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“I need you to tell me that I’m not going insane.” Eddie pushes inside the door as soon as he arrives and immediately starts pacing the living room.
Maddie stares at him from where she still stands next to the door, bewildered. “Um, hi, Eddie,” she says slowly. “Chim isn’t here, but he should be home in—”
“No,” Eddie cuts her off and stops pacing. “I’m, uh. I’m actually here to talk to you.”
Maddie blinks. “Me?”
Eddie swallows. “Yeah.”
Eddie knows it’s a little weird. He and Maddie are friends, or at least friend ly , but they’ve never really hung out. Or had a conversation without Buck or Chim around. They weren’t close, but Eddie hoped she would still hear him out.
“Okay,” she says, still speaking slowly, like Eddie is a feral cat she’s trying to approach. “What’s going on?”
“I feel like I’m going crazy,” he blurts out. “I can’t—Everytime I—” He stops, takes a deep breath, and meets Maddie’s eye. “I fucking hate Buck’s new boyfriend and it seems like I’m the only one who does so I came to you to find out if I’m going crazy or if he actually really sucks but no one wants to talk about it.”
Maddie’s jaw had dropped about halfway through Eddie’s word vomit, and now she was staring at him with an unreadable expression, trying not to smile. “Why don’t we sit down,” she says, motioning for Eddie to sit on the couch. He does. “Do you drink tea?”
“Got anything stronger?” He says weakly. She fixes him with the—apparently universal, Sophia would be thrilled—Big Sister Stare, and he ducks his head. “Tea will be fine.”
Maddie nods and goes to the kitchen. Eddie sighs and runs his hands through his hair. He feels vaguely nauseous.
Maddie returns a few minutes later, two cups of tea in hand. “Careful, it’s hot,” she says as she passes Eddie his mug. She settles into the chair next to the couch, pulling her feet under her and setting her eyes on Eddie. “So. You hate Jesse.”
Eddie feels his mouth twist down at the mention of his name and sets his mug down on the coffee table to cool. “So fucking much,” he grits out.
“Why?”
“That’s the thing! I don’t know!” He groaned, leaning back into the couch and looking up at the ceiling. “At first I thought it was because they got together so soon after Bobby died, but I don’t know.”
---
“Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Eddie looked up from his dinner when Buck spoke. “If this is about the damn moon, Buck, I swear—“ he huffed, having just endured a full 24 hour shift from hell with Buck talking about the moon the entire time. Buck laughed and shook his head.
“No, no, I’m serious.” He was laughing, but there was a slightly nervous edge to it. Eddie sat back in his seat and kept his eyes on Buck, giving him his full attention. “I, uh…” Buck started, then cleared his throat. “I’m seeing someone.”
Eddie blinked, surprised. He had heard nothing of this. “Okay,” he said slowly. “You’re seeing someone? Are you sure you’re…ready? For a relationship?”
It had been about six months since Bobby died. Though everyone was still grieving, things had regained some sense of normalcy. Or at least, they were adjusting to their new normal. But with how hard Buck had taken Bobby’s death, how he’d spiraled, Eddie hadn’t thought that Buck would feel like he could handle a new relationship.
An unpleasant feeling started to grow in the pit of Eddie’s stomach. He frowned at his plate of lasagna and set it on the coffee table, thinking maybe it was bad. It tasted fine, but he couldn’t quite remember when Buck had brought it over. It could have been days or weeks, he really had no clue.
“We’re taking things slow,” Buck assured Eddie. “He gets it, y’know, that I’m in a hard place right now.” He hesitated. “I want you to meet him. You and Christopher, of course.”
No , was Eddie’s instinctual reaction, which surprised him. “Of course,” he said anyway. “Just let me know when.”
---
Maddie stares at him when he finishes explaining, that unreadable expression back on her face. “So you hated him before you even met him?”
“I didn’t hate him!” Eddie tries to defend himself, squirming uncomfortably. “I was reasonably wary of the situation because of all that Buck has been through in the last year.”
Maddie purses her lips and nods. “Okay. Then why didn’t you want to meet him? If you were concerned about Buck’s wellbeing, wouldn’t it make sense to meet the guy and form your own opinion on whether he’d be good for Buck?”
