame yourself, stupid?

“I know,” Humin said at last when Sieun didn’t seem to have anything more to add, probably had picked up the fact that Humin was not entirely confused at what he was saying. “Gotak had been telling me that.” but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it anyway.

How could he? How could he ever stop feeling guilty when he knew there’s a constant reminder of his failure making itself a home on Hyuntak’s knee? It doesn’t matter how much Hyuntak told him not to blame himself, it doesn’t matter how many times Hyuntak tried to convince him it was not his fault because it was his fault, there’s no changing in that. 

Hyuntak had never worn shorts around Humin anymore because he knew Humin’s sad gaze would often linger on the permanent mark on his knee. It might have faded but it’s still there, haunting Humin like nightmares from his childhood days when he’s still adjusting to not having a mother and only having a father with temper. Hyuntak had been the only escape Humin had back then, still is, but Humin cant escape this one because it came with Hyuntak himself.

Humin felt pathetic. Out of all failures he made in his life, failing Hyuntak and his mother had been the worst failure he could’ve possibly committed. Humin just couldn’t bring himself to not feeling guilty about it.

“You are longing for something you could actually have,” Sieun started again, softer this time. Comforting. “You know it’s the guilt that stops you from doing something about it.”

For the first time in his life Humin hoped he was more stupid than he is now because somehow, he understood what Sieun was saying despite the lack of context given. The only safe reaction he could give Sieun was to laugh — a loud one at that, so Sieun wouldn’t notice the way Humin tensed as chill started running down his spine when the realization hits. There’s no way Sieun knew.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, Sieun-ah.” It was only after he said that Humin realized there’s no way Sieun’s going to buy his lie, not when he said that so quietly when just two seconds ago he was laughing his ass off. Humin hissed when Sieun side eyed him, as if he could read Humin’s mind. “Fine, but please don’t look at me like that, man, that offend me! It’s just hard to not feeling guilty especially when I’m still sad over Baekjin’s death, okay? Not only I’m guilty for Gotak’s injury, now I’m also guilty for betraying him.” Humin paused, he didn’t realize he’d retreated his hand from around Sieun’s shoulder. “I should hate him for what he did to Gotak, for fucks sake. I feel like I — “

Humin stopped, he felt like exploding. He never talked about this with anyone because he’s ashamed of himself. He liked Hyuntak — he loves Hyuntak, but he can’t even bring himself to hate the person who had made Hyuntak suffer for so long.

He would’ve told Hyuntak about his feelings, would’ve confessed to him in the moment of weakness during his sleepover when the night has gotten quiet, Hyuntak’s hand only inch apart from his own, the air filled with warmth and a layer of unresolved tension only Humin could feel.

He would’ve told Hyuntak for the sake of telling him, wouldn’t really mattered if Hyuntak turned him down after. Their bond are hard to break, they wouldn’t easily fall apart because of some silly unrequited love Humin felt. Sure, Humin would be disappointed if Hyuntak turned him down but that’s for him to deal with, he’d find a way to fix himself. It’s a different story if Hyuntak’s the one getting disappointed, Humin was not sure if Hyuntak would want to forgive him if he failed him again. He’s terrified of that — scared shitless of the possibility Hyuntak wouldn’t want anything to do with him anymore. 

Humin couldn’t bring himself to confess because he still couldn’t bring himself to tell Hyuntak about the whole story of him and Baekjin from the beginning to its end. 

He felt like a coward, couldn’t stop feeling like he doesn’t deserve Hyuntak. Not as a friend, and especially not as a boyfriend. That’s his problem.

“You’re thinking too much, Humin-ah.” The endearment was not new, Sieun had been using endearment for their names every once a while but it would still make them stare in awe whenever he does. Humin’s not an exception, he stared. “You should let it go to be able to move.”

“Let what go?”

“The guilt.” The look on Sieun’s face hits Humin with the fact that Sieun had gone through the same thing. He’d passed the worst and now he’s able to move with Suho beside him, though both still refused to talk about the friend they had left behind. 

“I think…” Sieun started again but he paused. He’s not the one to hesitate about stuff he wants to say. He took a few ragged breath, eyes still trained at Suho as if Suho would suddenly vanished if he averted his eyes even for a second. Humin took that chance to glance at Hyuntak who was trying to take the ball from Suho’s hands. And as Humin sat there staring at those two, it finally dawned on him that what Hyuntak is to Humin, is what Suho is to Sieun. 

“You think what, Sieun-ah?”

“I think hatred just doesn’t stay long when you’ve shared some good memories with the person you think you hate.” Sieun turned over to look at Humin now, focused. Serious, like he wanted Humin to really think about what he’s about to say next. “And you can let go of something but still feeling sad about it, you know. Just because you and Baekjin separate ways in a bitter note doesn’t mean you’d lost your sympathy for him. He was once your friend after all.”

“That’s the longest sentence you spoke this week.”

Sieun didn’t even try to entertain his comment — not that he ever does, but still. He was on a roll and Humin was not sure if he can stand being nagged at by Sieun. Humin might start tearing up if Sieun doesn’t stop, he didn’t expect their conversation to escalate so quickly. Not in here, not now.

“I think Hyuntak would want you to tell him.”

“Tell me what, exactly?”

Humin stilled. He slowly turned around in horror when he realized Hyuntak was no longer at the court with Juntae and Suho who are still playing. He was right there, two stairs down from where Sieun and Humin are sitting. He didn’t know what expression he was wearing, but it must’ve been borderline ridiculous because Hyuntak snorted. 

“Was it that serious? You look like you just see a ghost!” Hyuntak humored, a chuckle escaped his lips and Humin felt his heart filled with warmth. Damn you, heart, it’s not the fucking time. “Were you two gossiping about me?”

