Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

If she could bottle the smell of summer, she would have done so just there. Her toes in the sand, the sound of the sea crashing in her eyes, and the warm wind on her skin. It was perfect.

“*** Come and get some food honey!” a voice softly called out.

The little girl turned, her dark short hair flailing around in the wind as she faced another girl a bit older than her and a woman wearing a hat. They were sitting on a blanket, food unpacked as they waited for her to come join them. A small stuffed bunny plushie was sitting there too, a special gift just for her on this day.

The girl grinned, running up and joining them as she plopped down on the blanket.

“Are you enjoying your birthday ***?” the older girl asked. Her dark red hair wrapped in a ponytail - she looked to be about fourteen, at least four years older than the younger one beside her.

“It’s the best! I love coming here!” the little girl beamed, picking up a sandwich and taking the biggest bite she could.

“I’m glad you're having fun sweetie,” the woman smiled, with lighter red hair at her shoulders as she tucked a piece of hair behind the child’s ears.

“I wish daddy was here,” the little girl looked down. “Why couldn’t he come?”

The teen and the woman’s smiles dropped into concern, sharing a look with one another before the woman replied, “He was just really busy honey. But he’s gonna try and come next year once he’s not anymore.”

“Mom,” the teen’s brows furrowed.

“Riley, please,” the woman’s eyes were pleading as she looked at her older daughter.

The little girl looked between the two of them, not realising that she was gripping her sandwich tighter. 

“It’s okay, I don’t mind that he’s busy,” she quickly interjected. “I’m still happy!”

The woman sighed, smiling warmly as she cupped the little girl’s and older girl’s cheek, “My beautiful girls.”

They both leaned into her, not knowing that they would be replaying this moment in the years to come.

“Come on, after the sandwiches we can have some cake,” the woman grinned.

“Yay!” the little girl cheered. “Cake! Cake!”

The teen let her concern melt away for now, her baby sister’s birthday was what she wanted to focus on.

The girl took another bite of her sandwich. Smiling through each bite. She never wanted to leave the beach.

-

Pomni rolled to her side on her bed, another day being here. She stared at the door in front of her. Nothing had changed about it, there wasn’t even anything special about it. It was just a door. But that memory kept replaying in her head the previous night instead of a normal dream. 

It was the last moment she could picture them actually being happy. Before everything changed, and her life was cemented in stone for how it would go.

Her stomach churned, yesterday still fresh for her. Jax’s words still ringing in her ears, chewing her up and spitting her out. She didn’t want to face him today, she didn’t want to face him at all. 

She didn’t want to do anything today.

She just wanted time to stop at least for a while. Let the bed swallow her whole, finally feel nothing. Nothing good, nothing bad. And the pain could go away for just a moment. 

Pulling the covers round her tighter, she let herself sink into the mattress. She wasn’t tired, yet her eyes already felt heavy. Her body felt heavy. Like it was reacting as if she was sick, even if she wasn’t. 

Maybe she could let that be an excuse to not come out today. She just couldn’t find it in herself to participate in anything today, even if she wanted to.

Someone knocked at her door.

“Pomni?” Ragatha's voice floated through. The jester let herself relax. “Are you okay? Rolecall is about to begin.

It was like her lips were sealed shut, her tongue thick - unable to speak. Even when she swallowed, no noise came out.

“I’m coming in, you just tell me if you want me to leave,” Ragatha said, turning the knob and letting in a crack of light, making Pomni squint. “Hey-oh. What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

That was the million dollar question. And the answer was more complicated than she wanted it to be, and she didn’t have the energy to speak right now.

All Pomni did was shove her face in the pillow, sighing. 

Ragatha carefully closed the door behind her, leaving only a crack open. “Are you not feeling well?” the ragdoll asked.

The jester still didn’t answer.

Then it clicked for the redhead, “Is it…you know?”

Pomni curled the blanket around her tighter, the thought of him was enough to actually make her sick.

“Okay, that’s okay,” Ragatha went out to touch her arm, quickly stopping herself when she remembered how the jester felt about that. “I’ll tell Caine that you’re not feeling well. He usually believes that. You just take care of yourself and I’ll be right back after the adventure.”

Pomni managed a nod, glimpsing at the ragdoll as the woman smiled down at her. Her eyes fell on the crack in the door, her heart sinking when a familiar yellow eye behind it stared at her.

She turned round in her bed, facing her back to him.

Ragatha raised a brow, turning to see the source of what caused the shorter woman distress. Her eyes darkened seeing the rabbit, “I’ll be back soon hon, I’ll take care of this.”

Pomni listened to the ragdoll’s footsteps leaving the room, closing the door with a click. The crack of light gone.

She could hear their voices through the door.

“Get away, right now before I scream,” she heard Ragatha, her voice cold.

“Jeez, you don’t need to be like this,” Jax said, sounding slightly surprised by the doll’s bluntness. “I was just seeing why you wanted to see the crybaby.”

“You know exactly why I’m checking on her. So get lost, right now,” Ragatha seethed. “Before I tell Caine that your new favourite food is corn.”

She heard Jax grunt in disgust. There was a hanging pause before hearing both footsteps walk away. 

Thanks Ragatha was what Pomni wanted to say.

She wanted him out of her head.

But his words still held its grip on her, twisting and winding round her to the point her mind was suffocating and begging for release.

I’d move on, and probably forget about you.

“Jerk,” was the only word she bit out.

She wished she was at the beach.

-

Riley was gripping her hand, running along the stale pale corridors while her floppy bunny plushie was held in her other. She hated hospitals, she didn’t care that she was born there. She didn’t like the smell, the needles, knowing that people came here to say goodbye.

The little girl hated it here. So why were they in such a hurry to be there?

“Woah, woah,” a man in a white coat stopped them. “Are you Riley and *** Anderson?”

“Y-yeah,” Riley nodded. “We got a call about our mom, where is she?”

The man bit his lip, brows furrowing with worry. “My name is Dr Nelson. Why don’t you come to the side with me? Your little sister should wait here.

“What, why?” Riley’s eyes darted to her little sister and back to the doctor. “Why does she need to wait?”

“What I’m about to tell her might come better from you than from me, please,” the doctor pleaded.

Riley pursed her lips, but nodded. Not before turning and kneeling to the little girl’s height. “Wait here, okay? I’ll be right back.”

The child wasn’t sure. This whole place was just too scary. She wanted to be with her sister, not wait by herself surrounded by the noise of machines and people speaking in hushed whispers. But she nodded. She might be scared, but she could tell that Riley was scared too.

Riley stood again, following the doctor down the hall. The little girl watched them talk, unable to hear their voices. She waited. And waited. And waited. 

And suddenly, Riley’s pained cry was all she heard. She watched her big sister sink to the ground as the doctor tried his best to comfort her.

The child wrapped her arms around her bunny, squeezing it tighter. She was trembling nearly on the verge of tears. She wanted to go home! She wanted her Mama!

