Work Text:
Jolting awake, Rumi held her breath, feeling if she moved even a millimetre her heart would burst out of her chest. The pain was agonising as she struggled to swallow her cries. She didn't want to wake her sleeping companion. She slowly exhaled through gritted teeth, face contorting as she fought for control over her onslaught of emotion.
Closing her eyes she could practically hear Mira's instruction in her head.
Focus on one sense at a time, Rumi.
Her lip between her teeth as she tuned out everything and only focused on the tip of her fingers. She flexed, feeling the soft bedsheets beneath them. The fabric flexed against her skin. Silk sheets. Usually she'd welcome the smoothness, especially as it was good for preventing hair damage, but right now, she needed texture, she needed something to anchor her.
Turning her wrist, she touched whoever was cuddled into her arm. Ignoring that for a moment, Rumi focused on the feeling beneath her fingers. A fabric with textured lines running across it with stitching interrupting them felt familiar and comforting.
She relaxed a little as she remembered the exact oversized hoodie she bought for Zoey. They were out in the town, in their disguises, window shopping when Zoey dragged them into the store, her eyes beaming at the cute shirt with turtles on it. Mira rolled her eyes as she blushed. Zoey always managed to get under her skin with her excited enthusiasm.
“Ok, ok. I'll buy it for you.”
Zoey beamed at that, her arms flying around Mira as she silently squealed a thank you over and over again.
Rumi stood at the side, smiling at the two as longing settled in her heart. She wanted to be that close, be open and vulnerable with them. Before she could go down that path, she shook her head and looked around to find a piece of clothing she could buy for Zoey. She paused, eyed the duo again. Also for Mira.
She settled on a green textured hoody with the back being darker green. It reminded her of a turtle, especially with hexagon sewed patterns that covered the back of it.
“Zoey, would you wear this?”
Zoey turned to face Rumi as the question reached her. She examined the hoody, seeing exactly why Rumi would pick it and nodded with eagerness.
“That looks-” she turned to Mira, smirking, “-sick.”
Rumi smiled as she looked around some more, seeing some slacks that seemed like a perfect fit for Mira. She took them off the hanger and placed them in front of the dancer.
“You want these? You'd look very handsome in these.”
Mira’s breath caught for a moment, the compliment making her knees weak. She blinked before she nodded a soft blush spreading across her cheeks.
Taking a deep breath, Rumi was brought back into the present as a mix of mint and sweat hit her. She tensed her biceps, the weight on her arm making it impossible for her to move with ease. Turning her head ever so slightly, she looked down at her sleeping companion.
Dark hair was in a loose braid, her face squished against Rumi’s chest as she took slow deep breaths, snoring lightly. Rumi just watched the girl breathe at a calm soothing pace.
It did help her regulate. She adjusted her body, turning towards Zoey and wrapping her arms around her, hoping the contact would further sooth her.
Their performance was great, the crown singing with her until the lights cut out. Her heart raced as Takedown started playing.
Rumi found herself sitting upright, her eyes wide as she trembled. She wasn't sure how long she managed to sleep since the last time she woke up. She looked to her side, worried she'd woken up anyone but as no shuffling or questions were heard she sighed in relief.
At least she hadn't disturbed them. She shuffled out of the bed carefully and made her way to the bathroom.
She sat on the toilet, her eyes burning from lack of sleep.
She was exhausted.
You're not good enough.
You're just here on borrowed time.
No one would care.
Things would be better without you.
Every voice echoing in her head she felt the fight leave her. Like a candle flame fizzling out, she felt something inside her chest break, the pain spreading around her torso like heat burning from the inside. Tears fell as she struggled to keep her mind from getting lost in the suffocating vortex of anxiety and depression.
“I'm so tired.”
She leaned against the cold tiled wall. A burst of anger mixed with desperate need for everything to just stop, she pulled back and smashed her head against the hard surface.
“Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up...”
Each phrase followed a thud that was her head connecting to the wall. A cracking sound made her pause. She stayed in her position, her head against the now warm tile, her mind and body feeling numb.
“I could just tell them.” A whisper that made it past her lips was drowned by the voices in her head.
Don't be a nuisance.
They can't know.
Fears and flaws must never be shown.
Hide!
Rumi felt so drained, her sense of time completely gone at this point. She raised her hands in front of her, stretching her fingers, flexing them.
“I'm so tired.”
A realization hit her.
She didn't need to be here. She didn't have to keep doing this. Her mind felt hollow and at this point her body moved on its own.
Standing up she moved with purpose, one goal in mind.
Something sharp, sharp, sharp, sharp…
She pulled out the first aid, opening the clasps before frantically searching through the contents, looking for the scalpels.
There, perfect.
