Work Text:
“I think I should start looking for a boyfriend.”
“Huh?!”
The rest of Leo/need stopped dead in their tracks, just about ready to finish gathering their instruments. They stared at Saki, who wore a neutral expression on her face.
“I mean, all girls our age have boyfriends, right? Or are at least interested in someone. I haven’t experienced that yet, and I want to see what it’s like…”
The other three girls shot each other worried glances. This was sudden and not very Saki-like, compared to all of the other ideas the girl usually got.
“That’s great, Saki-chan,” said Honami, “but may I ask what made you think of this?”
“Yeah, I mean… It’s pretty sudden. Did something happen?” added Ichika, as she slid the guitar case off her shoulder.
“No, no, nothing happened! As I said before, I noticed that many of our friends are either dating or pursuing a boy. How am I supposed to live my youth to the fullest if I don’t date at least one boy in the entirety of my teenage years?” Saki tried defending herself, waving her hands, but something about her mannerisms seemed odd.
“You know you don’t have to date a boy in order to ‘live your youth’, right? There are far more interesting things to do with your time than dating boys… But do whatever you think is best for you, Saki” said Shiho from across the room, ready to hit pause on NeedLe and finish off their practice for the day.
They all said their goodbyes to Miku and the others and went to their respective homes.
While getting ready for bed that night, Saki took a hard look at herself in her mirror. Growing up, she hadn’t actively thought about getting a boyfriend, albeit her main focus was on getting better and catching up on lost time with her friends. But now...? All the popular girls at school talked about their upcoming dates, the boys they liked, shared pictures of said dates with each other… It was crystal clear that she was missing out on core moments of girlhood, and if she wanted to truly make up for lost time, she had to find a date.
In another corner of Shibuya, not too far from Saki, Ichika was lying on her bed, unable to sleep. What Saki had said that day during practice made her worry for her friend’s well-being. It was fine if Saki wanted to find a boyfriend, that wasn’t the issue… (it wasn’t, right?). The issue was in her friend’s reasons to find one, those being to ‘live her youth to the fullest’. Ichika understood the sentiment, she really did… (did she?), but what she wanted to show Saki is that she didn’t need some uninteresting, average-looking boy in order to live her teenage years to the fullest. She could do just that, but with her friends! If Saki were to find a boyfriend, Ichika would have to make peace with it, but she at least wanted to know that she tried helping her friend out by presenting her with all the alternatives possible.
She wasn’t being selfish, right?...
Honami let out a heavy sigh as she finished up her skincare routine, which consisted only of some facewash and gentle moisturizer. As she climbed into bed, she couldn’t help but think back on what Saki had said that day, about wanting to find a boyfriend. She would be more than happy if their cheerful friend would one day introduce the others to a romantic partner of hers. What was causing Honami to be restless was the thought of Saki putting herself through the dating process, just to fit in with the popular girls at school. The future leader had never heard Saki talk about wanting to romantically pursue a boy or even being interested in dating culture, so this was all very sudden and new. Had Saki been teased at school by others? Was she being made fun of for always hanging out with her childhood friends? They were attending an all-girls’ school, so there was no way those around her could come up with strange rumors when Saki had no other option but to be around girls, but one never knows…
After some tossing and turning, Honami finally managed to fall asleep. She was wishing nothing but the best for Saki, and hoped she would find a nice boy who would treat her nicely, but she still couldn’t help but worry that this wasn’t what their friend truly wanted.
Was she being too worrisome?
As the digital clock on their nightstand showed 1:00, Shiho decided that they should try to get some sleep, finally putting their bass down and lying in bed. They tried to get their mind off Saki’s plan to make the most out of her teenage years by finding a boyfriend.
“Who am I to tell Saki what to do with her life? She’s put in so much effort to get discharged and live a normal life, what right do I have to dictate her romantic choices?”.
But, deep down, Shiho knew their worries for Saki didn’t come from a place of pettiness. Thinking about her perspective on what dating someone should mean, the bassist couldn’t help but be reminded of their own struggles with their romantic orientation.
Besides being ostracized by their peers and choosing to self-isolate as a defense mechanism, Shiho also felt like they were falling behind by not participating in “girl talk”, or feeling any sort of interest towards any boy. They didn’t even feel like a girl fully, but that was a completely different story. They remembered how it felt like they had to find a boyfriend at some point but dreaded the feeling of actually engaging in such romantic relationships, how they only wanted a boyfriend in order to prove something, although they weren’t sure quite exactly what (maybe that they could be a regular ‘girl’, like everyone else).
