Chapter Text
Everything is going to shit. Fuck this. Fuck the bed, fuck the food, fuck everyone and this place. And Ekko can especially go fuck himself.
Jinx is fine .
She’s fine and didn’t need all this extra shit that she was forced into. She didn’t need to be put in this place.
She took some pills—so what?
She wanted to die—so what?
Ekko should be glad she went down the easier route for survival. She could have chosen worse, but she didn’t. She could have jumped off the roof—which she considered for days since their apartment complex was a pretty tall building—but she didn’t. But of course, he had to make this a whole fiasco, right? He’s always been overdramatic, and this just confirmed it for her.
It wasn’t her fault that he walked in at the worst time. It wasn’t her fault that she was in the middle of swallowing that shit ton amount of pills when he opened the door to her room as if he owned the place. Okay, maybe she shouldn’t have been blasting her headphones to the max so that she didn’t hear the knocking but still, he had no right. Yet he’s always been so entitled. So fucking entitled that he gets to decide when she doesn’t die.
Now the nickname fit him well: The Boy Saviour. The boy who received that nickname by being the sensitive person he was; saving small animals, plants, and even Jinx when they were younger. The boy who now, so heroically, went to her rescue and got her to throw up half of the medication she had swallowed. The boy who so heroically managed to get her submitted to the mental hospital in hopes she’d get better. Funny how fucking entitled he was to think this would make things better.
This was supposed to be it, but no matter what she does, she just couldn’t seem to die.
She knew that this place wasn’t going to be a vacation to the Bahamas but it was worse than she thought it would be. But thank god today was her last day here, finally discharged after a whole week of just pure misery. She didn’t want to spend any time with these people. She’s tired of these happy nurses who spread shitty grounding methods or whatnot as if it were the goddamn gospel. She was tired of the patients who were often so aggressive with each other, something she gladly avoided by keeping her mouth shut whenever she was around them. Yet that didn’t stop them from making rude comments about her appearance in general. As if they weren’t totally jealous of how long her hair was.
She had chosen to become mute during her time here. Only speaking when needed, since really, it wasn’t the smartest idea to start making friends inside the mental hospital. The psychiatrist that was assigned to her started her on these meds that totally seem to be working—it isn’t, but she doesn’t want to prolong her stay.
She tried to get out sooner but it was almost impossible because of Ekko, him giving some rather unnecessary information that led to her extended stay and a rather awkward conversation with the psychiatrist.
“Do you experience any hallucinations, either auditory or visual?” The psychiatrist had asked after a long list of questions, sitting opposite of Jinx with a clipboard in hand, pen attached to the clipboard to ensure that patients didn’t manage to somehow get their hands on it. Wouldn’t want the patients stabbing each other now, would they?
“No,” Jinx responded with a bored expression, sitting crisscrossed in her chair, her lack of enthusiasm to even be here evident; sat in these rather uncomfortable scrubs that had been given to her in replacement of the clothes she had come in with.
“Really? Because according to the form that was filled out, you’ve been experiencing them for a good while now. Your file here says you’ve been experiencing this for 7 or 8 years,” which ended in a long-winded explanation on how lying wouldn’t be beneficial to Jinx, and more shit that she didn’t bother to listen to fully. Overall, the conversation led to a 7-day stay instead of a 3-day stay because of her hallucinations. Back to the point, it’s all the Boy Saviour's fault.
She was tired of this place. Tired of all the constant noise, and god, was she grateful that about the only time she got some relief from the constant screaming, yelling, and crying was when everybody went to sleep. At least, that’s about the only time she finds quiet, and even then, she could still hear their whispers.
However, the idea of even going home was scary and created another type of noise she wasn’t prepared for.
Everyone knew about Jinx’s mental well-being. She knew it herself, but what enraged her about Ekko was that he thought she was crazy enough that he stuck her in this place. She didn’t deserve to be here.
Now everybody knows how “crazy” she is. Her psychiatrist had not only diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder but now she had to take medication for it. Wellbutrin. How silly is that? And the stupid thing wasn’t even working, making her rather more irritable than anything. Stupid doctors, stupid hospital, and stupid medications. It was all ridiculous. Before, she had the consolation that maybe everybody just hid the fact that they heard things too, that they saw things too, but now it's official. She doesn’t gain anything from this besides a label for what’s wrong with her.
