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"Why is it like this?"
Stelle's voice rings out through the place they currently occupied, breaking the peaceful silence.
He only blinked, waiting for her to elaborate. When she didn't, he spoke up, his voice hollow. "What do you mean?"
She only frowns. "You know what I'm talking about. The Era Nova is supposed to bring peace for everyone, and yet it isn't complete. There is a major mistake in this heaven you made."
It's his turn to frown, even if his brows only move a bit and make the change almost unobservable. "But everyone is happy. They got what they wished for the most and have their loved ones by their side. There is no threat prolonging Amphoreus anymore." Apart from me, goes unvoiced.
"Well yes, but nobody remembers you! After the last cycle was completed they should have retained their full memory back. Yet when I ask them, they don't recall anything about you at all. That wasn't a part of the plan!" was her response, a tone bit angrier yet still not quite shouting.
"There wasn't any plan for what was going to happen after Era Nova - I didn't even think I would make it here. I didn't promise anything about full memories." His voice didn't rise - he has found out it can only stop sounding so empty when he was burning with rage, and such an emotion was only deserved to be used on fools, such as Nanook or Lygus. He was still not understanding what the Traiblazer was so fed up about.
Instead of more angry words, she fell silent. He couldn't read her face, so he opted to wait for her to speak.
Speak she did, but in a smaller, quieter tone. "You thought you wouldn't get to see Era Nova so you never intended to give them their full memories back?"
So that's what she meant. Yes, that was exactly his line of thinking. He knew he would die, he was sure of it, so he thought it would be easier to simply discard the memory of him. Better than mourn a ghost that didn't even exist in that cycle.
"But you did so much for Amphoreus. Did you go through all those cycles just for your struggles and achievements to be forgotten?"
"It was never about being remembered. I didn't do it for acceptance, gifts or gratitude. I did it because they needed saving and there was no other choice," he said with conviction, his wings fluttering behind him, itching to do what he came here for, yet having to postpone it for Traiblazer's inquiry.
"But you are here now. You didn't perish. I know damn well you have the ability to fix this. Then why don't you?"
The question hangs in the air between them.
Why won't he do it?
He had a whole list of reasons why he did what he did. Somewhere in the first million cycles he realized that his delusional dream of reaching the Era Nova was just that - a delusion made by his naive mind. He soon recognised the truth of it; there was no such thing as Era Nova where he had a place in it. He didn't belong there. With everything he had done in those cycles, with every bit of blood drying on his hands, he became unworthy of such a thing as the next life. So he made sure that everyone's wishes would come true and took himself off the board.
He wasn't supposed to survive this.
He was supposed to perish and take the memory of 'Phainon' with him, yet here he is. And now he doesn't know what to do - besides knowing he cannot stay here. This wasn't made for him. This was made for the real heroes, the saviours of Amphoreus.
He will find a new purpose soon, he knows that much. Even if Amphoreus, the cycles, Lygus and Irontomb were dealt with, there was still something he had to do. The Destruction was plaguing the vast universe and if he was to use it in different ways than just destroying everything, he had to face Nanook. He will never bow to THEM and THEIR idea of destruction.
So he went to explain. "It does not matter if I'm here now. I wasn't supposed to be in the Era Nova. That doesn't change and will not change just because I endured."
But the Nameless just frowned at him again, a hint of sadness in her eyes. "Why? Why are you so sure you shouldn't be here?"
"Because I shouldn't. I don't belong here." was his simple response, grit out amidst his own slight anger. Anger at himself, for having to explain such a straightforward truth, because he didn't make it clear enough to her before. She had seen some of his memories, so why doesn't she understand?
Before she could say anything about that, he continued, "Besides, they only remember the Phainon of that cycle. I could never be what they need again."
"But you are still him, aren't you? You are every Phainon of every cycle compiled in one, just with more memories." The sadness in her eyes preserved. "And what makes you think you can simply gake their memories? Shouldn't that be their choice to make?"
He already knew that. It was a vile thing to do, to tamper with someone's mind without their knowledge. He even knew they would disagree with his actions, that they would abhor it, yet he still did it. It only served as yet another reminder of how low he went, going onto his ever-growing list of transgressions. He did it without a second thought, just like every other death and complication he caused.
There wasn't a place for a person like him in the Era Nova. The stench of death clung to him like a plague, inevitably causing everyone harm. He couldn't possibly endanger the already shaken Amphoreus further.
"I know, but this was the better choice. They are at peace now, let them have their happiness. We both know they worked hard for it. I couldn't possibly intersect that." He hoped Stelle would look at the bigger picture, to see the true worth of his own presence in this new world.
He was mistaken, as she still stubbornly marched on, the sorrow in her stare ever present, "But what about you?"
They were going in circles. How did she not see it? Out of all thirty-three million, five hundred fifty thousand, three hundred thirty-seven cycles he went through, they were the happiest in the one he didn't even exist in. If he was the cause of their missery, how could he possibly stay? Even if he hadn't long stopped having his own wishes, he would never be so selfish as to ask them to forsake their happiness just for him. He'd rather burn than to see that happening - he knew if he stayed, his own guilty conscience would eat him alive.
