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Everything felt like a mistake now.
A horrible mistake she couldn't make up for.
She was so sure of all her choices. So sure she was happy.
But now everything felt like a lie.
Momo sat at the edge of her bed, staring at her wedding ring. Something she once saw as precious now burned the spot of her palm where it sat. The pleasant memories it brought up now leaving a bitter burn in her throat. Made her stomach churn.
Everyone clapped and cheered. Everyone was so happy for her. The wedding was beautiful. Perfect even. But now all she could see was him. No one smiled more. No one clapped harder. She was supposed to be his best friend. His first friend. How could she have been so blind?
The ring blurred in her vision as tears burned at her eyes.
Behind her, her husband slept. His breathing filled the room, a sound that just became static and distant. He laid there sleeping peacefully in their wedding bed that now felt like a tomb. Whatever warmth it once carried like needles of ice on her skin.
She didn't want to hurt them. She loved them both. One more than the other, she bitterly reminded herself. So she thought it'd be best if she chose neither. She decided on a guy she met in college who was nice enough. She ignored how she loved that he wore glasses. Ignored how he was an engineer student just like him.
Momo was happy. So when a bizzare emptiness settled in, she figured maybe she wanted to start a family. They've been trying, but were having trouble. Now she's thanking every God and spirit on earth that it never ended up happening.
She had come to her grandmother, asking for advice. Even blessings for a child. Her grandmother just looked at her. The same look she gave her when she turned down both boys. Brought home a boy that wasn't her nerd. A look she gave her the whole wedding.
Like she refused to approve of a mistake.
Momo had brushed it off as her Gran having a strong fondness for him. Even after turning them down he still came around. Jiji did too, but he always found an excuse to leave for a while there. Not him though. He stayed. Always stayed. Always smiled. Always greeted her with the same warmth he always did.
She was stupid. She was really really stupid.
Momo bit back a sob, already failing at trying to will away tears. She always did this. Always got into her own head about everything. Always acted on emotion before rational thought could take root. This had to be the worst.
Years. Literal YEARS of letting her emotions lead her life choices. Literal years of not once noticing what it really was.
Fear.
She had been afraid. Afraid of her feelings. Afraid of him. He was literally everything she wanted while being nothing like it and everything she didn't know she wanted. She remembers him making beautiful, poetic comparisons. Calling her the sun. Light. Color.
She was none of those.
Momo Ayase was a nothing.
A speck of dust among far brighter, far more stunning celestial bodies. Meanwhile he was everything. A whole solar system. Constant. Steady. A beautiful spiral of light and life that promises homes and warmth.
Yet like a fool, she denied it.
Momo pushed against his pull. Refused to be pulled into his orbit. She was too afraid of being burned up on her way in like she had so many times before.
She failed to notice how the flames that consumed her as she ripped through his orbit was so much warmer. So much kinder. All she saw were flames. So all she felt was fear.
Momo continued to sit on the edge of her bed, he body shaking with silent sobs she fought. Clawing them back down her throat, burying them deep in her chest where they can fester. Like a penance. Like swallowing glass so she may bleed. So she could even feel a small amount of the pain she knows she caused him.
It was their usual meet up. The day had went beautifully. As usual, he made the day perfect. Took her to her favorite place. Sat at her favorite park. Walked along her favorite shopping arcade. "Man, Okarun. I really have no idea why you're still single. You need a to treat a lady of your own like this! You could sweep anyone off their feet with dates like these!"
Even then his silence was heavy. Even then she knew she regretted her words.
He had stopped short. His expression fallen for a moment before forcing it back into a smile for her. "Y-yeah. I guess so, huh?"
Momo had known him. She knew he was lying. Despite fear. Despite the little voice in her head telling her she already knew the answer, she asked.
"Then, why are you still single? You really are great, Ken. I love my best friend but you're starting to make me feel selfish."
