Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Why do I feel so good but feel so sad?
Oh, pour your misery down on me…

Exer Campbell was a man like any other. He works a great job, is intelligent and smart, and even has a pet. He lives in a comfortable apartment, decorated neatly with plants and their vases, portraits and pictures. The place harbored an air full of love and coffee, a testament to Exer’s work as a cafe’s owner. Once a barista during his teenage years, now a proud manager.
He has his special someone as well. A lovely, cheerful person, full of life and joy. A love that would last decades, a marriage that would only be torn apart by the grave. United by their love for living, in that special finger of theirs, once was a golden band, a physical symbol of something great.

The fairest in his eyes.

At least, she once was.

Get yourself together, Exer.

She's gone. —----------------------------------------------------------------- —---------------- —----- —------- —--- — – –

This story dates from the very beginning. To the first time they met in their childhood, to their fling, and eventually, to a temporary romance.

Exer met Brenda Miller during a trip to the park. He was not the most sociable kid on earth, but was influenced by his father to interact with her. Soon, he found himself talking with the charismatic and playful girl more and more, especially after finding out she was from the school he was going to study in.

He could recall the sand on his feet as he dashed across the sandbox. He jumped over the border, laughing with all the joy in the world. No cares, no worries, just a toddler playing around with his best friend. Exer briefly twisted his neck to look at the one who was chasing him. Brenda was not fooling around; she was very witted and competitive as well. Their giggles and laughs mingled with the noise from the playground, full of other children. Exer dusted the sand off his uniform as he ran, smiling enormously.

Exer’s bare feet hit the ground with soft thuds, getting dirty because of the grass and scattered grains of sand. The place was full of toddlers with their parents, which was Exer’s case. He, who was admiring the vast sky, forgot about the fact he was being chased. And he was reminded of it by a sudden tackle.

They both rolled on the ground, panting and hollering with happy smiles on their faces. Exer sat up and turned to look at the girl down next to him. He didn’t feel injured by the fall. Instead, he was checking if she was hurt, more concerned about her wellbeing than his own. Brenda’s eyes shone in the sunlight, looking like sapphires. Her reddish pigtails were messy and her face had specks of brown, results of falling nearly face first in the grass. Her crooked smile was adorable, and Exer could see why it made him feel so.. So..

She looked at him, and Exer looked back. They were just children and too young to understand, but there had always been something in the air. Exer couldn’t tell what was this feeling of contentment and fulfillment, as if this was his safe haven and the only place in the world where he didn’t need to impress nor be “Exer the Great” as others from kindergarten called him. No, Exer was just Exer, accompanied by the most beautiful girl in the world.

In the blink of an eye, he’s already in middle school. Exer was rising to popularity at that time, noted for being a good looking charismatic champ. The boys either loved or envied him, while girls talked about him whenever he walked by. He had good humour, nice grades and was an ace at every sport. What else could he ever want?

Actually, there was something he wanted. But again, he was too young to notice. Focusing more on maintaining relations with every person at school, Exer pushed aside his best friend, Brenda Miller. She wondered why he had been distant, but figured it was just what fame does to people. So, on the sidelines, she watched and pondered when he was going to come back to her.

Meanwhile, she found company in the popular girls, and Pamela. Pamela and Brenda were inseparable, despite being nearly opposites. It was cute how Pamela was so shy and Brenda so outgoing. They complemented one another, and were attached by the hip. When Exer noticed, he started feeling.. Jealousy.

There came the drama. He made up stories, all to push them both apart. Relentless, his indirect attacks eventually reached Young Pam, who had no clue about those rumors. Some called her a lesbian, a witch, and even a user for walking around with Brenda just to try and rise to the top. Bren was outraged and helped her fight against the allegations which were mostly proven false, but some were never called out. And so, she became excluded from everything. Sleepover nights with the girls, picked last for P.E, never had a partner for projects, and so on. It took a toll on her, and she even started rejecting Brenda. Brenda was clueless as to why, but she would never suspect that it was because one of the rumors were, after all, true.

Then, she came back to Exer, who promised to never take her for granted. He swore to treat her right and hold her in first place at his best friend pedestal. She found it funny, but could never have fathomed that this set of lies would be the cause of something horrible in the future.

In high school, they officially started dating. The captain of the cheer team plus the school’s golden boy. Could this couple be any less perfect? At lunch, they sat together, hand in hand. Exer would kiss her cheek and compliment her in front of his friends, while Brenda would swoon and talk about him all the time with her. They lived in a real daydream for the entirety of schools. On Saturdays, Exer always came over to study, and Christine would bake them all cookies. On Wednesdays they went out to the diner next to the school and would share milkshakes. Life has become a pleasant routine.

But, behind the scenes, a web of lies laid tangled. Brenda still longed for Pamela’s friendship, but never got the chance. Sometimes, Exer didn’t let her around with a boy from the other class, Ken Okamoto, but she never understood why. Exer was a jerk to many people, but they were so blind around him that nobody ever cared about that. He silently bullied Pamela until she left the school for once and all, with tears in her eyes and heartbreak in her chest.

One day, her twin brother David disappeared. Brenda started to suffer and enter a very bad mental state, relying a lot on Exer and her mother. It was hard but they got through it, taking years to heal. But we will talk about that later.

Graduation came, and they both went off to study. Their long distance relationship managed to strain through thanks to their love for each other. Every day at 9 pm, the phone in Brenda’s living room would ring, and she would rush down to talk to her beloved. They shared stories and their everyday activities, along with anything relevant to the other. They saw each other around 2 times per year on each break since they studied in different states, and all their longing would be poured into their kisses.

With a lot of dedication, patience and passion, Exer became the owner of a small cafe business, Cup ‘o’ Cat. It was handed down by his boss, Sea, who was the mother of a girl Exer once bullied. But she didn’t need to know. Brenda herself got into the fashion industry, working by producing some neat designs for one store or another.

They moved in together inside an apartment and decided to adopt a cat. It had been the best 3 years of their lives. Exer proposed, and they had a beautiful wedding, a marriage that was meant to last ages, decades.

But.

Remember Okamoto, Pamela, and the bullied girl? Well, Ken wasn’t very happy with Exer’s success. His business had grown significantly, and they had a few shops already. Yet, Exer never paid the price for his actions. So they were going to make him regret it.

Messages came on his phone from anonymous numbers. They were kids he had taken advantage of, harming them physically and verbally. The list was enormous, and big enough for Brenda to notice.

They got her number too, and quickly, all of the information spread to her. Brenda was shocked to hear that her lovely husband had caused so much hell in the past, to the point of putting other down, stealing their hard work and bullying them off the school. So she decided to confront him on her own.

And it wasn’t pretty.

Brenda screamed, Exer yelled back. They were both furious but for different motives. Exer was furious with the others, thinking they were being dramatic for still holding resentment and bitterness, going as far as to try and ruin their marriage, while Brenda was mad at Exer for his cruelty, lack of remorse and apathy.

And there came the divorce.

Exer blinks again, but he’s no longer staring at that innocent, pure child. He’s staring at Brenda’s red face while she’s practically fuming. She wants to strangle him, to make him regret all of it, and go back to the past to fix all his mistakes. For Pamela, Ken, and all the other lives he ruined, she yelled out her final wish for him.

“I want a divorce!!” Brenda shoved him, bristling and speaking with rage. “You are such an asshole! I wish I never had dated you! You ruined everything for them, how could you?!” Exer was on the floor, tears streaming down his face. He was trembling and hiding his face, finally facing the consequences.

She insulted Exer to the core, calling him out as someone disgusting and undeserving of love, telling him he isn’t meant for her and that she will be moving out the very next day. He reluctantly agrees, stripped of his happiness and sense of accomplishment. All his life long romance slipped through his fingers while he was forced to accept the bitter pill. She walked out the door and never came back.

He had Lucy, he had his job, and a charming reputation. But he realized that love might have been the most expensive and gratifying item out of all these things.

This is where our story really begins. Grief, anger and acceptance. No one is happy.

Chapter Text

That was the first part of the tale. The young years.

Exer fought to remember the details as much as he fought to stay upright. The divorce had been months ago because he messed up. He was feeling like shit.

Tears stained the wooden floor. Lucy, his dear black cat, purred and rubbed against his leg. She didn’t understand, but she stayed there nevertheless. Exer still had someone – or something, after all.
He had to have hope…

I need salvation.

He hadn’t gone to work for a few days already. Stressed out, Exer couldn’t deal with this. His friends have been visiting and trying to persuade him, but nothing is working. Nights spent awake, days spent fantasizing, but the world never stopped. He couldn’t keep up with the pace, but he had gone too far in life now. He was a manager. He couldn’t afford to stop just to grieve this deceased love.

Soft whispers and loving touches. Morning kisses and heartfelt greetings. Gifts, romancing and losing himself in the passion. The love in the air that he had grown so used to… vanished. Her plants had died, the records weren’t playing anymore, the memories were ripped and thrown out. Her smile had been scribbled over with a black Sharpie, and the remains of her favorite vase laid on the ground, ready to be stepped on and to cut deep. Deeper than the cut which already bled.

If heartbreak really does kill, the grim reaper is standing right next to him.

Until, a message snapped him out of his nightmare-ish fantasy. He got up, knees aching from kneeling in front of the mirror. Everything hurts. His back was aching from being bent over for so long, and there was a small puddle just before the mirror. The reflective surface of the mirror– her mirror, was his biggest doom. It served to remind him of the wreck he is, of the disgrace his life has just become.

Exer groaned and rubbed his sore eyes. He grasped his forehead as he felt another headache come in. He was so used to this hell that it barely mattered anymore. What even matters anymore?

He unlocked his phone. No longer with her birthday, but with the date of their separation. Every single thing, every single memory, was a punishment he himself designed. A trap for his weary soul, a sick masochism that he adopted. Opening his messages, he could see many missed calls, all from family and friends. All his companions, family members, mates – even strangers, feared for him. The quotes he put up on his status, the lack of joy, and the disappearance from social media got attention. Exer sighed tiredly and sat down on their couch, beginning to read the messages.

The first one was an impressive total of 93 messages and 4 missed calls. A close friend, asking about his ex-wife.

Exer simply ignored and took a sharp breath. Don’t let it get to you, not again.

The second one was a cousin who called 7 times. It doesn’t matter. We don’t even talk.

And the third.. His dad. Harry, a keen therapist with a good soul and a caring heart. His son’s situation was driving the old man insane with concern. He wouldn’t rest until his son could as well. He didn’t “exaggerate” like the others. He sent a few only, and a text, a transmission of love and care in times of despair.

- Exer, son, how has your day been? Is Lucy alright?

- I won’t fuss. I know your struggle, and I’ll insist for the last time.

- Have you tried therapy?

Exer read cautiously, his weary mind struggling to comprehend what seemed to be those clusters of words. He wiped the tears off the screen and closed his eyes for a moment. He needed more caffeine, regardless of his poor sleep routine and lack of proper meals.

- Hi, dad. No, not great at all.

- No.

—---------------------------

Typing….

- Wy don't you try therapy? Would you do this for your old man? Think about those around you. You, such a bright man, are suddenly so drained of life. I strongly believe you can heal, son. I know you better than anyone. You just need to try. Please.

—---------------------------

Exer’s eyes shone with an incoming cascade once more. He knew Harry was right, he always was. Harry was a psychologist, after all. The solution was right there, right before him. He just needed to try.

- I can’t stand it, Exer. I’m not angry. I’m suffering for you.

He shut his eyes tightly. Just a try.

- Please, my son.

—----------------------------

Exer is typing…

- Who do you recommend?

—------_-____–_´´~~

Chapter Text

*What am I doing here? Is this really the right choice?*

Exer sighed. Today would be his first session. He stood before his father’s workplace, a tall but simple building, with a color palette of grey and white. It looked quite contemporary. He took a step, and the glass door opened. Of course, it was automatic. Almost as if with caution, he walked forward and stepped inside warily.

