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There's a certain feeling of utter despair one feels when they realize sleep is hopeless, even through heavy eyes and a swimming head. The darkness and warm blankets doing nothing to help as the idea of slumber falls further and further away from you.
You try to reconcile your inability to reach that so desired state by making excuses. Maybe you start to see sunlight peeking through the blinds, then you start telling yourself things like ‘well, now I may as well stay up.’ You think to yourself how easy it will be to just manage your way through the day like a zombie, brain dead, shambling like a hollow shell until you can fall into your bed at a reasonable time.
It's a good thing. You've been needing to sleep earlier, anyway. This is a good idea. You're high functioning with no sleep.
These are all things you tell yourself, but you know it’s all a lie. Because you're going to feel time crawl by slowly, all while you try your hardest to keep your head on straight.
The truth is, the night has always been an enemy to the mind, even as a boon to the creative soul. It preys on you, leeching like a vampire on your mental health, convincing you of things that you'd never believe in the safety of the light.
It whispers honeyed words, tempting you, luring you into thinking like it wants you to with promises of creative fulfilment and freely given love; and in return its ghost hangs over you like a possession. It follows you into the day if you can't shake it off with sleep.
Hitori knew, like so many others who attached themselves to the devastating beauty of creation so intimately, that there was no recompense given for the damage the night caused to the soul.
But it was worse for Ryo, she knew, and as she turned to feel for her on the bed, she only felt her absence.
She raised up, softly rubbing her eyes while the two girls beside her cuddled so close and tight together you'd think they were fused. A little pile of yellow and red. It brought a small smile to her face. But it just didn’t feel right without the missing one-fourth to her, and regardless, she already knew she was going to have a hell of a time trying to get back to sleep.
She could feel it in her tired soul.
She slowly, carefully removed herself from the covers, doing her best not to cause too much of a fuss. The mattress was notoriously expressive with even the slightest of movements. Somehow, though, she managed.
As her bare feet touched the cold floor she winced in regret, and as she swiped her phone from the bedside table she almost groaned upon turning the screen on.
The big, bright white numbers reading three forty-six sent a sense of dread through her entire being. She quietly placed it back onto the table and stood up off the bed, the usual phrases buzzing through her skull.
They really tried to be so convincing.
She couldn't silence them. They just had to be thought. As much as she hated it, she knew that there was no more sleep to be found. Even still, she yawned, her arms raising high into a stretch that just served to wake her up even more.
She knew one thing, though, and that one thing provided at least a bit of comfort in the moment.
She wasn't alone.
She shut the bedroom door behind her, just in case she would make more noise than she wanted to, and continued on down the stairs toward a faint light she knew was coming from the kitchen.
Step by step, darkness gave way to light, and in the silence of the night she could hear the slight sound of music leaking through a pair of headphones and the scratching of a pen to paper.
As Hitori turned the corner, her eyes fell on a dimly lit blue. Her pupils dilated, her heart rate marginally increased. She was aware of neither of these things.
She shambled into the kitchen, fixing her hair as if she'd suddenly become aware of it being a mess. Ryo looked up at her, catching slight movement just outside of her view.
They both just stared at one another for a bit, neither daring to break the silence with questions that had obvious answers. Then, finally, Ryo touched her phone screen to turn it on and paused her music. The headphones came off, a sigh followed as she rubbed her sleepy eyes.
“W-want some water?” Hitori asked, noticing the absence of any drink whatsoever on the table. Ryo merely nodded, knowing she was going to get her some anyway.
Ryo watched her as she opened the cabinet to pull out two glasses. They were short and wide, from a set that Nijika had bought the same day they had moved into the house.
It was about three years ago, but Ryo could still remember the girl's beaming smile as she was putting them in the cabinet.
“What kind of family doesn't have glasses? Even me and sis had glasses!” That was what she said. It was the emphasis on the word family. It still twisted Ryo's stomach into knots thinking about it. And how happy she looked.
Hitori placed her drink in front of her, sitting down in the chair to her right as she began to sip at her own glass.
It wasn't an awkward silence that followed. It was comfortable. The two of them had worked out the secret to that many years ago. But even so, Ryo felt almost compelled to speak for once. Maybe it was the shared feeling of guilt that drove her to it.
This was their moment, after all. It only belonged to them, and their two loves upstairs, who never truly struggled to get a good night's sleep, were none the wiser.
Not that it was really a big deal. They had all shared moments of intimacy with one another away from the others, it came with the territory. Still, there was a part of this, these moments with just the two of them and a sleepless feeling hanging in the air… it kind of felt like stealing the early hours of the morning just for themselves.
