Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The Adults

• Bob Parr (Mr. Incredible, Late-40s) – Tries hard to be a solid dad and husband, but ends up in “accidentally broke the dishwasher again” territory. Constantly at odds with modern parenting and technology.
  “Dash, stop putting forks in the toaster! We’ve talked about this!”

• Helen Parr (Elastigirl, Early 40s) – Cool-headed mom who balances family chaos like a champ. Secretly enjoys watching Bob flail before stepping in to fix things.

• Bill and Jill Andersen (Mid to Late 40s) – Classic sitcom neighbors. Jill is calm and emotionally intuitive. Bill is a well-meaning but dense dad who always pops over uninvited with a beer and a “funny story.”
  “So I told the squirrel, ‘Hey buddy, you’re in my garage now!’”

• Fergus Dunbroch (Early 50s) - King of his home and life, a modern reincarnation of the Scottish King and father of Merida

The Kids & Teens

Violet Parr (17) –

The eye of the storm. Smart, introverted, and always trying to stay out of the mess—whether it’s Jack-Jack phasing through the ceiling or Ercole being Ercole. Low-key crush on Tony, but Merida and Val are way too involved.

Jack-Jack Parr (2) –

The baby who’s a ticking timebomb. Powers are sort of suppressed, but chaos is never far when he's in the frame. Always crawling offscreen to cause offscreen mayhem.
Laugh track cue when something catches fire.

The Teen Friend Group:

Violet’s Crew:

• Val Ortiz (18) – Confident and flirty, usually the first to roast Ercole.
  “Vi, if Ercole hits on you again, I swear I’m setting him on fire.”

• Merida Dunbroch (18) – Doesn’t take crap from anyone. Brings Scottish fury to PTA meetings, paintball wars, and party planning.
  “Ye asked for snacks, so I brought venison jerky. Be grateful.”

• Tony Rydinger (19) – Chill, the straight man. Everyone likes him. Bob is suspicious.

• Ian Lightfoot (18) – Soft-spoken spell nerd. Gets roped into schemes but is the first to panic.

• Andy Davis (25) – College graduate. Still thinks he’s cool. Constantly getting roasted by Val.

• Barley Lightfoot (26) – Living embodiment of “Dungeons & Drama.” Hosts LARP nights and owns a replica sword he won't shut up about.

The Rowdy Boy Pack

• Dash Parr (12) – Mischievous speedster and middle school menace.

• Luca & Alberto (12-14) – Energetic and always getting into trouble. Think Kelso and Fez energy.

• Miguel Rivera (13) – Cool musician and surprisingly the moral center of the group.

• Elio Solis (11) – Enthusiastic dreamer, often floating (literally or mentally).

The Girl Gang

• Giulia Marcovaldo (13) – Witty and sporty. Competitive with Dash, flirty with Miguel.

• Riley Andersen (13) – Everygirl with emotional maturity beyond her years. Secretly writes fanfics about the friend group.

• Meilin Lee (13), Miriam Mendelsohn (14), Priya Mangal (13), Abby Park (13) –
  The 4★Townies. Obsessed with concerts, romantic subplots, and group selfies. Abby’s rage outbursts are sitcom gold.
  Abby: “ERCOLE, I WILL CRUSH YOUR SPINE.”

Ercole Visconti (27): The Wildcard

• A ridiculous, washed-up jock trying to reclaim glory. Banned from racing, he now lurks at the school trying to look cool.
  Constantly hitting on Violet, Val, and Merida with cringey lines:
  “Hey Vi, eighteen yet? You need a man with a Vespa, yeah?”
  He is always rebuffed, usually violently or comedically.

• Often tries mentoring the younger boys in “being cool,” which always backfires.
  “Dash, confidence is like hair gel. If you use too much, you scare the girls.”

Chapter Text

A Star Wars logo made of Legos hangs on the wall. The lights are dim. Blankets and snacks are scattered everywhere. The crew is assembled for a full Star Wars Saga Movie Marathon — in CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER.

• BARLEY, wearing a Jedi robe and dual-wielding lightsabers like Ahsoka.

• VIOLET, skeptical but here for Tony.

