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ACT ONE: The Threat Arrives
“Absolutely not.”
Steve sighed as he unboxed the sleek, matte black Roomba. “Buck, it’s not a threat. It’s a vacuum.”
“It’s alive,” Bucky hissed, arms crossed, watching from the couch like a cat eyeing a cucumber. “It’s watching us.”
“It doesn’t have eyes,” Steve said, peeling off the tape. “It’s got sensors.”
“That’s what they want you to think.”
“You are they.”
“I’m a cyborg, Steve. I know evil when I see it.”
The Roomba let out a cheerful beep as it powered on.
Bucky flinched like it had pulled a knife.
⸻
ACT TWO: Escalation
Day 1: The Roomba vacuumed the bedroom and gently nudged Bucky’s foot. He yelped and called it a slur in Russian.
Day 3: Steve found Bucky on his stomach, army-crawling through the hallway with a laser pointer. “Just seeing what it responds to,” Bucky muttered. The Roomba beeped at him. Bucky flipped it off.
Day 5: A small, hastily constructed barricade appeared in the living room made out of couch cushions, frying pans, and two of Steve’s shields. Bucky labeled it:
Zone of Safety. No Droids Allowed.
Day 6: The Roomba somehow breached the perimeter. Bucky stood on the coffee table yelling “TRAITOR” at Steve while the Roomba quietly sucked up crumbs below.
⸻
ACT THREE: Detente
Steve came home from the gym to find Bucky on the floor, sitting cross-legged. The Roomba was whirring softly, bumping into his knee.
“I named him Todd,” Bucky said, deadpan.
Steve blinked. “I thought you hated him.”
“I still do,” Bucky said. “But I respect him. He got through the lasers.”
“…What lasers?”
Bucky didn’t answer. The Roomba beeped in triumph and bumped Bucky’s knee again.
Steve sighed and muttered, “I should’ve just bought a broom.”
⸻
ACT FOUR: Tactical Engagement
The next morning, Steve woke up to the sound of a metallic clatter followed by a triumphant “HA!” from the living room.
He shuffled out in sweats, rubbing sleep from his eyes. “Bucky?”
Bucky stood with arms crossed, wearing his full tactical vest over pajama pants. A whiteboard stood behind him with the heading:
OPERATION: FLOOR DOMINANCE.
It included:
• Roomba Movement Patterns
• Blind Spots
• “Suspected Charging Nest”
• A doodle of Steve labeled “TOO TRUSTING”
The Roomba sat quietly in the center of a cardboard box surrounded by uncooked spaghetti.
“…Is that a trap?” Steve asked.
“It’s called a containment unit,” Bucky replied. “Spaghetti triggers the proximity sensors. Cripples its navigation.”
“You trapped Todd with carbs?”
“Carbs and fear.”
The Roomba beeped. The box vibrated slightly.
Bucky stepped back, hand hovering over his belt like a gunslinger.
“You have to stop treating this like a hostage situation,” Steve sighed.
“He started it,” Bucky muttered. “He bumped my foot again last night. Deliberately. That was a message.”
⸻
ACT FIVE: An Uneasy Alliance
Steve finally made Bucky release Todd on the condition that he would stop wearing combat gear in the house. Bucky agreed. Mostly.
Day 10: Steve caught Bucky crouched behind the kitchen island in a bathrobe, whispering “flank right” while Todd beeped around the fridge.
Day 12: Bucky secretly 3D printed a Roomba-size tactical helmet and snapped it on with a click. “Now he’s ready,” he said proudly. “For war.”
“He’s a vacuum,” Steve said weakly.
“A vacuum with potential.”
⸻
ACT SIX: Love, Actually
One night, Steve walked into the living room to find Bucky asleep on the couch. A half-eaten bowl of popcorn sat in his lap. Todd the Roomba quietly whirred beside him, suctioning crumbs off the rug without bumping him even once.
Steve watched the scene for a moment, hand on his chest.
“…I hate it here,” he whispered, but he was smiling.
From the couch, Bucky mumbled, “You’re just jealous because he listens to me.”
Todd beeped in smug agreement.
⸻
EPILOGUE: PROJECT CLEAN STRIKE
Steve entered their apartment’s tiny home gym expecting to find Bucky lifting. Instead, he found:
Todd the Roomba, sitting on a yoga mat.
Bucky stood in front of him, legs wide, arms crossed, a sweatband tied around his head.
“…You are training a robot vacuum?” Steve asked.
“Not just a vacuum,” Bucky replied, gesturing at the whiteboard behind him:
PHASE TWO: CLEAN STRIKE INITIATIVE
• Advanced obstacle evasion
• Dust identification drills
• Mop attachment mastery
• Covert snack crumb retrieval
• Emotional resilience under pressure
“You’re giving him… emotional training?”
“Yeah. You try getting told you missed a Cheerio six times and see how you handle it.”
⸻
MONTAGE:
• Todd dodging falling socks like a ninja
• Bucky yelling “LEFT FLANK” as a pile of toast crumbs drops
• Todd spinning 360, deploying mop mode
• Steve stepping in and being gently nudged aside
• “Good boy,” Bucky says solemnly
⸻
THE MISSION
Sam visits and spills a family-size bag of chips.
“Oh. Uh. Sorry.”
Bucky turns to Todd. “You know what to do.”
Todd beeps. The lights dim. Music starts playing. And like a majestic warhorse, Todd cleans. Everything. Crumbs: gone. Corners: cleared. A victory lap around Sam’s foot.
Sam stares. “What the hell kind of Roomba is that?”
“A trained one,” Bucky replies.
Steve sips his coffee. “I’ve lost control of my life.”
⸻
POST-CREDIT SCENE
Steve finds a note taped to the fridge.
Todd and I have gone on patrol. Back in 2 hrs.
– Buck
Outside, he sees Todd speeding down the hallway with a headlamp duct-taped on, Bucky in full tactical gear behind him, holding a Swiffer like a sword.
Together, they vanish into the night.
The city will never be dusty again.