Archive of Our Own

Yoshiki waited at the edge of town. 

The grass was overgrown, hiding crumpled cigarettes and empty beer cans. There were no houses there. A few old, rat-infested shacks at best. The air was muggy and thick with humidity even though the sun had yet to rise over the mountain tops. Not too hot, not too cold, though he brought along a lightweight jacket just in case, the elastic loose around his wrists and the zipper up to his chin. The calls of toads had slowly died out, making room for the symphony of cicadas and chirping birds. 

The forest in front of him remained silent. Dead. A few steps forward and he would be enclosed in a thick shadow, the long branches wavering in a breeze Yoshiki couldn't feel. It's like they beckoned him in. Invited him to relive the memories he had experienced months ago. 

When his eyes closed, Hikaru's dead face stared back at him. Grey eyes blank, blood smeared under the nose. Yoshiki's hands were on his cheeks. It was so cold. It bit at his skin, crawled up to his nape, became a ringing in his skull.

Dead. 

Yoshiki opened his eyes. The forest loomed in front of him. Beyond the initial tree line the ground started to go at a slight incline, the path inside having gone unused since that night. It was probably overrun by now. Maybe not. Maybe it was still the same. Maybe Yoshiki was stuck inside a dream and he'd walk in and it would be that night all over again. Again and again and again, like he dreams of. But Hikaru wouldn't be dead this time; he'd be right where Yoshiki found him, alive and well. He'd tease him as always - Ya miss me too much and come lookin' for me? - and Yoshiki would hit him. Tell him that's not the case and he got bored, and they would come back down the mountain together. 

A slow exhale. Yoshiki's chest ached. 

"Hikaru..."

Something moved at the edge of his vision. 

Yoshiki tensed. Eyes focused instantly on a tree root sticking from the ground, innocent and gnarled. His heartbeat thrummed fast in his ears, blood rushing. He didn't need another instance like the thing that tried to target him when walking Maki home with the group. He was lucky enough that Hikaru had been there and ingested it. Or whatever he did. Gross as it was, he at least lived. 

Another movement. Closer. Yoshiki realized it was taking a straight line, the shape unfamiliar in the hazy blue of the too-early morning light. Looking at it directly risked being targeted. Ignoring it risked just letting it get to him, sink in it's claws without a fight. He stood like a deer in an open field. Sweat rolled down his nape. 

Run. 

Yoshiki's palms were damp. Against better judgment, his head turned. Eyes caught sight of the blurry shape. A whisper of wind brushed against his ear, hair tickling the skin behind.

"Shit!" Coming down the street, the mail man wobbled on his bike. Form becoming clear as he skid to a stop on the curve. He was about thirty feet away from Yoshiki but didn't seem to notice, too preoccupied by his warped bike handle and the stacks of newspapers bobbing in the basket.

Yoshiki let out a slight breath, rolling his eyes. Idiot. Getting scared over a mailman - what's next? Kaoru?

The man on the bike hopped off, giving it a look over and kicking the rear tire twice before hopping back on. The rattle of the gears carried on until the mailman disappeared once more into the morning fog. A group of cicadas buzzed in the silence left behind.

It would be another hot day. Yoshiki could feel the humidity already, pretend it was the heat that weighed in his bones. He turned to the forest once more and it stared back. It was a game he often found himself in; he'd stand here for a while. Wonder if there was anything he could have done. Wonder what Hikaru would think about everything happening now. He would stand there and the trees would wait for him to give in. To step closer, step inside. And Yoshiki would wait for them to give him back what he lost.

Neither ended up winning this time either.

When Yoshiki turned away and began walking back home, something moved in the corner of his eye. It came from between the trees, something dark and crooked. He didn't turn around this time. 

Slow footsteps made their way onto the street and up, winding through the mountainside. Yoshiki had gone back there a few times since finding Hikaru's body. In the early mornings, when sleep crept at the edges of his vision but he couldn't turn off his mind. He'd slip on his shoes, sneak out. The routine was down to the slightest creak. He knew where to step, how to unlock the door so it didn't click. He knew when he needed to get back based on how much sunlight there was. His parents were early risers, and he didn't want to lie about where he'd gone in the dark hours.

Pebbles skipped on the asphalt. The road dipped and curved, more habitable houses showing up. A few lights were still on, giving a harsh yellow glow. At the fifth house on the left side, a small Yorkshire terrier came running to the front gate, near tripping over itself. It's shrill yapping had Yoshiki grimace and walk faster.

Around twenty minutes passed and the heat was already starting to get unbearable. He turned to the right, up the familiar road. His neighbors were stirring awake, the old lady on the corner already sliding back a window and shuffling inside. Yoshiki's steps slowed when he approached his own front door. Shoes already half slipped off, hand on the handle -

"Yoshiki?"

His shoulders drew up. Fingers missing the door as he turned around to see Hikaru standing there, bike parked beside Yoshiki's off to the side. Had he been there the whole time? No way. Yoshiki would have noticed or at the very least heard him.

Noticing his baffled expression, Hikaru grinned. It didn't reach his eyes. "Doin' somethin yer not supposed to?"

Yoshiki swallowed. Gut knotted as he focused on sliding the door open. "Just gettin' some air. What're you doing here so early anyway?"

If he had turned around then, he would've seen the smile fall from Hikaru's face. The way his body went unnaturally still. Eyes narrowed, a faint blood red film over the pupils. Deep in his memories, in the real Hikaru's memories, was a scene of Yoshiki lying. Wearing that same face, using that same tone. 

But he learned to behave. Just a little. They couldn't pull another scene like they did back in the classroom a month ago when Hikaru grilled him about the text messages from Kurebayashi-san. 

When Yoshiki turned around at the lack of answer, Hikaru was a step closer. A big smile across his face. "Wanted to show ya somethin'. Yer so big into them bugs and I found one this morning!" After fumbling in his pants pocket for a minute, he pulled out a long centipede looking insect. The shiny black body writhed, probably close to two dozen yellow legs moving. It's head was a bright red, a stark contrast to Hikaru's skin. 

Yoshiki sucked in a harsh breath, swatting the bug off Hikaru's hand. It landed somewhere in the side yard, wriggling into the grass. "That's a Mukade! They're venomous. Did it bite ya?" 

Hikaru watched, surprised. There was a slight tingling on the back of his hand where Yoshiki touched. It didn't hurt, but he supposed it would have if he were human. "It was just crawlin on me when I woke up," he said slow, looking at the way Yoshiki's expression crinkled in concern. The knitted brows, his eyes a little too wide. It made Hikaru's insides squirm. "I think it bit me, yeah."

Yoshiki cursed under his breath, taking Hikaru by the wrist and dragging him inside the house. Though he was still mindful of the noise as to not wake his parents, he made quick work of getting himself and Hikaru in his room. 

"It didn't look too big; ya might not have to go to the hospital. Stay there." Yoshiki left to go get the med kit from the bathroom, leaving Hikaru to sit on the edge of his bed with a dazed expression. His skin still tingled. The sensation on the back of his hand spreading up to his wrist where Yoshiki just held. It was warm. An ease against the cold beneath. His fingers curled into the sheets, and he took a big breath. The room smelled of Yoshiki. Green apple shampoo and sunscreen and laundry detergent. 