Undoing the seal, she took the sharp blade and pressed against her skin. The pain was so worth it. As the blood started to flow, her mind shushed. The emotional pain replaced by a much more manageable physical one, she closed her eyes as she sat down in the middle of the bathroom, switching hands and repeating the cathartic movement on her other forearm.
Her mind was silent at last and the exhaustion took over, her body giving out as she fell back onto the cold floor, hair sprawled around her.
Zoey grimaced as she felt ticklish whiskers brush against her nose. She cracked open one of her eyes to be greeted with a blue glow and a wet tongue on her cheek. She groaned as she moved her arm to push the tiger away.
“Not now, boy, I’m napping.” She moved to turn and wanted to cuddle up to her supposed nap buddy but the space next to her was empty.
Zoey’s eyes shot open, her system fully awake now that she realized why the tiger and the crow most likely woke her up. She turned to them as she sat up, tigers pupils dilated, his expression almost looking worried.
“Thanks buddy. On it.” She patted his head as she pushed off her bed, following the tiger as he led her towards wherever Rumi must have been. The tiger stopped in front of Rumi’s room, his tail swishing in frustration as he pawed at the door, dragging it slowly down the wood, his claws leaving light scratches behind.
He’s been sitting in front of the room since Rumi told him to wait but the shift he felt in the honmoon made his hair stand on end so he went and found one of the other two, Zoey just happened to be closer.
She petted him, her hand finding comfort in his soft fur as she tried to mentally prepare herself as to what she might find behind these doors. Pressing her palms against the door she reached for the handle, not trying it yet, trusting in Rumi. She took a breath, her heart pounding.
“Rumi?” She waited.
She could hear her own heartbeat in her ears as she focused on any sound or movement from the inside. The silence left a sour taste in her mouth as she swallowed the acid that tried to creep up her esophagus. It wasn’t a new thing, Rumi retreating, hiding her pain, her insecurities from Zoey and Mira. But after last time, Zoey had hoped Rumi knew that no matter what, she could come to them.
It did sting a bit, Zoey couldn’t lie about that, but she did understand. Depression and anxiety had a tendency to twist your perception of reality.
Old habits are hard to break, huh, Rumi.
She shook her head, trying not to overthink and focus on the task at hand. She had to make sure Rumi was ok.
“Rumi?” A pause followed by a sigh, Zoey turned to tiger. Maybe mentioning the worried adorable spirit would make Rumi answer.
“Rumi, tiger came to get me. If you don't answer I-I'm going to have to break the lock.” Another pause followed by another sigh as she leaned her head against the door.
She didn’t want to walk in if Rumi just needed some alone time. Her hands trembled as fear settled in her gut, twisting her stomach.
After last time, they discussed this in detail and Zoey and Mira both told Rumi, that if she doesn’t give them any kind of indication, they’ll worry and that worry would lead to them needing to get in her personal bubble to make sure she’s ok. Biting the inside of her cheek, Zoey summoned her sinkal, watching as the blue shimmer cut through the lock like butter before she let it dissipate.
“Rumi, I’m coming in.” One last verbal warning before she pushed the door, with Derpy already pushing against her back eager to get in.
“Buddy, you could have literally walked through the door, now you’re pushing me?” She half laughed at the tigers' antics.
Once the door was open, Zoey looked around the room.
Empty. Rumi…
She made her way in, passing the bed, noticing the messiness. She’ll mention it to Mira later and make sure they help her clean up. She moved towards the attached bathroom, the entry door ajar. A step forward finally gave her view of Rumi.
There you are.
Rumi was slouched over the sink, her back rising in even breaths - calm. Noting that, Zoey felt relieved partially. She slowly made her way over to Rumi.
“Hey, Rumi. Derpy and Sussy were worried for you.” She reached out and placed her palm on Rumi’s back, needing physical contact with the other.
“You weren't there when I woke up and you didn't respond when I called. I'm also worried.”
She stood behind Rumi, her hand making slow, gentle, comforting circles on Rumi’s lower back as she waited for the latter to be ready and face her. She wasn't going to push Rumi and if Rumi needed time, Zoey could wait forever for her.
Rumi’s world was collapsing on her, her body feeling like it wasn’t her own and she needed to get out.
Something had to give. The pressure that has been building inside of her and has been suffocating her was coming to a critical level and Rumi was sure she could burst at any moment. The pain of never belonging, never being enough, never being loved.
Why was she always alone?
She looked to her side, Zoey nestled into her shoulder.
Why was she feeling alone when she had Zoey? When she had Mira?
She detangled herself from Zoey, careful not to wake the other. She loved Zoey. She smiled down at her, a moment's rest from her inner turmoil, before the overwhelming loneliness took over and she had to leave the room.
Her heart pounding and her voices getting louder and louder as she made her way towards her room. Depry followed her, his eyes wide. Pushing against his head, Rumi shook her head.