Welcome!! The carpet read.

Yeah. Bye, whatever. Exer thought and scoffed. Everything was getting on his nerves. Why I am like this..?

It was a neat lobby. A square room with a floor made of shiny grey tiles. Two flower vases opposed themselves, each on one side of the entrance door. There were two rows of chairs, which were mostly empty, except for one occupied by a chubby old lady who smiled at him. He smiled nervously at her in reply, being the so well mannered gentleman he was.

There were some paintings of landscapes on the wall and slim windows more to the end of the salon. Two white wooden doors were integrated to one side of the room, while another was facing the entrance from across the room. Exer walked forward to the reception, which was no more than a counter with a lady of age behind it.

“Hello, how can I help you? Do you have an appointment scheduled?” She smiled warmly at Exer, who nodded politely in reply. “Yes, I do. It’s at.. 4 pm, with, uh..”

Exer unlocked his phone, ignoring the lock screen’s wallpaper. He would have to change that. He couldn't stand to look at her face. It hurt.

He opened the chatting app and consequently, the conversation with his dad. He turned his phone around and handed it to the lady, after zooming in on the important message. He hoped she wouldn't notice the dried stains on the phone nor the time in which the messages were sent. Exer really didn't want to be lectured.

“This one.” He declared, clearing his throat. He tilted his head and leaned on the counter, looking at the phone that now was in her hands.

Dr. David Miller.

—----------------------------------------------------------------- —---------------- —----- —------- —--- — – –

That name had triggered him, he couldn’t deny. But it wasn’t the time to dwell on coincidences. He repeated the number of the room in his head. Fifth floor, fifth door, fifth floor fifth door, 5 0 5..

His feet tapped against the elevator’s floor. He was very stressed. After all, this was his father’s idea. He hoped this would end well, and that therapy wouldn’t end in trouble.. He had chosen a male doctor specifically to not remind him of Brenda. He didn't want to see a woman in his face. A little weird, yes, but she was girly after all. He couldn't afford to remember the color of her eyes, the little things she did that would marvel Exer... But little did he know…

The door to the elevator opened, and Exer stepped out. He looked around the hallway, and spotted another bland white door with another one of those “Welcome!” carpets.. This was starting to become really annoying. Next to it, there was a row of 7 doors. Obviously, he went for the fifth one. Exer knocked, and waited. He was feeling anxious, and really hoped his future therapist wouldn't notice. That was kind of ironic, though.. Wishing for a therapist to NOT know his problems? Oh, he was so ridiculous..

When he was about to knock again, he saw the handle being twisted, and closed his eyes. Exer took a deep breath and opened his eyes when the door made that familiar opening sound. Sweet heavens.

Exer couldn’t even begin to describe the shock he felt. The man was so agonizingly similar but so..

Blond locks, thick shiny cascades of hair that looked so fine to run his fingers through. Skin pale and soft looking like it was crafted from silk and powder. Nimble fingers which probably felt like an angel’s touch, and lips so lovely and delicate as well..

And those eyes. Oh, those eyes..

Those long, fine lashes were just the start. His eyes were an ocean of colors, graced with an azure tone so mesmerizing and deep.. Exer felt himself relax. That warm gaze was fitting for a professional like that, absolutely.

But the worst part was how alike that man was to Brenda. Yes, there were major differences, but everything felt so connected thanks to his fuzzy mind. Exer didn’t know whether it was a delusion or if it was real. His admiration was short lived, as a tear escaped his eyes. This burden was taking a toll on him, and he couldn’t hold back. It was all too much.

“Come inside with me.” The man ordered caringly. Exer closed his eyes and breathed in. He opened them to see that same warm gaze looking straight into him, into his soul. Piercing, but so comforting too.. A shiver struck through Exer’s nervous system as the young man, much probably around his age, wiped his tear. That touch, it felt like home. He wanted to squirm, to fight and thrash, to lash at this handsome stranger that was reminding him so badly of his ex-wife. But he knew better than to. This guy, after all, was gonna stick around for a long, long time. He had no choice. And this was his best chance at improving.

He followed the blond man. What surprised him was his normalcy. Exer had just cried a lonely tear in front of him, but he hand't even commented it out loud, just wiped it away. He felt so grateful for that. He was feeling ill and tired of having it pointed out, which made him already feel something good for the other. His feet pounded against the birch planks of Dr. David's office as he made his way across the room, coming to a stop as he settled down on a comfy red couch. The doctor came back after locking the door, and sat opposite to him.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Campbell.” He smiled warmly. “My name is David. I’ll be your therapist from now on, as you know.” He introduced himself and held out his hand. Exer, still dazed, didn’t even lift a finger. David didn’t show any reaction though. He settled himself slightly closer, and analyzed Exer with curiosity and worry. The other never reacted, still having his head lowered and hiding his gaze.

David cleared his throat and spoke once more. “I won’t coax you to speak in our first session. My goal is to help you in a way that feels comfortable.” Exer tilted his head up and looked at him, almost timid looking, but David knew it wasn’t any sort of shyness. It was apprehension. “Tell me, with a nod or verbal affirmation.. Have you ever been to therapy before?”

Exer barely responded. His mind was blurry, drifting between coherence and his depression. His sadness seeped out as a sort of energy around him, a strange shield, one that sent shivers down David’s spine. David had never dealt with someone so.. out of it. Of course, he had seen these kinds of things but.. knowing any word could trigger the ticking time bomb was scary.

Why would it not be?

He knows Exer. And not for a good reason.

Chapter Text

Their first session had felt like forever to Exer.

David’s talking felt like blabbering, and he could feel a headache coming during the whole thing. He knew he was being judgemental and supposing something, but he couldn’t help this apprehension to talking about his inner feelings.

You see, he had told David about his divorce. It was one of the only things he said throughout the entire hour they spent inside that room, and the therapist had been caught off guard since Exer had been so quiet through the entire thing. He described it vividly, the feeling of being so tired of living the same cycle of suffering over and over again, along with the sleepless nights, and his attachment to caffeine. It might sound silly, but caffeine was destroying him as well, summing up with his mental problems.

“I can say that you have a sort of.. Love and loss syndrome, as I call it.” David crossed one leg over the other and leaned back on his chair, adjusting his glasses. He scribbled some things on the notepad he was taking notes in, and showed them to Exer.

“When you lose someone you are attached to, you begin to grieve their presence, and at the same time, push it away.” Exer was puzzled by the explanation. David chuckled briefly and continued. “You most probably keep memories of her around, have relations with people she knows, and haven’t let go of things that belonged to both of you. Although, you also seem to push away not just those people, but everyone. Everything that reminds you of her suddenly becomes painful, and you begin to change.” David paused, and looked at Exer, to see how he was holding up. Exer seemed to have been overcome with realization, noticing that what David said.. Was true.

He was grieving their love.

“Well.” David cleared his throat. “And that’s where the more ‘loss’ part of this syndrome comes in. You do not just push away the memories, but start to lose interest and delve into a bad mental state. For example, the emotional shock from this loss might cause you to develop insomnia, like you told me. Does this match with your situation?” He asked, leaning forward and resting his chin on his palm. The young doctor awaited Exer’s answer, totally welcoming to his reaction, waiting patiently. Eventually, Exer dared look up, almost as if scared to look at him. David’s gaze softened, as his thoughts momentarily drifted away.

It was a cold night.

David stopped and mentally chided himself. Now is certainly not the time to dwell in his inner injuries. How pathetic he was. A therapist who can’t help himself.

Get yourself together, David.

You’re out of that house.

He managed to compose himself just in time. Exer’s answer rang through his ears. “I guess.”

“I see then..” David looked at Exer, a little lost in thought. His hand drummed against the armrest as he thought about what to say next. He hummed and was about to speak, when Exer cut him off unexpectedly. “I… I have a question.” Surprised, David sat back up and nodded, allowing him to ask away. “Go on.”

“Before our session ends, I.. I would like to request a change. In our future sessions.” David had to mask his concern. Was Exer planning on…cancelling everything? Was he too obvious about his similarities with Brenda? Or did he push too much? He was about to ask why, when Exer looked him in the eye. No longer apprehensive, but instead… with trust. “Could we switch the day to Friday? I’m busy most Mondays, you see.. My job requires a lot of my time.” David smiled greatly. What a relief!! Wait a second..

David checked the time on his wristwatch. It was exactly 17:00, which meant their time was over. He looked back at Exer and nodded. “Of course. Same time? I can find time for you in my schedule.” “Yes, yes, at the same time.” Exer gave the tiniest of smiles, and David felt relieved knowing his client had liked the session. Exer seemed to be like those kind of people who are very cautious and uneasy at first, only to loosen up and give things a shot later. The therapist was determined to make Exer smile more, for two reasons: Because of his profession, and the bond they could have had, if only the circumstances were right.

They both stood up, almost simultaneously. He walked with Exer to the door, and stopped once Exer crossed the carpet and stood outside. As they looked at each other with a newfound sensation of professionality, David wondered what happened between Exer and his sister. Was this extremely unprofessional? Yes, it was, but Brenda was no longer related to Exer, and the other was unaware of David’s relation with Brenda, so he guessed he could play it cool. He just needed to keep it a secret.

