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“Ben, are you certain?”
General Leia Organa turned to her son as she spoke. Her son who had somehow made it back to her, almost too late.
“Yes, it has to be now. Snoke is weak, much weaker than he lets on, weaker without-” Ben shifted nervously, “Without someone to to channel his will.” Without me, he meant.
“Ben is right,” Luke spoke up from across the large conference room table, “I can feel it, this can work.”
Low murmuring broke out throughout the meeting room. Commander Poe Dameron watched from the opposite side, but said nothing. Since Ben had returned, he had made a point to avoid him. Poe couldn’t look at him without remembering the pain, the terror of Kylo Ren in his mind. It was so at odds from the boy he had known, had loved. Looking at Ben now was like having his heart broken and reformed in a continuous loop.
“Commander,” General Organa addressed him directly now, “You are aware of the risks?”
“I am General, and I accept them,” Poe knew that if this didn’t work, it was very likely neither himself nor Ben Solo would be returning, “This is our best shot, we have to take it.”
She nodded at him, eyes sad and tired, but she understood. They all did. Poe was the very best pilot and they needed the very best. This was far too important. Poe was someone who had always taken risks. With his ship, with his life, with his heart. This certainly checked off all three.
“I think everyone is in agreement then,” Leia stood, causing the rest of the room to do the same, “unless anyone else has anything to add, everyone is dismissed. Mission begins in 8 hours. Thank you all, and may the Force be with you.”
She looked again, first at Poe and then at her son, who looked back and nodded. Something silent seemed to pass between them, and for all Poe knew that was true. He knew the power the Force had on the mind. Some of it’s uses at least. He had been so caught up in his own thoughts he didn’t notice that the room was nearly empty. He turned to leave.
“Commander, wait.”
Poe tried not to flinch as Ben’s voice cut through the silent room. I’m impressed.
“I’m sorry,” Ben continued, “I understand. Why you don’t want to talk with me. I just-”
Ben stopped when he realized Poe hadn’t moved, hadn’t spoken, seemed frozen in place. Ben reached his hand towards him and suddenly Poe’s mind was sparking. Kylo Ren, invading his mind. Pain, screaming until his throat was raw. Poe’s hand moved on it’s own to the blaster at his hip. As quickly as he felt it solid in his palm, it was suddenly gone. Flung across the room with a dull thud against the opposite wall and then he couldn’t move. Not the Force. It was Ben, hands gripping his shoulders, but gently.
“Poe, Poe,” Ben’s voice sounded very soft, “I won’t. I would never hurt you. Not again.”
Ben was so close now, over a full head taller, so that Poe had to look up study his face. It hurt, oh hells it hurt. It was familiar, but not. The scar he received from Rey bisecting his face, like a constant, physical reminder of the two people he had been. The eyes though, they were the same as Poe remembered. The same soft hazel and shy look and that was so ridiculously unfair. There was no flight manual for this. For loving and hating someone with such equal passion that it was impossible to untangle one from the other.
“Well, false words and all that,” Poe tried to sound flippant and defiant, but his voice trembled, maybe his body too in Ben’s loose grip.
“I know what you’re risking, what you’ve already risked,” Ben released Poe’s shoulders, but didn’t move away, “what you’ve lost.”
“I lost you!” Poe exploded, the anger and the fear and the painful hope all converging, “I lost you and I dealt with it. I mourned you and it was so incredibly hard, but I moved on. And then…”
He stopped, his voice tightening and eyes starting to burn. He had to get out of here, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn around and leave. If he did, he felt like he would be closing a door forever.
“I think I should go alone,” Ben’s voice sounded hoarse, “Tomorrow, I mean.”
“Ben, that’s not what I’m saying” he swallowed hard over the tightness in his throat, “Don’t be stupid, you need... “
Me, he thought.
“A pilot.”
Ben moved as if to reach for him again, but seemed to decide against it. He bit his lip, just like he used to, when he was thinking or nervous.
“Snoke has to be stopped. It has to be me. I can’t let him do what he did to me. To anyone, ever again,” he let out a shaky breath, “I can’t ever make up for what I did, but I can do this.”
When Poe’s mother had died he didn’t cry for weeks. Not when his father sat him down gently, tears in his own eyes. Not at the funeral with Leia’s comforting hand on his shoulder or when Han had given him his mother’s old flight jacket, soft and faded. It had been on sunny afternoon on Yavin IV and Ben, shy and kind, had sat with him under their Force Tree in his front yard. They were young, too young to really know what they felt or what it might mean, but Ben had slid his hand into Poe’s and murmured 'I’m sorry about your mother.' Poe cried then, and Ben sat with him until the sun started to slide down behind the trees.
“I remember that day,” Ben’s voice cut through Poe’s thoughts, “I’m not... I didn’t read your mind or anything,” he added quickly, “Things come through sometimes.”
“Ben,” Poe started then stopped.
“Please Poe.” Ben’s voice had a sharp edge to it now, “I know we were young, but I still knew what I felt for you. And I know it’s far too late now, but if something happens to you then what is the whole blasted point!”
Poe had let himself daydream in moments of weakness, alone in his bunk at the academy, that Ben would come back. Imagined that Ben would hear his silent pleas, maybe through the Force. That Poe was enough to break the hold of darkness on him. But he hadn’t been. Too late now, Ben had said.
“I wanted to save you.” Poe said finally, “I still do.”
And because Poe ran full-throttle on everything he did, because he had always been brave, he closed the gap between them. He slid his hand into Ben’s thick curls, pulled him down even as he stood up on his toes and kissed him. Ben didn’t respond at first, seemed too shocked to do anything. Poe tried to pull back, but suddenly found himself with Ben’s arms around his waist and mouth pressed firmly against Poe’s. They had never done this, not even back then. That painful hope grew in Poe’s chest as he gripped Ben’s shoulders tightly.
“I’m going with you,” Poe said when they pulled apart, Ben’s eyes searching his face. He opened his mouth to say something, but Poe just kissed him again.
Neither heard the door open, then a moment later close again. Leia Organa stood with her back against the meeting room door and tried not to hope.