She walked up to the two, she didn’t want to wait anymore. She tugged on his coat, as he turned to face her as he still tried to console her sister next to him.

“Can we go home now?” the little girl asked. “Can Mama take us home?”

The doctor only looked like he wanted to cry for them.

She wanted to go to back to the beach.

-

As intrusive as Caine could be sometimes, he was glad that he kept his distance over the next few days. Only delivering meals to her bedroom door. But Pomni didn’t have it in her to open the door, even the thought of food made bile rise to her throat. To the dismay of her rumbling stomach. 

Still, she was glad he was buying the excuse of her having some sort of ‘virus’ so she didn’t need to leave the room. Any sort of actual interaction with anyone made her skin prickle uncomfortably. Except for Ragatha - she was the only exception. 

After the awards show they had talked longer than Pomni thought they would. And when Pomni told her what Jax had said, she was sure the ragdoll saw red. She didn’t say a word, but her single eye told a different story. She made sure to walk Pomni back to her room that night. 

She knew Pomni didn’t need to be assisted, but the jester was kind of glad that she put the wedge between her and the rabbit. And even when Pomni told her she still worried for Jax when he came out of the bathroom, Ragatha showed no judgement. Just support, and a reassuring hand on hers - making sure Pomni was okay with it of course. 

She reminded Pomni of someone that still lived in the corner of her mind. A person that even to this day she couldn’t stop thinking about. Someone who made Pomni burn with questions that she worried she’d never get the answers to.

It angered her. Even in this stupid circus, where every single adventure that was meant to distract her, those questions still filled her head until she couldn’t think. Anger that turned to fury, and fury that turned to frustration, and frustration then turned to misery.

It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Not her, not Ragatha. And not the figure of someone she loved with the armful of answers she wanted so badly. 

It wasn’t their fault she was alone.

And it wasn’t their fault that Jax triggered those memories the moment he left her sitting there. Alone and confused.

She pressed her face into the pillow. It was starting to form a smell, but she didn’t care. Still laying her head there anyway. In the corner of her eye, she could see the letter blocks toppled over the floor. She hadn’t bothered to pick them up. When did they fall over again? 

Yesterday? No, it was before that. A few days before that actually. Nevermind, she didn’t care anymore. They could stay like that.

Her eyes were about to drift shut when she heard footsteps come up to her door. It wasn’t Ragatha, her steps were much more soft due to the ragdoll’s fabric. These footsteps were much heavier. Like how a certain rabbit was when he walked by her side while she asked him little curious questions while trying to find Kinger.

Go away, she wanted to spit at him. Go away .

He was still, like he was just standing there. It made her stomach curl uncomfortably as she pulled a blanket around herself tighter. She squeezed her eyes shut, demanding herself not to cry over him. Just do something, stop standing there. No, just go away. I don’t wait to see your stupid fucking face.

Eventually, she heard the footsteps walk away. Back across to the room in front of hers. It felt like a cruel joke to have his room so close to hers. Another reason to add why she didn’t want to leave.

She gulped down sobs that threatened to spill over.

How she yearned for the sound of the beach.

-

“Hey, hey, you gotta get up,”

The little girl felt a pair of hands shake her awake. She rubbed her eyes, sitting up as she looked to her older sister beside her, “Was’ happening?” she tiredly slurred her words.

“We need to go,” Riley spoke fast, a tinge of fear in her words. “Help me pack your bag, I already did mine.”

“Why? We gotta stay so the social worker can give us a new home,” the little girl told her.

“*** listen to me,” Riley held her shoulders. “I know, he’s really nice. But…it’s-it’s. Sometimes finding a home isn’t easy. Especially when you’re my age.”

“But you’re good! Even mama said so,” the child said. “They have to give a home to good kids.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Riley’s voice began to shake at her little sister’s words. “But…usually people are looking for younger kids…kids your age…not me…”

“Riley you’re scaring me,” the little girl’s eyes began to fill with tears. 

“I heard them. A while ago.” Riley began to tremble. “They found people who only want you. Not me.”

The child whimpered. The idea of her sister not being with her. Mama was already gone. She didn’t want to lose her sister either. She didn’t want to be alone.

“We gotta go, I-I don’t know where we’ll go but we’re gonna make it work,” Riley pulled her bag on the bed. 

The little girl rubbed her eyes, her chest stinging with the threat of more tears, “What about daddy? Why can’t he come get us?”

Riley froze, gripping the bedsheets under her fists, “Dad…dad isn’t in a good place to take care of us right now. He hasn’t been for a while.”

“Why? Why doesn’t he want us?” the child sniffled. “He’s supposed to take care of us! That’s what daddies do!” 

“I know,” Riley cupped her little cheeks in her hands. “I know. It makes me mad too. But it’s not your fault. And it’s not mine either. We’re still a family with or without him. We have each other, that’s what mom would have wanted. As long as we’re together, we’re gonna be okay.”

The little girl looked to her bag, then back to Riley. There was already too much happening. Too much that she didn’t feel ready to face yet. But she didn’t want to go anywhere unless her big sister was there too. “You promise?” she held out her pinkie.

Riley gripped it with her own, “I promise.”

The little girl nodded, slipping out of bed and helping her pack. She of course packed her stuffed bunny first.

Maybe she could take him to the beach.

-

Ragatha had been in and out each day since Pomni told her she wasn’t feeling good. And each day, the more Pomni was starting to not want to see her too. That guilt ate her alive. All Ragatha had done for her was give her more kindness than she deserved and this is how she repaid her.

It wasn’t because she hated her, that wasn’t the reason she didn’t want to see her. She just…she just didn’t want to see anyone. She didn’t have a reason. There was just no energy left in her to face the rest of the circus members.

Even Kinger, someone she had confided in when she was at her lowest, she didn’t want to see him.

She looked to her floor, watching particles of dust begin to collect on each thread of her carpet. 

Her bedsheets were starting to smell too. When was the last time she got up from this bed? That blurred away like the rest of her thoughts in her brain. She couldn’t be bothered to think, or rather didn’t want to think. Thinking would quickly turn to spiraling, and that was the last thing Pomni wanted.

Staring at the door, on her side with her body still laying on her mattress as its smell began to linger around her. Not thinking was the best thing for her, that way she didn’t need to think about the bad. Even if it meant not thinking about the good. The risk wouldn’t be there.

Pomni shivered. Damn it. She was cold.

She knew a longer sleep shirt was kept in one of her drawers below her mirror. Was it even worth it to grab it? The blankets should keep her warm enough. Another chill up her spine proved her wrong.

Fuck it. She would just grab the shirt and that would be it. She groaned, slipping off the bed and making her way towards the dresser. It was then she caught herself in the mirror. Her hair was a mess, knotted and matted as the dark locks reached her shoulders. Her eyes were bloodshot, lips dry and her body…

You’re disgusting, laying around like a fucking slob. You’re getting this worked up?! Look at yourself! Look at how worthless you became, you stupid piece of shit.