“Thank you for your time, Exer. I’m sure you won’t regret coming.” David smiled warmly and adjusted his glasses, holding out his hand after. Exer reciprocated the gesture and shook his hand politely. He wondered if his nimble fingers resembled Brenda’s at the moment. The thought of her continued to linger, a ghost that once followed Exer but now seemed to follow him too. No matter how much he held back the shame and put up a great façade as he said goodbye to Exer, he couldn’t forget how stupid he was being right now.

~~~

David locked the door. The keysauce dingled in his hands and he whistled a favorable tune as he walked into his small apartment. It was neat and organized, counting with a light but colorful palette of yellows, whites and grey. As a therapist, he learned that everyone needs a bit of color in their lives, so he makes sure to keep the place radiant and shining with life. He left his work bag on the couch and adjusted two yellow pillows that were out of place. Yes, you can call him a perfectionist.

He sighed and laid on the couch, distressed. He even broke out of his routine, not feeling like watering the plants. The flashbacks he had gotten during the session had been very intense, and had revived some intense memories inside him. David closed his eyes and hugged himself, feeling his heartbeat pick up. He needed to release this pressure, be it crying or not.

Does the little lady feel like… c r y i n g ? —------------------------------------------- —- —----------- —-------------------------- —-------------- —------------------------------- —--- —----- —------------------------- —---------------------------------------------- —------- —-------------------- —-------------------- —--------------- —-------- —------------ —------------------- —-- —--------- —--------------------------- – --- --------------------- —--------------------- ------------------------------------------ —--------------- –-- —--------------------- —----------------- —-------------- —--------- —---------------------------- —-----

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It was a cold night.

David had returned home from a date. But not just any date. No, he went out with a friend of his. Maybe more than that. But that doesn't matter anymore.

The night had been one of fulfillment and forgetting about the rest of the world. Forgetting that “normal” people existed and that he was different. He had dashed against the skating rink after spending the night learning with the help of his best friend, Brad.

“You honestly suck at this, man.” David hissed in reply, and Brad laughed. “At least I don’t hurry beginners to the point that they end up smashing their head against the ice.” David muttered as he clutched his head, cursing the other’s whole bloodline under his breath. Brad kneeled before him, watching him with curiosity, a hint of playfulness, and genuine worry. “In all seriousness though.. Are you alright?” David looked up at him, and shook his head, feeling the warmth in his chest soothe his headache. “Yeah, I’m good. No worries nor hard feelings, but you owe me some nachos.” Brad groaned and David laughed. He hoisted himself up, and stood, even if with difficulty. Brad shook his head erratically. He suddenly smirked and had an idea. David frowned, sensing Brad form a plan.

“Only if you catch me first!!” David gasped, realization hitting him. He was about to reply when the other started skating across the rink, blending in with the crowd. He shook his head and laughed, forgetting about his annoyed façade. “Brad!! You bastard!!” David yelled while laughing, setting off after him. He would get him to pay, eventually.

He never got to Brad, though.

Because someone else got to him first.

David gave up on skating, unable to find him. He now had a frown on his face, wondering about the other’s whereabouts. Just as he was handing in the skates to the lady handling the roller skate counter, he felt a tap on his shoulder. Expecting to find his friend, he turned around with a smile that was quickly crushed by the outraged glare over his shoulder.

Seconds later, he was being dragged out harshly and roughly. David yelped in surprise. His father was never this brutal, what happened..? He was scared, in the least, but it couldn’t be too bad… could it?

In a blink of an eye, they were home. The drive had been absolutely silent, and David felt the tremble in his limbs get worse as they pulled up to the driveway. His father slammed the door open, and shut it with even more force. David’s eyes widened as he took in the impact. This couldn’t be good. Quickly, he hurried up and got out of the car as well, refusing to meet the piercing eyes boring into him. William pushed him inside without a word, only with ragged breaths.

David’s heartbeat increased. It pounded against his ribcage and ears.

But the next thing to pound was his head, against a bookcase. He fell to the ground with a sickening thud, his mind already feeling fuzzy and body aching. What was going on? What is happening to me?

It was a kick at first, then it turned into another, and another.. Many of them. David couldn’t recall properly. It hurt too much, ached too bad. He could hear him scream out slurs and insults. Angry rashes formed on David’s skin, a sickening trail of harm and abuse, painting his pale body into a horrific masterpiece. The brush was William’s fists and feet, which marked David in a way he would never forget.

“I warned you about those people for so long!!” A slap made David’s head jerk to the side. He looked up with struggle, eyelids fighting against the urge to just close. “Those disgusting.. Freaks!! I never thought Satan would get to my own son as well, or might I say, to my daughter?!” David choked on a sob, feeling William pull at his once beautiful hair, that now looked torn and tangled. “Is that why you wanted to quit football? LOOK AT ME!!”

David spat blood and his eyes widened, feeling a shoe’s sole almost dig into his abdomen. He whimpered and wailed lowly, looking up. His limbs trembled violently, in a near convulsion state, and his arms were struggling to keep him from falling. He was on all fours, with his bloodied and injured face tilted upwards, holding eye contact with the actual devil of the situation. His lips quivered, and tears fell down his face as William raised a fist.

“Did you want more time to play with a dollhouse?” He downed a fist on the back of David’s head, making him shake violently once more.

“Is it because you prefer to put on some makeup?” He kicked his chest. David screamed, his voice strained and weary. The fatigue seeped in it.

“Or were you inside the locker room kissing some other fucked up ‘ladies’ like you?!” He got David by the shoulder and screamed, fuming. His eyes were wide with rage and fury. and his hands dug into his body like knives. He felt like fainting, like giving up, and wanted to be anywhere but here.

“My son is NOT girly!! He is a real man. And if you refuse to act like a man, then for all that I care, you are NOT my child! You're a shit, a bastard, you're undeserving of living! You should go to HELL!!” He shoved David backwards. Without any way to hold himself up, David fell to the floor, panting. His eyes were glossy and his limbs were sprawled against the ground. Some liquid fell on his chin. Spit.

“Disgusting.” William spat and sneered. He got his shoe back and shoved it against David’s chest, before putting it back on and storming upstairs. David presumed this was the scene, at least. It was too blurry to see anything at all.

All he could remember was being woken up hours later by Linda, his stepmother. She was crying lots of tears, sobbing hysterically. He couldn’t hear her words, nor her pleas. He just assumed she was begging for him to stay conscient. She took him to his own room and tended to his wounds, all the while promising to keep David safe and to not let this happen again. Later, he was alone again, laying on his bed with his head hollow. His eyes were half open, and he felt dead. Just dead.

Like the world was against him.

Like he was a burden to society.

Like he really was disgusting. A f a g g o t.

I am unlovable.

And it will never change. I was born this way, ill, sick, and demonic.

Hours later, David stood before the mirror. He looked like a mummy, with gauze and bandages everywhere. There were purple and sickly green spots, missing tufts of hair, and his left eye was swollen. His legs felt like jelly, and he couldn’t move his neck otherwise he would feel pain. His back had black spots, and his abdomen had an ugly footprint right on its center. He could still see the rashes, the blood and the injuries, the consequences of his disease. He needed to be healed. But not physically.

And that night was what sealed David’s pride. It made him feel insecure, in that “vintage” world, knowing how wrong his existence was. His father took him to church, made remarks, and always spat on other’s pride, knowing it was shattering what fight David had in him. He was no longer colorful. He was gray. It was better this way.

His father decided to move somewhere far, and David lost contact with Brenda and Christine, his twin sister and mother, his only supports. He lost contact with his friends who knew about his true identity, and instead, was placed in a catholic school. He endured hatred towards the “weird and proud ones”for a whole year, before starting to pursue psychology, to try and become a psychologist.

And he got there. Being a psychologist was his only pride. He could finally be secure in something, his job.

But would he keep being secure, if he continued to tend to his sister’s ex’s inner wounds, when his problems start to resurface and the past starts to attack him? Will the pain he buried come back to haunt him?

Well, he could feel it come back already.

It’s time to face your demons.

Your inner Satan, like William says.

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David opened his eyes in a cold sweat, struggling to breathe. Why does he keep torturing himself like this?

He placed a hand above his heart, feeling his uneven and erratic heartbeat. The world looked grey again. David took sharp but deep breaths in and out, trying to ground himself back to reality. He had let the memories go too deep, and they cut at him. For a moment, he felt like that same boy he was 9 years ago, just a scared 17 year old with the whole future ahead of him, yet with such a lack of hope..

Everyday, he struggled to remind himself of who he was. He is David Miller, a strong man now. He is growing from his mistakes, and learning how to be himself in this big, judgemental world.

But on the inside, he still feels like that boy. Vulnerable, disgusting, and with no one to love him and help him. The only people he ever had were taken away from him.

Forced to leave his sister and mother behind.

Lost contact with friends overnight. Left them as well.

Stepmother divorced his father, but couldn’t get custody of him.

And so, he lived inside that cage, trapped between father’s sharp claws. Repulsed by himself, and forced to follow the norms, to be the puppet his father wanted.

Although, he was free now. But why couldn’t he feel free? Because his wings were clipped from the start. It's him and himself on his own.

David got up from the couch and trudged towards the kitchen. He rubbed his eyes and cleaned the tears, ignoring his running nose and not bothering to fix himself. He got a glass of water and drank it all in one go, suffocating the hiccups and trying to clear his throat. After finishing, he leaned heavily against the counter, placing the glass inside the sink.

The shiny surface reflected his tear struck face, the same one that was so badly injured all those years ago. David just wanted to let go and forget, but he was never able. Maybe it was because he never had someone to confide in, or help him at all. The times he was with his sister were too few and short, his moter barely saw him, and Linda stayed there for barely two years. Nothing lasted for David.

Probably why he is a psychologist nowadays. Because helping others and dealing with problems that aren’t yours is easier than facing our troubles, our own fights. And David wants to be the someone he never had to someone else. If he can’t rely on somebody, it’s fine. But he will do whatever it takes to help someone else.

Even if it requires being this unprofessional.

Chapter Text

And if only I could,
I’d make a deal with God,
And i’d get him to swap our places,

~~

The record spun round and round as I wallowed in my room. I’ve probably never felt so bad in my whole life. I lost someone else, someone dear to me, because we refused to communicate. The flowers inside my temporary bedroom are starting to lose their petals, each one falling one by one. The wallpaper is still the pretty dull pink color it used to be when I chose it as a kid, and the vanity dresser still had my old makeup. The posters I once hung of artists I used to like, such as Madonna, were on the verge of falling. It was just the same way 21 year old me left it. But here I am, 5 years later, inside this once vibrant room. But right now, I don’t feel the same vibes, nor the love for pink. I feel nothing, just heartbreak.

Life has become quite dull for Brenda. It’s strange how things can change so quickly and abruptly. It reminds her of when she lost her brother, David. It happened when they were both young. He had told her he was going out with a friend over the phone the other day, but in the following days, she never got any news from him. Young her was so worried after seeing he didn’t come to school too..

She had just gotten back home in the evening when Christine came stumbling down the stairs. Shocked, Brenda quickly ran to her side and helped her mom stand. She was seething, with angry tears streaming down her face. Brenda instantly felt a pang of paranoia, which told her.. That whatever happened to leave Christine this way had to do with David.

“M-Mom?” Brenda’s eyes widened, analyzing the situation. Her eyebrows furrowed as she began to help her trembling mother onto the couch. Christine shook her head erratically, and hid her face with her hands. Brenda sat beside her and rubbed comforting circles on her mother’s back, as if telling her to take her time. “What’s going on?”

“It’s.. It’s horrible, Brenda. The worst thing you can imagine.” She sputtered, hands shaking. She settled facing her daughter and let her hands fall off her face, resting them on her knees. Christine’s eyes looked full of fury, sadness, and also.. Despair. “Two news.”

Brenda took a sharp breath. Two things? This couldn’t be good.. But she had to ask. “Does this all… Have to do with..” “With my pumpkin?” She interrupted her, eyes welling up with tears again. “Yes, it does.. That monster, William..” Brenda shivered. She always heard David’s rants about life with William. None were good. The threats, nights spent awake in fear, and the insecurities he had because of that.. that excuse of a parent.

“My poor baby..!!” She gripped both of Brenda’s hands. Christine took in a shaky breath, and looked at her daughter with that same hopelessness. Here it comes. “The first thing is.. David.. Is gay. And that is not even a problem.. My pumpkin is perfect the way he is..!”

Her eyes softened. She had imagined that her brother was gay plenty of times already. To her, that had never been a problem. But to society..

And she made the connection. Two news, one was that David was gay.. But if she was mad with William, then..

Brenda paled. Her eyes widened and her hands began to shake. Christine, sensing her daughter made the connection, moved on to hug her. She fell into her mother’s arms, sobbing, sharing that anger and sadness. “He.. David.. No, what.. Why would he do this.. To his own son?”

Christine sobbed, and looked at Brenda’s eyes. “I.. Because that man is a disgrace!! Brenda, he moved to another *city*!!” She let out an audible gasp at that revelation. Not only did he probably hurt his brother, but also moved away. And that can only mean... That she won’t be seeing him again. For long.

So David really was gone. And Brenda won’t ever be able to tell him that he is normal, loveworthy, and still her brother.

She stayed downstairs with her mom for a long time. They talked and tried to be hopeful, despite the anger and fear in their chests. Christine was very down, struggling to come to terms with this new problem and ache in heart. Brenda excused herself for a moment, feeling bad for leaving her alone, but she also
needed a moment. She climbed up the stairs to her room and leaned against the wall, face in her hands.

On her vanity dresser, she saw the eyeshadow David once wore. She had convinced him to, telling him that it wouldn’t make him unmanly or “weak”. The hesitation diminished, and David felt in his element. If only she had seen the signs.. Would David be comfortable telling her, if he hadn’t been outed in such a disturbing and inhumane way?

Their pictures together suddenly held so much more meaning. It was a physical manifestation of what they were to each other, and how much they matter to the other. Her eyes were puffy as more tears came and crashed down on the floor. Brenda felt so, so hurt. Hurt by her father’s-

No. Not father.

A man who abuses his own son is no father. And a “father” who abuses her brother is no one to her.

Hurt by his betrayal, hurt by sharing the same pain with her mother, and hurt by her twin’s absence.

“David..” She wailed. Brenda stumbled across her room, walking with shaky legs to her desk. On the shelves, she searched for a very specific vinyl record. Music tended to calm her. She needed to relax, otherwise she would probably faint. Her throat closed up as she found the desired record. The one in which she stored the songs that made her cry, and release the pressure in her heart.

Brenda set it on the player, and it started to spin. She closed her eyes and rested, leaning on the desk. The world faded away as music started to play, with its lyrics stringing a familiar, painful song.

It doesn’t hurt me.

She gripped the desk tighter and her eyes fluttered open. Brenda walked slowly towards the phone.

Do you want to feel how it feels?

Her shaky fingers reached out to grab the phone. Brenda breathed in and out, weighing her best option at the moment.

Do you want to know, know it doesn’t hurt me?

Losing William doesn’t hurt. But losing David not only hurts, it kills. It stabs you and clogs your heart, makes you want to cry and forget about the present. The past is where you want to be, forever.

Do you want to hear about the deal that I’m making?

Hopelessly, she dialed her best friend Pamela’s number. It was who she wanted to talk with right now, because she knew Pam kept secrets and would comfort her.

You..

One ring. Two rings. No one must be home. Right, she had a date with Jackson.

It 's you and me..

At least, it used to be.

Brenda began to tear up. She couldn’t take it. She was desperate, fearing for her brother’s life, missing him like hell, and her best friend wasn’t home. It was like her heart was being wrapped and punctured by a poison ivy’s spikes. In a heartbeat, she lost her other half. It's no longer her and him.

Her knees gave in and the teen barely managed to hold herself up. Her sobs were loud and ugly as she hit her head on the wall. Her forehead hurt, but not as much as her soul did. She lost him.

And if only I could,

I’d make a deal with god,

And I'd get him to swap our places..

She dialed her boyfriend, breaking down. In her mind, all of this was a dream, and she was about to wake up from it. About to. Her lover was the only person she could handle talking to right now. Brenda’s heart was torn in two, and she needed help. She needed him to mend it, to make it feel fuller, lighter.

He picked up almost instantly. She ranted and hiccuped, carrying a never seen before agony in her voice. A panic that the strong, so brave and iconic Brenda would never have, but here she was. Who is someone in the face of loss? Nobody. And certainly not themselves.

The song had long ended, but the lyrics still applied to the situation.

Exer’s feet pounded against the sidewalk in a hurried rhythm. He dashed across the lone streets of Kingsmont with only one thing in his mind. His hands were clenched into tight fists, and he felt undeniably stressed to the core. How dare that man..?

Be running up that road,

He panted, adrenaline racing through his very being. Even if he never got to know him, it still hurt him as well. He took a momentary rest, before setting off again. The cold of the night was nothing compared to his determination to help. Nothing would get to him.

Be running up that hill,

Just a few more streets. From afar, I can see that familiar house. He nearly collapsed on the doormat, weary from his extensive and restless run. He knocked, and was greeted by a depressed Christine.

Be running up that building.

Exer made short talk with the grieving mother. He felt guilty to be intruding in such a moment, but he didn’t come to interrupt their vulnerable moment. He came, instead, to take part in that moment, feeling a sense of longing as well. He wished to have met David, but circumstances had never been right.

He ran up the stairs and opened the door to her room. On her bed, she lay crying and hiding her face. Exer settled by her side, and helped her sit down. He gave her a warm and tight hug, trying to pour all his love on her. Brenda would never lose him. He was gonna stay and help her to a stable state.

“I’ll be the shoulder you can cry on.” He whispered, and she nodded erratically. He kissed her forehead as she held him tighter. “Things will get better. You’ll always have me, Bren.” She closed her eyes and inhaled, calmed by Exer’s presence. Brenda trusted Exer with her being. She was gonna be alright, as long as she had her love next to her. The comfort and the reassurance warmed her very being on that cold night.

But the past was shattered by reality. Brenda opened her eyes, clutching her heart through her chest.

He left you as well.

You stupid girl.

Brenda looked at the old vanity dresser. Even if the mirror was blurry and dirty, she could still see her face.

But it didn’t feel like her anymore.

Perhaps, the next thing she would lose is her mother, or even her mind.

Forever love you, David. I temporarily loved you, Exer. And I’ll never love you, William.

