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It was time for the eulogy. Chilled never expected to have to write one, let alone one for Ze. God, he couldn’t believe he was gone. Chilled’s palms began to sweat as he walked up to the podium. He looked out at everyone. Hunter was crying, her head resting on Ze’s mom’s shoulder. Ze’s dad, sister, brother-in-law, and baby nephew were there as well, silently crying, except for the baby. Others who had flown from around the world were sitting somberly. Chilled reached inside his sports coat, and pulled out the speech he had written. He stared at it, tears welling in his eyes, and unfolded it. Taking a deep breath, he wiped the tears from his eyes, and began to read.
☙--❧
We’re here to celebrate Ze, someone who left us way too soon. He led a moderate life. He worked an office job where he fixed computers. He was the IT department, you could say, although he didn’t believe that.
He loved those fucking computers, always looking at their code, fascinated with the way they worked. I miss that sparkle in his eyes whenever he started to rant about them. I fucking miss it.
He lived in a house with his girlfriend, Hunter, and their three dogs, Hashbrown, Zelda, and Yoshi, and he was surrounded by people who loved him. He had brown, untamable, curly hair that never cooperated, no matter what day of the week, and green aventurine eyes.
I miss those eyes.
He also had a rare blood condition, Hemophilia A, as I’m sure most of you already know, which caused frequent bruising as a result of having thinner, less frequently clotting blood. It didn’t cause him to bleed out faster in any way, but he bled out for longer. The pain I saw in his eyes that day was unbearable.
Tears started to roll down Chilled’s cheeks, a sniffle starting. Fuck, let me get back to what I was saying.
His condition didn’t stop him from doing things he loved, from going to hang out with friends at a bar, or going out to dinner with Hunter, or even gaming in his free time. He was a happy guy who always had a smile on his face. He did what he thought was best for his friends, giving them what they wanted, even if he didn't want it himself He wanted to see others enjoying their lives.
Another sniffle escaped his nose. Fuck, sorry. I need a minute.
I remember one moment when we were gaming together after he got off his shift, we were playing Among Us with some friends. Those were the days. Ze never really got to play games often because he was swamped with work, fixing bugs and whatnot. He was amazing at the game, always on top of everything, knowing what to say at the right time, and being very observant during meetings--listening for people's guilty and innocent tells. I remember being so jealous of him because he was so smart and good at it. I aspired to be like him. But this always stuck with me. Whenever people were goofing off in a meeting, talking about random bullshit, Ze would shut up and let people carry on with it, even if he had something important to say about where a body was, or who the murderer was. He was playing the game, while others were playing another game inside it. He realized that people were starting to not play the game as intended. It made him kind of sad because it made it seem as if people didn't like deception games anymore, one of his favorite game categories. He called me that night, worried that no one would want to hang out and game with him anymore because he had different interests than they did. I know that he got frustrated about the nonsense meetings, but he never complained or confronted people about it because he wanted them to have fun. Even if he wasn't.
After he said this, Chilled saw many people's expressions change into ones of guilt. How could they have known what Ze was feeling and thinking? They overpowered and drowned out his voice, even if it wasn't intentional.
Ze was by far the most selfless person I've ever met. He cared about everyone but himself. That is why I’m standing here before all of you today, and he isn’t. He saved my life so I could have a future, instead of his own. He let me live and let himself die. If it weren't for him, I'd be in that casket. I deserve to be in that fucking casket! Not him!…not him.
He took another pause, one that was followed by tears and a sniffle.
To my caffeine addicted friend, my best friend, I miss and love you.
☙--❧
Barely audible, Chilled whispered.
So, so much.
It's all my fault. It's my fault you're dead.
I killed you.