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It’s 2003 in the basement of some guy’s house and a group of teenagers are all sitting in a circle on the floor staring at a spinning bottle. The guy who spun it has big, brown eyes and a pretty face and just about every girl in that circle is hoping it will land on them.
It lands on Phil.
A hot prickling sensation makes its way up the back of Phil’s neck and spreads throughout his face, leaving his cheeks pink and flushed. Everyone stares at him, he can hardly see them through the cloud of panic in his vision, but he knows they’re staring. He can practically feel it. Then the boys start laughing, and the girls start shouting out for them to kiss. “If the girls have to do it, then the boys do too” some girl says, Phil can hardly make out who. That guy opposite him looks put out, unsure, but god, he’s cute as ever and Phil’s heart flutters a bit despite his shame.
They’re all egging them on, shouting in their ear in a way that makes Phil’s head spin and suddenly that guy is leaning forward, but Phil feels completely rooted to the spot. He wants to move, wants to leave, wants to kiss him… But not in front of everyone. And not because he’s being forced to, but because that guy actually, genuinely likes him. Because someone is like him, understands him, knows who he is and accepts it.
He’s so close to him now, and Phil’s heart beats so hard against his ribcage that it feels as though it’s gonna leap out. He closes his eyes, the only thing he can manage to do. A brief feeling of hot breath against his face is followed by the single most memorable moment of his young life. Phil’s lips are dry and shaking, but the feeling of someone else against them sends a thrill throughout him; something new, something liberating. Like the puzzle pieces all came together and a part of him clicked, this is what it’s supposed to feel like.
But he can’t show it, for god’s sake, he has to act like it’s nothing.
But to him, it’s his first kiss. The first one with a guy anyhow, so the first one that really means anything. His brain is going into overdrive with the thrill and the shame of it all. Two completely opposite emotions fighting for control within him. His cheeks are a greater shade of red by the time the guy starts leaning away from him, a brief look of confusion written on his face. Around them, the group is shouting out all sorts of jokes, some of them so clearly targeted that it makes a pit in Phil’s stomach filled by something akin to cement.
He knows now, for certain. He liked it. And he’s not supposed to. Those jokes they’re all telling, they’re as clear of a sign as any that feeling this way, it’s not normal. He’s not normal.
Rawtenstall feels so small to sixteen year old Phil. It feels as though there’s no one like him here. Would anyone in this room ever understand the turmoil in his head, the turning of his stomach, the hot prickling of his neck, the thrill in his heart of doing what he knows is wrong? Will anyone. Ever.
It’s 2010, Dan’s seminar started a solid half hour ago, but here he is. Final Fantasy on the television, Phil’s arm brushed against his own, their legs all tangled up in each other’s on that tiny couch. In the back of his mind, he might feel a little ounce of guilt for skipping yet another one, but it’s quickly forgotten at the sound of Phil’s laughter beside him. His housemates at the dorm might wonder where he goes for days on end, they’ve definitely joked more than once that Dan’s got a girl, or a couple of girls at that. He always laughs with, maybe winks or smirks or acts a bit allusive, but never confirms nor denies; it’s better that they think so.
It’s not long ago that he genuinely did have a girlfriend – but her role in his life was more that of a safety shield and proof of his non-gayness than an actual girlfriend, and she deserved so much more. He still feels a pang of guilt when he thinks of her, and his mind swirls with all sorts of made up scenarios where he’d finally get to explain why he could never be the boyfriend he wished to be, the one she’d deserve. Things are so different now, and yet he wonders if he's actually changed that much. If he’s able to be that kind of boyfriend now. If it’s unfair to Phil that no one in Dan’s life can know about them, that Dan feels like it’ll be years before he can ever even tell his family.
He made it out of that town, made it out of that house. That gap-year nearly killed him, but it also brought him Phil. It brought him to Manchester uni, and sure, he isn’t very interested in this whole law thing, but being in the same city as Phil and not a four hour train ride away is everything. In truth, Phil’s apartment feels more like home to him than his childhood house ever did.
The only problem is, people have started to notice. People can tell they’re closer than they’re letting on, and it puts Dan right back into that same headspace of being back at school. Surrounded by threatening people, the safety he has found with Phil threatening to collapse. He’s starting to get defensive. In a live show the other day, he might have come on a bit strong when trying to shut some people up. Like he’s trying to teach them that he doesn’t care all that much about Phil, not really.
“I do have other friends. I mean think about it, when are me and Phil together? When I make a video with him. And how often may I make a video that might include Phil? Every three weeks. So you know, I’m not with him every single day.”
And it’s not like Phil really minds hearing it. It’s not like it’s completely untrue either. Most weeks, they don’t get to see each other every single day. But they see each other so often now compared to last spring that Phil can deal with the comments Dan makes to the audience, to friends, to housemates and family and the rest of the world. It’s not getting to him at all.
Having Dan here feels like fresh oxygen to his lungs. He’d survived hiding their relationship forever if it meant he got to keep breathing it in. He’ll be patient with Dan while he figures it all out. He’ll wait for the day Dan’s family will finally know them for who they are, know Phil’s role in Dan’s life.
