Chapter Text
CHAPTER 1 - So this is why...
Buck:
It’s going to be okay, Eddie. Chris loves you, no matter how angry he is. Just talk to him.
He read Buck’s message at least ten times already. God he misses him so much.
His fucking best friend, who helped him pack all of his stuff to go after Chris, to be with his son in El Paso, even if it meant to leave him behind. His best friend, who took the lease of the house so he didn’t have to worry about anything.
The man who has been there for everything, the good, the bad, and the crazy. Evan Buckley, the golden retriever who brings joy and happiness to every room he steps foot on.
He had been a steady presence in the Diaz's life since day one. Taking care of them in ways Eddie didn’t even know he needed.
Eddie would be lying if he said he didn’t notice the shared smiles, and late dinners, the movie nights, they were a freaking family, and he loved the feeling of home he got every time he saw Buck in his kitchen cooking food for them. He couldn’t ignore the way he was always there for Chris, just playing or doing homework, or just.. being with him, telling him he loved him so much. Being a father figure for him, a friend.
but more importantly, he couldn’t ignore the way he feels for him. The way he made him smile and laughed, the way he always put him first, how he made him feel he mattered, and the way he would get every time he promised him he was a good father to Chris, when he doubted himself. He was always rooting for him.
These weeks have been so difficult, without Buck next to him. Yes, they video chat and message all the time, but he needed the small touches and secret glances at work. He needed to see his smile at the random facts he was always so eager to share.
But he was also scared, he was still figuring himself out, he had layers and layers of guilt and shame and confusion. He’s still thinking of Father Brian words, to find his joy, to let himself feel joy. He knows now, he knows who his joy is, his joy is 6’2 foot, with blond hair and beautiful baby blue eyes but he can't- he can’t!
He still doesn't know why he can’t , he just knows he doesn’t want to ruin anything. He doesn’t want to lose him . He longs and wants, he has for such a long time now. Putting up excuses after excuses, for what?
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“Why do you let them talk to you like that?”
“what are you talking about, mijo?”
They were in Chris’ room, in his parents house. Dinner was awkward, terrible really. His parents didn’t let an opportunity go by without making him feel like shit, like a bad father, a disaster of a person. But Eddie was doing everything possible to maintain calm for his kid.
“They were awful to you, dad”
“It’s complicated Chris” Eddie said, sitting next to him in the bed, passing his hand over his face.
“I’m sorry, Dad” and his father looked at him, a little lost. “I shouldn't have called them. I guess now I understand why you hate this place so much. I’m starting to hate it too”
“Why? I thought you..”
“It’s just, grandma and grandpa have all these rules, I can’t really do anything without supervision. And now they don’t let me see some of the friends I made” Eddie looked at him in shock.
“I… okay, I’m not gonna lie to you, I really hate it here, I do. But Chris.. I came all the way down here to be with you mijo, because I messed up badly, and even if you hate me, I’m still your father and I want to be here for you. Chris I’m really sorry.” he told him, grabbing his son over the shoulders
“I don’t hate you, dad. I was just angry, because you lied to me and it hurt. And now… You said I could go home whenever I wanted. How am I supposed to do that now that you moved here?”
“You want to go home… to LA?”
“Yes, dad. LA is our home, my friends, my school, my hobbies, Buck… they are there and I miss them” Eddie hugged him, kissing his head.
“I miss them too, bud”
“So, when can we go back?” Chris asked him, hope written on his face
“How about tomorrow morning we set up a plan to make it happen?” Eddie said, smiling at him. Chris nodded enthusiastically and got up. “Can you help me pack? I really want to get outta here fast” Eddie laughed, tears threatening to fall.
“Why don’t you get to it, I need to talk to your grandmother”
“Okay. Hey, dad? I got your back no matter what” he said very seriously and the man nodded. As he made his way to the door Helena showed up and her eyes went fully open.
“Christopher, what are you doing?” she almost yelled, seeing the kid with a backpack on his hands. “What did you say to him, Eddie?”
“He is packing. We.. are going home to LA.” he said looking back at his son packing his clothes.
“NO he won’t. You can’t take him away” his mother said, her firm and cutting voice showing, trying to get in the room to stop the kid.
“Excuse me? He’s my son, you can’t just…”
“You aren’t fit to take care of him, Edmundo” his father was there suddenly and grabbed his arm, taking them to the living room, and Eddie just felt like a little kid again all the sudden.
“What do you mean I'm not fit? I’ve been doing this for years now” he said, shaking his father’s hand off once they were at the other room
“And look how that went. He has a life here, Eddie, friends, chess club…”
“He hates chess club, he only does it for you, to not disappoint you. And you’re doing to him the same thing you did to me, dictate his life. Well, let me tell you, I’ve had enough of that. I'm taking him home”
“You think you know what you are doing, but you are only hurting him, Eddie. You can’t force him to live the same lifestyle that you have, it’s wrong” his mother yelled.