• TONY, leaning back, pretending he's above it all, but secretly engaged.

• RILEY, MEI, MIRIAM, GIULIA, and PRIYA already grabbing snacks and half-paying attention.

• MIGUEL, LUCA, and ELIO — the newcomers, wide-eyed and confused.

• IAN and ANDY nod knowingly.

• DASH keeps asking when the lightsaber fights happen.

Barley: We begin with Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Yes, the one with the podrace. And yes, we start here. Chronological order. The only correct order.

Watching the opening crawl

Miguel: Wait… who's the Trade Federation? Why does this look like a different show?

Some time later

Luca: Is that… a fish guy? Are we supposed to take him seriously?
Barley: You will respect Jar Jar Binks, or leave my basement
Elio: Why is this spaceship stuff all clean and shiny? I thought this was supposed to be old?
Miguel: I thought this was the past? Why does everything in the later movies look older?
Barley: That’s called "filmmaking evolution," my young padawans. The Prequels were made after the Originals, but set before. So it's like… a backward future, also this is pre-Empire screwing things up, that's why the original trilogy may look dirty but we'll get to those soon
Elio: I think I need to lie down...

1 movie later and onto Episode III

Riley: wow... I did not expect to see such a man fall big time, lose his limbs, get burned, and put into basically a mobile iron lung, and his wife dies
Priya: that's tragedy for you
Mei: but hey, at least the babies are fine, so there's A New Hope
Barley: OHHH SHE SAID IT, and that's the next one! coming up...

Onto Episode IV, The first notes of the classic theme blare. The grainy, 70s film texture fills the screen. The kids are now covered in snack crumbs. Elio is bundled in a blanket, confused but spiritually committed

Alberto: Wait, weren't these the same guys from the last three?
Barley: yep
Miguel: but they don't recognize anything
Barley: because George Lucas didn't plan that far ahead, also if you remembered in Episode III, Raymus Antilles erased 3PO's memory
Violet: Wow, storytelling consistency in the galaxy far, far away...
Tony: This is what happens when a franchise becomes a religion
Elio: Why does the desert look more sci-fi than the space palaces?
Barley: That, Elio… is called 1977 on a budget

All a sudden, Ercole shows up unnanounced

Violet: And here comes Italian Quagmire...
Ercole: Hey Vi....
Violet: No....
Tony: Keep your... eccentricities, to yourself Ercky, we got kids here
Ercole: oh, no worries, i'll keep it PG, or as I call it... Pussy Grade
Barley: it stands for PARENTAL GUIDANCE
Ercole: YOU'RE-A RUINING MY JOKE!
Andy: Your joke sucks more than a vaccum
Ercole: you're no fun...

clip from the movie showing Obi-Wan introducing himself, now older

Miriam: awww, no more of that Trainspotting guy
Barley: look on the bright side, he's now Sir Alec Guinness, pure Shakesperian talent, Lawrence of Arabia anyone? that be like Tom Holland... Pokemon evolving into Lawrence Olivier
Ian: exuse me?
Barley: not a knock on Tommy of course, just saying

another clip from the movie

Obi-Wan: He betrayed and murdered your father...

Mei: uhhh, no he didn't he is one and-
Barley: Shut it Panda, he'll explain his reasoning in Return of the Jedi

Later in the movie as Luke and Leia swing across the gap

Luca: wait, why did he kiss her? weren't they brother and sister? what kinda world is this?
Barley: yeah...... about that, Lucas didn't envision Leia as being Luke's sister when he made this, again, he didn't plan far ahead, that leads to another awkward moment in the next movie, it wouldn't be made clear until Return of the Jedi, early installment weirdness basically

Later, Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back, Now everyone’s fully invested. Even Tony is yelling during the AT-AT battle

Riley: okay, this one's good, like... so good
Barley: Irvin Kirshner, also Luke gets wrecked

Later durring the scenes of Han and Leia's romance

Ercole: Ohhhhhh, that's a nice one...