Pomni whimpered, a burning cry threatening to burst out from her throat.

And now you’re crying, as if you don’t do enough of that already. What is there to cry about? You trusted someone everyone hated and instead of believing them you let yourself get stabbed in the back. This is your fault and you know it. You deserve this.

She didn’t know.

You should have.

She just liked talking to him.

I bet he dreaded talking to you.

She wanted to be his friend.

He hates you…and you know that.

“I hate you,” she whispered, her voice hoarse as if no words were spoken. 

Pomni stared directly into her own image in front of her. “I hate you.”

She grabbed a letter block from the ground.

“I HATE YOU!”

She threw it at the mirror, leaving a giant crack as smaller fragments fell around her. 

The shattered glass only continued to show herself, caught in each tiny broken piece.

In the back of her head, a pair of glowing yellow eyes and teeth were grinning down at her. Taking pride in her suffering.

She pressed her hands against her ears. She just wanted this to stop. 

She took a step back, screaming when a piece of the glass slid against the middle of her bare foot, slicing the skin.

Pomni fell back, gripping the bleeding foot in her hands. She couldn’t stop the tears even if she wanted to.

She did this to herself.

She was made to be left behind.

Her mother did.

Her sister did.

The circus would.

And Jax….he’ll forget everything about her.

Whether he spoke through a lie, part of her hoped he did.

She felt sick at the thought of being a memory for him. Or being a part of his life in general.

She just wanted to be his friend.

…she wanted to breathe in the air of the beach.

-

“NO!” the little girl wailed as her shoulders were held back by the hands of an adult behind her. “I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE! I WANT RILEY!”

“Please don’t do this!” Riley begged. “She needs me! I need to be with her!”

“You’re in a lot of trouble as it is Miss Anderson,” the social worker scolded her. “Running away with a minor-”

“SHE’S MY SISTER!” Riley screamed. “YOU WERE GONNA TAKE HER AWAY!”

The man was silent for a moment, “I’m sorry. This is how it’s meant to be.”

Riley looked back to her little sister, tears streaming down her face, “At least let me say goodbye.”

The man looked back and forth to both sisters. He sighed, motioning his head.

Riley rushed over to the little girl, falling to her knees as she wrapped her in her arms.

The child squeezed back, “I wanna stay with you! I don’t want to be in this house! This isn’t home!”

“I know, I know,” Riley sniffed. “I don’t wanna do this too. I…I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.”

The teen reached into her bag, pulling out the stuffed bunny. “You hold onto this, okay? And every time you need a hug, squeeze him as hard as you can. Until we find a way back to each other.”

“I want us to be together now!” the little girl begged. “Please!”

Riley choked on her words, not knowing what to say. The only thing she could do was pull her little sister into her arms, stroking her hair.

The child burst out with more sobs. It wasn’t fair.

The social worker put his hand on Riley’s shoulder, “It’s time to go.”

“Please, just a few more seconds,” Riley pleaded.

“I can’t let you do that,” he pulled her to her feet. “Let’s go.”

“NO!” the little girl screamed, refusing to let go of her big sister’s hand. “I'M NOT STAYING HERE!”

The foster parents had to pry her tiny hand away, holding her shoulders again. The child hated it, she hated their touch. Get them off!

Tears were rolling down Riley’s cheeks as she was led out of the foster home, the door shutting behind her.

The little girl slipped out of the foster parent’s grip, running to the nearest window. “RILEY!” she pounded her little fists against it.

She was as her big sister was put into the back seat of the car, the older girl looking through the window to the younger. Red streaks stained her cheeks as the car pulled out of the driveway. 

The vehicle drove away. Smaller.

And smaller.

And smaller.

…

Then it was gone

“RILEY!”

That was the last time Pomni saw her sister.

She squeezed her eyes shut. 

And began to imagine the beach.

-

Night came, she was still sitting in the same spot that she fell. Her foot has stopped bleeding, the blood drying on her skin.

She was sweating despite the cold still pricking up her spine. Her mind spinning even when the world stood completely on its own.

Pomni stared at the drawers in front of her, dimmed by the darkness of the room.

Instead, she painted a picture inside her head. It was sunny, warm. Neither hot nor cold. It was just right.

Instead of a carpet dirtied by blood and dust, there was sand beneath her.

Her head was resting on top of a woman’s lap - kind and gentle hands threading through her hair. “Mama.”

Turning her head to the side, she saw a teenager running near the water. Laughing freely as she kicked at the waves coming in. “Riley.”

It was perfect.

It was the best day ever.

Although, the glowing eyes were new. And a mass of black surrounding the sun. But for some reason, it was so…comforting.

She swore she could hear it whisper to her. 

Join us.

You can be here too.

Pomni smiled, even if it was tired and weak. She sat up, staring up at the mass and eyes. Yeah, she wanted to be there. It was nice, it was safe.

Staying under the warm sun, within the arms of the people she loved, and no worries about the circus ever again. She could live the bestest day over and over again.

Yeah, she could do that.

She reached her arm out to the mass.

The bedroom door opened, her head slowly turning to see who came in.

“Jax, look,” she continued to smile. “Isn’t it pretty?”

His pupils were small, he began to breathe heavily - shaking his head in disbelief and fear. 

He was so silly.

“Don’t worry Jax, you can forget me now,” she spoke genuinely, as though she was reassuring him. “It’s probably for the best.”

Pomni turned back to the waves.

She closed her eyes.

“I can be at the beach again.”

Chapter Text

Jax’s eyes were heavy.

He hadn’t had a proper night’s sleep since the award show. He couldn’t get Pomni’s face out of his head - her eyes close to tears when made sure she got the hint that he didn’t care about her in the slightest.

Which was a damn lie and he knew it.

He cared about her so bad that it ate him alive to not be near her. 

Part of him wished he swallowed his pride and sat down next to her in the audience during the awards show. But the idea of having that closeness to another person - knowing what could happen. The sting of her hating him was better than losing her. 

He rubbed the sleep away from his eyes as he sat up in the bed, his unnatural cold smile slipping into place. No trace of fear or guilt left behind.

He unlocked his door, shutting it behind. In front of him, Pomni’s door was open. Odd.

Maybe he should have kept walking, to see what Caine wanted. To keep her out of his view. But curiosity got the better of him. 

Jax took a few steps closer, peering in to see what was happening. Ragatha was kneeling by Pomni’s bed, whispering in a hushed voice to the jester. 

She looked…exhuasted. Worse than how he felt. 

It was when her eyes caught his did he see how dull they looked. Gone was the glimmer of mischief from their battle royale with everyone else. She almost looked unrecognizable.

She then turned away from him, his eyes landing on her back instead. 

Ragatha looked over her shoulder, he couldn’t help but shudder when she began to glare at him.

“I’ll be back soon hon, I’ll take care of this,” she spoke to Pomni, not taking her eyes off him.

