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There’s hardly been an inch of space between them since Youngjae burst through the dorm’s front door just ahead of the other members, fresh off the flight from Japan. Half-falling onto where Jaebum waited on the couch, he’d refused to budge from where he curled up with his legs over Jaebum’s lap and his head nestled against his shoulder even as the other boys crowded around for greetings. He didn’t seem to mind being squished in the middle of the impromptu hug pile that commenced - more of a teepee to avoid putting pressure on Jaebum’s spine - and his clinging warmth sunk into Jaebum’s skin, going a long way to fill the empty, aching hole that had been growing in the absence of the younger boy, of all of them. Jaebum kept an arm wrapped tightly around his waist, settling him more securely in his lap, even as he let Jinyoung clutch his head against his middle in a weird half-embrace and wiped the tears he would deny shedding on his sweater, Mark snuggling in beside them on Youngjae’s other side while Yugyeom fussed with his hair, and Jackson yelled commands at everyone to be careful and give him space even as he kept trying to press closer despite Bambam’s retorts that he was going to do the most harm. Feeling Youngjae’s laughter against his chest for the first time in weeks over the clamour of voices and the press of too many hands to keep track of was enough to make everything seem worth it, all the pain, all the distance. Having them all around him and having Youngjae’s warmth against his own was enough, and Jaebum finally felt whole again, felt well again.
But now, with just the two of them alone in their room, Jaebum is intimately aware of both the closeness and the distance. Youngjae barely lets go of his hands and arms long enough for him to change out of his jeans, throwing his own clothes off with so much haste that he almost topples over, popping back through the neck hole of his sleep shirt with his cheeks and ears stained red, and Jaebum realizes how long it’s been since he’s seen Youngjae like this - longer even than this leg of their tour. Chest tight, he can’t help reaching out, catching Youngjae’s cheek with his knuckle, and Youngjae’s mouth parts slightly at the touch, eyes widening in something that’s somewhere between surprise and anticipation. His tongue darts out to wet his lip, and Jaebum’s eyes drop to follow the motion, his heart stuttering.
“Hyung?”
The rasp in Youngjae’s voice tugs low in Jaebum’s stomach, and he startles, pulls back. He’s abruptly aware how long it’s been since they’ve shared this kind of private moment. He doesn’t even remember the last time they traded more than a chaste kiss or a long embrace. He realizes he’s no longer sure what’s allowed between them.
Turning away quickly, he’s not quick enough to miss the flash of confusion and something else he can’t read across Youngjae’s face.
“Are you sure you want to sleep here, Jae?” He keeps his gaze fixed on the mattress and the mess of blankets he meant to straighten but never got around to doing. “I know one of the other rooms are probably more comfortable. And I have to sleep weird lately because of my back, so…” He trails off, aware that he sounds like he’s making excuses, trying to argue a case. He doesn’t know if he actually is or not.
“Are you… I thought you wanted me here, hyung.” The hurt in Youngjae’s tone is palpable, and Jaebum feels it like a hand around his lungs, lets it drag his gaze back to Youngjae’s bewildered expression like a compass. He’s never been able to avoid the other boy for long anyway.
“I do. It’s not that I don’t… I just…” He’s not sure what to say. He hates how useless words always seem to be between them. “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
Youngjae’s forehead is a row of creases, and Jaebum wants to coax his lip from where it’s held between his teeth, chasing his nervousness back into smiles. He hates that he’s the one putting the expression there. Once again, he’s saying all the wrong things, giving all the wrong signals.
The frustration, the irritation at his own inability to communicate is a niggling itch beneath his skin, and he can feel it in the clench of his fingers as he gestures helplessly, fixes his gaze on the ground and tries to find the words for what he means. “With me. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable with me. I don’t want you to think that just because… that the way things are now means that we have to go back to… to the way things were before.”
It’s a pathetic explanation that does nothing to really convey what he’s trying to tell him, that fails to express the fact that it’s okay if Youngjae wants to keep some of the distance that’s grown between them. He’s okay with whatever Youngjae offers, with whatever he wants to give. He just wants him to understand that he doesn’t want to take too much just because of the craving that burns in his own chest.
“Didn’t you hear anything I said on the phone, hyung?” Startled by the sharpness in the question, Jaebum’s eyes dart up. Youngjae’s confusion has shifted to a full-fledged frown, and he tilts his head as he eyes Jaebum in a way that is scarily similar to Jinyoung at his most displeased. Jaebum fights the urge to take a step back. “I said I wanted to come back. I said I wanted to try again.”
