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On the road it wasn’t uncommon for Jay and Tim to be so close. They shared a room, even had to share a bed a few times. But there was always something awkward about having to share a room after countless fights. A tenseness to the air that neither of them could shake off. It clung close to every shaky, disoriented breath. Wading through the tension, the anger you could feel coming off of them would’ve felt like wading through a pool of honey.
Tim’s anger tended to stick around like a song you couldn’t get out of your head. And Jay knew that, he knew that pretty damn well, actually. Jay had been punched in the face before because of his past actions. That punch was well deserved, given his actions, but it was an example of Tim’s rage. It boiled up until it spilled down the sides of the pot and Tim took his anger out on something all over again. Jay wasn’t scared of Tim for this, he understood why his travel mate did it. Tim had a rough childhood and Jay forcibly brought it back up. He could scream in Jay’s face as many times as he needed as long as they stayed together.
Jay shuffled across the motel room they were sharing, sitting on the foot of the bed as Tim laid in the bed they shared. Of course, he wouldn’t want to pressure Tim into talking about the fight they had, which usually led to it coming back worse. But if Tim wanted to bring Jay closer, maybe it’d be fine. Like trying to pet a cat, in the way it needs to come to you so you don’t get scratched. Tim reminded Jay of a cat in plenty of ways, honestly. It was one of plenty of small parallels the brunette could bring up.
“You just gonna sit there?” Tim asks, voice rough. His voice was always rough when he started talking after a long moment of silence. It scratched a part of Jay’s brain he didn’t really want to think about, honestly. “If you wanna talk say something, and if you don’t can you at least come over here, all this empty space is fucking with my head.”
Jay turned to look at his other, an embarrassed expression plastered on his face. He couldn’t exactly hate Tim talking to him like that, but it made his face burn and his ears turn red. Jay scoffs, rolling his eyes and turning away.
“Even if I did want to talk, I don’t now.” Jay mutters under his breath, groaning. He always did something like this. They could already be done, no more tensity, no more arguing, but Jay had to push it further. It was almost like he wanted to be screamed at, pushed around. If Tim didn’t know him any better, he’d think Jay was getting a kick out of this. “Don’t use that tone with me.”
Tim groans, gritting his teeth at the idiotic camera-obsessed guy that pushed him headfirst into this stupid search for some old “friend” he couldn’t give a damn about. He crosses his arms, settling down before exhaling deeply. He didn’t want to drag this out again. Last time they ended up having a screaming match into the deep of the night and nearly got kicked out of the motel. He nudges Jay with his foot, who turns back with an upset look on his face before it softens.
“Get your ass over here before I get you over here myself,” He groans, nudging Jay again. “I’ll wrestle your stubborn self over here, now come on dummy.”
Jay grumbles, a low, annoyed noise. He climbs onto the bed, sitting next to where Tim was lying down and crossing his arms. He looks down at the rougher man, a confused look on his face. He didn’t get the want to have Jay so close to him. And knowing him, it was probably something nice, something to calm his nerves. Tim knew how bad his nerves could get, they’ve both seen each other at their worst. But something in this felt different. Like somehow, deep down under there, Tim just wanted to be close to Jay. Close the uncomfortable distance between them. That didn’t feel right in Jay’s head, but maybe it was true.
No, it couldn’t be.
Tim had shown his distaste when it came to Jay plenty of times. The amount of times they made each other angry, angry enough to spit and yell and throw punches. But they came crawling back to each other after everything. Maybe, just maybe, Tim didn’t completely hate him. But he definitely didn’t like Jay as much as he liked him. He couldn’t.
“So, what’s the plan for tomorrow?” Tim asks quietly, smiling at Jay awkwardly. “More of that wild goose chase, or are we taking a break day?”
Jay fidgets around a little, tugging at his shirt as he thinks. It’d probably be best for the both of them just to take a break day. It’d been a few weeks since the last time they had one, anyways. And that definitely wasn’t helping all the stress put on the both of them, especially when they were being stalked and hunted down by not only one person, but three. Staying put wasn’t the best idea, but they couldn’t afford the stress that another travel day was going to add onto what they were already barely handling. Jay smiles a little, voice hoarse as he responds.
