Chapter Text
“Drive to Survive: — The Papaya Mockumentary”
(Season 8, Episode 3: “The McLaren Rivalry”)
[OPENING SHOT – A serious title card with dramatic orchestral music]
Voiceover (serious, David Attenborough tone):
"In 2025, the McLaren garage became the epicenter of not just a constructor battle… but of something deeper. Stranger. Slightly gayer. And incredibly British-Australian."
[Cut to: Classic The Office-style shaky cam and talking heads. Dramatic music cuts off mid-note.]
INTERVIEWS
LANDO NORRIS (grinning, sipping Red Bull in a McLaren hoodie):
"I mean, I just said he looked good in the new race suit. Is that a crime? He did look good. Like, stupidly good. But that’s not weird, right? Complimenting your teammate?"
He squints at the camera.
"Wait, what did I say again?"
OSCAR PIASTRI (deadpan):
"He said, and I quote, ‘If you keep looking like that in that suit, I might let you ruin me before lights out.’"
He blinks slowly.
"Of all the jokes, existing and yet to exist...why would he choose...that?"
[Cut to dramatized reenactment: Lando stretching in the paddock. Oscar walks by in the McLaren race suit. Lando does a double take and mutters the now-infamous line. Oscar immediately does a triple glitch: coughs, drops his bottle, chokes slightly, and walks away like a man experiencing diarrhea.]
THE TEAM
ZAK BROWN (visibly aged 10 years):
"We hired two of the fastest strategic drivers in Formula 1. What we did not expect was a slow-burn enemies-to-lovers arc that makes half our debriefs feel like rejected Bridgerton scenes."
MC LAREN ENGINEER (tired, sipping espresso):
"Telemetry says Oscar’s fastest laps always come right after Lando calls him ‘mate’ in that tone. You know the one. It’s got… vowels."
PADDOCK REACTIONS
GEORGE RUSSELL (clutching his Mercedes water bottle like a prayer bead):
"I honestly thought they were fighting. But then Oscar threw a wheel gun at Lando and Lando laughed and said, ‘Aw, you’re cute when you’re homicidal.’ Like what am I supposed to do with that? Therapy??"
CARLOS SAINZ (laughing):
"I told Lando he flirts like a confused Victorian. He blushed and called me ‘cringe.’ So I asked if he’s actually in love with Oscar and he just stared at me for eleven seconds. That’s not normal."
MAX VERSTAPPEN (flat):
"I don’t watch their show anymore. It makes me… feel things. Uncomfortable things. Also, I’m tired of Oscar overtaking me every time Lando winks at him."
NETFLIX PRODUCERS
Netflix Showrunner (barely containing laughter):
"It was supposed to be a docuseries. You know—strategy, telemetry, tension. And then Lando said one thing that sounded like fanfiction.
"The trailer alone upped our subscription rates by 800%. We had to change everything.."
CONFESSIONAL: OSCAR PIASTRI
[CAMERA ON: Oscar sits stiffly in the interview chair. His arms are crossed. One eyebrow raises slightly. He’s trying to look calm, but you can see the loading wheel spinning in his soul.]
OSCAR (deadpan):
“Yeah. So. He made a joke.”
Beat. He blinks.
OSCAR:
“It wasn’t… technically a bad joke. Statistically, I’ve heard worse. It just… hit a weird nerve.”
[Cut to footage of Lando uttering the obnoxiously fliratious sentence]
[Cut back to Oscar, visibly recalculating his entire personality.]
OSCAR (flatly):
“My brain decided to run several mood protocols at once. Unfortunately, none of them were compatible with… functioning normally."
He exhales. Awkward pause.
[Montage: Oscar’s Internal Error Logs – copium habits which pop up in his head like old Windows XP popups]
- Aggressive Mode – He overtook Lando into Turn 1 and then brake-checked him into oblivion.
- Ice Cold Mode – Doesn’t say a word for three days. Leads all practice sessions.
- Zen Mode – Meditated for 43 minutes. Then sent Lando a passive-aggressive Spotify playlist titled ‘NOTHING’S HAPPENING.’”
- Surprisingly Affectionate Mode – “You did well today. I’m proud of you. Don’t make it weird."
- Warfreak Mode – Screamed bloody murder and threw his gloves at Lando’s TV when he lost a game. Said it was an accident. It was not.
- Overshare Mode – Told Lando about the time he cried watching How to Train Your Dragon. Unprompted. In the end, he blurted out "Sometimes I think I’m unlovable and incapable of human connection"
- Ogling Mode – Just a footage of Oscar at parc fermé glaring at Lando’s backside for a solid 13 seconds. It was so long it made Charles uncomfortable. And Charles is French-adjacent.”
