Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When they came for him, it seemed like an oddly timed joke.

His life as he knew it had ended that day in the darkly lit chambers of the Palace. War Trophy, Second Son, The Dissapointment.

It played on repeat in his head until it was all he could hear. Here on Thanos' rack, it seemed a better mantra than "Kill me, please." He was tired, defeated. He'd given up. So when the sound of thunder stirred him from his pain induced haze, all he could really do was laugh. He was still laughing weakly, coughing up blood when his once-brother's golden head appeared over him. He wanted to apologize, for the bifrost, for everything. But he was so tired, and the words in his head faded to a dull buzz as everything went black.

Life seemed to tip-toe around him, leaving him silent and alone with his noxious thoughts. An entire wing of the healing chambers had been cleared out for him, and he was confined there until further notice. Thor had come by several times, and every time he pretended to be sleeping. Some traitorous part of him whispered that Thor must still care, to come by so often. Another, more vicious part of him argued that it was pity, or guilt. He tried to ignore both of them and sleep.

When he awoke on the first day of his third week, the All-Father was sitting beside his bed.

"When you were a child you had this stuffed toy. Do you remember it? It was a green bilgesnipe with buttons for eyes." His father looked old; older than he had ever looked before, hunched and tired, with skin faded almost to the color of his white hair. He looked like a walking corpse, and Loki was shocked enough to not reprimand himself for still considering this man his father.

He nodded anyways. Odin's eyes crinkled at this, and he wasn't sure whether it was in a smile or pain. "You loved it. Carried it every where you went. Your mother once tried to take it from you to wash and you had a fit." the All-Father trailed off, looking into space as though he was watching it play out in front of him once more. Loki said nothing, and for what seemed like hours, they sat in silence together.

Finally, he gathered his courage. "I am sorry. For what that's worth." this drew Odin out of contemplation, as if he had forgotten Loki was still here.

He probably had, his venomous mind supplied  He said nothing more.

"You still carried that toy everywhere when I left for the battle in Vanaheim." his father continued, ignoring his apology completely.

"For some reason, that battle in particular left me cynical and world-weary. I fell into one of my deepest sleeps, but I think it was harder on you boys and your mother."

Loki could think of nothing to say to that. Had his father ever spoken to him of his feelings before? He could not remember a single instance. His heart pounded and his ribs ached, but still he said nothing.

Odin continued, "When I awoke, I found your toy by my side, with a note."

For the first time in the conversation he moved, reaching into his cloak for something. In his hand lay a worn cotton animal and a piece of parchment. He took them from his fathers calloused hands, shaking slightly.

"To Papa, get better soon!" the note read in his mothers handwriting. He supposed he hadn't been able to write at this age. The note continued "Bilgey will protect you! He is fierce and scary and he protects me so he will protect you too." Following this was a charcoal scribble he assumed must have been a drawing of the toy.

"You kept this."

It wasn't really a question, but his father nodded all the same.

"You were right, in a way, to think I've treated you and Thor differently. I have, though it may not have always been intentional. Thor is..." he trailed off.

Loki looked down and the toy and cleared his throat. "Honorable? Brave?"

"...a Fool, Loki."

At his sharp intake of breath, Odin continued. "Yes, he is honorable. Yes, he's always been rather fearless. I never doubted that he would be an honorable warrior, but he is a fool. He does not stop to think of the consequences of his actions, his ego won't allow it. He's never been skilled at sensing others distress; He lacks the introspection or self-awareness to do so."

At this he turned his one good eye to Loki, and Loki flushed scarlet and looked down at his hands.

"But you? You were brilliant from the first day I brought you home. You felt everything so keenly, not just your own griefs, but mine and your mother's. While I knew Thor would make a fine warrior, I had no doubt that whatever you would shine in any role you chose. I never fussed over you because I thought you didn't need it."

His voice broke here, and Loki watched as the only father figure he'd ever had scrubbed furiously at the tears forming in his eye. Some hysterical part of him wanted to laugh at the absurdity of King Odin of Asgard, the All-Father, ever weeping, but he felt frozen in place.

"It was my greatest mistake, Loki, and one I regret dearly. You were so wise from such a young age, I forgot that you were still a child. It never occurred to me you could not see how proud I was of you."

Loki couldn't breathe. His eyes swam with tears unshed. "Father, I-I'm so sorry" he choked this out between gasping breaths, and reached out a hand to his father and king, who clasped it tightly between his own.

"It was a mistake, I knew- I knew as soon as I did it I had made.. a-" He could barely speak between sobs and his father pulled him tightly to his chest.

The pain in his ribs flared up in protest, but he felt so removed from the present it hardly mattered.

"I know, son. I know. I'm sorry too. But we will fix this. All of this, we'll do it together."

The ache in his ribs burned, but his heart was lighter than it had been in ages. If everything worked out in the end, he supposed he might not mind being the second son after all.

Chapter Text

Loki managed to avoid Thor for two full weeks after returning to his rooms in the palace.

