Work Text:
kaeya: albedo i have a surprise for you..
albedo was painting a picture of some trees when kaeya said this to him.
albedo: what's the surprise kaeya..
kaeya: i signed you up for teyvatvision
albedo: YOU DID WHAT??
kaeya: i've heard you sing, you're so talented.. you need to show all of teyvat your beautiful singing voice
albedo: kaeya i am not a singer. i am an alchemist first, an artist second, and a singer ZERO.
kaeya: oh come on it'll be fun! it's being held in fontaine this year since lady furina won last year
albedo: again? isn't this like the 3rd time she's represented fontaine and won?
kaeya: yeah but she's a diva so i don't mind
lumine enters the room and sees kaeya and albedo talking
lumine: hi guys i'm visiting mondstadt for the day, what's up?
albedo: kaeya signed me up for teyvatvision against my will
lumine: teyvatvision? what's that?
kaeya: teyvatvision is only the most famous music contest in all of teyvat! each year a singer/band from each nation performs an original song! the winner gets a trophy and their nation gets to host the contest next year!
lumine: how many of these things have there been?
kaeya: the upcoming contest is the 69th one!
lumine: IT'S THAT OLD?
kaeya: yes my dear
lumine: how many times has each nation won?
kaeya pulls up a chart he was keeping in his pocket. according to the chart, these are how many times each nation has won:
mondstadt: 5
liyue: 14
inazuma: 8
sumeru: 7
fontaine: 15
natlan: 9
snezhnaya: 10
kaeya: nod krai doesn't participate because they aren't fully independent and are part of snezhnaya
lumine: wow fontaine's won so much! but.. monstadt's won the least.. that's sad
albedo: and i'm not going to change that because i'm not a good singer
kaeya and lumine: BULLSHIT
lumine: i've heard you singing to yourself you sound softer smoother than ice cream
albedo: *blushes*
albedo: ugh fine i guess i'll do this
kaeya: have fun babe <3
the day of the contest, albedo and lumine take a boat to the opera epiclesse in fontaine where the contest is being held. albedo heads backstage to where the other contestants are while lumine sits in the audience filled with excited teyvatvision fans from all over teyvat. lumine scans the audience for any of her friends and notices kuki shinobu sitting in the audience with her arms crossed. lumine sits next to her.
lumine: hi shinobu, what are you doing here?
shinobu: *sigh* itto and the gang are competing in the contest
lumine: why am i not surprised in the slightest
shinobu: i only came here to support my friends, i haven't really been a fan of teyvatvision in recent years, i can't believe they still let snezhnaya participate despite the.. y'know.. WAR CRIMES?!??
lumine: oh yeah i was wondering that
shinobu: they claim its because the contest is "non political" but i think it's just because the fatui would throw a fit if snezhnaya got kicked out
lumine: people in the audience around us are literally waving flags how the fuck is it not political
shinobu: idfk lets just enjoy the show
the lights dim and music starts to play. lyney and lynette step onto the stage.
lyney: good evening everyone and welcome to the 69th annual teyvatvision song contest!
audience: YEAHHHH WOOOOO
lynette: we'll be your hosts for this evening. we were originally going to be hosted by charlotte from the steambird but she lost her voice :( i just recovered from losing mine too.. i think there's a voice loss epidemic going around..
lyney: but let's not focus on the negatives! we have a great show for you guys tonight with great songs and talented performers from all over teyvat! without further ado.. let the teyvatvision song contest begin!
the contestants start walking onto the stage one by one, waving their flags.
lyney: represnting liyue, YUN JIN!!
yun jin happily waves
lynette: representing inazuma is THE ARATAKI GANG!!
itto and his gang run onto the stage cheering. one of the gang members is crying.
shinobu: they're so getting dead last.
lyney: representing sumeru we have CYNO PURBIRUNI (google said that was his last name idk if its correct) AND TIGHNARI FOXTAIL!!
cyno walks onstage holding a tiny sumeru flag. tighnari is next to him and is waving to the audience.
lynette: representing fontaine is none other than 3 time teyvatvision winner FURINA DE FONTAINE!!
furina runs onstage giggling and blowing kisses to the audience. the audience roars with pure adoration for her.
lumine: WE LOVE YOU FURINA!!
lyney: representing natlan is XILONEN BARAKA!!
xilonen SKATES onstage and makes a peace sign
lynette: representing *sigh* snezhnaya is NUMBER 11TH OF THE FATUI HARBINGERS AJAX TARTAGLIA CHILDE!!
childe struts across the stage and says "hey girlie hold still"
lumine: WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE
lyney: and finally.. representing mondstadt is ALBEDO KRIEDPRINZ!!
albedo shyly walks onstage and is visibly sweating. he looks like hes on the verge of tears..
the introduction to the contestants concludes and the stage starts getting prepped for the first act. after the curtain opens again, yun jin is standing onstage in an extravagant liyuean opera costume.
yun jin: good evening everyone, i hope you enjoy my performance!
yun jin sings her opera song and the audience is left speechless by her magical voice. some people in the audience start crying including lumine, and you can hear itto crying backstage. just as yun jin is about to reach the climax of the song, the music abruptly cuts off.
lynette: sorry, we have limited time so songs have to be 3 minutes max.
the next to perform are itto and the gang. they run onstage shirtless covered in body glitter and wearing booty shorts.
