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It was a somber ride back home. Watching Angel help her brother inside should have carried with it a sense of accomplishment. Instead, all the turtles felt was pure exhaustion. Exhaustion, mixed with horror, disgust and more than a little uneasiness.
“What did you guys see?” Leo asked softly as he drove.
His three brothers asked, almost in unison. “Huh?”
“After the creature…when you were in the pods. What did you see?”
Mikey froze.
Raph stiffened.
Donnie swallowed. “Well, Angel was—“
“Why does it matter, Leo?” Raph interrupted. “The thing’s dead.”
Yeah, Leo. Mikey pondered to himself. No point in asking. No point. No point.
“Because I saw myself killing Master Splinter.” Leo said it so bluntly but the sharpness to his words carried all the weight he felt. “And that tells me something about myself I need to know.”
“What the fuck does that tell you?” Mikey yelled, far louder than he meant to. But… what was his brother talking about? Fears were just…fears. What they'd seen…what he'd seen, it didn't mean anything.
It couldn't.
All three of his brothers--even Raph!—went aghaust, then turned and shouted back(even Leo took his eyes off the road for a split second to look over his shoulder), “Language, Mikey!”
“Oh, don't tell me that!” Mikey poked at Raph specifically, enjoying the fact he could smack him in the back of the head for once. He should know better than to steal shotgun. “I learned it from you!”
“Don't sound right coming out of your mouth.” the gruff turtle admitted.
Leo, to his credit, addressed his brother’s inquiry. “It tells me that being in control is something vital to me.”
Donnie rolled his eyes. “Duh. You didn't need a monster to tell you that. I could have told you that.”
Raph and Mikey each raised a hand. “Us, too.”
“My point,” Leo stressed. “Is that the monster found something vulnerable in us. We should use this as a strengthening exercise.”
“Leo.” There was a slight softness to Raph’s tone. “You do know we are mortal, right? You ain't gonna get every weakness out of us.”
A nod. “I know that. But sometimes there's things we fear that we push down. That we don't like to admit. And that can put us in danger.”
The ride went went quiet. The silence of introspection. No one wanted to be the first to join in on Leo’s request. He realized it and started talking again.
“It was like a loop. A constant loop. Master Splinter came and freed me. We were attacked. I couldn’t save him. Until…until I protested, until I started questioning. Then he turned on me and I... I… killed him.”
Donnie sighed. “You respect him so much Leo. But maybe this… maybe this was playing around with your worry about when…well, the inevitable happens.”
None of them ever said it but they all knew. Their Father…well, they would outlive him. By how much was the question.
Mikey frowned but kept his mouth shut. While he agreed with his brother’s assessment, he saw something else. Of a time when his oldest brother might have to go against their Sensei. Of being strong enough in his conviction, in his own morals to do so.
It was a terrifying notion. The idea that one day, their morals and their father’s might not align.
But as far as Mikey was concerned, his brothers were doing enough soul-searching without that massive weight.
Leo responded to Donnie. “Maybe. I know it'll come eventually. I…I'll be head of the family when that happens. I hope I can hold it together.”
Ralph clamped his hand to his brother’s shoulder. “When it does, you ain't gonna be alone, Bro.”
A smile, exhausted but a smile. “Thanks.”
Quiet again, just the wheels of the Battle Shell against the asphalt. Oddly enough, it was Raph that broke the quiet that time.
“I knocked Shredder’s helmet off and saw my own face.”
Donnie blinked. Leo kept his eyes ahead but nodded. Just letting the knowledge sink in.
Mikey was having none of that, leaned over the seat and wrapped his brother in a hug from behind. “Raph, you’d never do that.”
He squeezed his brother back, no attempt to dissuade. For all his bravado, Raph loved a good hug. “You sure? Cause my temper might disagree with ya.”
Now, Leo laughed. A laugh of utter bewilderment. “Raph, I won't deny you've got a temper. I also won't deny your stubbornness drives me absolutely insane.”
Donnie coughed, “Pot meet kettle.”
If Leo heard, he ignored it. “But you use those things to protect this family. And much as we give you grief, I know you would never hurt this family.”
Mikey grinned. “Yeah, everyone knows Raphie is a big puppy dog underneath!”
“I’ll give you a puppy dog, you knucklehead.” he reached back for his brother but the younger one easily squirmed out of reach.
“Donnie?”
“Angel. I couldn't save her.” The explanation was swift but no less poignant. “She was depending on me and I wasn't there.”
Huffing, Raph said, “Well, we know that's bull. Cause you half kill yourself taking care of everyone else.”