Then there’s Vi. How was she supposed to face Vi now? Will she pity her like she always does? Infantilize her like she always does with that name, Powder . Will she carry that look of worry she always seems to have on her face? Just thinking about it makes Jinx’s stomach churn, an anxiety ending in her picking at the edges around her nails to the point she bleeds (which she hides from the nurses because she doesn’t need to give them any other reason to keep her here).
It was just a few more hours till she got discharged and she could pretend like this never happened. Everybody would just have to go along with her plan to do so.
── .⏱⧖ . ──
Ekko had been waiting for who knows how long, leg bouncing, sitting on a sofa in the main office where he had filled in the paperwork for her 7 days ago. Absentmindedly biting on his nails, which was a habit he had broken several years ago but it seemed like the stress was getting to him.
It’s been particularly empty without Jinx to keep him company. Their apartment was eerily silent once he had helped submit Jinx at the mental hospital (she didn’t have much of a choice, legally being forced to, but he tried his hardest to make it seem like it was her idea). Her absence was a constant reminder of what she had done to even get here.
That day is a constant presence. Something that’s always in the back of his mind no matter what he does to try and distract himself. He knew he was driving himself mad by asking this question, but what were the signs? How stupid was he to be able to miss them? Why would she do such a thing? It baffled him really, how Jinx didn't come to him. It troubled him how she was so casual about it when he caught her in the act. His best friend was planning on taking her own life and now she’s getting picked up from the mental hospital. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She promised him that she’d watch a movie with him this Thursday but instead spent the day in this place. It was haunting to think that if he wasn’t here, maybe he’d be attending her funeral of all things. That eerie silence could have been something permanent.
It wasn’t unknown that Jinx had underlying mental issues that she refused to get help for no matter how much he insisted on her going to therapy; however, it seems as if he should have been more consistent about it. Ekko had helped her several times when she’d be amid episodes. Recently, those episodes have lessened but he didn’t understand how that was possible when this happened. He thought she was getting better, but he’d heard about how people seem so much better—happy and full of energy—when they’ve accepted they’re dying. Is that what Jinx felt?
There was a loud beep, the sound of metallic doors opening as Jinx appeared, following suit a blonde woman wearing black scrubs. Jinx was clad in flimsy, blue scrubs; her long, blue hair down instead of her usual braids (unable to use hairbands due to the “risk” they posed), the skin around her fingernails raw, and her lips incredibly chapped. Had they somehow managed to leave her in a worse state than the last time he had seen her?
He had been waiting for so long, seeing her once more replaced all tension with relief. He smiled warmly at her, getting off the sofa and immediately making his way to him, preparing himself to hug her only for her to shove past him, shoulders colliding. Ekkos eyes widened, not quite expecting that response, expecting more of a warm embrace instead of the sight of her backside to him. Shit. Was she angry with him?
Jinx was handed a box, the words “Powder” plastered in permanent marker on a sticky note. Ekko could see the grimace appear on her face momentarily, biting down on her chapped bottom lip as she opened it up. The contents of the box were everything she had before the hospital removed her every possible possession.
Ekko stared at her with brows knitted together, his concern evident as he took a simple step toward Jinx only for her to take the bag of clothing and once again shove past him to make her way to the restroom.
He didn’t understand Jinx's new attitude towards him. What could possibly be the reason why Jinx was being so cold towards him? Was she really that upset with him because he wanted to help? Was she really that upset with him because he didn’t want her to die ? Was his support really that bothersome to her?
By the time she returned, she was in the pajamas that she had been submitted in: blue checkered pants littered with images of Cookie Monster paired with a simple white tank top. Not exactly the style that Jinx had always presented herself in when she went out in public.
“Let’s go, Ekko,” Jinx muttered rather coldly, holding the box with the slightest grip as she shoved the front doors open.