“Same lifestyle? What are you talking about? All I’m doing is teaching him is that he has choices , that he can be whoever he wants to be, to go wherever he wants to go, because he can ”
“You were always so selfish, maldita sea Eddie” his father spats at him. ( “Goddammit, Eddie ”)
“Selfish? What are you even…?”
“It was bad enough that you went away to the army, having just married Shannon…”
“Wow, wow… you forced me to marry her, remember? Yes, I got her pregnant, but we…”
“It was the right thing to do, Edmundo. It's God's law…”
“Oh please, God 's law? Did you even think about what she wanted? Did it ever matter to you what I wanted? My entire life I’ve been trapped between what you wanted me to be and God’s law, what it’s right , but what about what I want?”
“You became a firefighter right?”
“I’m not even talking about that. Being a firefighter and being Chris’ father are the best things that ever happened to me and still don’t feel happy.. I don’t even…”
“Oh yes, but you can’t have what you want ,” his father said, furious.
“What are you talking about?”
“I should have known the moment you went to LA you’d be corrupted again” Helena said, looking disgusted at him. “You and the life you have, the people you frequent, the influences you let Chris be around with… what kind of example are you setting for him?”
“What influences.. what?” Eddie was looking at them, completely lost.
“Oh please, Eddie, do you think we don’t know what that friend of yours is? Evan?” his father says, annoyed.
“Buck? What does he have to do with any of this?”
“You let him stay with Chris long enough, he’s going to start doing things he’ll regret. He’s a good boy, we won’t let you corrupt him. It’s already been too long Edmundo, you’re confusing him"
“Corrupt him..? Wait, because Buck is bisexual? You.. are you serious right now? Being homophobic?”
“You are together, aren’t you? It’s disgusting Edmundo” his father spats at him and Eddie takes a step back from them.
“No, we aren’t… This isn’t-”
“I told you, he would never change, he turned him, that damn kid.. after all these years” his mother whispers to Ramon.
“Wait, what did you say? What kid?” Eddie looked at his father, hurt all over his face, his eyes so big, filling up with tears he was not going to let fall.
“Don’t play stupid Eddie, you know who!”
And suddenly, Eddie’s mind went to that moment, that summer , that first time he genuinely felt excitement, that day where those green eyes looked at him with so much love and care and happiness and he understood. Father Brian’s words came back to him, to let himself feel joy and… he understood, dammit !
“Mateo Rodriguez” he whispered. “You saw us, didn’t you? And what… you’ve hated me since then? I was 14 years old. You’ve made my life a fucking hell for the last 20 years because of that?” he yelled back.
“Don’t you keep that tone with me boy! Tienes que respetarnos, Edmundo!” his father warned him. (“ You have to respect us, Edmundo ”)
“¿Respetarlos? Are you kidding me, respect is a two-way street, you know? And you think you can raise my son? You want him to be like you, a homophobe?”
“Better than him being a fucking fag-!”
“SHUT UP” someone yelled; behind them was Chris, looking at them surprised and angry, god he looked so angry. “DONT YOU EVER TALK TO MY DAD LIKE THAT AGAIN” he said, dropping his bag on the floor.
“Christopher, go to your room, now” Helena told him in a cold voice.
“NO” and then Ramon was grabbing him by the arm trying to get him to leave, and in an instant Eddie yelled at him, to leave him alone and grabbing his father’s shoulder when Ramon turned and slapped Eddie in the face.
“DAD” Chris yelled when he saw his father falling backwards, hitting the table and placing a hand on his cheek, stunned. He was holding himself on the table with his other hand, preventing him from falling to the floor. “Dad, are you okay?” he asked Eddie, coming close to him. Eddie recovered quickly from his frozen position and looked at his son. He lifted his hand and saw blood on his palm. His dad hit him so hard he bled.
“I’m good, bud. You uh-.. you’ve got your stuff ready?” Chris nodded. “Let’s go” he put his hand on his son's shoulder, guiding him to the door, and grabbed his backpack from the floor, avoiding the gaze and screams of his parents.
As they got to the door, his father yelled at him again and got close enough to hold his arm one more time, but Eddie shook him off and looked at him with hate in his eyes.
“Don’t you EVER touch me or my son again. If you even try to get close to us or even talk to us again, I will call the fucking cops on you, and trust me, I know people who would gladly see you rot in jail” he yelled-whispered.
“Next time Chris wants to see you, it’ll be under my terms. IF … he ever wants to see you again”
he turned around and went to the car, Chris already sitting in the passenger seat and they went to his house.