Humin forced a loud laugh, “we were just talking about dinner, you narcissistic brat. Sieun asked me to tell you to pay.” Hyuntak frowned, totally not buying Humin’s lie but Humin didn’t give him a chance to pry more. “Yah Suho, Juntae. Stop playing already, we’re getting dinner! Gotak will be paying.”

Hyuntak smacked his head instantly, “I didn’t say I would, asshole.”

Humin pouted as he rubbed the part of his head Hyuntak had smacked. “You are so mean.”

“And you’re fucking annoying.”

Suho plopped himself next to Sieun as he downed a bottle of water Sieun gave him. Juntae stood beside Hyuntak, staring down at Humin with his big round eyes, looking apologetic.

“I can’t come. Mom wants me to go shopping with her.”

“Yah, didn’t you go shop with her last week?”

“It was last month.”

“Huh?”

“Sieun and I cant come as well.” Humin dramatically whipped his head towards Suho for that. “Promised grandma to bring Sieun for dinner. It’s been a while since he came.”

“Yah Ahn Suho,” Humin said, faking annoyance. “Stop stealing my friend like that.”

“He’s literally my boyfriend,” Suho retorted back with a frown. Sieun rolled his eyes at that but the tip of his ears reddened again. It was so obvious, even if Juntae takes off his glasses he’d still able to see it and mind you, he’s practically blind without those. 

Humin fought the urge to tease Sieun about it. Sieun might not as sarcastic as Suho and Hyuntak are, but his words could stab harder, deeper. And Humin didn’t want to risk Sieun spitting whatever stuff he hadn’t finished earlier in front of their friends. “Doesn’t change the fact he’s my friend, man.” Humin said as he stood up to wrap his arm around Hyuntak’s shoulder. “Fine, then, I get Gotak for myself tonight. Off you go, losers.”

He didn’t really mean the last sentence though, because they left the basketball court together and only separated at the school gate. Suho, Sieun and Juntae left together with Suho saying, ‘Come on, son, go home with your parents’ to Juntae who grinned wide at that, almost skipping his way for being too excited.

Humin left with Hyuntak, wanting to crash at the latter’s place because Hyuntak’s mother wouldn’t be home for the weekend — something about office outing. She’d told Humin to come and accompany Hyuntak while she’s away, I’m not a child, mom, Hyuntak had told his mother when he heard what she’d said to Humin. His mother smiled, I know, she’d said, but if you two want to be a child for the weekend, that’s okay too.

They were only two blocks away when Humin got a text from Sieun. 

High and Mighty Yeon Sieun
tell him

“Who’s that?”

“My wife,” Humin answered absentmindedly, wasn’t really keen to tell Hyuntak it was Sieun because he’d asked what text was it and Humin wouldn’t know what lie to tell him. He quickly slipped his phone back into his pocket.

“Since when Sieun is your wife?” Hyuntak laughed, he wrapped his hand around Humin’s wrist — the one circling around his shoulder, and he pulled it down a bit, almost making Humin stumble and their faces got way too close for what Humin would call safe. “What are you not telling me?” Hyuntak was not laughing anymore, not even a trace of smile. That was a question that demands an answer.

Humin gulped. He tried to free his hand from Hyuntak’s grip but the latter didn’t seem to want to let go, only letting Humin move away a little to create a safer gap that’d let him act more normally. Hyuntak’s hand still wrapped around Humin’s wrist loosely and Humin felt like he’s being caught, trapped.

“Yah, can’t I have a secret I only share with Sieun?”

Hyuntak snorted, he side eyed Humin who looked offended at the gesture. “Maybe if Sieun didn’t tell you to tell me, you could.” He pinched Humin’s wrist and Humin glared at him. “Come on, you promised not to keep secrets from me. The last time I let you being secretive you almost become a criminal. I don’t want to be friends with a criminal, Baku, I’d disown you.”

Humin clutched his shirt dramatically, letting his head fall on Hyuntak’s shoulder. “My mom had disown me, now you want to disown me too? You’re cruel.” His voice filled with faux sadness he liked to use.

Hyuntak rolled his eyes, having been used to this kind of jokes Humin liked to throw for little giggles. He did it a lot, and sometimes Hyuntak would stare at him with concern evident in his eyes, worried Humin might use that kind of thing to cope with pain. But Humin was not hurt, he’d long forgotten what it feels like to be sad thinking about his mother. There’s no place for her in Humin’s life anymore, she’s just a part of his past that he had let go.

You should let it go to be able to move…

Humin stopped abruptly, making Hyuntak stopped in his track too because he’s still holding Humin’s wrist. He turned around to face Humin who was already looking at him wide eyed.

Hyuntak frowned, “what now, Baku?”

“I have something to tell you.”

Hyuntak opened his mouth only to close it again. He finally let go of Humin’s arm that was still circling around his shoulder so he could turn around and face Humin better. 

Hyuntak looked good in his blue hoodie, which was weird because Humin had never liked blue especially that shade because it was the same color as what his mother worn the last time he saw her. He had wanted to tell Hyuntak about it the first time he bragged about his first blue hoodie to Humin, but he bit back his tongue because Hyuntak had looked so happy. 

Now Humin couldn’t see that shade of blue without smiling fondly because it reminds him of Hyuntak instead of a bitter memory of his mother.

“Are you just gonna stand there staring at me until we both passed out from the cold?” Hyuntak questioned with a low chuckle. “Spill it already, Baku, you look constipated.”

It was Humin’s turn to open his mouth only to close it again, suddenly reluctant with the way Hyuntak reacted. He didn’t even look like he was taking the secret seriously. Was Humin really going to confess to Hyuntak tonight?

He took a step forward to grab Hyuntak’s hand, willing him to walk again. “Let’s talk inside, it’s a national-level secret, Gotak-ah. I don’t want it to be heard by wrong people.”

He heard Hyuntak’s scoff, “you’re so stupid.” He said, but didn’t say anything about Humin’s hand on his wrist as they continued their short walk and only stopped when they reached Hyuntak’s front door.