His irritation stings, and Jaebum’s throat feels tight as he swallows hard. He doesn’t know how to explain in this moment all of his doubts, all his insecurities, all his convictions that maybe it would be better for Youngjae if he didn’t come back, if he didn’t let himself get tied to Jaebum again, especially when he’s so weak like he is now. Like a taunt, his back sends a twinge of pain along his nerves, and he winces as his eyes skitter from Youngjae’s intense gaze and tries to summarize his fears into a single phrase. “You’re allowed to change your mind.”
“Did you change your mind?”
The question is enough to startle Jaebum’s focus back to Youngjae. “What?”
Yougjae’s face is pale, and he’s holding himself rigidly. Jaebum can see his fingers tremble before he clenches them against his thighs. “You said you wanted me here. Did you… did you change your mind, hyung?”
The wet crack in his voice is a sharp stab in Jaebum’s chest, and he’s moving before he’s thought it through. Closing the distance between them, he cradles Youngjae’s face in his hands, thumbs stroking over his cheeks as a tear escapes, and Youngjae presses into it, gasps wetly, and Jaebum pulls him closer, drops his forehead against Youngjae’s and chokes out his reply in a voice that doesn’t want to work quite right.
“No. Never. I would never change my mind about that, Jae. I love you. I love you so much, and I want you here so much.”
“Then why are you trying to push me away?”
And really, Jaebum doesn’t have an answer - can’t explain the urge to always give Youngjae a way out, to always try to save him from himself. The same urge that drove him to let Youngjae go in the first place.
He darts his eyes between Youngjae’s, catches more tears as they slip down his cheeks. “I don’t know. I just want to make sure you’re happy.”
Youngjae’s loose fist thudding against his chest catches him off guard, makes Jaebum stagger back only to have Youngjae close this distance again, pressing his face into the spot he’d just attacked so Jaebum has to struggle to hear his muffled words.
“Then stop acting like you want me to leave! Stop pushing me away! I’m happy with you, hyung! I’m happy here!” Shoulders shaking, his choked half-sobs sound anything but happy, but his grip on Jaebum’s shirt is tight, refusing even the possibility of space between them. “If you want me to be happy, then why won’t you just keep me with you? Why won’t you just let me stay? Why won’t you -”
His questions cut off with a gasp as Jaebum finds his chin and lifts, claiming his lips with the urgency of his heart pounding in his ears and tearing itself into pieces. Youngjae’s face is wet with tears and god knows what else, but Jaebum only cares about the whimper Youngjae gives before his hands are twisting in Jaebum’s shirt and dragging them closer together, pressing up as Jaebum drinks in the taste and feel of him like he’s starving. In a way he is, Youngjae’s closeness and responsiveness filling a gap, a craving, a need, that had been left empty for what feels like an eternity, and he can’t hold back his own low groan as he runs his tongue along Youngjae’s upper lip and feels him open under the touch with a needy whine, his thighs pressing against Jaebum’s as he pulls himself even closer. Pulsing under his skin, there’s a coil of heat pooling in Jaebum’s belly as Youngjae’s fingers drag along his ribs and sides as he scabbles for a better hold around Jaebum’s waist, and his hips press forward, back arching.
The twinge in his spine sparks along his nerves, spreading through his muscles, and he gasps, chokes on it, and Youngjae springs back, hands raised like he's been burned, like he's pleading guilty. Jaebum’s hands float in the air between them, still cradling the air where Youngjae’s jaw had been.
“I'm sorry, hyung! I didn't mean - I wasn't trying -” He cuts off with a whimper, hands clenching at his sides.
“It's wasn't your fault, Jae.” Jaebum thinks he'd sound more convincing if he wasn't forcing the words out through a clenched jaw, pain twisting his features into a grimace that he's sure isn't doing much to reassure. It really isn't Youngjae’s fault. It’s Jaebum who let himself get carried away, trying to mold himself to the other’s shorter frame.
Youngjae looks unconvinced, face stricken, and Jaebum tries to follow him. Then freezes in place when movement makes it worse and his muscles seize, head dropping as he huffs out a strained breath, waiting for the pain to dull to an ache.
Like a triggered reaction, Youngjae’s hand darts out, flutters in the air, and Jaebum catches it before he can pull back, trapping his wrist and tugging at him. When Youngjae balks, he huffs out another groan, hating that Youngjae’s too-pale cheek, the furrow of his eyebrows is too far away to reach. “Come back here, Jae. It’s okay, I promise.”