“Wait here, I just need a moment.”
She closed the door, Derpy sitting there, his head tilting.
Sussy pecked at the tiger, squawking at him and stretching his wings. Derpy just slowly blinked before starting his slow descent into the portal.
Rumi locked the door, resting against it for a moment before she rushed to the bathroom. She didn't turn on the lights as she didn't want to see her own reflection, aware of just how much it would affect her already broken mental state for the worse.
She found the elastic bands in a cabinet and put one on her wrist and started to stretch and release. She really didn't want a repeat of the last time.
The stinging on her wrists helped. Physical pain was easier to manage and easier to process so she focused on it almost as if meditating.
Pinch. Pull. Release. Pinch. Pull. Release.
She felt calmer. The world stopped crumbling and she could see. The heaviness lightened as she took a breath and leaned her head against the cool ceramic.
She felt a familiar warmth against her back, soothing movements of a hand.
She looked up, and saw the blue glow from the tiger illuminate Zoey, her eyes worried yet she just stood behind her, waiting for Rumi.
“Sorry.”
Zoey shook her head, smiling.
“No need to apologize.” She pressed with her hand, urging Rumi to face her.
Rumi obliged, she lifted her head off the sink and turned around to face Zoey. Her cheeks reddened and she was glad for the lack of light to hide her embarrassment.
“Is it ok if I turn on the light?” Zoey needed to see, to make sure Rumi was indeed fine as her mind had already brought up one of the worst memories she's ever had to live through.
“RUMI!” Zoey felt her vocal cords sting as she slid across the floor towards Rumi. She lifted Rumi’s head trying to see where the pool of blood the singer was surrounded with came from. There was so much blood.
“MIRA!”
Mira wasn't there.
Mira wasn't there.
Zoey felt panic creep up her neck, her arms frozen as her brain tried to protect her from the horrific image before her and help Rumi that was the horrific image before her.
Phone.
She reached for her pocket, smearing blood on the screen, opening the damn camera in the process.
Not fucking now!
The screen stopped responding to her input.
Fuck.
“Call Mira!”
She heard the dial from somewhere. It must have been Rumi’s phone.
“What's up, Rumi?” Came from the other side as the call connected, Mira's low voice grounding Zoey. She could think now. She could act.
Moving to inspect Rumi further she found the source of all the blood. Her lips went pale as the reality set in.
“Mira. It-it's Rumi. She, she-” pausing Zoey took a shuddering breath, there was no easy way to get the next words out but the sooner she does it, the sooner she can just focus on what needs to be done, “-she’s in her bathroom, unconscious. She is breathing but her pulse is weak and she lost a lot of blood. She has wounds on both of her forearms.” She didn't recognise her own voice, the stoic tone felt unfamiliar.
“Zoey, what the fuck? What's happening?”
“Mira, please. I need you here!” Zoey choked on a sob as she pulled a belt off of the counter, wrapping it around Rumi’s upper arm, tightening as much as she could.
She proceeded to repeat herself.
“Rumi is unconscious in her bathroom. From what I see, she has lost a lot of blood, I am stopping the bleeding as we speak.” Zoey watched herself move from above herself. Pulling Rumi’s other arm up in the air she located her artery and pressed to stop the bloodflow.
“Ok, I'm pressing the point above her elbow, to stop the bleeding. How long?” She could hear Mira on the phone talking but her brain couldn't process the words. Her temples were aching and the base of her skull felt like it was on fire.
“10 minutes for the doctor. I'm on my way up. I'll be there in less than 5. I'll stay on the line, ok? Remember about 5 years ago…”
The light turned on and they both blinked at the sudden illumination. Zoey opened her eyes scanning the floor and then Rumi, her worry slowly easing as she saw no trace of blood.
“Good.” She didn't mean to audibly let that out.
Rumi looked at the floor, her eyes watering.
She made Zoey worry. Again.
“I'm sorry.”
Rumi recoiled into herself. Her shoulders slumped as she hugged herself.
“I'm sorry for making you worry. I-I…”
Rumi felt warm. It took her a moment to realize Zoey was holding her.
“You don't have to apologise.” Pulling back, Zoey kissed Rumi’s cheek. She traced her hands down Rumi’s arms, bringing her wrists up to inspect them.
The wounds were healing nicely, only faint pink still remained. She noticed the elastic bands and she smiled.
“You took my advice. I'm so proud.” She leaned down and kissed her wrists.
Rumi blushed. The affection was still so foreign to her she didn't know how to react.
“I'm glad you're not physically hurt, Rumi. But I do want you to know you can wake me up if you feel like this.” Zoey cupped her cheek, hoping her care and love was being properly conveyed. “If I can, I'll help you, be it listening or having some cuddle time, whatever you need.” She picked Rumi up in her arms and Rumi instinctively wrapped her arms around Zoey's neck while her legs wrapped around her waist. Rumi rested her chin on Zoey's shoulder, pouting as she let herself be carried.
