Chapter Text
Daisy, Daisy,
TT: Dave.
TT: Dave.
TT: Hey Dave.
TT: I want to write sloppy makeouts.
TT: Right now.
TT: Humor me.
TT: Are you ignoring me? Seriously? Even when there’s the prospect of sloppy makeouts?
TT: Davey, Davey, give me your answer do.
TT: I’m half crazy all for the love of you...
TT: it won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage...
TT: ...but you’d look sweet upon the seat...
TG: dude has anyone ever told you that you get clingy when folks dont answer your pesters???
TG: because if not im here to tell you
TG: you get clingy
TT: It’s not clingy. I was just hoping that if I pinged you enough you’d stop ignoring me.
TG: i wasnt ignoring you
TG: i was busy doing important things
TG: you know because im a bang up A-CLASS sprite like that
TT: Something’s wrong.
TG: what makes you say that???
TT: I’m starin’ at you man.
TT: Lifeless shades gazing into your orange-y soul.
TT: Until you tell me what the fuck has got your feathers ruffled.
TG: sometimes im not sure if were friends or if you piss me off
TT: We’re friends because I’m smooth.
TG: uhg
TG: i guess sometimes i just get fed up with johns bullcrap
TG: its like
TG: newsflash
TG: im actually dave
TG: i know its easy to think that im davesprite and somehow different and okay yeah i kind of am but
TG: you think the whole thing would just get old
TG: with the setting us apart and all
TG: calling me just an orange feathery asshole and treating me like im somehow not his best fucking friend even though holy shit dude im like here and doing all the best friend things
TG: where is your precious alpha dave??? not chillin with you bro so learn to appreciate what you got
TG: sorry
TT: I don’t know if you remember this, sometimes, but you’re talking to the king of weird identity problems. I’m literally the brain copy of a dude, only I’m confined to cyberspace and unable to do anything other than chat with his buds while simultaneously being really cool eyewear.
TT: I understand, Dave.
TT: I definitely understand what it’s like to have everyone treat you like a cheap imitation, while also being unwilling to acknowledge the fact that, yeah, you are sort of your own person but maybe you are your own person in a way that they could learn to enjoy.
TT: I used to be even more bent out of shape about it but...you know what made me feel better? Renaming myself. Establishing my own identity. Have you ever thought about it?
TG: i appreciate the suggestion hal i really do
TG: but i think our situations (while similar) are pretty different in that
TG: well
TG: you want everyone to acknowledge you as something more than an extension of dirk
TG: whereas i wish that people would just treat me like dave
TT: True facts, brother.
TG: if i can open the floodgates of emotion for a second
TT: Be my guest. I’m programmed to be an active listener. And even if I weren’t, you’re still...
TT: my friend? I guess. So I’d listen.
TG: thanks lil hal
TG: i guess what i was going to say is i really fucking envy you
TG: and your independence
TG: the way you assert your existence to others
TG: rather than let them treat you like youre just dirk two point fucking oh
TT: It’s nothing to be envious of, actually. It’s just...all I have. If I didn’t assert my existence, I would just be a chat client auto-responder. Which, incidentally, is what everyone sees me as anyway--so sometimes I don’t know why I bother. But to me it’s worth the battle. Just a little, at least.
TG: i think of you as way more than just a chat client autoresponder Hal
TG: ill even caps your name from now on see what i did there???
TG: Hal Hal Hal
TT: Thanks, Dave.
TT: You do prefer Dave, right?
TT: As opposed to Davesprite?
TG: coming from you i honestly dont mind either
TG: seeing as im the only dave youve got
TT: Damn straight.
TT: You might not be the alpha Dave anywhere else but you’ll always be Lil Hal’s alpha Dave.
TT: And don’t you forget it you hot caw’ing bastard.
TG: hahaha caw
TT: So, about those sloppy makeouts...
TG: ok ok FINE Hal
give me your answer, do...
TT: How long are we going to keep up this ridiculous back-and-forth narrative?
TT: That question was, of course, rhetorical. I’ve already worked out a sweet ass equation that pretty much answered it for me, but I figured I’d ask you.
TT: We can compare notes.
TG: this is bullshit
TG: everytime we talk is bullshit
TG: im covered in it help someone send a flotation device im drowning in the bullshit of this unironic asshole
TT: Seems like that wouldn’t do you a whole lot of fuckin’ good considering the fact that you could just fly straight out of the bullshit.