Humin let go of Hyuntak’s hand, the contact left a familiar burning sensation on his skin. He never knew what personal space was, always so clingy and touchy to everybody but when it comes to Hyuntak, Humin just couldn’t stop himself from reaching out — from wanting to feel the younger’s bare skin against his. He had it so bad that sometimes he had to physically stop himself from trying to touch Hyuntak, especially when the latter’s smiling until his eyes turned crescents. Humin wanted to cradle Hyuntak’s face and to softly pinch his cheeks whenever that happened, which to say happens a lot but Humin had never let himself go that far for fear he’d crossed the line.

Humin definitely deserved an award for having such a strong self-restrain while dealing with his big, fat crush on his best friend.

“Are you fucking blushing?”

That comment took Humin back from his trance. He didn’t realize they’re already in Hyuntak’s room. He blinked.

“What? Why would I blush?” Humin chuckled awkwardly as he strode around and dropped himself to the chair at the corner. He did feel warm on his cheeks though. “I’m just hot.”

“Sure, you are.”

Humin expected that to be a sarcasm, but he didn’t detect any bite to it. “What?”

“One more what coming out from that lips of yours and you’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight.” Hyuntak threatened as he browsed through his wardrobe to take some clothes out. He threw a white t-shirt and a short to Humin who caught it with ease. “Go take a shower then if you’re so hot like what you said. I’ll order dinner, I don’t think there’s any food left in the fridge.”

Humin nodded and do exactly as what he was told. Thirty minutes later, he found Hyuntak already sitting on the couch, some sorts of take out food spread out on the small table in front of him. 

“Are we not eating at the dining table?”

Hyuntak shook his head, “I want to eat while watching the news.”

Humin snorted as he took the seat next to Hyuntak. The younger scent was sweeter than usual, probably because he had to use his mother’s soap and shampoo while Humin used his. Humin had to stop himself from sniffing, wanting to absorb his scents. “You don’t watch news.” He said instead, trying to distract himself from the fact that Hyuntak smelled so good it made him want to close the gap between them altogether.

“And you don’t take shower for thirty minutes straight, asshole.” Hyuntak retorted back, side eyeing Humin. “Don’t tell me you do something inappropriate in my bathroom because I might strangle you on the floor.”

Humin faked a gasp, trying to make it look like Hyuntak had just caught him red handed, when in fact he took so long in the bathroom because he spent almost twenty minutes thinking about how he’d tell Hyuntak about everything. Hyuntak let out a gruntled noise as he raised up both his arms towards Humin’s neck and Humin laughed as he took them with his own. “I was joking! Do you really think I’d finish off in only thirty minutes? You think so low of my stamina, Gogo-yah, I’m hurt.”

Hyuntak rolled his eyes but there was a grin threatening to escape from his lips as he pulled his hands away from Baku’s grasp. “You are gross, Baku.” He said without any real heat to it, making Humin pout. “Don’t use that pout on me, you know that wont work as effective as Suho’s pout on Sieun. Now eat up, you rascal.”

And eat up they did. But unlike what he’d said, Hyuntak didn’t even watch the news because he was busy munching his food as well as he was busy telling Humin to eat slower, which caused them to eat while having silly bicker. It was a miracle neither of them choke on the food.

They finished the food in no time, and Humin, as a big eater that he is, asked for a dessert. Something sweet — so sweet that it’d give him instant sugar rush if possible, it might help his nerves system to relax and make it easier to talk to Hyuntak. Sure he could’ve chosen to get tipsy, might be even more effective but he wanted to confess his feelings to Hyuntak while he’s as sober as possible so he’d still have a clear head regardless the result.

“There’s some ice cream in the freezer,” Hyuntak informed him as they both cleaned up the table. 

It’s familiar, a safe territory — a routine they’d done too many times but Humin still couldn’t get enough of it. 

When the remaining trash got cleared out of the table and got replaced with a tube of chocolate ice cream, Hyuntak picked up the remote control to mute the television. It was showing a scene from a drama they had watched. Again, familiar. Hyuntak muting the television was not something new, he does it whenever he wants to focus on the talking part. He preferred that than turning off the television altogether because when things got too serious for him, he could ease his mind a bit by watching the scene showed on the screen.

Weird. But cute weird. For Humin, at least. He’s probably the only person who knew this about Hyuntak aside from his mother.

“Wow this ice cream is nice,” Humin commented when he stuffed a spoonful ice cream into his mouth. He’s stalling. He’s nervous. Now that Hyuntak already put the television on mute, Humin knew the latter knew they’re going to have a serious conversation instead of just some chit-chat to kill time. “Where did you buy it?”

Hyuntak sighed, “cut your crap, Humin. Just say what you wanna say.” He leaned back to put his head on top of the backrest and pulled both his legs up onto the couch to sit cross legged. He looked comfortable like that. “I have given you enough time to be nervous about it.”

Humin scoffed, “I didn’t say I was nervous, prick.” But even as Humin said that, he was chewing the spoon nervously. It made Hyuntak let out a humorless chuckle. His eyes fixed on the ceiling.

“Are you planning to go far for college?”

Humin blinked. “What?”

“That’s it, you’re sleeping on the floor.”

“No! Wait,” Humin straightened himself on the couch, his spoon pointed accusingly to Hyuntak who looked at him with a slight frown on his face. “What on earth makes you think that? We promised to go to the same college, you punk!”

Hyuntak shrugged, but Humin didn’t miss the relieved breath he let out before answering. “You only talked to Sieun about it,” he murmured and took the spoon out of Humin’s hold to scoop the ice cream for himself. Humin’s brain had the audacity to short circuited because of the gesture — oh, we’re indirectly kissing! it had said, as if Humin and Hyuntak didn’t do that every day. “Can you blame me for thinking it was about college? That’s the only thing you could possibly talk to Sieun about…you know, like ask for his opinion since he’s the only one who knows what to do about his future.”

