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Zoey skipped into Mira’s bedroom with a giddy smile on her face. The golden dress she wore swept the back of her knees as she twirled. Mira nods her approval of the look. Using the opportunity presented to her, she scans the younger girl from head to toe. Humming delightfully at the expanse of skin that shows off strong muscles in Zoey’s legs.
Though at the sight of a still pajama clad Mira, Zoey frowns. Her attention turns to the girls closet, where a similar colored dress hangs thoughtlessly on the door. “Why aren’t you dressed? We leave in like five minutes!”
“I’m not going,” Mira states. There’s finality in her tone, no use in arguing with her.
Zoey opens her mouth to argue. But Mira has never liked events, and usually skipped the non-mandatory ones. It wasn’t out of character for her. “Okay. I’ll miss you.”
“Save me a dance?” Mira watches how the question lights Zoey red. The inclination of being close, of feeling bare skin on skin, even made Mira’s own cheeks darken. She didn't mean to sound flirtatious but she wasn’t hearing any complaints either.
Playfully, Zoey winks before skipping out to meet with Rumi. Mira follows her, if only for the chance to see her other friend dressed up.
Rumi stands in the living room rummaging through her purse. She sighs, seemingly unable to find what she needed before her eyes move up to lock with Mira's.
“I see you’re staying home,” Rumi assesses.
Mira nods, taking in the silver floor length gown, cut outs shaped at the hips of Rumi’s body. A light blue and pink pulse of patterns illuminate her body and reflect off her dress.
Maybe Mira should go just to catch more of that glow.
“Not really my scene,” she insists.
Rumi doesn’t fight her on it either. Moving to simply wrap her arms around Mira’s neck, even if she had to tip toe to do so. “I’ll bring you back some cake.”
She doesn’t respond, instead relishing in the strong biceps flexing on her skin. The warmth of Rumi’s body had only grown when she revealed her half demon heritage and Mira found herself missing it as her friend pulled away.
And that was the end, as Rumi gushed over Zoey as they both rushed out the door.
Finding herself alone, Mira returns to her room. Lays back on her bed to stare at the smooth expanse of her ceiling. It’s still the standard white it was before she painted most of the walls a dark black.
Now there were certainly better ways to cope with the demons in her head, but she chose to play the loudest head banging music she could find. After all music had been the first way she’d ever been able to freely express herself. Often it was kept private and hidden for her dark times, though lately she’s been turning to it any chance she was given.
See, Mira battled many voices throughout her life. Her parents being the first. They were the most open with their distaste for her, directly calling her a mistake. Not once taking responsibility for the way woman she grew to be but instead blaming her for going against the mold. Then, of course, her many dance teachers picked her body apart until she had nothing to like about herself.
Mira was met with lots of hate, she still is. So she’s learnt to accept it, to cope with it. And those voices eventually became her own. Echoing back to her all the things that made her a disappointment. But it was easier that way. There’s comfort in hating herself for her existence because then it only makes sense why everyone would hate her. She’s cold and distant. She’s blunt and rude and boyish.
She’s undeserving of everything she has which has only made her that much more grateful for what she’s managed to keep.
Herself is one voice she battles, but Gwi-ma, the demon she calls him, is the other. Already susceptible to her own hatred, she has unconsciously left a door open for him. He pokes and probes at every insecurity she has.
It’s obvious what he wants. Gwi-ma wants her to turn on her family, the one she forged and fought for, so he could take the voices away. Not just his, but hers, and every voice that ever told her she wasn’t deserving of love. Or of safety.
He’s there now, trying to be heard over the music. She can feel him there, lurking. Waiting for a moment of quiet so he can scream all of his empty promises through her mind.
Closing her eyes she thinks of Rumi and Zoey. She’s never told them about the demon's intrusion, and she never intended to. Because once she told them of the horrors he whispers, she’ll have to explain why she never gave into them. Even the most powerful of Hunters have given into demon compulsion at times, just look at what happened during the Idol Awards.