Suddenly 3PO in the movie shows up, blocking the whole affair

Ercole: AHHHHH, C'MON
Barley: this is not Ron Jeremy, dingus
Luca: Ron who?
Barley: ...pretend I did not say that

Later durring the duel with Vader

Abby: YOOOO HE LOST HIS HAND?
Giulia: from his dad no less
Barley: just when he is about to say it...

clip from the movie
Vader: No... I, am your father

Mei: no shit Sherlock, your father's the evilest man in the world and cut your hand off, and less we forget, he killed all those younglings
Barley: technically, Anakin ceased to be and became Darth Vader, so it's true... from a certain point of view, oh shoot, i'm jumping the gun...
Riley: Did you guys know this the whole time?!
Barley: Yes. But imagine watching it in 1980 and not knowing. That was a cultural event

Moving on to Episode VI - Return of the Jedi, the Jabba scenes, Lights are low. The kids are mid-marathon, deep into the Jabba scenes. Leia appears on screen in her iconic gold bikini. Everyone is quiet. Kinda awkward. Giulia shifts uncomfortably. Violet raises an eyebrow. Dash, Luca, and Miguel try not to react but clearly don’t know where to look, but Ercole is salivating

Barley: We do not comment. We simply respect the late Carrie Fisher
Tony: Historically significant. Cinematically iconic. And incredibly awkward for mixed company
Elio: Is she… okay?
Riley: That’s a complicated question
Barley: and Ercole, don't think of simping
Ercole: What? I’m just sayin’, Jabba’s got taste!
Mei: You’re about to get taste-slapped back to Portorosso
Priya: and not in the fun way
Miguel: Hey uh… does anyone else suddenly feel greasy?
Giulia: I do. I definitely do...

Later on durring the middle of the movie

clip from the movie

Luke: Leia… do you remember your mother? Your real mother?
The room goes quiet. Luca, Miguel, and Elio lean in
Leia: She died when I was very young...
Luke: Leia… you’re my sister

Giulia: WHOOP DE DOO
Mei: Leia’s face when she finds out should’ve been a jump scare
Barley: A kiss... born from spite, to make Han jealous! Lucas didn’t know yet!
Violet: Oh great, so the Force told them they were related after they made out. Nice
Dash: Dude kissed his own sister! Star Wars is wild
Barley: shrugs It was the '80s

After all that is over, The group is dazed. Some are in sleeping bags. Miguel stares at the ceiling. Elio is under three blankets.

Elio: Do you think Leia felt it when they kissed?
Luca: Or did the Force just block that memory out?
Barley: It’s called denial, boys. The strongest Force power of all
Ian: flips through a trivia book According to some EU material, Luke once had a crush on her before he knew
Tony: that's not helping
Alberto: uh, hey, wasn't there a sequel trilogy?
Barley: oh yeah... we kinda ran out of time for that, it was already late by the time Jedi finished... maybe another night... I don't know, i'm kinda conflicted about that era
Giulia: Where's Ercole?
Barley: We kicked him out for obvious reasons, too much simpiness

That day at the Emeryville Mall, Ercole struts in wearing his usual sleeveless vest and a self-satisfied smirk. He's humming the Star Wars theme — badly. The clerk, a goth girl with zero patience, barely looks up.

Ercole: Heyyy there, bellissima. I need something… legendary
Clerk: You’re looking for the “Jabba’s Slave Leia” costume, aren’t you?
Ercole: Ding ding ding! For, y’know… a friend. A lady friend. Very classy. Star Wars chic
Clerk: You're what's wrong with fandom
Ercole: Hey, it’s iconic! It's cinema. It’s... it’s history!... Imagine: candlelight, 4*Town on vinyl, a little Portorosso wine... and boom! She's Leia, I’m Han Solo. Or Jabba. Depends on the vibe
Clerk: You’re gonna die alone, a virgin
Ercole: Eh, maybe. But I’ll look cool doing it

Later that day at Barley's basement, a different movie night more for the young adults in the room, National Lampoon's Vacation series

Ercole: Guess what I got, ragazzi! Leia. Gold. Bikini. Size flexible. For the lucky lady who earns my heart
Violet: half glances from a George Perez Wonder Woman Omnibus taken from Barley's collection Ercole, literally no one wants to see you pull a Jabba move
Merida: yeh mean no one alive?
Val: You are the reason women don’t feel safe in local vespa shows
Barley: Ercole, Star Wars is about hope, not your hopeless fantasies
Tony: this belongs in the Sarlacc pit
Ercole: you guys take away all the fun, i'm going home, for someday that one girl will come and we'll do roleplay...