Shuffling forward, Youngjae hesitantly narrows the distance between them, but Jaebum pulls him the rest of the way once he can. Wrapping his arms around his waist and slumping against him as subtly as he can manage, Jaebum lets his closeness serve to support some of his weight and relieve some of the pressure on his spine as much as it eases the tension around his lungs. As if sensing his dual agenda, Youngjae straightens, shifting to accommodate for Jaebum’s weight and making himself a more solid pillar underneath him, and Jaebum can feel the corners of his lips pull up in response.
Dropping his head to Youngjae’s shoulder, he hides his helpless smile in the curve of his neck, exhaling slowly as the gesture stretches his spine. The shiver Youngjae gives is barely noticeable, but Jaebum feels it tingle through him, and his smile fades as he nuzzles closer, pressing his mouth to Youngjae’s skin. He can feel Youngjae’s pulse thudding through his veins beneath his parted lips, and the next shiver his exhale incites is more obvious, his lungs catching, and Jaebum can feel the bob of his swallow.
He can't mark Youngjae's throat, especially not now in the middle of promotions, but he moves his lips against his skin in a phantom echo of the action. Youngjae's efforts at supporting him suffer when he shudders bodily, and his gasp is more of a choked whine.
“Hyung, what are you - Your back, though - You shouldn't -” He cuts off with a gasp at the light drag of Jaebum’s teeth over his skin, and his hands find Jaebum’s hips, latching on as he swallows a moan that Jaebum can feel against his mouth.
He can barely feel the ache in his back over the tingling heat in his chest as Youngjae clings to him, trembling, but he knows he's right. He knows that he shouldn't push himself too far, that he needs to be careful if he doesn't want to set himself back, to have to wait even longer before he can join all of the others on stage.
But that knowledge doesn't stop him from trailing his mouth along Youngjae’s neck to the hollow behind his ear, darting his tongue out to taste the heat of his skin. Gasping out a whimper, Youngjae’s neck arches, and Jaebum mouths against the wet patch, presses a kiss into the hollow, and drowns in the sound of the choked ‘hyung’ that escapes.
He lets his lips drag against Youngjae’s cheek as he shift, drinks in the shallow gasps of his breath against his ear, and doesn't stop until their mouths are brushing together. Youngjae’s eyes are closed, lashes trembling against his cheeks, and Jaebum almost wants to pull back, to take in the whole picture. He can imagine it in his mind's eye, can see the dark stain of Youngjae's cheeks over the arch of his throat, the dip in his slack bottom lip as it waits to to be caught and claimed, teased until it's red and swollen.
“You're right.” He should really stop now, create some distance before the he loses himself in the intoxicating rush that is everything Youngjae is and does. Everything that he’s missed so much.
But the flutter of Youngjae's exhale against his mouth is too much to resist. Capturing his waiting lip, he traces it with his tongue before sucking it between his teeth, biting lightly. Youngjae’s fingers dig into Jaebum’s hips hard enough that he thinks he'll be able to see marks, and the thought of it is enough to make him dizzy, to have his heart pounding in his ears as he swallows down Youngjae’s broken moan.
He forces himself to pull away, drops his forehead against Youngjae's as they pant into the scant space between them. “You're right.” He knows he's repeating himself, but his head is still spinning, the taste of Youngjae’s lips and the grip of his fingers making him heady with the combination of their familiarity and the reminder of how long it's been. “I shouldn't. We shouldn't. Not now.” He gives in to the urge to close the distance again, brushing his lips lightly over Youngjae's before lifting his head fully. “Will you stay though, Jae. Here, with me?”
Youngjae's eyes are dazed, lips still parted slightly, and he wets them twice before he manages words. “You couldn't force me to leave, hyung.”
Pulling Youngjae against his chest, Jaebum huffs his laugh into the soft black hair he's been fantasizing about for days and breathes in the other boy's scent. The throb in his back means nothing compared to the tight squeeze of his heart and lungs at finally feeling like he's becoming whole again. “Let's go to bed then, baby. Come on, it's late already.”
He drags Youngjae with him as he drops onto the mattress, closing his eyes as he feels the twist of the sudden motion in the clenched muscles of his back and holding his breath until he manages to lower himself flat against the sheets, letting it out in a long exhale as his spine and muscles relax.
“But you always used to sleep on your side, hyung.”