The truth is far worse than anything she could admit outloud. There’s nothing Gwi-ma could say that Mira hadn’t already said about herself.
She knows she’s messed up in the head. She knows life would probably be better if she didn’t have one. She’s heard herself say stupid, useless, hard to love, in every way she could phrase it. The demon could be quiet, but her own mind couldn't. And she didn’t know what that knowledge of her self inflicted pain would do to her friends.
Those two very special people in her life that have their own battles didn’t need to fight hers too. Mira is already the friend they lean on to be stable and strong. She’s their protector. And if she can’t be that to them because of herself, she would be nothing.
The door to her room creaks open sometime later. A half hearted knock is heard as Rumi steps into her space. Had Mira really been sitting there for hours?
She only moves to turn the deafening music off. And to sit face to face with the older girl who climbs next to Mira on the bed.
She hands over a plastic box, presumably with the cake she promised. “Everything okay?”
Rumi knows her too well. And Mira curses her for it. But still she smiles, and pretends everything is fine. “Yes.”
“Okay. Zoey and I were going to watch a movie. Do you want to join?”
“No.” She does. But wallowing is easier, there’s less movement involved. Less people.
Rumi frowns, but doesn’t push her. Her fingers ghost lightly over Mira’s wrist. “If you change your mind, you know where to find us.”
There’s another promise there. Mira hears it in the slight cracking of her voice. She’s offering to be Mira’s support. Like Mira was weak and couldn’t handle this feeling herself.
She’ll just do what she always does, give herself the night to be sad. And then push so far down she forgets about it entirely. That is until the next night she’s alone and her mind makes puzzles out of her head.
The next morning she does exactly that. She wakes first, so Mira takes to making breakfast for everyone. A traditional American breakfast because Zoey had mentioned feeling homesick not too long ago.
Zoey slips out first, turtle slippers sticking to the floor. She smells the pancakes and comes bounding over, eyes wide like a begging dog. Mira laughs, adoring the wide eyes of her best friend. And like a dog, she tears a piece of a finished pancake off for Zoey to munch on.
The twin bunned girl jumps onto the counter beside her and kicks her feet lightly in the cabinets. “Good morning, Mira!”
“Morning, baby.” Mira’s voice is hoarse from lack of use. But she doesn’t mind, Zoey seems to like it, as she sits there frozen and red. Mira like it too much to consider her laughable.
Rumi steps into the kitchen, breaking Zoey from her stupor. The former girl wraps strong arms around Mira’s waist and smashes her cheek into her back. Groans of gibberish leave Rumi’s mouth, she’s never been much of a morning person.
Mira doesn’t allow herself to sink into the touch, as she so wished she could. But the voice was back, the one that sounded like her own. You’re too hard to love. Spare her the heartache and end it now.
The demon only agreed. I could give you the love you deserve.
She shakes the thought away, she doesn’t deserve love at all. So she listens to herself. Using the excuse to hand Rumi her morning coffee, Mira pulls away. Her back now cold and body in need.
It doesn’t stun Rumi, if anything she uses the excuse to turn into Zoey and stuff her head into the smaller girl's chest. The coffee is placed dangerously close to the edge of the counter.
It’s endearing. And the feelings swirling in Mira’s chest at the sight are far too complicated to unravel right then. So she plates them each pancakes and eggs, and grabs the special syrup Zoey’s parents had sent them in a care package to put on the table. The girls follow and sit around the table for once in their adulthood, and eat silently. It had been a long night for all of them, in different ways. Any event always socially drained Rumi, and Zoey exceeded her energy levels constantly. And Mira, she didn’t really need to explain it.
“Let’s head to the bath house today.” Mira suggests. Always thinking of her girls and how she could help them.
Zoey squeaks, excited to return to arguably her favorite place in the world. Rumi just nods from where her head is placed in her hand. Mira smiles at the sight of them, content and peaceful.
