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The tour is lonely and long. Obviously. Tennis is a solo sport that tugs you around the globe for 11 months of the year. It is a fact that Jannik is accustomed to. He has his team, of course, but the creature comforts of home, the solid dependability of regular timetables and faces, are foreign to him. It’s why he has made the effort tonight to come out, when he’d much rather be relaxing in bed, adjusting to his jet lag, maybe playing a few games of Fifa with Carlos or Jack.
It was Matteo’s suggestion, he swore by the recommendation he had received for a small Italian trattoria not too far from Cincinnati. He wrangled the entire Italian delegation together, and booked it. Jannik was impressed, the restaurant was modest and homey, with only a few tables lined with red checkered tablecloths. The food was delicious, and certainly not in line with their meal plans, but the rapid Italian and boisterous atmosphere relaxed him. With a few days to the competition, they were permitting themselves a single glass of wine each, and they were dispersed around the small venue, many chatting to the owners, others crooning along to Italian songs. Jannik sat back in the corner, he feels a rush of camaraderie for the group.
A shadow passes across him, alerting him to the figure settling in beside him. He is surprised to find Flavio joining him - expecting him to take part in the more boisterous activity. He doesn’t know Flavio that well. It was incidental - Flavio was not at the Davis Cup for Italy, and he was not at the Laver Cup for Team Europe. Their camps and competitions had not aligned, and they had never actually played each other. His presence is not unwelcome however. He likes Flavio just fine, finds him upfront, cheerful and earnest. He offers him a ‘Ciao’, trying not to let his confusion show.
Flavio nods in his direction, but his eyes quickly scan their surroundings. Jannik is wondering whether to ask him a question, or wait for him to leave to find other company, when Flavio turns abruptly to him.
“Jannik, I am going to ask you for some advice, on something personal,” Flavio starts lowly. He says it with confidence, staring directly into Jannik’s eyes, leaning closer, but he lets the sentence hang there for a moment, waiting for Jannik’s confirmation. Jannik is surprised by this. They do not know each other well, surely Flavio had others to ask. He wasn’t great at keeping track of the friendships on tour, but he knew he was quite close to Carlos, for instance. But Jannik knows all too well from first hand experience, that getting time with Carlos could be illusive and difficult, and having serious conversations with him, and his intensity and excitement, even more so. He offers him a short nod.
Flavio settles back into his seat, somewhat relaxed and Jannik’s confirmation.
“It’s about,” he hesitates, if they weren’t speaking in Italian, Jannik would assume he was scrounging for English words. He feels a spike of anxiety on Flavio’s behalf at his hesitation. He speculates for a moment about whether Flavio has fallen victim to a similar incident of cross-contamination.
“It’s about someone on tour. Well- it’s about having a relationship with someone on tour.”
Jannik relaxes slightly, “Oh yeah? It can be difficult, I mean, it didn’t work out with me and Anna, but lots of people-”
“It’s not about a woman.” Flavio cuts across him, swivelling his head to look Jannik directly in the eye.
“Oh,” Jannik says, for lack of a better response.
“I’m gay.” Flavio says flatly, as if there was any room for misinterpretation.
“Oh.” Jannik repeats, dumbly. He feels out of his depth here, it is times like these that he feels the impact of his singularly focused lifestyle. He has had no interactions like this one before. He doesn’t want to sound patronising, but he wants to offer Flavio some words of support, so he says: “Cool.” He cringes internally.
Flavio shrugs again, “I know you will not gossip, so I ask you for advice”
“No, I mean- thank you, I will not gossip, of course,” he is about to say something along the lines of ‘thank you for trusting me’, and ‘I support you,’ but Flavio is staring at him an intensive focus, and he is rapidly adjusting to the perspective he has offered him. He swallows his words. He allows himself a moment to think. Flavio is gay. He is a gay tennis player. He has some kind of romantic situation with another tennis player. Another man. Who is probably also gay, or bi. Jannik takes a minute to compute this information. He feels stupid and sheltered.
“That does make it more complicated,” he muses aloud. He thinks the best way he can support Flavio is probably with action here - treating his problem seriously and with consideration. “You might have to play each other, that could be tough. Have you played each other?”
Flavio winces a little bit “Yes, yes we have played.”
Jannik nods back “And you might have to, you know, deal with the press, or hide,” he speaks slowly, as if he is considering all of the factors involved, he feels a pang of anxiety on Flavio’s behalf, “It does not sound easy, even without this.”
Flavio nods his head in agreement, eyes drifting downwards “It is not easy, no.”