Yoshiki came back in a moment later with a small kit in hand. A thin sheen of sweat appeared on his neck. When he saw Hikaru sitting still, eyes closed, his heart stopped. 

"Hikaru?" Panic laced the his voice. Even if this Hikaru wasn't exactly human, was he still affected by venom? Would Hikaru even feel it if his body slowly stopped working? The thought had Yoshiki walking faster. Standing between Hikaru's legs, the kit opened off to the side. His hand settled beneath white strands of hair, feeling the temperature of Hikaru's forehead. 

Oh.

The warmth was right in front of him. Hikaru's eyes fluttered open, and he swore this was what it was all for. Yoshiki stood a breath away. The bedroom light gave his frame a soft glow. Perpetually sad eyes gazing down, lips parted in worry. He still wore his pajama shirt, the jacket taken off earlier. Hikaru could smell the laundry detergent clearly, as well as the familiar pine and dirt. Heard the sound of Yoshiki's heart pitter-pattering in his chest, a little faster than normal, and it sent Hikaru into a near joyful spiral. Maybe it wasn't right to be so happy when Yoshiki was worried, but if it meant being like this, well. Who could blame him?

"Feel kinda dizzy," Hikaru murmured. 

Yoshiki's fingers trailed down. Hikaru's face looked a little more flushed. Dilated pupils watching. Memorizing. The insides pushed out, tried to touch Yoshiki back. 

"Yer not that warm. Where did it crawl on ya? Do you feel where it might've bit?"

Hikaru shook his head. "Think it was my arm."

He offered no help as Yoshiki bowed over, checking both arms. A sweat drop rolled down his temple and Hikaru zeroed in on it. How it trailed down Yoshiki's cheek and to the jaw. Hikaru bit his tongue. Stopped himself from - 

"I'm not seein' it. Ya sure it was your arm?" Yoshiki asked. He maneuvered both of Hikaru's arms, checking from elbow to wrist and back up to shoulder. Hikaru half paid attention, preferring the way Yoshiki's neck bent, slim and pale. Two moles dotting the sides. His teeth ached with the urge to sink in. It wouldn't make a difference, would it? If Yoshiki sunk into him or if he let himself be swallowed whole - as long as they were together. As long as Yoshiki accepted him. As long as he kept looking at him, whether it be in fondness or disgust. 

Hikaru didn't want it to end. Yoshiki doting on him, standing so close and willingly touching him. He knew Yoshiki didn't favor physical touch, so Hikaru had to often breach that space. Now that he was finally receiving it? 

A low breath. Hikaru didn't know when he leaned closer. Yoshiki remained unaware of the maw hovering over his neck. A thing that threatened to rip him apart and piece him back together. All saliva and teeth and a reverence that beseeched anything to help quell the need inside. Hikaru knew he shouldn't. What he should do was fight it back down. Have the compulsion squashed and forgotten about. But what was one bite? Just a taste. It'll take two seconds. Five. If Yoshiki stayed still, maybe forever. Forever didn't sound bad - not with Yoshiki.  

The sound of Yoshiki's mother knocking at the door snapped everything back in place. "Yoshiki, time to get ready."

Hikaru's mouth clicked shut. Yoshiki jumped, hands dropping to his sides. The loss of them had Hikaru frowning. 

"Be down in a minute," Yoshiki called. When his mother's footsteps faded down the hall, his shoulders drooped. After another long look at Hikaru's arms, he relented. "Couldn't find nothin'. But if yer still feelin' weird in school just go to the nurse's office, alright?" 

Hikaru nodded. "Sure."

"Come here."

The demand sent a shiver straight to his bones. 

His lungs ached. There was a big gap in his memory - What was he doing? Wasn't he just talking to someone? Why was he in the middle of the village? 

The nearby streetlight flickered. Moths surrounded the bulb, wings flapping too fast.  Each street at the intersection seemed to stretch too far, a promise of nothing at each end. 

No one was around. Windows shut tight, houses looking abandoned. But that's not possible. Where was everyone?

Blood rushed in his ears. Sweat had the back of his shirt sticking to his nape. The only thing he could remember was running. Running so far and long that his thighs burned and his feet ached and his fingers wouldn't stop trembling. Fear formed an icy fist around his heart. 

Keep running.

From what? Where was he supposed to go?

"Yoshiki," warm breath hit the back of his ear, "I said come here."

The buildings blurred as he ran. Again and again, curving down different streets and alleyways. There were no footsteps behind him but he could feel a presence. It didn't even seem fair. Was he even being chased? It felt as if he was just running in circles, wearing himself out until he couldn't go on. A cruel game. 

Pain flared against his shoulder as he cut a turn too fast, side catching the brick wall. Something in the dark hissed, a metal can scraping against the ground. Yoshiki wiped the sweat from his eyes. Shadows seemed to close in, reaching for loose shoelaces. He kept running.

Each breath was ragged. His throat hurt. Heart beating so hard it might burst through frail bone and thin skin.  

"Yo - shi - ki." An edge, right under the fond front. Each syllable being dragged out in a way to barely conceal the rage. "You can't keep running from me. From this."

He could try. A sharp left, and each step slapped against the pavement. It would be useless to try and find cover inside. If not for the fact that every building looked locked, it was because Yoshiki already knew it was fruitless. Every move, every breath. Each trembled in his step and glance of his eyes - all recorded. All seen. He couldn't hide. 

To the right this time. The buildings seemed to stop abruptly. Long grass and a cracked, overridden street. The soft, warm glow of a lantern sat at the very end. Yoshiki didn't know if it was a trick, but there were no other options. 

His feet dragged. The air grew heavy. Suffocated him. Hands reached from behind, threatening to clamp down. Drag him back. 

The single lantern turned into two. They lit up the entrance to the shrine. The same one from the summer festival Yoshiki had gone to with Hikaru and Kaoru. He stepped past the Torii as his ankle was caught. A yelp escaped as he tumbled, scraping palms and knees. The impact sent a jolt to his joints and the world spun. 

"Yoshiki!"

The boy couldn't run anymore. He knew the chase had ended. When he rolled over, he expected to be eaten alive. Ripped to shreds. To be staring down a monster.

Hikaru stood there.

He toed the entrance to the shrine. White hair messed up, face twisted into a snarl. Dozens of slits decorated his body, dark matter slithering out. It pulsed in the air, hovering around as if something were holding it back. 

The shrine. 

He remembered back then. The way Hikaru couldn't enter with them, stopped by a protection barrier someone had put up.

"Yoshiki, come here," Hikaru said. His tone was distorted. Deeper. The words sounded like they were from multiple people. "Stop running."

He couldn't find it within himself to answer. Still catching his breath, body recovering. Hikaru dropped to his knees. The shrine trembled at the weight. They were near eye to eye, ten feet away. Hikaru's fingers pressed at the barrier, his face screwed up in pain as it shocked him. 

"Yoshiki, come out. Please." It sounded less like Hikaru and more inhuman. Yoshiki winced, watching Hikaru hurt himself trying to get in.

"Stop doing that."