OSCAR (still deadpan):
“I don’t know if he noticed.”
[Cut to Lando in his own confessional laughing.]
LANDO:
“Oscar? Nah, he was just being usual. Every now and then I guess the pressure gets to him but that’s like… Tuesday for him.
[Back to Oscar. He tilts his head slowly like a judgmental cat.]
OSCAR (softly):
“Knowing him, he definitely didn’t notice.”
[Cut to Lando]
LANDO:
He's like our car. He'll recalibrate over the weekends. He'll be okay, you'll see (nervous giggle)”
[Back to Oscar again. With an ironic smirk and his trademark facial expression giving away nothing. His eyes, however, look like he's closing to pulling his hair out ]
OSCAR:
“Anyway. I’m fine.”
"...
UNRESOLVED SEXUAL TENSION
YUKI TSUNODA (arms crossed, exasperated):
"Just kiss. Just. Kiss. We are all suffering. Even my ramen doesn’t boil this slowly."
LEWIS HAMILTON (wise, weary):
"I’ve seen a lot in this sport. But never two men so obviously in love who would rather throw DRS shade than talk about it. Like bro, take a walk in the paddock and touch hands or something."
FERNANDO ALONSO (with a smirk):
"I told Oscar once, ‘You fight him like a man with a crush.’ He blinked and said, ‘He’s straight.’ I said, ‘So are pasta noodles—until you put them in hot water.’ He hasn’t spoken to me since."
FINAL ACT: SINGAPORE CHAOS
Subtitle: "DNF = Downright Nasty Feelings"
NARRATOR (Will Buxton voice):
“Singapore. Hot. Humid. Miserable. The kind of place where tempers explode…and apparently, so do deeply buried emotions.”
LAP 43 – SINGAPORE GRAND PRIX 2025
Track temp: literally boiling.
ZAK BROWN (on team radio, exhausted ):
“Just bring the cars home, boys. I’m begging. No dumb moves. Please. I’ve seen this film before.”
LANDO (radio, voice tight):
“He’s tailgating me like I owe him dinner.”
ENGINEER:
“Do you?”
LANDO:
“NO. Maybe. SHUT UP.”
OSCAM™ – Oscar’s onboard camera
OSCAR (muttering, eyes locked ahead):
“If he blocks me one more time, I’m going to put the car in reverse just to slap him.”
RADIO ENGINEER:
“Oscar, that’s… not how racing works—”
OSCAR (snaps):
“Neither is pretending he didn’t stare at me in Monaco like I was dessert!”
CUT TO: MARINA BAY STRAIGHT – THEY’RE SIDE BY SIDE
CROWD SCREAMING. LIGHTS STREAK. ENGINES SCREAMING. PAPAYA ON PAPAYA VIOLENCE.
KARUN CHANDHOK (commentary, full chaos):
“OH! THEY’RE GOING FOR IT! THIS IS AGGRESSIVE! THIS IS PERSONAL!! THIS IS—”
MARTIN BRUNDLE (dry):
“I believe this is the motorsport equivalent of a romcom confrontation.”
MASSIVE COLLISION – TURN 14
They dive in. Lando shuts the door. Oscar doesn’t back out.
CRASH.
Carbon fiber everywhere. Both cars dead. The wall wins.
POST-RACE INTERVIEWS
LANDO (still pissed, shirt soaked, hair chaos):
“It wasn’t my fault. I was ahead. He dove. Like always. He dives into corners and into people’s lives and doesn’t know when to stop.”
He storms off.
OSCAR (red in the face, hiding a thousand feelings under a frown):
“I saw a gap. I went for it. He coaxes me into a move and when I do, he always recoils and slam the door.
Again. Like always.
I've had it with him chickening out. When will he make the fucking move and commit to it like a man?!?”
He blinks, inhales sharply, and walks away.
RADIO – BOTH DRIVERS (FULL MELTDOWN)
LANDO (screaming):
“WHAT IS YOUR F***ING PROBLEM?! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST PASS ME WITHOUT TRYING TO DESTROY ME?!”
OSCAR (furious):
“BECAUSE YOU MAKE EVERYTHING A GODDAMN GAME! ONE MINUTE YOU’RE FLIRTING, THE NEXT YOU’RE DEFENDING LIKE I’M YOUR EX!”
LANDO:
“MATE IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED. JUST LEAVE SPACE!”
