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I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
Its too cold. It's still freezing. I must have come down with something.
Something bad.
Something horrible.
Maybe. The same thing that happened to Berdly.
Berdly. Berdly. Berdly.
Berdly.
BERDLY.
BERDLY.
It's pounding in my head. It's screaming in my head. It won't let me forget. It won't let me. Did I get sick with the same thing he did? Should I have gone to the hospital too?
I deserve it. I should be there with him. At the very least.
But I can't. I can't. I CAN'T.
I can't look at him. I can't.
Not after what I did. But I didn't do that. Did I?
You did.
How do I still hear them? How? Kris' voice… is that Kris' voice…?
How can I hear them, still?
Still, even through the snowstorm? I can't hear anything else. I can barely hear my own thoughts.
Stop thinking about them. Stop thinking about them. Stop thinking about what they did to you. What they made you do. Stop thinking about WHAT YOU DID TO BERDLY.
…
…
…
Numb.
…
…
…
Am I at home? I know I am at home. I have to be. There was a snowstorm today. There was a snowstorm today. There was a snowstorm today.
I'm in my bed. Aren't I? But no matter how many blankets I cover myself with, no matter how much I try to warm myself…
Numb.
Numb.
I'm tired. I'm so tired. I can't sleep. I'm so tired.
I can't breathe. The blankets are suffocating me. There is frostbite in my lungs. There is frostbite on my fingers. Where is my dad? Where is my dad?
He's not here.
No one is here.
I'm here.
They are. They are. They are all that's left. I'm not myself. I'm not here.
Can't breathe.
I toss off the blankets of snow. I dig myself out. I can hardly find my way out. Why would I think to warm myself under blankets of snow? Of course I'm freezing. Of course I'm suffocating.
I need to get out. It's too cold. It's too cold. Why is the AC always set to be this cold? This is insane. This isn't right. What is mom thinking?
The snowstorm outside will be warmer! Will be better! I need to get OUT. I need to find somebody! I NEED TO FIND SOMEBODY.
Find me.
I need to find Kris. No. No. Please. Not Kris. Not Kris. Anyone but Kris. Anyone but Kris. Anyone but Kris. Anyone but Kris.
Find me.
Noelle.
They're calling out to me. Kris? That is not.
Noelle…
I'm outside.
I think I'm outside.
I'm outside. I think I'm outside. Have I moved? Am I still stuck under the blankets of snow? Am I trapped? It's so white. I can't see. It is only white. I still can't breathe. Nothing has changed.
Noelle.
I just need to leave. I need to leave. I need to go somewhere. Where? I can't see anything. I'm blind. I'm completely blind. It would terrify me if I could feel. If I could feel my heart, my soul, pounding. It should be. It should be.
I'm so scared. I'm so scared. Please help me. Somebody please help me.
Find me.
Noelle.
I need to find them. I need to find Kris. If I just trudge through the snow, if I just push against the biting wind, I know where to find them. I know.
They will be the only one. The only one that can end this.
I need it to end.
I want it to end.
Noelle.
Follow it. The voice. Calling me.
Noelle.
Follow it.
I still can't breathe. But.
I am numb.
I am numb.
It is all I can hope for.
Stay. Numb.
It's better than suffocating. It's better than frostbite.
Noelle.
Just move. Do what it says. Make it stop. Only it can make it stop. Only it can end this.
Numb. Numb.
It's all fading to white. I am fading to white. It's all fading to white. It doesn't hurt. I don't mind. Just make it stop.
Noelle.
Thank you. For stopping it.
Noelle.
Thank you.
Noelle.
…
…
"Noelle."
Something grabs my wrist. Something. How? There is nothing. How could I feel it? I'm numb.
"Noelle."
I'm coming. To make it end.
"Noelle."
This… is…
The storm it… how can… is it fading…? Am I… waking up…?
"Noelle."
Something pricks my finger.
All at once, all at once, the storm has vanished.
It's like it was never there!
I see the pine trees swaying in the dark. I can smell their needles. I smell apples. The wind blows a light breeze into my ears, through my hair. I can hear it! I can feel it! It isn't howling storms anymore!