She wasn’t just angry. Fucking hell, she was furious, enraged, and every possible synonym of anger stirred into a pot to create a word that embodies the level of anger he was faced with. The only reason he even knew this was due to the fact that after being away from each other for so long, all he was met with was “Ekko”. No funny nickname, no amusement, just a level of seriousness in her tone that led to him instantly knowing he fucked up. He knew that what he had done wouldn’t exactly please Jinx, but he really did think that she’d understand that he was only worried.
Maybe she’d be more conversational in the car, right?
── . 𒅌 . ──
Not a single word between them was spoken the whole car ride.
She knew some things needed to be shared between them, but out of pure pettiness, she refused. Honestly, she couldn’t even look at him at the moment, which left an awkward silence between the two. The stillness between them made her anxious to the point she began raking at the already scabbing skin around her nails, not enough for her to start bleeding but enough of a distraction from him. He didn’t need him to plague her mind. She won’t allow him that type of satisfaction.
Her focus was mainly on the scenery before her. Thankful it was different than staring at the stupid Costco that was across the street, something she had to stare at for hours since any source of entertainment was stripped from her. No phone, TV, paper, or pen. Just herself and that window.
The scent of his car, smelling of pine and incense—a scent that always made her wonder if he did seances inside his car—was also a good replacement for the sterile environment of the hospital, always managing to smell of Kleenex wipes and hand sanitizer.
Ekko would steal glances in Jinx’s direction, an obvious anxiety on his part to speak up. His unspoken words are a reason for the strain between the two. Knowing him, he’d probably want a long talk at home. But she didn’t want that, and honestly, he should be grateful she was sitting beside him in the first place. Albeit, the option to simply walk home is more and more appealing in their prolonged silence.
Their apartment wasn’t far. A 15-minute drive. A rough estimate from what she remembered of the ambulance ride, where she watched her phone carefully and ignored all of Fat Hands' (Vi’s contact name in Jinx’s phone) urgent calls and texts.
15 missed calls, 62 messages
[Fat Hands]: Jinx please answer me. Why is Caitlyn telling me you tried to kill yourself?
[Fat Hands]: This isn’t funny Pow Pow, answer the phone
[Fat Hands]: Let me know that you’re okay at least
[Fat Hands]: I’m calling Ekko
The box that contained her phone remained shut, the plastic sitting in her lap as she absentmindedly ran her fingers across the red lids' indents. She didn’t want to see what else she received from Vi. At this point, buying a new phone would be a better option. What was all the fuss about if she survived it?
Nearing home, she knew she had to face the reality of what she had done. She knew that she couldn’t run from everything. Eventually, she’ll have to look at her phone. Eventually, she’ll have to have that long talk Ekko is probably desperate to have. Right now, however, she’d rather just pretend like none of this happened.
Regret has not taken its place in her. She knows that it should. The other patients shared their stories on how the minute they were one step closer to death, regret was what erased all the turmoil they felt in the moment. But was it normal to regret being caught? She’d rather the guilt of leaving people behind, but it never came. She was instead okay with the idea. What took place instead was the regret that Ekko had walked in. She hated that look on his face. She hated receiving those messages from Vi, the extreme worry she must have felt, yet Jinx refused to answer. She hated how even Caitlyn seemed to have worried over the phone, being the first person Ekko called. The cop that Jinx hated with every fiber of her being was concerned for her. How low could Jinx get?
Her spiraling mind was about ready to eat her whole, too distracted to even realize they had made it home; only realizing when Ekko had opened the door for her, an outreached hand waiting for her to take it. She didn’t take his hand, using the back of her own to push his hand away instead as she stepped out of the car.
Their apartment building wasn’t the epitome of high class, that much was obvious when almost every other step had the crunch of a cigarette stub, or how grimy the walls and stairs seemed to be. Somehow, the smell of weed is always persistent, a scent she had gotten used to in the years living here in the apartment she shared with Ekko. A two-bedroom apartment with a shared bathroom, something small to start for them when they had barely gotten out of high school. Since then, they’ve both garnered a salary that was more than enough for them to look for better apartments but they already had everything they needed, so what else could they want?