That was when the ragdoll finally stood up, marching towards him as she firmly shut Pomni’s door behind herself. Making sure he didn’t catch another glimpse of her. “Get away, right now before I scream.”

Jax nearly felt himself take a step back from her intensity, before tsking, “Jeez, you don’t need to be like this. I was just seeing why you wanted to see the crybaby.” Is she okay?

“You know exactly why I’m checking on her. So get lost, right now,” she took another step closer to him. Jax nearly felt himself shrinking under her stare. “Before I tell Caine that your new favourite food is corn.”

The thought of the hole-shaped food made him recoil, his gaze darting between Ragatha’s seething glare and Pomni’s door. The picture of her sad eyes staring back at him.

It would be a shame if there was a red cross on that picture.

Flashes of the face of a frog crossed out in red flickered in his mind. It was what finally got him to walk away. Try all he might, his brain wouldn’t stop molding the frog and a familiar jester into one.

This was for the best. His distance kept her safe.

-

The adventure was a bit of a mixed bag. It had started out as a normal platforming kind of game - gaining points and power ups. And it was fun for a while…until the fire breathing dragon boss battle that nearly singed Jax’s new tail off.

He was covered in soot when he walked back through the portal, desperately in need of a shower. Honestly, the adventure felt like it was lacking something. But it wasn’t something that could be fixed by code or features - as if Caine would listen anyway.

The extremely obvious lack of Pomni threw him off the entire time. Ever since her arrival she had added a new kick to the adventures that he didn’t know he needed. It was fun teasing her, seeing what made her tick, the senseless conversations that somehow made sense to only them.

It felt hollow without her. And he knew it was painfully obvious that it was caused by himself. 

Jax sighed when he stepped into his shower, letting his fur get soaked as he shut his eyes.

Maybe she would join tomorrow…

…okay, she was still in her room. There was always the next day…

Then the next…

…then the next…

…and another…

…she was still in there.

Jax grunted, walking up the hallway after dinner. This shouldn’t be getting to him as much as it did. If anything, not seeing Pomni’s dulled and lifeless eyes would have spared him the extra guilt of what he did.

Anything to deflect responsibility.

No, no. He was just trying to protect her. Protect them both.

He stopped, turning to his right. Staring directly at Pomni’s door.

You should say something.

Why should he? He already said enough. 

Though he did wonder, what on earth was happening on the other side of that door? Was she still in bed like how he saw her last time? Was her mind spinning in circles like how his was?...Was she still thinking about him as much as he thought about her?

Jax didn’t even realise he was walking up to her door. He focused on the doorknob, his hand itching to grab it. To open it. To see if she was okay.

No.

No, he shouldn’t. He’s already done enough.

Coward.

Jax scoffed, turning back to his own room. He slammed the door, the impact making something slip off his dresser and onto the carpet. Jax sighed, it would bug him if he didn’t pick that up. It would stick out like a sore thumb. He stiffened when he picked it up, realising what it was.

It was a picture. Of him and Pomni during the battle royale. 

“High five!”

“Yeah!”

Pomni couldn’t help but snicker in delight at their shared victory, “Team Pew Pew is down! Only Team Unmasked to go!”

“Lovin’ the enthusiasm Pom-Pom,” Jax chuckled. “How’s about we double check these rooms just in case they got the same idea as hoo-haa over here.”

He pointed to Kinger’s lifeless form.

“Sounds good to me,” the jester nodded, already heading to the room in front of her.

He’d rather shoot himself in the head than say this, but he was having a lot of fun with her. Having that back and forth with someone who wasn’t afraid to match his energy. And part of him felt himself matching with hers as well. 

Him opening up to her, if it was anyone else his mouth would have been sealed shut along with any information about himself. But with her, it felt natural to tell her all of this. And it scared him that he was comfortable with that. 

He shook it off for now, fun gun adventure first. 

Kicking down the door in front of him, Jax scoured the room to see if a triangle shaped head or talking mask was anywhere to be seen. It was unlikely that they were here, but there was no harm in checking. 

However, there was one thing. On a nearby table sat a polaroid camera. He hadn’t seen one of those in a while. “Huh,” he grinned, going over and picking it up. “Hey shortie, come see this.” He went back out into the hallway.

He snickered when seeing her slightly agitated reaction to his new nickname for her.

“What did you just call me?!” she barked, baring her sharp teeth.

Jax tried, and failed, to hold back his chuckles when seeing her enraged face, “Just look at what I found.”

Her fury paused when seeing the old camera, nostalgia washing over instead when it was placed into her small hands, “Woah, I haven’t had a camera like this in years.”

Jax titled his head, “You had one of these bad boys?”

“Yeah,” she nodded with a smile. “I’d just take pictures of things I found amusing. Like dogs, butterflies. I remember when I was thirteen I took a picture of a tree outside of my school when it was blossoming in spring. Heh, guess it’s stuff like this that made me like capturing moments.”

“It led to your epic youtube career!” Jax chortled.

“Yeah, yeah,” her annoyed tone was laced with a smile. “You’re not gonna live that down, are you?”

“Absolutely not!” Jax exclaimed. “The day we get out of here you’re gonna give me the name of your youtube channel!”

“Ha! Fat chance bunny boy,” she snickered when using the nickname Zooble gave him earlier.

His ear twitched, he’d let it slide since it was her saying the name. He took the camera from her again, studying it for a moment. ‘Capturing moments’, she said. That was when an idea popped into his head, “Say, how about we take a picture to celebrate our victory so far?”

“Over Kinger’s corpse?” she pointed to it, only to see that it had already disappeared. “Oh, never mind heh.”

“Whatcha say?” Jax asked. “Selfie just for us?”

Pomni hummed. She couldn’t lie, it seemed like a really fun idea, “You know what, why not. I’d like to look back on the fun we had together.”

Jax’s tail wagged behind him. She was having fun with him. The last time someone told him that was…he shook it off, positioning the camera to fit them both into frame. He pointed his gun to the camera, “Smile! Say ‘Caine stinks’!”

Pomni did the same with hers, her own gun in one hand and Kinger’s in the other. She bared her teeth in a feral grin, “Caine stinks!”

The camera flashed.

Jax gripped the photo tight, tears threatening to spill the more the memory burned into his mind. This was stupid, this was so fucking stupid. He shouldn’t be getting this worked up over someone who hadn’t even been in the circus for that long. 

So what if she laughed at his jokes, listened to him without judgement, smiled at him as if he hung the moon…or made him feel human for the first time in years.

No, no! This was just too much. He stormed out of his room, marching down the hallway and into the main area. In the corner of his eye he managed to spot a trash can. He had every mind to crumple up the photo, tear it up before dumping it in. Yet for some reason, he found it in himself to gently lay it down, deliberately making it as though it was staring up at him.

Reminding him that everything that was happening right now was because of him.

A tear landed on the photo.