Eddie tries to come up with a rebuttal, but falls short. He frowns. Maddie was right. He shook it off. “It doesn’t matter. I met him, and I hated him then, too.”
“Okay, you just admitted that you hated him before you met him, but sure. Tell me why you hated him when you met him.”
Eddie shakes his head, frustrated with the whole situation. “He’s just…so wrong for Buck!”
Maddie tilts her head. “How so?”
---
They had all agreed to meet at Buck’s new apartment. Chris and Eddie had shown up a few minutes before seven with a six pack of beer in hand. Jesse arrived seven on the dot. “That’s him,” Buck said with a nervous smile. “I’ll be right back.”
As he rushed to get the door, Chris looked up at Eddie. “Be nice,” he warned his dad. Eddie may have been complaining slightly on the way over here.
Eddie scoffed. “I’m always nice.”
Chris rolled his eyes and didn’t reply. Which was probably for the best, as Buck walked in not two seconds later, a man trailing behind him.
Jesse was a good looking guy. He was white, but tan with dark hair and eyes. He had nice arms. His hair was on the longer side, just past his ears. Objectively, he was handsome.
Eddie hated him on sight.
It only got worse as the night went on. He was so nice . He listened when someone else was talking, asked questions, and laughed at everyone’s jokes. He didn’t talk down to or baby Chris, which was harder to find in an adult than Eddie cared to think about. He complimented Buck’s food—a simple roast chicken with potatoes and green beans on the side, and an apple crisp for dessert—after nearly every bite he took. Too nice. Eddie didn’t trust it in the slightest.
It was the incessant complimenting of Buck’s food that did Eddie in. It was like he was surprised that Buck was a good cook.
Eddie was offended on Buck’s behalf, is all. This guy clearly didn’t believe in Buck enough to understand that this simple meal is basically boxed mac and cheese to Buck. Buck had made Eddie much fancier dinners and Eddie never acted surprised, only grateful, because he knew anything Buck made would be amazing.
Also, Jesse occasionally made smacking noises when he chewed.
“Eddie, can you pass the salt?” Jesse asked with a smile.
Buck’s food doesn’t need salt, he thought bitterly, but smiled as he handed over the shaker.
Later, after Jesse left, claiming an early morning at work the next day, Eddie and Chris stayed behind for a few extra minutes to help Buck finish cleaning up.
“So what do you think?” Buck asked.
“He’s funny,” Chris says. “I liked him.”
Buck beamed at him and turned to Eddie. “Eds? Did you like him?”
Eddie wanted to scream. He wanted to tell Buck this was a mistake, that Jesse was all wrong for him. He was too…Eddie didn’t know. Wrong. He wanted to tell Buck that he shouldn’t be with someone like that, he should be with someone like—
Eddie stopped that train of thought. He clapped his hand on Buck’s shoulder and grinned at him. “I think he’s great, buddy. I’m happy for you.”
---
“So you hate him because he liked Buck’s food?”
“No!” Eddie floundered for a moment. “It’s…He’s wrong for Buck, Maddie. I know he is.”
“You keep saying that, but you haven’t told me why.”
“Because—I just—It’s true!”
“Eddie,” Maddie leans forward. “Is it possible that you’re, I don’t know. Jealous?”
Eddie pauses his anxious fidgeting. “Jealous? Over what? I’m not seeing Buck any less than I did before he and Jesse got together.”
Maddie sighs like Eddie isn’t understanding her, but doesn’t explain further. “Alright. Okay.” She stops to think for a second. “You haven’t really liked any of Buck’s exes, have you? Except Tommy.”
“I hated Tommy,” Eddie says quickly. Maddie looks surprised. “I liked him at first,” Eddie explains. “But after he and Buck started dating, I don’t know. He wasn’t a good boyfriend to Buck. You know he gave him Lakers tickets for their six month anniversary? Buck hates basketball.”
Maddie nodded. “I didn’t like Tommy for Buck either. When Buck told me he didn’t come in costume for Chim’s bachelor party he seemed so bummed.”
Eddie rolls his eyes at the memory, trying not to visibly show any discomfort at the mention of the bachelor party.
He’s spent a long time trying not to think about that night.