Jannik weighs this up “Have you talked to him about this?”
Flavio ducks his head, and a small blush colours his cheeks “Eh, not really so much talking, if you know what I mean.”
Jannik sputters despite himself. Flavio continues “We have hooked up a few times, we hang out when we can, but you know it isn’t easy to find time, he is very busy. More than me.”
Jannik takes this to mean that the player is probably ranked higher than Flavio. He consciously stops himself from guessing. It is not his business.
“Do you like him a lot? You must?” Jannik asks
“Yes. I do. I don’t know I mean he- Sometimes I don’t even know why. I feel so drawn to him.” Flavio puffs out a short laugh “Anyone would be. He is like the sun, really.”
Jannik nods “Well, you know, I know it is not easy but no relationship is, especially with our lifestyles” he again, feels inexperienced, but he tries, “If it is someone not on tour, then you would always be away, there will always be the risk of the media - if you really like him, then you know, I think you should go for it.”
Flavio’s face splits into a wide grin, and Jannik feels a surge of relief at being able to provide him some support.
“Thank you Jannik, you are wise, number one in the rankings, number one in therapy.”
“I don’t know if I’d say that but I’m always here.” Jannik feels a deep sense of satisfaction settle in his chest, he claps Flavio on the shoulder.
He pushes the conversation to the back of his mind after that night. He reminds himself that it is not his business. He coasts on that satisfied feeling though. He smiles at Flavio when he passes him on the grounds, shoots him a thumbs up, winks at him when he pulls him into a half hug. Flavio in turn, responds with a casual warmth. Nothing seismic changes, but he feels good, and he feels like he has another friend on the tour.
Carlos notices, of course he does. He mentions it as he is shovelling food into his mouth in the player cafeteria “You seem to be getting along with Flavio lately,” he says casually.
Jannik nods, swallowing down a mouthful of water along with his fish, before he replies.
“Yes, yes, he is nice, no? We spoke a little at that Italian dinner.”
“Oh you Italians, next time I will have Spanish dinner, mountains of paella, just for the Spanish. Or maybe for everyone but the Italians - maybe for everyone but you.”
“You cannot cook paella, you will need my help.”
“I fly Mama over, she bring the Spanish fish and everything,” Carlos exclaims, Jannik snorts into his water.
“Yeah, yeah, okay, I am sure she will not mind flying half way across the world to slave over a stove for you.”
“Okay, maybe not, maybe you the cook after all.”
“You wish!”
Carlos grins at as they laugh, but he leans across to lightly touch Jannik’s wrist. “No but really, it is good you and Flavio are friends. He is a good guy. I like him a lot. I like that you and him are friends now too. This is important to me, you know?”
Jannik’s stomach flips at the change in atmosphere, “Yes, this is nice, of course, yes.”
Carlos smiles back at him widely and a warm heat spreads through Jannik.
It all comes to a crashing halt, two days later on the practice courts.
Jannik spots Flavio and Carlos warming up on the court beside his. He raises a hand to wave in between drills as he is sipping from his water, but they do not notice him. Instead, they are perched leaning on opposite sides of the same netpost. Carlos bends gently and bounces on his knee, Flavio is grinning widely, stretching out his hamstring in a wide stance. There is barely an inch of space between them. Carlos reaches up, to glide a hand across Flavio’s shoulders. Flavio brings a hand up to bat at his cheek. They laugh. It is innocent but intimate.
Jannik’s blood stops pumping temporarily. He feels a chill throughout his body, anxiety curling in his stomach. The conversation with Flavio replays rapidly in his head.
He is very busy.
Yes we have played.
He is like the sun.
Flavio came to Jannik instead of Carlos, because he couldn’t go to Carlos with it.
We have hooked up a few times.
Jannik feels suddenly ill.
He tugs off his cap to squish it between his hands. Darren calls out to him once, twice, but his ears are ringing. He feels a bitter taste in his throat. He blinks hard, trying to clear his head.
A new world snaps into focus, and he doesn’t know why it makes him so desperately unhappy.
He feels off for the rest of practise, asking to do some more basic monotonous drills, he hammers balls away with military precision. There is little to entertain the crowd. On the court beside him, Flavio and Carlos have taken to kicking the tennis ball over the net like a football. He feels sick.
Jannik trudges through a heavy mental fog for the rest of the afternoon. He offers short, disappointing answers to media questions, and finds himself spacing out regularly. When Simone tugs him aside to ask him if he is okay he just says “Just tired today, you know how it is.” He gets a sympathetic smile and a clap on his shoulder for his pathetic lie, and promises to go to sleep early tonight.