“I think a break’s a good idea,” Jay mutters out, green eyes shakily looking over his friend’s expression to check for a reaction. “Long as you’re fine with that, y’know?”
Tim chuckles a little, the first genuine smile all day. He looks at Jay, nodding softly.
“If I wasn’t fine with whatever you answered, why in God’s name would I be asking?” Tim questions, raising an eyebrow softly at Jay. In reality, he usually asked plenty of rhetorical questions. He knew that as well as the other did, but usually a rhetorical question didn’t give a genuine question. Obviously Tim wanted an actual input, no judgement. He nods a bit. “Then we’ll take a break tomorrow, alright?"
Jay’s eyes widen a little before softening calmly. He nods softly, bringing his knees up to his chest while losing himself in thought again. With the two of them on the move, Jay wound up getting lost in thought all too quickly. Thinking about what could be, what his old friends would think about him now, how badly he missed his home. How Alex could find them at any point and shove a gun in his face all over again. For being raised in the South, you’d think Jay would be a lot more adjusted to having guns near him, but now they just sent a fight or flight response through his nerves. He groans, looking at Tim who was staring at him.
Fuck, Tim probably thought he was so weird. He was probably staring into the distance again. Jay could feel his face heating up, he wanted to smash his head through a wall just thinking about how embarrassing he probably was. How obvious it was that he was thinking about something. What does Tim even think? He probably thinks Jay’s schizo, weird for spacing out all the time. Probably thought there was something wrong with him like everyone did.
Tim was still staring, and Jay could tell he was thinking something, but he didn’t know what. That really made him feel uneasy. He didn’t like not knowing what was going through someone’s head. It made him freak out, even if that was unreasonable. But having things be predictable was a needed part of his life, even in such an unpredictable environment like being on the run. He dragged a hand down his face, covering his eyes before stretching out on the bed.
“You alright, sugar?” Tim asks, and there’s that stupid pet name again. The one that made his stomach do flips. “You started staring off again, you’re making me worried.”
Why the hell was he worried? He was almost never worried about Jay, why would he care now? Jay stares at him, eyes shakily scanning over his body language. Tim turned towards him, watching intently for when he spoke up. It made Jay uncomfortable in a ‘what’s going on’ kind of way. Sure, he didn’t absolutely hate it, but it didn’t feel right in a way. He groans, nodding again in response to Tim. He shouldn’t be worried about Jay.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Jay sniffles a little, rubbing his nose. His allergies were getting to him again. “Don’t get why you’re worried enough to ask, not like you care. You haven’t asked before anyways.”
Tim’s eyes narrow at Jay before he huffs a little. Maybe he was just always like this, irritable and trying to get on Tim’s nerves. Tim probably thought so, that Jay was just trying to piss him off and get a rise out of him. Of course he reacted aggressively, something was wrong with Jay.
“Maybe because we just fought and you’re spacing out on me again?” Tim pushes back, eyebrows furrowing as he talks. He looked pissed off already. “I have a right to be worried about the guy I’ve spent over a year seeing everyday. Or do you just not want me to care?”
“Maybe you shouldn’t care,” Jay retorts, frowning. “There’s nothing important about me, nothing’s wrong with me.”
Tim looks offended at that last comment. As if that was saying there was something wrong with him in return. He exhales heavily, shaking his head a little. Tim knew better than to keep pushing until a fight started again. Fighting never got them anywhere because they were both stubborn in their ways.
“There’s nothing wrong with you then, if you’re so sure.” Tim looks away, turning his body back away from Jay’s direction. “Don’t get all upset with me.”
Jay grumbles, breathing out heavily before nodding again. Fine, he wasn’t going to get all upset or something. He wanted to argue, maybe. Maybe he just wanted that energy between them, it made them talk at least. Made him feel like he actually knew Tim.
“Yeah whatever,” He starts, frowning softly. “Sorry.”
