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Maybe it’s the drums in the background of this one, but Nothing’s Gunna Hurt You Baby hits me in a particular way that sends shivers down my spine as it kicks off with those soft, whispery lyrics. It makes me want to pull Charlie close and snuggle him until we fall asleep, safe in each other's arms.
We take care of each other, we love each other. And, yeah, Charlie has his issues, but I’ve got mine, too. I think we both want to believe that we can prevent each other from ever hurting, but the world has taught us otherwise.
This song reminds me that even if we do get hurt, even if the world, or our own brains, get in our way, that we will always be there for each other. We’ll always support each other through it. Coming out was a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. I will forever be grateful that I was lucky enough to have Charlie by my side through it, sticking up for me, standing by my side.
That’s what this song means to me. I hope it reminds him of the same.
—
Coming to this party with a headache was, admittedly, a terrible plan. I thought I could power through, but now I’ve lost Charlie to the crowd, and the music is so loud I can’t think. Of course, Tori’s found out I lost Charlie as well, and I’m sure she’ll never trust me again.
Why would she, when I’ve failed at the one thing she made me promise to do tonight?
There are people everywhere, drinks in hand, stumbling around me, shouting, and laughing, but the brightness of the bonfire is painful, and I blink against its flickering brightness as I continue to search for my boyfriend. The one I can’t seem to tell anyone about.
“What's up, mate?” I hear Otis call over the din. I turn and find all three of my friends– Otis, Sai and Christian making their way towards me through the crowd.
Sai leans in and yells, “Mate, you all right?”
I need to tell them. I promised Charlie.
“Yeah, I, uh, just, um…” My mind is spinning, and I look over to the bonfire, hoping the bright light might clear my head a bit. It’s enough, and I turn back to my friends.
“I just needed to talk to you guys about something.” My breathing is coming faster as the pounding in my head intensifies. I promised. I told Charlie I was going to come out.
My brain helpfully reminds me of a few worried thoughts on the matter.
Tori’s voice saying, ‘ You're bisexual? So you're gonna cheat on my brother?
Imogen asking me, ‘Are you sure you're not just gay? ’
Christian, Sai, and Otis are staring at me, waiting for whatever I need to tell them, but I’m choking on it, the words sitting like a stone in my chest. Suddenly, an arm encircles my neck, and I hear one of the few voices I desperately wish to avoid.
“Aww. Share with the group.” Harry teases, a mocking grin on his face as he swings me around.
“Come on. Spit it out.”
Ben: It's fun, isn't it? Sneaking around with him.
David: Pick a side.
Charlie: You promised you were gunna come out.
David: I should've known you'd turn out to be gay.
Tori: He's still lying for you.
Nick: ..this is exactly why I didn't wanna tell you.
My heart is beating hard in my chest, and I can’t seem to get enough air as panic claws at me.
Suddenly, Harry’s arm disappears, and I hear the one voice I’d been hoping for.
“Nick doesn't wanna talk to you, Harry. Piss off.” Charlie . One of the only people I feel one hundred percent safe with. I turn as Harry is pulled off of me, but everything is far away, and my breathing is coming in short pants.
Harry laughs, loud and brash.
“Oi, what's his problem?” Harry gestures at Charlie, and he’s looking at me, as though I’m going to explain why Charlie is telling him to fuck off. I can’t catch my breath to respond, the panic still rushing through me.
“Gee, you know how funny it is?” Harry’s words echo in my head, and then the noise of the bonfire and the party rush back in again. Everything is too loud. And then there’s Charlie. He’s turned to me, finally.
“Are you okay?” His voice is soft as his gaze tracks over my face, like he’s visually checking that I’m unharmed. A warmth surges within me because Charlie makes me feel cared for, no matter what.
“I feel really ill.” I finally confess, a lightheadedness rushing through me as the thump of the headache knocks against my skull.
“I'm taking you home,” Charlie replies, so certain even though I haven’t done what I came here to do. I turn to find that Sai, Christian, and Otis have left. I’ve missed my chance. Fuck.
Charlie pulls me away, though, and I don’t have the energy to try to go find them, so I give in and let him lead me home.
I don’t remember much of the journey home. The next thing I really remember is the warmth and comfort of my bed in a dark room. The door is cracked open, but the hall light is off. I can hear murmuring coming from downstairs– Charlie and Mum. My two favourite people. The image makes me smile.
The next thing I know, there is a gentle weight shifting into the bed beside me, and I hum, a small sound of contentment because he’s there now.
Charlie speaks. “Hey.”
His fingers gently brush along the side of my head, into my hair.
“Hey,” I mumble with a small smile.
I feel the bed shift as Charlie looks back at my nightstand and then turns back to me.
“I made you tea,” he says in a cheeky tone, and it makes me huff out a laugh. I do the only thing that makes sense to me and lift myself so I can lay my head on his chest. He’s warm, all wrapped up in my hoodie. One of the many he’s ‘borrowed’.
