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The thing about Kon was that he wasn’t really one thing. It was what made adapting to normal (or as normal as it got for superheroes) life so hard. He wasn’t a human, though one of his- fathers? Sure, his fathers- was. Lex was the one that had done the heavy work of creating him, the one who had made that choice. He had raised Kon, brought him out into the public eye, and it was kind of easy, with him. Even though Kon didn’t always make it easy for him.
There were set rules, set expectations. Kon was expected to be a certain thing, and that was good, easy . Even if he broke the rules often, at least he understood what they were.
Kon wasn’t Kryptonian, either. His other father- genetic donor, whatever- was. Clark had full access to the Fortress of Solitude. He had all the files on Kryptonians left for him by his father, and an AI for him to answer all his questions. To talk about what it was like to be Kryptonian, what it meant. And Kon… He didn’t really want to try and talk to Clark about it. He didn’t think it was quite his place. Because, well. Kon wasn’t really Kryptonian, was he?
And he didn’t really know what he was expected to be, now that he was freed from Cadmus. He wasn’t meant to be Superman anymore. But could he really be Superboy, either? Jon existed after all. And Kon couldn’t be human. He couldn’t be Kryptonian. He was still an alien he thought, but not the kind of alien Clark and Kara were. Because they had been born on another planet, been carried across a sea of stars to Earth. Quite literally, aliens . But Kon was just… alien to everyone and everything. Because at least Clark had gotten to grow up with humans, had adapted to their life and fit himself in among them while still retaining his heritage. At least Kara had her cousin, had known the planet she was sent away from.
But Kon was a genetic monstrosity. He wasn’t even quite like Jon, because Jon was created naturally. The Kryptonian and human genes meshed together like puzzle pieces, formed themselves in Jon in a way that fit. In a way that made him natural and a miracle, something unique and wonderful to behold.
Kon’s pieces were jammed together awkwardly and violently; things were bonded that weren’t meant to bond, and his genes fought the Cadmus scientists every step of the way. For God’s sake, his genetic donors were enemies . He was in every sense of the word, unnatural. Kon just… Kon was Kon. And he wasn’t ever meant to be. To exist.
He didn’t really understand how he was supposed to act either. Because chronologically speaking- he was two years old. But obviously, he wasn’t going to act like a little kid. Biologically, he was seventeen. But also- Lex had wanted him to be Super man . An adult. Mature, responsible. Kon wasn’t really- he didn’t have a real age. Kon didn’t really know how he acted now. He did his best to slide by, to pretend he knew, but sometimes people would still give him odd looks and he knew he had said something out of place. Something wrong.
There was also… There was also Knockout. And Tana. Kon tried not to think about them- because he knew he had fucked up. He knew he had made a mistake, in trusting Knockout, in everything- but he had felt so alone. And he was trying to be his own person for the first time- it was all a mistake. And whenever Kon thought about it he got this- this feeling he couldn’t quite name. It made his shoulders hunch and he felt heavy inside and like he wanted to scrub himself clean. Just this wrongness , this swirl of sickness in his stomach. So, he tried not to think about them.
But there were some days when he couldn’t really escape himself, couldn’t escape all the things inside his head threatening to tear his fragile genes apart. Today was one of those days.
He had done his best to fight back against his mind by throwing himself into his work. He helped Pa fix the tractor, he chased down and carried home a stray cow, he had pulled a plow for the new corn field. He almost made himself sweat, and he did his absolute best to not stop moving; he only took a break when Ma hustled him over to the porch for some iced tea. He knew if he refused she would give him that knowing look, and maybe call Clark- and besides, he could never say no to her.
But he also should have known better to think he could hide things from her. Which he realized when that evening before dinner, Clark’s car pulled up in front of the farmhouse. Kon watched it from his vantage point atop one of the silos, where had been planning to watch the sunset while he waited for dinner. Out piled the whole family, one by one: Lois, who somehow made jeans and a t-shirt look classy. Jon, dirt already on his knees and t-shirt despite having come from Metropolis. And Clark, with his glasses tucked into his shirt and his hulking frame seeming comically large as he climbed out of the cramped drivers seat.