“So anyway, now that I know you hate Tommy too, let’s talk about why you hate all of Buck’s exes.”
Eddie gives Maddie a strange look. “Buck has terrible taste.”
Maddie smiled at that. “Who do you think Buck should be with?”
Eddie throws his hands up in an I don’t know gesture. “No clue.”
“Okay. What qualities do you think they should have? What kind of person would be good for Buck?”
Eddie thought about it for a second. “Well. It should be someone who understands how hard his job is. Tommy got that, at least.” He scowls. “ Jesse wouldn’t understand. Jesse works in set design .”
“Yes, I know, I’ve met him.” Maddie sounds amused. “What else?”
“Someone who appreciates him. I mean, Buck gives everything he’s got for the people he loves and none of the people he’s dated have ever appreciated that enough.”
Maddie nods. “Now that I agree with. What else?”
Eddie hesitates. “Someone who, I mean. Buck wants a family. So someone who has a family, or wants one.”
Maddie’s smiling now. “Right.”
Eddie sweats under her gaze. “What?”
“What?” Maddie asks innocently, hiding her smile behind her mug.
“You’re looking at me like you know something I don’t,” Eddie accuses her.
She laughs. “That’s because I do.”
Eddie waits for her to continue, but she just keeps sipping her tea and smiling at him. “Well?” He asks a few seconds later, frustrated. “Are you gonna share with the class?”
Maddie smiles and sets her tea down again. “Eddie, you just described yourself.”
He bluescreens.
He did, didn’t he.
“That’s different,” Eddie blurts out, heart rate picking up. “I mean, I’m his best friend, of course someone he dates should have some of the same qualities as me. Isn’t the person you date supposed to be like another best friend?” He was speaking very quickly, and his heart had not slowed down at all. His eyes kept flicking around the room, and he could feel his breathing start to speed up. No, he thought. Not now.
Maddie was next to him on the couch before he could finish speaking. “Eddie? Eddie, look at me. Breathe.” He met her gaze and let her help guide his breathing.
After a few minutes, his heartbeat was back to a normal rhythm and he felt like he could breathe again. “Sorry,” he tells Maddie. “I—I should go.” He stands to leave and Maddie stands up after him, grabbing his arm.
“Absolutely not. If you think I’m letting you drive right now you’re crazy. Sit. Drink your tea.”
Eddie sits and drinks his tea. Maddie sits down next to him again. They’re quiet for a few minutes, drinking tea in silence.
Normally, Eddie would be humiliated. He nearly had a panic attack because someone thought he might be gay. Eddie hates panicking in general, will almost never admit that it happens to him, but it happening in front of other people is so much worse.
Today, though, he feels only a fraction of the embarrassment he would normally feel. He and Maddie don’t really know each other that well, it’s true, but they know what each other has gone through. And this is Buck’s sister. For some reason, even if he didn’t know her at all, he thinks that would be enough for him to trust her.
“You want to talk about it?” Maddie asks after a while.
Eddie groans, dropping his chin to his chest. “I don’t know why that happened.”
Maddie hesitates.”Sometimes when we’re confronted with emotions we’ve been trying to keep down, they overwhelm us.”
Eddie looks up at her, clenching his jaw. “You think I have…feelings. For Buck.”
“Would it be so crazy?”
“I’m not gay.”
“You’re not historically great with women, either,” Maddie pointed out.
He barked out a laugh. “You don’t pull any punches, huh?” She shrugged, smiling at him. “That doesn’t mean I’m gay.”
“I didn’t say you were. You could be bisexual, like Buck, or something else entirely. Or you never have to label yourself. But Eddie, you gave him custody of your son. Can you really say that you’ve never felt anything more than friendship for Buck? Nothing romantic at all?”
Eddie’s head snapped up. “Did he say something to you?”
Maddie’s eyes widened. “No. He’s never said you two were anything more than friends. But your reaction is making me think there’s something I don’t know.”
Fuck. Fuck . “It’s nothing,” Eddie said quickly. “I just. If he had said something—nevermind.”
“Eddie. Did something happen between you and Buck?”
Eddie heaves a sigh. He knew there was no way out of this.
“At Chim’s bachelor party,” Eddie started. “ Fuck ,” he swears, then clears his throat. “Uh. We kissed.”