Jinx was right behind Ekko since he had the key to the apartment. She didn’t come packed since he was already hauling her ass to the hospital.
She anticipated being able to lay in her own space, to lay in her own bed without the scratchy texture of the thin blankets and pillows—an effort to prevent patients from suffocating with them. She anticipated being able to use the bathroom they shared with the wooden door, and solid material instead of the plastic that only closed with a magnet. She anticipated being able to shower without somebody checking on her every 10 minutes and without the water stopping every 5 minutes, having to press that stupid button to start to water up again. She anticipated being able to use and sleep in her own clothes, no longer wearing those scrubs that were so easy to tear—and, she’d also be able to wear a bra, an item she had requested over and over again but always forgotten by the nurses.
The luxuries of having her independence now restored the minute she pushed through the door when Ekko unlocked it.
Yet she was brought to a stop the minute she started hauling ass to her room, stumbling backward from the halt of her moving force. Annoyance replaced her positive mood as she whipped her head in the direction of Ekko, yanking her arm away from his grip. The talk she had dreaded couldn’t wait until the next day?
His hesitation was evident, words logged into the back of his throat and she wasn’t going to be waiting here forever.
“What do you want, Ekko?” Jinx spoke up, allowing herself to be the first to speak between the two of them, bitterness she felt presented itself in every syllable. Her eyes locked on his in a cold gaze.
“I just want to make sure you’re okay.” The words that had been lodged in his throat for so long found their escape, meeting her cold gaze with warm, soft eyes that showed his usual ineptitude in ever showing true hostility towards Jinx.
“I’m peachy . Great, even. All thanks to you, spending a week with the loons in the looney bin fixed everything,” granting him an awkward, wry smile in his direction. Always with that sardonic tone when she’s pissed.
“Jinx I was trying to help-”
“Didn’t I just say how spectacular my experience was?” cutting Ekko off, her lips pulled tightly in what appeared to be a grin but rather off-putting based on how the smile never reached her eyes. “I should thank you, Ekko. I mean that food was spectacular. The constant fights? Next-level drama. And what’d you get from it? Another bullet point to add to that long list of all the things you’ve saved throughout the years. Where am I on the list? Right under the lost puppy?”
He stiffened, his jaw tightening, but his growing frustration never presented itself in his words: “You know I’d never do something to purposefully hurt you. I did what I thought was best in the situation. You weren’t mentally well, and neither were you safe here with yourself, so I did what I thought would help you. I’m sorry if it didn’t work out and it didn’t end well, but I don’t need your hostility when all I did was try and help.”
He was never hostile, but neither was he this gentle when he was frustrated. He wasn’t even close to the epitome of patience, so why is he pretending to be? Did he goddamn rehearse that bullshit?
“This talk—whatever you want here, can wait until tomorrow. I’m done talking.”
“Wait, Jinx-”
“I’m tired of games, Ekko, what do you want?”
He let out a sigh of reluctance, the silence between them stretching as he considered what exactly to tell. So many things he could potentially say bouncing around in that stupid brain of his.
“Vi’s coming to visit tomorrow. She didn’t come today; said that she didn’t want to overwhelm you after being discharged, but she’s been worried about you.”
Pure silence is what followed, Jinx considering his words. But she didn’t want to dwell on it too much. She didn’t want to think at all.
She didn’t respond, only turning her back to him and walking the path to her room.
No interruptions this time. Nothing stopped her this time. She swung the door open and didn’t take the time to take in her surroundings. All she needed was her bed, which was surprisingly tidy. Did she make her bed before she left? She couldn’t quite remember. No matter, all she cared for was the dip of the mattress and the soft covers. Hoping that the mattress would dip just enough to swallow her whole.
She was tired, and rest wasn’t all she needed. She needed the silence that the night brought. She was tired of the sound, unrelenting and never ceasing. Tired of how everybody around her was just loud . Never once giving her a moment to garner her thoughts. The people of her past once were the crowds that created this chaos in her mind, but now she has an opportunity for silence ever since she started taking those stupid new pills. They seemed to make it all still. And the night was about the only time the earth brought something so sweet, and that’s what she needed the most: silence, the sweetest thing in the world.