OSCAR:
“NOT COMPLICATED? MY LIFE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT COMPLICATED. WITH YOUR STUPID JOKES AND TEASES AND FLIRTS. WHAT THE HELL WAS ALL THAT FOR? TAKING UP SO MUCH SPACE IN MY HEAD. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HONEST FOR ONCE? OR LEAVE ME ALONE?!”
RADIO ENGINEER (quietly):
“…Should we—should we call someone? Marshals? Tell them there's fire in our garage.”
MCLAREN GARAGE – PANDEMONIUM
ZAK BROWN (completely done):
“Why is it always them? Always. It's either they're gonna kill each other or start snogging in Parc Fermé. No in-between. Either way, I’m getting fined."
ANDREA STELLA (rubbing temples):
“Because they’re in love but too stupid to communicate . That’s why. If I were you, I'd start investing in a couple's therapist. At the rate they're battling none of the cars would make it to Yas Marina.”
MECHANIC:
“Can we submit this race as evidence to HR?”
CUT TO: ENGINEER BETTING FLASHBACK
A grainy pub in Woking, two weeks earlier. Engineers yelling over pints.
DAVE (Engineer 2, very drunk):
“Mark my words, Singapore’s the one. All that steam and tight corners. If they don’t crash, they’re gonna f***.”
ENGINEER 1:
“I'm putting fifty on Monza.”
DAVE:
“Lando would never break in Italy. But Singapore?
Sweaty. Claustrophobic. Emotional? Boom. Gay implosion.”
LOCATION: McLaren Garage – Post-Race, Midnight
It’s quiet. Lights low. Everyone’s gone home. Just Lando and Oscar left. Both still in their team polos, unzipped slightly. The storm has passed, but the air is still thick.
Lando leans against the wall, arms folded. Eyes dart away when Oscar walks in. Pauses in the doorway. Takes a deep breath. Closes the door behind him.
OSCAR:
“I’m not here to fight.”
LANDO (quiet):
“Good. ‘Cause I’ve got nothing left to throw at you.”
Silence.
OSCAR (hands in pockets):
“I watched the onboard. Five times. You didn’t do anything that wrong.”
LANDO (bitter laugh):
“Yeah? Tell that to the wall in Turn 14. And our engineers. And Zak. And… me.”
OSCAR:
“And me.”
(Beat)
LANDO:
“Why do we always end up like this?”
OSCAR (voice rising just slightly):
“Why? Because you mess me up, Lando.”
Beat. Lando freezes. Oscar steps forward, one breath closer to honesty than he’s ever dared.
OSCAR:
“You’re fast, you’re loud, you laugh like nothing touches you, and then you look at me like—like you’re saying something without words. And I’m just supposed to act normal after that?”
He laughs, bitter and soft.
OSCAR:
“I don’t know if I’m supposed to beat you, joke with you, or… fall for you.”
Lando’s breath catches, but he doesn’t interrupt.
OSCAR (quieter):
“And I’ve tried to keep it clean. Keep it competitive. Yet every time I see you throw away another flirt or smirk like it doesn’t mean anything, I wonder if I’m just making it all up in my head. If I’m the fool.”
Silence. Then—Lando reponds. Carefully. Deliberately. He doesn’t smile this time. His voice is lower than usual. Bare.
LANDO:
“You’re not making it up.”
Oscar looks at him. Really looks this time.
LANDO:
“I joke because I’m scared. It’s easier to be the flirt than the fool. If I laugh it off, I get to pretend it doesn’t matter. That you don’t matter this much.”
He swallows.
LANDO:
“Because if I said it for real, and you didn’t want me back… I’d lose you.”
Oscar’s jaw clenches. He blinks too fast.
OSCAR:
“And if I want you back…?”
Lando’s voice falters.
LANDO:
“Then maybe we stop crashing into each other… and start figuring this out.”
Silence. He finally looks at Oscar. Vulnerable. Just for a second. Then comes a nervous laugh and another inevitable joke. It’s in Lando’s nature to break tension.
LANDO:
“Great. So we blow up a double podium just to finally say that out loud."
OSCAR (quiet):
“I’d crash into you a hundred times if it meant you’d finally stop pretending none of this is real.”
LANDO (knowing laugh):
“So you do admit it. You crashed into me."
OSCAR (sighs, small smile):
I hated you today.
Like, properly hated you.
And I didn’t know if it was because you nearly pushed me into the wall, or because you looked at me before that like… like you dared me to.
LANDO:
I did.
(a small breathless laugh)
God, I wanted you to fight me. I needed it to be you.
OSCAR:
Why?