Since the creation of the new Honmoon they hadn’t had many disturbances from demons, which had been a nice change of pace for all of them.
But I’m still here, the demon reminds her. And he’s right, of course. The new Honmoon wasn’t perfect, it had its flaws, just like the hunters who created it. That meant Gwi-ma’s voice could still poke through, still make deals, and get stronger with new souls the girls couldn’t save in time.
It’s why Mira had dived so hard into training in the weeks following the Idol awards. His persuasion was ever present, and Mira is reminded constantly of this simple fact.
She’s broken from her thoughts by Zoey, who tugs on her arm with glassy eyes. “Do you want to get ready now?”
Mira nods, and even though they scrub down when they get there, they all go to shower respectively.
Mira goes first, as she always does. The cold water hits her skin in icy bursts. It’s better for her skin anyway, besides Zoey likes her showers burning, and Mira doesn’t mind using the colder water while she waits for it to heat up. It became routine for them, and at this point what did Mira care?
After all, she has bigger problems to worry about. Like how as she lathered the soap on her body, it expands. Her fingers slip and fumble against her skin, not knowing how far it reaches as it grows and fills up the small space.
First her fingers ghost over her stomach, feeling the solid body in one place, but the sight of skin forming over her hand replaces the truth. Her arms fill with lead the longer she stares at them, and the weight drags her down, down. Until her butt hits the floor of the shower and pulls her knees to her chest. Letting the freezing water smack into her skin like pellets of hail.
She’s not sure how long she caves into her body. She knows she’s trying to ball up, take up as little space as she could even though her mind kept rounding out her knees until they suffocated her.
But she’s knocked back into reality when Zoey knocks on the door. Mira only knows it’s the you ger girl by her voice. “Are you okay? You’ve been in there longer than usual.”
Mira coughs so her voice doesn’t waiver when she yells back, “Yeah. I’m finishing up.”
It’s not the most monotone Mira she’s ever sounded. But it was good enough that Zoey left her alone. She shut off the water, her skin cooling instantly in the air despite already being cold.
When she steps out of the bathroom, she doesn’t make eye contact with Zoey. Instead returning to her room to ensure she was well packed for their trip.
The bath house isn’t empty, but Rumi had booked them a private suite. Despite her acceptance of her patterns, she still preferred to expose herself only to the other hunters.
Mira agreed. While her reasons differed slightly, it was better they soak privately. She just can’t handle the thought of other people oogling what is hers. Even though they didn’t know this about themselves, Mira still felt it her duty to keep them from prying eyes.
The water is delightfully warm as she slips into it. Trying not to think about all the angles of her body was much easier with two beautiful women to distract herself. While she also knew that prying eyes meant her own, she allowed them to stray and watch each girl slip into the water with her. Enjoying the way Rumi’s patterns glow and Zoey moans, sinking deeper until her chin hits the water.
When Mira chances a glance to Rumi, she notices their leader is blushing pink at the sound. A soft chuckle escapes her, apparently she’s not the only one with wandering eyes.
When her brown eyes stray to Mira’s, the patterns on her skin change to a soft, glowing pink. And Mira feels herself smile, she can’t be imagining it.
Rumi doesn’t want you, she’s embarrassed for you. No one could love you, Mira. You’re too brash.
This time her own voice echoes in her head.
It’s right of course. Rumi being in love with their counterpart meant nothing about her feelings for Mira. She’d be damned if she let her own feelings ruin what she’s already built with the other hunters.
She’s just repeating what she already knows. The same words she hears herself say every day, looking into her own warped reflection.
Her eyes filter away to the water, where Zoey’s hands had taken to drawing patterns in rippling waves. Her smile dims but stays present. Maybe she can’t have her girls, but she can still love them.
“Do you think I could blow bubbles in this?” Zoey asks, her lips close to the waters edge.
“Probably,” Rumi muses. “But do you want to? How often do they clean these things?”