Ercole leaves, leaving the rest confused

Andy: ...should we stage an intervention?
Barley: actually, I'm curious to see where this goes, it might end hilariously...

Later that night in Ercole's home, he snores on a satin pillow on a heart shaped king sized bed and surrounded by products relfecting his swinger lifestyle and a whole shelf of Leisure Suit Larry games, clutching a lightsaber like it’s a body pillow. The gold bikini hangs in his closet like a trophy waiting to be claimed. The poster above his bed? Leia, full Jabba’s palace mode, with Ercole’s face taped over Han’s

Ercole: Yeah... fight for me, principessas… For the honor of my heart... or whatever…

Ercole dreams himself in a Jabba's Palace style private Arena, The room is steamy, dark and exotic. Spotlights swirl over stone walls draped in velvet. Alien jazz plays in the background. Ercole lounges on a throne of hover-scooter parts, smug and shirtless, wearing Mandalorian armor — but like, the budget Halloween kind

Ercole: Let the games begin…

Violet and Merida strut out, both wearing gold Leia-style costumes (clearly not enjoying it), glaring at each other

Merida: Ye cannae handle a wild lass like me, gel-boy!
Violet: I’m literally only here because dream-logic betrayed me

They lunge into a catfight straight out of From Russia With Love — dramatic slaps, flips, hair-pulling, the works. Dust kicks up. Alien crowd cheers. Chewbacca DJ in the back spins a remix of "The Arena" from Attack of the Clones

Ercole: sipping Blue Milk Yes... yesss... fight for meee...

Just as Violet pins Merida in a particularly awkward way... Ercole wakes up with a gasp, sweat-drenched and fully tangled in his sheets

Ercole: Noooooo... I was so close to a double princess victoryyy...

At the Infinity and Beyond Comic Book shop later that day, where Andy, Ian, Barley and Tony hang out, they are flipping through longboxes

Barley: I have a question about Batman... shows an issue of Detective Comics and Man-Bat Batman, is a man who dresses up like a bat, Man-Bat, is a part man part bat hybrid, now... if Man-Bat dressed up as a man to fight crime, would he be... Man-Batman?
Andy: looking at a comic's insides ...no, he be Batman-Bat
Ian: but wouldn't Man-Batman just be a Batman that was bitten by a radioactive Man?
Tony: But, Batman is a man, you're talking about a man who has the powers of a man, that's just... Manman
Barley: but isn't Manman just Man?
Andy: But what if Manman dressed as a Bat?
Ian: well that's just Batman
Andy: No, if a Man dresses as a Bat, that's Batman but if Manman dresses as a Bat, that's Batmanman
Tony: ...so does that answer your question?
Barley: ...the more I think about it, the more it makes my head spin more than assembling the Detective Comics and Batman issues in a comprehensive collection with all the collected editions and single issues out there...

Suddenly Ercole strolls in, sunglasses on, looking like he hasn’t recovered

Ercole: Yo. I had the most epic dream last night!
Barley: Lemme guess. You were the chosen one of the galaxy, everyone clapped, and your abs had abs?
Ercole: Close. Violet and Merida? In Leia bikinis? Catfighting in Jabba’s palace... Over me!
Tony: You’re everything wrong with Star Wars...
Ian: Do you even understand dream symbolism?
Ercole: Yeah! It symbolizes that I'm a catch, baby!
Barley: You're a catch... like a virus
Andy: Hey, new comic just dropped — Restraining Orders: Issue #1
Ercole: Ha ha ha, very funny...

Later at Ercole's home, he's typing away on his computer, with a credit card to boot, pressing "Commision"...

