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“Hey, do you wanna go on another trip?”
Buck had brought it up a few weeks ago. They’d been together for about nine months, and Buck’s spent a good chunk of that time finding reasons to whisk Eddie away, for a day, for a weekend, and once for longer. Sometimes Christopher comes with them, other times it’s just the two of them — a private getaway.
It’s probably because Eddie has let it slip that he hadn’t taken a real vacation since he was a child, and Buck made it his mission to change that. I just want to experience the world with you, Buck insisted, it’s romantic. Eddie finds himself agreeing more and more over time.
So it wasn’t a surprise when Buck brought it up while cleaning up after dinner, but the destination was. “Voyageurs National Park?” Eddie had repeated back, confused, setting the pot he was scrubbing down. He wracked his brain for any mentions of this from Buck before, but came up short.
Buck had nodded, though, enthusiastically. “We can go during the fall colors,” he'd replied. “Rent some kayaks, maybe even sleep under the stars.”
“How cold exactly will it be in the fall? I don’t wanna freeze.”
“We’ll keep each other warm,” Buck said, waggling his eyebrows until Eddie laughs. “Okay, fine we'll get a tent. Or maybe even a cabin. As long as you're in, just leave it up to me.”
“Of course I’m in,” Eddie had said, easy as anything. He’d follow Buck anywhere.
He hasn’t thought of it much since then, leaving everything up to Buck just like he said. He lets Buck book the flights and the car and the accommodations.
“So, we’ll fly into the city, and spend a night there before driving out to the park. It’s a few hours, so it’ll be better to do it after a night’s rest.”
“Sounds good, babe,” Eddie had agreed, nodding along.
“I’ve already bought everything we should need, including some new jackets and an extra sweater for you.”
Eddie pressed a kiss on the corner of Buck's mouth. “Thank you, sweetheart.”
It’s not until they're actually packing, two days out, that Eddie realizes, ridiculously, he has no actual concept of where they’re going.
“Uh, Buck?” he calls, and it only takes a moment before his boyfriend’s handsome head is in the doorway.
“Yeah?”
“This is a stupid question, but… where exactly is Voyageurs? Jesus, I don't even know where we’re flying to.”
He’s expecting Buck to laugh. To gently tease him over how unobservant or trusting Eddie is when it comes to Buck, but instead, he pales. “Oh, um,” Buck stutters out, looking away. “Did we not talk about that?”
That’s concerning. “No, we haven’t.”
“It’s, uh,” Buck pauses, scratching his neck. He’s trying to keep his voice casual but failing. “It’s in Minnesota, you know. Right by the Canadian border actually.”
“Minnesota?”
“Mhmm,” Buck hums, still avoiding Eddie’s eyes.
“And we’re staying in the city for a night, huh?”
“Yeah,” Buck says, so small and quiet.
“Buck, baby,” Eddie says, walking over to him. “You could’ve told me you wanted to visit him.”
His shoulders slump, and he finally looks back at Eddie with red rimmed eyes. “I know, I just— it felt…stupid.”
Eddie can’t hold back any longer. He wraps Buck in a hug, kissing his temple. “It’s not stupid. I wanna go too.”
“You do?” Buck mumbles into the skin of Eddie’s neck, that already feels a little wet.
“Of course,” he says, as he feels Buck wrap his own arms around Eddie's waist. “We don’t even have to do the camping if you—”
“No, no,” Buck says, not letting Eddie go. “I really do wanna do that, I wasn’t lying, just—”
“I know. Sometimes having an excuse is easier.”
Buck sniffs, and nods into the crooks of Eddie’s neck. He lets himself stay like that, holding Buck, until he feels the tension in Buck’s back ease. He rubs his hand over Buck’s back, trying to give him as much warmth and love as he can. “And, hey, what were you planning to do once we got to the airport, huh?” he jokes, trying to lighten to mood. “Were you expecting me to be that clueless?”
He can feel Buck smile against his neck. “Honestly, I was hoping you’d be too tired to notice.”
“Stupid,” Eddie says with more fondness than anything. “You don’t need to trick me into going anywhere. I love you.”
*
They get to the cemetery in the early afternoon, sun shining bright above them, cool breeze rustling the autumn leaves scattering along the ground. It’s one of the prettier cemeteries he’s been to. Bobby should be happy here.