Zoey pouts. “You know I never thought about it and I don’t really like the implications of that question, so I’m ignoring it.”
Mira finds herself laughing, a real laugh that’s unholstered by her thoughts. She can let this moment be good, as long as she keeps her focus on them.
Mira lets her arm fall to the side of the tub, resting behind her leader. Rumi’s patterns flash pink again, but she thinks nothing of it. Before she’d outed herself, touch was as foreign to her as hamburgers were to Mira, before meeting Zoey. But everyone knew that Rumi craved it, so Mira allowed Rumi to lean into her side and tried to keep her thoughts from straying to Rumi’s skin.
As they sit there, flushed together, Zoey crawls over too. She rests her head on Mira’s shoulder, and takes hold of her free hand under the water with both of her own. They rest gently on her bare thigh.
With their touch as confidence, Mira strokes Rumi’s shoulder right where it meets her neck. She digs her thumb into the skin, not to hurt but to feel. The sensation causes Rumi to purr, leaving Mira’s chest to rumble where their bodies meet.
By this point she’s sure she’s as pink as her hair. But they're happy, and they're calm, and Mira allows herself to have this. Even if it’s just for the moment, she lets herself soak in the physical presence of not only her friends, but her family, and the two people she adores most in the world.
“I wish I could be glued to you, Mira,” Zoey whispers. She turns her head to speak into her neck. “I love getting to hold you like this.”
When a gentle wetness meets her skin, it takes several seconds to realize she’d just had Zoey's lips to her neck. Zoey's lips… to her neck. Wasn’t that a kiss? Surely it was only friendly. Zoey can’t love Mira the way she loves her, Zoey doesn’t deserve to be attached to someone so dirty and negative.
Maybe she took too long to answer, or maybe Zoey felt bad, but she began to pull away. Mira can’t let that happen. If she allowed Zoey to believe she’s done something wrong she would be unable to live with herself. Mira would allow Zoey to push her into a ditch and then skateboard over her body if it meant keeping her happy.
So she quickly removed Zoey’s hands from hers, and pushed Zoey's head back into her neck before she could work herself into a sad mood. She feels Zoey's lips lift into a smile, and allows herself to settle. Her girl is happy.
She doesn’t miss how Rumi watched this whole exchange. There’s a gleam of something Mira had never seen dancing in her eyes. Was she jealous because Mira had taken Zoey from her? Should she tell Rumi she’d never dream of stealing her away? All Mira wants is their happiness and to give it to them.
She hears herself ask herself, But how can you give them something you can never have? And she’s right. She can’t make them happy if all she is a downer on their lives.
Before she could leave, though, Rumi is peppering her own kisses across Mira's neck. It’s the nicest touch Mira’s ever received. The longer she allows it to happen, the more she memorizes. The curve of Rumi’s back as she presses further into Mira. The soft giggles that erupt from Zoey as the two girls join hands in Mira's lap.
Knowing their touch will only fuel her fantasies once this ends. When this moment is over, and they're back to their right minds, and Mira is alone, she’ll replay this moment until it’s burned into the back of her eyelids.
All good things end. Mira tries not to think about this as Zoey moves her kisses from her neck to her cheek.
If they keep going they should really leave the bath house. Something about such an intimate moment happening here just felt blasphemous to Mira. Just another reason she was no good. She couldn’t even respect a sacred place she visited so often in her life.
Rumi pulls back first. She illuminates the water, literally glowing with the love she’d laid on Mira. When their hands disconnect, Zoey pulls back as well. Both of them leave her skin, panting. All three of them stare at each other. The reality of their actions hits Zoey first, who splashes as she jumps about. “Oh my honmoon! I actually did that.”
“Yeah,” Mira’s voice left her less like a word and more like a breath.
Rumi grins. “That was eventful. Should we talk about it?”