He wasn't a hero. He was a scorched, vile person who did unimaginable things just to reach a goal. Even if that goal was the paradise they dreamed of, he couldn't ignore what he became while pursuing it. He was sure he could never look at the other Chrysos Heirs without seeing their bloodied corpses and hearing their tormented screams as he killed them. He could never really look into their eyes and see their unguarded joy, not knowing just how much pain he brought them in every cycle.
All of that led to him revaluating his own self worth, realizing just how deep he fell. He couldn't stand his own twisted form, just a reminder of all taht he took and what that made him into. His own ichor, flowing through the cracks of destruction, made him feel like he was drenched in the spilled blood of all that fell, reminding him what he was made of - the repeated failures both his and others. So when there was a way for him to free the others of his own presence he took it. He couldn't tarnish their memories with his consciousness.
Of course, he cannot say that to the Traiblazer. He realized she would never understand it, even if he expalined it to detail. It was simply something she would never fully accept, her own beliefs so different from his. She wouldn't let even such a person as him extract himself from this new peaceful world, however undeserving of it he was. That is why she became Apmhoreus' true hero - the perfect Deliverer.
So he gave up trying to reason with her. The resignation that he could never truly speak his mind about this because no one fully understood hit him like a wave, and he felt tired. But he couldn't simply run away from this now, because she will go after him, demanding an explanation. Thankfully, he didn't forget what professor Anaxagoras taught him in their debate lessons, and decided to placate her with the true dangers of the comos instead of his own feelings.
"Even if I wanted to stay, I couldn't. Amphoreus was made anew just a while ago, its presence new to the cosmos. If I stay here, the presence of a Lord Ravager would be too noticeable, and many would come here to find me, whether that is the other Lord Ravagers or people who want them to fall. You already encountered worlds that struggle with the Destruction, so you understand how much attention such a presence could gain."
He silenced himself for a bit, then continued. "It will still be in my protection, but I cannot stay. I would endanger it with just my presence alone. We both know everyone worked hard to reach what they have now - I simply cannot take that from them. So I decided to discard their memories of me as well, knowing it's better than to mourn someone who cannot stay there."
Stelle stayed quiet, considering his response. She looked like she wanted to argue more, but they both knew he won - there wasn't anything that could be said about the dangers of the universe.
Understanding she won't say anything against his actions, he went to say what he wanted to say all along. "I can't thank you enough for what you did for this land and for me, but I cannot ask of you to be Amphoreus protector just because of me. The power of the Destruction is unrelenting, and you have so much of the cosmos to explore. I cannot keep you here. But if you ever find yourself in a dire situation, in need of help, I would come to your aid. No matter how much time passes or how far away I am, I would remember this vow. It's the only thing I can give you in return."
She nodded and sighed, resignation apparent in her expression. "I guess I cannot make you stay, can I?"
His lips curled into a small knowing smile, a bit of emotion finally taking place on his face. If this was a farewell, he could let himself express it. "No, you can't. But I am sure this won't be the last time we see each other - as both travellers of the universe, with the names we have and the power we hold we will certainly meet again. For the time being, farewell, partner. I wish you good luck on your travels."
Finally, she smiled too, a small bittersweet thing. "I am certain too. May the universe be gentle with you, Khaslana. Farewell."
With that, his wings spread out and swung, finally taking flight. He quickly rose through the clouds and the now real sky, going above and beyond what all of them thought was possible. When he got far away enough to see the stars clearly, he turned around to take a last look at the land he worked so hard to save. It was glowing brightly before him, finally being real. Upon looking at it like this, he felth warmth envelope him, knowing everyone he cared about was there, safe and sound. That all of them finally reached their own happiness.
For a second a strange feeling fell upon him - the feeling of regret upon being unable to fully say his farewells to the Chrysos Heirs. He thought of Aglaea's serious yet gentle eyes, of Anaxa's firm yet caring words, of Cipher's playful tricks, of Tribio's childish positivity and Hyacine's kindness. Of Castorice's small smiles that were rare yet warm. Of Mydei's blinding image, of his competitive spirit, of his understanding. He would miss them all greatly, that's for sure, and a small part of him missed the version of him that had their warmth close, that made real relationships with them. He never got to hug Castorice like he promised and he never truly told Mydei what the Crown Prince meant to him. Those were regrets he would have to live with, for it was too late to act on them now, when he already made up his mind.
He imagined what they would say were they here instead of the Traiblazer. If they would be just as angry as her, or if they would let him go. If they would understand.
But none of that mattered, because the versions of them that he knew were lost to the cycles and his own failures. The ones now were free of burdens and free of him - just like they should be. He could mourn their losses however much he wanted, but it didn't change the fact that he was the cause of this, and he would also be the one to finally let go.
Even if he knew he would probably never see them again. He would sacrifice that much for them.
So he let his wings carry him into the unknown sea of stars, leaving the warmth of Amphoreus behind.
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Exulansis - (n.) The feeling of giving up after trying to explain something that cannot be understood; resignation to stop talking about an experience, because others cannot relate to it.