"Why don't ya wanna be with me?" Black essence dribbled down Hikaru's chin. Left eye losing shape, warping into the writhing mass like the rest of him. When he spoke again, it was in a slow drawl. Like it took too much effort to form the words. "I know...i'm disgusting. But i'll keep it hi dde n. I'll be quiet. I'll do anyt hin g ya ask m e to." A wet exhale, body and entity alike trying to creep forward. The barrier crackled. Bent. The dark matter wavered in the air, lashing. 

"Hikaru, stop." Yoshiki's head hurt. A splitting migraine that enveloped any sensation. The lanterns flickered. "I can't. Stop it. Stop it!"

"Yosh...iki." An unbearable sadness laid behind the eye left behind. The distortion in his voice grew louder. Sounded like the buzz from the tv, except Yoshiki's ears felt pressed right against the speakers and his head was splitting open and he couldn't bring himself to speak. 

"Let m e in...Yosh iki. I just w ant y̶̛͕̣͈̖͕͚͙̪̝̣̎̅̓̆̉̈͌̑͂̊̾́̕͜͝ơ̶̲͉͙͍̟̘̱̋̆̋̃̇̈́͋̃͒͛͜ ̸̢̩͍͕̥̬͚̼̳̜͉̻̏͂̈́̾̕͜û̵̧̢͕͙͌̾͊̚ ̸̡̛̘͈͔̜̪̻̼̘̞̝͈̬̣̋͗͛̈́̓͒̅̒́̽̓́͒t̶̨̛̬̰͉̖̻͓̪͍̺̐̽̀͐̆̐̈́̀̀͜ơ̷̢̡̼̦̥͇͕̲̝̲̳̲̗̞̣̈́ ̵̯͖͎̤̮̝̩͎̽̅̃̍̓̏l̸̩̲͕̯̬̝̥̤̗̟̇̂͘ͅo̸͕͈̟̫̭̰̠̅̉̊͗̍̈́v̵͔̎̌̈́̓̄̈́̚͝͠ȅ̵͔̠̟̮̣̙̱̯̪̻̱̗̣ ̷͙̟̼͖͖̐̾̽̾̿̀̿̉͂͝m̴̧̨̢͔͚͚̱͚̦̰͇̽̓̈́e̵̢̢̯̼͎̭̖̯̻̅̏̚͝͝ ̵̨̡̮̱͍͚̲͈̺̬́̄̀͛̆̑̍̈́̉̈ ̴̧̣́͒̌̓̅̏̀̉͂̆͌̓͘ ̸̨͇̗̥̺̯̖̺̙͛̚ ̶͔̼̓̐͌̎͋͌̈́́̑͌̉͌̕̕ͅ ̸̹̮̭̒̋̍́̽̉̓̔̂͋͊̒͠ ̵̠̼̳͔̓̀͒͑͗̄́͜͜

When Yoshiki woke up, he was screaming.

Fast footsteps thumped down the hall, door slamming open. The light was blinding. It was like whatever he'd done in his dream followed him back to reality. His temples throbbed, body aching and sore. The sheets tangled around him were drenched in sweat. He tried to look around and ground himself, realize he wasn't dreaming anymore, but all he could see were swinging lanterns and the Torii gate. Earth crumbling beneath his hands. The words "It's not right, it can never be right" remained in his head like a loop. Drowned out the muffled voices nearby. His mother and father were by his side, though he could only make out their vague shapes before passing out.

The next time he woke it was midday. His mother had stayed home and made a fuss, bringing water and medication to him. Each task was followed with some grumbling about her having to miss a day of work and that her manager would be making her do overtime during the weekend. Yoshiki sunk deeper into the bed every time. Wished his mother had gone to work and left him there on his own. Kaoru hovered by the doorway sometimes, talking in a soft voice. Yoshiki didn't mind her. Never did.

The dream left a nasty aftertaste, but the details slipped from his memory as the time went on. Minute by minute, hour by hour. Most of that time he just spent in his bed, watched the changing angle of the sunlight filtering through his window. Focused hard on each and every detail before it began to blur. He'd been in town. He...walked to the shrine that Kaoru and he had visited during the summer festival. Then what?

Eventually he changed his sweaty sheets for clean ones and took a bath. Forgot the scenery of the dream, where he had been. His thighs ached a little and he couldn't guess why.

After going back to his room to rest, he checked his phone. Hikaru had texted him multiple times and so had Maki - though he was just nagging him because he forgot the homework again and was counting on Yoshiki being at school to help him. He responded to both halfheartedly and spent the rest of the day in his room, only coming out to eat dinner. As he chewed on hamburger steak, there remained a lingering thought of Hikaru. Of the matter that Hikaru wasn't Hikaru. Maybe he forgot to text him back earlier? It nagged at him. Had his appetite diminish, a sense of doubt unfurling. Kaoru gave him a look across the table and he merely shrugged, forcing himself to swallow some roasted vegetables. 

By the time he went to bed, he could only remember something about black essence. 

.

...

..

Let me in. Let me in, Yo-shi-ki. Let me i n -

..

. ̸̛̹̖̺̥̳͉̗̩̘̌͐͒̐͐̚̕͜͝ ̶̛̘͔͓̥̖̦̭͕͛̅̎̽̐̇̀̑̽̚͘ ̵̟͔̭̲͚̯̲͎̪͈̰̭̩͒̉̅ ̸̛͙̺̱̼̮̙̝̺̬̿͛̒͗̀̇͗̏̀̕͜I̸̛͇̩̝̯͛̉̓͋̈́̽̓̍̕'̴̢̨̞͉̲̮̫̬̹͆́̀̆́̊͐̓̒̓̅͘͘l̵͖̜͠l̵̡̢̛͙͎͎̰̜̙͈̆̆͋͌͐͒̎̊̔͂͊̚͘ ̸͙̖̼̼̯̖͓̟̗̤̖̰͕̮͛b̸̢̾̈́̏̓è̷̛͔͚̟̻͍̖̈͛̎̈́͑̐́͠ ̶͔͉͈̱̱̪̙͆̋̂͗̓͐̃̐̑g̷̢̮̦̘͆̓͌ͅŏ̵̫̦̞̺͖̭̘̮̪͊͂̅̈́̀̋̊́̽̇̚o̸͚̫͓͂̚͝͝d̵̨̧̛̜̦͕̙̣̥̹̞̈́̈́̇͑̍̃͊̔͋͐̕͜ͅ ̸̡̡̧͖̹͙̳̑̐̊͗̏͒̾͂͑̂̾̐̚̕͠ ̵̼͒̍́̅̚ ̵̧̡̠͉͍͈͕̯̠͈͚̝̱̼̋̌͒́̒̅̅͌̀͘͘͘̕͝ ̴͚̗̦́̐͌̾̉́̃̃́͐̋ ̸̧̡̧̙̺̲̓̄ ̶̱̟͖̳̠̘͉̬͉̀

Yoshiki.

..

.

...