Jon was already racing inside to greet his grandparents, Lois not far behind reminding him to no avail not to let the screen door slam. Clark stayed back a moment, tucking his keys into his pocket and adjusting his shirt. Kon watched him stand like that for a second, before realizing what he was doing: listening for everyone's heartbeats to locate where they were. His theory was proven correct when Clark turned his gaze up to the silo, and directly to Kon. The man gave a small smile and raised his hand in a wave. Kon did his best to return it. “I’ll be down in a minute.” Kon said it at a normal volume, but obviously Clark heard. The man nodded and turned to follow his wife and son inside.
Kon dropped his head against his chest with a sigh once he was safely out of view. He always felt weird- like he needed to be invited- when the whole Kent family was together. Because he wasn’t really sure where he stood with them, what his role was supposed to be. And things were still a little awkward with Clark, mostly because neither of them knew how to treat each other. There was no rule book to interacting with your clone.
Was Kon supposed to be his son, his brother, or just a guy that existed without Superman’s consent but he still had to be nice to because he was superman? It was pretty confusing. Kon stood up and dusty off his pants before flying down to the ground and walking across the yard to the front door.
When he stepped inside, it was already lively. There was the mouthwatering scent of Ma’s cooking, the sound of Lois laughing at something she had said, Pa with his hand on his son’s shoulder as they spoke, and the speeding bullet that was Jon heading straight for Connor.
At that, he did manage a real smile. The boy rocked into him and Kon squeezed him tight. “Connor, it’s been so long,” Was what Jon said when he pulled himself away from Kon’s mid section. It had been two weeks, but Kon guessed for a ten year old, that might seem like a while.
“Hey bud,” Kon responded, ruffling his hair affectionately. Jon batted his hands away and started on a tangent to fill Connor in on the past couple weeks of his life. It was amazing how much the kid could get up to in such a short time frame- there always seemed to be so much happening in his life.
Kon could relate, but only when he was with the titans. And also back in hawaii, with Knockout and Tana and the others- A minute grimace twitched Kon’s face as he batted the thought of them away. He looked up for a moment, only to meet Clark’s eyes over Pa’s shoulder. The man had a small wrinkle of concern between his eyebrows and he was staring straight at him.
Connor had to fight away another instinctive grimace. Damn it, why did Kryptonians have to be able to catch that stuff? There went any hope of convincing Clark that Ma had misinterpreted Kon’s attitude throughout the day. If that was even why he was here; maybe Clark had just shown up of his own accord and Kon could still avoid the awkward attempt at a ‘talk.’
Connor managed to relax little by little as the evening progressed and there was no ambush. They all sat down for dinner together, and his mood was even improved a bit. Or at least he wasn’t really thinking about any bad stuff while he ate. Jon told him a story about school, and how he had stopped a bully. His dad beamed proudly the whole time. Lois and Clark each caught everyone up on their respective current stories. Ma talked about a new pie recipe she wanted to try, and Pa told the table how Kon had helped fix the tractor today. Kon ducked his head at that, trying to hide his vague blush. He really hadn’t done much, and he was sure Clark had done the same stuff when he was a teenager. But when he looked up, Clark was looking at him with a soft smile anyway and Connor had to turn away.
When dinner was done, Connor insisted on helping Ma with the dishes (like he always did) and Jon bounced into the living room to show Pa a video game he had brought over. He made Connor promise to try it out too, when he was done. Kon managed to shoo Ma away as he was drying the last ones. But then he turned around and realized that at some point Lois had slunk away as well, leaving Clark leaning on the kitchen island with his arms folded.
It was funny sometimes, to remember it was Superman standing in the kitchen of a small Kansas farmhouse. He seemed too big for the room, too large for life really. His muscles bulged against his casual shirt, and even crossing his arms in an attempt to humanise himself, he looked godly. Kon looked at himself in the mirror sometimes and wondered how any of that DNA could exist in him.