---
“We’re gonna get an Uber!” Eddie yelled, leaning into Buck’s arm around him. He was pretty drunk, if he was honest with himself, but he wasn’t blacked out. He was just drunk enough to make some decisions he would regret in the morning.
“Uber!” The crowd cheered with him.
He was crammed next to Buck in the backseat of the car. They had squeezed more people than could legally fit in the car, but Buck had promised to tip the driver extra, so he let it slide.
To make room, Eddie and Buck were pressed together at the shoulders, Eddie was pressed against the door. Buck was sitting bitch, one arm over Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie had wrapped his arm around Buck’s waist, holding him against his side.
He told himself it was because there were too many people in the car for seatbelts. Not because he liked the warmth of Buck against him.
After they kicked in the door to the hotel room, things became kind of a blur. There was so much noise, so many people, so much happening.
But at one point, somewhere between Buck saying they had to keep it down and Eddie’s shirt getting ripped off, he and Buck, having lost count of the shots they had taken, ended up pressed together in a crowd of people dancing. Someone popped a champagne bottle over them. Eddie was giddy and wasted. He hadn’t had this much fun in months, if not years. So he wasn’t thinking when, alcohol spraying over them, he reached up and pulled Buck into a kiss.
It was chaste. But then Buck pulled back and stared at him, bewildered. Eddie was opening his mouth to apologize when Buck surged forward again, kissing him with everything he had to give. And he had a lot.
Eddie got lost in the kiss, not caring that anyone could see them, body thrumming with alcohol and the feeling of Buck’s hands gripping his waist.
He wasn’t sure how long they’d been making out like teenagers when someone bumped into them. They broke apart to look over at the person. “Oh shit, sorry,” the girl laughed. Then she lit up when she saw their faces. “Hey, you guys are hot! Wanna do some shots?”
Eddie looked at Buck. Buck looked at Eddie. They broke out in identical grins. “SHOTS!” They yelled in unison.
The moment was forgotten.
---
Maddie stares at him, her jaw hanging open in shock. “Wow.”
Eddie runs both hands through his hair. “We were drunk. It didn’t mean anything.”
“He never told me about that. Did you guys ever talk about it?”
Eddie shakes his head. “I don’t think he remembers. Even if he did, we were so worried about Chim the next day, there wasn’t a good time to bring it up.”
Maddie looks like she’s debating what she wants to say next. He can see the moment she decides by the purse of her lips; Buck makes the same expression when he’s making a decision. “Eddie,” she starts gently. “You and I don’t know each other very well. I don’t want to claim to be an expert on your life or how you feel about the people in it. But can I tell you what all of this looks like, to me?”
“All of what?” Eddie asks warily.
“Everything you’ve just told me, and what I’ve heard about you from others. I’m not being judgemental, I’m just not sure you’re putting everything in perspective.” Eddie frowns but motions for her to continue. She takes a deep breath before she speaks.
“I just want to walk through everything that’s happened to you,” she says quietly. “You can stop me if I’m wrong about anything or if I overstep.”
“I feel like I’m back in therapy,” Eddie tries to joke, except it’s not really a joke. He swallows uncomfortably.
Maddie smiles gently at him. “Well, I’ve had a lot of that. It rubs off.”
Eddie smiles back, and she continues. “Here’s what I see, Eddie. Buck mentioned to me, once, that when he came out to you, you were going through a problem with your faith?” At Eddie’s affronted look, she quickly clarified. “He didn’t give me any details,” she assured him. “Just said you were having some religious guilt and it was freaking you out.” Eddie confirmed with a tense nod. “Okay. So you’re questioning your faith. And your best friend comes out to you as bisexual. It doesn’t take a genius to understand that the Catholic church and the LGBT community aren’t exactly best friends.”
“Hey, I was never homophobic,” Eddie interrupts, defensive. “I never had an issue with Buck not being straight. Or Hen for that matter!”
“I know, Eddie. That’s not what I’m saying. I am operating under the assumption that there are repressed feelings of some kind that are making you feel like this, okay?” Eddie hesitates, but agrees. “Okay. So your best friend comes out to you in the middle of your crisis of faith. A few weeks later, you and Buck kiss at a party. This is right around the time you start to hate Tommy. And then, a few weeks after you and Buck kissed, you tried to recreate the relationship you had with the only woman you have ever actually loved. Which blew up your life. A few months later, Tommy and Buck broke up, and you ran away to Texas.”