A couple of days later at the comic store, Ercole proudly scrolls on his phone, showing the gang his commissioned fan art of his “Leia bikini catfight” dream. Violet and Merida are tastefully (not really) illustrated grappling over him, while he poses on a throne in Mandalorian armor, flexing a bicep

Ercole: Eh? Eh? Not bad, right? The guy said it took eight hours to get Violet’s hair right
Tony: This is why DeviantArt has age warnings
Barley: This is why I drink blue milk with whiskey
Ian: Wait... did you post this online?
Ercole: Obviously! Art’s meant to be shared, my friends! Gotta let the people see what they’re missing...

Meanwhile at the Parr's home, Bob is reclining in his La-Z-Boy, watching a football game. He checks his notifications. One image later, he’s standing

Bob: HE DID WHAT NOW?

At the Dunbroch estate, King Fergus is using a tablet, clumsily navigating social media while chewing on a giant turkey leg. Suddenly, his eyes widen

Fergus: WHERE IS THIS PANTLESS LITTLE FERRET?!

At the comic shop, moments later, Ercole’s still showing off when the door SLAMS open. Bob Parr and King Fergus enter like a wrecking ball duo. Bob’s in his “I’m calm but I will end you” stance, and Fergus is already yelling in Scottish

Bob: Ercole. We need to talk...
Fergus: You wee goblin! Using my daughter in your sleezy space-fantasy filth!? I’ll hang your scooter from the ramparts!
Ercole: Wait-wait-wait—C'mon fellas, it’s just fan art! It’s not canon!
Bob: You put my daughter in a bikini next to your ego
Fergus: And made my Merida wrestle like some tavern wench! She’s got honor, you daft wee troll!
Barley: ohhh this is gonna be good
Tony: I’ve never felt safer in my life...

Outside the store, Ercole backs into an alleyway. Bob picks him up with one hand. Fergus pulls out his phone and snaps a picture of Ercole cowering

Fergus: YOU NEVER MESS WITH OUR DAUGHTERS AGAIN YA SEX FREAK
Ercole: Mama Mia, get a tic tac or something Braveheart
Bob: and we're gonna get the person who made this disaster as well!

Back in the comic book shop, Ercole sits with a black eye and busted lip

Ercole: Still worth it...
Violet: No it wasn't

Elsewhere in town, a middle aged man and toy enthusiast is sitting on his computer making arts commisioned to him, Al McWhiggin — older, fatter, and now wearing a stained “Buzz Lightyear Fan Club” shirt — is hunched over a Wacom tablet. Piles of toys, unopened collectibles, and at least three empty Slurpee cups litter the space. He’s putting the finishing touches on a furry comissioned art, suddenly his elderly Mom yells

Mom: Al, did you drink all the grape soda again?!
Al: IT’S FOR THE MUSE, MA!!

Outside his home however, Bob Parr, King Fergus, Barley, Tony, Violet, and Merida roll up like it’s a hit job in a Tarantino movie. Violet’s wearing sunglasses at night. Merida is twirling a bo staff. Fergus has his axe. Bob is cracking his knuckles like he's prepping to break the house in half

Bob: this is the address Ercole gave us
Tony: You sure it wasn't Mordor?
Merida: Let’s turn the creep into a low-res meme

Moments later, Al’s deep in rendering when a shadow casts over him. He turns. Standing behind him is Bob. Behind Bob is everybody else. His screen still shows the art — full-resolution, extra-sleazy, and now paused right on a close-up

Al: Uh... hey guys! You must be here for a commission! I also do OC x canon ships!
Fergus: You do not do my daughter in a golden leash, you bloated warlock
Violet: You took my face, my body, and my dignity, and drew it like I was a prize at a sci-fi car show
Al: But—but—freedom of expression!?
Bob: You express yourself in front of a court now
Barley: This is the only time I support violence against fan artists
Tony: Here's a comission, Print the apology in 600 dpi

Montage plays

• Al’s DeviantArt account gets nuked.

• A viral meme of Al’s shocked face with “YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG DADS” in big letters goes viral.

• He’s sentenced to 200 hours of fandom sensitivity training, run by Barley and Tony.

The squad is celebrating, pizza in hand. Violet and Merida clink soda cups. Bob and Fergus sit at a booth, very proud dads

Bob: You did good, Vi.
Fergus: I’ll nae let anyone draw my daughter in chains again. Next time? I bring the haggis
Violet: please don't...