Shiho also remembered how they felt towards their childhood friends. How no matter the amount of times they fought with Saki, they would always make up by the end of the day. How they secretly found Ichika’s obsession with Miku adorable, and would attentively listen whenever she would tell their friend group what new song she had stumbled across. How careful Honami had always been with all four of them, always tending to their scratches and, at the end of the day, she would tell them stories about the stars above them.
Deep down, Shiho always knew that they were fully committed to their friends, that they could never feel truly fulfilled if they didn’t spend every lasting second near them. Despite the years of isolation during middle school, Shiho kept hoping that one day they could reconcile with their friends without hurting them. And now, when they had their own band and were ready to go pro and debut, they knew that they couldn’t be happier with anyone else.
Comparing their own train of thought with Saki’s, the first idea that came to Shiho’s mind was that maybe, just maybe, Saki was going through the same thing they had. Judging by her words only, it seemed that the only thing the girl wanted to pursue was the experience teenage girls were supposed to have. She didn’t seem actually excited or interested in the theoretical dating of a boy, and her expression clearly gave that away.
“I shouldn’t be intruding like this in Saki’s life. Maybe she’s not like this, and I’m in no place to tell her what she should or shouldn’t do with her free time.”
“Guess who has a date this weekend!” Saki exclaimed while walking into the classroom, where the others were waiting for her.
Silence.
“W-who does?” Honami tried to put on a smile, but she was visibly failing to do so.
“I do! I asked onii-chan to set me up with one of his friends from school, and he did! I trust his judgment since he’s told me about his classmates before, and they all sound nice. Aren’t you all excited?!”
The other three looked at each other in shock, clearly not expecting Saki to go through with her plan. Again, they all try to smile and be happy for their friend, but something still doesn’t seem quite right.
“I’m so happy for you, Saki,” said Ichika, trying to mask her disappointment. “I hope you’ll have a wonderful time. Make sure to let us know how it goes.”
The blonde jumps to her feet and tackles Ichika and Honami into a hug, giggling and thanking them for their well-wishes. She then looks at Shiho, who was leaning back on a table, deep in thought.
“What about you, Shiho-chan? Aren’t you happy for your best friend?” Saki gave them her best puppy eyes, pretending to be offended.
A sigh.
“...Just don’t get hurt, okay?”
That Saturday, Saki wore her usual elegant outfit and colorful makeup. Although she was meeting with someone new, she still wanted to look like herself! After one last look in the mirror, she headed towards the cafe where she and Tsukasa’s friend were supposed to meet at.
Her older brother had shown her pictures of him before, so she quickly recognized him, sitting at a table by the window. She walked over and introduced herself.
“Oh, Saki-san! It’s so nice to meet you. Tsukasa-kun has told me great things about you. You can call me Aoto, there is no need for formalities since we are the same age and not at school.”
“Alright, then! Nice to meet you, Aoto! Onii-chan has told me great things about you, too, so I’m very happy we get to meet.”
The boy smiled at Saki and gestured for her to sit down, while passing her a menu. Saki skimmed over it quickly, although already having her order in mind.
After a few short minutes, her date speaks out.
“Shall we order? I already know what I’d like to have. I can just go ahead and order for us both.”
“Sure! Just get me a regular iced coffee. Thank you so much, Aoto!”
Alright, so far so good, Saki thought to herself. The boy seems nice and is well-mannered. She doesn’t feel the typical butterflies in her stomach, nor can she feel herself blushing, but they have barely met. Maybe it would take some time for her to catch feelings? She should just wait until he comes back, so they can talk more.
Oh, here he comes! Is he holding… two apple pies?
“Sorry for the wait. They had some apple pies on display, so I thought I should get them for us to snack on. I hope you don’t mind.”
Saki blinked and then smiled from ear to ear, as she got reminded of a dear friend.
“What a coincidence! One of my best friends, her name is Honami, loves apple pies! She always bakes them for me and my other friends, they’re delicious.”
The pair starts eating their desserts in silence, enjoying the flavor.
“So, are these apple pies as good as your friend’s?” Aoto said, trying to hint back at what Saki had previously said, hoping to spark a conversation.
“They’re nice,” Saki hummed, “but no apple pie will compare to those of Hona-chan! She loves cooking in general, and every time she makes us curry, she remembers our preferences and cooks each portion accordingly. We usually eat whatever she prepares for us when we’re finished with band practice.”
“You’re in a band? That’s so cool!” the boy exclaimed enthusiastically. “What is your role?”