lumine: IS THAT ALLOWED?? I CAN SEE ITTOS ASS CHEEKS
shinobu is too busy dying of cringe to respond to lumine
itto: ♪WE ARE THE UNSTOPPABLE ARATAKI GANG AND WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER♪
gang members: ♪WE BATTLE BEETLES EVERY DAY AND ONLY EAT MEAT IF ITS TENDER♪
itto and gang: ♪NOTHING WILL BRING US DOWN NOT EVEN AN EVIL CLOWN WE WILL WIN THE TEYVATVISION CROWN♪
the rest of the song is just 2 more minutes of.. that.
shinobu is shaking her head.
the stage is then set up with a piano. tighnari and cyno walk onstage in suits. tighnari sits down at the piano and begins to play it as cyno sings.
cyno: ♪tigh.. you're so cool! and with my star we're gonna rule! tigh.. understand.. I'M GONNA LOVE YA TILL THE VERY END! nari nari nari nari nari nari nari nari nari nari IIIII LOVEEEE YOUUUU!!! NARI!! NARI!!!! NAAARRRRIIIII!!!!♪
tighnari is confused as those aren't the original lyrics of the song.. did cyno just confess his love for him live on stage??
the audience cheers and someone throws popcorn. someone screams "IM FUJOING TF OUT RN!!"
next up is the one and only miss furina de fontaine.. she's wearing a gorgeous and extravagant outfit fit for a queen. the audience is already cheering. she clears her throat and begins her song.
furina: *insert the lyrics of her character trailer song here idk french*
the audience goes berserk. people are crying. a couple makes out. shinobu plugs her ears. lumine is crying and clapping. a group of 20 people hold up a banner that says "WE LOVE YOU FURINA!!"
up next is xilonen. she has a dj table set up and starts her rap.
xilonen: ♪WITH EVERY STEP I TAKE AND EVERY MOVE I MAKE♪
she continues to perform her song and when it's over she gets a good amount of applause minus one person in the back wearing a blue bird outfit who yells "NATLAN SUCKS"
a sense of dread fills the air as it's time for the snezhnayan entry. childe walks onstage and is instantly booed. he blows kisses to the audience
childe: ♪THERE LIVED A CERTAIN MAN IN SNEZHNAYA LONG AGO♪
lumine: not this..
childe: ♪TAR TAR TAGLIA LOVER OF SNEZHNAYAN QUEEN THERE WAS A CAT THAT REALLY WAS GONE! TAR TAR TAGLIA SNEZHNAYAS GREATEST LOVE MACHINE♪
the audience boos and someone throws a hydro slime at childe. it hits him in the nuts and he starts jumping around the stage in pain while the audience laughs.
after the chaos it's finally time for albedo to perform. he nervously steps onstage in a costume kaeya bought for him. he's silent.
lumine: oh no did the voice loss outbreak get to him too??
albedo continues to stand still and eventually takes a deep breath. he begins to sing.
a beautiful sound fills the ears of everyone in the room as they are blessed with the ethereal voice of the chalk prince. words cannot describe how incredible his singing is. people start crying again, including the other contestants backstage. albedo finishes his song and says "sorry i know i wasn't that good" and runs offstage as the audience is left speechless.
lyney and lynette return to the stage.
lyney: wow we had so many great performances tonight! it's time for everyone to vote for the winner!
lynette: each vote costs 200 mora. please vote fairly.
about 10 minutes later the votes have been counted. the contestants all line up on the stage, all clearly nervous.
lyney: we have a special guest to announce the results! please welcome chief justice neuvillette!
neuvillette elegantly walks onstage.
neuvillette: i'll take it from here. good evening people of fontaine and beyond. it is time for me to announce the final results of the contest. in last place is..... the arataki gang of inazuma.
itto: OH COME ON WE WORKED REALLY HARD ON THAT PERFORMANCE YALL CANT APPRECIATE GOOD ART
neuvillette: coming in 6th place is yun jin of liyue.
yun jin: it's ok, i still had fun performing even though my song got cut off
neuvillette: in 5th place is xilonen baraka of natlan!
xilonen: cool
neuvillette: in 4th place is cyno purbiruni and tighnari foxtail of sumeru!
cyno: I LOVE YOU TIGHNARI
tighnari *sigh* i love you too cyno
neuvillette: in 3rd place is our very own furina de fontaine of fontaine!
furina: EXCUSE ME? THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! THE PAST 3 TIMES I HAVE PARTICIPATED IN THIS EVENT I WON EACH TIME! I AM THE FURINA DE FONTAINE! THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS! I DEMAND THAT THE VOTES BE RECOUNTED THIS INSTANT!
*furina keeps yelling in the background as neuvillette continues*
neuvillette: 2 entries remain. tartaglia of snezhnaya and albedo of mondstadt..
the audience gets angry.
lumine: how the fuck did this happen! everyone booed childe!!
shinobu: the fatui probably rigged it
everyone in the audience is cheering "ALBEDO" and "MONDSTADT" at the top of their lungs.
neuvillette: the winner of the teyvat vision song contest is..
audience: ALBEDO ALBEDO ALBEDO ALBEDO
neuvillette: albedo kriedprinz of mondstadt!!
the audience goes crazy and celebrates. everyone throws their snacks and flags and dances around while albedo is onstage shaking as he's given the trophy. childe is seen sulking in a corner.
albedo: i- i would like to thank my boyfriend kaeya.. he's the one that signed me up for this thing.. i wouldnt be here without him
shinobu: i'm just glad childe didnt win
lumine: wait if albedo won that means mondstadt is hosting next year they don't have a proper theater where the fuck are they gonna host the thing..
lyney: so uh is anyone else concerned about the voice loss outbreak
furina: *still having a crashout*
THE END♪