I know what I want to do with my future too, Humin thought, I want you in it. But instead of saying that, he said, “for someone who never forget to remind me how dumb of a person I am, you’re pretty dumb yourself, Gogo-chan.”

“Shut up.” Hyuntak snapped, but he was laughing. There was a stain of chocolate ice cream on his lower lips and Humin wanted to have a taste so bad he started stretching right there on the couch like a fool. If Hyuntak detected any weird Humin behavior in that, he didn’t mention it. “So what was it about then, if it’s not about college? Is it…about Baekjin?”

Well, that hits the right spot.

Humin couldn’t have been more obvious than he was because he stilled in a weird position with his hands still stretched out, mouth ajar as if he was grasping for air. “Y-yeah…”

That only made Hyuntak stare at him with one brow raised. He had a frown on his face, but he took a spoonful ice cream and offered it to Humin who automatically opened his mouth to welcome it. His body really has zero resistance towards food. “What about him?”

The question came out easily, not even accusing, neither it was from curiosity. It was almost as if Hyuntak knew it cant be anything bad now that Baekjin’s dead.

“I have a confession to make,” Humin didn’t even let himself hesitate. He would be stuttering like an idiot if he did. He wanted to get it over with, now. “It’s a bad one, I don’t think you’d like it.”

The spoon stopped midway towards Hyuntak’s mouth. He turned his head to have a better look at Humin who’s already sitting cross legged on the couch, body fully facing Hyuntak, visibly tensed. “Is it worse than my confession when I accidentally ripped your Slam Dunk manga?”

“Hang on a second,” Humin said, his hand in the air and a frown on his face. “You never confessed that.”

“Huh? Really?”

Humin stared at Hyuntak in disbelief. That happened two years ago and Hyuntak had convinced Humin the manga got ripped because Humin was turning and tossing in his sleep that he accidentally damaged it. “Yah, Go Hyuntak, you told me it was my fault!”

“Sorry then, might’ve made the confession in my head and forgot to let it out for real.” He didn’t even look like he was sorry, there was a thin smirk on his lips. “So? Would I react worse than how you would’ve reacted if I confessed that to you two years ago?”

For a moment, Humin forgot about his own confession. He blinked owlishly at Hyuntak who was staring at him with brows raised, waiting for an answer. “Probably worse.”

Hyuntak reacted exactly the way Humin thought he’d react for that kind of answer. He shifted his position, turned around until they’re truly facing one another. Humin felt the soft material of Hyuntak’s sweatpants against his bare skin when their knees brushed slightly. “Oh Park stupid Humin, you are a dead meat.”

Humin grimaced. He wanted to back out but Hyuntak would squeeze the truth out of him anyway now that he’s already halfway through it. It really was now or never sort of a situation. Humin shouldn’t have let Sieun’s words got into his head. He’s way to cowardice to face Hyuntak like this.

“Spit it out, Baku.”

“I’m sorry.” Humin looked down to the small gap between their knees. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Hyuntak because he might start crying even before he could finish his confession. The guilt was eating him alive and he couldn’t keep doing it to himself. “I’m sorry, Gogo.”

“What are you saying sorry for, idiot?” There was a hint of annoyance in that question, Humin had heard it way too often than necessary throughout their lives to mistook it for something else. “I’m not gonna sit here playing guessing game with you, Humin. If you are going to have pauses in your silly confession, I’m kicking you out.”

Humin knew he was serious, and Humin’s heart sank into the pit of his stomach because of it. He hadn’t even started the real confession and Hyuntak’s patient is starting to run thin. Humin braced himself to look up and held gaze with Hyuntak who was looking slightly annoyed but not angry enough to actually kick Humin right there on the couch. Humin was sure of that.

“I’m just…sorry for everything.” He said, the weight of guilt felt heavy on his shoulders. He was not relieved, he’s just feeling guiltier now. “None of this would have happened if I — ”

Hyuntak scoffed, “is this you doing self-blaming again, Baku? Aren’t you fucking tired? We have fought over this matter way too often than necessary, asshole. How many more times should I tell you to stop blaming yourself for fuck’s sake, you and your bullshit.”

“Hyuntak-ah…”

“Dont fucking Hyuntak-ah me, Baku. Try blaming yourself in front of me once again and I’m seriously gonna roundhouse kick you. I swear to God. I may not an athlete anymore but I’m still more than just capable of kicking you senseless.”

Humin ran his hands on his face, “I know that.” He muttered under his breath. He could feel himself started shaking slightly, why he had to be such a cry baby? “It’s just…I-I was the one who taught Baekjin how to fight, okay? That’s my confession. I helped him to become the person he was, Gotak-ah. And you really expect me to not feel guilty about it?” He chuckled humorlessly. Now that he’s already spilling shit, he was not so sure if he could hold back. Hyuntak deserved to know the truth. “I could have knocked some sense into his head when he first got out of control. But I left him instead, giving up so fucking easily on trying to help. I was too ashamed to admit I had contribution in the whole thing, now look where it had led us. Baekjin six feet under…and you — “

Humin’s breath hitched when Hyuntak grabbed his collar, hard. It made him flinched on his seat, his hands resting awkwardly atop his thighs. This is it, he thought, Gotak is going to punch me and I’ll take it all because I deserve it. Hyuntak would not want anything to do with Humin anymore, they’re going to fall apart. There will no longer Humin and Hyuntak the inseparable duo, they are over.

“You fucking stupid 99 IQ monkey,” Hyuntak almost growled, and Humin felt like he deserved that one. Hyuntak’s eyes filled with so much anger, Humin couldn’t really remember when was the last time he saw it directed at him. Probably that time when he tried to distance himself from Hyuntak after his injury, for fear the latter would get hurt again because of him. That was also the first time Hyuntak’s knuckles met his cheeks in form of a hard, real punch. “Do you really think I don’t know that? That you fucking hangout with Baekjin to taught him how to fight to defend himself from his bullies?”

