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They were talking about Spring Break Quests when Antiope put down her soda and said, “Is there a single faculty member that isn’t related to Fig Faeth?” Everyone at their table—and it was a pretty packed table, what with the whole party and their boyfriends and various stragglers—turned to look at where Fig was standing with her arm in the recycling bin up to her elbow. Gilear was next to her looking worried and embarrassed and a little more damp than usual. When she saw everyone looking, Fig grinned and waved with her other hand.
Sam rolled her eyes. “Is there a single faculty member that isn’t related to you?”
“My sister and who else?” Antiope shot back.
And because they were already careening towards a fight, Yelle put her hands out in front of her and interrupted: “Zelda can tell us how many faculty members Fig is related to.”
Zelda turned bright red the second she was addressed. “Um, two? I don’t know, Gorgug and me… we mostly hang out by ourselves. Or, not like that, just, not all together with his party.”
“What about Jawbone?” Skrank asked. “He has a picture of Fig and her mom in his office.”
“Jawbone and Gortholax make two,’ Ostentation said at the exact same time Yelle laid her hand on Skrank’s arm and asked, “Why have you been in Jawbone’s office? Are you okay?”
Antiope pointed to the recycling bin, where Fig was now pulling out aluminum cans and presenting them to Gilear. “The Vice Principal is her dad.”
“No, the Bloodrush Coach is her dad,” Katja said, without looking up from her book. “We went to the same middle school. She got kicked off the cheer squad because of it and she had to start sitting at my table.”
Shellford, who was only sitting at their table because of Skrank and hadn’t spoken in so long they’d pretty much forgotten he was there, said, “The Bloodrush Coach is Riz’s dad. Or stepdad? I saw him on a date with Officer Gukgak at my dad’s restaurant.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure that was a date. If someone took me to your dad’s restaurant and said it was supposed to be romantic, I’d get them medically evaluated,” Sam said. Shellford flipped her off and she added, “Fuck you too, asshole.”
Max Durden collapsed into the only remaining seat at their table and slammed down his tray. It was covered with nothing but fries and yellow mustard, which would’ve probably smelled disgusting if it wasn’t totally overpowered by the smell of gorgenfern that followed Max around wherever he went. He ignored a pointed remark from Ostentatia wondering who the fuck had given him permission to sit at her table, and said, “I grew up right next to Fig, and I know for sure she’s got three dads. Gilear, Jawbone, and that giant devil guy.”
“But the giant devil guy is with Riz’s mom,” Skrank reiterated. It wasn’t clear whether he was trying to help out or to change the subject so Yelle would stop asking if he was okay.
From the table behind them, there was the unmistakable sound of someone snorting in disgust. It shouldn’t have been loud enough to pierce through the conversation, let alone the background noise of Sam fighting with Shellford about his dad’s restaurant, but that didn’t change the fact that half the table spun around to find Kipperlilly Copperkettle with her nose in the air. “Do you have something to add to the conversation?” Penny asked, because she was the nicest person at the table by far and probably the only one who truly cared what Kipperlilly had to say.
“It’s just obvious Gortholax isn’t Riz’s dad,” she said, “because the only reason he found Kalvaxus was because his actual dad found him first.”
“I don’t think that’s the full story-” Penny started, and she was right, but Sam had won her fight and she was back in the conversation and she cut in to say, “There’s gotta be some relationship between them, though, because I’ve seen Gortholax giving Riz rides home.”
“This sounds really intense and complicated,” Katja said. She’d put her book away to truly contemplate the truth of her statement. “If my dad was dating one of your parents I’d freak out.”
“But your dad is hot,” Antiope said.
“Gortholax is also kind of hot,” Yelle countered, her gaze set somewhere off in the distance in a way that made it clear what kind of thing she was picturing.
“It’s more normal than you think,” Zelda said quietly. “Like, Adaine and Kristen both live with Sandra Lynn and Jawbone, and it looks like a lot of fun.”
Kipperlilly sniffed again, and then said, “Of course they all live with the school counselor. That’s why they get all the best quest assignments. They wouldn’t be half as popular without special treatment.”
“What’s your deal?” Ostentatia asked, but Kipperlilly’s quiet friend had already grabbed her hand and was talking softly in her ear, so she turned back to Zelda. “So three of them live together.”
And apparently Kipperlilly’s entire party was determined to join in on the conversation, because the dorky wizard said, “Well, Adaine’s parents went back to Fallinel at the end of last year. Ow, Ivy, what was that for?”
Their ranger, who must’ve been Ivy, smirked and said, “Oh, nothing. You just know a lot about Adaine Abernant for someone who’s never said a single word to her.”