Tim nods, scooting closer to Jay, close enough that his arm is touching Jay’s hand. He’s warm, a lot warmer than Jay is. It was a sharp contrast, but one Jay wanted to melt into like butter on a hot pan, it was comfortable, a sort of comfort he hadn’t felt in a while. One he needed right now, more than ever before. But he couldn’t just ask, right? Asking for that kind of comfort, to lean into Tim’s touch just like he wanted, no needed, to. That was weird. Tim wouldn’t want to.
Jay groans a little, stomach churning like it was doing flips. He was going to make himself sick thinking about it. It made him nervous, especially when he thought over how if he asked Tim he knew he’d be told no. Told he was a freak just like Alex always did. Why couldn’t he be normal, not want to be so close to his friend?
Tim closes his eyes, smiling a little in silence. He adjusts a little on the bed, somehow getting even closer, almost deliberately closer, to Jay. And out of shock, Jay pulls his arm away, a little too roughly before sitting straight up. Tim looks up at him, a soft, upset look on his face. Eyebrows making his skin fold, an obvious sign he wasn’t happy with Jay pulling away for whatever reason.
“You’re being weird,” Jay mumbles, watching as Tim's reaction settles in. He looks even more upset because Jay had to fuck everything up, just like he always did. “You don’t usually want to be this close.”
Tim narrows his eyes before huffing and turning away from Jay.
“You’re being an asshole, you know,” He groans, sleepily. “You couldn’t take a hint to save your life, could you?”
Jay scoffs, face contorting softly as he stammers out excuses.
“It’s not my fault you’re acting so differently, you never act like this.” Jay spits back, turning away from Tim in his frustration. “You should just leave me be, I don’t need you staying around me anymore. I’m probably just dragging you down, huh.”
“Maybe you are.” Tim scoffs in return, stumbling over his words. “Notice how I haven’t left, though? You ever ask why I haven’t? No, you don’t. You wouldn’t even give a shit if I did tell you, you’re too wrapped up in blaming everyone else for the situation you put us in.”
Tim was right, Jay had spent almost the entire time that they traveled together on everyone but himself. It was all his fault that Tim was even in this situation, but he shifted it all to the Hooded thing and the Eldritch horror stalking them. To the stress Alex put on him, on a need to know more about what was happening. But deep down he knew Tim was right because Jay forced him out of his home, forced him straight into harm’s way.
“Then why don’t you just tell me, you dick.” Jay turns back to look at the other. “Tell me why you haven’t just abandoned me like everyone did before you. Tell me why it makes you such a great person just because you haven’t left.”
“I haven’t left because I care about you, dipshit!” Tim exclaims, voice cracking as he got more and more upset. “Because I love you and I thought maybe if I stuck around long enough you’d stop being so oblivious to it and just say you love me back!”
Jay stares at him with wide eyes, jaw dropped.
“You… what?” He barely gets out, watching over Tim in confusion.
Tim looks away from Jay, embarrassed and over with talking. He really didn’t want to keep going on about his feelings, especially now. Maybe confessing his feelings in the middle of an argument was stupid. He probably made a fool of himself, showing he actually cared. Cared after all of the hitting and screaming. Something was genuinely wrong with him. He constantly hurt people he loved deeply.
“Nevermind.” He responds, putting his face in his hands. “You’re not into me, it’s fine.”
Jay frowns, eyebrows furrowing, making his nose scrunch up at the bridge. He grumbles a little, scooting back towards Tim and placing his hand on his arm. Jay did care. He was really, really into Tim. And knowing that he felt the same way made him a little more comfortable in the idea that maybe he really did love Tim.
“I love you too.” Jay mutters, scratching his arm. Tim uncovers his face, looking back at Jay with a soft, red-tinted look. “I didn’t say anything because I thought you hated me for this whole situation we’re in. I thought you wouldn’t like me back because I fucked up your life.”
Jay frowns, eyes welling up with tears. He rubs her eyes softly, feeling her nose start to run as he fights back the want to sob into Tim’s arms. Tim didn’t hate him, he loved him. All the fighting wasn’t because he hated Jay.
“Why would I hate you for that?” Tim asks, rhetorically. He always did that, huh. “You got me out of the house at least, right? Being in Tuscaloosa just meant I did the same things everyday. I didn’t do anything back home. You made life interesting, at least. Traumatic, sure, but still interesting.”