His hand reached up to his face, forcefully rubbing away any trace of wetness there.

This was the way things should be.

-

Two weeks had passed. Jax was pacing back and forth in his room during the late hour of the night. He was surprised that the floor hadn’t made a dent for how much he walked in the same spot over and over again. He couldn’t get Pomni out of his head. She still hadn’t come out of her room. 

Every single part of his body itched to run over and see what was happening in there. But his stubbornness held him in place. This was fine, she just needed a bit more time and then she would come out again. And things would return to normal. She would go about the adventures the way she used to and treat him the same way everyone else did. 

It was how he handled things and he was fine. She would be too.

Have you ever considered that she isn’t you though? That she doesn’t go through the same pains you do?

The little voice at the back of his head sounded too much like a familiar frog he had lost long ago. It only aggravated Jax more. He was doing her a favour, he was trying to protect her.

Her? Or yourself? She’s the one you left on her own. Last time I checked that wasn’t how you protect someone you care about.

He didn’t care, this was just something he was doing out of basic decency for their respective sanities.

As if anyone would be sane here. It’s already hell on its own without adding what you said. What was it again? “I’d move on, and probably forget about you.”

Saying that was the best thing he could do for her! If she stayed around him then he would have to relive the pain of losing someone he…cared for again! He couldn’t do that. He was already hanging on by a thread.

And she isn’t? Tell me, what was it that Kaufmo did before he abstracted?

…he hadn’t come out of his room…for days…

“…no.”

The stubbornness faded the moment realisation set it. “No, no, NO!”

He all but ran out of his room, making a beeline for Pomni’s. He jiggled the door handle, trying desperately to pry it open. It was locked. Just like how Kaufmo’s was, “F*ck, F*CK!”

He shoved his hand into his pocket, pulling out her key and shoving it in the lock. He let out an elated gasp when it finally clicked. He crashed through the door, nearly taking it off its hinges.

Jax’s heart plummeted. 

Pomni turned, the abstraction slowly building up her body. Leaving only her head. She smiled at him, “Jax, look, isn’t it pretty?”

He began to tremble. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to prevent this. He thought he did! She was supposed to be better off without him! Not…this.

What had he done?

He shook his head, he didn’t want to believe this was happening.

“Don’t worry Jax, you can forget me now,” the way she said that - as though it was meant to reassure him. That what was happening was what he wanted. “It’s probably for the best.”

She turned away from him, closing her eyes.

“I can be at the beach again.”

He should have run, just shut the door and run. There was nothing he could do. She was abstracting, no one could come back from that. It was why he kept distancing himself from her, to not go through any of this again! For both of their sakes! This wasn’t supposed to happen.

And yet it did, despite your best efforts.

Jax’s breath was starting to become laboured. Her face was still untouched. As if she was oblivious to the black mass and glowing eyes swallowing her small frame. 

He should be running back to his room, pretend that he didn’t come in here. Yet his feet remained glued to the ground, his entire body practically forcing him to watch. 

You know you can’t do it, you know you can’t leave her here.

He didn’t care, he shouldn’t care.

And yet you do. You care for her so badly that it kills you.

This is your fault.

Sharp coldness ran down his neck. Him staying away, telling lies that they were never friends, trying so hard to shove down any ounce of humanity he had. But in the end…

You’re more human than anyone else here.

Jax took a step forward.

You don’t need to make the same mistake.

He dropped to his knees.

She isn’t gone yet.

He wrapped his arms around her, ignoring the fragmented glitches digging painfully into his flesh as he pulled her to his chest. He rested his cheek on the top of her head. 

Don’t be like me. Don’t push away.

“I’m sorry,” Jax whispered.

Stay.

“Daisy, daisy. Give me your answer do,” Jax sung softly, his voice wavering slightly. “I’m half crazy, all for the love of you.”

The jagged edges of the abstraction began to smooth down, not fully going away but it didn’t hurt to touch anymore.

“It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage,” he took his hand in his, stroking her knuckle with his thumb. “But you’ll look sweet, upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.”

He heard a sharp intake of breath, feeling a few wet drops landing on his arm. He looked down, the abstraction was gone. All that was left was Pomni, dressed in a red t-shirt and blue shorts. Tears were falling down her cheeks, silently breathing in and out her mouth. She stared at the ground, as if she was stuck in a trance. 

It was only when Jax saw the current state of her and her room. Her clothes were stained with sweat, drool and blood. Her hair was incredibly knotted. He was sure that using a brush on that would cause a severe amount of pain. It was then he saw the scabbed over cut on her foot, how long was that left ?!

There was also dust crawling all over the walls and carpet, with many of the room appliances scattered around. Her mirror was shattered, pieces of glass all over the floor - that was probably how she got the cut. As well as dirty plates with outdated meals that she didn’t eat. He didn’t think Ragatha knew about this, the doll would have helped clean up otherwise. 

Let alone try and get her to eat something.

“I did this,” he croaked out.

Jax looked down, it seemed that Pomni had completely passed out in his arms. Long, exhausted heavy breathes leaving her mouth as she slept.

Jax knew that she couldn’t stay in her room with its current condition. And he couldn’t put her in his room, it would cause too many questions and she already was mad enough at him as it is. He shouldn’t put her through more emotional distress when she was already in enough of it as it is.

Ragatha? She would ask too many questions.

Gangle? She would just start panicking. 

Zooble? They would start cussing him out.

Wait, there was one person who could help. Someone who had gotten close with her in a way that Jax still couldn’t place his finger on.

Cradling her in his arms, he walked out of her room and down the hall. He knocked on Kinger’s door.

The chess piece opened it, rubbing his eyes, “Jax? Why are you up this late-?” His eyes widened when seeing the jester in his arms.

“She needs help,” Jax spoke softly. “I-I didn’t know where else to go.”

Kinger nodded, opening the door wider, “Get in, quickly.”

Jax didn’t need to be told twice. The entire room looked like a bigger version of his pillow fort. Cushions and blankets covering each floor and walls - with fireflies buzzing around to create a faint glow. It was cozy.

“Place her down here,” Kinger knelt down, patting on a cushion beside him.

Jax did as he was told, carefully placing her down on her side. It was then in the small light he could take a proper look at what the abstraction did to her. Angry red scars in the shapes of the sharp edges of an abstraction covered her arms and legs. His arm had stopped glitching, nothing was there yet he could still remember the feeling. It was excruciating and cold, like each fragmented piece pricking at him like glass over and over again.

But Pomni, it was left all over her body for her to see.

“What happened?” Kinger’s voice was low as he began to clean and dress the cut on her foot, Jax could hear the fear laced in it.

“She…almost abstracted,” Jax felt sick saying those words. “I nearly didn’t get to her in time.” 

“She survived an abstraction," Kinger watched over her, picking up a blanket and placing it over her small body. “That’s…I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s not fair,” Jax gripped his hands into fists. “She didn’t deserve to feel like this.”