END OF EPISODE

Chapter Text

Elio walks with Luca, Dash and Miguel, sharing theories about a sci-fi comic book he's been reading.

Elio: ...and then the astronauts realize the planet is a living organism, and the volcanoes are its zits—
Luca: Okay, that’s... kinda gross
Miguel: I’d rather talk about movies. Did you see The Muppet Movie yet?

They pass a group of older boys, including Caleb (yes, that kid from Elio), leaning against their bikes, laughing loudly.

Caleb: You kids and your cartoons. You wanna see real cinema? You haven’t lived until you’ve watched Antichrist. Or Salo
Elio: What’s Salo?
Caleb: Art
Luca: Dude. Don’t go with him
Miguel: Seriously. Anything with subtitles and screaming adults is not for your age group
Elio: I must, I gotta get to the bottom of this...
Dash: ...welp, he's gonna be traumatized for life

Meanwhile at the Parr's home, Bob Parr holds a dusty IKEA instruction booklet. Helen watches skeptically.

Bob: It’s just a floating shelf. A few screws, a level, a little elbow grease
Helen: Elbow grease is great. Knowing how to find a stud in the wall? That’s gold
Bob: I am the stud in the wall
Helen: Uh-huh. That stud better not take out the Wi-Fi again

Back with Elio, he sits awkwardly on his bed. Caleb is next to him, clicking through a pirated movie site.

Caleb: First rule of Real Cinema Club—ignore the screams. That’s how you know it’s working
Elio: Is that… is that guy eating…?!
Caleb: Yeah, but like philosophically

Moments later, Elio is clearly disturbed. He tries to turn off the screen

Elio: Okay, okay! I’ve learned enough culture for one night!
Caleb: No way, we’re just getting to the eyeball scene

They struggle over the mouse, At that moment, Olga Solis opens the door holding laundry

Caleb: Whoa... your mom’s hot
Elio: She’s my aunt, you toad
Olga: Elio? What the heck is Eddsworld?

The screen has, somehow, cut to an Eddsworld YouTube animation featuring a soda-fueled slapstick war.

Caleb: That’s... that’s not what I—wait, that’s—uh—gotta go!

He BOLTS out the window. Olga just stares.

Olga: ...Was that the kid who punched you at Camp Carver?
Elio: Let's NOT try to remember that...

Back at the Parr's, Bob Parr has half the wall taken apart. A giant hole where the shelf should go. Violet walks by, sees the mess, and silently backs away.

Bob: I think I found the stud! It’s just... behind the plumbing
Helen: You drilled through three different cable lines. Dash is now watching Finding Nemo in French
Bob: ...“Les poissons sont mes amis...”?

The next day, Elio enters the Infinity and Beyond Comic Book Store, still shaken, to find Barley and Andy Davis debating in front of a wall of longboxes.

Andy: I’m just saying, if Batman: Year One is a masterpiece, then ALF Annual #2 should be in the Smithsonian.
Barley: Okay, first, that’s slanderous. Second—Year One defined a genre. Annual #2 defined... Melmacula
Elio: Guys. I need your help. I wanna get revenge. Nerd-style!
Barley: You’ve come to the right lair
Andy: Operation Reel-tribution begins now

Next Morning, The halls are bustling. Caleb strolls in confidently, earbuds in, strutting like he owns the place. A few students giggle as he passes. Caleb raises an eyebrow.

Caleb: Heh. Guess they finally noticed the drip

Then, over the school PA system:

PA Announcer (Elio using a lower voice): Good morning, students! Before we begin our day, enjoy this very special video tribute to one of our own cinephiles...

TITLE CARD: “CALEB’S GUIDE TO REAL CINEMA”
(Cue dreamy, sparkly background music)

Clips from The Care Bears Movie, Barney’s Great Adventure, and Teletubbies Dance-Along begin to play—with Caleb's face (deepfaked in various expressions) edited onto every single character.

A fake quote flashes across the screen:

“Cinema peaked when the Teletubbies met the baby sun.” – Caleb, Probably

Students burst out laughing. Caleb stares, slack-jawed. He looks around in horror.