Perched on the mattress, Youngjae has yet to lie down, and Jaebum winces, wishing he’d done a better job of disguising his discomfort, as he opens his eyes to take in the furrow between his eyebrows and the way he's worrying his lip again as his eyes roam down Jaebum’s prone body.
Stretching out a hand, he waits until Youngjae’s eyes dart back to his. “I'm fine, really. I told you I have to sleep strangely because of my back.”
The look Youngjae gives him is piercing. “But you always said you need to be able to curl up to sleep.” Jaebum has a feeling Youngjae’s beginning to see between the cracks of his explanations for the bags under his eyes these past weeks.
Even with the most reassuring smile he can manage, Jaebum’s pretty sure he falls short of convincing. “I've been learning to sleep without a lot of things lately.”
He doesn't mean much by the words until he sees Youngjae's face go slack. Too late, he realizes how that must have sounded, how it must have come across in light of everything.
“I'm sorry.” Youngjae's voice is tiny as he refuses to meet Jaebum’s gaze, and Jaebum is abruptly tired of all of this miscommunication and guilt. Tired of feeling like every step closer only drives them both further away.
Youngjae’s supporting himself with his hand braced on the bed, and Jaebum grabs his wrist and pulls it out from under him, using the moment of instability to drag him down the rest of the way until he's laying in a mess of limbs and confused squawking on the mattress beside him, face half squashed into Jaebum’s armpit. Admittedly, that part probably could have gone a bit smoother, but at least Youngjae's more or less where he wanted him, and Jaebum pulls his hand against his chest, clinging to it.
“Look, Jae. I told you before, you don't have to be sorry for anything. You didn't do anything wrong. Not before or tonight. You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing.”
“But -” Struggling back up, Youngjae’s face is hovering close enough to Jaebum that it's easy to pull him down, to press his lips to his forehead in a way that's still intimately familiar even with their positions reversed. It’s only a moment before he can feel Youngjae melting, the muscles of his neck relaxing under his hand.
Letting Youngjae pull back, Jaebum holds his gaze. “Stop worrying about me, baby. That's my job.”
Youngjae’s eyes dart between his for a moment, then crinkle as a sudden smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. “But that's what happens when someone’s in love with you, hyung!”
The press of lips to his forehead disarms him as much as hearing his own words quoted back at him, and it takes him a moment to catch up, in which time Youngjae has already dissolved into breathless laughter. Jaebum can't fight the grin that finally breaks through anymore than he can help the tightness in his throat as he manages to hook Youngjae in a headlock and drag him down against his chest, ruffling his hair violently as Youngjae flails and gasps out pleas for mercy.
Giving in to his laughing begging, Jaebum loosens his grip, but keeps an arm around his shoulders as he presses his face into Youngjae’s hair.
“You’re much better than a stuffed toy.”
Youngjae flails again, twisting around to see Jaebum. “What?”
He’s close enough that Jaebum can see all his eyelashes, traces the line of them down to the tiny mole under his eye that Jaebum can readily admit to being slightly obsessed with. There are dark shadows beneath it distracting him now, though, and tiny lines of exhaustion around his eyes revealed by his lack of makeup. Jaebum lifts a hand to stroke through Youngjae’s bangs, smoothing them off his forehead, and he doesn’t miss the slow drag of eyelids as Youngjae blinks up at him.
“I’m just glad you’re here, baby. Now go to sleep, you’re exhausted.”
The way Youngjae’s nose wrinkles makes Jaebum’s heart clench, and he trails his hand down to cup his cheek. “The lights are still on, hyung.”
Jaebum blinks at him, then flicks his gaze to the light and winces as the glare stings. “Oh.”
The warmth of Youngjae’s giggle against his chest seeps into his ribcage. “I’ll get it.”
Jaebum tries to quell his pathetic urge to grab for Youngjae as he rolls away, to drag him back and keep his addictive warmth against him, regardless of the lights, but the rush of cold air against his skin at the loss of Youngjae’s body makes it hard to swallow his grumble.
Youngjae glances over his shoulder at him as he fumbles for the switch, and his grin does funny things to Jaebum’s stomach. “You’re glaring, hyung.”
“You’re far away.” That sounds like the kind of cheesy thing Mark would say, but Jaebum decides he doesn’t really care when he manages to catch the sudden flush of pink across Youngjae’s cheeks before he switches the light off.
Opening his arms for Youngjae as the younger boy stumbles his way back, Jaebum feels a stab of disappointment as Youngjae hesitates, then bypasses his embrace to crawl onto the edge of the bed with space between them.