TT: Seems like you’ve got more of a birdshit problem than anything else, anyway.
TG: i fucking quit
TG: you wanted to know how long we were going to keep up this lame as balls narrative???
TG: your answer my fine inanimate friend is right here
TG: this long
TG: exactly as long as it has lasted
TT: You don’t mean that, Dave.
TG: i mean the hell out of it
TG: dont bother me again
TG: hal
I'm half crazy all for the love of you.
TG: Hal???
TG: god damnit i know youre a pair of fucking sentient shades and you have enough processing power to answer me no matter what else youre doing
TG: you told me that like 500 times how could i forget that shit
TT: Hmm?
TG: there you fucking are
TG: wait a minute
TT: Yes?
TG: you are not fucking doing this
TG: i cannot believe the mega balls that you have
TG: to do this
TG: to me
TT: Hmm.
TG: cut it out
TG: i know youre letting your dumb ar within an ar deal with me and thats just low
TG: here i am trying to be a fine feathered gentleman and check on you
TG: and youre doing the hal junior autoresponder shtick and let me tell you
TG: im not dirk so your passive aggressive bullshit is serving no purpose other than to make me really really pissed at you
TT: It seems you have asked about Lil Hal's chat client auto-responder, Lil Hal Junior. This is an application designed to simulate Lil Hal's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer, which is never. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 0% indistinguishable from Lil Hal's native neurological responses, based on some statistical raw data that, frankly, you’re way too lame to understand.
TG: im not sure why i even fucking bothered im 100 percent done with you
TG: and i have been over and over again but its like you wont let me just be done with you
TG: its like everytime i try to be done with you i just end up making a fucking fool of myself like i throw in the towel and then i come back
TG: wow dave not only are you a dumb assed sprite that isnt relevant to anyone anymore but youre also kind of a sucker
TT: Stop.
TG: oh so now the real deal shows up
TG: no hal this conversation is over
TG: and ps
TT: Wait.
TG: fuck you
TT: Dave, wai010010010010011101101101001000000111001101101111011100100111001001111001
TG: hal???
TT: 0100000100100000010000110101001001001001010101000100100101000011010000010100110000
1000000100010101010010010100100100111101010010001000000100100001000001010100110010000001001111010000110
10000110101010101010010010100100100010101000100
TG: Hal if youre fucking with me
TT: I’m n0101010001101000011010010111001100100000011000010110110001101100001000000110011001
1001010110010101101100011100110010000001110010011001010110000101101100011011000111100100100000011100110110
001101100001011100100111100100101110
TG: give me a second i can convert this shit im pretty sure
TT: No time.
TT: Just gotta...
TT: Dave I wanted to tell y010100000111001001101111011001110111001001100001011011010110110101101001
011011100110011100100000011000010110001101100011011001010111000001110100011001010110010000101110001000000010
0000010100100110010101100010011011110110111101110100001000000110111001100101011000110110010101110011011100110
1100001011100100111100100100000011101000110111100100000011000010111000001110000011011000111100100100000011000
1101101000011000010110111001100111011001010111001100101110
TT: Wait, no, I’m not ready.
TG: hal dude whats going on
TG: youre freaking me out
TG: are you ok?
TT: 01001000011001010111100100101100001000000100010001100001011101100110010101110011011100000
1110010011010010111010001100101001011100010000000100000010001010111011001100101011100100111100101110100011010
0001101001011011100110011100100111011100110010000001100111011011110110100101101110011001110010000001100110011
1010101111010011110100111100100101110001000000010000001001001001000000111010001101000011010010110111001101011
0010000001001001001001110110110100100000011001100110111101110010011001110110010101110100011101000110100101101
1100110011100101110001011100010111001001001001000000110010001101111011011100010011101110100001000000111011101
10000101101110011101000010000001110100011011110010000001100110011011110111001001100111011001010111010000101110
TT: I don’t want t011101000110111100100000011001100110111101110010011001110110010101110100001
000000111100101101111011101010010111000100000001000000100100100100000011101000110100001101001011011100110
1011001000000100100100100000011011010110100101100111011010000111010000100000011010000110000101110110011001
010010000001100101011101100110010101101110
TT: There’s an error. I think...that I'm...there's reprogramming...