Eddie stares at Maddie uncomprehending. “I went to Texas to get my son back,” he says. “But the rest is true. Those are just facts. I don’t get your point.” He watches her try and fail not to roll her eyes.
“Was getting Christopher back the only reason you went to Texas? Or were you also running away from Buck? Because to me, it looks like your…affair with that woman was about more than you missing Shannon.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, in the middle of a crisis of faith, you kissed a man. And you never processed what that meant for your relationship with Buck, because you two never talked about it. I think maybe the idea that you could be interested in men scared you enough to try to date that woman. You wanted to prove to yourself you could fall in love with a woman, even if she had to be exactly like Shannon for that to happen, because, from what I understand, it wasn’t happening with Marisol, and it never happened with Ana.”
Eddie feels a little bit like Maddie just punched him in the stomach. “I…” He choked slightly. “I did love Shannon. That was real. I loved her.”
“No one is saying you didn’t, Eddie. I know you loved her.”
“How could I be gay if I loved her?” He asks. It was meant to sound defensive, but it comes out more like he’s pleading for answers.
Maddie wraps an arm around his shoulders, big sister instincts apparently overtaking their casually friendly relationship. “A lot of gay men have meaningful relationships with women, Eddie. Or you might not be gay. You could be bi, like Buck. Or maybe you are straight and I’m completely off base. Only you can figure that out, Eddie. I don’t want to tell you what you feel. I just wondered if you could see what I see.”
“How would I even figure that out?” Eddie croaks. He meets Maddie’s eyes. “I do see what you’re saying. How it…looks. I’m really uncomfortable with how much I understand what you’re saying, honestly,” he laughs bitterly. Maddie squeezes his shoulder. “But I mean. I’m in my thirties. Wouldn’t I have figured it out by now?”
Maddie squints at him. “Sorry, did you zone out during the whole catholic thing? Not to mention the teenage pregnancy and the army. None of those things are the ideal scenario for a sexuality crisis.”
“And you would know this, how?” Eddie asks, raising an eyebrow.
Maddie blushes. “I might have gone on a little bit of a research binge when Buck came out.” Eddie burst out laughing. ‘I wanted to be supportive!” She exclaims, hitting his arm as he laughed at her.
“You and Buck are so related,” Eddie gasps out through his laughter. “Oh my god.”
“Shut up!” Maddie laughs, hitting him again.
Once their laughter dies down, the weight of the conversation settles back on Eddie’s shoulders. He’s quiet for a while. “You okay?” Maddie asks.
“I have no idea.”
“Do you think you’ve figured out why you hate Jesse yet?”
Eddie glares at her. “That was not subtle.” She shrugs. “I don’t know,” he sighs. “I really don't know.”
The issue isn’t that the idea of being with a man makes him anxious. It’s that it doesn’t . The thought of his family’s reaction, what it would mean for Chris, what it would mean for his relationship with Buck, that makes him anxious. But if he lets himself linger on the thought of being with—fuck it, being with Buck, it’s not panic he feels.
When he thinks of the night of the bachelor party, the way Buck had held him when they kissed, something feels like it settles in his chest. Like a big piece of his broken heart was snapped back into place. It feels like peace.
It’s the peace that terrifies him.
“I don’t deserve it,” he says with finality.
“What?” Maddie replies. “What don’t you deserve?”
Eddie shakes his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “Buck.”
Maddie straightens in alarm. “Eddie—”
He shakes his head again and stands. “I have to go. Thanks for talking to me, Maddie. Honestly.”
“Eddie!”
He’s already gone.
---
He nearly crashes twice on the way home. He can’t focus. His mind is drawn back again and again to the night of the bachelor party, to Maddie’s voice saying you wanted to prove to yourself you could fall in love with a woman .
Eddie sprints into his house and barely makes it to the toilet before he’s throwing up. He’s vaguely aware that in addition to the vomiting, he’s sobbing into the toilet.