“Huh?” Humin blinked, caught off guard at the sudden question — the new found information spilled from Hyuntak’s lips.

“You are seriously stupid, damn fuck. I am your best friend, asshole, do you think I’d let you spending times with Baekjin without me and just go on with my life?” Hyuntak gritted his teeth, breathing hard through his nose. The grip on his collar didn’t loosen though, if anything, it got even tighter, more suffocating. “I have always known, I just don’t talk about it because you don’t want to fucking talk about it, stupid.”

Humin stilled. His eyes widen at the honesty Hyuntak just gave him. “You…knew?” He asked with evident surprise on his face. “You knew and you don’t hate me for it?”

Humin obviously said the wrong thing, because it only made Hyuntak angrier than before. Next thing he knew was the younger pulled his collar hard, drawing Humin closer with such force but Humin didn’t find it in him to fight the pull — he didn’t want to.

“My knee got fucking ruined because I refuse to stop hang out with you and you think I’d hate you for wanting to help some elementary schooler? Be fucking serious.”

Hyuntak might as well just stabbed Humin on his chest with the way his heart throbbed painfully after hearing that. His mouth hung open for a few seconds, trying to find his words. “What?” Was the only thing he could manage. He knew Baekjin was after Hyuntak because he’s Humin’s friend, he didn’t knew Baekjin actually told Hyuntak to stop hang out with him and went that far because he refused.

But why the fuck did Hyuntak do that? He could have given in to Baekjin and do what he was told, Humin had never been a really good person for Hyuntak anyway — he deserved a better friend that wouldn’t drag him into the dirt along. Hyuntak was stupid in that part, but Humin was even more stupid for not knowing this. He would have pushed Hyuntak away himself if he had to, if that means keeping him safe, out of Baekjin’s reach. Humin would have done that — sure it would have hurt him but nothing he can’t manage, not even the pain of pushing away the one he loves to keep them safe.

“I didn’t tell you that so you could blame yourself even more, Humin.”

Too late. The apology was already forming in his mouth, “I’m sorry.”

“Fuck you.” Hyuntak actually pushed Humin hard until he’s lying flat on the couch with a loud thud. He hovered over Humin while still gripping his collar, their faces merely inch apart. In any other situation, Humin’s heart would throb painfully in his chest because of the proximity. Right now? Not so much. Humin just laid there, looking up at Hyuntak who was also staring down at him with fury and something Humin couldn’t quite put his finger at. His eyes were glassy. “Aren’t you tired of being so fucking stupid? Why can’t you use that brain of yours fucking properly?”

Humin asked himself the exact same question whenever he fucked up and dragged people down with him. “I know. I’m sorry.” Hyuntak opened his mouth to snap back but Humin beat him to it. “You shouldn’t have done that, Gogo-yah. You would have had your future still threaded neatly had you just gave what Baekjin asked.”

“Shut up.”

“You wouldn’t get stuck with me in Eunjang’s suck basketball team — you could’ve been out there living your dream.”

“I said shut up, Humin.”

“Now that Union is over and Baekjin’s gone, I hope I wouldn’t get you into more trouble. I — “

“Shut up.” And before Humin could say what he wanted to say, Hyuntak’s lips were already pressed over his in a firm kiss. Humin’s breath hitched as he gasped in surprise, his eyes widen so much meanwhile Hyuntak’s were shut but there was a deep crease on his forehead. Like he forced them shut the same way his lips shut Humin up just now.

Their lips didn’t move against each other but Humin closed his eyes to savor the sensation anyway, following Hyuntak’s lead. It felt nice. It made Humin’s mind clearer — or as clear as it could get after what he had just confessed. Hyuntak’s lips were soft — dry and chapped, but still soft nonetheless. Humin couldn’t think about other thing aside from Hyuntak and his lips but seconds passed and their lips are still unmoving — it was as if Hyuntak only did that to silence Humin, not because he wanted to do it, not because he means it. Humin felt the familiar ache in his chest upon the thought, he could hear his heart shattered, slowly. His lips started to quiver again and Hyuntak might have felt it too because he soon pulled away, taking away the warmth with him. 

Humin’s heart pounded against his ribs.

Their faces were still so close when Humin finally opened his eyes to meet Hyuntak’s gaze. Something had shifted in them, and Humin didn’t know if it was a good thing or not because the look Hyuntak gave him right now was one of those look he gave him every once a while. Humin hadn’t been able to crack the meaning behind it for how rare it was displayed to him the last few years they’ve been friends.

“Learn to shut up, Humin. I can’t keep doing that to silence your nasty mouth.” Hyuntak said it like he was annoyed — well, he definitely tried to, but Humin couldn’t find any heat in it to make it sound like a threat. Humin figured Hyuntak said it for the sake of saying it, to not make it weird and awkward because — what was that?

Humin couldn’t help but to stare. Hyuntak was avoiding his eyes by fixing his gaze at a spot between Humin’s shoulder and neck. There was a light blush on his cheeks, barely visible but his ears were even redder than Sieun’s earlier. Hyuntak looked so pretty like that, it almost made Humin forget about his messy confession and Hyuntak’s messy reaction.

Well, maybe Humin could forget about it for a bit. Just a bit. Just enough to not make him feel guilty for the next five minutes.

“That’s…probably the only effective way to shut me up, though.”

Hyuntak groaned in frustration as he loosened his grip on Humin’s collar. He let his head fell on top of Humin’s chest with a long, exasperated sigh. As soon as his head touched Humin’s chest, he muttered something. Humin felt the vibration against his clothed skin but it was all muffled and Humin didn’t hear the words clearly.

“I can’t hear you, Gotak-ah.”