Admit it. Admit it. ADMIT IT -

YOU'RE  ̴͓͛̃̑̿̐̋͗̃̌̕͠ ̴̭̫̞̮̪͔̓̍̽̿̿̈́͗̈́̚̚ ̵̛̬̱̲̦̼̯̞̒̈́̈́̊̿͜ ̴̢͔̮̗̯̣̩̠̘̫͇̎̂̐͆ ̷̢̧̺̫̼̞͐̇̇̽̀ͅ ̸̮͚̥̳͎̼̰̠̗̰̜̣̩͎̬̐̐͂̒̅͝ ̶̨̧̫̣͓̱̙͔͓͎̹̳͉̼̀̿̀̀͛̒̍̈́̍͒͘͜͠D̸̡̡̡̺̰̱͎̪͍̾͐́̚͠͝I̶̢̻͌̊̾̆̈S̷͈̞̱̺͖̉̇̋͌̓͗̈́̑̏̌̕G̶̛̻̣̲̓̈̄̐̍̾̿̉̈̔̅͝ͅU̴̟̓̀S̴͙̼͇̳̗͉̻̤̰͙̗͍̱̼̯̀̇͂͑̒̍͠͠T̷͓͔̣͒̂̀̓̔͠͝Ī̴̳͈͌̏̎̌̓̿̑N̸̡̜̱̯̮̙̼̹̙̼͍͕͐̾͒Ģ̶̛͎̬̳͎̹͑̂̔͒̀̆͘̚ ̴̮͎̟̼͖̖̝̭͚̤͉̆̎͑͗͆̽̍͑̓̇͝͝ ̵̛̬̲̰͍͙́̋́͂̈̽̚͠͝͠ ̵͔́͋̓̌͘ ̷̖̺͚͈̟̯͉̥̅͑̾̾͗͂͊̒̓̔̑̄̚͘͜ͅ ̷̙͙̹͇̇̃͒͑̏͑̊̆͘ YOU Å̴͉̻͙̼͇͊̐Ř̸̡̝̤̻͇͆͘͘͜E̷̲͎͑͒̉̔̍͒̈́͝ ̸̻̦͓͓̼̫̖͙̯͕̈́͋̀̌̄́̑̾̈́̒͌̾͘F̷̡͖͉̞̠͇͉͆͑̽̄̈́̿̏I̴̡̛̺̩̫̗͉̖͖͔͎̫̥̯̾͑͐̓̒͆͌͊̿͋͆̓ͅL̴̛͎̖̎̒̀̀̎̓͂̊̃͌̀̚̕͝Ţ̴̛̺̙̠͔͇̑̾̈́̀͌̂͛́͌͗̄̏H̵̢̢̨̜̪̭̝̾̍̏͒͒̂̆͆̽̐͘̚͠ͅY̷̡̜̘̗̹̦͋̈́͌̀̔̈̉̀͝͝͝ ̵̢̧̖͎͚̣͇̜̯̰̳̱̤̮̽̾̆̑͊ͅ ̸̢͚̘̲̲̜̩͓̱̜̙̣̓̿̍̃̆̓́́̈́̉̕̕ ̴̧̛̰̳̺̲̭̦̘̥̺̻̓͆̎̏̓͝ͅ ̷̢̧̺̺̟̥̪̺̯͕͔̩̀̐͌̈̉̈́̈̀͘͝͝͠ ̷̨̣̼̞̽͛̅̈͋͒̽̑̎͊̓͒̕ͅ ̵͈̔́͋̋̊̚ ̵̹͙̊͜ ̸̳͖̀̀̒́́͘ ̸̩̝̻̩̓̈́̈̅̋̓̎̕ ̵̠̫̝̥͓̺̞͎͖̪̱͔̭͖̒̔̈́̈͒ͅ ̵̧͎̫͇̣̦̝͍̜̰̻͂̊́̓̾̈̿̎͝͠͠

Yoshiki...why don't ya wanna be with me?

.

..

Hikaru was at his doorstep bright and early the next day.

Yoshiki felt sluggish when he had woken up, even though he slept through the night. No nightmares that he could remember. No excessive sweating or tossing and turning. Yet everything seemed to be on autopilot: eating breakfast, brushing his teeth, taking a stomach pill, getting dressed. And then, Hikaru. The sight of him brought that nagging back. Something in the back of his mind trying to wriggle free. Yet, the tightness in his chest eased as Hikaru smiled at him. 

He'd remember whatever it was later.

While they walked to school Hikaru updated him on everything he missed previously, even giving him homework papers. Nothing much happened except that Maki had burnt the group's lunch again and Asako won another arm-wrestling match with a boy from an upper class. Yoshiki felt a little warm but nothing like before. Probably due to the sun cresting over the mountains, it's rays already intense. A little over halfway to school, he spotted an oomaruhanabachi, it's fuzzy body crawling over the face of a sunflower. His lips parted and closed just as fast, eyes lingering before they had already cycled by and the insect became a distant memory.

At school, everything seemed fine. His head was a little heavy. He paid attention in class and wrote down what was needed. Maki complained yet again that he got a bad grade because Yoshiki hadn't been there to help him out, and Yuki promptly scolded him for relying on Yoshiki for that. Asako butt in as well, but only to bring up the exams that were just around the corner. Yoshiki watched them, vision half covered in bangs. Analyzed their genuine smiles and the way they stayed close to him. Willingly. Their gazes bright and words kind. It was all as it should be. As it's always been.

Always? 

Their bikes rattled on the way home. The weight of Hikaru's stare was evident. Yoshiki went between being annoyed and deciding to not care for it - if Hikaru had something to say, he would. Even if it wasn't the old Hikaru, they both shared the love of talking. 

Yoshiki almost tripped. His head throbbed suddenly, a sharp pain in his temple. The bike curved, his grip near slipping. Hikaru skid to a stop, hands ready to steady the bike if needed. Yoshiki's feet caught the ground before he and the bike could tip over.

"Ya alright? Got pale all a sudden."

Yoshiki nodded, though it took a few minutes for the pain to subside. They stood under the sun, its rays punishing. It was brutal without having the wind on them from riding their bikes. 

"Leftover from the fever, probably," Yoshiki excused, finding balance on the bike again. "I'm fine."

Hikaru squinted. It didn't seem like he took to Yoshiki's claim, but there was little else to do but to continue home. On the way, Yoshiki spied another oomaruhanabachi flitting between a group of wildflowers on the side of the road. 

"Oomaruhanabachi's are pretty cool," it was an offhanded remark. Hikaru looked back from his bike, eyebrow raised.

"Ooma - oomama - a what?"

"Oomaruhanabachi." Yoshiki said again. Riding side by side, the breeze swept his bangs back a bit. The cool air felt nice. "They're an insect related to bumble bees. A bit rounder, with an orangish tint to the fuzz. They'll probably be everywhere now 'til the weather gets cooler."

The creaking of their bikes going uphill filled the momentary silence. Hikaru peddled, trying to process the bug fact. And the matter of Yoshiki telling him this information without having to prod him for it. 

"That's pretty cool," Hikaru grinned, doing a little swerving turn with his bike. To the edge of the path, back in towards the middle. Then again. "Not venomous?"

Yoshiki frowned at the memory of Hikaru showing up at his doorstep with a Mukade on his hand. Thankfully he hasn't seen any near his house after flicking it off somewhere in the yard.  "No. But the population keeps rising every year since we use them as our primary pollinators."

Hikaru's brows furrowed. "So? Why ya saying that like it's a bad thing?"

Yoshiki turned, the curve slight as they passed over a concrete bridge. "We still need the other pollinators."

"Why?"