“I’m the keyboardist! I’ve played the piano since I was little, and I struggle a little to adjust to the keyboard, but I’m managing. Honami is the drummer of our band! She’s so talented and always tries her best to do well, it’s so adorable. From all that drumming and all the intense practice sessions her arms have gotten so strong! I never expected that from Hona-chan, she’s always been so soft to hug!”
Saki spent the next few minutes talking non-stop about Honami; how she always looked out for them, ever since they were little. Her passion for space, and how that turned into her friend group’s habit of stargazing whenever the weather was optimal. Honami’s playfulness and how she always indulged in Saki’s whining, even when it might have come across as childish to others.
If she had to be honest, Saki couldn’t tell her friends that the date was memorable. They touched on some interesting subjects, such as their appreciation for fashion, but the girl didn’t seem to feel anything other than polite and friendly interest. The two had agreed that they would talk later to meet again when their schedules allowed, but Aoto hadn’t messaged Saki in a few days. She only noticed when Ichika had pointed it out, when asking about her date during a practice break.
“Did you at least have fun?” Shiho asked, with a pettiness they failed to fully conceal.
“Hmmm… I mean, he was nice to talk to… but I wouldn’t say I’d necessarily go on a second date with him.”
“Still… I’m flattered that you talked to him so much about us, Saki,” added Honami.
Shiho teased, “She only did that when he brought the apple pies, though.”
“Shiho-chan!”
The room filled with laughter, but Saki was pensive now. Her first date had failed, even when she had such high expectations and tried really hard to be interesting. Maybe she had talked too much about her friends…? Of course, it must have been that! Everyone knows that you don’t talk intensively about other people on first dates! She’d have to ask Tsukasa to deliver her apologies to Aoto and, if possible, find her another guy to go on a date with.
A few days later, when Saki announced that she was going on another date, everyone was once again quiet. Except for Ichika, who wanted to show unconditional support to her dear friend.
“That’s great news, Saki. What’s his name? Does your brother know him?”
“His name is Junichi! Tsukasa said he is a very calm person, so I might have to tone down some of my energy.”
“Why would you tone down your personality for someone? He’s some random guy, you don't even know him yet!” protested Shiho, visibly annoyed by now.
“It’s okay, Shiho-chan! Besides, I should maybe calm down sometimes if I don't want to scare any boys off,” Saki tried to defend herself, but deep down feeling upset at the idea that her future boyfriend might not like her for her true self.
But alas, all her friends gave her their blessings, so Saki was on her way to meet up with her new date. “This time, it will be different,” she told herself. “I won't start rambling about Hona-chan or about our band. I’ll talk to him either about his own interests or mine, no more tangents.”
Meeting up with Junichi, they both introduced themselves.
“Shall we go for a walk, Saki? I know some pretty nice spots around Shibuya.”
As they made their way towards said spots, Junichi made small talk, answering all of Saki’s scripted questions on what his hobbies are, what he’s looking for in a partner. Skimming through her mental checklist, Saki thought that, so far, she had met all the general requirements a ‘good’ girlfriend should, so this date stood chances to be a successful one.
A few minutes later, the pair found themselves at the botanical garden of Shibuya.
“Junichi-kun, I didn’t know you liked plants!”
“Oh, I definitely do,” said the boy, as he paid for both of their entrance tickets. “I’ve been passionate about them ever since I was little. Do you have any specific flowers you like, Saki?”
Saki’s face lit up. “No, I don’t, but a close friend does! Her name is Ichika, she’s my bandmate! She loves caring for cacti.”
“You play in a band? That’s really cool,” Junichi was invested in what Saki was telling him.
“Yes! Me and my childhood friends formed a band together. Icchan has always loved plants, as I said! She’s also really into Hatsune Miku, we usually sing covers of her songs. Icchan is also the guitarist, vocalist, and front-woman of our band! She’s extremely talented, you should come see us play sometime! She looks extremely cool on stage, she’s totally different from what she’s like when we’re not playing!”
“Oh, really? What is she like, then?” Junichi said awkwardly, hoping the topic would, eventually, move back to Saki herself.
“She can be such a nerd sometimes, especially when it comes to her interests. But she’s always a very hard worker, going above and beyond not only with her playing, but also with her lyrics!”
Only later that night did Saki realize that, once again, she had started gushing about her friends to the boy she was supposed to be on a date with. Frustrated with herself, she sighed and buried her face in her pillow.
“I don’t understand, why do I keep doing this? It’s not like I’m purposefully trying to talk to them about Icchan, or Hona-chan, or Shiho-chan… It just always slips out whenever something is mentioned that vaguely reminds me of them,” Saki moves the pillow away from her.
“Am I the problem?”