My chest rises and falls. A bit quickly at first, but … but… I can feel it! I can breathe again! Oh, it feels so good to breathe again!
The lights are off in my home behind me. My eyes have already grown accustomed to the dark somehow. It isn't very scary. The silhouette of my home is dark and imposing, but the decorations make it easy to see even like this. The red of the candy canes, of Santa's coat…! Oh, I never knew how much I wanted to see Santa again!
The green of the trees! The brown of the bark! Even the black of dark! Thank goodness! Thank goodness! Anything but white!
Oh, the quiet ring of the bells in the breeze…
"Noelle."
I scream.
No, no, no, it can't be back already, it can't it can'titcantitcantitcant
"Noelle."
It grabs my wrist. I scream again. But at least I can scream. At least I can feel.
"It's me," a tiny voice says.
What?
"It's me. Noelle."
Kris…? But…
"… you hear me…?"
Kris mumbles something I can barely understand. Oh! Can you hear me?
"Yes! Yes, I can hear you!" I say. My heart leaps with joy. I can speak! I can speak! I can hear myself!
"y…okay…" they say.
You're okay.
"Kris!" I say. "Kris! It's really you!" Something inside me snaps. But it isn't bad. I'm just. I'm so happy I can feel. I'm so happy I can feel. And Kris… this is the Kris I know! This isn't that one.
I feel tears slide down my cheeks. It's okay. I'm so happy. I feel the tears. I'm so happy…!
"…rry… t was… prank…" Kris mumbled. It was so strange, hearing Kris just like I always remembered them. The messy brown hair, the dirty green shirt with a yellow stripe…! Oh, I'm even happy to see Kris…!
"…was…rank," they say again. Even for Kris, this was a bit quieter than I remember. They were shaking a bit? Like. They'd strained themselves getting here? Or maybe they'd just been carrying something heavy?
Sorry. It was a prank.
"Oh!" I say with a squeak. "Cheezus, Kris! It was a prank?!"
They nod sluggishly. "Sorry." They repeat. How many times have they said it? Or am I mishearing?
"…or watch." They pointed at my wrist? "I stole…" Their voice trailed off as it usually did. It was okay. I've learned to understand Kris' way of speaking by now. They always had trouble speaking.
I stole your watch.
"…le… sleeping…library."
While you were sleeping at the library.
"You stole my watch when I fell asleep in the library?!" I couldn't help but laugh. Even if I was crying. It made so much sense! Oh thank goodness… "Cheezus, Kris, that's so messed up!"
Their lips kept moving. How did they get here? It was Kris. Kris could get here whenever they wanted.
"Sorry for taking your watch, Noelle," they said. I could hear them a little better. I was remembering their mumbles, their stutters, their way of talking. It was coming back to me like it had never left. I could understand Kris.
"It was all a stupid prank."
They slip something cool around my wrist. I yelp. Is it…?
Oh. Oh, it's just my watch. My watch… It feels good to have it back. Even if it's a little cool to the touch. That's okay.
"Sorry for being weird at the hospital, Noelle." They say it in such a deadpan voice. As if it was a struggle to show any emotion. But that… that was Kris! This is Kris! The Kris I remember!
"It's okay!" I say back, wiping away another tear of relief. My nose must be running, oh this is so embarrassing…!
But Kris doesn't make fun of me for once.
"Berdly will get better," they say. I didn't get to finish my thought. Kris has been mumbling the whole time. But that's good! That's good! That means they don't know what I'm thinking! They don't have that strange uncanny ability to only speak right after I'm done with my thought!
Wait.
"Berdly will get better," they say.
"So Berdly was sick…?" I say, frost stinging my lungs. Did I…
"Berdly will get better," they say again. Firmer. As firm as Kris can be at least. "I got him sick. I got you sick. It was a prank. A stupid prank."
"So it was… real…?" I breathe out. It bites at my insides.
"No!" Kris suddenly shouts. It shakes me out of my thoughts. "It was… just a prank, Noelle."
