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She was the most mesmerizing woman she’d ever laid eyes on. She looked sharp and put together, though she had this head of hair that looked huge and majestic at the same time.
Rio wanted to run her hands through it so bad her hands were itching.
She was standing a few feet away, talking on the phone with someone Rio could hear was called Jenn. Rio really wanted to walk up to her and ask her out or do something to get her attention.
She was wearing the sexiest black suit, tailored to her body’s measurements to perfection, and a briefcase dangled off her shoulder that made Rio think, This woman has to be well off. That bag looks like real expensive leather.
“Next stop... Grand Central, Forty Second Street. Transfer available to the 4, 5, 6, 7, and the shuttle. Watch the closing doors.”
The announcement played as Rio was psyching herself up to walk toward the woman, but the second the doors opened, she speed walked out, and the doors shut behind her.
Rio froze.
Then slapped her palm to her forehead.
“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid,” she muttered to herself.
She beat herself up about it all the way to the restaurant, still mad she didn’t ask the woman out.
“Rio, honey, the woman is gone. Stop beating yourself up and just let it go! What else can you do besides that?” Lilia sighed, reaching for her drink.
Rio rolled her eyes. “I just don’t want tooooo,” she groaned. “She was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my entire existence, and she looked like she could ruin my life and you know how i like that in a woman!!”
She buried her face in her hands and let out a dramatic whine.
“Well…” Alice leaned forward, chewing on her straw, “you could do one of those videos people post on social media to help them find random people they saw in public.”
“That’s a thing?” Lilia blinked. “This generation is doomed.”
“YES, grandma,” Alice shot her a look. “And Rio, if you really wanna find this woman, right now this is your only solution.”
Rio hung her head off the back of the chair and groaned out loud. “Ughhh. That’s what I’ve become. Someone who begs randos on the internet for help.”
She paused for a few seconds, then raised her head slowly.
“I’ll do it. I’m not letting this go. That woman is my future wife.”
“Wow. Okay, whatever you say, girl.” Alice chuckled, clearly entertained by her friend’s chaotic love life.
As soon as she gets home, Rio pulls out her phone, opens TikTok, and hits record.
“Hey, New Yorkers,” she says, slightly breathless. “So, today I saw, no exaggeration, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life. And like the absolute useless lesbian I am… I froze. Couldn’t function. Couldn’t speak. Just stood there like an idiot.”
She flails a little, then leans closer to the camera.
“So that's where you guys come in, TikTok, i need you to do your thing.” she says to the camera.
“She’s a gorgeous brunette. About 5’5, maybe. She got off at Grand Central. She was wearing this black suit that looked tailored by God himself, and had this leather bag over her shoulder. She was on the phone with someone named Jenn.”
Rio sighs dramatically.
“That’s all I’ve got. I know, I suck at details. But if this sounds like someone you know, or are, please DM me. I will literally owe you my life.”
She pauses, winces, and gives the camera an awkward chuckle.
“Okay.. Bye.”
She hits post. And then immediately starts pacing.
After a few hours she tires herself out and just heads to bed for the night after this weird ass day.
By the next morning, the video had blown up.
Rio woke up to thousands of notifs, her phone buzzing like it was trying to escape her nightstand.
“Uhhh…” she blinked at the screen, still half asleep. “What the hell.”
She opened TikTok and nearly dropped her phone off the bed.
980K views.
Over 300K likes.
Thousands of comments.
“I think I’ve seen this woman??!”
“My aunt’s name is Jenn and she works near Grand Central, hold on—”
“This is so gay I’m crying”
“This is adorable i need them to meet and fall in love so badly”
“Girl you better invite us to the wedding”
Rio clutched her pillow to her chest, eyes wide.
“Oh my God. Oh my God.”
By the time she got up and got ready and headed to brunch to meet her friends, Alice and Lilia were already seated and looking at her like she was the funniest person alive.
“Well, well, well,” Alice grinned, scrolling through the comments on her phone. “TikTok’s most desperate lesbian.”
Rio dropped into the chair with a groan. “I feel like I gave the internet my diary.”
Lilia cackles. “Apparently the whole city is emotionally invested in your delusions now, Sweetheart.”
“She’s not a delusion,” Rio muttered, grabbing a menu just to hide her face. “She’s real.”
Alice leaned in. “And now half of New York is looking for her. Honestly? Iconic behavior. I’m rooting for you dude.”
“I’m gonna throw up,” Rio said, but she was smiling.