"Getting rid of a different species by relying too much on another messes up the ecosystem and the food chain," he said simply.

"But they're practically the same right? The bumble bee and the ooma - oobarch - whatever?"

Yoshiki sighed. If he kept entertaining the conversation, Hikaru would ask questions all the way home. "Ya just don't get it."

Hikaru still pestered him with questions until they arrived at Yoshiki's house. The entirety of it was Hikaru yapping, talking to himself more than anyone else, and Yoshiki throwing in a noise of acknowledgement here and there. Yoshiki was sure Hikaru still talked to himself even after hopping on his bike again, disappearing up the top turn on his street.

The following week was like any other. But it also wasn't.

Yoshiki woke and there would only be a few things he could remember about his dreams. He knew he had them, but the majority of it was lost in the crevices of memory. They didn't seem like good ones; not with the way he woke up in a cold sweat and dread knotted tight in his gut. The feeling never lasted long. He'd get up, get dressed. Eat breakfast and go to school with Hikaru. At school they would stash their bikes and make their way inside, sunrays blocked by the walkway canopy. Hikaru, forever lacking a certain self-awareness, talked loud about whatever took his interest at the time. Like how he wanted mango bread for breakfast every day and that he needed new pants because the hem was too short and "Hey Yoshiki, ya think i'll finally grow and be taller than ya?"

A certain something lacked. Yoshiki could feel it in the air. His responses were delayed, shorter than usual, but only because he couldn't stop thinking about it. His eyes flicked over the halls and into the darker corners of the staircases. Maybe an impurity lingered waiting to pounce. Yet the feeling didn't feel negative. It didn't feel as the weight on his shoulders usually did and he didn't feel the need to stop breathing for a moment, too aware of his existence. 

Yoshiki blinked. He sat near the back of the class, the hold on a pencil growing loose. In the front, the teacher rambled on about a new statistical computation. 

He felt...okay. Good, maybe. Like no one in the class was staring and no one would start murmuring if he sat up straighter. Took up more space. 

The realization hit like a slap. Was it this easy before? Is this what it felt like? Yoshiki actually couldn't remember the last time he felt the need to clam up. Tension replaced with contentment. Being quiet only coming naturally instead of being only concerned that whatever came out would fuel the rumors. 

The rumors. He hadn't...thought about them in a while. Hadn't thought about what the convenience store owner whispered about with the locals that came in. About what his neighbors spoke of across their fences. He couldn't remember what was even said, really. Something about his family? About him, about his sister? Sure, she wasn't in school yet, but she was still kind and growing up just fine. What did everyone else know?

Yoshiki shifted in his seat. Felt a good stretch in his shoulders as he sat upright. Eyes glancing around the classroom, only to focus on someone staring at him already. Hikaru. 

Hikaru. Hikaru.

Did they seem closer these days? Possibly. Hikaru stayed over late a few nights, eating with the family. It didn't seem out of the ordinary. Neither did their conversations besides Yoshiki speaking more. Besides him not minding too much on Hikaru's questions, even when it got a little more personal. How Yoshiki let him get closer, both emotionally and physically. But Hikaru had always been touchy. Always reached for him first, his arm around Yoshiki's shoulders. Hand lingering a little too long on the wrist, trying to point out insects to him. How Hikaru found the chance to wrestle, though his hands wandered a bit too much. Or the way Hikaru would start off at Yoshiki's desk, the two of them talking, and then minutes would go by and somehow he was entwined with Yoshiki, laying down between his thighs or splayed out over his tummy or practically wrapping him in a hug, talking inches from his face -

Hikaru was still staring at him. Yoshiki turned away quick, glancing out the window instead. 

It wasn't that Hikaru was getting closer only when Yoshiki was initially aware of him. It was him being close to Yoshiki whether he realized it or not.

It was like every time he turned around, Hikaru was there. In class, in the halls, outside during extracurricular. There was a sort of orbit it seemed, where there was never more than twenty feet between them. In the times Yoshiki caught his eye, Hikaru merely smiled and began yapping about something he discovered or a random thought he had. But Yoshiki could tell. Hikaru was watching. Why? Had it always been like that? Yoshiki supposed it wasn't so bad. Not when it didn't harm anything. 

Not when it made the warmth in his face worse and his stomach to grow light with something that wasn't nausea.

Everything seemed normal. Better than normal, really. Even with the headaches he got every now and then, there was a sense of ease that increased. Yoshiki didn't think too hard on it. Why would he, when things were starting to get better? When he had his mother and his father and Kaoru? When he had his group of friends and then Hikaru -

His thoughts grew fuzzy. A slight pause. 

What about Hikaru? It's Hikaru. Always has been.

"Yo - shi - ki?" A hand waved in front of his face.

A sudden sense of something unsettling creeped in from the darker corners of his mind. Where had he heard that before? Same voice, wrong tone. Wrong time, wrong place.

Hikaru had spun around in his chair as the teacher excused himself for a moment before leaving class, door sliding shut. It was the last class of the day and him leaving was practically an invitation to go home early, except that the class president was sitting at the front watching everyone and was a complete stick in the mud. 

"What?" Yoshiki asked, coming back to the moment. Not only was Hikaru looking at him, but also his other friends.

"You look better," Asako said slow, her head at a slight tilt. Butterfly clips decorated her hair today, the strands a bit curlier than normal.

"Yeah. Like, not so emo-ish." Maki chimed in, leaning a bit too far back in his chair. Yoshiki thought about warning him about it but decided not to. What was the matter of it anyway? Just a little fun. Nothing would come of being hurt if Maki did fall, and it was just a possibility. Maki might not even fall. Nothing to stress about.

Yoshiki shrugged. "I'm sleeping better." That wasn't all of it, but how could he explain the rest? The way his body felt lighter these days. The way his thoughts stopped racing, overthinking and over worrying and thinking about Hikaru -

Let m e in...Yosh iki.

Yoshiki met Hikaru's gaze, startled. The words rung clear in the air, though distorted and deep. Hikaru's mouth was shut though - for once - with an unreadable expression on his face.

Did he imagine that?

Yoshiki shook it off with a shrug. "Don't really know. Just feel better about a lot of stuff."

"Well, that's pretty good regardless." Yuki chimed in. Asako agreed with a nod, swaying a little to and fro. 

Yoshiki supposed so. He did feel better. There wasn't a weight when he breathed. He wasn't sure why had it been there in the first place.

The bell chimed above and the class erupted into chatter. Chairs scratching the floorboards, papers shoved into bags. Asako and Yuki wandered back over to their desks and Maki followed, starting up a conversation about their previous art class and how he nearly made the kiln explode.

"Hey, Yoshiki," Hikaru leaned in close, arms crossed over the back of the chair. His expression was bright, something flickering in his eyes. "Wanna go to the stream today and catch frogs?"

The usual no danced at the tip of Yoshiki's tongue. Catching frogs meant getting soaked and he didn't like the slimy feeling they left behind on his hands. But he'd be with Hikaru, and Hikaru loved catching frogs.

Hikaru. 

We can't! I can't!

A dull throb in his temples. Yoshiki pursed his lips, rubbing a hand across his forehead.

His head hurt, but so did his heart.

"Sure," he said. 