They place the flowers in front of Bobby’s wife and kid’s graves, and then stand together in front of Bobby’s. Buck grips his hand tight, and Eddie’s sure his hold is just as hard. He waits, giving Buck the time he needs, but it never comes. “You okay?”
“I just—” Buck cuts himself off, sighing. “I don’t know what to do—what to say.”
“I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here.” Buck nods, but only squeezes Eddie’s hand tighter, not taking his eyes off the headstone. “Do you wanna eat first?” Buck nods again.
Eddie sets out a blanket next to Bobby’s headstone, as Buck unpacks the cooler. He had talked Buck into doing a picnic. Sharing another meal with Bobby, one of the things they’ve missed the most this past year.
Buck had been so put together all morning. Calm, collected, got them through the airport, and to their hotel. Kept himself busy with a task. He got more and more tense as they drove to the cemetery, though. Now, Eddie watches as he fumbles with the tupperware, hands shaking just enough to give him trouble.
Eddie takes it from his hands without asking, patting Buck on the shoulder, wordlessly telling him to sit down. Eddie joins him a moment later, handing him his plate and a sparkling water.
“Cheers,” Eddie says, clinking his drink against Buck’s, before tilting it towards the grave. “To Bobby.”
“To Bobby,” Buck repeats, voice cracking. Eddie's throat feels tight and he takes a drink of water to ease it. He's about to start eating when— “It’s your lasagna.” Eddie watches as Buck stares ahead, towards the grave. “The first recipe you gave me that I actually nailed. I wanted to make it for you again.” Eddie watches Buck wipe his eyes, glistening with tears now.
“Brought it all the way from L.A. for you. I know it’s not as good cold, but, it’s still okay, right?” at that, he turns to Eddie, slightly panicked.
Eddie’s hand finds its way to Buck’s thigh, giving him a gentle squeeze of reassurance. “It’s great, baby. Bobby would love it.”
Buck takes a calming breath, mouthing thank you, before turning back to Bobby. “Um, so, it’s been a while. It’s been over a year actually. Things, uh, almost feel back to normal now. Which is weird, right? That shouldn’t feel normal.”
“Eddie and me, we’re—we’re together now, by the way. Like, he’s my—-my boyfriend. And I’m his.” Buck pauses, blinking away some tears before continuing, “I—I think you’d, uh, be happy for us. I hope so. God, maybe you even knew? You always seemed to know what was best for me, right? You—you found me Eddie in the first place. Maybe you always knew.”
Now that he's started, the words seem to flow out of Buck like the seal’s been cracked. There’s a lot of crying, but a lot of laughing too. Eddie chimes in when he can, but mostly he just sits back and listens, eating his lasagna, with his other hand still resting comfortably on Buck’s thigh.
Eventually, Buck starts to slow down, voice a little rough. He looks at Eddie, and sighs, shaky smile on his face. He looks lighter. His eyes are bloodshot, and his face splotchy and red, but he’s never been more beautiful and precious to Eddie. “Do you wanna…” Buck trails off, nodding towards Bobby’s grave.
Eddie nods without thinking, unsure what he should say, what he can say. While they were driving here, Buck had said he’d never really done this before, visited the grave of someone he really knew. Someone he really loved. He’d asked Eddie, ‘Any tips?’ playing it off almost as a joke, but Eddie knew he was being sincere in his insecurity.
‘Not really an expert either, to be honest. When we visit Shannon’s, I… I let Chris do most of the talking, you know?’
Eddie feels that now, more than ever, mind blank of anything meaningful he could say, throat tight like a vice. He should've expected to have his own moment, but, somehow he spent all this time cataloging it in his head as Buck’s. This was for Buck. Of course Eddie wants to be here, and of course he loves and misses Bobby, but Buck’s the one who needed to have this.
“Hey, cap,” he finally manages. He clears his throat. “We, uh, we all miss you. So much. And I’ll keep an eye on Buck for you, okay? I really love him, and I’ll make sure he’s okay.”
“Hey,” Buck says, catching his attention by tugging on his sleeve. He looks almost upset. “Don’t do that.”
“What?” Eddie asks, genuinely lost.