Had a gut feeling this insane plan will work.
Agatha is laying on her couch, peacefully enjoying her book, when someone starts banging on her door so loud and fast that she already knows who it is.
She sighs loudly.
“Agathaaaaaa!! Agatha, open the door right now, you HAVE to see this i promise!” comes Billy’s voice, her neighbor’s annoying kid who has somehow forced himself into her life.
She sits up begrudgingly and opens the door with a glare.
“WHAT?”
A phone is immediately shoved into her face.
“LOOK!” he says, hitting play on a video.
It’s of a woman, apparently, looking for someone or something like that.
Agatha blinks. “What does this have to do with me?”
She goes to pause the video, but Billy slaps her hand away.
“Just KEEP watching!” he nags.
The video keeps going and then she hears it, “ ‘A gorgeous brunette. About 5’5, maybe. She got off at Grand Central. She was wearing this black suit that looked tailored by God himself, and had this leather bag over her shoulder. She was on the phone with someone named Jenn.’ ”
Agatha stares at the screen, not blinking.
“That’s YOU, RIGHT?!” Billy practically screams.
Agatha stays silent. For a full minute.
So. Some woman, who’s, admittedly, pretty hot, apparently saw her on the subway on her way to work, wanted her so bad she decided to make it every New Yorker’s problem.
Chaotic.
She kinda likes it?
“Huh.” Agatha tilts her head slightly. “How many people saw this?”
She tries to sound disinterested.
“Like, almost a million! And thousands of comments!” Billy says, bouncing with excitement.
“Oh.”
“So what are you going to do about it? Are you gonna DM her and get together and get married and have babies and live happily ever aft—”
“WILLIAM, BREATHE,” Agatha snaps, cutting off his rambling.
“And what the HELL is a DM?” she continues.
“Oh, it means direct message! You just click this button and you can contact this Rio Vidal person directly and connect with her. PLEASE DO IT, AGATHA!!! FOR THE PLOT!! YOU HAVE TO!!!” he shouts, jumping around while Agatha calmly pours herself a glass of wine in the kitchen.
“If I say I’ll consider it, will that shut you up and get you out of my house?” she asks, unbothered.
“YES!”
“Okay. I will think about it,” she says plainly.
Her tone is flat, but her mind? Swirling.
Who is this Rio woman?
What is she like?
And why was she so taken by Agatha, a total stranger, on a random Tuesday subway ride?
She’s intrigued.
“OMG, GREAT! I CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS LOVE STORY TO START! PLEASE TELL ME EVERYTHING AS IT HAPPENS! THIS IS SO GA—” Billy yells as Agatha drags him by the shirt to the door and slams it behind him.
She stands there for a moment, sipping her wine.
“God, that kid screeches like a mouse,” she mutters to herself.
She sits back on the couch and opens TikTok.
Oh. She doesn’t even have an account.
She makes one.. after some struggle. Sue her. She’s fifty. She’s bound to struggle with new technology.
She adds a picture of herself as the icon so... whoever... needs to recognize her can.
The fact that she chooses her hottest picture is no one’s business and has nothing to do with any of what’s happening though.
After, she does what any older woman would do: she clicks on the search bar and types in exact detail the video she’s looking for.
‘new yorker looking for brunette gorgeous woman 5’5 user Rio Vidal’
To her surprise, the algorithm finds Rio’s video instantly.
She checks the girl’s profile. It’s mostly videos of her filming her plants and how to take care of them.
“Nerd.” Agatha chuckles mockingly.
There’s one other video that actually shows her face.
Agatha does have to admit, Rio is very handsome looking.
Soft eyes. Long black hair. Distinctive features. Very attractive.
Alright.
Hit me with a stick, she thinks. I’ll message the beautiful woman and see what she wants.
Just for the ‘plot’, as Billy put it.
Nothing more.
Rio is doing her end of day checks on her plants and her pet spider, Victoria, when she feels her phone vibrating in her pocket.
Her first thought? It’s gotta be another DM that doesn’t pan out, like the dozens she’s been getting all day.
But then she looks at the icon of the person who messaged her.
“OH SHIT. OH FUCK. IT’S HER,” she yells out loud.
She clicks on her profile so fast she almost breaks her screen.
So her name is Agatha, she has her picture on her profile and OH GOD she’s so HOT.
She then opens the DM. Not being able to wait any longer.
Agatha:
Care to explain?
Rio stares at her phone, frozen for a solid three seconds before she starts typing like her life depends on it.