Zoey is nodding, and Mira thinks she is too, but she’s not too sure. Her vision is getting blurry. Maybe it’s the heat. Or the new touch. Or all of it.
She’s overwhelmed, and soon she’s slumped into Zoey’s shoulder, unconscious. The poor girl does her best to keep her above the water, and with wide eyes waits for Rumi to fix it.
Mira wakes alone, in a bed. But not hers, the white ceiling is familiar, so she knows she’s home.
You’re weak. She tells herself. You get exactly what you want and you ruin it. That’s why you don’t get good things. “Because I ruin them.”
“What did you ruin?”
Mira yelps at the sudden appearance of Rumi. The cloud of pink smoke disperses around her pajama clad body. How long had she been out for?
Her voice suddenly fails her, and Mira is choked up on the words she never wanted anyone to hear. To avoid this a little longer, she looks away from Rumi, only to find Zoey creeping in from the door, like a normal person. She can’t escape this, whatever it is. But it feels like rejection and she honestly doesn’t have her full brain cells to comprehend that right now. Mira pulls the blanket up over her head, and hopes they’ll get the hint to leave her alone.
Then she feels the side of the bed Rumi was on dip, and a hand places itself on her forehead. “Mira, you really scared us. Can you at least tell me what happened? We hadn’t meant to do anything that would upset you.”
They thought she was upset with them. She would never be upset with them, she'd do anything for them. In an instant she was sitting up and grabbing Rumi’s hands.
“I’m not upset with you,” she looks behind her, at Zoey, “either of you.”
Zoey takes this as permission to crawl behind her, hugging her waist while her chin poked into her shoulder.
Mira shakes her head. They allow her the silence to find her words. “I could never be upset with you. I’m so sorry. I- I-” the words are so close to the front of her mouth. She can shape them, but she can’t say them. You’ll lose them if you tell them the truth. She pushes herself away from both of them, off of the bed and out. Out of their hold and out of their room.
Her voice is loud and angry, carrying through the penthouse, “I can’t!”
She’s not sure if she’s talking to them or herself. It doesn’t matter, because when she slams the door behind her, she’s alone again. Her and her thoughts and she ignores the muffled cries she leaves behind.
Mira leaves the pent house completely. Jogging in the dark of night in nothing but her sleep shorts and a tank top. But she can protect herself, she can’t protect them, not from herself. It’s better that she left. They’re better off now that she's left.
Street lights flicker with her shadow as she passes by them. She’s deep in the city now, running down side streets and alley ways to not be seen.
The next one she turns down is a dead end. She falls to her knees, loose gravel digging into her skin, in front of the concrete wall. She wails into the open night air.
Her voice filling the empty space around her.
“His words could never bring me down
He takes them right from my mouth
A monster living in my bones
It promised to take me home
But he didn’t bring me to you
Lost in lands of fire and gold
Hating myself feeds his soul
I’ve lost it all on my own
I wont ask you to save me now
There’s nothing left to quiet the sound
I wear my pain like a crown
That you can’t see
So the only one I hurt is me
I’m just fine
I’ve blown it out of proportion again
Please don’t mind
My voluntary social homicide
I don’t hear his voice inside my head
But I hear much more than I’ll confess
I’m strong so I except nothing less
My protection of you a promise
So I can’t let out my own darkness.”
Nothing but the truth disturbs the silence around her. And she cries in the dead chill of night. No one can hear her here, no one will find her.
She curls in on herself, the smaller she can be the harder she is to find, and sits in her self pity. It’s disgusting. She can’t even face her own emotions, she’s worthless.
You’re nobody. But I can make you somebody.
Gwi-ma's voice makes her laugh. She chokes on the sound, letting it turn into sobs. Mira already brought herself so low that death would be better than losing the life she had. Why take a deal to continue it?
Because the demon is desperate. He needs her, which strangely brings Mira comfort. At least as she freezes in a dark alley way, the only place fitting for her death, she can still help the Hunters and their mission.