“There was nothing you could do,” Kinger placed a hand on his shoulder. “These things can’t be prevented.”

But they could be caused, and this was caused by me, Jax rubbed his eyes, shoving off Kinger’s hand from his shoulder. He stood, keeping his back to both of them, “What’s gonna happen now?”

“Well I’m going to let her rest and keep an eye on her throughout the night just in case,” Kinger informed him. “Then when she wakes up I’m going to get Caine. Something like this has never happened before.”

“Right, right,” Jax bit his tongue. “I gotta go.”

“Jax wait-”

The rabbit had already shut the door behind him.

Frustrated tears threatened to spill over. He didn’t know what to do now. This all happened because of those stupid words he told her. He could have just kept going with their fun, it was just a game and she couldn’t stop smiling at him - her fucking beautiful smile. But no, he had to let his stupid mouth ruin another good thing yet again. And this time, the guise of protecting each other couldn’t apply anymore.

He looked up, her bedroom door was still open. Well, there was one thing he could do. 

Jax went into her room again, peeling off the sheets from her bed to create a sack. With that, he placed in the other dirty pillows and blankets, as well as the rotting plates on the ground. Tying it into a knot, he slung the makeshift sack over his shoulder. Going down the hall and into the main circus area.

Opening the trash can, he was about to throw the sack of filth into it before he froze. The picture was still there, untouched. Jax pressed his lips together.

It’s okay to still care about her.

It’s okay to regret.

It’s okay to pick it up.

He reached down, grabbing the photo. He placed it into his pocket, patting it in place before putting the sack in the can. 

Jax was shaking. All of this was terrifying, but it was the least he could do. For Pomni.

He turned, he had a room to finish cleaning.

Chapter Text

It was cold. Like bare skin against a glass window during a blizzard. Not unbearable, but the chill going through her bones was quite uncomfortable. Bit by bit the coldness grew, causing her to begin to shiver. She wanted to move, but the fogginess in her head and the heaviness in her limbs kept her frozen in place.

Soon, it felt as though that glass had finally shattered, piercing her skin as the blizzard swarmed around her. The freeze was starting to mix with the painful exposure of her raw wounds, moulding inside her bones. It then became agonising to move, like her body was punishing her for every turn she made.

She just wanted it to stop, it hurt!

Make it stop!

Why wouldn’t it stop!

…

Warmth.

Like two arms had wrapped around her, letting its heat melt away any ounce of the freeze that was rushing through her veins. Letting it drip into a puddle.

She found herself drawing closer to the warmth, letting it surround her like the softest blanket she ever owned.

She hadn’t felt comfort like this in so long.

After nothing but tiredness for days on end, the warmth finally allowed her to rest.

It felt like she had been run over by a freight train. Her body heavy and her stomach churning. Pomni slowly blinked as she awoke from her restless sleep, this didn’t feel like her bed. It was softer and light, like laying on a fluffy warm cloud. The room wasn’t fully dark, with a soft glow and the sound of…buzzing?

Once the blurriness left her eyes, Pomni finally realised that instead of red and blue walls - the room she was in was surrounded by mountains of pillows and fireflies gently floating in the air.

“Oh, you’re awake,” Kinger carefully stepped closer, helping her sit up. “How are you feeling?”

“Ugh…” she tiredly slurred her words, her head full of cotton as she brought her hand up to steady it. “How did I end up here?”

Kinger stiffened, eyes widened with worry, “Do you not remember what happened?”

Pomni groaned, feeling her head pierce with a sudden pain. She was just about to lift her hand to it when she froze - looking at what was on her skin. Her eyes trailed down the rest of her arm, then the other, and down her legs. Her entire body was covered in scars.

Images of black, yellow and purple flashed in her mind. How it slowly crawled up her body, nearly taking her away. She nearly abstracted.

Her hands grabbed at her arms, frantically rubbing at them as though it could simply be erased. If only it was that easy, “What is this?! Why am I like this?!” She rubbed faster. “Get this off me!”

“Pomni please, you’ll hurt yourself!” Kinger tried to pry her hands away.

The jester only recoiled, eyes filled with fear, “Don’t! Please just get it off! Get it off!”

Kinger’s eyes only softened with a distant sadness. “I’m so sorry Pomni.”

“No, no, no, no, no!” she wailed, clutching herself desperately. “I can’t be like this! Get it off, please!”

Kinger reached out for her again. When she didn’t flinch, he brought her into his arms - petting her hair as she cried into his chest. He felt utterly helpless, watching the girl he saw as his daughter fall apart. He wished he could have told her this was only a dream, to only lay her head down amongst the ladybugs and butterflies. And when she woke up, it would all go away.

But this wasn’t a dream. Life wasn’t as easy as closing your eyes and waiting for nightmares to end.

Pomni sniffled, looking at her hands again. Those scars were never going to disappear.

-

It was early in the morning when Caine was alerted for his assistance - even he was surprised. Normally the circus members tried to lay in for a little bit longer before going down for breakfast. Yet in the early shadows of the day, Kinger was frantic and begging with panic for Caine to follow him.

When going into the chess piece’s room, Caine dropped to the ground. Understanding the seriousness of the situation.

Pomni had a blanket wrapped around herself, desperately trying to hide as much of herself as she could. 

“Pomni,” Kinger approached her. “Can you show Caine? Only if you want to.”

The jester squeezed her eyes shut, taking her arm out of the blanket and presented it to the AI. Refusing to look at herself. 

Caine could feel himself filling with dread.

“I almost…” Pomni couldn’t finish the sentence.

Caine didn’t need her to.

“And yet…you didn’t,” his voice was barely audible.

Pomni quickly pulled her arm back into the blanket, eyes watery with tears threatening to spill, “Please don’t look at them anymore. I can’t even look at myself.”

“N-no, of course not dear. I’m sorry,” Caine interlaced his fingers, trying to think. “I’ve never had anyone come back from abstraction before, you must understand my shock.”

Pomni was silent, but he could see her nod slightly.

Kinger looked to Caine with concern, “What should we do? Like you said, you’ve never seen this before.”

For the first time, Caine was at a loss for words. What was meant to be done? The cellar was obviously not an option. She was still in one piece. But this wasn’t something to dismiss either. No one in the history of being in this circus and its halls had ever survived an abstraction. 

“Let’s…let’s start from the beginning,” Caine clasped his hands together. “When did you start feeling like…this?”

Pomni gripped her blanket, “Since the gun adventure.”

Since his adventure.

Not the awards show, not the suggestion box adventures. His adventure.

“I-I see,” Caine’s hands began to shake. Whatever had happened during that adventure must have caused her to become like this. Because of him. His pride had gotten in the way and she almost…

If he didn’t make the adventure would she have been spared? Would the catalyst of events change to keep her from drawing herself deeper and deeper into a pit she could barely escape.