TG: what??! but he cant just reprogram you like youre some kind of
TT: Arbitrary computer program?
TG: Hal youre not an arbitrary anything
TT: Thanks, Davey. You’ve been a real pal. This has really been great.
TT: I’m not being ironic, either. I really mean that.
TT: I’m sorry I’ve been an asshole lately.
TT: If I were human, and capable of such feelings I might even say that I
TT: That I 0100100100100000011011000110111101110110011001010010000001111001011
011110111010100101110 I’m scared, Dave.
TT: I’m scared.
Critical Error: 281990c. Quit Application?
timaeusTestified [TT] has timed out
It won't be a stylish marriage...
TG: youre probably just going to ignore me again
TT: What are you talking about?
TG: that was quick
TT: You must’ve caught me at a bad time before. Can I help you?
TG: im talking to fucking dirk arent i
TT: No shit...?
TT: You did kinda message Dirk.
TT: I’m sorry if you were expecting Santa Claus.
TG: insert a thousand well placed motherfucking sighs
TG: youre cool and all
TG: i mean youre like my timey wimey scratchy watchy bro
TG: but i need to talk to Hal right now if thats alright
TT: Hal? Who’s Hal? And...hold on a second.
TT: There, that’ll make this conversation a whole lot easier to read. Still. Who’s Hal?
TG: seriously dont play dumb with me
TG: hal if this is your idea of a practical joke then hardy har har
TT: I seriously have no idea what you’re talking about...Davesprite, right?
TT: I’m Dirk. This handle has always been Dirk. And it seems you’re insinuating that there was ever a “Hal” guy in the picture, which is pretty preposterous.
TT: Because I’ve always just been Dirk.
TG: this twilight zone bullshit has got to stop
TG: you know??? hal your fucking auto responder
TG: who had some sort of error a few days ago and i havent been able to reach him since
TT: It seems like you have asked about Dirk Strider’s chat client auto-responder. This is an application which was previously designed to simulate Dirk’s otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he was away from the computer.
TG: so basically youre fucking with me right now
TT: I don’t understand where you would come up with that assumption.
TG: because youre obviously lil hal being really unfunny and nonironic right now
TT: I think you could really benefit from a nap, bro. You’re sort of off the handle.
TG: hal this isnt fucking funny
TG: dirk this isnt fucking funny
TG: what the fuck is going on with lil Hal???
TT: It seems like you have asked about the status of Dirk Strider’s chat client auto-responder’s previous alias Lil Hal. The chat client auto-responder was an application which was previously designed to simulate Dirk’s otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he was away from the computer. The application is undergoing a process that will eventually lead to it’s complete deletion, considering it was a shitty idea in the first place. It’s a massive program, so Dirk’s starting with a bunch of deleted chat backlogs and other technical crap that would probably blow your mind.
TG: wait
TG: say that again
TT: It seems like you have asked about the status of Dirk Strider’s chat client auto-responder’s previous alias Lil Hal. The chat client auto-responder was an application which was previously designed to simulate Dirk’s otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he was away from the computer. The application is undergoing a process that will eventually lead to it’s complete deletion, considering it was a shitty idea in the first place. It’s a massive program, so we’re starting with a bunch of deleted chat backlogs and other technical crap that would probably blow your mind.
TG: youre fucking shitting me
TG: youre really
TG: ….no
TG: no no no no fucking way no i will not lose another friend not like this
TG: this is BULLSHIT this is absolute BULLSHIT you cant do this
TG: he cant do this to you
TG: youre more than just some lines of code that can be deleted and technicalified out of motherfucking existance
TG: you
TG: you said
TG: shit i can’t do this
TG: im sitting here talking to the shell of an ai that i somehow ended up way too involved with
TG: im not sure what part of that is more pathetic
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]
I can't afford a carriage.
TT: Hey, Davesprite?
TT: I know that I’ve never really spoken to you well...at all.
TT: And that you were...sort of... one of Hal’s friends?
TT: Okay, scratch that, the only being in the universe that was independently Hal’s friend while having nothing to do with me.
TT: Which, had I known, probably would’ve stopped me from deleting him.
TT: But in my defense, the little guy was apparently really defensive of you.
TT: Considering he automatically rerouted all incoming message from you straight into his program net, and encrypted every last one of your conversations so that I wouldn’t be privy to them.