Ryo pushed their chairs together in one quick, quiet motion, leaning her head on Hitori's shoulder as her right hand snaked forward and gently found Hitori's left resting expectantly on her thigh.
“You know, this is the third night in a row. Ikuyo might get jealous if she finds out,” Ryo said quietly, a smirk developing on her lips. It was just a small one, and the statement was only half a joke, but Hitori still humored her with a small, tired giggle.
“I think you mean when she f-finds out…” Hitori replied, knowing full well that it was impossible to hide anything from that girl. Nijika too. They could both see right through them. Not that they were trying to hide anything.
But talking about it as if it was this big secret was sometimes kind of thrilling in its own way. To pretend to do something so scandalous.
“It could be worse,” Ryo said through an amused smile. “She could walk in on us on the couch again, just like last time…” Ryo nuzzled into Hitori's head, desperate to feel just that much closer to her.
“Nijika said if we ever did it on the couch again that she'd-”
“Yeah, yeah,” Ryo chuckled, wanting so badly to just wrap Hitori in her arms and forget everything from the past few hours. “She only said that
after
anyways.”
Hitori shifted, allowing her to press as closely as she wanted. She underestimated just how close that was, however, and the two of them almost lost balance. Hitori flailed, shifting again to make sure the chairs were completely grounded as Ryo just huffed out another sigh as her body tightened up.
Normally, they’d have laughed at such a thing. Normally. But neither really had the energy for that, and it was clear to Hitori that it had actually annoyed Ryo, considering the way she clung to her even more tightly.
She knew she didn’t actually like staying up so late. She had assumed long ago that the girl was just a night owl by nature, which always explained so neatly why she’d so easily fall asleep on train rides, and even sometimes manage to sleep standing up.
As they grew closer, she had realized it was just a consequence of a general lack of sleep. By mid-day, Ryo was always at least a little out of it.
Right now, though, she seemed as out of it as ever. Hitori understood completely… It
had
been three whole nights of waking up around the same time, and for Ryo, even earlier. It was starting to become a routine, and one neither wanted anything to do with.
Hitori placed her right hand on top of Ryo’s as it held onto her left, planting a small kiss on the top of her head. Ryo’s body loosened slightly, but Hitori knew this was not enough. With so much piled up sleep debt, she wasn’t sure she could
do
enough.
But she could try.
“H-hey…” Hitori, catching onto her feelings from just how needy she was being, squeezed her hand and pulled her along out of the kitchen and through to the living room.
It was dark, only lit by the light in the kitchen having been left on. But it was just enough to see, anyway, and both of them felt just fine in the dark.
Hitori sat down on the couch, expecting Ryo to sit down next to her. She wasn't expecting her to immediately push her down flat until her head was resting on the arm rest.
Hitori squeaked in surprise as Ryo snuggled into her, not even trying to suppress her desire for physical affection like usual.
They were still holding hands, and Hitori felt how Ryo trembled into her grasp. It was such a tight hold now, it almost hurt. But Hitori held on, never once letting go. Even as Ryo buried her face in her neck and whispered into her skin.
“I'm so tired,” she said, her voice wavering in barely held frustration. “I just want to sleep.” Hitori froze, past habits coming back to the forefront.
It was so rare to see Ryo this vulnerable, this emotional.
She hesitated only briefly, a sense of uncertainty taking over before she fought it off.
She knew what she had to do. So she did.
Her right hand came to Ryo's head, soft fingers gliding through soft blue tresses and occasionally petting her head gently.
“I… I know. I know… Just breathe. I-I’m here for you.”
For as long as Ryo kept trembling, she kept it up. She'd keep it up forever if she needed her to. But eventually, finally, after about thirty minutes of soft pets and assurances, Ryo was breathing gently.
Hitori smiled, the soft pulses of her lover's breath upon her neck pulling her eyelids down.
“Bocchi… Hitori…” Ryo mumbled, her eyelids following suit. “Love you…”
Hitori pulled her in even closer, finding a comfortable position on the couch and accepting her fate as she felt herself managing to drift off as well.
Her soft… warm… fate.
“Love you too…”
Nijika stared at the two lumps of cuddling flesh with scrutiny, the oversized white shirt she woke up in hitching up as she stretched. Even through a yawn, her eyes never left her two little insomniacs.
Kita came up from behind her, snaking her arms around her and squeezing as she rested her heavy head against her.
“Hey, look on the bright side,” Ikuyo started with a giggle. “At least they're both wearing clothes this time!~”