“Yeah,” Mikey beamed and waved his hands over his brother like he was an advertisement, “Need a gadget fixed or invented? Can’t quite shake that cold? Or maybe hacking the most high tech security in the world is on your to-do list? Look no further than my bro, the turtle in the lovely violet—Donatello!”
“You chucklehead,” Donnie snorted but good-naturedly.
“He ain't lying though, Donnie. If there's a way for you to do something, you do it. And if it ever happens that you can't —” Raph grinned and Leo chimed in.
“That’s what we’re here for.”
A light laugh. Maybe Leo was onto something. Just talking about it did help. The resident genius turtle turned to the youngest. “So, that leaves you, Mikey—”
“Ooo!” The orange-banded boy leapt up, leaning in between his two older brothers up front, pointing through the windshield. “McDonalds! Can we stop Leo? Fighting a primordial—”
“Oh, you using big words now?” Raph teased lightly. Mikey ignored him.
“—being works up such an appetite and I'm hungry! Please, please, please?!”
“Mikey, we aren't exactly able to stroll in.”
“Use the drive-thru. We’re under clearance.”
“And you don't think they're not gonna notice my green face?” A hat and scarf suddenly dropped on Leo’s head and when he turned, Donnie gave him a sheepish grin.
“This time of night? They'll just care if your money is green. It's New York. Mikey has a point—”
“Will wonders never cease,” Raph stretched as he spoke but there was warmth in his eyes.
“—We need to eat. Even if it McDonalds barely classifies as food.”
Mikey leaned forward, rested his chin on Leo’s right shoulder, “See? Donnie wants some, too. Pleeeaaassaeee, ‘nii-san?”
“Mikey, is that the only Japanese you bothered to learn?”
“All that I can say around you. Please?” He puckered out his lip.
“Ugh…fine. Fine.” Grumbling, Leo pulled into the parking lot as his brothers ducked down. He needed to get better at resisting little brothers.
“Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your order?”
“Hi. Yes, I'll have a Big Mac meal, large with a Coke. Extra Big Mac sauce. A 2 cheeseburger meal, large with a Sprite. A nugget meal—”
“4, 6, 10 or 20 piece?” came the monotone interruption.
“10. With sweet and sour sauce. Large with a Coke. A cheeseburger Happy Meal with Hi-C orange and an extra cheeseburger. Extra pickles in both those burgers.”
“Boy or girl for the Happy Meal?”
“What’s the toy right now?”
“Duel Masters or My Little Pony.”
“Pony.”
“Will that be all?”
“Yes, that's enough damage, trust me.”
“Your total is $20.44, please pull up to the second window.”
“Thanks.” Leo pulled forward, deposited the cash in the bored worker’s hand, gathered what felt like an army of bags, and paused in the parking lot to distribute.
“Raph, Big Mac. Donnie, nuggets. Burgers for me—with a rational number of pickles. Happy meal for Mikey plus the extra burger.”
“Thanks, Leo!” came 3 nearly identical responses. The leader rolled his eyes, shook his head but he'd be lying if he said there wasn't a smile on his face.
“Oh, the fries are hot! Yes!”
“Lots of bag fries too! We got a cool worker this time.”
“Mikey, do you want a burger with all those pickles?”
“Pickles are amazing, Bro!”
Leo waited until all three had their bags and drinks and they didn't waste time digging in. “Are we all satisfied now?” he leaned over the back of his seat a little but couldn't stop the chuckle. Such a small thing could boost their spirits.
After a night like tonight, he'd take a chuckle.
“Cool! I got Minty. I don't have her yet!” Mikey grinned, displaying the green plastic pony got all to see. “Ive got the perfect spot in my stable got her. How’d you know I'd want the pony?”
“Same way I knew you wanted extra pickles, Raph wanted extra sauce and Donnie wanted sweet and sour. I know you guys.”
“Well, you got a good memory.” Raph bit into his burger, swallowed and offered the open bag with his brother’s orders to Leo. “You don't eat those fries, I will.”
Taking a handful, Leo popped them in his mouth, savored the taste a moment, then pulled back out into the road.
OOO
The darkness was suffocating.
Mikey sat in the gloom of his room, arms wrapped around his legs. After a shower, he and his brothers all trudged off to their own rooms, in hopes of getting some much earned sleep. Raph even commented about postponing early morning training and Leo hadn't batted an eye.
He's probably most tired. He's the one that speared Cthulhu.
Thankfully, with everyone fed by the time they got home, no one seemed to remember Mikey never discussed what the monster showed him and he was quite content to keep it that way.