~~~

Christine was baking some cookies. It was a cold day.

She looked out of her house’s window. The streets were abandoned, and many houses were on sale. It was the depressing truth. Kingsmont was doomed to be left behind some day, just not yet. The neighbourhood was eerily calm, something she had gotten used to on days like these. Upstairs, she could faintly hear the sound of music playing. Since she had taken her daughter in after the divorce, Christine tried her best to help her. But she knew how much this situation resembled David’s disappearance.

David, my son..

What Christine didn’t tell her, afraid to fragilize her, was that she had gotten in contact with David. A long time ago, she had gone to visit Exer and Brenda, nearly 2 months before the divorce. She was walking with the two through the busy streets of the Texan city, when a gut feeling told her to investigate a certain building. She excused herself and wandered off, presuming her daughter could use some alone time with Exer. The woman walked through the automatic door and analyzed the lobby, looking for clues. She wasn’t sure about what she was searching for, but at the same time.. She had an instinct.

At the same time, she could faintly hear the sound of the elevator’s doors open. It came from an open white door. That must be the hallway in which they are, probably. Not very relevant, though.

Soft music played in the background. Weirdly enough, the world seemed to slow down. What was going on? It must be an effect of age. I better visit a doctor soon, Christine murmured. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. Brenda and Exer were probably waiting. She had to go back. But couldn’t.

Christine heard some voices coming from the hallway. Two familiar voices.

“..Maybe it’s time to give yourself some time. Take a break, son.” Unmistakably, it was an older man’s voice. Around his 50’s or early 60’s. It sounded soft and comforting, as if he was giving advice. Her eyes were fixed on the voice’s source. A pair of steps echoed through the room. Christine walked towards that obscured hallway, curious to see, when..

Doctor Harry, the source of the aiding voice, stepped through the threshold. His eyes widened, seeing his son’s mother-in-law. However, someone else walked out from there.

A pile of papers fell on the ground, dropped by that someone.

…

M-Ma..?

David had paled considerably. He held his hands up to shoulder height, trembling and shaking. His eyes were wide and he didn’t move, not even after the pile made noise on impact. The world shifted bruscally to the moment. The song in the background never stopped playing, not even after the world itself stopped. A tear slipped from his eyes, which were already puffy. David had been suffering long before this.

A gasp escaped from her lips. She was equally as affected by this sudden reunion. Christine gripped her heart, before running to her son. David came back from his shock and shut his eyes tightly, hiccuping and sobbing. She threw herself onto him, hugging him tightly and lovingly, showing her longing for her son with this desperation. David, in return, grabbed onto her, latching into his mother, crumbling. His knees gave out and he stumbled backwards, Thankfully, Harry held him. He huffed from the effort, but managed to avoid the fall. They sobbed and cried together. Thankfully, the lobby was empty. Everyone had gone home.

And it seems like a part of home came to David as well.

From that day on, they started to text and message in secret. David talked about his vast insecurities, his career and life after the incident. She sighed in relief when she discovered he managed to get out of his house at 20 years old instead of having to wait for a few more years. All thanks to an old friend who managed to find him in university, as they luckily pursued the same dreams. He told her his name was Brad. She could only faintly recall him, and hoped deeply to one day find this man who saved her son from his father’s claws. A hero, in her eyes.

Doctor Harry Campbell had never told David about his son. Christine presumed he did, and never touched on that topic. If she had, who knows how this story would have unfurled, but the ending surely wouldn’t have been the same..

And two months later, came the divorce. David wanted to reach out as soon as he discovered, but his mother, wise and caring as always, advised him to wait. She was in a bad state of mind, and Christine wasn’t sure if it would be a good idea to make her feel even more.. vulnerable.

Now, in the present, David sends a message while Christine bakes her cookies. She wanted to make a few sugary treats for her daughter, wanting to revive her lively and cheery self from this depressed, weary state. It was a big preoccupation, and it hurt her soul, deeply..

Her eyes widen as she registers what has been said. The tray of neatly arranged dough collapses and echoes a metallic “clank!” noise. Just when things could not worsen..

David is attending Exer..?

Chapter Text

hey yall!! So, just to clear things up, my vacation started on june 28th. Since then, ive been busy but also rlly lazy. Ive been spending time at my grandmas, and i only like to write at home.. so, unfortunately, you may (much probably) be without chapters until august...

but i also have good news! The plot is ready, and now that i have all the ideas written down, the story will be more organized. Also, the chapters are gonna be longerrr :))

I hope you understand this isnt on purpose!! Im just lacking motivation and im pretty much on writer's block (if that even exists lol)

thank you for your patience!!

-penumbrasmistress

Chapter Text

well..

IM BACK!!

sorry for the long ass wait, my computer was on the verge of breaking down. Now that its fixed, im gonna continue both this and the oneshot series!! Obviously, this one is getting more attention tho. The plot is done so the only thing i need to do is write, which is probably the hardest to do. My schedule is very busy, and im lazy as hell, so i might not keep my promise (posting every saturday.)

IMPORTANT NEWS!!

1. Im pretty sure this fanfic can be finished until october, or in early november!! Now that David is getting his Valentine's gift, i finally feel happy, and when i feel happy, its time to write angst :D Stay tuned, since the first chapters are getting rewrites before i publish the last chapter ;v

2. I have another plot being writen!! If i feel like i can nail a more traumatic topic, you might get probably the first person x dead lover ghost Dexer fanfic, or a siren x captain au.. Who knows?

3. Theres a high chance ill stop upploading chapters to the oneshots for a while. Id rather focus on this one!!

4. This isnt news, but i just wanted to tell yall that english isnt my native language, so youll see some weird writing sometimes. I get a lot of words with P, D and T wrong :(

AND THATS ALL!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCEE

-penumbrasmistress

Chapter Text

Some long but brighter weeks pass by in the blink of an eye. Time is remedy.

It’s another long day of work for Exer. Being a manager, as much as it comes with perks, comes with cons as well. Weary, both physically and emotionally, he tidies up the place one last time before ending the day.

The blinds are shut but the sunlight still peaks through certain spots, shining on the dark wooden floor. Exer moves almost with grace across the smooth ground, mopping as he goes on. The radio hums while he concentrates on his task, forgetting all about time and work. He doesn’t realize, but he is slowly getting lost in his little world. It’s almost as if time stops, leaving him alone with his thoughts, which weirdly enough, aren’t threatening to spiral.

Therapy with David, slowly but surely has been lifting his spirits. The once lonely and depressed man has been gaining control over his life. The light coming from beyond the glass door was a metaphor for his situation, where his barriers are finally fading and his spirit is feeling lighter. It’s so good to finally feel happy..

He catches himself dancing. A habit David encouraged, and that he deeply felt connected to. Losing himself to the music and calm, everything feels a little less complicated. When he dances, he no longer sees Brenda, only himself. Loneliness, and acceptance. The grief is almost null, but that doesn't mean it's gone, David had told him.

Funny enough, Michael Bublé seemed to hear his thoughts and let his romantoc voice through the radio. Another love ballad, an ironic dig into Exer’s intrusive thinking and wishing for love. Company, romancing, and mutual adoration… The only thing Exer wanted was to be dancing with somebody. Someone who could show him love at times he felt like a monster.

All he can see when he closes his eyes is love. Someone who cares and reads him with ease, using all that knowledge for his good. A naturally pleasant and graceful talker, who had a way with words and handled things with care and the best of intentions. The one who has him going forward, hoping and wishing for a forbidden fruit. Exer can’t deny it anymore.

Throughout his teenage years, Exer had always felt subtly drawn to the idea of getting to know another man. Of course, it was the 80’s, so it was *wrong*. But temptation is temptation.

He feels the same way he once felt when falling for Brenda. It’s a feeling you can’t explain, because it’s so vivid. You’re meant to live the moment where your breaths become more like long sighs, where a simple slumber can turn into a lovely dream and desires you never knew come to life. This is how he feels for the second time. But for someone else.

Love is his therapy.

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The front door is unlocked slowly. Harry, who was settled on the stool and drinking some of his usual coffee, was surprised by the sight of his son. He hadn’t seen Exer for a good while after he started his therapy. And he could see.. Improvement. Lots of it, actually. He was glowing!