You see, after hearing everything that Dan was put through, after knowing exactly why they have to hide it, there’s nothing in the world that would make him jeopardize Dan’s safety. If he spends a few years back in the closet, does it really matter? He’s patient. Dan’s everything. He can wait.
That first kiss with a boy seven years ago, could never compete with the moment Dan kissed him for the very first time. In public too, where anyone could see. A thrilling rush of reckless daring, no boy had ever kissed him in public before. He had that moment. Maybe there would be more, one day. Someday when they don't have to hide how close they are. Someday when Dan will even admit that Phil didn’t really live alone in Manchester – he was over there all the time. Someday when they finally live some place together for real, in a house with a garden, maybe a dog. Someday.
It’s 2022, they’re sitting in front of Dan’s closet in the home they designed together, making a video to commemorate Dan embarking on the American leg of his solo tour. His magnum opus, his first tour without Phil, a project born out of needing a purpose. There’s this part of him that’s nervous about leaving Phil behind, about going off and doing this huge thing on his own. Liberating himself once and for all from the Dan and Phil brand that somehow, somewhere along the road, turned from a dream scenario to claustrophobia. He needed a break. He needed time away. But my god, he’s ready to be back on that stage – with or without Phil. Knowing that Phil will always be there when he returns.
There’s a moment when he steps on stage; when the lights flashes on and his head is finally quiet, when his heart feels right at home, like he’s right where he belongs. He felt that as a kid too. The stage was home before he even knew what home was supposed to feel like. Until they took it from him, until it was too girly and gay for him to be so interested in theatre. To want to dress up and sing, to want to be someone else for a night.
His grandma always describes young Dan as the happiest of kids, someone with an infectious happiness that never stopped smiling or laughing or bringing joy to others.
That was Dan before he met the real world.
That sweet, little kid six year old kid is the same boy that was pushed down at the playground on his first day of school. That is the kid who was labeled gay before he even knew what that word meant. Before he had a chance to figure it out for himself, before he even had the opportunity to feel safe enough to explore it.
Out of years of hardship he grew an exterior of pessimism and nihilism, a shield as tough as the words and punches they threw at him. But at his core, Dan is always going to be that kid singing Spice Girls around the garden for his grandma. He’s always going to be the polite little sunshine with the voice of Winnie-the-Pooh and a desperate need to be seen by the people who abandoned him. He will always be creative and different and unique in a way that will help thousands. That part of Dan survived the years of imprisonment when it wasn’t safe to act that way. And now it gets to blossom on stage, where he’s safe enough to unfold it.
But the home he has found on stage is nothing compared to the home he has with Phil. Above all, that part of him that survived, is exactly who he gets to be when he’s with Phil. Phil, whose whimsicality and creativity attracted him, maybe subconsciously so, and made it safe for him to return to that very same side in him, the artistic whimsical self that finally met its match.
As put into his very own words, the relationship they formed when they met, was something he needed in his life. Phil became so much of what he had sorely missed for the first 18 years of his life; but most important of all, he became his safety. They are real best friends, companions through life, like actual soulmates. And that nihilistic front of Dan’s would gladly add that souls are a made up thing and love isn’t real and so on and so forth. But there is no better word for what Dan and Phil are than soulmates, and there are no better word to describe what these two have, than love.
Phil will always be there waiting for him to return. Through the gay crisis on the terrasse with a full bottle of rosè, through the icy periods of the early 2010’s, through the hiatus and the babysitting the kids while Dan was away, to Dan going off on his own now for something that is so very needed. He might pull away, personally, professionally, but he always returns when he’s ready, and Phil knows this. He’ll kill a few houseplants and dye everything green, but he’s there when Dan comes back, and he’s there with open arms and the same safety he has always offered him.
He waited through those years, and on the other side of it an entirely new Dan emerged, one that felt safe enough to be honest. Everyone knows now.
They don’t have to hide anymore.
Since 2009, the longest they have spent apart is two and a half weeks when Phil went to Florida. They do spend every single day together now, contrary to what 2010 Dan might say. Therefore, Dan being away for eight whole weeks will be a challenge. The days of long distance are long gone, but they’ll do it one last time. Phil can hold out through those weeks, knowing Dan’s in his home on stage, while the home he shares with Phil is always here waiting. And maybe, just maybe, one day he’ll join him on tour again. But he will let Dan have all the time in the world he needs, have his moments on stage on his own, have all the success in the world that Phil knows, better than anyone, Dan truly deserves.
Phil found the person that understands that little boy from Rawtenstall, whose anxious heart quietly broke the day he realized he was different. He found the person that not only embraced his differences, but that through them, realized he was safe enough to be different too.
Dan might joke now about getting away from Phil, needing distance.
“I feel like I need a moment away from you so I can learn to just be a normal person.”
But Phil sees through it. He knows Dan. He knows he’s never gone long.
Dan always learns; he doesn’t want normal. He wants Phil.