He didn't want to think about it—the version of his oldest brother who allied with the creature and turned against him. The darkness that had seeped from those red eyes. The way he was… nothing to him. How his brother had been so quick to just attack him.
No, not your brother. Wasn't Leo remember?
He tried to. But…he’d looked like Leo, he'd sounded like Leo. No matter how hard he tried, Mikey hadn't been able to strike back. Not with true intent to hurt.
And…and was it so far-fetched that one day Leo or his other brothers would decide he was too much of a bother? He wasn't exactly winning any awards for bravery, smarts or skill.
Except for Battle Nexus Champion!
That was a farce. Luck. And you know it. You're no more a true champion than a mongrel is married to the dog who fathered her puppies.
If you were… then why does the only praise for it come from your own mouth?
I hate when my brain does this…
Mikey stood. He wasn't sleeping here. Too dark. Too much like those caverns. Too easy for his brain to run off without him.
But going to his brothers wasn't an option either. Cause then they’d ask. They'd ask what he saw. And he couldn't...what if they said the creature was right to get rid of him?
They wouldn't say that.
Would they? Logically, you are the weakest link. The team is only as strong as the weakest. Poison something enough and the source has to be eradicated.
But… they're my brothers.
By happenstance. No more or less.
But they love me.
Are you sure? You don't even love yourself.
What about Master Splinter? The idea perked in the turtle's mind for a moment but he swiftly dismissed it. No. No. No. He had to show his father he could handle this. Was he a ninja or not?
Some ninja. Even your own father rejects your ideas.
The room was too hot. Too stuffy. Too heavy. Mikey left, he almost ran out of it. The halls were dark. Too dark. Too like that place. Too close to that creature.
Creaks, drips, unknown whispers of sound. When they'd first moved in, Donnie had pulled him aside and explained what each noise was which tended to prevent his imagination from going into overdrive.
But that no longer provided the old comfort it once did. Everything was so real in that pod. The sound. The smell. The sight.
How…how did he know he wasn't still in the pod? Maybe all this was to get his guard down only to throw his mind into chaos again?
Too dark. Needed light.
Jumping from the second floor down to the first, Mikey ran for the living room like the floor was going to swallow him up. Curling into the couch, he turned the television on, dropping the volume.
Immediately the room was flooded with light. He didn't truly care what was on the screens. What was important was that he wasn't in the dark anymore.
But those sounds. The thoughts. Those fears fostered in his brain. Was this…was it all an elaborate illusion?
You would be too stupid to realize you were still trapped.
Your brothers probably chose to leave you there. Easy fix for their biggest headache.
The creature will at least make some good use of you. Only good you've ever been to anyone.
No one wants you.
No one has ever wanted you.
Mikey bit at his fingers, a habit he developed when he stopped sucking his thumb—usually when he was anxious. Master Splinter had tried castor oil and other foul-tasting things with little effect. His brothers had helped him break the habit, mainly with incentives and providing stuffed animals he could hold instead.
Most of his plushies had been lost when their first Lair collapsed. Despite everything going on, he hadn't needed them so there’d been no rush to replace them.
He’d been eleven the last time it got this intense.
Come to me. Come to me.…
Mikey’s bites drew blood.
OOO
Leo sat up abruptly. Hand to his plastron, he frowned, trying to place the feeling that had jerked him out of sleep. It hadn't been dreams, oddly enough. He'd actually expected nightmares but nothing.
This felt more like when he got a feeling about his brothers. The twinge in his gut that science couldn't explain but was almost always accurate.
Swinging his feet down, Leo crept out of his room into the quiet hall and found himself joined by Donnie and Raph at almost the same moment.
Apparently, they were just as surprised as he was.
“Leo?” Donnie asked. “What are you doing up?”
“Could ask you the same thing. I got a feeling.”
“You too?”
Raph snorted. “Make it three. What the shell?”
Glancing around, Leo didn't spy his youngest brother. He was a step toward his brother’s room when the light from downstairs caught his eye.
“You leave the computers on, Donnie?”
“Those ain't the computers,” Raph answered. “That's the TV. If that chucklehead is the reason I woke up..”
Raph jumped down and a moment later, Leo and Donnie followed.
Winding toward the source of light, Raph called, “Mikey, just cause you can't sleep don't mean...oh. Oh, shell, Mikey.”
Leo and Donnie closed the distance and then stopped cold. But only for a moment. Then Donnie changed to Doctor mode and Leo to Big Brother mode.
Mikey was sitting on the couch, holding his knees tight into his chest as he rocked back and forth.