He managed a smile at Clark, and started to move past him to escape to the living room and Jon. But alas, he wasn’t fast enough. Clark stopped him with a gentle palm to the chest and Kon braced himself to look up at the man.
“Let’s talk outside, yeah?” He asked quietly. Kon sighed and nodded. Once they were outside the house, Clark nodded up at the silo. “You like it up there?” He asked. Kon nodded again, and they both wordlessly flew up to settle themselves.
The sun had set by now, but the lights of the farmhouse bathed their backs in light, and Kon knew they could both see just fine. He looked out over the fields, cows milling slowly and corn rustling in the breeze. There were fireflies, he realized. He hadn’t noticed when they had begun to appear for the season, but evidently they had.
“I used to sit up here when I was a teenager,” Clark broke the silence. Kon didn’t say anything; he wasn’t sure he was supposed to. “It’s a nice spot. Quiet.” He snorted a bit at that, and looked at Clark as the man gave him a questioning look.
“For one thing, this is rural Kansas. Everywhere is quiet. For another, you have super hearing. You can hear everything all the time. Was it really quiet?” Clark looked amused and turned to look back over the fields.
“Well, no, you’re right. But it feels quiet. That’s what I liked.” Kon just hummed. The fireflies flickered in and out. “What’s going on, Connor?” Clark broke the brief moment of quiet again. Kon swallowed and looked down at his knees.
“Nothing.” He shook his head. “I just uh… didn’t sleep well. So I was in a weird mood is all.” Kon knew better than to think he could lie successfully to Superman. But then again, he could always deflect until Clark gave up.
Clark was quiet. Kon could feel the man looking at him. He abruptly felt very small and very alien. “Kon,” Clark said, somewhat awkwardly. He paused, then started again. “Kon, I know I haven’t… haven’t done all this well. Handled our relationship well, I mean. Because there was a lot going on, because I came back to life and there you were, but so much else was happening. And I didn’t know… how I was meant to treat you. Or if you were going to be like Lex. And then you went off to Hawaii and you seemed so fine on your own. But I…” He stopped again. Kon wanted to cover his ears, he didn’t want to hear Superman apologize. He hadn’t done anything wrong. It was Kon’s existence that was wrong. “You came back. And I’ve kept putting it off. And none of this is an excuse, but I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.”
When Connor remained quiet, Clark seemed to interpret his silence as anger. The man placed a giant hand on Kon’s shoulder, and he could hear a faint note of desperation in the man’s voice when he continued. “I still don’t know what we are, what we’re supposed to be. What you want us to be. But I want to know you, I want to take care of you. Because I do care about you. Kon, you are so dear to me, and I haven’t let you know that-” Kon shook his head sharply before he could stop himself. Clarks hand was still gripping his shoulder.
“I know,” Kon said quietly. Clark was still looking at him. Kon didn’t want to make eye contact, but he felt he owed the man that. He turned and looked him in the face. Superman seemed to falter. “You’re Superman, Clark. You’re a good man. And you haven’t done anything wrong.” Clark opened his mouth to protest but Kon cut him off. “I was fine on my own. I’m not… not a kid like Jon is.” Not your kid went unsaid. “I didn’t- don’t- need anyone to take care of me. I’m not saying I don’t want a relationship. I’d like to know you too. I’m just saying you don’t need to feel any sort of obligation towards me. You didn’t choose to bring me into this world.” Clark had some sort of unreadable expression on his face. Kon wanted to look away, but he couldn’t.
“No, but I’m glad you were brought into it, Kon. I’m glad I have you in my life. I… I love you. And I don’t need you to say that back to me.” Kon opened and closed his mouth like a fish, but Clark seemed to grip his shoulder tighter, leaning in. “And you were a kid, Kon. Maybe more than Jon is-” Clarkdidn’t give him time to protest. “I know you don’t like hearing that, and I’m not trying to infantilize you. But when you went to Hawaii, when I let you go off on your own… you were bodily sixteen, but you had only been alive for about a year. Kon, that wasn’t okay. You didn’t know enough about the world, which is not your fault, and I shouldn’t have let you go.”