The agreement should have been enough for Hikaru to near jump in excitement. But the boy merely rocked back in his chair, hands clasping the wooden back. Knuckles almost turning white. "Man, ya must be really feelin' better if ya want to do something so hillybilly as catchin' frogs with me."

Yoshiki didn't comment on the way Hikaru prodded, only putting his things away. The lack of emotional response was a little off-putting. Maybe Hikaru was changing too, in his own way. That they were growing together.

It's always been just him. Just Yoshiki. And Hikaru. Yoshiki and Hikaru. Hikaru and...

And what?

Yoshiki followed Hikaru to the school grounds. They unlatched the bikes and took a detour route home, one that would pass right by the river. Yoshiki felt talkative. He pointed at some of the bugs that they passed and spoke of them to Hikaru without being prompted. He didn't even have to look to the side - he knew Hikaru was listening. Asking some questions here and there. Commenting on how gross or cool some of them were. Whatever lingering tension they had back at the classroom was gone by the time they let their bikes lay in the grass and rolled up their pants.

The water was bliss against the heat. Even with the sun beating down on them, it took no more than a few minutes for the two to splash each other. The fish made haste to leave the area, a few brave ones tickling the back of Yoshiki's heel. 

Standing to the side, Hikaru crouched close to the water with hands hovering as if to catch a fish. But his eyes were set on Yoshiki. The light that flickered and flared, growing larger, in his chest.

"'M not seein' any frogs," Yoshiki said after some time. Truthfully though, he wasn't really looking. It just felt nice standing there. Letting the water rush past his shins, part of his shirt wet from the splash Hikaru gave him before. Thoughts drifted by as easy as the gentle current. Everything felt...right. Good. Like maybe this was what he was looking for after so long. What had stopped him before? Pride? A lofty wish of a city apartment and big universities?

He looked up. Saw the clear blue skies of the countryside. The sun blazing, promising many more hot days and frog catching and waking up to the sound of cicadas and this feeling. 

What was it about before?

"Got one!"

A loud splosh and Hikaru laughing, a sharp sound of victory. Yoshiki turned in time to see him with two hands around a twitching frog, it's thin legs uselessly moving, trying to hop away. It blinked, eyes wide and round and empty. 

Yoshiki curled his lip, but the sight wasn't bad. "Gross..."

Probably the worst thing to say. Hikaru gave a grin, already coming closer.

"Hey, wait -!"

"C'mon, just a lil frog. It's not gonna hurt ya." 

Yoshiki dodged and Hikaru changed aim. A back and forth of Yoshiki trying to create space between them and Hikaru creeping in closer. The frog still wriggled in his grasp, webbed fingers slapping the hands holding it. 

Then Yoshiki's foot landed on unstable rocks. The world tipped and blurred, and suddenly cold water engulfed him. 

"Yoshiki!"

He sat up coughing, a slight burn inside his nose where the water got in. The fall had his clothes soaked, from the shirt collar to the hems of his pants. The sharp contrast between the cool stream around him and the sun above caused goosebumps. 

Dark bangs stuck to lashes as he wiped his face. Hikaru stood an arm's length away and their eyes met when he looked up. Everything was quiet.

Then Yoshiki was laughing. 

It was a sound that came from the depths of his chest. A smile so big and unfamiliar that his cheeks hurt. It all seemed ridiculous, sitting in the water and catching frogs. What a silly thing to do. He remembered on multiple occasions telling Hikaru he never had interest in this - but why? When it was this much fun, why had he ever denied himself?

Hikaru's filmy pupils dilated.

With the pants hem rolled up, Yoshiki's ankles and feet were on clear display. Half hidden under the water, pale and slight. Hikaru didn't need to get so close as to know the shape of them. The jut of ankle bone, the faint arch of the foot. Clipped toenails because Yoshiki could never stand them long.

His gaze traveled up to the school shirt that clung on like a second skin. Collar lopsided, half sticking to a slim neck and the other side wide open, revealing the beginnings of Yoshiki's collarbone. Water droplets rolled down from strands of dark hair, disappearing beneath the fabric. Hikaru watched one in particular, the drop sliding down the curve of Yoshiki's nose and down his upper lip, catching in the corner before swooping down. Wobbling there on the bottom lip. Taunting. Waiting. But Hikaru could do nothing but watch. Listen. Mind directed towards the sound of Yoshiki's laugh and the way his nose scrunched and the mole beneath his eye and the way he was so pretty smiling like that -

A slow exhale. Hikaru wasn't sure when he let the frog go, but his hands were empty. Reaching out. He needed that sound playing in his head forever. Needed the sight of Yoshiki smiling engraved into his very being. Have this sickening emptiness full of it. Have his toppling, squelching insides replaced with the warm low pitch of Yoshiki's happiness and the way his eyes opened, sunlight glittering in them. 

His knees scraped against the rocks in the water. Pants quickly growing soaked as he crawled closer.

Yoshiki's laugh faltered, heart leaping in his throat instead. The distance between growing smaller. More intimate. Hikaru's hands shook, almost brushing the fabric against Yoshiki's outer thighs. They caged around narrow hips, fingers digging into the bedrock. It was all he could do. The urge to reach, to touch, to swallow Yoshiki whole, pushed at the threads of his poor attempt at humanity. Hikaru's cheeks dusted a faint pink as he leaned up. Stopped when their faces were centimeters apart.

"H-Hikaru," Yoshiki choked. He could move back. He could push him away. He could pull him closer.

Hikaru's breath hit against his jaw, hot. A shiver threaded down his spine. 

"I," The white haired boy paused. The sunlight hit the side of Yoshiki's face, highlighted the flecks of different greys in his iris. It glinted off the clumped, wet lashes. Skin a golden hue. The same hue as that soul pulsing in his chest, fiery and hot and calling Hikaru's name in a way that had him weak. Hungry.

Hikaru swallowed. Breath shuddered when he opened his mouth once more. "I dunno a lot of things. Bein' human, the concepts of life and death, how to make all this better. Emotions give me a real difficult time," he murmured, honest and vulnerable, "but I can't shake the feelin' that I need ya. I'm...not too good with describin' these things. But what I feel for ya...it's not the old Hikaru. It's me. The monster. And I need ya, Yoshiki."

Yoshiki didn't think he was breathing. Too focused on the little furrow in Hikaru's brow and the way he wasn't laughing. Hikaru always laughed when he got nervous. The old one did, anyway -

The old one?

Yoshiki blinked. Stared at Hikaru real hard. At the way there was an unnatural red in his gaze and a seriousness so unnatural painted across his expression. A breath. 

Let m e in...Yosh iki.

A sharp pain erupted in his skull. He winced. When his eyes fell shut, Hikaru's dead face stared back at him.

Yoshiki supposed the fear bubbling inside was aimed more so at himself then Hikaru. Something inside struggled. The image came clear, sensations like a ghost along his skin. The rain pounding at his back. How cold Hikaru's cheeks were. His mind, once clear, raced. This isn't real. It can't be. it's not right. And with those thoughts came a raging migraine, temples throbbing with the weight of something he long since lived with, something he tried to bury and hide and ignore. Thoughts that kept him awake at night, praying they would fade. Praying, to anything that might find mercy on him, for it to go away so he could live with one less sin nailed to his very being. 

