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“Hyung?”
The voice cracks over the phone line, and Jaebum’s chest aches at the wet sound of it.
“Hey baby, what's up?”
Youngjae’s inhale is shaky, and Jaebum squeezes his eyes shut in the darkness of his empty room and hates the distance of the ocean between Japan and Korea. “I miss you, hyung.”
“I miss you too, Jae. So much. Where are you right now?” Jaebum tries to keep his voice steady, tries to keep the worry out of his tone. A glance at his clock tells him it's 3am and Youngjae should be sleeping, not calling him on the verge of tears.
“Where's Jinyoung? He's rooming with you, right?” He should be. Jaebum had begged him to keep an eye on Youngjae when he couldn't be there.
“I'm in our room. Jinyoung-hyung went down to the pool with the others. I said I was going to follow after I found my swimsuit, but then…” His voice trails off, a sniffle carrying through the speaker, and Jaebum’s hand twitches, an instinctive need to touch and hold the other boy - to wipe away his tears before they can even fall. “I realized you wouldn't be there and, I just… I didn't feel like going anymore.”
Youngjae’s voice trembles on the last words, and Jaebum clenches his hand into a fist at the telltale sign that Youngjae’s in tears again. He ignores the twinge of pain his growing tension sends along his back and tries to think of something, anything he can say to fix things, to make things better. He feels useless.
“I'm sorry, Jae.” He hates himself for making Youngjae cry like this, for not being able to be there to hold him right now. For not being able to keep him from crying in the first place.
Sharp and irritated, Youngjae’s sniffle rasps through the speaker, and Jaebum can hear the rustle of movement, can picture Youngjae swiping grumpily at his tears and succeeding in spreading them all over his cheeks. He probably looks like a mess, eyes red and nose threatening to run everywhere. Jaebum aches to see it.
“Stop apologizing, hyung! You keep apologizing! It's all you do and you keep saying sorry to all the fans and to the company and to the members, but you shouldn't be! You’re sick and hurting and it’s not your fault. Why can't you- can’t you stop being sorry and just get better?” Tripping over the final question, Youngjae’s voice drops to a hoarse whisper, and Jaebum knows he's crying again despite his efforts to stop.
Jaebum’s own eyes burn, and he has to clear his throat to keep from choking up. He can only manage a low murmur without his voice giving him away. “I'm sorry I'm not there.”
Youngjae’s sniffles are coming close together, and Jaebum knows it's only a matter of time before he's crying in earnest. He flips the phone to speaker, wincing at the bright light of the screen, and navigates to his Kakao chats.
“I’m sorry I messed everything up, hyung.”
Jaebum freezes mid-word and abandons the message half-finished to pull the phone back to his ear, clutching the plastic close and trying to listen down the connection for any clue as to what Youngjae is thinking. He hates not seeing his face. “What are you talking about, Jae? You didn't mess anything up.”
“I'm sorry I let us fight.”
Jaebum’s lungs empty in a slow hiss. His heart aches and he wishes he could see Youngjae’s face - wishes that they weren't having this conversation over the phone with Youngjae alone in a hotel room in Osaka and Jaebum trapped in his cold, empty dorm room. It's been cold and empty for a while now, though.
“You didn't do anything wrong, babe. It wasn't even a fight.”
Youngjae’s sniffles bury under Jaebum’s ribs and stab little needles into his heart and lungs. “But you wanted me to stay, and I didn't.”
His arms ache, and Jaebum wraps his free one around himself as he closes his eyes, tries to pretend it's Youngjae he's holding. “You're allowed to sleep wherever you want, Jae.”
“It wasn’t just about the bed, though, was it, hyung?” Youngjae’s voice is small and Jaebum presses his head harder against the pillow, tries to use the pain in his back to distract him from the turmoil of emotions making his stomach churn.
“That's not your fault. Hyung just needs to learn to share.”
A frantic rustling carries over the line, and Jaebum can see Youngjae in his mind's eye desperately shaking his head, completely disregarding the non-visual nature of phone calls. It makes a corner of his mouth twitch up even as he squeezes his eyes tighter against the sudden sting.
“That's… that's not it! I just… I thought…” Youngjae’s voice trails off and Jaebum’s hand twitches again, reaches for skin that's an ocean away.
“What did you think?” What happened to us? He doesn't ask the question aloud, tries to bury it under his worn-out mantra that it doesn't matter. That Youngjae is still here, still cares, even if he left him - no, left their room - and changed the way things had been.
“I thought you would try harder. To make me stay.”
Jaebum finds himself lost for words, eyes sliding open to stare at the dark ceiling. “What?”
“I just…” Youngjae’s voice is tiny, and Jaebum has to press the speaker right against his ear, holding his breath so he can hear. “When I said I was thinking about changing rooms you… you looked upset, but you didn't really say anything and I thought… I thought that maybe that meant you didn't really care. So then I thought that I'd actually do it, and I kept talking about it and…” His voice trails off again, and with his phone held so close, Jaebum can hear the soft, familiar sound of Youngjae worrying his lip. “I thought that maybe if I made you jealous, you'd tell me not to leave.”
