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“You are the worst.”
Grian hears the spiteful words before he even sees who it is, but he knows instantly it’s Joel.
Joel’s eyes are blazing with anger and his words carry a sort of barely repressed rage as he says the words slowly and quietly so only Grian could hear.
“Hello to you, too, Joel.”
“Was that you?”
Grian scoffs and crosses his arms. “Come on now, Joel. I think the better question here is why on earth would you do this in a pillar made entirely out of sand without questioning anything?”
“Answer the question!”
“What’s it to you? You could’ve easily used your water bucket, anyway, but I see that it failed exactly just like last time.”
Joel grits his teeth and steps closer, grabs onto Grian’s collar and bunches it in his fist. “That doesn’t work here—! Why are you—what is your problem?”
Grian shrugs out of Joel’s grip and glares at him. “You killed me.”
Recognition flashes across Joel’s expression, before twisting back into a glare. “And you betrayed me. Over and over again.”
Grian scoffs. “Like you didn’t do the same thing.”
“That’s what I’m saying!” Joel shouts, exasperated. “We’ve always turned against each other multiple times in the past, why is that time any different?”
“I don’t know, okay?! Maybe because it was just us, maybe because—”
Because it’s you. Because I can never have any rational reason when it comes to you.
But Grian doesn’t say that, of course. Because how could he even explain it when even he can’t fully understand it, too? How, in the face of all things, he still ends up thinking about Joel. Still ends up being near him. Still ends up right beside him. It infuriates him how Joel makes him question all these things, because in the first place they weren’t even that important to each other. Grian could call Joel over, protect him from anybody who wants to harm him, say the most heartfelt declarations to him even though it holds absolutely no weight, but…they were just that.
And he knows deep down that people who aren’t important to each other most certainly do not act the way they do, but Grian would rather not ponder about it too much. Because he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about Joel. He hates him. Hates how he laughs and grins without a care in the world like there’s nothing wrong. Hates how his stupid smiles and knowing glances makes Grian’s heart twist with longing.
Most of all, he loathes how Joel makes Grian convince himself that he doesn’t care.
Because despite it all, Grian still called out for Joel as they died together in Last Life. Grian still reached out for Joel, desperately, as he watched Joel collapse to the ground in front of that tower in Limited Life. Grian still protected Joel from everyone chasing him in Wild Life. Still said he’d give up his life for him even though they both knew it was nothing more than an empty promise.
It’s always so conflicting when it comes to Joel.
“Because what, Grian?” Joel says in a way that makes it seem as though he already knows the answer.
Even the very sight of Joel right now makes Grian so infuriatingly irrationally angry. How could he just stand there like that, as if simultaneously completely oblivious to his effect on Grian and completely aware of it all the same?
Grian pulls out his sword and points it just beside Joel, just barely touching his clothes. He hears whispers from the crowd around them, but he cannot care right now when all he sees is the way Joel’s angered expression falters for a split second as he stumbles back. Grian sees Joel’s hand tighten around his own sword, but he doesn’t move.
“Because of you.”
Grian hates Joel. Hates how he makes all these complicated emotions bubble in Grian’s chest and sit there heavily. Hates how he makes Grian want to keep him safe and kill him at the same time. Hates how he haunts Grian’s memories so easily. Hates how he makes Grian want to push him away and pull him tight all the same.
Hates how, now, his expression crumbles just a little bit, blazing eyes flashing with hurt for a split second.
Sometimes Grian wonders if all these emotions have always been there, and the tipping point of it all was Wild Life—in that moment, as the two of them stood on crumbling cherry blossoms, swords in hand, staring at one another like they both already know how it’ll end.
Grian withdraws his sword, but his eyes still look into Joel’s. His mind is reeling. His heart is conflicted, the way it always is when it comes to Joel.
Then Joel chuckles. A quiet, soft sound in the midst of the sudden silence. It was just how the two of them handled things, wasn’t it? With bright grins around bloodied lips and laughter even in the face of things like this. Just like when they died together in Last Life. Just like in their battle in Wild Life.
“You liar.”
Grian loosens his grip on the sword. He wasn’t exactly sure what Joel was referring to, but he had an inkling it wasn’t about the trap anymore. Joel just knows him infuriatingly well.
“I’m not lying about anything.”
Joel laughs again briefly and steps away from the vicinity of Grian’s sword before speaking softly, almost a plea. “Are you not tired of this, Grian?”
“We’ve always been like this.”
And it’s true, isn’t it? It’s just like them to fight and kill each other and then laugh about it the next day. To always find each other no matter what and stay by each other’s side even when they weren’t technically allies. To protect each other even when they were technically enemies. So what would they be without all that?
They just can never make things easy.
“But are you not tired of pretending?”
Grian lets out a small, almost bitter laugh. “Don’t act like you don’t do the same thing.”
It’s just what they do. Pretend like they don’t care about each other but still reach out to pull the other aside from the vicinity of danger. But in reality—and maybe it’s something that Grian knew deep down from the beginning—they both care. So much, in fact, that it has grown into resentment and hate. Because why? Why do they have to care so much? Why do they want each other so badly, despite everything? Why does it always feel like there’s a gravitational force pulling them towards each other?
“You just…” Joel sighs, dejected. He lets out the smallest laugh, sounding empty. “You just can never make things easy, can you?”
Grian’s heart thumps wildly in his chest. He really, really hates how much he cares. He turns away and prepares to set off toward the base, away from Joel, away from everyone, away from his own, stupid, complicated feelings.
“I could say the same thing about you.” He says, just before walking away.