Jay sniffles, eyelids feeling like they’re being weighed down by paperweights. He forces himself further into that desperate attempt not to cry because he’s barely holding it together. Tim hadn’t seen him cry before. Distressed yelling maybe, but not a full on sobbing mess. His lip trembles and his breaths feel heavier and heavier as they slowly speed up, a whining, shrieking voice in the back of his head just trying to get him to let it out.
He felt like a kid again, desperately trying to hold his tears back while getting frustrated at a piece of schoolwork he couldn’t understand. Dad always said it’d get him into those special classes where they call you different, but it’s supposed to make you feel good. He didn’t want to cry, to be called different when the guys at school already thought he was weird. Jay was normal, he wasn’t weird or different or special. He didn’t want to be special. He wanted to be normal, because that’s what he was.
Jay’s eyes burn as his chest heaves and he finally blinks, tears streaming down his face. He was already turning pink in the face and he could see Tim’s concern out of the corner of his eye. He didn’t want to be called special. He was normal. Tim shouldn’t have to look at him like that because there was nothing to actually worry about. There was nothing special about Jay.
“C’mere…” Tim whispers, sitting up and pulling Jay into his chest, soft from the weight that clung to it. The fat that made him look so comfortable to lie on, thoughts that swam through Jay’s head. He smelt like smoke and dirt, but in that cologne kind of way. Neither of them had showered since patrolling the woods during the day, and Tim smelled of sweat. Not the kind that makes you wince and turn your nose away, but the kind that drew you closer. Jay breathed it in like he was addicted to it, smiling softly as tears quietly streamed down his cheeks.
Tim could feel Jay’s tears landing on his shirt, and he couldn’t care less. He took deep, steady breaths in an attempt to calm Jay’s. He brushes his hand through the other’s hair, scratching softly at his scalp to soothe him. Maybe they were both a little like cats, that’s what Jay would say now. Tim chuckles a little, smiling softly. A gentle, calm look on his face.
“I’d never hate you for something you thought was right,” Tim coos softly. “This whole situation’s fucking you up, I get it. I’ve been through it before.”
Jay sniffles, drawing in a deep breath as he catches her breath, sobs slowly dying down into quiet tears. He hugs Tim softly, unsure what to do. He wanted to talk, but talking means he’d start sobbing again and make a fool of himself.
“Thank you…” Jay mutters, softly trailing off as he needs to settle his breath again. “You mean so much to me, bubba. I can’t tell you it enough. As much as I want to.”
His big, green eyes scan over Tim. He’s looking at him, lovely chocolate brown looking back at him. He really looked great all the time, that was clicking for Jay. He was so handsome, maybe that was why Jay couldn’t get him out of his head. He reaches a hand to the brunette’s cheek, smiling a little, softly brushing his thumb against his other’s cheek.
“You don’t need to tell me, I know,” Tim responds quietly. “You’re alright, Sugar.”
He holds Jay closer to him, bringing him back into that smell that wouldn’t leave Jay’s head. Tim just smelled good, even covered in sweat. Maybe it was something he was wearing that masked it, or maybe Jay just liked how Tim naturally smelled, but either way it refused to stop invading his thoughts as he breathed in.
“Mhmm,” Jay hummed softly, taking another deep breath in as Tim’s hand trailed to his back. The raven-haired man scratched at Jay’s back, making his skin tingle to the touch as he leaned into it instinctively. He really missed this, this kind of romantic intimacy that clung to his thoughts like Silly Putty that had melted into the carpet long ago. His mind was trying to do the same thing, melt like the Silly Putty and become an uncleanable mess. It all sounded so wrong but he really meant it, not everything was like that, supposed to be wrong. The comfort made him want to lean desperately into Tim’s soft touch because it had been years since Jay had felt it.
“I love you, Tim.” He mumbles absentmindedly, smiling softly as his eyes fluttered closed.
Tim chuckles a little, smiling wider. A strong smile, like it took over his muscles and pulled itself across his cheeks on its own. He kisses Jay on the head, holding there for a moment before going back to softly scratching at his back.