She meant it as a joke. She was trying desperately to lighten the atmosphere. She wanted to hear how her thoughts she had been burying deep for the past several years were wrong. Were lies.
His smile became pained. Broken.
"Why would I want anyone else, when who I'll ever want to be with is you?"
A single sob finally escaped. Momo buried her face into the palm that didn't hold that now wretched ring, trying desperately to muffle her sobs.
Outside her small city apartment, the rain fell. Beating fat and heavy against the windows and the now empty street outside the building where she lives.
Where she tried to make a home.
Tried to make a life.
When she already had all of that far away from here.
When her husband wakes up that morning. It'll be to an empty bedside, a ring, and a note placed beside it.
I'm sorry
The only truthful words she's said to him. The first time she finally was honest with herself.
The trains had long stopped running, but she didn't care. She trudged through the deluge. She walked the whole way back to her temple home. The screaming in her legs be damned. How the fridgid rain felt like needles on her skin be damned.
Penance. More penance for her cruelty.
A penance that left her whole body burning and numb by the time she reached the front door of her childhood home.
"Wait. You're moving in with gran? Why?" Ken just rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged. "You know my dad barely makes enough to take care of the both of us. And my income and his together can barely pay for college, let alone an apartment. Seiko says I can live here for free and earn some extra cash by helping her out! How could I say no?"
Momo should have known better. Her grandmother never just did things. She wanted to make sure Ken was where he belonged. Where she belonged. Where her grandmother had likely prayed Momo would come back to once she came back to her senses.
Another sob escaped her as she rung the home's doorbell near endlessly. She needed to see him. To make up for everything. To apologize and beg and whatever else she needed to do to make up for her stupidity.
By the time the door finally opened, Momo was shivering so hard she was afraid she'd bite clear through her tongue with how hard her teeth were chattering.
"Momo?!"
Ken stood in the doorway, stunned. He quickly tossed the bat he had grabbed aside, Momo making a note that he really had been spending too much time with her Gran, before he pulled her in.
As Ken shut and locked up the door behind them, Momo took in her childhood home. Just as she left it. Just as she left him. Warm. Welcoming. Unjustly hers.
Momo felt fabric drape across her shoulders, and then a pair of hands, hands that were stronger than she remembers, turn her around. Ken had, of course, tore his own pajama top off to put around Momo. His face was a look of confusion and worry.
"Momo what's gotten into you? Do you have any idea what time it is? And in the rain? How did you even get here?! The trains don't run again for several hours!"
Momo blinked, red puffy eyes staring into Ken's. Still so brown. Still so beautiful. She had seen him earlier that day so why does it feel like it's been ages since she's seen him?
"…I walked."
It was the truth, but an answer that only added to his distress.
"You walked?! Momo! It's pouring out! And that's way too far out! A-and you're in your night gown and barefoot!"
Momo blinked again before looking down at herself. She had once again let emotion lead her, and it demanded that she leaves then and there. Leaving then and there apparently meant without changing, putting on shoes, or even grabbing her phone she now realizes.
"Momo what possessed you to do this?"
Ken's concern was so raw. So genuine. His eyes carried the same painful weight she saw earlier that day. The same eyes that betrayed his false smile.
Her pain was his own. Because of course it was. Because he's been nothing but perfect and she's been nothing but blind.
A broken sob was Ken's answer. All the raw emotion she held back in her bedroom now flowed free in the entryway of her temple home. Ken gently, so gently so wonderfully, cupped her face, caressing her cheeks with his thumbs. "Momo talk to me. What happened? Did he hurt you? Because I swear if he did I-" whatever promise of retribution died on his tongue as Momo shoved herself against his chest, wailing even louder as she clung to him desperately.
He went silent now, holding her as she fell apart. Without another word he gently scooped her up into his arms, and wordlessly carried her to the bathroom. Once in, Ken set her down, running his fingers through her damp hair. "You get cleaned up, okay? You'll get sick otherwise." His voice was tender. Warm. It made Momo want to curl up in him instead of any hot bath. When he tried to get up to leave, Momo grabbed his wrist, stopping him.
