Work Text:
In the days after Jinu sacrifices himself, Rumi needs to take stock of herself. No one in the city remembers the Saja Boys, or the concert, but Zoey Mira and Rumi need to recover from the fight. They rest, for the first time since before debut probably, and talk things out in a tearful bathhouse outing. Celine calls them, amazed, when she realizes the new honmoon has settled. They talk for a long time, disecting the battle and speculating on the repercussions. She gives them an awkward almost-apology and quickly hangs up. It gives Rumi a lot to think about.
She decides to visit her mother's grave. Mira and Zoey offer to come along and they bring food and cleaning supplies. Though the gravestone isn't dirty by any means, Rumi attends the rites every year with Celine, they take their time cleaning around putting down flowers and eating and sharing some makgeoli. Rumi takes some time by herself before they leave.
*******
The first time Rumi dared to ask about her father she was 13 years old. Her mother never spoke of him and Celine didn't seem to know about her parents'relationship until after her mother's death. Her mother kept secrets well.
“It doesn't matter who he was, he's gone now too.” Celine said harshly. Her voice took on that strained nostalgic quality whenever she talked about Rumi's mother. “They're both gone.”
Celine was a strict teacher. Though not unreasonable, she kept Rumi to a precise daily routine of vocal and martial arts practice. The only time she softened was when she spoke about her mother. When they visited for jesa , sometimes on chuseok , she would drink a bit and talk about the old days. Once, a very memorable seollal , she sang their songs. Zoey and Mira had just joined the group and there was excitement in the air. A new group to uphold the honmoon. Rumi felt her path, her purpose coming together, unspooling on a red carpet before her.
Soon after, Celine made her promise to keep the secret from her new friends. “They wouldn't understand.” Celine said.
Did her mother think Celine wouldn't understand, when she kept her relationship a secret? The thought surprised Rumi in the middle of a workout. They were training for their debut- a rough routine that involved waking up early, dance practice, English class, voice lessons, a 30 minute lunch, more lessons and practice until 8pm. Then dinner and an hour of freetime before they hit the gym and washed up before bed, usually around midnight, only to do it all over again. Zoey had the hardest time adapting, but Mira and Rumi appreciated her help with English classes and whenever they had time for songwriting together they had such a good time it felt like a real friendship was starting to bloom.
“Will I be able to keep a secret from them?” Rumi wondered. “Does that make me like my mom?”
Sometimes Rumi hated her mom. For dying and abandoning her– for making her half a demon. Sometimes she felt the rage overcome her, her demon marks glowing with cold light. Most often she felt guilty and ashamed for hating her mother. She had left her in the care of Celine after all, not abandoned with no one to care for her. Celine had made sure she had everything; a home, a mentor, a future.
*******
Rumi stares at the grave, thinking for the first time that her father doesn't have one. Had her mother absorbed him like Rumi had done Jinu? Is her father trapped with Gwi-Ma forever? She feels a pang at the thought, holds her hand to her chest, and feels Jinu's soul underneath her skin. For the most part, Jinu sits quietly, waiting to be called on with spiritual power to protect Rumi. His soul powers her sword and though he doesn't speak or have thoughts, he continues to feel. Jinu awakens. The bright sword comes to life in front of her, prodding. He feels the restlessness in Rumi's soul.
“Oh, Jinu.” Rumi calls out softly, caressing the side of the blade soft as flower petals. “You said once, that these marks are proof of the shame I carry. I used to think it was my shame for being half demon. But now I wonder, could I be carrying my father's shame too? Maybe my mother was not naive like Celine seems to think, or a victim as I thought for many years, but somehow..”
The tear building up had slowly started to fall. She let herself feel the depths of her anger and pain. For not knowing her parents, for not understanding them, for not knowing their story.
“Was she like me? Did she fall in love with a demon, saw his shame, and tried to help? Was she betrayed by him? Or did they lose the fight like we almost did? I have so many stories in my head about what could have happened.”
Jinu glowed beneath her fingers, pinging soft burts of energy, as if to pat her in comfort.
Mira and Zoey were far away now, they had continued walking down the hill and their figures were getting smaller and smaller in the distance. Rumi remembered they were carrying all the bags from their lunch. A deep fondness overtook her. After one more ping Jinu hid again, as if to say there you go, lean on them. You're not alone.
Rumi looked at the gravestone one more time and bowed sincerely.
I'm sorry for hating you mom, I hope you're proud of me.
She threw these thoughts as a last prayer and wiped her eyes. Unknowable stories and unanswerable questions were bound to drive anyone mad. As she walked towards her friends though, Rumi thought of her dad's shame marked on her body, now proudly shown on billboards and music videos. Exposed to the light, the shame has nowhere to hide. She thought of her mother, bringing her into this world, giving her care over to a friend that was like a sister. Though she had no way of knowing, Rumi chose to believe they were now both at peace.