Caleb: WHAT THE—?! I never said that! I don’t even know the purple one's name!

He turns—and accidentally sits down on a bench. It triggers a rigged speaker underneath. “Let It Go” blares from under him at full volume.

Caleb: WHY AM I GETTING ELSA’D!?

Caleb tries to mount his bike, but the Care Bears theme plays from the rigged seat speaker. Again.

“Care-a-lot is a place we all can go...”

He throws the bike down, screaming. Elio, Barley, and Andy watch from a bush, giggling.

Elio: Think that’s enough?
Barley: As a student of the Sacred Order of Nerds... I say: one more!

Back at the Parr's once again at night, The shelf is perfectly mounted. A single family photo sits proudly on top.

Bob: We did it...

A tiny crack appears in the drywall... and the shelf leans slightly.

Helen: Don’t move. It’s held up by the sheer force of marital compromise
Bob: That’s stronger than drywall anyway

Back with Caleb, he sits in the dark, muttering and trying to restore his YouTube settings. Suddenly, he receives a package. Inside is a pristine Blu-ray titled:

" CAL’S PICKS: A Journey Through Emotion”

He flips it over. Back cover includes:

• Inside Out

• Frozen II

• Barbie as Rapunzel

Caleb: I can’t show my friends this. They'll think I’m... deeply well-rounded

Once again at the Parr's, Dash zooms through the house, bumps the wall... and the shelf somehow straightens out.

Dash: I fixed it!

END OF EPISODE

Chapter Text

Olga was dressed in a causal but tactical uniform along with a duffel bag, she has hired Barley, Andy and Ercole (don't ask why) to look after her nephew.

Olga: All right. I’ve been called in for a comms sync with orbit—don’t ask. I’ll be back by morning
Elio: You’re leaving me with them?

He gestures at the three adult “supervisors” standing awkwardly in the doorway:

• Barley with a 20-sided die necklace and a stack of anime DVDs.
• Andy Davis, wearing a "To Infinity... and Beyond Sober" hoodie.
• Ercole Visconti, who’s already brought a six-pack of “imported” Jägermeister and is wearing sunglasses indoors.

Olga (to Elio): You’re more responsible than all of them combined. Keep them alive...

The to the trio of misfits...

Olga: Touch my comic book shelf or alien tech cabinet, and I will tactical napalm your faces
Andy: Understood, ma’am
Barley: does the napalm hurt on a spiritual level?
Olga: you'll find out...

MEANWHILE AT A MINI-GOLF COURSE

Violet and Tony are on a date, Violet is doing her best to enjoy herself but keeps checking her phone.

Tony: You okay?
Violet: Yeah. Just... my friends, and Ercole, are babysitting Elio tonight
Tony: So you're saying we might need to call 911 in, like, an hour?
Violet (sighs): Minimum

LATER THAT NIGHT

The boys are on the couch watching Lucha Libre vs. Kaiju Vol. 3, surrounded by junk food and Mad Magazines

Barley: Okay! Rule 1 of babysitting, educate the youth through cinema!
Andy: Rule 2, snacks are dinner
Ercole (pulling out the Jäger bottle): Rule 3, unleash the Italian beast within
Andy: ...dude, no... espescially in the presence of a child
Barley: Is that Jägermeister?! Who even brings that?!
Ercole: A gentleman. And also a legend

They toast anyway, Elio facepalms and walks out of frame.

Elio: I’m building a pillow fort in the bathtub. If I disappear, it’s your fault

They hit a few putts. Violet accidentally phases the ball through a windmill.

Tony: Cheating via powers? That’s kinda slick
Violet: I didn't mean it, it just happened... like that

They share a laugh. Violet starts to relax.

Tony: Hey... your mom just texted. Something about a mop wedding and someone rolling a 1
Violet: That... tracks

They continue their date as distant sirens go off in the background.

THE NEXT MORNING - 7:00 A.M.

Barley wakes up with a cape made of pizza boxes. Andy is under the dining table cuddling a stuffed Glordon. Ercole is in the bathtub... without the pillow fort.