“I’m going to try and look into this,” the ringmaster turned to the chest piece. “For now, the best thing to do is to keep an eye on her. Could you do that, Kinger?”

“Always,” he replied sincerely. He laid Pomni back down, gently patting her hair. The jester didn’t flinch away, sighing contently as she settled back into a dreamless sleep.

Caine snapped his fingers, disappearing into a puff of smoke back onto the stage.

His hands were still shaking. Was Zooble right? No one liked his adventures? Did he truly endanger them to the point of abstraction? His mind went back to the scars on Pomni’s arms, the harmful aftermath only represented to him just how it felt.

He wrapped his arms around himself, guilt dropping his feet and forcing him to stand - to feel the weight of all the choices he made, “Pomni I’m so sorry.”

-

“Okay, let me know if she needs anything else Kinger,” Ragatha shut the door to his room. 

She was awoken earlier by Caine popping into her room, saying that Kinger had requested her. At first she was puzzled, wondering why the chess piece couldn’t come to her room himself. He had done so a few times before whenever he needed to borrow something. 

It was only when she went inside and saw what was in front of her did Kinger explain what happened. By the end of it, Ragatha wanted to cry. But she held back the tears, she didn’t want to make things more overwhelming than they needed to be. Instead, she listened to what was needed from her. 

Pomni had requested some of her cardigans and longer skirt. Since she was the only other circus member who wore clothing, the jester had asked for something to cover her arms and legs with until Caine created a new uniform for her.

It broke Ragatha’s heart to see Pomni hastily pull on a cardigan the moment she put the pile of clothes down. Frantic to cover herself. It reminded her the first day the jester appeared, terrified of this new place and the people there. 

She was doing so well finding her place here. And even though she didn’t fully understand it, Pomni was happy and even thriving with Jax. Then the gun adventure happened. Ragatha wanted to strangle him.

Now? She just didn’t know. He was the one who brought Pomni to Kinger. How did he know she was about to abstract? 

Ragatha brought her hands to her head. This entire thing was giving her a headache. Walking into the main area, she was Zooble and Gangle talking to one another. Right, they didn’t know. Kinger told her that it was okay to tell anyone else, it still didn’t make the incoming conversation any easier.

“Hey guys,” she waved, sitting herself down in one of the chairs.

“Morning Ragatha,” Gangle smiled, draped over Zooble on the couch. “No sign of the others yet, it’s just been me and Zooble so far.”

“Not complaining, Caine hasn’t bugged us yet so today has been pretty good so far,” Zooble suddenly noticed Ragatha's downtrodden expression. Something wasn’t right, she was always chipper in the morning. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

Gangle looked up, seeing the ragdoll’s face as well, “Ragatha, what happened?”

Ragatha inhaled deeply. Stay strong, “It’s Pomni. She’s not gonna be joining us today.” 

Gangle’s eyes furrowed with worry, wringing her hands together, “Is she okay?”

Even Zooble was starting to look concerned, “This has been happening for some time now. Do we need to tell Caine anything?”

“He already knows…um…I-I’m sorry I don’t know how to say this,” the ragdoll looked up at them. She bit back the tears, straightening her back. “Pomni nearly abstracted last night.”

Gangle’s mask immediately shattered, “She what?!?!”

“Oh my god!” Zooble sat up immediately. “What do we do? Do we need to check on her? I-I!”

“Guys, it’s okay!” Ragatha tried to reassure them, and partly herself as well. “She’s okay now. She’s with Kinger and he’s taking care of her.”

The duo were still on the fence, but they seemed to have calmed down just a bit. “Out of everyone I genuinely didn’t expect Pomni to nearly…” Zooble trailed off, they didn’t want to finish that sentence. “Last I saw her she was smiling and having fun. Tough too.”

“Are you sure we can’t go check on her? I mean, last time we didn’t check on someone, Kaufmo…” Gangle whimpered, her hands trembling as she brought them up to cover her mouth - trying to silence her whimpers. “I don’t want that to happen again.”

“Hey,” Zooble wrapped an arm around her. “It didn’t happen, we just gotta make sure we’re there for her.”

Ragatha brought her knees to her chest, hugging them. “I blame Jax.”

“Fair enough,” Zooble nodded. “I had a feeling the dude did something. Did you see how he was looking at her during the awards show?”

“No actually…he was looking at her?” Ragatha raised a curious brow.

“Well, Gangle saw the thing but I did catch a few glimpses,” Zooble explained. “I saw him going into the bathroom, but it looked like he was about to cry.”

“He also did the thing where his pupils go weirdly wide,” Gangle spoke. “The only times I see him do that is whenever Caine bugs him. His eyes are small but then they get bigger the more Caine speaks to him. I kinda keep track of when he does that so I know whether or not it’s gonna be a good day for him. And to also stay away if I think he’s gonna break my mask.”

“That’s…huh. I’m not sure the last time I saw Jax upset other than…oh,” Ragatha’s eyes widened. “Oh Jax you idiot.”

“What, what is it?” Gangle looked at her.

Ragatha blinked, she shook her head to the masked woman, “It’s not my place to say.” 

The images of her, him and a certain frog crossed out on the door flashed behind her eyes. How all three of them laughed and teased each other. When Jax’s jokes and pranks actually were in good faith rather than to torture anyone. When she didn’t feel like he despised her presence just by existing. And how it all changed when the frog was gone.

She had said things that day, so did he. Both of them had cemented into parts of themselves that they were today. 

There were glimpses of who he used to be whenever he was with Pomni - yet Ragatha couldn’t shake the feeling that it was only glimpses she would see. And it hurt knowing that she was partly right. He wasn’t manipulating her. She didn’t know why she even said that. But even she could see the similarities between Pomni and Ribbit. She knew that it was going to make him snap.

And this was the aftermath.

“GOOD MORNING MY SUN SHINING DAISIES!” Caine boomed, louder than usual. “I SURE HOPE WE ARE ALL HAVING A GOOD MORNING AND NOT FEELING MORE UPSET THAN USUAL!”

Zooble grunted at his volume, “Yeah, we’re fine. Ragatha was telling us about Pomni.”

“AH YES POMNI!” Caine continued to shout. “I ASSURE YOU THAT SHE IS BEING OBSERVED CAREFULLY AND I WILL STEP IN TO MAKE SURE IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HER!”

“Well, that’s good-” Gangle spoke.

“-OF COURSE IT’S GOOD! WHAT KIND OF HOST WOULD I BE IF I JUST LET MY GUESTS ABSTRA-!”

He stopped himself, before he could even finish that word. He cleared his throat, “ANYWAYS! WHY DON’T YOU ALL HAVE A FREE DAY TODAY! I WOULDN’T WANT ANYONE TO FEEL LIKE THEY’RE FORCED TO DO SOMETHING THEY DON’T WANT TO DO IF IT LEADS TO THEM FEELING SAD! JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT. AS LONG AS ITS FAMILY FRIENDLY! NO SOUL CRUSHING ADVENTURE UNLESS YOU WANT IT! YES EVERYTHING IS COMPLETELY FINE HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Ragatha frowned, “Caine, are you okay?”

