Chapter Text
Since his parents passed away, Chan has been learning how to be fully independent. Well, he was already somewhat accustomed to being by himself even while they were still alive. For whatever reason, they kind of neglected him, not all the time, but mostly.
Well they had thirteen children, so it's impossible to attend to them all at once. Understandable. But despite their best efforts, they nevertheless managed to overlook—possibly unintentionally—their youngest son, Chan.
Christmas and birthdays are still celebrated, including the youngest's birthday ofcourse— even though his birthday sometimes ends up being celebrated on the day after his birthday because his mother would tell him some excuses like, "I'm so sorry, love, we were so busy, we'll make it up to you today.", (and no, it never happened around his hyungs' birthdays) but Chan just smiled at her like he understands what she meant.
And because all of them are academically achievers, their achievements, small or big, are always celebrated. That's why he never complained about anything. In fact, he is grateful since, compared to some kids he watched on TV, he has a family and he can eat and sleep in luxury. Therefore, even though his family didn't give him much attention, he is incredibly thankful.
Before Chan was born, Hansol was the youngest of the family for five years. He was the baby. They all showered him with love and care, unconditionally. Though they also do express their love for Chan and give him care he needs, even when he just suddenly came out of nowhere into their lives, but not to the same extent that they do for his Hansol-hyung.
— Because apparently, Chan was an accident, a mistake. He once heard his classmate’s mother referring to him as a child out of wedlock.
They have the same biological mother, but accordingly, Chan is the only one with a separate biological father who he never had the chance to meet, he was told he passed away 3 months before Chan was born.
He wasn't sure about the detailed information regarding their parents' past, but he heard that, driven by their constant arguments and disagreements, his mother and step father -which is his other twelve hyungs' father- ended up cheating on each other years ago. And unfortunately, her mother got pregnant by his ex-boyfriend, who turns out to be Chan's biological father.
But as much as they hate their mistakes, they also love each other so much, that despite all that, the married couple still chose to forgive and fix their family.
At such a young age, Chan was already aware of all of these facts. That's why he wasn't really surprised by the distinctly different treatment of their father towards him and his other brothers. To them, he was so sweet and soft spoken. But to Chan, well he was never aggressive, but he wasn't affectionate either. He was rather cold, dismissive and barely interacted with the youngest.
His mother became ill six years after Chan was born. They found out that she had cervical cancer due to multiple pregnancies. The doctor claimed that going through 12 pregnancies were already at risk of developing cancer and that a 13th pregnancy shouldn't have happened since it would be dangerous for both the child and the mother. But Alas, here he was. The youngest, the thirteenth, the unwanted.
According to the doctor, Chan's immune system is also somehow compromised, thus he needed further attention. Every time the weather changes, he gets a cold more easily than his older brothers. He takes a lot more vitamins and prescribed supplements than his hyungs. Fortunately, he takes it as instructed as it was ingrained to him since like the day he was born, which has prevented him from developing more serious illnesses for years. All he had experienced was a fever and a cold.
Though he is intelligent enough to know about his mother's condition, he didn't know that it was severe. However, all of his brothers were all aware how deadly the disease is. They knew everything, they were so devastated and broken. And driven by those intense emotions, they began projecting their frustration and anger onto their youngest brother. Despite knowing the fact that he is innocent and naive and a literal baby that couldn't do anything wrong. They all still believed he was to blame because apparently they needed someone to blame.
So from being such loving brothers, they suddenly became someone Chan couldn't recognize, cold and impatient.
He wasn't being verbally (only once by Hansol) or physically attacked by them. They just gave him a subtle cold shoulder instead of straight up vocally blaming him and saying hurtful things to him.
Chan was so confused and innocent back then. Everytime he wants to play with his hyungs, they always make excuses, and if he insists, it's either they snap at him or just glare at him, which they never did before their mother became ill.
He still remembers one night, Chan was in the mood to play so he went out of his room, which is also Seungkwan and Hansol’s room to ask one of his hyungs to play with him. He saw Hansol doing his assignment in the living room.
"Hansol-hyung, can we play puzzles please?"
Hansol didn't even glance at him, "No Chan, I'm busy doing something."
"Please hyung?" Chan looked at him with a pout.
"Chan i said no, go to Seokmin-hyung he's probably not busy" Hansol replied firmly. He can feel his patience wearing thin.
"But they're not-"
Hansol finally snapped, "CHAN! CAN YOU JUST FUCKING SHUT UP?! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Chan flinched.
Hansol was 11-years-old at that time, young yes, also a teenager, hormones and everything, meaning his emotions were in a state of rage, plus he was so overwhelmed about his mother's condition. He's angry, at the world, at Chan.
After a few seconds, they heard footsteps from someone's bedroom. Seokmin and Mingyu appeared, with a concerned look on their faces. "Sollie, why ar-" Mingyu was startled by the sudden outbursts of his younger brother.
"IT'S YOUR FAULT WHY EOMMA IS SICK! IF YOU JUST DIDN'T COME TO OUR LIFE, SHE WOULD'VE STILL BE HERE AT HOME AND NOT AT THE HOSPITAL WITH APPA WAITING FOR HER TO DIE!" Hansol yelled while looking furiously at Chan. Tears were already flowing through his eyes. Chan was stunned to reply, eyes widened, confused, and felt like his heart dropped at the words coming from his hyung.
Silence fell.
Then—
"HANSOL! THAT'S ENOUGH!" A voice from the stairs was heard. Chan snapped his head up to Seungcheol.
Then he looked at his surroundings, they're all there. Eleven of them. But they weren't looking at him, not really. 11 pairs of eyes were focused only on their real REAL youngest brother, Hansol.
Chan wanted to cry too, but didn't. He couldn't.
Minutes later, Jeonghan was walking towards them, he went to Chan first, rubbed his back for what felt like two seconds.
"Go to your room, Chan-ah, it's late, you should sleep." Jeonghan remarked and exhaled loudly.
Then, he went to Hansol, brought his hands up to cup the younger’s cheeks. Hansol was literally sobbing.
"I missed her hyung. I can't lose her, I ca-" Hansol sobbed.
Joshua approaches the pair.
"Shh, Hey, you won't lose her Hansol-ah, it's okay, everything will be okay, we'll get through this, okay baby?" Then he hugged Hansol tightly.
Minghao calmly appeared from the kitchen with a glass of water, then gave it to Hansol. "Drink this baby, you need to calm down."
Chan watched them simultaneously comforting Hansol, then after a few minutes standing there like a statue, he slowly walked to his room with his head down.
No one came after him after that burst out from his Hansol hyung. Seungkwan and Hansol didn't sleep in their shared room either. Maybe they're being coddled by their other hyungs that night.
He didn't cry. He wanted to but he couldn't. He kind of learned how to hold back tears at such a young age. He didn't know what to feel. It was overwhelming. But his head was still stuck at what his Hansol-hyung said to him.
Eomma is really sick because of me?
I shouldn't be here? with them?
Is it because I have a different Appa?
Is that why they don't want to play with me anymore?
Because they hate me now?
Because it's all my fault?
Then the scene earlier in the living room with his brothers came to his mind, the way they prioritize Hansol. The way they didn't even spare a glance to Chan. He was suddenly reminded of the fact that he was only a step-brother to them. An unwanted child to their father. A mistake to his mother. He doesn't really belong here.
He stayed quiet for a long moment, his gaze distant, like he was watching memories play on the bedroom ceiling.