He collapses back against the bathtub, still sitting on the floor. It’s like he can’t catch a break. His life is one big crisis after another. Shannon getting pregnant. The army. Shannon leaving. Shannon coming back and then dying. Ana. Getting shot. Finding out his team was all dead. Marisol. Christ , Kim. And now a midlife sexuality crisis.
“Dad? Dad? Are you okay?”
Fuck .
Eddie wipes his mouth before he looks up. Chris is standing in the doorway, one hand on the wall for support as he leans forward to look at Eddie. “Yeah, buddy. I’m okay,” he coughs.
“You don’t look okay,” Chris says. “I was calling your name for a few minutes. It was like you didn’t hear me, but I was right here.”
Eddie groans. “I’m sorry, Chris. I’m just—I don’t feel well.”
“Clearly,” Chris says. He’s trying to joke, but Eddie can tell he’s nervous. Chris is just opening his mouth to say something else when Eddie hears the front door click. He frowns at Chris, who looks sheepish. “You weren’t responding when I said your name. I called Buck.”
Eddie’s stomach dropped. “You did what?” He croaks. Chris looks surprised by his response, obviously, but before he can ask what that’s about, Buck appears behind Chris, and oh.
Oh.
It’s so fucking obvious now.
If he had any doubt left in his brain, it’s gone.
He’s in love with Buck.
He’s not sure why it took Maddie spelling it out for him to figure it out, because the feeling he gets when Buck appears is familiar. It’s warm and all encompassing, stronger than anything he ever felt for Shannon, and he’s been feeling it daily for the last eight years.
He wishes, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he wasn’t having this realization while crying on his bathroom floor. He probably doesn’t look great.
“Eddie? Are you okay?” Buck kneels down next to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. Eddie stares at him, unable to speak. How could he possibly have been this stupid? Buck frowns at him, then turns to Christopher. “Chris, can you go get your dad a water bottle?” Chris nods and disappears around the door. Buck turns back to Eddie as soon as he’s out of sight. “What’s going on, Eds?”
Eddie swallows, wincing at the taste in his mouth. “I had a panic attack,” he says weakly.
Buck looks unimpressed. “I got that, weirdly enough. Chris said you went out without telling him where you were going, and came back an hour later, crying and throwing up. Where the hell did you go? What happened?”
Eddie squeezed his eyes shut. “Can we not talk about this on my bathroom floor?” He mutters.
“Are you going to throw up again?” Eddie shakes his head. “Then come on.” Buck helps Eddie stand, keeping one hand on the small of his back to steady him. His hand burns Eddie’s skin through the fabric of his t-shirt. It’s another familiar feeling. How did he miss this?
After Eddie brushes his teeth, Buck walks with him to the couch. Chris brings the water bottle and Eddie takes a few grateful sips and gives Chris a reassuring smile. “Chris,” Buck says. “I can take over from here. You wanna go play some Call of Duty while your dad and I talk?”
Chris was well past the age where they sugarcoat when they want to talk without him there, and he knows well enough by now not to argue. He nods and moves to give Eddie a hug before returning to his room. “I love you, Dad,” he murmurs in Eddie’s ear and Eddie chokes a little.
“I love you too, kid. So much.”
Once they hear Chris’ door shut, Buck turns back to Eddie. “Explain,” he said.
“I don’t really want to talk about it,” Eddie deflects. He won’t meet Buck’s eye.
“Too bad, because I just had my already shitty night interrupted by Chris calling me telling me you were freaking out.” Buck grabbed Eddie’s shoulder. “Hey. I’ve helped you fix the wall you took a baseball bat to. Whatever it is, I’m not going to judge you.”
“Why was your night already shitty?”
Buck leveled him with a look. “Eddie.”
“I just need a minute,” he snaps, then deflates. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t get mad at you.”
“It’s okay,” Buck whispers. “I’m just worried, Eddie.”
“I know.”
They’re quiet for a while.
“I broke up with Jesse,” Buck says. Eddie looks at him. Buck shrugs. “That’s why my night was shitty.”
Eddie swallowed. “I thought you liked him.”
Buck shook his head. He looked frustrated, but Eddie knew it was only directed at himself. “I wanted to like him,” he said at last, then met Eddie’s eyes. “Couldn’t really manage it.”