And chewing his fingers raw.
“Mikey, hey. Hey.” Raph reached him first, gently pulling the abused hand from his brother’s mouth. The skin was ripped and bleeding, staining the green color red. “Remember, we talked a while ago. No chewing.”
Mikey blinked and looked up as Donnie started to turn his hand over, tsking under his breath as he did. He reached over to the side table, pulling out a first aid kit. Given their lifestyle, they'd made a habit a while ago of keeping one in almost every room. “Mikey, do you know how filthy the mouth is? You're gonna get these infected so easily.”
“Raph? Donnie? Leo?” the younger thrtke finally spoke, almost like he was in a daze.
“Last time I checked.” Leo sat next to Mikey, wrapping an arm around his little brother’s shoulder. “What's going on? Bad dream?”
“Uh uh.” Mikey shook his head.
Leo tried again. “Can't sleep at all?”
A pause. Ah. So that was it.
“Can’t blame ya.” Raph shuddered. “I ain't gonna get last night out of my head for a while.”
“Why didn't you come to us, though?” Wiping his brother's tortured fingers with a soapy towelette and preparing some ointment, Donnie set his younger brother with a curious gaze. “You know you can come to any of us or to Master Splinter.”
A shake of the head but no words.
Leo frowned, thinking back to saving his brother from the pods. The utter relief he'd seen in his face. And actually…wait a minute...
“Mikey, you never talked about what the creature showed you. That has to do with this, doesn't it?”
Mikey yanked his hands from Donnie's so fast that the genius almost dropped the salve he was using and the youngest turtle’s hands went right into his mouth again, small bites up and down the fingers.
“Okay, okay, no, no. No biting.” Leo pulled Mikey into his lap, wrapping him in a tight embrace. To both comfort him and keep his arms restrained. “Raph, do we have any of Mikey’s plushies that survived the move?”
“The old panda, maybe?” He rose. “If she's still in one piece. On it.” Raph leapt over the back of the couch and back to the upper level.
Leo held his brother tight. “Mikey, it's okay to be scared but we can't help you if you don't talk to us.”
Mikey wanted to. He did. But...what if they told him what he was afraid of? What if this was an illusion? What if he'd been sacrificed as the worst of them?
His fingers tingled but with Leo’s firm grip, they weren’t getting near his mouth. Focus, he tried to coach himself. Re-center.
Useless. Liability. Worthless.
“Brain won't shut up!” Mikey finally said.
Leo nodded, grateful for something to work with. “Okay. Let's see if we can get those thoughts out here then so we can deal with them.”
A fierce shake of the head.
“Mikey.” Donnie that time. “What is it? Let us help. You have to talk to us.”
A clatter behind them as Raph returned.
“Here. She's beaten all to shell but she'll work.” He sat in the edge of the couch and handed over a stuffed panda. The old thing had been repaired more times than they could count and boosted a pirate patch where its left eye had fallen out. The fur was worn bare in places but there was enough left to cuddle with.
Mikey embraced the thing so tightly his brothers were briefly afraid the seams might give way. But they held out and Mikey gradually started to relax.
“See?” Donnie applied some bandaids to his little brother’s deeper wounds. “Does that help?”
A nod as he buried his face into the panda fur.
Leo stroked his brother’s head. “Talk to us, little brother. You saw we all had things that creature told us that weren't true. But we had to work it out.”
“What if you agree with it?” Mikey finally said. Hard to make out with his face buried but Leo, Raph, and Donnie were quite fluent in Mikey-ese.
“Is that what you're so afraid of?” Leo asked, his tone gentle.
“I… I agree with it.”
“Then tell us so we can correct that thinking.” Donnie placed a hand on his brother’s thigh. “Like we corrected mine and Leo and Raph’s. Like you helped us , now let us help you .The creature wants you to keep it secret. Remember, anticipation is always worse than the actual event.”
Raph reached over, gave his youngest brother a rub on the head. “And I’ll be damned if some octopus reject knows my brother better than us.”
Mikey pondered this. The soft panda gave him something to grasp. Leo’s arms were warm and welcoming. Donnie held so much worry in his voice. Even Raph was being pretty gentle.
And…yeah… who would really know him better?
He'd place his bets on the one who knew his McDonald's order over the foreign alien slug.
“IsawaLeowhogottakenoverbythecreaturesndattackedmeandwhywouldntitbecauseImtheweakestpartofthisteamandmaybeImstilltherebecausewhywouldntwanttogetridofmecauseImsuchapainintheshell…”
All in one breath, rapid-fire, with him stumbling over words as he went. All with tears in his eyes that began to drip down his cheeks.