He is still trying to identify the oppressive feeling in his chest, pushing his bland chicken and rice around his plate half-heartedly when Carlos slaps his tray down opposite him in the cafeteria. Carlos launches straight into a story about something embarrassing Holger had done. Jannik is visibly confused, and Carlos barks a warm laugh at him.
“You are in your own head today, huh?” he asks gently, a fond smile tugs on his lips and he cocks his head to look at Jannik, a slight crease between his thick eyebrows. Jannik lets his eyes slowly rake across Carlos’ face, and it suddenly clicks into focus. His stomach sinks, his chest flutters. He feels bowled over by Carlos’ small expression of concern. He wants to crawl across the table into his lap. He wants to lick at the inside of his mouth and squirm underneath him. He doesn’t know how he didn’t realise it before.
“Earth to Planet Jannik,” Carlos waves at him to grab his attention. He does not know he already has it. All of it. Jannik blinks dumbly at him for a moment.
“Just- yeah, I don’t know. I’m thinking I guess. Lots of stuff you know.” Jannik offers as a pathetic excuse. Carlos hums in acknowledgement. “Maybe we play some video games later, relax you know?”
It is such a small offer, but Jannik feels himself glowing in response. He is about to say yes when he catches Carlos’ eyes waver behind him. Carlos shoots someone a knowing smile, raising his hand into the air in a timid wave before seemingly thinking better of it. He bites the bottom of his lip to dispel a large grin.
Jannik turns to follow his eyeline. He sees Flavio walking in step with Ben across the cafeteria. Flavio shoots a smile and offers a half wave to Carlos. Jannik feels cold all over. He feels like he is intruding.
He snaps up abruptly, gripping his tray with white knuckles. Carlos looks up at him with confusion.
“No thanks. I am sure you have other things to do anyway.” he bites out shortly, he turns away before Carlos can respond. He walks quickly, but he feels like his heart is being dragged along behind him, weighing on him like a ball and chain.
Jannik avoids Carlos for the next few days. It is not too difficult. He eats his meals in private and throws himself wholeheartedly into training. Simone and Darren are only too happy to accommodate his request to avoid Carlos during training, having always been concerned about their unusually close relationship. He offers a lame excuse about preparing for a possible final, and they ask no more questions.
He feels like he is living in a different reality to the one he was in when he arrived in Ohio. So much has shifted. Or maybe nothing has. Maybe now he just sees the world, and himself, for what it is. When he closes his eyes his thoughts are dominated by Carlos, it is wretched and painful and arousing. He feels wrecked, and deflated. He thinks he is learning both love and heartbreak all at once. It makes him thrum.
He makes it a clean 72 hours without seeing Carlos or opening any of his messages before there is a distinct and heavy pounding on his door. He already knows who it will be before the Spanish voice curls around the ‘J’ in his name.
Jannik walks to the door mechanically. He feels numb, like he is staring down an inevitable destiny. He has already hit a point destined to go out and now he must watch it bounce. He does not know how he will explain himself.
Carlos strides past him carelessly, a frustration emanates from him, he walks into Jannik’s suite and slides right into his chair. He crosses his arms.
“Explain,” he demands.
Jannik watches Carlos, lit by dwindling sunlight, the flex in his jaw, the tension in his shoulders, the betrayal in his eyes. He feels pathetic and guilty.
“Explain what?” Jannik chokes out, but he winces the second he hears it.
Carlos scoffs “You are avoiding me,” he speaks slowly “Why? I thought we were over this Jannik.”
Jannik sighs. The years of hot and cold, dancing around friendship and rivalry, they had finally settled into a rhythm that seemed unstrained by the pressures around them. He thought they were over this too. It is Jannik. It is his feelings that have disrupted it.
“We are over this,” Jannik admits, perching on the coffee table close to Carlos.
“I don’t understand, what did I do?” Carlos asks softly, he reaches out to grab Jannik’s hand loosely.
Jannik looks down at the sight of their calloused hands - Carlos’ thumb rubbing soothing circles across Jannik’s angry red welts, almost unconsciously.
Jannik thinks: I am never going to get over you.
“You didn’t do anything,” he replies softly, which is true.
Carlos doesn’t reply, he fixes his gaze on Jannik, and he waits.
Jannik sighs, “Okay I-”
I love you. Jannik can’t say it. He is a coward
“I was giving you some space,” he says instead.