"Please…"
That's all she needed to say.
Ken said nothing. Just accept her request silently. Momo felt warmth and feeling return to her body with each touch of his against her skin. The way his knuckles dragged across her skin as he peeled away her soaked nightgown. The way his fingers gingerly started the removal of her underwear, before being the Okarun she remembers, the Okarun she loves, and quietly and bashfully muttering if she could finish.
"I-if you need me to I will b-but I don't want to assume."
Momo was fine with pulling it off the rest of the way.
After that things were back to a comfortable silence. Ken gently washing her clean as she sat on the bath stool. His fingers worked through her hair, scrubbed her back and even her arms. He, of course, handed her the soapy wash cloth when it came to her front side. She could do that too. It was him who took the shower head and gently rinsed her off.
"Do you think you can get the bath by yourself?" No ire. No irritation in the tone of his voice despite waking him up in the dead of night and all but verbally demanding he bathe her. With a soft sniffle, Momo nodded. "Alright. I'll be back, okay? Just want to get you a change of clothes."
Ken rushed off, leaving Momo alone with her thoughts and her emotions. Soaking in them as deeply as the hot water she slipped into. Distantly, she heard the sounds of Ken shuffling about the old home. Sounds she didn't realize she missed so badly. The smell. The feel. The sights. Even the feel of the tub and hot water felt like home. Like she was truly who she was again.
Ken was back soon enough, carrying a change of clothes for Momo, while clearly getting a fresh set of clothing on himself as well. "I'm gonna leave them by the entrance, okay? Call me if you need anything."
He didn't even get a chance to turn before he was taken up on that offer.
"Ken?"
He stopped, looking too Momo with a tilt of his head. She beckoned him closer, her eyes begging for his closeness. Again, Ken silently complied, kneeling by the tub and taking her beckoning hand. "Yes?"
Her emotions lead her. Her heart had always been on her sleeve. It was a trait that both saved her and damned her many times, and all she could do was hope that this time, it could fix something.
Between everything that had happened, Ken didn't know what to expect. Yet despite every single possible thing he could think of Momo wanting from him, all of which he'd give with no hesitation no question, he had always been hers afterall; pulling his face in close for a kiss was far away from this plain of reality.
After several long seconds, she pulled away, leaving Ken staring at her, shell shocked.
"M-Momo….?"
"….You're all I want, too."
The divorce was messy. Of course it was. She didn't blame him though. Momo knew she was at fault, despite Ken trying to blame himself.
Yet, she was happy, because for the first time in her life she was making a choice she didn't regret. Her emotions still took control of course. Like dragging Ken off to get eloped the moment the divorce was finalized. All his stuttering and insisting that she at least let him get her a ring first just spurred her impulsive decision on.
Momo Ayase NEVER wanted to be as stupid as to lose her Ken Takakura again. Almost slipping through her fingers once was enough for a lifetime.
Momo found herself sitting at the edge of her bed again, up late in the night as her husband laid asleep behind her. Well, at least she thought he was. Ken was always so attentive to her though, and likely stirred awake the moment she sat up. "Momo? Everything okay?" His hand gently rubbed on her back, sleepy eyes looking up at her with worry.
Outside the rain fell, fat and heavy against the roof of her old temple home. In another room her grandmother slept soundly, and in her core, a life grew. "Yeah, just needed to sit up for a bit. I swear the bigger this kid gets the harder it is for me to stay asleep." Ken smiled softly, pulling himself up to hug his wife from behind.
His wife. His.
"I'm sorry, love."
Momo chuckled, leaning back against his chest. "Don't be." She turned her head enough to kiss her Ken deeply. When she pulled away, it was with a smile and misty eyes, taking in the beautiful doe eyed glow of joy in her husband's eyes.
Her husband. Her's
"There's nothing else I'd want."