The older man set his coffee mug on the table and stood up. He ran a hand through his hair and had a huge smile on his face. It felt so refreshing to see Exer, who had been grieving his relationship so profoundly, look so relieved and alive again. Harry walked until he was in front of him, waiting patiently for Exer to lock the door. The other shut the door and turned to look at his parent with a small smile displayed on his face. It made Harry even prouder.

“Dad… Hey.” Exer exclaimed, stepping forward. His arms came around and he hugged Harry tightly. He held him close for a few moments, relishing in the comfort and familiarity of being with his father. Harry reciprocated the touch and gladly returned the hug, running a hand through Exer’s ever so messy curls. Exer pulled away and took a step back, scratching the back of his neck. “Sorry for coming here out of the sudden.. I wanted to talk to you. Don’t tell me you are leaving right now.” He fidgeted, unnerved by the possibility.

Harry just smiled and crossed his arms. “No, Exer. I’m not planning on going anywhere. I’ll always have time for you, even when you come unannounced.” He grinned and chuckled, ruffling Exer’s hair again, earning a soft “stop” from him. He looked amused. “Alright then..” Exer chuckled, before going silent. The room was quiet for a while. It wasn’t exactly awkward, no. Exer had something to say, and Harry could clearly feel that. The father raised an eyebrow, and gestured for Exer to settle on a stool as well. “Let’s talk, son. You look worried.”

Exer looked at the kitchen, and then at his father. He started walking over, setting down on a stool. After making himself comfortable, he looked up just in time to see Harry come by and sit as well. He leaned a bit forward, resting his left forearm on the marble counter. His father in turn leaned forward and crossed one leg over the other, interested. He scratched his beard, eyeing Exer with both suspicion and curiosity.

He felt like his father could see through him. He needed to work on his transparency better, Exer thought.

“So.. I.. I have a few topics I really wanna discuss with you.” He looked away. “First.. I’m still really sad over the divorce.” Exer sighed and looked into his father’s eyes, his previous light dimming by a load. Harry looked like he already expected that to come up.

“Well.. You already look a lot better, son.” Harry noted. “What exactly bothers you? Let’s pinpoint that.” Exer wondered a bit before replying, a bit lost. “I don’t know exactly.. I’ve been taking David’s advice to try and get my mind off things like that. To be honest, what really bothers me is that.. I’m still upset with how I treated her, y’know? I feel like a jerk.” Harry raised his eyebrows. Because of two things.

Firstly, Exer was talking like he hurt Brenda. If that was true was a whole different question.

And secondly, he referred to his therapist by his name. So Exer does care about therapy, huh?

“How so?” He asked with doubt. Exer’s honey glazed eyes darted around the room. His leg bounced a bit and his hand clasped his own hair. He was nervous. “Well.. When the arguments started-”

“Actually, you never told me *why* they started, Exer.” Harry interrupted him quickly. He turned wary. “Have you..” “No! No.. I’d never hurt Brenda, dad. I swear.” Exer looked panicked, alarmed by the accusation. “It’s.. It’s something else. Really.” Harry’s eyes gleamed with curiosity. “What is it, then?”

“Dad.. I..” Exer sighed. He crossed his arms. “This is gonna be really unexpected. Always remember that.. I’m your son, you know that?” Harry looked ticked off. This was gonna be really bad. Doom crossed his face. “Exer.. Why all of this talk? Of course I love you, son. Nothing will change that-” “I think I like men.”

“You.. Like men?” Harry looked shocked. He would have never guessed. Exer always had such a chivalrous and charming attitude, and here he was, telling him it might have never been a show exclusively for one gender. But it’s what they say: Life never stops bringing surprises and twists to make things interesting, he quoted that once to Exer.

“Yes. I do, Dad. And we have an even bigger problem.” Exer’s nails dug into his caramel skin. More news? Lord…

“Wait, Exer.” Harry reached out and placed a warm, comforting hand on Exer’s shoulder. His son looked up and stared right into his eyes without breaking eye contact. Harry stared back at Exer with all the love in the world inside his caring and therapeutic gaze. He tilted his head and smiled at Exer. A stray tear slipped down the youngest’s face.

“I’ll always love you. That’s a vow I make upon all that I have.” Exer’s eyes widened. Harry continued. “Son, you’re all I have. The day I lost your mother was hard, but becoming a single father was harder. But I never gave up on you. I always wanted to construct the best of lives for you. Who you are today is what makes me proud of being *human*.” Exer was emotional at this point. He looked struck by all this care and appreciation. “Being a homosexual won’t ever change a thing. Love is love, Exer. I always taught you that, and I will stand by my words. You, my son, have all my support and luck. Gay or not, you’ll always be my boy.”

“Dad..” Exer croaked hoarsely. His hands were shaking and he was trembling as a whole. Harry stood up and stopped before Exer with an inviting smile. He opened his arms wide, smiling softly. The other rose up in an instant and threw himself into his arms, crying and shaking. His arms encircled and gripped at Harry tight, refusing to let go. Exer himself was burying his face in his father’s chest like a little kid.

“It’s okay to find love with people we don’t expect.” He whispered soothingly. “But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.” Exer broke down even further. His father was so loving. In these moments, he felt again like a teenager unable to face his problems and lashing out at himself. In those moments, his father would always appear, be it out of thin air, and talk to him. In those moments, the loneliness of not having a best friend ached in his heart. Exer was known by everybody and loved by all, but was there someone out there he felt like he could share secrets with? Not exactly. Yes, he had Brenda, his girlfriend, but no one had ever matched his energy.

Except..

“There’s something I need to confess. And I know for real this time that you won’t like it.” He hiccuped as he spoke, and his breath hitched as he admitted his need to confess the desire that has been killing from inside out. A curse that had been infringed by the person he least expected, who managed to melt his heart and penetrate all those barriers he set up. The one who got him in a chokehold, but the most gentle and loving one possible. Around him, he felt like an asthmatic.

“Dad..” Exer turned to look into his eyes. He looked heartbroken, but also caught by cupid. Harry knew this confession would be the most romantic and horrifying thing he ever heard. He held his son’s hands, attempting to stabilize him. But after hearing the truth, he was the one who had to be stabilized.

“I’m falling for my therapist.”

—----------------------------------------------------------------- —---------------- —----- —------- —--- — – –

Meanwhile, in a household not so far away, Christine Miller combed her silvery blonde hair. She put on some dark lipstick and sighed, resting her hands on the sink’s counter. She looked into the mirror, seeing the confusion and helplessness in her own gaze. Today, she was going out with her son to a nearby diner. Christine wondered if David was as worried as her, because this situation was getting sticky for sure.

She wasn’t wearing anything too glam or fancy. Christine settled for a cotton white long sleeved shirt with a black leather vest over it and jeans pants, along with her usual dark red lipstick and her favorite heels: a pair of high brown clogs. She twirled around a bit and decided to go with this outfit. The worried mother left the bathroom and shut the door gently with a click, turning around to see Brenda standing there. The daughter looked gloomy as always ever since the divorce. Christine sighed and in hurried steps crossed the room to hug the depressed girl.

“Brenda, sweetie..” She pulled away, taking Bren’s hands in her own, running a thumb over the back of her hand. Christine had that sad look, with her eyelids drooped in exhaustion and worried lines contouring her face. She tilted her head and held a sad smile. “I’m going out tonight. I have some.. Matters to discuss. If you feel like you need anything, just call alright? My pumpkin..” She pulled her close once more, resting her head on top of the ginger’s. Brenda herself sighed tiredly and leaned on her mom, just as tired. Little did she know, Christine was going out to meet the brother she never thought would ever be heard of again. This situation was a tangle of different lives, hidden truths and white lies. Christine met her son after years, but couldn’t tell her daughter because she was in a fragile state after a divorce, and said ex husband is her long lost twin’s patient? That is a truly horrible thing to keep to yourself. In these times, she herself wished for some therapy.

“Okay, ma.” Brenda whispered tiredly. Her voice was weak and she was wobbly. She was far from the brilliant and radiant woman, full of creativity and life. Her future almost seemed bleak, and the world looked blurry in her eyes. Christine couldn’t ever fathom what she was going through. She was scared of doing as little as leaving Brenda for a full day. Her mental state was like a swing; going back and forth, higher and higher. “See you later. Please, don’t leave for too long.” Christine kissed her cheek. “I wouldn’t ever dream of that, sweetheart. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

—----------------------------------------------------------------- —---------------- —----- —------- —--- — – –

The night was beautiful outside. Stars were sparkling brightly in Kingsmont’s skies, and the moon was glowing in a mesmerizing yellow hue. The dark blue was lit up by all of the galaxy’s members in unison, forming a depiction deserving of a painting, exposed to millions.

The diner itself was a retro establishment. It had one of those glowing neon signs outside. It was a rectangular building with brick walls and a transparent door, revealing the colorful inside of the restaurant. The walls had geometric figures such as pentagons and triangles of neon colors, mostly purple, yellow and light blue. The wallpaper itself was a dark blue that contrasted the wine red booths and their grey smooth stone tables. Lights in the shape of bolts hung in the ceiling, emitting a bright yellowish glow to the atmosphere and aesthetic. The kitchen was in the back, and the main salon consisted of those booths over the place. Families, teenagers and even couples laughed and shared drinks, told stories and marveled over the fun and electric atmosphere. 80’s music played, ranging from rock bands to lead pop singers and even reggae. Children went around, earning complaints from parents and an elderly couple tucked in the right side of the stalls, and tables of 8 from one time to another roared with laughter. The waiters and waitresses were dressed in your typical retro dinner clothes, with a red and white color palette. They went around in roller skates, drifting with skill from table to table.

At the dinner, David’s anxiety was spiking up. His nerves were high and he felt like he was still unsure of the conversation that was gonna happen here. He himself wasn’t a very stable person, so this was surely gonna take a toll on him. Thinking about that, he chose to get a hidden booth right in the back of the place. His leg bounced up and down and he held his head in his hands, worsening by the minute. What if this all went wrong? Had he made a mistake?

The dish he ordered arrived. He barely had time to thank the waiter before he drifted off. David thought he looked familiar. He could faintly recognize him.. Might it have been the same boy he went out with all those years ago? No, he is being delusional. But Brad did skate. *They* went skating. But they haven’t talked ever since David left Brad’s flat…

David’s eyes went teary. He was so tired. All he wanted was to move on from the past, to forget life in Kingsmont existed. The pain was too great. And summed up with his current situation? It 's even worse. He was falling again.

He mentally slapped himself, trying to will himself to stay calm. He couldn’t panic right now, not with his mother coming to their first proper reencounter after years, and with the conversation he would have to hold with her. There were so many things to talk about, but David had no idea of where to start from. He wished this could be a calm conversation.

The diner’s entrance bell dinged loudly. David lifted his head and looked over the booth’s wall. He felt his heart beat pick up significantly, and sweat ran down his forehead. The familiar anxiety that has been haunting him for the past years crept up slowly, filling his thoughts with negativity and a paranoid pessimism. There she was. A little older than he remembered, but still her.

Christine strode down the slim “corridor”, her steps following a fast pace. David mentally prepared himself before standing up and walking to meet her halfway there. She met David with a tight hug and received incoherent apologies.

“Pumpkin.. You look terrible, dear.” She cupped his cheeks with her warm and comforting hands. David looked at her for a brief second before trying to dart his attention to something else. Whenever he felt nervous, he usually avoided the other person’s gaze by focusing on other things. Such as..

Christine’s nails.

They were pretty and polished looking, the color of her lipstick. A dark red that shone under the lights of the bolt lamps, nearly sparkling. His mom had always been fond of painting her nails and those self care things. He faintly remembers nights where he and Brenda were awake into the night. Christine would come with a bowl of popcorn and a bag full of skin care supplies. She would do Brenda’s nails as David watched, pondering if he himself could ask for some care. But he never had to speak up, since a person as readable as him would never pass an opportunity when cared for by Christine. She would cut his nails and complain about them being bitten. Friendly banter. David missed it so much..