“I'm not going to tell you what to do, Jae.” Jaebum speaks reactively, still trying to catch up with exactly what Youngjae’s implying.
“I know! I know you wouldn't actually do that, but… I wanted you to. I wanted you to tell me that you wanted me to stay.” The tears in Youngjae’s voice have faded back to sniffles, but his tone is strained, and Jaebum can almost feel the heat of his flushed skin, can almost see the embarrassment gluing his eyes to the floor.
“I wanted you to stay, Jae.” It's the condensed version, the simplified form of everything he wanted and still wants - everything he would want to say if he could ever find the words.
Youngjae sniffles. “I know. I'm sorry I didn't.”
Jaebum’s free hand traces along the sheets beside him, the empty expanse of bed that used to be Youngjae’s side. “1:31.”
“What?” Youngjae’s voice is confused, flustered, and Jaebum can picture him spinning to look for a clock.
“Our song. 1:31am.” His throat is tight and sore with the effort to control his emotions, but he swallows hard, pulls in a lungful of air.
“ If it ever gets hard you can come back to me, I am here like always here for you, I will never leave you. ” His voice shakes as he sings, and he can hear Youngjae crying, small choked sobs. “ Waiting for you .”
Youngjae’s wet gasps make Jaebum’s chest feel tight and suffocating, and he curls his hand into a fist. “I want you to be happy, Jae. But I never wanted you to leave. I… I miss you being here. I miss… you. With me. Like before.”
“Can I come back?” Youngjae’s words are hard to make out through his tears. “When… when we get back to Korea, can I… can we try again? I was dumb and scared about… I don’t even know, but I… I just miss you so much, hyung.”
It feels a little warmer in the room, a little less empty with Youngjae’s voice in his ear, and Jaebum’s gaze lands on the dim outline of one of the stuffed toys Youngjae had never bothered to take with him when he left. Jaebum keeps it next to the bed. He takes a deep breath. “Yeah. I'd like that, Jae. I… I want you here.”
Choked sobs fill the silence between them, and Jaebum hums soft, soothing noises as he puts his phone back on speaker and finishes his message - sends the note to Jinyoung asking him to go back and be with Youngjae. Youngjae’s rush of emotions is fading quickly, his sobs getting progressively weaker, and Jaebum is all too aware of the fact that it's after 3 in the morning and Youngjae performed a concert today. He can picture him curled around a pillow, shoulders shaking, eyes closed as he cries - the need for sleep dragging at him even as tears force themselves to the surface. He wants to be the pillow Youngjae’s wrapped around, to hold him and kiss him and whisper in his ear all the things he wants him to know.
“I love you, Choi Youngjae.”
Breath hitching, Jaebum can hear Youngjae shift, hears his breathing get louder as he clutches the phone closer. “I love you too, hyung. I love you so much. I'm sorry.”
Jaebum gives a displeased grunt, glances at his phone as it buzzes with Jinyoung’s reply that he's on his way. “Don't be sorry, baby. I told you, you have nothing to be sorry for.”
Youngjae’s next sniffle is loud, but he sounds like he's calming down, and Jaebum listens to his little shuddery breaths and tangles his fingers in the sheets, wishes he could tangle his hand with Youngjae’s instead.
“I wish you were here, hyung. I miss you so much.”
“I know.” Overwhelmed with how much he relates, Jaebum swallows hard. His heart aches with the need to be next to Youngjae, to be with him, with all of them. “I miss you too, baby, and I wish I could be there. I promise I’m trying to do everything I can to get better quickly so this never happens again, but in the meantime I sent Jinyoung back to the room. He'll stay with you. Like my stand-in or my stunt double.”
There was a small commotion of sound on the other line in the middle of his speech, but Jaebum isn't sure what it was until a new voice chimes in.
“A stunt-double? I'm a real actor, I'll have you know, Im Jaebum.” Jinyoung’s voice is sulky, but it tugs a small smile out of Jaebum anyway, and his heart lifts when he hears Youngjae give a wet chuckle.
“Yeah, but don't forget who starred in most of our music videos.”
“Me! I steal every video I’m in!” Mark’s voice is loud, right up next to the phone, and the flow of conversation derails when Youngjae squawks and starts whining at Mark about getting his wet swimsuit all over the bed. Jaebum lets his head relax against his pillow, tension seeping out of his shoulders as their voices mix in playful argument, and he can hear Youngjae’s tone getting brighter.