“I’m gonna give this ‘dating’ thing one last try, and if it doesn’t work out this time, I am done.”
“About time,” yelled Shiho from the other side of the room, while plugging their bass out of the AMP.
“Shiho-chan, don’t be like that!” protested Honami, fighting back her own amused reaction. “Saki-chan, I hope things will work out in your favor and that you’ll find someone who treats you well.”
“That’s right,” Ichika patted Saki on the shoulder, “and if all else fails, you’ve got us. We might not be the boyfriend you want, but we can still offer you the youth experience you’re looking for.”
Saki looked her friend in the eyes, and while she could see Ichika’s utmost support, she couldn’t help but notice the tinge of sadness reflected in them. Almost as if her wishes were actually directed towards something else… But she must be imagining things. Her best friend would never be jealous of her.
As they all packed their things and were ready to leave, Shiho, all of a sudden, grabbed Saki’s sleeve.
“Eh?!”
“Can I… talk to you for a second?”
“Oh, so now you wanna talk!” said Saki with faked sulkiness, but still unable to hide her smile. “What’s up?”
Shiho looked around, making sure that the other two and the Virtual Singers had left the room.
“I don’t know what you’re doing this whole… dating thing for, or what exactly you’re trying to achieve. It’s your life, I’m not going to dictate what you can or can’t do. But…just promise me that you’re staying true to yourself and you won’t get hurt,” they let go of Saki’s cardigan. “That’s all I wanted to say.”
As the bassist turned around and disappeared back to the real world, Saki remained confused. What had gotten into all of her friends?! They were all acting strange around her, almost overprotective, as if she was doing something wrong. Was she, really? Don’t all girls their age go on dates and find their perfect match?
Sighing, she pressed pause on NeedLe as well, preparing herself for what she knew would be another night of worries and restlessness.
That Sunday, Saki was ready to stick to her plan. “If this date fails too, then I’ll stop trying for now. There’s no use if I always end up ruining it.”
She was supposed to meet Tsukasa’s friend outside the mall, having arranged for a shopping date with a boy named Ryo. Tsukasa had shown her pictures of him, so she knew how to spot him in the crowd.
As the two walked through the mall, window shopping and making small talk over their schoolwork and interests, they happened to pass by an instrument shop. Ryo suddenly stopped, skimming through their stock all the way from outside.
“Saki-san, do you mind if I go in? I’ll be quick, I just need to get something.”
“Of course not!” Saki shook her head, “I’ll come with! I’ve never been to this store before, I want to see what they carry.”
As the blonde admired the synthesizers and pianos the store had in stock, Ryo had already bought what he was looking for, so he approached Saki. She shot him a quick glance, but then got distracted by what he was holding. Were those…bass strings?
“Alright, I’m done. Is there anywhere you wanna go next, Saki-san?”
“Ryo!” the girl gasped. “Do you play bass?”
“Oh, yeah, I do. Just occasionally, though. I’m not that serious about it, I just picked it up as a fun hobby.”
Saki’s energy was suddenly through the roof. “My friend Shiho-chan also plays bass! They’re the bassist of our band!”
“You have a band? That’s really cool.”
“Yeah! My childhood friends and I decided to form a band together. Shiho-chan is so cool, they’ve been playing bass ever since they were young. They’re aiming to go pro one day. Maybe you two should meet!” Then, Saki paused for a second. “Actually, it takes them a while to take a liking to new people. I wouldn’t want to put them in an uncomfortable position…but you have to believe me, they’re the coolest person you’d ever meet!”
Once again, Saki had gone off track and started rambling to her date about her childhood friends. That night, as she was removing her makeup and getting ready for bed, she took a good look at herself in the mirror. There must be something she was doing wrong. Why did she always, somehow, circle back to how close she was to Ichika, Honami, and Shiho? Why did the smallest things trigger her tangents, and why did she feel like those moments were the only interesting ones out of all the hours she spent with those boys?
Saki felt as if she had no girlfriend to talk to about this. Her closest friends were focusing on their careers and work, and her classmates…they were nice, but she didn’t know how they would react to her feelings. What if what she was experiencing was, in fact, weird? What if there was something wrong, something which needed to be fixed ?
As she stared off into space, she decided to confide in none other than one of her childhood friends, whom she knew could never judge her for her feelings. She’d ask Honami for help after practice.
“Hmm, that does sound unpleasant, Saki-chan. I’m sorry it’s been like this,” Honami sighed. “May I ask you something, though?”
Saki nodded.
“Did you…actually enjoy the time spent on your dates? Did you feel like you had fun, or did you feel exhausted after each of them?”