Rio:
OH MY GOD HI
Okay yes. I can explain.
I saw you on the subway. You looked insanely hot. Like, unfairly hot. And I just stood there like a useless gay idiot while you walked away.
Then I spiraled. Obviously.
So I made a TikTok.
And now the internet is involved.
Please don’t be mad. Or sue me. Or think I’m a freak.
(I mean I am a freak. But like... the fun kind.)
She throws the phone on the couch, faceplants into a pillow, screams, then immediately grabs it again when the typing bubble pops up.
Agatha:
I was going to sue you.
Then I saw that spider of yours and almost blocked you instead.
Rio bursts out laughing, half wheezing.
Rio:
Okay wow, rude.
Victoria is a classy lady and deserves respect.
She just happens to have eight legs and fangs. Don’t judge her.
Agatha:
She blinked at me. I felt it through the screen.
Rio:
She didn’t! She literally doesn’t have eyelids.
You’re being dramatic.
Agatha:
I’m allowed. I was emotionally threatened.
Rio:
You’re so brave. I’m proud of you.
There’s a pause. Rio grins at her screen like an idiot. Then, as if possessed by the spirit of sapphic desperation, she goes for it.
Rio:
So… hear me out.
Let me take you out. Just once. No TikTok, no chaos, just you and me and dinner I’ll completely overthink.
I’ll behave. I’ll pay. I’ll wear something cute. I’ll even bring you flowers.
Come on. You can’t tell me this isn’t at least a little funny and a great story to tell.
She doesn’t get a reply from Agatha for five whole minutes and panics thinking she crossed a line and Agatha isn’t interested.
Then..
Agatha:
Write me an email explaining why I should.
A long one.
Rio blinks. This woman is evil.
…And at the same time really funny for this.
Rio:
You’re joking?
Agatha:
Do I seem like someone who jokes?
Rio lets out a full body groan, faceplants into a pillow, and screams for the second time.
She’s writing that email. Obviously.
This Agatha is seeming more and more likely to be her future wife.
She’s everything Rio wants in a woman. and she’s not losing her again.
Rio:
You got yourself a deal.
In fact, I’m gonna go above and beyond and make a whole presentation for you detailing why you definitely should go out with me.
You won’t regret giving me this chance.
She sounds so desperate, she honestly hopes Agatha is the type to be into loser desperate lesbians.
(Spoiler: She is.)
Agatha:
I look forward to being professionally persuaded.
Don't disappoint me.
Send the email to [email protected]
Rio is spiraling.
Fully, completely spiraling.
She’s pacing around the apartment, mumbling to herself like a woman being chased by the consequences of her own choices. Victoria watches calmly from her tank where if she could talk she would call Rio an insane woman.
“This is fine. I can do this. It’s just an email. Just... an email to the hottest, most intimidating woman alive. Who i want to be my future wife. Who may or may not sue me depending on my ability to convince her i’m not a creep who just thought she was hot on the subway..”
She flops onto the floor and groans.
Ten minutes later, Alice and Lilia are both at her apartment because she sent a voice note that started with “Emergency crisis” and they thought she set something on fire again.
Alice is on the couch, crying laughing as Rio dramatically drapes herself across a beanbag like she’s on her deathbed.
“You don’t understand,” Rio whines. “This has to be perfect or I’ll die. She’ll never speak to me again. And then I’ll die alone.”
“You already said that twice, hon.” Lilia says flatly.
Alice wipes tears. “This is the gayest breakdown I’ve ever witnessed.”
Rio shoots upright. “Okay. I need to make a list. Why would she want to go out with me? Like... what do I have to offer? HELP me!”
“A plant addiction,” Alice offers.
“A spider,” Lilia pipes in.
“A very punchable face and an annoying personality,” Alice finishes.
Rio flips them off with both hands, then pauses mid air.
“… I could make a slideshow!”
Alice, without even blinking: “Yess! Love that idea! Shows you’re putting in effort.”
Rio gets up to grab her laptop right then and there. “Yes. I’m doing it.”
One mental breakdown and two iced coffees later, Rio hits send on the most dramatic, insane email she’s ever written.
Attached: a PDF file titled:
"Reasons You Should Go Out With Me: A Presentation by Rio Vidal"
It includes these slides:
Introduction:
Hello Ms. Harkness,
Take a look at this very thought out slideshow that will display all the reasons why i make an excellent candidate to date and let court you. Let’s Begin:
- Slide 1: “I cook really well. My mami taught me from a young age.”