“Don’t act like—like he’d only care about me, like he wouldn’t want the exact same for you. Hey, Bobby,” he says firmly to the grave. “I’m taking care of Eddie too. Just like you’d want.”
Eddie sniffs, eyes stinging. “Yeah, he, uh—he is. We’re taking care of each other,” he stops as he grabs Buck's hand, grounding himself. When he tries to restart, he suddenly feels deflated. He says to Buck, “Fuck, I don’t think I know how to do this either."
“Think you said there’s no wrong way. Just…talk.”
“Okay,” Eddie says, then takes a deep breath. “Hey, Bobby. Again. Uh, Chris and I moved back home. To L.A. It’s good to be back, but, uh, it’s still weird without you.” Eddie takes another shaky breath, feels the sting of his eyes. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there that day.”
“Hey—” Buck squeezes his hand, looking worried again.
He wishes he could keep it lighter for Buck’s sake, at least, but—“No. This one I need to say,” Eddie insists with a quick shake of his head, bringing his attention back to the headstone. “I think about it every day. I don’t know if it would've changed anything, but I wish I was there. Or I wish I remembered the last time we talked. You did so much for me, and I—”
“Eddie…” Buck’s gentle voice interrupts again, but Eddie doesn’t look at him this time, eyes still focused straight ahead at the letters spelling out Robert Wade Nash, looking blurrier by the second.
“I know, but I need to say it. I know I needed to go, and you knew that too. But I wish I came back—I should've been there.”
“We can’t change the past, right?”
Eddie exhales, shakily. “Yeah, I know.” He takes another breath, finding the courage to continue. “Things are going really good now, cap. Chim is really thriving as the new captain, Hen has her family all together, Chris is home with me, and me and Buck—It’s all been going really really well. Not that there aren’t any problems, but—We’re happy. And I just wish you were here too.”
Eddie clears his throat, thinking of one last thing. “Also, I’m gay. I don’t know if you picked that up yet, but, um. Yeah. You missed that too. I wish you knew me now.”
“Eddie, he knew you.”
Eddie turns his head towards Buck, eyes soft. “I know. I know he did, but—” He stops, and looks down, before fixing his gaze back on Bobby’s grave. “I… feel at peace with myself for the first time… maybe ever. And I don’t know if I could’ve gotten here without all your help over the years. And it’s just shitty that I can’t—that you can’t see for yourself. That I can’t thank you for it. All I can do is thank this slab of granite.”
Buck doesn’t say anything this time, but shuffles a little closer to Eddie, and brushes a tear from his cheek.
They sit silently for another few minutes, until they’ve both stopped crying. “Ready?” Eddie asks, and Buck nods in response. They clean up, and leave, but not before Buck leaves behind a lone wooden cooking spoon.
“It’s a little silly,” he says, looking around at the other graves sites, adorned with pretty flowers and trinkets, and photographs. The spoon, on the other hand, is an old ugly thing, stained and chipped at the bottom. Bobby loved it though, and wouldn't throw it away.
Buck’s given it a new purpose now. Holding the weight of Bobby and everyone else who had used it over the years, and giving it back to him. “Nah, I think it’s nice. Bobby wasn’t a flower guy. And this will last longer.” Eddie wraps an arm around Buck’s waist, rubbing his side. “Okay. Love you, Bobby.”
“Love you,” Buck repeats. “We’re going to Voyageurs tomorrow, you know. You, uh, you told me that you had been there once as a kid. We might stop by again, on our way back, before the flight,” Buck says, glancing over hesitantly. Eddie nods quickly, agreeing. “If we—if we have time. We can tell you all about it.”
“You good?” Eddie asks, when they’re back in the car. He’s ready to crash as soon as they’re back at the hotel. It’s only 4:30, but it’s been a long, draining day.
Buck sighs, leaning back against the headrest. “Yeah. Yeah, I am. I’m glad we did this.”
“Me too,” he agrees, reaching over the gear shift to pat Buck’s leg. “We can come back, you know. Anytime, seriously. No excuse needed, I will hop on a plane with you, whenever.”
“I know. Thank you.” Buck takes a breath, smiling back at Eddie, a little wobbly, but lighter. Eddie feels the same. “Okay, let’s go.”