Mira will never give into Gwi-ma now. And at least she’ll have one good thing to carry into whatever afterlife takes her.
She doesn’t realize she’s shaking until a jacket is placed over her frame. Including two pairs of arms that wrap around her. One of which moves along her arms to create a heated friction. Mira can’t tell who is who or where one body begins and ends, but she follows these two angels into their warmth.
A tingling sensation stretches into each of her limbs. Her body warping and wrapping in unnatural ways that she’d only imagined before. But then shems back on the softness of a familiar bed.
Didn’t they know she didn’t deserve to be here.
After adjusting to the light, she sees the two worried faces of her fellow Hunters. Their faces streaked with tears as they wait for her to explain. She doesn’t.
Zoey reaches out to her, arms hovering in the air between them. Her limbs shake with indecision as she sways between touching her or not. Mira wished she could give her an answer, but she can’t. So she closes her eyes so she doesn’t have to see the pain she caused them.
She was never supposed to hurt them. But you did. “I know!” She cries. Her head slumps into her lap as she cries. “I know, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this. You deserve better than me! I’m sorry!”
This time Zoey doesn’t hesitate, swallowing her in her arms. “Mira no! There’s no reason to be sorry.”
“We’re sorry for pushing you.” Rumi insists, joining the hug.
Mira shook her head. No. They’re not supposed to feel bad for her or comfort her. That’s her job! She’s failed. “I failed you. I hurt you.”
Rumi cuts in with her insight. “Mira, you haven’t failed us. No one is hurt, we’re confused. Why wouldn’t you tell us what was going on?”
Mira can’t bring herself to say it. Can’t confess that she’s unworthy like she’s confessing to her countless sins. She knows the girls will refute her anyway, so how could she trust them to be truthful.
Tears spill onto her bare skin as Zoey sobs. “I thought we were going to lose you! I can’t lose you Mira, I love you so much. You can’t leave me until you know how much I love you.”
Her chest begins to rack with her own sobs. She’s lying. She doesn’t love you. Mira places her hand over her ears, but it doesn’t stop her brain from speaking its mind. No one could love something as damaged as you.
“Shut up!” She screams. Her legs kicking out as she presses harder into her skull. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!”
I can make the voices go away. Gwi-ma promises.
The girls pull away from her. Zoey is still crying. She can’t take it. It’s all too much, she screams nonsense and she cries. She cries because there's too much pressure on her chest, there's some invisible force crushing her lungs. She hiccups between sobs. She looks pathetic, she can only imagine. Her two Hunters watching their strong protector break over something so trivial.
“Please make it stop,” she begs, but not to Gwi-ma. To Rumi. To Zoey. To the fucking Honmoon. “I can’t- I- I can’t-” a hiccup interrupts her.
Rumi is on top of her. Skin glowing a worried blue and her demon purple pokes through. Fangs snarl down at her but one worried gold eye trails Mira as she thrashes beneath her.
“Mira, it’s okay. I’m here. Zoey’s here. You can let us help you.”
Zoey crawls back next to Mira as Rumi lets her weight fall onto her. Zoey wraps them both in her arms and hums a soothing melody.
She’s broken and they’re still here. She’s damaged and they still want her.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbles and gives into her exhaustion.
She wakes up cuddled between two beautiful girls. Not dissimilar to how they’d wake when they first learned about Rumi. They’d huddle around her too, on hard nights just like that one.
Mira blinks the sleep from her mind so she can grasp the reality of the night. As long as it had been, she’s glad they know now. Her mind rests with the truth physically in her arms.
She can be hurting and loved at the same time.
Mira presses kisses into Rumi’s shoulder, and across Zoey’s freckles. “I love you, girls.”
Zoey smiles, mumbling as she pushes closer to Mira.
Rumi opens her eyes, not allowing Mira to escape this time. “I love you, beautiful.”
For once, Mira believes the truth in front of her and not the dancing voices she’s grown to trust.