Abruptly Kon did look away, breaking Clarks gaze. He could feel tears brewing- which wasn’t-no. He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want to think about all the shit he had been trying to fight all day, and he especially didn’t want to deal with it in front of Clark. He tried to tuck his head into his knees, but the hand on his shoulder was shifting around his neck to the other one and tugging Kon into Clark’s warm side. He couldn’t stop himself from shoving his face into the man, doing his best to hide his tears. Which obviously didn’t work, since Clakr could probably feel them wetting through his shirt, and also his shoulders were visibly shaking.
Clark rubbed his hand along his shoulder, holding the boy close, and brought the other up to card through Kon’s hair. All his previous awkwardness was gone in the face of a task for Superman- comforting a crying person. He was holding him tight, but like he was something precious. Something fragile . Like a little kid. Which- Kon wasn’t. He hadn’t ever been a kid, because if he had been a kid then that meant-
“Kon, talk to me buddy. Deep breaths.” Clark was murmuring. Kon heaved in air, and tried his best to get himself under control.
“I wasn’t a kid, Clark.” Was what he said. What he didn’t want to say, but he was saying anyway. “Because if I was a kid then-” He stopped himself. He felt like he was choking, and that horrible feeling was washing over him. Somewhere between fear and shame and guilt- he wanted to curl into a ball. He wanted to fly far away where no one would ever see him again.
Clarks hand faltered, then continued its soothing pattern. “Then what, Kon?” He prompted quietly.
“Then what happened with Tana and Knockout wasn’t-” Connor finally did manage to force himself quiet then, but with a slow dawning horror he realized it was too late. Clark’s hand had gone very still. Actually, Clark’s whole body had gone very still. He was no longer breathing, which Kon would know since his head was pressed up against his side.
Not for long though, because then the hand on his shoulder was gently but firmly pulling Kon away from the cover he’d had for his face. Connor was icy cold, but still embarrassment swelled in his stomach when he saw the wet spot on Clark’s shirt. Rao, he was acting like a little kid, wasn’t he? And he really wasn’t supposed to do that, because he wasn’t a kid-
Kon couldn’t read Clarks face. The man was still as a statue. “Tana who.” His voice was flat. Kon wanted to fly away, but Clarks hand held him firm.
“Tana Moon.” He said with a shaking voice. Humiliating, really. Clark’s face spasmed a little, and Kon suddenly remembered that she had interviewed at the Daily Planet before becoming a journalist elsewhere. She ran in the same circles as Clark, so he probably knew her. Shit. Even more embarrassing. At least the cool dread surrounding Kon had made him stop crying.
“Did you-” Clark cut himself off, then started again. “Were you in a relationship with her?” Kon suddenly recognized the emotion in Clark’s voice: anger. Which… was terrifying to say the least. It wasn’t often you heard that kind of cold fury from Superman. And Kon didn’t really understand why. What had he done? Was it because he had never told Clark he dated her? He didn’t think it was that big a deal, but he didn’t know what to do now to fix it if that was why Clark was angry. Shit.
Kon nodded slowly. A strange noise erupted from Clark and he yanked his hand away from Connor’s shoulder abruptly. A metal crunching noise echoed through the still air, and Kon looked down in surprise to see that same hand now clenching a chunk of metal off the silo. It was shaking. Clark was really pissed then.
Kon shrunk in on himself and looked down at his knees. “It was in Hawaii. She came there at the same time as me… and yeah. We broke up after a while because there was this other girl, Knockout. But… I’m not with her anymore either.” Another horrible noise out of Clark’s chest. Kon wondered vaguely if it was a Kryptonian thing or a human noise Connor had not yet encountered.
“And how old was she?” Clark’s voice was so, so strained.