The banter continues, and Jaebum smiles. Behind his closed eyes his imagination provides images for the words and noises carrying through the phone speaker, and he chokes on a laugh when Youngjae’s squeal, Jinyoung’s laughter, and the wet slap of fabric on wood tells him that Mark has dealt with the swimsuit and bed conundrum by getting rid of the offending article while leaving the rest of him in place. The phone stays against his ear as he listens to Jinyoung and Mark distracting Youngjae with stories of the antics Bambam and Yugyeom were getting up to after finding out that Jackson thought swimming at night was spooky, and he can almost forget he's not with them, that he's lying on a different bed in a different room in a different country with too many miles between them. His back aches dully, but it's easier to ignore with the backdrop of Youngjae’s laughter and Jinyoung and Mark’s playful debate over who’s most likely to drown whom before the night is out.
He almost dozes off with the light voices and laughter as a soothing soundtrack in the darkness and barely notices when it gets quieter, tuning out some exchange involving showers and pajamas.
“Hyung? Are you still there?” Youngjae sounds sleepy, too, his words slurring slightly and trailing off into a yawn.
Jaebum blinks his eyes open, forces himself back to the present. “Yeah, I'm here.”
“I hope you get better soon.”
Jaebum breathes slowly, stares at the ceiling. “Yeah, me too.”
“You know what though?”
Jaebum hums to let him know he's listening, that he should continue.
“It's okay if it takes a while, because I'll be waiting too. We'll all be waiting for you, hyung, and we'll still be here. So just focus on getting better, okay?”
Blinking into the darkness, Jaebum swallows past the lump of emotion clogging his throat. “Okay.”
“I love you, hyung. Just… just wait for me a little longer too. I'll be back. We'll all be back.”
Jaebum probably doesn't do a very good job of hiding the wetness of his voice, but he figures no one will judge him too harshly. “I'll always wait for you, Jae.”
There's a lull, a comfortable silence, and Jaebum listens to the sound of Youngjae breathing as he gets himself under control. It’s only after several minutes that he realizes the quiet is odd. “Where are Jinyoung and Mark? Are you alright there?”
Youngjae’s laugh is a soft huff. “Don't worry so much, hyung. I'm fine. The hyungs are showering.”
Jaebum rolls his head, catches sight of the stuffed toy again, and caves, reaching for it and pulling it against his chest to breath in its scent. He imagines it smells like Youngjae. “It's my job to worry about you, babe. It's what happens when someone's in love with you.”
Youngjae’s muffled, choked reaction makes it easy to imagine the red flush creeping up his cheeks as he tries to hide it in his pillow. “You're being cheesy, hyung.”
“It's because I miss your beautiful smile so much. I have to do what I can to bring it out.”
Rustling noises static through the speakers, but Jaebum can hear Youngjae’s high, embarrassed whine and pictures him rolling himself up in the blankets. He smiles, pressing his face into the soft fur of the stuffed creature.
The silence lengthens again, and Jaebum keeps the plush tucked under his chin, stroking the fake fur under his fingers and wishing it was a head full of soft black hair instead.
“Can we stay on the phone, hyung? I know it's silly, but… I like hearing you breathing and… it doesn't feel like you're so far away that way.”
Something in Jaebum’s chest clenches, and he grips the toy tighter, realizes for the millionth time how lost he is for the other boy. “Yeah. I want that, too.”
They don't talk anymore after that, and Jaebum listens in silence as Mark and Jinyoung come back, and more banter erupts as towels and clothes get tossed around, but he can hear Youngjae’s breathing through the phone line, and he lets his eyes drift closed as banter turns into soft murmurs and the rustle of people arranging themselves under blankets.
“Goodnight, hyung.”
Youngjae’s voice is a sleepy murmur that settles under Jaebum’s skin, soft and warm, and he takes a deep breath of the toy in his arms. “Goodnight, Jae. Sleep well, okay?”
“I'm sure he will.” Mark’s voice is closer than Jaebum would have expected. “Who wouldn't sleep well with me and Jinyoung cuddling up on either side?”
Once upon a time, Jaebum would have expected to feel jealousy, to be bothered by the fact that others can hold Youngjae when he can't, but it settles something to know that Youngjae’s not alone. That he's protected.
“We'll take care of him, hyung. Worry about yourself.” Jinyoung’s voice is warm, comforting, and Jaebum really can't stop worrying about Youngjae, about all of them, but it helps.
“Take care of each other. All of you.”
“We will. And then we'll go home and take care of you. Except I get to cuddle with you first.” Youngjae’s words are a slurred mumble, clearly already half asleep, and Jaebum tries to keep his laugh quiet to avoid disturbing him.
“Okay. I love you, Jae.”
“I love you too, hyung. I'm gonna go to sleep now.”
Jaebum can hear a muffled giggle on the other end that he's pretty sure belongs to Mark. Youngjae’s breathing is already evening out, and the sound blends with Youngjae’s scent soothingly as he clutches the toy to his chest. With his eyes closed, the distance between them seems almost non-existent, and he drags in slow breaths, pushes the pain in his back and his chest to a far corner of his mind. He can do this. He can make it through this. He’ll get better, they'll come home, and they'll be together again. But in the meantime, he has this. He can do it. They can all do it.
“Go to sleep, baby. I'll be waiting right here.”