“Now that I think about it, I’m not quite sure,” the blonde hummed. “They were nice boys, and it was nice to talk to them. But, to be honest, I always ended up talking about you and the others, somehow.”
Honami smiled softly at her friend.
“That’s really sweet of you, Saki-chan.” She paused, carefully choosing her next words. “Let me put it differently. Why, exactly, do you want to find a boyfriend?”
Saki seemed taken aback by this, but took time to think about her answer. Why did she want to have a boyfriend in the first place?
“I feel that, if I don’t find a boy to date, I’ll just miss out on what every other girl is experiencing. I don’t think I actually want one, because thinking about settling down with a boy in the long run isn’t appealing to me at all, now that I think about it. The boys I went out with were fine, but I mostly liked them because they fit the description of the ‘ideal boyfriend’ some of my classmates keep talking about, so I thought that I might have hit the jackpot. I think that I just wanted to fit in with the rest of the girls…”
Honami let out a giggle and shook her head.
“Oh, Saki-chan, you can be so silly sometimes,” she said. “Say, have you ever heard the term ‘compulsory heterosexuality’?”
"No, I haven’t.”
“I think you should look into it a little, dear. I’m not saying that it will fix your entire situation, but I do think it might answer some of your concerns.”
As they hugged goodbye, Saki was deep in thought. If there was a coined term for what she was experiencing, does that mean other girls had gone through similar situations? Maybe she should look into it. Just maybe, she wasn’t as alone as she thought she might be.
Several days later, Saki asked Ichika to go have boba together after school.
“What is it that you wanted to tell me, Saki?”
Saki was fidgeting with the sleeves of her cardigan, anxious about the conversation she was about to have with her friend.
“Has Hona-chan told you and Shiho-chan about the talk I had with her a few days ago?”
Ichika paused for a second. “She did, yeah, but not too many details. She just said you opened up to her about some things. Did something happen?”
Saki took a deep breath.
“Well, Hona-chan introduced me to the concept of ‘compulsory heterosexuality’. I’ve read a lot of blog posts and articles about it, and it turns out that many of those things apply to me. It’s apparently something that some lesbians experience growing up, and especially in their teens.”
She paused for a second.
“I’m not sure what to make of it yet, but reading so in-depth about it made me realize some things. I don’t want to spend my adulthood with a boy; I want to spend it with you, and Hona-chan and Shiho-chan. I want the four of us to be together and continue living our youth to the fullest, singing on stage and having fun debriefs afterwards, only to start practice once again the next day. We’re still young and have all the time in the world to figure it out, and of course, maybe you will have other plans by the time we are adults… But, for now, I know that that’s what I want.” Saki blushed slightly. “Whether it’s as friends, or…something more, I’d like for all of us, in the future, to settle down together.”
When she looked up, Ichika’s cheeks were just as red as hers.
“Saki…” she lets out a sigh. “When I first heard about your plan of going on dates in order to find a boyfriend, I tried so hard to be happy for you, I really did. But I couldn’t shake off this uneasy feeling. I now realize I was jealous that you’d rather live your teenage years to the maximum with some boy, instead of with me and the others. I’d like that for us, too. For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be with the three of you, more than anything.”
Ichika looks up and suddenly notices Saki’s eyes getting wet.
“What I mean to say is… I’m happy that you feel the same, too. I want us to continue being together forever, all four of us.”
Saki reaches over the table and pulls Ichika into a tight hug, disregarding their drinks or the brief looks they’ve won themselves from other clients in the cafe. The brunette took a second to process the hug, but returned the affection softly.
“I wonder if Shiho-chan and Hona-chan feel the same… It would be weird for us to make these plans but for them to not want to follow through, right?”
Ichika giggled. “Don’t worry. Judging by the reactions they had to all of your antics, they at least dislike the idea of you having a boyfriend.”
“Eh?! What do you mean, Icchan?” Saki pulled away from the hug at once, in surprise.
“Did you seriously not notice how fussy Shiho acted every time you mentioned going on a new date?” She raised her brow, amused at her friend, who was still in shock. “And who was the one who suggested you look into comp-het? Do you think Honami would just casually mention it? She knows us better than we think.”
Saki went even redder and sat back down in her seat, covering her cheeks with her palms.
“Well, I’m glad at least they might want the same thing as us…” was all she managed to squeak out, through her embarrassment.
Ichika could only laugh once again, as she followed Saki and sat back down, too. She was so endeared by her friend’s oblivion, she couldn’t wait for her to have the same conversation with Shiho and Honami, and see their reactions too.