"Hikaru...no." Yoshiki choked, trying to differentiate between truth and reality. Had Hikaru really died? The memory was so clear. Right there, under his fingertips. 

But so was Hikaru, staring at him as if he was something to be worshipped. Something to eat.

He couldn't move. Not when Hikaru came closer. Not when his lips parted, and a strangled sound came out.

"W-we can't." A rough stammer. Yoshiki was positive Hikaru could hear the quick thrum of his heartbeat, "This isn't okay."

Hikaru frowned. The warning didn't seem to deter him. Not in the slightest, with the way his eyes were watching Yoshiki's mouth move. "Why not?"

Why not?

Yoshiki's head really hurt. The sunlight made his eyes sensitive. Why? Well, he still couldn't figure out if Hikaru was really dead. Other than that, it would be that the townspeople could find out. It would be another rumor about him the melted in along the rest, but this one would be true. Bring down the family name. Have people look at him through knowing eyes and curled lips. We see you. We see you. Filthy, disgusting -

Yoshiki flinched. His head felt stuffed full of cotton, heavy with things he couldn't face.

"Why not?" Hikaru repeated. One hand rose from the water, fingers sliding through the hair at Yoshiki's nape. Curled into them, savoring the damp heaviness and the way they were Yoshiki's. "I know what we have is different from theirs, but...it's still there, isn't it? Isn't it the same?"

No.

Why wasn't it? What was wrong with it?

Yoshiki's mind spun. His tongue felt too thick in his mouth. He wanted to tell Hikaru to back up. Tell him something was wrong. This wasn't right. A warmth oozed over, squeezed his bloody, beating heart. 

"Is it because i'm not him?"

A ringing. Low at first, distant in Yoshiki's hearing. But it grew louder. Sharper. A warning whistle when his eyes managed to focus on Hikaru in front of him. On the open mouth, the black sludge dripping out and smelling of rot. A memory was yanked from the depths, bringing a sense of Deja vu.

"I know...i'm disgusting." A different Hikaru. Somewhere darker. Fear spread through his veins, freezing him in place. Where was it from? Why couldn't he remember?

"No," his hand came up. It felt as if he was doing it third person, watching someone else grab Hikaru's collar. Watched someone else pull him in. His eyes fluttered shut. The faint whisper of Hikaru's name swallowed by dark muck, the otherworldly coldness sliding onto Yoshiki's skin. Spread to his cheeks, almost as if caressing. Crawled into his hair, behind his ears. Terrible. Tender. Something sinful and soft, promising to tear into the deepest parts of himself and rip him open.

A tear slid down Yoshiki's cheek.

Let m e in...Yosh iki.

It felt good. Everything felt good. The horrible headache subsided and Yoshiki tried to breathe, only for slimy muck to enter his open mouth, wriggling down his throat. It was vile. It was...it was...

Why had he been so scared? Why had he been so ashamed of anything at all?

The arms keeping him up went slack. Eyes slipped shut. Something in the back of his mind popped. Fizzed out like someone opening a soda. Pain like no other enveloped him, promised an eternity where Yoshiki wouldn't feel this heavy weight or listen to the voices anymore, telling him what was wrong with him.

Somewhere in the far distance, he swore he could hear Hikaru screaming his name.

Sunlight filtered through the blinds, stretching along the floor. An orangish hue that was only brought by being late in the evening. The ceiling came into focus, and all Yoshiki could hear was the muted cicadas outside. Everything felt like a dream. Like he was ten years younger and nothing bad had happened yet. 

Slowly, blurred colors aligned with the correct shapes. A familiar whirr of the AC broke through the dreamy haze. He wasn't cold or wet or had a sickening, slimy sensation wriggling in his mouth. 

Yoshiki was home. 

The bed creaked as he shifted. A numb hand reached for one of the stomach pills he kept somewhere near the pillow. 

"Yer awake?"

Yoshiki's throat felt dry. Lips chapped. A familiar head of white hair popped up from beside the bed, and his mind instantly registered the face. Hikaru. Hikaru. 

He's looked better. White hair messy, sticking up at different angles. A frenzied look in his eyes that kept shifting around the room - looking at him, looking at the wall, the window, the floor. He was still in his school uniform too, the pants rolled up. They looked half dry.

"Here, i'll get ya some water." Hikaru moved to stand, shaky hands reaching for the handle until there was a weak tug on his pants. "Yoshiki?"

"Don't," Yoshiki breathed. The sun caught Hikaru's hair, creating a makeshift halo. The outline of him faint but there. It was like they were back in school and Yoshiki asked what his weekend plans were and Hikaru said something about the mountains. It left dread growing within him. A need for Hikaru not to leave, to not turn away. Yoshiki gave another tug. "Don't go. Please."

Hikaru stood very, very still. Eyes bright, expression showing a million things at once. Carefully did he memorize the length of Yoshiki's thin arm, his slender wrist. The fingers grasping on his pants. Up again, to Yoshiki's face. Sweat had his bangs stuck to his forehead. Cheeks dusted a faint rouge, eyes half open. 

There was a quiet thump as Hikaru kneeled back beside the bed. "Alright. I'm not goin' anywhere."

Yoshiki swallowed. He did want water, but the wish to have Hikaru next to him was greater. 

Silence wrapped around them. Yoshiki didn't ask where his parents were or if his sister had saw them come in. Like the stream before, memories trickled in. Rolling up his pants, the water cool against the skin. Seeing the slimy frog struggle in Hikaru's grip, not knowing he was next. Head splitting open, his insides being overtaken by cold, writhing tendrils. Seeing Hikaru above him, eyes shining in desperation. Need. Starvation.

Something unpleasant raced down Yoshiki's spine. "What happened?"

Hikaru looked like a kicked puppy. Kneeling there, hands fidgeting in his lap. Snaggle tooth biting down hard on his bottom lip. It was the same expression the old Hikaru wore when Yoshiki caught him doing something he shouldn't be. 

The...old Hikaru. 

Breath felt punched from Yoshiki's lungs. 

"An impurity latched onto ya," Hikaru started, words chopped. Slow. Like he was trying not to explain too much. "It, uh, seemed to mess with your memories a bit. Only the bad ones! Ya know, so it started making ya happier and more comfortable and takin' that away seemed cruel."

"You knew," Yoshiki croaked, eyes closing. So he had forgotten. The memories of everything, of his family, of the old Hikaru - gone. And Hikaru had let him forget. It explained the weight inside; the heaviness pressing against frail ribs and shoulders, his head acutely aware of the whispers the village spread about him, his family, and the way he felt about...

 "I didn't think it was doin' ya bad in the beginning," Hikaru admitted quietly, "When the first signs showed I was gonna say somethin', honest. But then...then ya just got happier. I figured it couldn't be that bad." Another long pause. Cicadas filled the space, muted from the closed window. Hikaru rubbed the back of his neck with a wavering laugh. "Ya seemed to like me more too. Let me hang around and talked to me more. I know it was selfish of me, but I swear I mostly didn't act because -"

"I liked ya more?" Yoshiki murmured, eyes focused on the cracks in the ceiling. They've been there for years, tainting the otherwise clean ceiling. Not getting worse, certainly not getting better. Maybe one day it would be better. 