"But how…?"
"Just a prank, Noelle. Berdly will get better." They mumble. "I promise."
It's hard to believe. Truly it's all hard to believe. How could Kris have gotten us sick? Maybe they put something in our food? It was just meant to mess with us? Like Kris always did.
Poor Berdly! He must have gotten hit with it harder than me, whatever it was. Kris had always been a bit tougher on him…
"Berdly will get better," they say again, while I'm trying to think. They barely give me a chance to process anything. But that's Kris. Oh, Kris… I'm so glad it's really you.
I can't help it. I move in closer. They smell like apples. Kris is really here. It was just some kind of crazy fever dream…
"Kris…" I start saying. "What you did to me was awful."
They froze. It was like I had casted ICESHOCK on them.
"… I know… rry." Sorry.
"Oh, Kris!" I give them a light shove. They nearly topple over like a flimsy pile of snow. Oops! "What else is new with you, huh? Just… don't do another prank as hard as that again, okay?"
"I won't. Okay."
"Faha, I won't even tell my dad as long as you be a little extra nice to me!"
They grab my wrist again.
"Noelle." Their voice is firm. It's still Kris. Thankfully. It's still Kris.
"What is it…?"
"Don't talk about what happened. To anyone."
I couldn't help but tilt my head at them. "So you won't get in trouble…?"
A pause.
A pause.
A breeze jingles the chimes along my porch. It's nice.
"Yeah."
"Faha!" I laugh, my chest warming the chill away. "You know Dad will kick your…" I avoided swearing. "Don't you?"
A pause.
"Yeah."
"Hmm." I smile. The back and forth teasing… it's so nostalgic. "I'll see how I feel, faha! Maybe I'll let one of the Santas decide your fate…!"
They grab my wrist again. My soul skips a beat.
"Kris…?"
"Don't even talk to me about it. Don't let anyone hear about it. Not even me."
"What does… that even…?"
"Not. Even. Me. Noelle."
They're… they're serious. They're so serious. I've never seen Kris like this, even in the past few days. They're looking my way. They're trying to make eye contact even! Kris never makes eye contact on purpose.
"All right," I say. If their grip wasn't so weak, I'd probably ask them to stop holding onto me, but… it's nice. It's nice feeling something.
They let out a sigh. Their grip loosens. They look away. They rub their arm. Even highlighted in only the dim moonlight, I can see them so well. They're Kris. Just like they always were.
They scratch the back of their head. "I need to go. Mom will—"
"W-wait!" I call out suddenly, surprising them and even myself. "Please wait."
Kris listens. That's another surprise. They must really feel guilty.
"Could you…" I trail off. They listen. They even lean in to hear me better. "Could you sit with me? For just a little while longer?"
Kris is silent. That's okay. That's Kris. They don't respond. They simply slump into the porch seat like they always do. Just like back then, they curl up into the corner of it, their legs a weird dangly mess. Kris could never sit normally could they…? Haha.
I sit on the opposite corner. Kris doesn't say anything, doesn't do much of anything, but they slowly look around. They look to the trees. To the dark. To the bells. To me. Then quickly back to the bells.
It's… it's so nice. It's so nice. Everything is back to normal. I cry again. I can't help it. Maybe Kris doesn't notice. Or they pretend not to. I cry again, but it's such a relief. A weight off my chest. Off my head. It feels so nice to cry. There's nothing holding me back but myself.
And I don't want to hold anything back anymore.
For longer we sit in the darkness still. In silence. I like it. I'm finally not alone. In this giant house, cold as ice, darker than dark. I'm not alone right now.
Even out in the midnight sky, even in the cool breeze, it doesn't feel as cold. Kris is here. It's warm. My eyelids are so heavy. But not because of the numbness. It's so… so comfortable.
The crickets are chirping. The stars are twinkling. Kris watches out for me. Leaves rustle in the breeze. I smell their apple shampoo from here.
I slip into the black. The blue. The yellow of the stars. The green of Kris' shirt. It surrounds me in a blanket of colors. I drift away into sleep, finally.
I'm okay.