A look of absolute confusion crosses across Carlos’ face “Space? Why?”
Jannik feels a lump in his throat “I know about you and Flavio.” he says, fixing his gaze at the window, “He told me he had…something… with someone on tour, and I figured out it was you.”
Carlos drops Jannik’s hand, and its absence leaves Jannik feeling ungrounded. He feels like he is falling, no-floating, drifting up into the air, untethered and terrified.
He steals a glance back at Carlos, trying to come back to earth. Carlos has buried his face in his hands, Jannik feels a sharp sense of betrayal, he should not have told Carlos this - made him feel vulnerable and exposed.
“I don’t care-” he starts “It just - I don’t know- I didn’t, I felt-” he stumbles over his words. But Carlos throws his head back and Jannik realises he is laughing, wheezing out air, struggling for breath.
“Oh my god- You thought?” Carlos wipes a tear from the corner of his eye. “God, Jannik, you thought Flavio liked me ? God that is so funny.”
Jannik’s head is spinning “It’s not you?”
“Jannik, are you really that oblivious? Flavio is head over heels for Ben.”
Jannik’s jaw falls open. He snaps it shut again. He repeats this motion a few times as he tries to find a response.
“Ben Shelton?”
“Yes! How could you not know? God- that is so funny, oh my god. It’s so obvious. I’m glad he talked to you about it, but seriously, is it not clear?”
“I had no idea.” Jannik says, he feels colour rushing to his face and a burning in his ears, “I just thought- I don’t know.”
Carlos continues laughing in bursts, as if remembering every few moments, “I am glad it is just this.”
Jannik nods “Yeah. Sorry. I was stupid. I guess- I don’t know. I am sorry for assuming about you. It was none of my business anyway.” Jannik pulls the sleeves of his hoodie up over his hands, he pushes his news together. He feels like a child, crouched on this coffee table, embarrassed and inexperienced.
Carlos settles back against the armchair, “Well- you were half right, I guess.”
“What?”
“I am, you know, gay. I guess that is why me and Flavio are such good friends.”
“Oh.”
There is a moment of silence. Jannik is trying rapidly to come up with something to say, not for the first time this competition.
The silence is apparently the wrong answer, because Carlos rises to his feet, taking a few long strides and letting out a frustrated grunt before turning to Jannik. “Oh I see- you have a problem with it huh? I am surprised at you, Jann.”
Jannik rises to his feet, wobbly, “No- no- that is not it, I was just-”
“Just what? Huh?” Carlos takes a step closer to jab a finger at Jannik’s chest. “Why would you avoid me if I was with Flavio huh? Why would you do that if you didn’t think it was weird?”
“No- No-” Jannik rapidly shakes his head, he grasps out for Carlos but he lowers his hands, thinking better than to agitate him further. “I was jealous, okay? I like you, I realised I like you. No- more, I realised I love you.” The feelings are pouring out of Jannik. “I love you, and I was upset. Okay?”
There is a moment of great stillness stretching out across the room. Jannik realises what he has said, his breathing sharp and quick. Fear and horror and shame pool in his gut.
“Do you mean that?” Carlos asks softly, as if not to break the spell of silence cast around the room “Really?”
Jannik nods. There is no point lying at this point. “Yes. I do. I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” Carlos asks.
Before Jannik can try to pull out an explanation, Carlos lunges towards him. Suddenly his senses are full of Carlos, his hands are grabbing at him, his tongue is probing his mouth. He feels literally weak at the knees and leans his weight against Carlos, who tucks an arm around his waist to steady him. When they break apart, Carlos stays close, speaking almost against Jannik’s lips, “God you really are oblivious - Jan, please, I am obsessed with you.”
Jannik splits into a smile, he feels like his is floating away again, like his chest is soaring into the air, like he and Carlos, wrapped around each other like this, combine to create a rocket. “Good. I’m obsessed with you too. I guess it makes me stupid, huh?”
Later, tangled in Jannik’s bed, sweat lathered across their skin, Carlos laughs again.
“You know, me and Flavio, we became friends because we were both in love with someone on the tour, Jan. Just not each other.”
Jannik flushes in embarrassment, but his chest doesn’t feel tight anymore. He doesn’t feel foggy. Tomorrow, they will have to deal with all the things he had discussed with Flavio. He knows it will not be easy. Many things aren’t easy. Tennis isn’t easy. Making the perfect caponata isn’t easy. Being number one isn’t easy. Being in love with Carlos though - that is surprisingly easy.