There’s quiet for a moment, and Jaebum opens his mouth to ask Youngjae to come closer at the same time Youngjae blurts out, “Am I too close, hyung? I don’t want to bother your back.”
“You could come closer.” He tries to keep the hopeful note out of his voice, not wanting to sound too desperate.
The blankets rustle as Youngjae drags them over them, covering Jaebum before laying back down where he started. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
It’s probably not fair to mention the ache in his chest when Youngjae is only trying to be careful of his injury they way they’ve all been told, so he doesn’t. Instead he squeezes his eyes shut and tries to listen to the sound of Youngjae’s breathing, the feel of mattress shifting with his tiny motions.
The silence stretches on, and Jaebum starts running through song lyrics and quizzing himself on part arrangements to pass the time waiting for sleep. He’s gotten through half a dozen songs with Youngjae’s breath as a backdrop, when Youngjae shifts, making him forget the next line. The other boy rolls over, a frenzy of motion, and Jaebum rolls his head to the side to see him struggling with the blanket. Youngjae freezes when he catches his eyes on him.
“You’re not sleeping yet, hyung?”
Jaebum tries to summon a smile. There’s less space between them than there has been in so long, but it still feels like far too much distance. “It takes me a while to fall asleep lately. Why are you still awake? You had a long day today, didn’t you?”
“I just can’t sleep.” In the dimness, Jaebum can’t see his expression well, but he can hear the soft sound of him pulling his lip between his teeth, and he wants to reach out and touch him and ease whatever worry is eating away at his thoughts. Youngjae moves before he can, though, a rustle of blankets and limbs that ends with his arm pressing lightly against Jaebum’s, and his warmth feels like a weight lifting off of Jaebum’s lungs as he drags in a breath.
“Is this okay, hyung?” His voice is hesitant, like he thinks Jaebum is going to tell him no, that he’s going to tell him to move.
“No.” Youngjae startles, and maybe he wasn't actually expecting rejection after all, and Jaebum rushes to finish as he starts to pull away. “You're still too far away.”
Halting, the little whine Youngjae lets out seems unconscious, and it makes Jaebum’s lips twitch upwards. He shifts restlessly. “But hyung, I can't get any closer without -”
Jaebum doesn't let him finish, temporarily disregarding his doctor's instructions to twist and grab Youngjae's arm, dragging him forward until he’s flat on his back again, but this time with Youngjae pulled up against his side, head on Jaebum’s shoulder and arm over his stomach, locked in place with Jaebum’s hand wrapped around his and holding it down despite a series of wordless squawks and flailing gestures.
Youngjae stops struggling once Jaebum has him in place, holding himself tightly like he's afraid any sudden motion will hurt Jaebum, and twisting his head to peer up into Jaebum’s face, eyebrows pulled together and eyes wide. “Hyung! I don't want to hurt you! You know I don't stay still when I sleep!”
Jaebum can't quite reach to kiss him like this, but he brings his free hand up and strokes along Youngjae’s cheek instead, before catching on his bottom lip and letting his thumb rest there. “You always sleep fine when I'm holding you.”
Even without proper lighting, Jaebum catches Youngjae’s flush in the way his breath stutters and his eyelids flicker. His swallow makes his lip move under Jaebum’s thumb, and he gives in to the urge to press harder, delighted when Youngjae parts his lips easily. “If you can't sleep so far away, sleep here.”
“But -” Jaebum slides his thumb further between Youngjae's lips, cutting off his protest.
“I can't sleep with you so far away, either. Please, baby. For me? Stay?”
Youngjae's exhale is slow and shaky, and he doesn't pull his gaze from Jaebum’s eyes. Jaebum pulls his hand back, traces it along his skin and over his cheekbones. Youngjae swallows again, tongue peeking out over his lip again. “Are you sure, hyung? I'm not too close?”
Jaebum wonders how Youngjae can still think he could ever be too close, that Jaebum could ever want him to be further away even after all this time. “You could still be closer, Jae.”
This time Youngjae gives in to his coaxing fingers, lifts his head and does scoot closer until he can press his lips to Jaebum’s, inhaling sharply as Jaebum presses back, darting out his tongue to briefly taste that distracting lower lip. When he pulls back, Jaebum feels a pang of irrational jealousy when Youngjae immediately bites it, hiding it from sight.