His distraction was, once more, evident. Her eyes darted to David’s own hands. They were beautiful and slim, a gift from his mother’s side, but those nails.. They didn’t change. In fact, their damaged condition had worsened.

“David.. Let’s sit down.” She spoke as softly as she could. His eyes snapped away from her hands once he heard his name. He gulped and nodded slightly, taking her to the booth. He sat down opposite to his mother, settling on the comfortable sofa with lingering signals of stress and anxiety. His right leg bounced up and down under the table, foot nearly leaving the ground. His hands, which were settled on the table, were taken by Christine’s own. He nearly jumped at the sudden contact, being driven away from his inner thoughts once more. Staring at her eyes, he could see the evident worry and concern for him. It seeped through, transforming the carefree atmosphere into something more gloom and depressed.

“I can see you’re not doing well. I’ve never seen you so quiet, pumpkin..” Christine started, torn. “You were so much more than this. What has that monster done to you?” She shook her head, indignant. David sighed, not able to find the words to reply. Truth was, even he didn’t know. William took the life out of him. He didn’t know his personality, how his laugh sounded, nor who to rely on. He had been alone, surrounded by people who loved him but that he always takes for granted. Mom, Brenda, Brad, friends from Jeannes..

“We can go deeper on that some other day.” He suggested wearily. It was clear that he wasn’t ready to talk about the past despite how long ago that was. He should have recovered from the blow and from the pressure of that time, but he never truly felt free after all those incidents. He felt safer being abused than safer alone. “I wanted to talk about.. Something else.”

“Please do.” Christine nodded, agreeing reluctantly. David’s mental state was a concern of hers, but she was willing to push it aside. She also had something in mind, and her gut told her they might be thinking of the same thing. “Is it about.. Exer?” She voiced her name with something near disgust but also disappointment. Exer was a sweet boy, yet had torn Brenda’s heart apart.

“Yes, momma.” David chewed on his lip. “I.. You saw my message.” He looked at the table, bracing himself for this talk. He had lots to dump on her, and wasn’t sure if she would be able to handle it. Christine tilted her head in the slightest to the side, carrying a saddened look in her eyes. “Well.. I want to tell you that, I never knew who Exer was prior to all of this. Fath- He never let me meet him and, consequently.. Yeah. I got into this situation.” Her eyes flared at the mention of Him. Her grip on his hand tightened and a fierce hateful flare burned there. It was almost as if her very own soul had been hurt at the reminder of that horrible man. “William is always involved.” She caressed David’s hands gently, getting her mind off the monster she once married. “I can’t believe I dated that..” Christine shook her head, unable to form words. Frustrated, she signaled with her head for David to keep going. Her shoulders slumped down.

“Sessions with him have been calm. For now.” David continued. “Exer seems really regretful. He loved Brenda. I don’t know why the divorce though. Has she told you anything?” “No, not at all. Brenda is closed off.” Christine commented with worry. Being a mother must be exhausting, especially when dealing with her daughter’s personal life’s problems.

“Brenda.. How has my sister been?” He spoke with remorse. His voice was a shaky whisper at this point. He was touched by the fire in her eyes. David felt.. Heard. His heavy weight felt shared for a fleeting second. All that burden that he had been carrying for so long felt lighter suddenly. Appreciation bloomed with warmth in his chest. The pointy thorns of poisonous ivies that had been strangling him retraced, giving way to a lone flower to bloom right there over his heart. A small but pretty Hydrangea. It lifted his spirits just slightly, but enough to let him breathe. When he speaks his next words, things will crash down once more.

“Brenda has been horrible. Unresponsive, lonely and depressed. She barely leaves her room.” Christine looked down, avoiding his gaze. David could see the confusion, the despair and even guilt in her eyes. “She’s changed, David.. Just like you.” The previous tremors came back. David’s fingers twitched. “You both look so different, act so differently.. But because of the same thing. Men with bad blood.”

“I don’t know what to do anymore.” She clutched her head with one hand and leaned on the table. A tear strayed down her cheek as she sighed and closed her eyes. “Do I force her to interact with people? Help her look for a therapist? A job too? I’m so scared, pumpkin.. I love you both so much, I’m losing you two slowly..” She opened her eyes and gazed at him. A mixture of fondness and desperation.

“Mom..” David reached out and held her hand with both of his own. He could see the surprise in her eyes. It was his turn to help her. “We are in difficult times. All Brenda needs is time to process that.. Sometimes, true love isn’t romantic.” Christine looked puzzled by David’s attempt at comfort. Nevertheless, she anticipated his next phrase with curiosity. “I.. I can assure you.. You are her true love, ma. You always side with her and stand by her. You can’t see it, but she must be so grateful.. You’re her pillar, her everything. She would be in the streets right now.” More tears came. That ever so fierce and composed image was crumbling, and the pressured woman revealed her inner feelings. Each tear was a cry for help, a fraction of her troubles being released. David himself cried a bit too, affected by her moment.

“David.. Oh, dear. This is why you’re a therapist.” She spoke with immense gratefulness. And David could feel that lone hydrangea grow a little bit more. He could imagine those pretty petals forming around his hardened broken heart. He felt mended and partially cured. This is truly what he gets from being a therapist. Helping others brings him light. It brings him.. Life. It’s what makes him truly human, and not hollow.

“You’re right, mom. I live for these moments.” Unexpectedly, he smiled. That cloud of thundering angst made way for a brief ray of sunlight. “I hope you understand that.” That short, brief ray disappeared though. His beautiful smile, the one praised by so many school girls in the past faded as he prepared himself to touch the same topic again.

He leaned back against the booth, slumping back in defeat and hopelessness. “It's eating away at me. All I want is to end our sessions and find Brenda, establish myself and move past this. I can’t help but want to solve things though..” Christine’s eyes widened at the revelation. David always wanted to do more. “My job is to help fix those lives. These people are struggling so badly, ma.” David looked up at her with teary eyes. “It might be tearing me apart to betray Brenda like this, but it also hurts to let him go. You should’ve seen the look on his face..” He lifted his hands off the table and rubbed his eyes. David looked done. Everything was killing him: His job, all this guilt, his emotions, his past trauma.. He can’t move on. His life is garbage. He had huge eyebags, uncharacteristically messy and uncut hair, pale near anemic looking skin and soulless blue eyes. He was stripped of his charm and vibrance, replaced by a lack of radiance and light sucking doom.

Yet, Exer had seen something.

And he didn’t know it, but he saw something in him too. Light amidst all this negativity in his mind.

“You can’t solve every problem in the world, David.” Christine reached out herself, cupping his cheek. He leaned into her touch. She smiled. “You’re always so stubborn. It’s still in there.”

David felt hope at that moment. His eyes found hers and he felt her approval. She wasn’t angry at him for trying to ignore their conflict. She just wanted him to be happy and do whatever. David was free to make choices and live his life. That gave him the impulse he never thought he would get. He was going to help Exer get back on his feet, and himself in the way. Motivation overtook his thoughts and his anxiety slipped away in the face of positivity. This is why he is a therapist.

“I’ll get back up. So will my sister, so will Exer, and you too, mom.” David grinned. He nodded enthusiastically. Christine saw her little boy right there in front of her. The same David that had been so cheerful and hopeful in his childhood, lifting his friends up, tackling her in joy after winning the American football championship in Jeanes long ago, and the one that was so proud of being himself. Not William’s copy, but himself.

“You deserve happiness, David.” She reached out and entwined their hands, her fingers gently interlocking with his own. Christine squeezed, looking as hopeful. “This is the real you. And the David I know always gets better when I least expect it.” David squeezed back, looking emotional. He laughed softly, a melodical sound he had forgotten he was capable of producing for such a long time. There he was. Grounded, with no anxiety and the usual dark thoughts. He was hope, he was bright. David was the sun.

They wiped their tears and laughed. The gloomy atmosphere was no longer there. The energy of the diner seeped into their conversation, lifting them up and allowing a beautiful evening after their heartfelt reconciliation. The pain could be dealt with later. David threw his head back as he laughed, and he told stories he had forgotten from long ago. Christine shared moments and thoughts, curiosities, and questions about his life. David sipped on strawberry milkshake and munched on a cheeseburger as Christine told him more about the beauty of life.

Leaving was the hardest part. A kiss to the forehead, and she was gone. He stared into the distance as Christine left in a cab, waving from afar. His smile morphed into a more pensive expression. Now that their moment was over, David felt a familiar worry creep up in his mind. But this time, he wasn’t being paranoid. He was being rational, if anything. This situation was very complicated and delicate. A problem that had surged from a divorce was now David’s to fix, while his mother had to withstand and hold a secret from her own daughter so that they don’t reunite and completely destroy her, all the while David himself has yet to heal from the past. Could things be any messier?

But now, he was far too deep in this whole thing. David saw the way Exer looked at him.

The fear of growing attached was slowly giving into their bond. The bond David dreaded could become something more. He didn’t need more problems and relations, but Exer did. And who was he to deny? There is beauty in pain. Something in the way Exer gazes at his hands, the way his eyes pierce his heart every time, and the way his hands start to tremble when he stands too close scream “problems!”. But David could care less. It was in his genes. Carefree.

This is for his dear patient, and David’s own wounded heart. Comforting.

David is the sun for those who need him. He won’t back down. A saviour, a bundle of sunshine and somebody to lean on. A positive boy with charm and love for others, one who is determined and stronger than he thinks. Charisma.

So, he calls a number he’s gotten used to typing on his phone. He lifts it to his ear and waits for his father figure to pick up. Drops start to pour down, and the rain taps against the asphalt, creating an irregular but beautiful and soothing rhythm. Yet, it doesn’t thud harder than David’s heart against his ribcage. The wait is brief, and David already knows his speech. He rehearsed his words since they left the diner.

“Who is this?” Harry’s voice comes through the device. David doesn’t know whether to confess what he’s thinking already or just go with his plan. The temptation is high, but he holds himself back. Patience, David, he reminds himself. The timing must be perfect, and not just a random phone call on a Saturday night. “Doctor Harry here.” David sighs, trying to stabilize his voice.

“Harry.” David answered nervously, trying to hide the emotions that latch onto his words. Harry was important to him, and he was surely very fond of him, yes, but at that moment, he chose to not dump his feelings onto him. He did that many times, at almost every time possible, but right now, a conversation with no breaking down is the best choice. “Could we meet? As early as possible, it’s important.” He hummed.

The older man thought from the other side of the phone, contemplating this sudden request. David had needed him a few times, but this time, the slight hitch in his voice and unusual nervousism conflicted him. He briefly glanced at his agenda and then, at Exer, who was sitting next to him on the couch, eating the popcorn they made to watch a movie. “Of course, son.” His eyes drifted across his schedule, looking for a free spot. “Would 4pm next Wednesday be suitable for you?” “Of course. Thank you so much.” David replied quickly. “Thank you. Love you, dad.”

Harry looked surprised at how quickly the call ended. David usually spoke more, but. He couldn’t judge him. He sounded breathless and almost as if confused. What could this possibly be about? Anything was possible when it came to David and his complex life.

“Dad?” He was snapped out of his thoughts by his son, Exer. He laid sprawled across the couch lazily hugging a bucket of popcorn as ‘Back to the future’ played on the television. “Everything good?” Harry ran a hand through Exer’s hair, smiling. “Yes, son. Everything’s alright. Now, let’s get back to our bonding moment, shall we?” Exer scoffed and chuckled. “That’s a funny name.” He laid his head on Harry’s lap, seeking his comfort. The wise adult laughed and ran a hand through his son’s unruly curls, forgetting all about David right now. He had missed Exer greatly, and was going to make the most of it out of this moment.

Show him, perhaps, the beauty of life.

Chapter Text

The moon goes down and the sun goes up.