Hyuntak was silence for a while, just breathing against Humin’s chest and Humin let him. Their position was not comfortable, almost awakward even, because Humin’s legs were still crossed and Hyuntak was half lying on top of his body but Humin was still content with it. He wouldn’t mind falling asleep like that; with Hyuntak flushed against him, just them sharing each other’s warmth and maybe they’d wake up tomorrow morning and everything would be back to normal — or as normal as it could get after they shared a kiss to stop an argument from happening, by all means. 

Humin bit back a smile. Hyuntak had just used a kiss to silence him.

He brought up his hand to touch Hyuntak’s hair, brushing it gently until the younger sighed onto his chest. With the way he was pressed against Humin, he definitely heard how hard Humin’s heart was drumming against his ribcage, but Humin didn’t have it in him to mind. He’s going to confess about his years of suppressed feelings anyway, there’s no need for him to be shy about it.

“I love you.”

Humin’s hand froze mid movement. That was not him — he did not say those words, not yet. 

His brain went on full speed, working overtime in matter of seconds. The room had gotten too quiet — good quiet, with only the hum of the air conditioning as a background noise. It made those three words bounced off the walls and echoed back to Humin. Loud and clear. His head buzzing. He felt a slight shiver ran down his spine.

“I’m not saying that again, stupid.” It was as if Hyuntak could hear Humin’s thoughts by listening to his heartbeat alone. He knew Humin heard it, heard every single word loud and clear but Hyuntak also knew Humin would still ask him anyway — what did you say? just to make sure he heard it right.

Humin felt something bloomed inside his chest. Something good. Something that was once caged but now ready to sprang out of Humin to make itself known, to let the other see its existence.

Humin tried to shift their position. He put both his hands on Hyuntak’s shoulder, trying to pull the latter up from his chest so he could see his face. Hyuntak didn’t let him. He held Humin tighter as a low whine escaped his lips like a protest.

The bloom inside Humin’s chest slowed down, stabilized upon hearing that soft sound. His hands on Hyuntak’s shoulders trembled ever so slightly, “Gogo…” he called, his voice gentle. He’d never heard his voice so…full of love like that. It almost surprised him. Almost. 

But it had surprised Hyuntak, because their bodies were still pressed against each other and Humin felt him tensed upon hearing Humin’s call. That’s probably the only reason why he loosened his hold on Humin and oh so slowly, pushed himself up. His face flushed prettily and he still avoided Humin’s gaze even after both of them were already sitting again, face to face just like how it started. It would have looked like they hadn’t moved an inch, but they did, and there was no gap between their knees this time.

They were silence for full five minutes or so, Humin hadn’t keeping count. He was watching Hyuntak intently the whole time while the latter fixed his gaze on his hand that was playing with the hem of his sweatpants. He was shying away, as if he wasn’t the one who leaned in first for the kiss. 

Humin wanted to reach out.

“Fuck, Go Hyuntak, you are messing with my head.”

That got Hyuntak’s attention. He looked up in surprise, his eyes wide and twinkled under the warm lighting in the living room. When their gaze locked into each other, Humin stopped breathing for a second but Hyuntak? He didn’t even try to hide his embarrassment, if the way his head whipped around so quickly was any indication.

He stared straight ahead to the tv screen that was long forgotten, still showing the show they have watched. “As if you’re not messing with my head too, dipshit.” Hyuntak said, probably meaning it to come out meaner than that but all Humin could hear in it was affection.

The shit eating grin bloomed on Humin’s face. He let out a long, relieved sigh and he let his weight fell onto Hyuntak’s body while a joyous, loud giggle escaped his lips.

“What the actual fuck, Humin.”

“God,” Humin sighed, ignoring the the way his heart might combust anytime soon now with how crazily it was beating. His forehead resting comfortably on Hyuntak’s shoulder. “I love you.” He said. But it was not enough, he’s still breathless and his senses were still overwhelmed. He still has so much of those feelings pooled up inside his chest, wanted to be freed. Those three words wouldn’t be enough to express everything he felt for Hyuntak no matter how often he’d say it. “I love you.”

Something made contact with the skin on Humin’s nape. Something warm, namely Hyuntak’s palm. “Took you long enough, moron.” He whispered to Humin’s hair, there was a grin in his voice. He left a soft kiss on top of Humin’s head as his hand massaged Humin’s nape in a soothing manner. “Now please stop blaming yourself for things, asshole. I don’t want your love for me to be overshadowed by the guilt.” 

The switch up in Hyuntak’s tone made Humin cackle. Then the palm on his nape moved higher and there was a tug on his hair — not hard, but not gentle either, just enough to pull Humin’s face away from Hyuntak’s shoulder and he was met with Hyuntak’s intense but soft gaze fixed on him. “And you are also allowed to be sad for Baekjin for as long as you need, dummy. I’m not a possessive, evil boyfriend who doesn’t have empathy.”

Humin’s eyes widen ever so slightly at that. He leaned away to straightened his posture, all while staring at Hyuntak whose lips formed a small pout as he watched Humin put some distance between them. Humin’s lips opened and closed like a stupid fish, too distracted to be able to organize the overlapping thoughts in his head.

He took a long, ragged breath, “You — ” he said when his voice found its way back to his lips, making a sudden pause because he needed it — needed to give himself a moral support before he carried on with his question. Hyuntak held his gaze, one brow raised questioningly at him. “You…are my boyfriend?”

Now both Hyuntak’s brows perked up at the question, he was judging Humin hard. “What, you want me to be your wife?”

Humin stuttered. “No, that’s not— “

“Good,” Hyuntak said. Unfazed. Unbothered. “Because there’s no way in hell you are calling me a wife like those men in Thailand boyslove series Juntae likes to watch. That would offend me so bad, I might kill you on spot for it.”

Humin blinked. “Juntae watched what?”