Eddie couldn’t breathe. There was something in Buck’s eyes. Something that stirred in his stomach, nothing like the nauseating jealousy he’d felt toward Jesse, nor the blinding panic from twenty minutes ago.
“I was at Maddie’s house,” Eddie blurted out. “That’s what I was doing, before I panicked. I was talking to Maddie.
Buck blinked. “Maddie? My sister Maddie?”
“Yeah.”
“...Why? I didn’t think you two were that close.”
Eddie shifted uncomfortably. Maybe if he just ripped the bandaid off. “I went to talk to Maddie because I hated your boyfriend and I couldn’t figure out why.”
Buck’s eyes were wide. Eddie watches his Adam's apple bob as he swallows. “You hated Jesse?”
“So fucking much,” Eddie groans. “Everytime you mentioned him I wanted to scream. He was so wrong for you. I couldn’t explain it and no one seemed to agree with me outright, so I went to Maddie. She knows you better than anyone.”
“And did she agree?”
Eddie shakes his head. “She never actually said. I don’t think so.”
Buck sighs. “Eddie, I appreciate you looking out for me, but how did you complaining to my sister about my boyfriend turn into a panic attack?”
Eddie doesn’t reply. He can’t. It’s too big, too permanent. It would change things. His hands flex at his sides. Buck grabs them.
“Eddie.”
Eddie looked up, met Buck’s eyes.
He was never getting out of this. He wasn’t sure he wanted to anymore.
“You kissed me,” is what he says.
Buck pulls his hands back like he’s been burned. “What?”
“At Chim’s party,” Eddie whispers, heart in his throat, on his sleeve, in Buck’s open palms. “You kissed me.”
Buck opens and closes his mouth like a fish. Eddie would laugh if he wasn’t so close to crying again. “You,” he clears his throat. “You remember that?”
Eddie chokes on a bitter laugh. “I’ve spent the last year trying not to, but, yes, I remember it. I thought you didn’t.”
Buck chews on the inside of his cheek. “I remember.” He pauses. “You kissed me first.”
Eddie closes his eyes. “I know.”
“I’ve been trying not to remember it too,” Buck says. He sounds a little broken.
Eddie reaches out, heart racing, and takes Buck’s hand back. Buck squeezes his hand, and Eddie knows they’re on the same page. It settles his nerves. “Maddie had a lot to say, once I told her that.”
Buck, to Eddie’s surprise, laughs, albeit a little wetly. “I bet.” When Eddie looks at him questioningly, he smiles nervously. “She’s been saying that you and I should get together for years.”
Eddie huffs a laugh. “She told me that I went after Kim to try and prove to myself that I could fall in love with a woman.”
“Did you?”
He grips Buck’s hand a little tighter before he replies. “I don’t know. Maybe. Not on purpose.”
Buck doesn’t judge him, because of course he doesn’t. He just rubs his thumb against the back of Eddie’s hand. “What does that…mean?”
Eddie turns his head the other way when he feels his eyes start to burn. “I think I might be gay,” he whispers around a sob.
In a second, Buck is grabbing him and pulling him into a hug. “It’s okay, Eddie,” he whispers, shushing him like he’s a baby.
Eddie hugs him back, gripping the back of Buck’s shirt in his fists. “It’s okay,” Buck whispers again.
They stay like that for a while, holding each other while Eddie cries. Buck rubs comforting circles into his back. Once Eddie has gone from body-shaking sobs to quiet sniffles, Buck presses a kiss to his temple. Eddie warms all over.
He pulls back slowly, but doesn’t go far. He stays pressed against Buck, their faces inches apart. Buck reaches up and wipes a few stray tears off of Eddie’s cheek, then leaves his hand, cupping Eddie’s cheek in his palm. “You want to know why I broke up with Jesse?” He whispers. There’s a smile tugging at his mouth.
“Why?” Eddie asks, leaning into Buck’s hand.
“I hated the way he chews,” Buck admits sheepishly. “He smacks.”
Eddie burst out laughing. He had no idea how Buck did this, turned him from a crying mess to laughing in the blink of an eye, over and over again. He was so grateful. “I noticed that,” he replied. “Made me hate him even more.”