It’s another bright morning like usual in David’s lonely apartment. He is woken up by the blinding light coming from his windows, an annoying reminder that he couldn’t just laze around. After all, he has a whole day to go. He groans and reluctantly opens his eyes, throwing his blanket off himself and searching for his slippers with his foot. Once he finds them, he wearily gets off the bed, not bothering to even fix the pillows. Recently, his lack of motivation and depressing mindset has been preventing him from doing the most basic of tasks. It’s nearly useless to try and convince himself to wash the dishes.

He runs his hands through his messy hair. In his teenage years, he used to be vain and stylish. Now, he can’t bring himself to care as much. David’s confidence and colorful wardrobe were no longer. If his old self knew about his current situation, he would have freaked out for sure. That silly thought made him smile briefly, but it didn’t last much.

David walked to his bathroom. The door was full of colorful post-it notes with inspirational quotes. They didn’t do much to help him though. He opens the door with weariness and walks in, avoiding the mirror at all costs. One glance at himself and he’ll go down that dark place, thinking about who he could have been. These ‘ifs’ and ‘maybes’ plagued David’s early mornings, making him feel more miserable and upset at himself. Why, he no longer knew.

The bathroom was tidy for the most part. The floor’s board groaned and creaked as he stepped forward. leaning on the Karia Cream counter, reaching for his comb. Then, he kneeled and opened the cabinet, looking for the usual hair gel. Even in this state, David was still attached to his hair styling tools. The fashion and beauty obsessed side of his never left. It had only been suppressed.

As he ran the brush familiarly through his golden strands of hair, David found himself lost in thought once more. Time ticked by, but he didn’t stop. His dull eyes darted involuntarily to the mirror like always.

In that mirror, he could see the lack of soul in his stare. A cold front and a sad gaze he adopted from his years being isolated from others, suffocated by his father’s wishes and a result of lack of self love. The blue, once so vibrant and captivating, looked more like a solid wall of nothing. No emotion, nothing at all. His pupils were like black holes, consuming the shine and once radiance of David’s eyes. The starry palette of blues from light to dark were just dull. bland azure. Something that had once been so unique and dynamic was now drained of its authenticity.

All he wished for in those times was to go back in time. To experience what life should be. Colorful, full of opportunities, people to meet, reputations to keep.. Nowadays, it was just work and mourning. He was someone confused, who often lost track of things and stayed in the shadows. But when he was younger, he was in the spotlight. David starred in the halls of high school, getting winks, smiles and compliments. He was loved by everyone, and it was the best feeling in the world. He wondered if he could possibly become that young boy ever again. Maybe. Things can change with time.

His spiralling delusions didn’t last for too long thankfully. David moved on to brush his teeth, resuming his task: getting ready. Today was an important day for him, because he would finally let some of those feelings loose. Not having someone to rely on was harsh, he knew that, so he would never take Harry for granted. Harry was kind of his own psychologist, the one who helped him pursue this profession. David was about to graduate when he started looking for a therapist, and he found him just a city away. He sneaked out and visited him for an experimental session, and found himself vulnerable.

From that day forward, David was inexplicably drawn to him. Harry was the father he never needed. He was sweet, caring, and someone he could talk to. He always had time for his rants or what he considered “stupid” thoughts. David never got made fun of nor judged. Dr. Harry was the most comfortable person to be around that he ever met.

He decided to become a psychologist to try and understand human feelings. Along with wanting to help himself, David found light in others' joy. He started to see salvation and a way to lessen the pain by making these people happy. It was the best thing in the world, a career he fell in love with at first glance. And so, he found himself becoming this inspired person.

Late nights were often spent over at his house. David truly felt happy and accommodated in his arms. He was just a young man in search of joy and his purpose, and Harry was just a father at that moment. They had a strong bond, one that only family could have.

In his humble home, photographs littered cabinets, shelves and desks. Harry liked to keep track of past memories, and he was fond of every moment spent with his loved ones. And that fondness was what helped David figure out who Exer was really to him. His ex brother-in-law. In an innocent visit on a Tuesday, David noticed a picture of Exer while Harry cooked. While one hummed from the kitchen and didn’t have a care in the world, the other was confirming his suspicions. His patient was an ex relative. Uncertain of whether or not to tell the older man, David simply settled further into the couch, pondering what to do now.

Right now in his bathroom, David could recall the moment of realization vividly. They were in the middle of a session just talking normally. But as his sister’s name dropped from Exer’s lips, he struggled to form words and comprehend what he had just said. But his poker face thankfully didn’t fail, and Exer didn’t suspect a thing.

David finished his routine and got in the shower. He was still rehearsing what to say in his encounter with Harry. Today, he was going to let him know about a few things if his planning went successful. The most important, obviously, was to tell him about him and Exer’s connection. The second, well.. He was pretty sure Harry already suspected something of the type. Homosexuality.

He sighed helplessly. It was a difficult topic for a person like him. To be honest, David was almost sure he had commented something of the type with Harry. If not, then this will be it. He needs to get this off his chest..

But there’s something more. Something unprofessional.

One of the things that he feared the most was falling in love. It would be a tough punishment. His life was in shambles, and he couldn’t just simply find more problems. Especially if his interest was of the same gender. Or someone he was never meant to romance. But who are we when it comes to our hearts?

He buried his face in his hands and shut his eyes tightly. All he wanted to do was disappear. Yet all his heart wanted was him right next to him. It had been only a few sessions, yes, but it was love at first sight. Messy curls deserving of love and caresses, warm eyes that melted his hardened heart, and teary cheeks he wished to cleanse. He wanted to make him laugh and cry in joy.

At the same time, this guilty desire was followed by his father’s disdainful words. His hate and beliefs, the way he dragged David to church the very next day and “cured” him.. How could he possibly fantasize about this while feeling so dirty? Before he knew it, he spiraled again. The tears crashed down in splatters and in a hurried torrent, killing David slowly. His life was so hard..

This was not just a crush. There was much more at play here. His love for his sister and for his job were at test. Was he truly loyal, or a slave to his emotions? He couldn’t admit nor would, but that second option fit him way better. He was bound to go through another tragedy once more.

Looks like love is in the air.

—----------------------------------------------------------------- —---------------- —----- —------- —--- — – –

He learned to drive, but not because he wanted to. He practiced in secret just to be able to escape during harsh nights. Now, it was just something he did regularly, but each time he gripped the wheel, he would remember.

Now, his mission was to head over to the place he called home: Harry’s house. David had just finished attending a patient at 3 then rushed over to the parking lot of his building. As he shut the door and started the ignition, his phone lit up with a message. He took it in his hands and saw who was texting him. His heart started beating faster.

David put the phone away and stared straight ahead. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He can’t talk to Exer right. Not in this anxious state. He’s already feeling the familiar tremors and that asphyxiating anxiety creeping up on him. He gripped the steering wheel tighter and started the car, thinking that drive might calm him a bit.

It did help, but barely. More messages rang out unevenly and irregularly on the phone. Seems like Exer really needed something from him, huh? Well, to his bad luck, David was occupied right now. His cheeks were flushed and his breathing was shallower than normal. Exer was making him feel conflicted.

On one hand, David wasn’t even denying it; he knew he was falling hard for Exer. But it's not that simple. On the other hand, he knew Exer was his patient, recently divorced AND his sister's ex on top of it all. It's surprising how David is so willing to go against his own morals, his fidelity to his sister and his professionalism for Exer. Love at first sight isn’t cute, it’s cruel. It traps you and makes you feel guilty on top of it all.

His concerns consumed his thoughts. It was hard to think straight, and even harder to focus, but David knew he had to drive responsibly. Pushing out all of his doubts, inner arguments and conflicting feelings, he kept his eyes glued to the road. Before he could even realize, he was already in the driveway. The path to Harry’s was engraved in his mind. He could get over there without thinking.

Like they agreed, Harry was waiting for him with a welcoming yet serious expression. Whenever David comes over, the cause of the visit can range over a hundred different things, but most of the time they don’t tend to be good. David parked the car next to Harry’s and exited it, walking towards his dear father. He practically jumped in his arms. Harry laughed a little, but immediately noticed David’s tremors.

“Son, welcome back.” He spoke in that comforting voice of his, hugging David as tightly. David sighed and melted in his arms, feeling at bliss finally. It had been a stressing day, but physical touch always made him fold. After all, David’s language of love was touching. He loved hugs and things of the kind. If he could, he would go around asking and giving free hugs. It was a desperate and silly thought, but not an unwelcome idea.

“Harry, dad.” David replied with relief after a few seconds of silence, having calmed down. He missed him greatly. “I missed you tons. I really need your help right now.” David’s voice grew softer, hinting at his inner conflict. It didn’t go unnoticed by the other, who simply nodded and ushered him inside. “Whatever it is, I’ll lend you a hand. You can always count on me.” They smiled at each other and walked inside the Campbell household.

The change in atmosphere was like a warm greeting. David felt himself calm down right after entering the familiar house. There were still some plates on the table. He wondered who came over prior to them. Right as if on cue, Harry laughed briefly and spoke up. “Excuse me for the mess. My son was here just before you arrived.” David felt a shiver run down his spine. He was thankful Harry was going to tidy the table and not paying attention to him. If he had been a little bit earlier.. Oh god.

“Your son huh?” David laughed awkwardly. Harry turned around with a raised eyebrow. That nervous tone of voice preoccupied him. He spared him a quick glance before turning around to remove the dishes from the dining table, fixing the tablecloth and pushing the chairs. He took a short trip to the kitchen before returning, finding David leaning against the couch back in an awaiting stance. As Harry came over, he perked up and ran a hand through his hair. He invited David to sit down and the other nodded, taking a seat on the couch next to Harry. The older man wiped his glasses shortly before focusing all of his attention on the young man. David gathered all his bravery and prepared himself for the upcoming dialogue, knowing the shocker he was about to spill. He crossed a leg over the other and clasped his hands together.

“Well..” David started slowly. Harry nodded, as if telling him to go on. “You must be thinking, why am I so awkward?” The other tilted his head, agreeing. Obviously, David’s slightly weird attitude hadn’t gone unnoticed. “This has to do with your son. Exer Campbell, the patient you indicated to me.” Harry leaned forward, intrigued. He rested his chin on the palm of his hand. “Correct, David. What does Exer have to do with your sudden visit?” Harry questioned. David rubbed his palms together and took a deep breath. How was he supposed to say this?

“Your son.. Is my ex brother-in-law.” Harry raised both eyebrows in surprise. “Are.. Are you absolutely sure, David?” He asked once more with uncertainty and worry. This story was only getting more and more interesting for him. “Has he ever talked to you about his ex wife? Brenda Miller?” David winced, predicting his answer. Why would Exer not talk about his wife? Of course, they had a brief marriage, but it was still a marriage either way. “Yes. Not so much often, but he would whenever he came over. Don’t tell me..” Realization dawned upon Harry’s face. He suddenly scurried off. David awaited awkwardly for whatever he was going to do. He heard quick steps dash to the second floor and sighed, slumping against the pillows.

Harry came back in a few minutes with a portrait in hand and widened eyes. It was a portrait of his sister, probably hidden amidst Exer’s old things. He lowered the portrait and took turns comparing it to David. He even cleansed his glasses again despite having done so not even 5 minutes prior to this confusion. Harry looked indignant and in utter disbelief, jaw nearly hanging open. He rubbed his forehead, shaking his head. “How had I never noticed? You two look so much alike..”

David met his eyes with a worried gaze. “This is why I came to talk to you.” Harry set the portrait down, sitting down slowly before the young therapist. “Exer mentioned my sister once. Name and all. That’s where I connected the dots and..” Harry stuttered and interrupted. “When.. When did you find out about.. this?” He looked away and ran a hand through his hair, guilty.

“On one of our first sessions.” David closed his eyes. “I didn’t know exactly at the time so I tried to not jump into conclusions. But around a month ago, he himself said it. The worst part is, he has no idea that I am her brother..” David buried his face in his hands, ashamed. Meanwhile, Harry was flabbergasted. He took a few breaths and spoke out. “Look, son..”