He'd asked the AllFather to keep his brother away, and whether out of a sense of love or one of lingering guilt for having caused this rift in the first place, his father had agreed. Those two weeks were spent in quiet contemplation, reading and sleeping.

Frigga visited every day for an hour at most, and though her smiles never wavered, Loki could feel her guilt and hesitation in her every movement. Odin came less frequently, likely doubting his presence would be welcome. This suited Loki just fine, as he still had no idea what to say to either of them. His meals were delivered to his rooms as the King ran damage control and public relations work, addressing the return of Asgard's lost prince. He never thought he'd ever come to resent solitude, but as the days passed he missed Thor more and more.

You're a coward, the nagging voice in his head whispered to him.

You won't see him because you're scared of what he'll say.  After all, you cant lose again what's already been lost to you.

At times like these, Loki's thoughts would drift back to Thor sitting vigil over his sickbed while he pretended to sleep. Clearly his brother still had SOME regard for him, right?

Pity. That's all that was. He would push these thoughts aside and open another book.

And so, after two weeks of silence and doubts, Loki awoke with a start to the sounds of yelling from the hall.

"RIDICULOUS," Thor's loud voice was booming "I HAVE WAITED LONG ENOUGH, FATHER. I WON'T BE KEPT AWAY ANY LONGER. HE'S MY-"

Loki pushed a pillow over his ears and sighed deeply.

You knew this was coming. It's time to face the music.

He got up slowly, bypassing conjuring his armor in favor of a green robe draped across the nearest chair. He unlocked the door to the sight of Odin physically blocking Thor's path to his rooms. They both turned to him, mouths agape.

"By the Norn, Thor, it is too early for this. Come inside if you must." He noted his fathers apologetic expression as he moved aside too let Thor through the door before shutting it behind them.

"Well?" Loki asked, tiredly once the silence had become deafening. "If you're here to kill me, you might as well get it over with."

Thor paled at this, "Kill you? Why would I- Brother, please, listen to me."

"I'm the monster, aren't I Thor? The one you've dedicated your life to slaying? Well, go on." He spread his arms lazily. "Have at it. Because I'm tired of being one."

To his complete astonishment, Loki watched as Thor's face crumpled and tears pooled in his eyes

"Don't say that, Loki, please." he begged. "Never say that. I am the true monster here."

Stifling a sob, Thor knelt before Loki, tilting his head up to bare his throat.

If Loki were asked what was the most unlikely thing that could ever happen, even if you gave him a thousand chances, he still would have never guessed this. This picture of submission seemed so unnatural, so out of place with the confidence Thor always exuded, that before he could even process it his arm shot out to pull him up off his knees.

"What are you doi-" he started, moving to grasp his brother's biceps but Thor grabbed his outstretched hand instead.

"No, let me talk, please brother. I have wronged you and I cannot let another day pass without begging your forgiveness. Valhalla knows I am not worthy of it, but I must try. I have been arrogant, cruel, power-hungry and dismissive of the one person who matters mosNt to me. I have belittled you and dismissed you in front of our friends and allies, and I am horrified that it took having you stolen from me to realize it."

At this, Thor seemed to sag, turning his gaze to the floor. He leaned into Loki's body, resting his head against Loki's side.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of. It is I who should be ashamed, of my previous beliefs and actions. Please, forgive me."

Loki stared, uncomprehending at this brothers golden head. His mind was an utter blank.

"You... huh." He petered out, unsure of what to say. Thor lifted his gaze to peer at him curiously, the tears still staining his cheeks. "You don't think I'm a monster? A coward?"

Hope is a dangerous thing, Lie-smith. You know this better than anyone.

"No! I was blinded by my arrogance and jealousy, and I will do anything to make this right to you."

"Wait, Jealousy?"

Thor nodded vigorously and clutched his hand a little tighter.

"What have YOU to be jealous of, oh Golden prince?"

"Your arts." he said simply. "Your intellect. The way you and father knew instinctively what to do and how to do it. And mother has always favored you, you know."

"What?" Loki asked, incredulously. "You cannot be serious."

Thor nodded somehow even more fiercely.

"It's true! You have these incredible gifts, it seemed the only way to be half as wonderful as you was through my hammer."

"I-" Loki, still not fully healed, swayed slighly on his feet. His heart pounded in his ears. This was too much.

An alarmed Thor shot up to steady him and guide him to a chair before kneeling by his side.

"Easy, Brother! I apologize, you are still not well and I have upset you. I'll-"

"Thor, stop." The blonde stilled beside him. They were silent for a long while, before Loki finally spoke up. "I never knew."

He took a deep breath. "Alright." he said, with finality.

Thor said nothing, but stared at him warily, as if afraid he'd be kicked out any moment.

"Alright?" the warrior finally ventured.

"Alright." Loki confirmed. "I'm tired, so if you plan to stay you might as well read to me."

A tentative grin broke out on the blonde's face, which the sorcerer finally met with one of his own.

They both knew they could never return exactly to what they once had, but maybe they could have something better.