“You didn’t know?”

Humin felt like he was being dumb. But also, when did he ever not?

“I thought he only reads manga.”

Hyuntak giggled, and it might be the overwhelmingly amount of love speaking, but Hyuntak’s giggle had never sounded more beautiful than it did just now. It made the butterflies in Humin’s stomach gone insane. “The manga he reads are even worse than those boyslove series, though. You silly don’t know Juntae ships us, do you?”

“Ship — as in, he sends us somewhere?”

“Idiot,” Hyuntak mumbled with an affectionate eye-roll Humin’s so familiar with. And before Humin could ask another stupid question just to make Hyuntak laugh, Hyuntak’s arms were already circling around his neck. Their faces once again got so close, Hyuntak’s warm breath brushed against Humin’s cheeks as he spoke, sending the warmth into Humin’s entire body. “But you are the idiot that I chose, so this one’s on me, Huminnie.”

Humin’s grin bloomed like the morning sun, warm and bright, but not blinding. Not to Hyuntak — never to him.

“Huminnie?” Humin repeated. The affectionate use of his name rolled out of Hyuntak’s tongue again after so many years of being left in their past made his insides turn jelly. He hadn’t heard that name since elementary school when Hyuntak decided they’re already old enough to start calling each other using another endearment — the ones that don’t sound childish, he had said. Humin had sulked for a whole week for that.

Hyuntak mirrored his grin, “thought that would be more fitting in this situation rather than calling you a shithead.” he said. “Or a dumbass. Or asshole, or — ”

He was cut short by Humin’s lips slamming against his in one swift movement, captured not just the words but also the surprise gasp Hyuntak made when their lips connected — Humin swallowed all of it. Hyuntak closed his eyes in an instant, arms tightening around Humin’s neck when the latter held his waist and pulled him closer.

There was no hesitation in the kiss, there was just determination — a kiss to fix their mistake in the first one. The kind of a kiss that had been rehearsed into perfection — in Humin’s head, at least. He’d imagined kissing Hyuntak more often than what he’d dare to admit — had imagined it so often that, in his head, their kiss can’t be improved anymore. But who was Humin kidding? This real kiss he shared with Hyuntak was better by miles compared to all those made up kisses in his head. Nothing can compared to this.

This kiss was maddeningly sweet — perhaps it was from the ice cream earlier, or it was just Hyuntak’s lips that tasted like sugar. Or perhaps it was the overwhelming love taking over, gaslighting Humin’s senses into believing it was just what Hyuntak taste, sweet as he is. Whatever it was, Humin couldn’t get enough of it. His grips on Hyuntak’s waist tightened, he pulled him impossibly closer to his body until Hyuntak was positively sitting on his lap, his legs circling Humin’s torso.

Soft whimper left Hyuntak’s lips when Humin put the littlest distance to lick the younger’s lower lip like he was trying to wipe the non-existence ice cream stain he saw earlier with his tongue. He dived in again almost immediately, tilted his head to capture Hyuntak’s lips in a better, more comfortable angle. Both his hands cupped Hyuntak’s face, his thumbs put up some pressure onto Hyuntak’s jaw, willing his lips to open and let Humin enter.

A slight tremor ran through Humin’s body when their tongues met. Humin had never felt this good in his life.

God, he thought in between soft sighs and licks on Hyuntak’s welcoming mouth. It has to be illegal for a kiss to feel this good. 

But then Hyuntak nibbled Humin’s lower lip in a very sensual way, and an embarrassing moan escaped Humin’s shameful lips before he could even stop it. They both pulled away at the same time, frozen and frightened. Their half lidded eyes were now wide in horror staring at each other, as if they couldn’t believe what they just did. 

Humin was the first one to recover from the shock. He heaved a deep sigh as he leaned in to hide his face onto the crook of Hyuntak’s neck, embarassed. He was a breathless mess and everything felt too hot — his body, Hyuntak’s body against his, the room temprature. He was panting hard, but Hyuntak was even in a worse condition than Humin himself was. He’s still straddling Humin’s laps, panting just as hard but he let Humin used his neck as a hiding nest. Hyuntak rested his cheek on top of Humin’s head, trying to even out his own breathing.

The quiet room was filled with their ragged breath for a little while. They didn’t say anything, didn’t need to — also, their minds were too preoccupied with what they just did and what’s going to happen after to manage a conversation. They needed to go down from the high first.

They just let the silence stretched, comfortable. Content. Humin leaned in even deeper into Hyuntak’s embrace, feeling a little bit drowsy and way too comfortable with their position. Hyuntak’s weight on top of his laps hardly even bothered Humin.

When they were not panting anymore and Humin’s voice finally made its way back to him, Humin spoke to Hyuntak’s neck, still unwilling to let go. “I thought I would lose you tonight.”

Hyuntak scoffed, “it’d take a lot more than that for you to get rid of me, stupid, I dare you to try.” He threatened. “After all I have gone through for just being by your side? No way I’m dumping you before I get the compensation for every pain I had to endure because of your reckless ass.”

Hyuntak still had his arms circling around Humin’s neck in a loose embrace, as if he was just as reluctant to let go but Humin pushed himself away from Hyuntak ever so slowly, putting a bit distance between their bodies. The guilt is still there, trying to push itself up to Humin’s throat again. His stomach clenched uncomfortably at the thought of every problem he had brought to Hyuntak all those years they’ve been friends.

Humin looked up and his eyes found that of Hyuntak who was watching him intently with a frown. His lips were pouting a little, his ear were still red, hair a little messy. Hyuntak had never looked so dreamy.

“Look,” he started to distract himself from the itch on his skin to cradle Hyuntak’s face. He needed to be honest with Hyuntak, he can’t be distracted now. So instead of cradling Hyuntak’s face and got lost in his pretty eyes, Humin held Hyuntak’s waist and drew small circles with his thumbs on the younger’s sides. The soft fabric of Hyuntak’s shirt felt nice on his skin. “I know I have confessed, and I know you don’t want me to blame myself for shit but it’s just there, Gogo. I’m still feeling guilty about it.”