“JusttellmeImrightandgetitoverwith..”
Instead of the confirmation he dreaded, Mikey found his head pulled tight into Leo’s chest, tucked under his brother’s chin, Leo’s strong ‘thump, thump, thump’ of a heartbeat an anchor to his spirit. Leo rubbed his shell in wide circles and a light churr rumbled from his chest.
Mikey’s own chirps responded in kind, leaving a warmth in his core that was impossible to fake. I’m here. I'm home.
Donnie’s arms were wrapped around him, caressing his head and that warm voice. “Oh, you silly thing. What utter bullish--”
Ooo, Donnie cussing. How often did that happen?
Raph interrupted, “I might just have to go kill that thing again for putting such trash in your head.”
That ferocity always meant protection.
“Mikey,” Leo’s voice was solid, unwavering. “We would never leave you there. Or anywhere. You're our little brother. We aren’t complete without you.”
“Damn right.” Raph leaned over the back of the couch. “The fucking monster squid doesn't know what it's talking about.”
“But,” Mikey’s voice was beginning to slow down. “I'm a coward…”
“The shell you are.” Leo shook his head. “You’ve got a healthy amount of fear. And being courageous isn't being fearless.”
“It's not?”
“No.” Donnie chimed in. “Being fearless is just being stupid. You can't be brave if you're not afraid. Courage is acting in spite of fear and you do that all the time!”
“And sounds to me like the damn creature knew that. He knew you were an asset to us. You scared him.”
There was no teasing, no sarcasm in Raph’s tone. His eyes were as serious as Mikey had ever seen them.
“I agree.” Donnie nodded. “He was trying to break us up any way he could. Self-doubt is an amazingly effective one.”
Mikey blinked, still pressed hard against his eldest brother. Shifting his eyes up, he asked, “Leo?”
Warmth radiated from that smile and a soft kiss was placed on Mikey’s forehead. “Listen to me, Mikey. Do we get frustrated with you sometimes? Sure but no more than we get frustrated with one another. You're a part of my team…our team…that gives us hope. And hope carries us through everything.”
That gentle warmth in Mikey’s chest grew.
“Do you understand?”
Mikey nodded and the mirror of a smile graced his face.
Donnie stood, patting his brother’s thigh as he stood. “I vote turtle pile tonight, whatta you say?”
Leo nodded. “Should have done it in the first place.”
Raph stretched. “Leo’s room?”
A collective nod. When Leo moved to stand, his little brother clung to him like a monkey. Shifting his stance a bit to compensate, the oldest just took on his brother's weight and made his way upstairs.
Leo’s room was usually the first choice if the brothers wanted to sleep in one big pile. He was minimalistic and the futon gave just enough support without taking up much space.
Donnie and Raph had pulled the blankets from the closet and pushed the large pillows (usually reserved for when they did traditional tea to preserve their knees) into the center.
“Here.” Leo gently deposited his youngest brother in the middle of the pile, laying down next to him. Mikey wasted no time in nuzzling into his brother’s chest again. Donnie took up Mikey’s other side while Raph took up a horizontal position at the head of the group.
Once blankets were arranged and positions confirmed, the red-banded turtle reached up and killed the light.
“Feel safe, now?” Leo said softly to his youngest brother.
While Mikey paused a moment to think, he nodded. “…yeah.”
“I heard some hesitation, little brother.”
“Well, I mean, what if I push you too far one say? Or I screw up on a mission or—”
Leo gently brushed his brother’s cheeks, rubbing the remains of the tears away. “Mikey. You might make mistakes. You might drive us crazy. I might even get angry at you. But I promise, I will never abandon you.”
“Not ever? Not even—”
“Mikey,” Leo kissed his brother’s forehead and gently pulled away. Just enough that he could lock eyes. “Michelangelo. I promise you. On my honor .”
A sense of complete faith flooded the turtle’s heart. If his brother swore on his honor then nothing on this world or any other would stop him. And his brother would not make such a vow if he had any doubts.
If he had any doubts in him , he wouldn't promise.
“Same, Mikey.” Donnie hugged his brother right.
“And make sure you don't forget it, ya little twerp.” Raph rubbed his sibling’s head a moment. “Now go to sleep. Well be here if you need us.”
The youngest turtle curled up tight among his siblings, wrapped one arm around his oldest brother, took comfort in the warmth of Donnie at his back and the strong form of Raph above his head--deliberately placed between him and the door. If anything came, it would meet Raph first.
Safe .
Mikey slept.