LANDO:
Because no one else makes me feel like I’m falling and flying at the same time.
And it terrifies me. And I love it. And I hate that I love it.
(Silence. The rain patters louder.)
OSCAR:
We’re a f***ing disaster.
LANDO:
Yeah.
But we’re also fast as hell.
And I don’t want to lose that. Or you.
So maybe we stop trying to pretend we don’t feel it.
And just… let it out.
Oscar’s expression softens. Something unclenches in his shoulders. Oscar steps forward, slowly. Sits beside Lando on the toolbox. Their legs bump. Neither moves away.
OSCAR (after a beat):
“We were idiots today.”
LANDO (nods):
“Absolute twats.”
OSCAR:
“Do we tell the team it was a… feelings-based collision?”
LANDO:
“God no. Say I understeered. You overcommitted.”
OSCAR (smirking):
“Classic mistake.”
Lando chuckles. The first real one all day. Then quietly—
LANDO:
“I’m sorry.”
OSCAR:
“Me too.”
GRID REACTS – “FINALLY: LANDO & OSCAR”
Scene: Netflix plays the confession on a monitor. Five drivers sit down. And oh, they have thoughts.
Charles Leclerc
(Leans back, hands dramatically raised)
“FINALLY. I was starting to think they’d retire before admitting it. The tension? The staring? The accidental touches?”
“They’ve been racing like closeted enemies-to-lovers for three seasons.”
George Russell
(Laughs, taps the desk)
“We’ve all seen it. The bumping. The weird post-race interviews. They drive like they’re either gonna crash or confess. Apparently, this week, it was both.”
Yuki Tsunoda
(Already halfway out of his seat.)
“I TOLD YOU!! I TOLD EVERYONE! I have receipts from 2024 Monaco. I said: ‘They’re not just fighting for podiums. They’re fighting feelings.’”
Carlos Sainz
(Calm, arms crossed, knowing smirk.)
“Honestly? I saw it in their telemetry. Lap data doesn’t lie. Too much… emotional throttle.”
Oscar Piastri’s future trauma analyst Daniel Ricciardo
(Grinning ear to ear on his farm. Emotional support beer untouched)
“I feel like a proud single dad watching his emotionally constipated sons finally speak. Lando said ‘I’d lose you’ and I— I ascended. Give that man the Championship and a hug!”
LAP 23 – AUSTIN GP, 2025
CROFTY (commentary):
“McLaren running one-two — Lando leads, Oscar right behind—this is picture perfect!”
KARUN:
“If they just hold formation—”
CROFTY (sudden panic):
“OH! CONTACT! PIASTRI’S HIT NORRIS INTO TURN 12!”
REPLAY – SLOW-MO:
Oscar’s front wing clips Lando’s rear. Sparks. Debris.
A perfect papaya disaster.
MONTAGE – SILENT LAPS 24–56
Quick shots:
- Frantic repairs.
- Lando back in P7.
- Oscar chasing in P8.
- Both climb — alone, focused, furious.
They cross the line: Lando P4. Oscar P5. . Zak Brown is somewhere between erasing tattoos and contemplating retirement
No celebration.
NARRATOR (V.O.):
“They had it.
A one-two.
Gone in one corner.”
“No rivals took it.
They lost it to each other.”
LANDO (on radio, voice cracking):
"Tell him… it wasn’t his fault. Also tell him I said he looked really good in mirrors today."
OSCAR (in garage, deadpan but blinking fast):
"Tell Lando I don't want to talk to him. For fifteen minutes. Exactly. Then tell him to meet me in the simulator room."
Engineer (to radio, sighing):
“…Copy.”
CUT TO: the locked door of the simulator room.
Violent rattle. Grunts and squeezing sucking lip noises reverberate around the paddock. Staff either tiptoe, titter, or pass on traumatized.
[FINAL CONFESSIONAL]
LANDO (looking at the camera, bashful):
"I mean, it’s just teammate things. All drivers do this. Right?"
[Smash cut to every other driver shaking their heads furiously in their respective confessionals].
[Alonso offers a few bobblehead nods with an approving head-tilted look and two thumbs up]
[END CREDITS – BLACK SCREEN WITH WHITE TEXT]
“Lando and Oscar finished the 2025 season 2nd and 1st in the standings. When asked for a comment, Lando admits to liking Oscar being "on top of him". Meanwhile, Oscar quipped that his teammate ‘could use a few more rear-endings.’ Whether the two are still talking about the race season, we don't know.”
Can't get enough? Tune in to Netflix's greenlit spin-off.
Title: “Just Teammates: The Paddock Diaries”