Barley: ...What happened?
Andy: Why is there a burrito in my sock?
Ercole: I think I legally married a mop
Barley: Wait. Where’s Elio?

They all freeze.

Andy: Wait... waitwaitwait. Where’s Elio?!

They all scream in fear.

THE SUSPECT LIST

1. Dash & his gamer gang — maybe Elio joined them for another Splatoon match?

2. The Girl Squad — they were having a sleepover, could he have snuck over to impress Giulia?

3. Caleb — always suspicious and recently humiliated by Elio’s prank war.

4. The School Telescope Room — his “safe place,” but it’s locked on weekends.

5. Massimo’s Fish Truck — known to lure children with fresh calamari and quiet advice.

INVESTIGATION MONTAGE:

1. PARR HOUSE - Gaming session in progress

Dash: He bailed last night. Said he was "too scared of Fatal Frame"

2. GIRL SQUAD BASEMENT - glitter storm as the boys burst in.

Priya: Elio tried to crash our sleepover. He got kicked out for asking too many questions about moon phases

3. MASSIMO'S FISH TRUCK

MASSIMO (calmly slicing squid) Elio stopped by. I gave him calamari and advice. He said he needed a place to "vibe cosmically."

4. INT. SCHOOL OBSERVATORY (BREAK-IN)

The trio trips a silent alarm. Stars look peaceful above their chaos.

MEANWHILE AT TONY'S HOME

Tony and Violet are sitting on the floor, surrounded by comic books, sci-fi DVDs, and leftover mini-golf tokens. They're wearing pajamas and sipping coffee from mugs.

Tony: Did you know in the original Moonraker script, Bond was supposed to get stranded on the moon?
Violet: That makes more sense than half the plot. Did you know that my brother once tried to phase through the refrigerator because he thought it had a secret portal to the spy lab?
Tony: Please tell me it was closed
Violet: Full velocity. Broke a mayo jar. Took a week to get the smell out

They both laugh. Violet leans her head on Tony's shoulder.

Tony: You ever think maybe we're the only normal people in this whole town?
Violet: We say that now... until we end up in someone else's mop wedding...

They clink their coffee mugs like champagne.

At the Infinity and Beyond Comic Book shop, The trio regroup, Ercole has a black eye from his encounter with Caleb.

Barley (rolling a D-20): If I roll a 20, the dice will reveal where Elio is

he rolls a 1

Barley: ...we're fudged

Suddenly Andy had a eureka moment

Andy: The comic cabinet. The alien one!

MOMENTS LATER

They pry it open with a plunger and crowbar. Inside: ELIO, peacefully asleep on a glowing pillow, surrounded by floating alien artifacts.

Elio (waking up): Oh. Did I miss breakfast?

They all collapse in relief.

Olga steps inside, Surveys the wreckage: scorch mark, the chicken, the mop in a tiny veil.

Olga: So... how did it go?
Barley: He was safe, in a secure highly classified place
Ercole: I also might be married to your mop
Olga: Cool... Who wants to play "Duck and Cover"?

She said as she cracked her knuckles.

BACK AT TONY'S HOUSE

The coffee is gone, Tony and Violet lie back on beanbags, staring at glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling.

Tony: Senior year next fall. Kind of wild
Violet: Yeah. College apps. Adulting. People keep asking me what my future looks like
Tony: What do you say?

Violet pauses for a moment before finally continuing.

Violet: "Undefined but emotionally volatile"
Tony: Heh, sounds like an Avengers title

They sit in silence a moment.

Violet: You think... we’ll still be doing this stuff? The movie nights, the coffee mornings?
Tony: Honestly? I hope so. But if not—
Violet: We’ll just phase through time and space to find each other again
Tony: Deal!

They pinky swear

Tony: Besides... we’ve survived mop weddings, alien cabinets, and Ercole Visconti. We can survive anything
Violet: Even college roommates

NEXT DAY AT THE GYM

Olga is now running babysitting boot camp

Olga: Rule #1, no Jäger. Rule #2: if a child disappears, YOU disappear!

Andy, Barley and Ercole groan while doing push-ups, Elio sits off to the side eating a sandwich.

Elio: I give them two days.

END OF EPISODE