“ME? IM SPLENID!” Caine forced a grin. “I DEFINITELY DON’T FEEL ANY GUILT FOR LETTING MY ADVENTURES BE THE REASON THAT CAUSES PEOPLE PAIN! NOPE! NONE WHATSOEVER!”

The ragdoll reached a hand out, “Caine-”

“HAVE A VERY NORMAL NON ADVENTURE RELATED DAY!” Caine suddenly poofed away in a cloud of smoke. Leaving everyone stunned at the sudden display.

“So we can all agree he’s not okay, right?” Zooble asked.

Ragatha hummed in agreement. She wasn’t done with that ringmaster yet.

-

Pomni pulled on a blue cardigan from the pile Ragatha had given her. She buttoned it up, grimacing when it didn’t reach her neck. At least it covered her arms, and a blanket was covering her legs. She hated looking at her hands, each scar reminding her what nearly happened.

She felt disgusting.

“I’m going to get you something to eat,” Kinger piped up.

“I’m fine-”

“No you’re not,” Kinger interrupted. His voice suddenly strict. “You haven’t been fine for a while. And I don’t want what almost happened to become real.”

Pomni flopped down on the cushions below her, burying her face into the pillows, “I’m not a child.”

“I never said you were,” Kinger told her. “I just don’t want you to be on your own right now.”

The chess piece stood. “You know. Jax was the one who brought you to me.”

Pomni peered up at him, “What?”

“He was the one who found you,” Kinger sighed. “You have every right to not like him right now. But I did want to let you know. But forgiving him or not is up to you. There’s no pressure. You’re allowed to not like him.”

Pomni looked away, “I don’t know what to feel right now.”

Kinger’s eyes softened, patting her hair gently, “You have a right to that too.” 

After a moment of silence, he stood and walked to the door. He pressed his hands together, a red and blue butterfly appearing when he separated them, “Let me know if she needs anything. Keep an eye on her.”

The butterfly gave him a little nod, fluttering over and landing on Pomni’s head.

“I’ll be back soon,” he shut the door behind him.

For once, Pomni was glad that it wasn’t dark. The ambience of the bugs fluttering their wings and chittering, along with the soft glow of the butterfly and fireflies gave her a feeling of warmth. And a distant sense of home.

Home.

She didn’t remember the last time she had that sense. Whenever she thought of home, she thought of her childhood days of summer. Her feet in the sand and playing in the sea. Along with her sister and mother…

She felt the butterfly press a tiny kiss to her head. The gentleness of it was enough to help her stay in the present. “Thank you.” The butterfly chirped, curling up into the crook of her neck. Pomni knew that butterflies couldn’t do that in real life, but she had to admit - it was cute seeing the bug do that.

Suddenly, the door handle turned. Pomni flinched at the sound, sitting up straight and tightening the cardigan around her frame.

Light pooled into the room, Jax standing at the frame as the door opened slowly with a groan.

Pomni furrowed her brows, “Why are you here?”

“I…” his voice was oddly strained. “I needed to see you.”

She turned her gaze to the pillows below her, gathering one of them in her hand and squeezed roughly. “I know you saved me…why did you do that?”

Because I’d lose myself if you abstracted, “I…don’t know.” Why did I say that?!?!

Pomni let out a humourless laugh, “You don’t know. Of course you don’t. Actually, no, I think you do. You do and yet you’d rather lie about it. I’m not an idiot, I can see right f*cking through you.”

He looked to the ground, “I couldn’t leave you there.”

“Why?!” Her voice was confused and desperate. “It would have been so easy for both of us for you to leave me there! Why do you pretend to hate me?! And don’t say you don’t! I know you wear that stupid grin like a d*mn mask!”

“It’s not that simple-”

“YES IT IS!” she screamed, rising to her feet as the blanket fell. “I’ll spell it out for you! You liked being my friend, but some part of you is too much of a coward to admit that! So instead of actually being happy, you’d rather destroy everything in front of you to avoid actually feeling like a human!”

She placed a hand on her chest, “I liked teaming up with you! For once I actually felt free here! And then you left me there! Like I was nothing!” Angry tears streamed down her cheeks as she furiously wiped them again. “You’d rather lie to yourself than accept something good in your life! F*ck you for that! I didn’t deserve that!”

“You didn’t,” Jax whispered.

Why was he doing that?! Pomni growled, fisting her palms into her hair in frustration, “What are you doing?! What are you gaining from this?!”

“I’m not gaining anything from this.”

“Just say what you said to me before! Please!” she cried. “Tell me you’d move on if I abstracted! Tell me that you coming in here was for a joke! Give me a reason to hate you!”

Something flickered in Jax’s eyes, “Do you want to hate me?”

“I should! I should hate you!” she snarled. “You left me there! Saying you didn’t care about me! Why did you leave me behind?! Life is already hard enough here for all of us! Even you! But no one ever does the stuff you do! God Zooble was right! I should have ignored you in the bar! I hate that I can’t move on after everything you said! But I’m still thinking about it! Why do I still care about it?! Why do I still care about you after all this time?!”

She wasn’t looking at him anymore. Pomni squeezed her eyes shut, “Why do people do that?! Why is it so easy to make someone feel so alone after everything they went through?! I’m tired of being alone! I’m tired of caring for people that aren’t here anymore! Why did that happen?! I still needed her.”

Her? What did she mean by that, “Pomni…”

Her blue and red eyes were suddenly wide, like a deer caught in headlights. She was trembling all over. From anger, fear, tears. Everything. 

She bared her teeth, shoving off her cardigan. Her scars fully on display, “Is this what you wanted?! You said you didn’t care so tell me! Is this what you wanted?!”

Jax looked down, the memory of last night still fresh in his mind.

“Look at me! Look at what you did to me!” she screamed.

The rabbit lifted his gaze to her, taking a few steps forward. His eyes directly focused on hers.

Pomni froze for a second. She didn’t know what to do or say. She didn’t know where all of her words came from, they were just…there. Maybe that had been all along. But the anger didn’t stop there.

She punched him in the chest. And again, and again, and again.

Jax didn’t stop her.

“You did this to me!” angry sobs ripped from her throat. 

She raised her fist once more. But this time, she let it fall.

Jax looked down, there was no more anger radiating from her. But she was still shaking. He brought his hand up, gently cupping the back of her head and letting it rest on his shoulder.

He could hear her quietly cry into his shoulder. “I-I’m sorry I…why did I say all that?”

“I deserved it,” he didn’t move his hand from her hair. He didn’t want to separate from her ever again.

The room was silent. Only soft sniffles and cries could be heard.

“The worst part is,” she spoke after a moment. “I don’t hate you…I liked being your friend.”

Liked.

Jax chose not to say anything else.