Hikaru nodded. "Ya forgot all about the real Hikaru and, I dunno." He struggled, eyes dropping to the white sheets. To Yoshiki's hand, his fingers loose and palm facing up. "I just liked the way ya'd look at me. It was wrong of me. I'm real sorry, Yoshiki."

Sorry. Hikaru was sorry. Yoshiki didn't know whether to believe it or not. Did this Hikaru really understand what happened? What could have happened? Did he feel that regret knot in those dark insides, or nothing at all? No, that's not right. This Hikaru may not be human but he could feel. It was shown time and time again, much to Yoshiki's exhaustion. 

"What happened at the river?" Yoshiki asked, throat tight. "Why'd ya change your mind?"

Hikaru leaned forward, crossing his arms on the edge of the mattress. Fingertips hovering close to Yoshiki's but not touching. Testing. Yoshiki didn't have to look to know. His eyes closed, an internal huff given.

He really couldn't help himself, could he?

"Once the impurity used all the energy from the bad memories, it started targeting yer good ones, too." Hikaru explained, cheek on his forearm. "It would've sucked all the energy from your brain. Left ya dried up."

Yoshiki didn't want to think about the implications of that. Dried up as in paralyzed? Brain dead? Dead? Fear creeped in at the possibilities and he tried squashing it back down. It didn't matter. Hikaru probably squashed the thing and slurped it up like he did all the other impurities. 

So, Hikaru might've let the impurity get too far, but he had also saved him. For the sake of Yoshiki's happiness. For the reason that Yoshiki liked him a little more.

"Yer an idiot," Yoshiki said.

Hikaru pouted, cheek squished harder against his own forearm as if trying to hide. "Yeah...guess so."

Yoshiki could really go for some water and about twelve hours of sleep. He could go for one of his stomach pills to ease the queasiness in his stomach. Maybe eat something light, like the miso soup he knew was in the fridge or a granola bar. If a choice, he would go for rewinding time. Stop where the shame had yet to be planted and it was easier to smile.

The sheets rustled. With weak limbs, Yoshiki pushed himself on his elbows. One hand came up, bypassing the pills hidden halfway under his pillow. He knew they wouldn't help. Instead, his fingers smoothed over the heat of Hikaru's nape. Nails nicking the damp shirt collar. Hikaru's eyes widened, head lifted from the cradle of his arms.

"Yoshiki -"

He pressed their lips together. Hikaru's were chapped, parted with surprise. An undeniable heat grew in Yoshiki's face when his eyes closed. Faintly tasted the remints of watermelon that Hikaru ate as a snack in class and something bitter.

A hand came up, warm, grasping his wrist. Hikaru sat up and leaned forward, an excited breath escaping. Yoshiki could feel something slimy and cold caress the edges of his mouth.

"Stop that," he chastised, voice low. Hikaru's insides slipped back in with a quick slcch.

The kiss was nothing extravagant. Their mouths slotted together, inexperience evident. Yoshiki knew his heart was beating too fast from something so simple, the nerves having his hand tremble as he pressed his fingertips into the side of Hikaru's neck. It helped when he pulled away, seeing Hikaru looking just as wrecked from the kiss as Yoshiki felt. 

Barely ten seconds passed before a soft whine escaped Hikaru. He leaned back in, all pink-cheeked and lidded eyes zeroed in on Yoshiki's mouth. 

"No." Yoshiki's face turned, Hikaru's lips bumping awkwardly against his lower cheek. Hikaru frowned, pushing his torso up further on the bed. Chest brushing Yoshiki's shoulder, hands wandering to his hips and waist.

"Just one more. Please? Pleaaase?"

Yoshiki sighed. This is what he gets, he supposed. Hikaru pawed at his shirt, hair tickling the bare skin along his neck. 

"I said no."

 "So ya hate me?" Hikaru burrowed in his chest. Yoshiki was sure that, if he looked down, the boy would be sporting an ugly pout. 

Yoshiki's held back an amused snort. He tried weakly to push off Hikaru's grip, but the clinginess was too strong. He wouldn't admit the warmth that snuck in his chest, eased the tightness there. If just for the moment, this was okay. Something that Yoshiki would be selfish enough to settle in until something inevitable came along and broke it. 

"I like ya enough," he murmured. Voice near inaudible under Hikaru's dramatic cries and fake sniffles. 

It didn't matter though. Hikaru perked up the second the words slipped out. Eyes wide, the sunlight glinting off the grey iris. Yoshiki's fingers curled into the covers as Hikaru lunged, wrapping him up in a strong grip. A yelp escaped, the bed squeaking under the new weight. 

"Get off!"

"Say it again. C'mon, Yoshiki, say it again!"

The two wrestled amongst the sheets, fabric twisted around their legs and limbs bumping against each other. Hikaru, whether it be because he wasn't human anymore, held a strong grip. Nothing that hurt, but enough to have Yoshiki quickly losing, his body shuffling between the taller's legs and getting his hands pinned down. They were both flushed, breaths coming out a little harder.

Hikaru grinned. Yoshiki grimaced, uneasy, yet not entirely wanting to push Hikaru off. It wasn't like he could either. Even though he felt much better than before, his body held a sluggish weight. It would take a day or two to get the strength back he had before. 

Yoshiki awaited the pleading and gloating. How Hikaru would ask him to repeat it or say something as equally embarrassing. 

"I like ya a lot, Yoshiki." Came out instead. Yoshiki stilled, eyes flicking away. He never felt as grateful for his long bangs as he did now, wishing they covered his whole expression. Hikaru leaned down and Yoshiki sucked in a breath, waiting for him to close the gap entirely. Hikaru never did. "I'm crazy for ya. But I said that already."

It didn't make Yoshiki's heart beat any slower though.

They both waited. Yoshiki's fingers twitched under Hikaru's grip. "Then why're ya sayin' it again?"

Hikaru didn't seem put off. Merely loosening his grip, putting a little more space between them. Yoshiki wasn't sure how to feel about it. Relief? Ease? Disappointment?

"Just remindin'," Hikaru said, sitting back on Yoshiki's thighs. 

It seemed Yoshiki didn't fully grasp just how much Hikaru liked him. What he'd do, what he'd say, only if Yoshiki asked. The possibilities were at the tips of his fingers, going untouched. Hikaru wished sometimes he would be a little more selfish. More open to opportunity, more aware of the power he held simply being the eye of Hikaru's affections. But no. Instead, Yoshiki wished for the worst. The real Hikaru had been impatient and that trait had passed down. The restraint was there from the moment this Hikaru woke up to the time he went back to sleep. The boundaries were pushed as much as they could be with innocent touches and a closeness the old Hikaru never indulged in. Never mind the want that lingered inside and ached in his gums. The way all of him was empty, bottomless, his insides toppling over one another whenever Yoshiki stood there in arms reach. The mock friendly gestures and the playful bites and pathetic sniffs of Yoshiki's scent just barely scratched at that hunger. Kept Hikaru sane. It had been enough for now, but there would be a day Hikaru would snap. It just depended on who broke down first - his inhumane instincts, or Yoshiki. 

I'll wait, Hikaru thought, looking down at Yoshiki under him, all faint blushes and slender limbs and that warm soul flickering in his chest, but don't make it forever.