“I’m gonna be honest.” He started with a serious look on his face, setting his hands on his lap. “The most professional way to solve this is to have him stop seeing you.” David hung his head low, awkward. He felt bad for letting this continue instead of ending their sessions the moment he found out. But..

Something made him unable to.

“You shouldn’t keep secrets from him.” The continued. “Although, you two aren’t family. It’s not exactly inappropriate.” David lifted his head, surprised and intrigued by the statement. He was about to say something when Harry stood up. “It is your choice. If you prefer to stop, say it to him.”

“I don’t think I would like that.” David murmured, scratching the back of his neck. He realized what he said and looked regretful. In a flurry of words he stuttered an explanation while Harry took in the sight with wonder. “I- I mean.. I wouldn’t like to say it to his face. I’d sound mean.” He laughed it off, nervous. Harry just sighed and smiled.

“Well, I will talk to him.” David looked grateful and stood up as well. He hid the look of shame on his face with a grateful smile. It wasn’t about being mean. Pleased and relieved, David rushed into the older man’s arms familiarly and hugged him, leaning a bit down. He buried his face in his shoulder and smiled. “Thank you so much, Harry.”

Harry ran a hand through the blond’s hair, amused. David’s relief never failed to make him smile. To help such a troubled boy was an honor to him. He knew it would all come together soon. David truly deserved it after all. He had been by his side since he was his apprentice. David always went on about some “unrepayable debt” towards Harry, but the truth is, he never owed him anything. He just did things for David because he genuinely liked him.

“I.. I can talk more about the sessions. I want to.” David gulped. “I’ve come to a realization.. Since the first time I attended him. We could schedule it some other day.” He looked away briefly. Harry noticed the glance but didn’t comment nor push. This was enough for today.

“Anytime, son.” Harry grinned. He checked his watch and pulled away, realizing he would have a patient soon. “We better go. Wouldn’t want to keep any patients waiting, would we?” David walked away first, saying his goodbyes and rushing out of the house. When he did, he finally allowed a pensive look to cross his face. This situation was truly sticky, but it could have been worse. But he’s not too worried, since he knows he will easily get Exer to change his mind.

Right?

—----------------------------------------------------------------- —---------------- —----- —------- —--- — – –

Friday comes by quickly. David is neatly dressed like always as he arrives at the building. The glass doors slid open and he slipped through quickly, greeting the receptionist and walking to the elevator hall. His black shoes thud against the floor as he walks, helping David focus on the even rhythm of his steps instead of his upcoming session with Exer. He stood before the elevator, waiting for it to arrive, foot still tapping on the floor.

He could faintly hear the music from the lobby. He sighed and checked his watch. It was 15:43, just 17 minutes before Exer arrived. He knows his patient is very punctual, and it pleases him very much. Well, most things Exer does please him.

I shouldn’t think about that, he reprimanded himself. He was mentally slapping himself when the elevator dinging, signaling it arrived on his floor. He quickly got in, sliding in with hurry. David didn’t want to think right now. He should have an empty mind and plan his session.

He leaned against the wall after selecting the fifth floor. David crossed his arms, looking at the ceiling then at the mirror. David subconsciously fixed his hair slowly. He caught himself playing with the collar of his button up. Instantly, he froze and grew red all over. He clasped both hands together and lowered his head.

What am I even doing?

The elevator’s door opened on cue and an embarrassed David quickly stepped out. He huffed and shook his head, muttering distractedly. He briefly jogged through the halls, going to his consultory, but just as he was about to turn the corner, something made him stop. A gut feeling. He took a peak and his jaw dropped. Oh hell.. Hell yes.

Leaning against the wall was Exer himself. The young man was probably lost in thought, allowing David to compose himself. He was still pathetically clutching his heart through his chest, his pale face burning bright red. His blue eyes darted nervously, again, unconsciously checking him out.

Exer wore a vertically striped white and light brown button up. The first top button was undone, briefly showing a slice of his collarbone. For pants, he wore jeans with a belt. One hand was in his pocket, and the other was lifted. He was checking the time on his wristwatch, hence why his arm was lifted. Talk about that arm, it had some muscle for sure. David kept his intrusive thinking to himself and straightened up. This isn’t the time for that kind of thinking.

But Exer’s pretty.. Honestly, David couldn’t be any more shameless. That boy was handsome. A few of his dark curls fell on his smooth face, but he was completely unbothered. Those honey eyes, once so drained of positivity, were warm and lax. The contrast they made with his tanned brown skin just caused them to stand out even more. Each feature completed and complimented the other. He was a completely different person now; carefree, vivid and radiant, just the way he deserved to be.

David was just glancing at his upper body, stealing one look or another at his chest when he finally looked up. David froze instantly, nearly collapsing and letting the folder he was carrying fall to the ground. He didn’t seem to notice David’s slip and just smiled nonchalantly, unknowingly enticing the other even more.

“David.” Exer uncrossed his arms and took a step forward. David built up the courage and took the dread steps, stopping before his patient. Their height difference was small, consisting of only a few centimeters. David was thankful for being the tallest out of the two, because if he saw Exer staring down at him, he would feel shrunk into a little ant. He hoped Exer was oblivious.

“Exer. How do you do?” He smiled with a hint of nervousness, holding out his hand. David was waiting for Exer to complete the handshake when he stepped forward unexpectedly. A brief look of surprise crossed David’s face, but he didn’t have any time to react before Exer hugged him. His curls caressed his neck and face, leaving a pleasant sensation. His firm and warm embrace melted David from inside. He reciprocated for what felt like at least a minute. When Exer pulled away, he covered up with nervousness and placed a hand on his own hip. “You’re early today.” David noted, mentally pushing away the thoughts and leaning on his hip.

The other simply laughed, crossing his arms once more. They stared into each others’ eyes while they held conversation. The tension eased while they spoke and whenever they broke eye contact, but the silence after their words was a threat, breaking this delicate attempt and holding back all the emotion put behind each of David’s words.

They got along, too along for simply patient and therapist. It was too friendly, beyond casual and professionalism. David wondered how much longer he could keep pretending and averting his gaze from what he really wanted, and he also thought about an improbable but very real possibility.

All this heat and tension in the air.. It couldn’t be just him.

That unbuttoned collar couldn’t be a coincidence.

—----------------------------------------------------------------- —---------------- —----- —------- —--- — – –

Exer was just waiting, lost in thought. Checking the time, it read 15:44. He had arrived nearly 20 minutes before his session instead of the usual 5 minutes. He had parked in a rush and came inside in a rush, despite being early. You might be asking, why all of this panic?

Not panic.

But attraction.

He couldn’t deny it anymore. David was making a mess of him. The way he was so professional nearly bothered him, so he made it his mission to become closer to him. To get to know him better. Was he crazy? Yes, absolutely crazy, growing mad each time he thought about David’s eyes, his perfect face and pretty hair. He played with the collar of his button up and undid the first button distractedly, not even noticing what he was doing.

During sessions, he felt safe. He trusted David with his secrets and his thoughts, the stress of his job, regrets from the past and even photos of his cat, Lucy. He couldn’t deny, this behavior was truly uncharacteristically. All his teenage years taught him one thing: you play cool, wear what suits you best and do confidence. But around David, he was growing soft.

His presence made him think about Brenda and the past. He did love Brenda.. Or was he just forcing himself to? Has it always been genuine? They spent so many years together, from childhood to adulthood. But as time went by, he started noticing things. His compliments sometimes were a bit too shallow, he felt bored and.. Restricted. He couldn’t deny, he liked her deeply, but not on that soulmate level. Their moments weren’t as intimate and emotional as they should have been.. Was it his fault?

Exer sighed and ran a hand through his curls, not properly registering the elevator’s ding noise. He was lost in thought, wondering and thinking about the what-ifs. He couldn’t pinpoint why the sudden comparison he was holding between Brenda and..

David.

He looked up and saw him in all his glory. The sudden urge to impress and bring him in flared in his mind and chest. He held his chin high and played that confident act, resisting the want to stare tenderly. David was irresistible in Exer’s eyes. He liked to think of him as a pale beauty. He had a nice and sharp jaw, a pointy but cute nose, alluring azure eyes under those long lashes, that tidy but natural blond bunch of hair and that body. He was lean and snatched, slim and gorgeous. He had thin hands and smooth skin he savoured whenever he shook his hand..

He was elegant, effortlessly charming and radiant. His smile glowed like no other, and Exer felt like he was in a trace. David was so.. So.. Perfect..

He called his name and walked forward. He wanted David closer to him, eyes on him. Exer caught a fleeting glance at his own chest, but ignored it. Play it cool.

“Exer. How do you do?” There it was, that precious smile. The corner of Exer’s lips quirked up subtly. David’s voice was an enchanting phenomenon. It had an indescribable charm to it, with hints of gentleness and excited demeanor seeping through. He was always so positive and.. Again, perfect.

David’s pale and long hand stood there, stilled in the air. He wanted a greeting? Exer would give him said greeting. But not the one he expected. Acting on his impulses, he closed the distance between them and brought him in for a close hug. Those long limbs and fingers clutching his back were something he would never forget.

Pulling back, he noticed David altered his position, leaning on his hip. He was comfortable, it meant. Exer cheered internally, wondering how far he could get. He wasn’t thinking straight while David was next to him. That handsome blond, besides his father, was the only person who had heard him in a long while. He missed the friendly talk, life without worrying about reputations and just chilling in general. He had always been at the top, but never with the people he liked.

Being with David reminded him of a simpler life he could have lived. No extensive training for football championships back in the 80s, no nights trying drinks and smoking with the boys, and especially, no guilt and remorse for the rest of his living. He had been an asshole.

But right now, he wanted to change. And he would.

“You’re early today.” David smiled.

“I felt like it.” Exer replied genuinely and with a soft laugh.

As David rambled about something, Exer forgot what he was thinking about. All those dark thoughts were burned by the light in David’s eyes. Those familiar eyes. He felt it all over again. He let his guard tumble down for once and all, his walls worn down by the kind therapist. His gaze softened, and the image of Confident Exer was no more. Instead, he was finally himself, and at terms with the thumping against his ribcage.

“Do you want to start earlier?” David hummed. Exer nodded, at a loss for words. He had always been the talker.. But he realized he fit much more the listener position. He was staring at him in a way he couldn’t describe.

“Thank you, David.” Exer suddenly spoke just as David was unlocking the door. He turned around and stared at him, puzzled. “I feel like I’m a new person.”

They stayed in silence, staring into each others’ eyes. In that moment, his denying ceased, and he accepted the truth. It wasn’t just his appearance. It was.. Everything.

“You can always count on me, Exer.” David smiled fondly. It was real.

He walked inside and invited Exer in. With a shy smile, he wandered inside that familiar consultory. He took a step and stood under the threshold, admiring him from behind. With an amused chuckle, David turned around once more.

“C’mon, silly. Gone static?” David teased.

The bright light from the outside sun crossed the blinds and made him look ethereal.

“Oh, shut up.” Exer laughed and closed the door, crossing the room and sitting down on that velvety sofa. As they talked, time passed by. He could go hours like this, just letting himself be vulnerable. Talking about his problems and being soothed by David, either by his voice or the way he would clasp Exer’s hands between his own knowing he was a fan of physical touch.

The clock struck 17:00, signaling their session was over. But they didn’t realize, and kept on talking. Talking, talking, talking forever. The minutes drift by, but Exer can’t will himself to go away. The bliss from being in his company was making him feel like he was walking on clouds. David’s topics were random and sometimes even silly, but it would never annoy him. He would listen, regardless of what David had in mind. He wanted to hear his voice.

Both kept secrets from each other and were unaware. One hid a dark past and a complex web of relations and insecurities, all behind a thin veil of professionality. The other hid his true self and struggled to step down from a throne he placed himself on, but was slowly softening, bit by bit, step by step. Yet, they both had something in common.

You’re becoming everything to me.