Hyuntak’s eyes narrowed, but then it softened. He tried to fix Humin’s messy hair with his finger, then before Humin knew it, Hyuntak flicked his exposed forehead. Hard.

“What was that for?” Humin protested as he instinctively put a palm on his forehead, afraid Hyuntak would attack him again for asking stupid question.

“That’s part of my compensation.” Hyuntak replied shortly. The glint in his eyes looked dangerous. “Of course you’d still feeling guilty, you stupid shit. But you will try to let it go, wont you?” That was not even a question. It sounded more like a threat. “You will try to do that for me.” Straight up an order, that one.

Humin couldn’t help but to whine. 

“You will try, Humin. I would smack your head with a chair if you don’t.”

Humin flinched. “Now that’s just you being mean, Gotak-ah. I’m literally your boyfriend.”

That last part was a slip. Humin surprised himself with how easily it was for him to say that. He expected Hyuntak to be surprised too, to tease him about it but all he did was smirking. So smug was his face, Humin felt heat rising on his cheeks. 

His breath got caught in his throat when Hyuntak cradled his face, slowly leaning into Humin’s personal space again like a threat. He looked dangerous like that, Humin almost pulled back.

“Boyfriend?” He asked, voice low. He was playing with Humin’s heart, Humin knew that but he couldn’t stop his heart from going berserk against his rib cage.

“Uh-huh.”

Then Hyuntak laughed. Full, doubled-over laughing that Humin had to hold him tighter for fear he’d fall over the couch for how hard he was laughing. The sound made Humin’s heart swell with love.

“You should’ve seen your face.” Hyuntak said when he got down from his laughing fit. His eyes were watery, and he was still laughing but not so much. “My God, you silly little puppy.” He squished Humin’s cheeks. “You should ask me first, dumbass. Gotak-ah, do you want to be my boyfriend? like that. Try to be a man, Humin, I haven’t even said yes — where is the consent?”

Humin’s eyes narrowed. “You referred yourself as my boyfriend first, though. Why is it only a problem when I say it and not when you say it?”

Hyuntak shrugged, “I just want to be a brat.” He said nonchalantly. Humin stared at him in disbelief. “Are you going to ask me or not? I can go off — “

“Please,” Humin cut him off mid sentence, holding Hyuntak still in his place on top of Humin’s lap. He looked Hyuntak dead in the eyes, hoping the latter would understand. “Let me be your boyfriend, Hyuntak-ah. I might drive myself to — “

“You can’t fucking drive.”

“I can learn! That’s not even the point! What I’m trying to — “

“Okay.”

“Huh?”

Hyuntak rolled his eyes, “I said okay, dumbass. I’ll be your boyfriend. I’m saving myself the agony of having to see your ugly crying face if I reject you.”

Humin grinned. “You just love me.”

“Not as much as you love me, Humin. Know your place.”

And this time, Humin didn’t push back the urge to cradle Hyuntak’s face. He reached out, letting his finger feel the warmth of Hyuntak’s skin against that of his. The smile bloomed on Hyuntak’s lips, his eyes turned crescent, just like how Humin loves it.

“I know my place,” he said, caressing Hyuntak’s cheeks with his thumbs. He leaned in, whispered to Hyuntak’s lips. “It’s next to you. Wherever you are.”

“Cheesy bastard.”

When their lips met again, Humin felt dizzy and lightheaded.

The good kind. The kind that he didn’t mind. Wouldn’t mind.

 

Later that night when Hyuntak was lying next to him and used his arm as a pillow, Humin thought about his first real deadly fight.

Just a day after Baekjin ruined Hyuntak’s knee.

The day when Humin was nothing but a ball of wrath and fury, a monster ready to be unleashed.

It was the first fight when all Humin sees was red, when all he had in mind was to kill — to hurt people who dared to lay a finger on Hyuntak, to knock them cold on the floor. The wrath he felt had taken over all his senses, to be damned all consequences. He would’ve really went for the kill, but his phone buzzed with a customized ringtone he had set for Hyuntak’s contact in his phone, and his head cleared.

Not clear enough to make him regret what he’d done, though, just clear enough to realize Hyuntak had saved those people even when they don’t deserve it.

Humin had left the scene covered in bruised and blood, but he didn’t feel any pain. All he felt was tiredness, almost numb. 

He had been on his way walking back to the the hospital when he sees the man — the poster of the man from the ‘match made in heaven’ bullshit glued on a lamp post. Humin felt the rage coming back to him, remembered how the man cheated on his wife — remembered how bad things always followed whenever they have the ‘match made in heaven’ talk. Hyuntak cursed the man. His face on the poster. Insane that he was that night.

“Stop thinking so loud, asshole.” Hyuntak’s sleepy voice cut through the comfortable silence. He nuzzled closer into Humin’s neck. “Sleep.”

Humin left a kiss on top of his head. “I’ll text Sieun first.”

Hyuntak hummed, already closer to being asleep than awake. It made Humin smile.

Baku
SIEUN CHAN

Humin received Sieun’s reply barely two minutes later.

High and Mighty Yeon Sieun
What

Baku
Say
Do you think Gotak and I can be a match made in heaven couple?

High and Mighty Yeon Sieun
Why do you even ask that

Humin was still thinking about his answer when he got another text from Sieun.

High and Mighty Yeon Sieun
Only you and Hyuntak can answer that
Are you two official now?

Humin suppressed a giggle. He turned off his phone, put it on the bedside table, closed his eyes. 

He’ll have announcement to tell tomorrow, but for now, he’ll just sleep while having Hyuntak pressed tightly to his body. Humin earned this one.

 

 — June, 4th 2025.