(Image: fancy looking grilled chicken dish with sparkles edited around it) - Slide 2: “I’ll hype you up always.”
(Image: Rio giving a thumbs up next to a photo of Agatha’s face on her laptop screen.) - Slide 3: “My arms are strong. They look nice, I can carry your groceries AND you to bed when you’re too tired to walk.”
(Image: Rio flexing.) - Slide 4: A photo of Victoria.
Caption: “I like pets. I assume you do too. This is Victoria, don’t worry she’s non poisonous and very friendly.” - Slide 5: A selfie of Rio smiling.
Caption: “Look at my smile. You could wake up to that. It’s a very nice smile.”
And those are my reasons. I hope you find them acceptable and approve.
Now for my proposal, A Formal Request for One (1) Date
Ms. Harkness,
Please consider this both a professional and emotional proposal.
I am fully qualified to take you on one exceptional date. (if you enjoy our time together we can discuss more dates after, the choice will be yours of course.)
Warm regards,
Rio Vidal
Agatha opens the email in the middle of her very serious, very quiet office.
She’s not expecting much. Maybe a few lines of frantic begging, maybe something mildly pathetic she can mock internally for entertainment.
What she’s not expecting is a full blown PDF titled:
"Reasons You Should Go Out With Me: A Presentation by Rio Vidal."
She snort laughs. Out loud.
Every head in the office turns like a synchronized school of fish.
No one’s ever heard Agatha Harkness laugh before.
They’re pretty sure she doesn’t know how.
She clears her throat and waves them off with a glare. “Back to work.”
Then scrolls to Slide 1.
“I cook really well. My mami taught me from a young age.”
(Image: fancy looking grilled chicken dish with sparkles edited around it)
Agatha raises an eyebrow. Huh. Okay. Not bad. She loves a woman who can feed her.
Slide 2.
“I’ll hype you up always.”
(Image: Rio giving a thumbs up next to a photo of Agatha’s face on her laptop screen.)
Agatha lets out another laugh she didn’t mean to. That one got her.
Slide 3.
“My arms are strong. They look nice, I can carry your groceries AND you to bed when you’re too tired to walk.”
(Image: Rio flexing.)
“Ridiculous,” Agatha mutters, grinning. She definitely zooms in on Rio’s arm before pretending like that didn’t make her feel things..
Slide 4.
A photo of Victoria.
Caption: “I like pets. I assume you do too. This is Victoria as you remember from my tiktok, she’s very friendly i promise.”
Agatha squints at the spider. "I don't trust this spider.” she mumbles to herself.
Slide 5.
(A selfie of Rio smiling, goofy and stupidly charming.)
“Look at my smile. You could wake up to that.”
Agatha stares at that one for a bit longer than she means to.
Then she scrolls back to the top.
And watches the entire thing again.
Five times.
By the fifth round, she’s leaning back in her chair with a hand over her mouth, feeling the tiniest, most annoying curl of something in her chest.
She hates it.
She also really doesn’t.
Agatha clicks "Reply" and starts typing.
Agatha:
I’ll allow it.
I pick the day and time.
You pick the place and activities, if you want me to show up and stay, you better impress me.
She hits send.
Then sits back and lets herself smile.
Just a little.
This is so stupid and could very well be a disaster but she really could use some fun in her life these days.
They go out.
Agatha picks the day and time. Rio plans every second of it like her life depends on it, and maybe it kind of does.
She does impress her.
Against all odds and all logic, she really does.
They go out again. And again.
And before either of them realize it, they’ve fallen in love.
Though Rio would argue she fell in love with Agatha that day she saw her in the subway.
Every time someone asks how they met, Rio like an idiot, grins and says:
“Tiktok found her for me.”
Which, Agatha, would then glare at her like she’s been personally insulted.
“You need to stop saying that.”
“But it’s true!”
“It’s humiliating.”
“It’s romantic.”
“I will break up with you.”
“No, you won’t,” Rio says, leaning in to kiss her. “You’re obsessed with me.”
Agatha grumbles something unintelligible and sips her wine. She doesn’t deny it.
Years and years later, they’re married.
Their kids, Nicky six years old and Moira three years old, sit on the couch, wide eyed, while Rio tells the story.
“And that, kids,” she says proudly, “is how I met your mother.”
Agatha walks by, pauses in the doorway, and mutters,
“I should’ve blocked you when I had the chance.”
But she’s smiling when she says it.