“Love you too, hon,” Tim coos back. He couldn’t help himself, letting his voice trail off to follow his train of thought. Soft voice delving into his higher, groaning tone. Both were comforting to Jay, but the difference made him want to giggle a little. It was a bit jarring sometimes.
Jay rests his head into the other’s chest, smiling softly as he takes a deep breath in and exhaling it right back out, loudly. Tim was his comfort, made him feel like he was at home. Maybe he knew that for a while, but it really clicked in Jay’s head at the moment. He never wanted to leave this, Tim’s gentle, warm hold that made Jay’s mind wander into what could be when they finished everything up. When they’d be able to find a place to call home after it all.
His green eyes open back up slowly, staring at Tim in wonder again. He had to be perfect, Jay couldn't bear to pull his eyes away from him. His soft face, the roughness of his sideburns and eyebrows, to his beautiful eyes and smile. Maybe Jay really was obsessed with him.
“You’re staring again,” Tim teases softly. “Sweet talk to me, Sugar.”
Jay blushes softly, smiling at Tim. He didn't even know where to start, he had so much to say about Tim that he adored. That maybe was turning into definitely obsessed. But when you love someone like that, maybe obsession wasn't that bad.
“You really just make the world better by being here,” Jay starts. “You just like… You make all of this worth it, y’know? You make me want to get out of bed, even when it takes dragging me out of it to do it just because I see you? I get to talk to you and everything?”
Tim’s staring at him, eyes wide yet his expression is softened. It’s a loving stare, like he’s amazed Jay was even able to form the sentences, let alone say them out loud. It got to his head though, Jay was starting to think that Tim thought he was talking too much.
“Sorry that’s probably like, hella cheesy, huh?” Jay asks, stammering a little. He covers his mouth, looking at Tim for a second before his eyes stutter away out of embarrassment. Speaking on his feelings was difficult when he was this vulnerable and he hated it. He despised the weird looks he always got, every time he felt like he said too much.
Tim chuckles breathily, sighing and shaking his head as he holds Jay’s face. He kisses Jay’s forehead, a soft, wet kiss laid upon it. It was confusing and yet comforting. Jay didn’t know how or what to feel when it came down to it.
“No, it was sweet.” Tim mutters, brushing his fingers through the other’s hair. “You talked from the heart, right? That means a lot to me, y’know.”
Jay smiles softly, nodding along with Tim’s words softly. They calmed him, brought his boil back down to a simmer as he realized everything was alright. Nothing happened, Tim hadn’t even said anything and Jay convinced himself that there was a non-existent problem staring at him like a deer in headlights. Really, that’s exactly what Jay felt like. A deer in headlights just awaiting the car to hit it, unable to run out of the way and preserve itself.
He shakes his head a little, sniffling to keep his nose from running. The worst part of crying was dry, puffy eyes and a runny nose. Jay rubs his eye a little, taking in the feeling of Tim’s hand in his hair, brushing against his scalp. It was so calming, and brought him back to his senses when he started drifting off on another train of thought.
“Guess you’re right, yeah.” Jay responds. He pulls a bit of a face as he thinks, lips pursed together in attempts to keep a neutral face. “You’ve kept me alive through this, you know. Your smile, the times you had to drag me out of our motel bed because I refused to get up that morning. You keep me going, stop me from just giving in and letting Alex or that thing take me out.”
Tim nods along, listening quietly. His hands brush against Jay’s face softly, unable to sit still through the constant anxiety they shared. Jay understood it, he knew Tim was listening.
“I couldn’t imagine myself getting this far without you, getting this far without Masque fighting back for me when I got myself in danger,” Jay sighs.
“You really sound poetic when you say it like that.” Tim comments, kissing Jay on the head again. And Jay couldn’t help but realize they hadn’t kissed.
Were they even going to? Was Jay allowed to ask? They weren’t exactly officially dating, since they didn’t label it. Would asking to kiss be too much? He almost hoped Tim could just read his thoughts and they’d kiss without him asking. Without the awkward exchange of a first kiss.