Youngjae's cheek is warm under his knuckles. “I missed you, Jae. I don't want you any further away than you want to be.”
Head tilted, Youngjae looks down at him and Jaebum can see his thoughts running even as exhaustion makes his eyelids droop. “So it's up to me how far away I am?”
Trying not to give away the way his heart sinks at the implication, at the way this conversation feels almost too familiar, Jaebum forces a smile, and loosens his hold on Youngjae’s wrist. He wills himself not to think of empty room. “Yeah, it's up to you, baby.”
There's a moment of hesitation, and then Youngjae's limbs are flailing under the covers, and Jaebum braces himself for the return of cold air against his side only to end up with a sudden leg thrown over his hips, and Youngjae’s head on his chest, arm wrapped even more snugly against his waist. For a moment, it's silent, and Jaebum wonders what Youngjae's thinking as he hears Jaebum’s heart thundering in his ear.
“Am I too close?”Youngjae's not looking at him this time, and Jaebum can’t see his face, but he can still hear the embarrassment in his voice, the worry that he's gone too far.
He thinks he's probably glad that Youngjae can't see his expression at the moment anyway. “No.” His voice is still too tight, the breath of heart clenching relief too obvious. “You're just right.”
Youngjae’s sigh is hot through his T-shirt, and his breathless giggle sounds as heady as Jaebum feels. “If you start singing our own song at me, I'm going to drool on you in my sleep.”
Giving in to the rush of emotions suffocating him and pushing into his throat, Jaebum lets the corners of his mouth turn up. “I thought you liked it when I serenaded you.”
It's easy to picture Youngjae’s blush as he nuzzles his face into Jaebum’s chest, and he's done this a hundred times before, but it's been so long since they've been like this that it still manages to leave Jaebum breathless. There's a million people, maybe more, who recognize how precious Youngjae is, fan sites and clubs dedicated to discussing it, but Jaebum doesn't think they'll ever be able to fully understand, barred from seeing him at the moments like this. The moments that are just between them.
“You're being like this on purpose, hyung.”
His hair is soft between Jaebum’s fingers. He grins. “I don't know what you're talking about.”
He can feel Youngjae’s flustered whine deep under his skin, and the laughter bubbles up before he can stop it, earning another whine and grumble even as Youngjae nuzzles closer against his chest.
He drags in deep breaths as he calms down, his chest feeling lighter, more free, than it has in too long, even with Youngjae's weight pressing down on it. Youngjae's breathing is evening out, slow inhales and exhales, and he strokes his fingers along the back of his head, smiling again as Youngjae hums and rubs his cheek against Jaebum’s chest.
“I wouldn't want you anywhere but right here, Jae.”
“I don't want to be anywhere else either.” His voice is little more than a mumble, face still turned into Jaebum’s body.
“Then stay.” Stay for now. Stay for the night. Stay forever. His thoughts are spiraling down to little more than a jumbled mess of relief and desires and the bright warmth that Youngjae is here and with him. Jaebum lets his eyes slide closed, Youngjae’s steady weight on his chest, the possessive circle of his arm and leg, and the even heat of his breaths hypnotising in his focus on them. He can feel the first tendrils of sleep niggling at his mind as he softly plays with Youngjae’s hair.
“Okay.” The word is slurred, interrupted by a yawn. “I don’t want to miss you anymore, hyung.”
There’s a flare of guilt and regret for all the pain that’s led to this point, but Jaebum focuses on the feel of Youngjae in his arms. He swallows. “I don’t want to miss you either.” His voice still sounds thick, choked, but Youngjae doesn’t react, breathes slowly, and Jaebum tries to work past the lump of emotion in his throat.
“I love you, hyung.” The words come out rushed and slurred, almost jumbled, and Jaebum can tell he’s almost asleep, that he’s forcing the words out before it claims him.
His hand pauses, the confession sinking in and settling deep into his chest and he has to swallow again before he can reply. “I love you too, Jae.”
He can feel Youngjae relax against him as he resumes petting his hair, his breath coming in slow even puffs, and he lets his motions still, wrapping his arm around Youngjae instead. Sleep is pulling at him, dragging him down with Youngjae’s weight and warmth against his skin. He lets it. His thoughts are still a tangle of emotions and feelings, a mix of guilt and hesitation and fear of asking too much, of not giving enough, and overwhelmed in it all with an affection for the younger boy that’s so intense is almost scares him. But all of that can wait. He has time. Right now, Youngjae is here, finally close enough, and that's all he really needs.