His thumb rubs circles into my shoulder, and every worry I had fades into the background for a moment.
“Char,” I sigh out as I snuggle into his stomach.
“Yeah?” he asks softly.
“You told Harry to piss off,” I observe, and Charlie chuckles. It’s one of my favourite sounds.
“I enjoyed that,” I conclude, a bit of pride welling up in my chest as I remember how Charlie stood up to Harry.
“So did I,” Charlie whispers back, and I can’t help the laugh that escapes me.
“I'd do it again,” he says stubbornly, his tone going serious, and something inside me flutters at his willingness to be brave. He is so much braver than I’ll ever be.
I lift myself up to look at him. We are inches apart, but I can still feel his warmth.
“Yeah?” I ask, and I see it in his eyes; the determination, the strength, as he leans forward to whisper.
“I'd fight them.”
And then I’m laughing again because my boyfriend just said he’d get in a fight for me. I would tease him about it if I had the energy.
“You'd fight?” And he’s looking at me like I’ve hung the moon, his gaze bright and so, so sure.
“I'd fight anyone who's mean to you,” he states, glancing down at his hands once before picking up my gaze again. A thrill of love shoots through me. And then a tidal wave of roiling guilt, and I tuck my face back into his chest with a heavy sigh.
“I'm sorry,” I huff out, snuggling up to him again. He is my comfort even as I break my promise to him.
“What for?” he asks, as though it’s not obvious that I have failed him. Maybe this is the moment he realises I’m not good enough for him. I take a deep breath.
“I said I'd tell them, but I couldn't.” I cling to him as I say it, my voice muffled into his (my) jumper. I hope he doesn’t hate me for it.
“Nick,” He speaks in a low, careful tone, and my heart jumps into my throat as he begins to move until we are facing each other again, eyes locked.
“You have nothing to apologise for.” I squeeze my eyes shut and then open them to stare at my headboard. I feel like a coward, like I’ve lied to him. Like I’m just the same as Ben– jerking Charlie around. How could he want to be with someone who can’t even be proud and out about being with him?
“Tonight just wasn't the night,” Charlie presses on, but I don’t think he understands.
“I promised,” I insist, hoping he’ll finally get it, that he’ll finally see how I’ve failed him.
“What do you mean?”
“When we went to the beach.” I look at him again, willing him to understand. His expression is patient as I push myself to explain.
“I told you I was gonna come out, but... I've just been finding it so hard.”
I can’t quite look at him when I say that. I’m finding it hard, but he had it worse than I did. He was outed; he had no choice in the matter. And yet here I am, struggling to come out even when I know I want to.
“You didn't promise anything,” Charlie answers sternly, and I look at him in surprise.
“I think there's this idea that when you're not straight, you have to tell all your friends and family immediately. Like you owe it to them. But you don't.”
A part of me wants to tell him that I do, though. For his sake, I do. But another part of me settles as he says that. He’s right. I certainly don’t owe that information to anyone. I just wish I didn’t have to give everyone that information in order to feel comfortable acting how I want to act - like a lovesick fool - around my boyfriend.
Charlie pulls me back into his chest, and I snuggle into him, breathing in his calming scent. My breathing begins to even out as I lay there. He’s so comfortable. He’s my safe place, and a wave of gratitude washes through me.
I can feel my exhaustion pulling me under again, but I hold on just a little longer. Charlie’s voice breaks the silence.
“Maybe we should forget the coming-out plan for a while.”
I’m so surprised by this turn that I lift my head again to look at him.
“Really?” I am slightly embarrassed by how eager I sound about this idea.
“Yeah,” he replies with a small smile. No dimples this time.
“Let's just stay low-key in Paris, and then it'll be the summer holidays, and we can just be us,” he suggests, and relief cascades through me. Time, it gives me time. A little more time to think it through and make a plan to come out. I’m going to do it. I am.
“That does sound nice,” I agree.
“Yeah,” he says, voice soft, and I worry that maybe he’s only doing this for me. I lay my head back down on his chest and hug him tight before letting myself relax again in his arms.
“You sure you're okay with it?” I wonder, just to be sure. That same exhaustion is creeping over again, pulling at my eyelids, dragging my conscious brain into the land of dreams. This is my safe place.
“Yeah. Just…” Charlie trails off, and my worn-out brain falls fully into the dreamscape, leaving my bedroom behind.
—
Charlie later told me that, at the time, he had been torn between wanting everyone to know we were together and not wanting all of that attention on him, on us, after the bullying he’d been through before.
The conflicting desires had been difficult for him to navigate, but we got there. Ultimately, Charlie just wanted me to have a good coming out experience and to be fully in control of it. He didn’t want anything or anyone taking that away from me like it had been for him.
I love him for that, for how much he loves me and wants the best for me. I love him just the same. This memory reminds me that each of us will do whatever we can to make sure the other doesn’t hurt, and we’ll care for each other if we are hurt. I feel so lucky that I have that with him.