“She’s in my class.”
“Sure, that’s why.”
Antiope snuck a look back at Fig, who was handing a steaming wristwatch covered in slime to Gilear. He winced at it touched his skin and then passed out briefly. Fig had him back up with a Healing Word before he hit the ground. “So Fig has three dads, all of whom work at Aguefort, and she lives with two other students.”
“And Jawbone’s niece,” Skrank added, because he was apparently the expert on Jawbone’s family members.
“Hang on. Jawbone’s niece like Kristen’s girlfriend?” Penny asked. Her tone switched from incredulous to defensive as Antiope shot her a look. “I’m not a stalker! I joined the GSA to be a good ally and Kristen talks about Tracker all the time.”
Sam put down her fork and pushed her tray across the table. “This is getting incestuous and weird.”
“I think it’s kind of beautiful,” Yelle said, because of course she did, but before anyone could point that out, Ostentatia gasped and slapped a hand over her mouth. “What?”
“I just remembered my cousin Vincenzo was fixing Gilear’s car last month and Fabian’s hot mom drove him home. To her house.” Ostentatia made a big show of looking around to make sure no one was listening and then added, “Gilear’s car is a piece of shit, too. I have no clue how he pulled that woman.”
“All three of Fig’s parents are in committed relationships with her party members’ parents,” Katja summed up in her typical deadpan. She turned to look at Zelda. “How is Gorgug involved?”
“He’s not,” Zelda said, and then repeated it in the face of six disbelieving looks, “he’s not! All four of his parents are just dating each other.”
Antiope choked on her drink. “I’m sorry?”
“No, no, like, separately together. Two separate couples. He’s not related to his party in any way,” Zelda said, tripping over herself in an attempt to be clear.
“As far as you know,” Sam said at the same time Ostentatia muttered, “Give it five minutes,” and then they high-fived. Zelda turned a shade of red so deep Yelle cast a healing spell on her, just to be safe.
“Hang on, I can solve this,” Max said, and then without warning he held up a hand and yelled, “Gorgug! Get over here, man!”
Gorgug sopped halfway through throwing out the food on his tray and just stared. He had this whole who, me? look on his face that Sam was great at imitating, and it took two more attempts from Max to get him to walk in their direction. “Hi, everyone,” he said, and then “Hi, Zelda,” which Penny thought was adorable.
“So what’s going on with your friends’ parents?” Max asked. It was an insane question to ask, especially given how utterly normal his delivery was. Gorgug looked over to Zelda for some help but she had her face in her hands. She was so mortified, she wasn’t even peeking between her fingers.
Antiope very bravely clarified, “We’re trying to get a handle on your party’s family tree.”
Gorgug blinked. “Um. I guess I don’t think of it as being that complicated. Or really my business. I bet if you ask Kristen, though-”
Gorgug was flung back as Zelda tackled him, yelling, “Let’sgoeatlunchinthethelibrary!” like it was one long battle cry. Without seeming too phased, Gorgug let himself be led out of the cafeteria. On his way out, Fabian tossed something at him that hit him in the head, and Adaine slid a gold piece across the table towards him. Fig was back from whatever she’d been helping Gilear with, and she grabbed two gogurts out of Kristen’s lunch and started using them to drum on Riz’s head. He yelped when one of them exploded, and Adaine didn’t even have to look over to Prestidigitate him.
Someone tapped on Antiope’s shoulder. She spun around to see Kipperlilly’s friend, a tall frost genazi in a cable-knit sweater. “Fig’s mom is with Jawbone, Fabian’s mom is with Gilear, and Gortholax is seeing Sklonda but it’s not that serious,” she said. “I’m Lucy. I’m in class with Kristen and she talks about it a lot.”
Antiope took a second to do some mental math and then nodded. Behind Lucy, at her table, one of her friends started to play the ukulele. “That clarifies things, thanks.”
Just the beginning of Lucy’s argument with Kipperlilly was audible (“It’s not an unfair advantage, Kip, they’re adults with lives”) before Antiope turned back around to look at her party and their entourage. Ostentatia was berating Max for putting his feet on Zelda’s vacant seat. Sam and Yelle were trying to get Skrank to explain why he knew so much about what was on Jawbone’s desk, although they both seemed to be participating in vastly different genres of conversation. Penny was wetting a napkin to help Katja wipe the hummus she’d spilled off of the front cover of her book. “Fig isn’t related to every faculty member,” Antiope announced to no one, “just most of them.”
So that was that solved, and the conversation had already moved on. Antiope took a sip of her soda and waited for the right time to join back in.