Chapter Text
As soon as Sydney Adamu heard those words, the entire world felt like it was on the verge of tipping off its axis. She reached out a trembling hand for balance and quickly retracted it when she realized she was a distance away from the fence. Her body could feel the rush of the atmosphere spinning and on the precipice of collapsing. She could feel it in her bones.
Her father. Heart attack. Hospital.
Those words echoed throughout her mind, pounding it like a thousand hammers. It was the only thing she could focus on, a ringing sensation increasing in her ears.
Her father. Heart attack. Hospital.
She shook like a leaf, her body succumbing to the panic that plagued her body. These sensations gave way to a feeling she recognized like the back of her hand. Sinking. Drowning. Choking. She had been feeling that way often. She couldn’t turn it off no matter how hard she tried.
Carmen Berzatto’s voice knocked the wind out of her. She didn’t need him right now. The idea of him seeing her like this, a complete mess, made her sick. Each attempt to pull herself together was futile; her knees on the verge of collapsing and her vision blurring more by the second. The longer she thought about it, the more it made her want to crumble. She was unable to put it out of her mind.
She barely registered the words that poured from him. Nor could she stop the words that poured from her.
Her dad. Heart attack. Hospital.
Her mind was on autopilot. She was spiraling. Drowning. Succumbing to that familiar sinking feeling. It was too much.
Carmy must have a sixth sense as he amped up on his comfort. He wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulders, his palm rubbing soothing circles on her shoulder blades. His voice was so soft she wasn’t used to it.
He wouldn’t take no for an answer. He was adamant on accompanying her to the hospital. She would rather crawl in a ditch than inflict burden onto him. He seemed to think otherwise for some reason. Nonetheless, she had no energy to fight him. After some back and forth conversation, she finally let out a nod at his request. He was going to the hospital with her.
Warm hands were gently yet firmly placed on her shoulders, guiding her back into the restaurant. He was like her lighthouse in this moment, leading her through the eye of the storm and into the clearing. As much as she just wanted to lock herself in the walk-in and tell everyone to fuck off, she had no mental energy to even speak. She heard voices that belonged to neither of them, inquiring about their whereabouts. She was grateful that Carmy took on the task to shoo them off. The idea of speaking made her sick.
Everything in this moment made her sick.
She should’ve been better. She should know to navigate this by herself. She couldn’t have anyone see her like this. Especially Carmy, who has only ever seen her at her best.
If only she could silence her thoughts and solely focus on this. Nothing was enough to drown out her spiraling mind. No amount of comfort could quell her worst fears coming to fruition.
She was grateful for his continued reassurances. It anchored her. Kept her from falling out of reality, it seemed. It reminded her that he was here.
“I’m here,” he continued, reaffirming this notion.
“Im right here”
He was the one constant in this current nightmare.
It scared her. If she was being honest. It terrified her to her very core. The very that she found solace in her work partner: someone who should’ve only saw her when she was at her best. Someone who was now witnessing her at her worst. Someone who didn’t outwardly seem to mind any of it. It made her want to vomit. She couldn’t comprehend any of these notions.
How could someone like him, perfect at everything he attempted, being nothing but kind to her was so foreign. She was crumbling to her very core. She was the exact opposite of what she promised she would be to him. How he could understand was a notion she had yet to register. She should’ve been better. She should’ve been stronger. Yet somehow, he understood,
It was almost as if he knew it personally. It was almost as if he had been through the very notions himself.
She barely had time to dwell on these thoughts as the Uber bid them a farewell, and he delicately led her out of the car. It was as if her whole world was being fast- forwarded, unable to register time passing her by. She looked up. The place was too reminiscent of her late mother: the monitor beeping drilling through her head and the dreaded aroma of antiseptic. It was as if water filled her through and laughed in her face as she made poor attempts to breathe.
“Hey, hey”
A voice caught her attention. She cursed herself for not initially recognizing it. Nonetheless, she focused on it. It was all she could do. None of her surroundings were recognizable.
“Breathe with me, okay?”
It was just a simple request. It should’ve been easy. She ought to slug herself for not being able to successfully perform this task on the get-go. She was an adult. She should’ve known better.
She wanted to curl into a ball and sob like a baby so bad. She was so ill prepared for this it made her sick. God, she was beyond embarrassed.
She couldn’t do something as simple as breathing before erupting into a cough fit. She felt so pathetic. Carmy was quick to sooth her, reaching out a tentative hand for her to hold. It was calloused yet gently gripped hers as if she were fragile. He began to rub circles on her palm with his thumb, the motion helping to ground her.
She glanced at the hospital building and back at him, panic overtaking her. Memories resurfaced that she thought she healed from. The inevitable thought of her father having the same fate made her want to vomit. She couldn’t lose him. She couldn’t live without him.
Her knees buckled and she cupped her face, using all her willpower not to vomit in front of Carmy. All she could do was focus on his touch. The ringing in her ears continued, muffling his voice. Her vision was blurry from tears and was unable to get a clear view of him. She felt so trapped. She squeezed his hand unconsciously, as if he were her anchor. As if he were her lighthouse, guiding her out of a grueling storm. She didn’t want to think much of it. The thought alone terrified her.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a warm hand being placed on her shoulder, the sensation ever so tender. She wanted to cry. She didn’t know if she deserved it.
“Breathe with me, Syd. You’re okay. I gotcha. Just breathe.”
Just breathe. It should’ve been a simple task. It was lost on her. She felt useless. Another coughing fit ensued and she just registered that they were in public. Everyone could see how pathetic she was. She wanted to crawl into a corner and sob her eyes out.
Carmy just cooed and increased the rubbing motions on her hand, the other one on her shoulder giving a gentle squeeze. She wanted to apologize until she was sick, but words were a luxury she couldn’t afford at the moment. All she could do was make poor attempts at controlling her breathing. She was currently unable to grasp the patience he had for her. It was so unlike him. Not that she complained; she wouldn’t know what to do if she were alone. Perhaps it was better that he was present.
She met his gaze for the first time since he found her out back. His eyes were similar to that of a puppy. His slight smile carried both compassion and concern. It filled her stomach with an unfamiliar and indescribable feeling. The worst part was that it wasn’t the first time he looked at her like this. She hated how the sight alone was enough to put her ever so slightly at ease. She was so used to navigating situations like these by herself. This was uncharted waters, and she hated the uncertain.
Carmy continued his mantras, squeezing her hand every so often. She squeezed back unconsciously.
Breathe. Focus on Carmy.
Those were the two things echoing in her mind at the moment as she tried to push the other thoughts to the back burner. She had to be strong for her dad. He needed her. He was the one who needed comfort, not her. Yet, here she was: taking her time to calm down. Wasting away minutes that could be spent with him.
She wasn’t there. Maybe this whole ordeal could’ve been avoided if she was there. After all, he was always there for her. Why couldn’t she return the favor?
Various apologies ran through her mind as she turned to face the building, giving a silent confirmation to Carmy that she was ready to go in. The thought of speaking made her sick. He didn’t push, almost as if he understood.
She was hit with the aroma of antiseptic as they entered the building. She could feel her mother’s presence as soon as the smell grazed her nose.
She didn’t realize she was still grasping Carmy’s hand until she arrived at the reception desk.