Jay hadn’t kissed anyone since college, actually. With the last person being Alex, he didn’t exactly think fondly of those memories now. Alex was different from what he showed he was like in college. He was violent. He decided that killing everyone they knew was the only solution. Jay never would’ve even talked to Alex again if he knew that’s what his ex-boyfriend was like. He should’ve known since Alex dumped him and moved schools.
“Yeah, thanks,” Jay mumbles. He sits up a little, leaning closer to Tim.
And slowly, Jay was realizing he didn’t have any idea how to initiate a kiss anymore. Sure, a kiss was simple. You pressed your lips against someone else’s and sparks flew or whatever cheesy thoughts and descriptions you wanted to label it with. The intricacies of getting to the point where you can just do that, the simplest act with so much thought, that was the hard part. Jay knew how to kiss someone, he’d done it plenty of times. But a first kiss with someone had only happened once, and that was with Alex. Jay hadn’t even initiated that kiss, he was too nervous to. His moves towards romance came out stuttered and clunky.
He takes a deep breath in before placing his hand on Tim’s cheek and looking him in the eyes. Green eyes lost within Tim’s deep brown ones, like a pool of chocolate. He leaned in close, letting their lips brush against the other’s and breathing softly. Waiting for one of them to break the distance. Each breath becomes shorter and shorter, like a desperate attempt to keep breathing instead of holding their breath.
Tim closes the distance, pulling Jay closer. Their lips touch, the once tough and chapped feeling fading away into soft kisses. Short breaths become longer, held until their chests are going to burst and they break the kiss.
The kiss doesn’t stay broken for long, resulting in another, and another. With each kiss, the love could be felt in it more and more. The first was a mess, scattered lines trying to make a singular shape. The second was better, smooth feelings becoming one. The third, fourth, and fifth were perfect. Nothing could make the moment better, besides maybe being in one of their homes. Away from the goose chase.
Tim leans back, and the two break into soft giggles. Their faces were flush, ears burning from the nervousness and excitement of the moment. Jay had barely realized he was dragged into Tim’s lap between kisses, a better angle to help the clunkiness of the first kiss.
“This is about to sound so rude,” Tim starts. “Can you get off so I can shower?”
Jay smiles, laughing a little more at the question before leaning back to sit up on his own, back out of Tim’s lap. His eyes still felt puffy from crying mere minutes before, but he couldn’t care less right now. He finally found a time, albeit a little awkward, to say what he was thinking. Say it without it starting a fight again. That was good enough for him, really.
“I love you, sugar.” Tim says, smiling wide. He pulls Jay into a hug, strong and comforting. Everything about Tim was like that. Strong, protective. He used his strength to show others they should be comfortable around him rather than turn away in fear. He only needed to push others away when they were invading his space. Though, the two were long past that now, sharing motel rooms for over a year.
“I love you too, bubba.” Jay responds, kissing Tim again, softly. “Now go shower, you smell like sweat and dirt. I’ll go after you finish up.”
Tim nods in response, climbing off of the bed to undo his belt and set it to the side.
“Long as you’re alright with a wet towel,” Tim jokes. He smiles before undoing his button-up as well, setting it aside to wash the next day. Breaks always meant that clothes were getting cleaned and packed back away.
“I’ve dealt with worse, I guess,” Jay responds. He chuckles a little. “Do you want me to grab us some food from across the road? It’s a cheap diner, I can probably get an omelet or some burgers. Whatever you’d like, it’s on me.”
Tim smiles, nodding again. He hadn’t been offered food in a while, even if he and Jay were on the road for a while together. They didn’t exactly have that much money to stretch outside of the basic money spent on motels.
“That’d be great.” Tim responds, leaning over the bed to kiss Jay on the head. “Call me when you get over there, I’ll stall a little ‘till you order, alright?”
Jay smiles and nods. He grabs his wallet and his cellphone, checking the battery. It was still fully charged from sitting on his dashboard all day. He checks his wallet for his room key before standing up. He walks to the door, laughing a little. It really wasn’t all that bad afterall, right?
“See you soon, babe.” Jay mutters as he walks out the door, off to get them food.