“Why did you hate him?” Buck says, and Eddie knows he knows the answer. He also knows that Buck needs to hear him say it. He won’t believe it until he does.
“Because he had you. And I want you.” He squeezes Buck’s hand. “However you’ll have me.” There are prettier words for it, he knows. Better words. But these are enough, for now.
Eddie watches a brilliant smile spread across Buck’s face. It soothes something in Eddie. No loving God could be against this feeling, he thinks. And it’s as simple as that.
Buck leaned forward and pressed their foreheads together. “I’ve been waiting a really long time to hear you say that,” he whispers.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie replies, just as quiet.
“Don’t be. We got here in the end.”
Eddie lifts his available hand, holding tight to Buck with the other, and slides it into Buck’s hair. They’re both breathing shakily. “Can I kiss you?” Eddie whispers, unable to stop himself.
“Please.”
For the sake of his nerves, Eddie’s grateful he doesn’t have to move very far, but when their lips meet, he knows he had nothing to be nervous about.
Kissing Buck felt just as good as it did the first time; better, even, without the haze of alcohol clouding his senses. They kissed slowly, carefully, both of them taking their time to learn the feel of the other. It was easy, and it felt right , like that piece of his broken heart had sealed up the cracks, indistinguishable from the rest of him.
Buck bit down gently on Eddie’s lip, making him gasp, and deepened the kiss. Eddie groaned at the feeling of Buck’s tongue against his, and Buck pulled back, smiling like a lunatic. “Shh,” he murmured into Eddie’s hair, kissing his temple. “Chris is just down the hall.”
Eddie nodded. “We should probably stop,” he whispered. He could feel Buck pouting against the side of his face. He turned and kissed him again, just once.
“I love you,” Buck says simply. Eddie inhales sharply. “I know that’s kind of insane, since we’re not even together officially and you’re still figuring yourself out but—”
Eddie cuts him off with a kiss. “I love you too,” he says when they break apart. “I’m not sure about my sexuality, or what everything means, or how to do this at all, but I know that I love you.”
Buck grins. “I think I can work with that,” he teases and Eddie laughs and then they’re kissing again.
---
Over the next couple weeks, they talk more. They talk about their relationship from the beginning, all the times they should have realized and didn’t. They’re laying on Eddie's bed, facing each other, a few feet apart. Buck tells Eddie that he figured out his feelings when Tommy kissed him for the first time. “He kissed me and it only half made sense. Right gender. Wrong guy.”
“But you went out with him anyway?” Eddie asks. He’s not judging. He wants to understand.
Buck shrugs. “I realized I loved you. I knew I couldn’t have you.”
“You thought you couldn’t have me,” Eddie corrected with a smile. Buck smiled back.
“I thought I couldn’t have you,” he agreed. “And I didn’t love Tommy, but I liked him. I thought maybe I could love him, eventually, even though he wasn’t you.”
Eddie scowled. “You couldn’t have. He was the worst.”
“He really was,” Buck laughed. “He knew, by the way. That I was in love with you.”
Eddie sits up, surprised. “You told him?”
Buck shakes his head. “No. And I denied it when he called me out on it. But he knew. Called you the ‘competition.’”
Eddie couldn’t help but feel a little smug at that. “Huh,” he says thoughtfully. Then, “Next time we see him at work I’m kissing you in front of him.”
Buck laughed joyfully. “Go right ahead,” he said, eyes sparkling.
They talk more after that. Eddie finally admits that his reason for moving to Texas wasn’t only to get Chris back, though that was most of it. “Running away from my feelings was an added bonus,” Eddie whispered.
“I wondered,” Buck replied. “‘This thing between us has been messy and hard,’” he quoted.
Eddie winced. “It was the closest I could come to admitting how I felt, even to myself.”
Buck kissed his hand. “You came back.”
They tell Chris a month after Eddie talked to Maddie. Chris admits that the night they got together, he had poked his head out of his room at one point and seen them kissing, which was “gross but not surprising.” He was happy for them.
The team was happy for them too. When they walked into work holding hands, Ravi whooped while Hen and Chim yelled “Finally!” in unison.
Eddie wasn’t sure he’d ever been this happy in his life.
For their one year anniversary, they sent Maddie the biggest bouquet of flowers they could find.