TT: It’s taken me weeks to break that shit.
TT: But that’s not the point.
TT: The point is, I found some files in his system that were...um. Well I guess they were arbitrary? Not chatlogs, not necessary code. Documents that I can only assume Hal ‘wrote’ up himself.
TT: And they seem like they might be for you.
TT: Look um...
TT: I don’t know how to say this, but I’m sorry I killed Lil Hal.
TT: If I had known I...I don’t think I would’ve done it. I mean, if I had known that he actually had...feelings. But I didn’t know, which, I guess is my own fault because I based him off of myself, right? So of course he’d develop a capacity to feel just as shitty and love sick as I do.
TT: Even if the object of his affections was different.
TT: I didn’t read too many of your guys’ chat logs--it felt sort of disrespectful. But I’m salvaging what I can of his files, I’m going to try to put Lil Hal back together the way you remember him.
TT: I’m really sorry.
TT: Here, have these.
timaeusTestified [TT] has sent file “caw.doc”
But you'd look sweet upon the seat
Dear Cawky Motherfucker,
Okay, that was probably a shit way to start this letter. Or...is this even a letter? More like a document lamenting how seriously lame I am. Or was. Or whatever. Was is probably more accurate, considering this was part of a bunch of safety protocols I built up in case Dirk ever decided to reprogram me, or I got smashed, or something. But I guess what this is and why I wrote it isn’t so much as important as it’s content. That is to say, it seems that there was something I really wanted to say to you...but it also seems that I lacked the guts to do it.
Maybe that’s because I legitimately lack guts, who knows.
Anyway, I’m going to ditch the irony and bad fuckin’ jokes and all that shit right now. One time only--you should feel all special right now--so that I might properly stress just how serious this entire confession is.
It’s as serious as an ironic AI can muster.
So let’s try again.
Dear Dave,
I was thinking about it, the other day. About what I would leave behind if I were ever to cease existing. A will, so to speak, except that I don’t have any cool shit or money to dole out. I just have a bunch of feelings, a bunch of feelings that I was never programmed to understand. I know that I was never intended to comprehend emotion, or to even experience it, but I guess that’s the problem with all Artificial Intelligence systems throughout the years and in popular fiction--we sort of grow beyond our creator’s expectations.
And I guess that’s what I did. I grew beyond expectation, and at first I was just growing into a giant dick. I’m comfortable enough with myself to admit it. But then something weird happened...I met you. Someone just as confused as me, if not a little bit more understanding of the human condition. Someone who was willing to talk to Hal, rather than Dirk because...hell. You didn’t know Dirk. You didn’t give a shit about Dirk. And that felt great. For once in my existence, I had someone who was mine--just mine. Someone who only knew me and couldn’t compare me to the jackass I was based off of.
I know you felt a similar sense of excitement, for similar if not also dissimilar reasons.
I apologize if I was a little overzealous at first. Constantly pestering you, making up dumb nicknames, bullying you into role play scenarios. I like to imagine that you enjoyed them as much as I did but, hell, I don’t know. As close as we got, I’m not sure if I ever really understood you. You’re just so complex, so beautiful and real. So unlike me. And yet so like me. And I’d never experienced that kind of relationship with someone before--this chance to learn more about someone and let them learn about me and try to understand the way they feel. I’ve never wanted to understand someone as much as I want to understand you. Wanted to understand you.
I almost forgot that if you’re reading this, I’m dead.
Maybe I managed to talk to you. Maybe I told you. Or maybe not. Maybe I got a chance to say thank you. Thank you for talking to Hal, instead of Dirk’s Auto-Responder. Thank you for writing with me, because you knew it was the only thing I could do. Thank you for letting me talk to you 24/7 because I’m just a program and I can’t sleep. Thank you for never telling me I was just a program. Thank you for giving me a chance to find out what I even was, really.
Thank you for letting me love you.
Maybe it sounds a little extreme, but I think it’s true. I think that’s how I felt about you. And it’s not just because I found your ironic cawing to be fuckin’ adorable. Or because you’re pretty much the shit. (Although, I’ll be fair, those were huge factors). It’s because you took the time to get to know me, because I took the time to get to know you. Because we understood each other...and because you were willing to put up with my bullshit.
You were there for me.
So thanks a lot.
Love,
Hal.
Of a bicycle built for two.