Zoey smiled, kissing the side of Rumi's head as she turned to exit the bathroom and head for her bed. “I'm serious. And Mira too. I know she's not here right now but she’d…”
Zoey paused as she cleared the doorway and saw Mira sitting on Rumi’s bed.
“Mira!”
Mira was doing reps in the gym when the honmoon vibrated. She paused, a shiver running up her spine as the dreadful familiarity of the barriers strained hum enveloped her. Her hand pulled one earphone out of her ears just to make sure what she heard was right. The erratic pulsations of honmoon was all she had to hear before she knew she had to get back to the apartment.
She left her things, the earphone left forgotten on the floor once it fell out of her hand as she sprinted towards the stairs. She knew she'd be faster on them than the elevator.
Scaling three at a time she fell into a steady pace and she climbed the floors in no time. She burst through the door, entered the apartment and saw Derpy sitting diligently just outside Rumi’s room, staring in through the open door. She curiously peered in to see Zoey partly through the bathroom door talking to Rumi.
They're both ok.
Unaware of just how much adrenaline her body pumped into her system, the relief of knowing both Rumi and Zoey were fine, made her almost lose her balance. She sat on the bed, waiting for the duo to join her.
Rumi felt embarrassed. Her cheeks reddened as she battled the urge to just bury her face into Zoey’s neck, hiding.
I don't need to hide anymore.
She remained as she was, holding onto Zoey. She moved her head slightly just so she could see Mira in her peripheral vision. Zoey’s voice echoing in her mind.
Whatever I need, huh?
She wanted to test that. And right now, she wanted a hug from both of them. She wanted to feel loved and secure.
Zoey went to let Rumi down but she just tensed, not ready to lose her anchor yet.
“No!”
Zoey paused, tensing for a brief moment before she relaxed again. She pressed Rumi closer to her, reassuring her she's not going anywhere, and that no, she is not letting go until Runi was ready.
Mira watched them, her eyes soft and relaxed, her adoring smile radiating love. Zoey smiled at Mira and in silence they had an entire conversation, no need for words just a knowing smile, light tilt of their head and an arched brow. Silence was broken when Rumi spoke.
“I-I’m s… no. Thank you, Zoey. Did you mean that? What you said before? That I can ask for anything?”
Zoey let out a laugh, partly because, yes of course she was serious, they would do anything for Rumi but mostly because the request was so genuine and raw. Rumi was letting all her walls down, her heart was in the open and Zoey loved this. She wanted all of Rumi and finally, after all these years, Rumi was letting them in.
“Of course, Ru. Anything.” She looked at Mira who was already nodding in agreement, humming affirmative.
“You can ask for anything, Rumi. Even if you think it is silly. If it helps and makes you happy…” Mira trailed off, her heart beating loudly in her ears as the love she felt for them both flushed through her system.
Rumi bit her lip.
Why is this so hard?
She rubbed her wrist, the elastic still there helping her feel grounded. She pulled it lightly and let it snap against her skin.
Hearing the sound, Mira motioned for Zoey to turn around. Standing up, Mira reached out, placing her hand over Rumi’s, her eyes soft and loving.
“Use your words Rumi.” Her voice gentle, just above whisper, as she nodded in encouragement.
“I-I want a R-Rumi gimbap.”
Mira blinked, confusion clear on her face as she tried to figure out what exactly Rumi wanted. Arching her brow she tilted her head, her hair falling over her shoulder.
“You want a cuddle pile?” Mira needed some clarification as that was the first time she heard someone use this phrase.
Rumi nodded against Zoey and with that Zoey let out a snorting laugh she's been trying to hold in.
“You're such a dork, Rumi.”
Zoey let Mira maneuver her towards the bed, Rumi still attached to her like a koala. Settling on the bed, she shook her head, her chest swoll with love.
“Our Rumi just wants some love.” She kissed Rumi’s shoulder before she rested her chin on it. “Mira, get in here.”
Mira shook her head at the adorable display in front of her.
How are they so cute?
She scooped Rumi and Zoey up into her arms, her legs stretched out around them. Rumi tucked her head under Mira's chin, enjoying the warmth she was surrounded with.
It was new, this warmth, the way she felt when she was nestled between Zoey and Mira. Humming in content, Rumi finally felt herself relax, the dreadful pit in her stomach fading away.
“Feels like home.”
Zoey and Mira stilled for a moment and Rumi thought she said the wrong thing.
They felt Rumi stiffen in their arms.
They hugged her tighter and Zoey groaned against her neck.
“How are you this adorable, Rumi?” She kissed the side of Rumi’s neck before settling into the comfort that were Huntrix cuddle piles.