“I don’t know. She was immortal, but she looked maybe twenty?” It was silent and Kon scrambled, trying to make up for his non-answer. “Tana was twenty-three though.” Silence again. Kon continued desperately; It felt like he couldn’t stop. “I’m sorry I didn’t ever tell you. I just… I wanted to do my own thing in Hawaii, and I messed it all up… and I was just embarrassed I guess-”
Then Clark’s hand was back on Kon’s shoulder, and he instinctively looked up at the man. There was what looked like heartbreak on Clark’s face. Which Connor didn’t really know what to do with.
“Rao Connor, I’m not- I’m not angry with you . You don’t need to apologize.” Connor hesitated. He didn’t understand; so why was Clark angry? Maybe seeing the confusion on Kon’s face, Clark’s expression crumbled a little. “Kon, do you understand?” A brief moment, and then Kon slowly shook his head. He might as well be honest.
The hand on his shoulder came up to rest on his cheek, achingly gentle. “Conner, you were a child . And those were-” Here, he choked a little, but he seemed to force himself to continue. “Those were grown women. That’s not okay . They took advantage of you.” Those last words, he said with particular emphasis, as if trying to push them into Kon’s mind.
But that didn’t make sense: Kon wasn’t one thing. He wasn’t a child, but clearly he wasn't a typical adult. He wasn’t human and he wasn’t Kryptonian. He wasn’t anyone’s son or brother or grandson. He wasn’t really from Earth, but he wasn’t from Krypton. The rules were different for him. It was Clark that didn’t understand.
Clark’s face had gone slack and pale. The horror seized Connor again because he was so stressed, so confused, so tired from his day of ruminating on his mistakes and the horror of Superman finding out about them, that he had just said his whole little monologue out loud. And now Clark was looking at him like that.
There were arms around him, two this time. And they were crushing Kon into Clark’s chest. He was half in the man’s lap, and he was too tired to find it in himself to be embarrassed this time. Clarks face was pressed into his hair, and he only lifted it up so he could speak quietly to the boy in his arms.
“Kon, I am so sorry. And that will never be enough. I should never have let you go out into the world alone, and I should never have let you feel this… this lost about who you are. I should have guided you the way I needed guidance when I discovered my heritage. Even if I was unsure how to help I could’ve tried. And instead I left you- I left you to the world.” Connor tried to push himself away from Clark so he could speak, but the man just held him tighter.
“You are not Kryptonian or human, but you are the best of both. You are from Earth and you belong here just as much as any other creature. And you are a child. You’re seventeen now, but your experience is only two years. You are my child. And I’m sorry I never treated you like it.” Connors hands had gone limp where they had been trying to push away from Clark. All the horror, the dread, the sick guilt in his stomach had slipped into yet another unfamiliar feeling.
He didn’t really know what to do with it. And Clark was still holding him. So he just… stayed still.
They were like that for a while, and later Kon thought he might be embarrassed to think about it. Because he still didn’t really agree with Clark- he still couldn’t really think of himself as a child, and he was sure he would remain unable to think about Tana and Knockout without feeling that same sick feeling inside himself. But for now, he just stayed in Clarks arms until the man gently pulled him backwards to look him in the face.
“I know it’s not easy Kon. And one talk doesn’t fix everything wrong, doesn’t right every bad feeling inside yourself, every misconception about what those… women were doing. But I’m gonna be here now. I’m sorry I wasn’t before. But I… I can and will do my absolute best to help you.” He cupped Kon’s cheek once more and ducked down a bit to get closer to his height. Kon thought he understood what it felt like to be someone Superman saved- one of those kids he’d seen on the news being whisked away in his arms. He knew Clark was right. That it wouldn’t be easy, that this would never just brush away. But right then, in that moment, he felt like he might be someone worth saving.
“I love you, Kon-El.” Clark’s voice was so, so tender. He brushed his fingers through his son’s hair. Kon couldn’t help but lean into it.
“I love you too.”