Chapter Text
Pony's P.O.V.
I stood there frozen, unable to move. Johnny was dead, and there was nothing I could do. The world was spinning around me, and it felt like I was falling. I felt a pair of arms wrap around my torso, and I looked over and saw Dally's worried face looking back down at me. I felt bad for making him worry, but I could not shake the fact that I had just seen my best friend die in that hospital bed. I felt like I was about to throw up. I couldn’t help but feel like everything was my fault. If only I had done something differently, maybe Johnny would still be alive. I leaned into Dally’s embrace, letting his presence ground me as the weight of grief threatened to consume me.
Before Dally could react and stop me, I bolted out of the hospital room. Tears streamed down my face as I ran. I do not know where I am going, but I know I had to get away from that room. I finally stopped in the park where everything had happened, where all of the pain and trauma began. I sat down on the edge of the fountain. I was trying to breathe and calm myself from having a panic attack. I knew the rest of the gang would need to know about Johnny's death, but I could not bring myself to get up from my spot to go and tell them about it. I just sat there, letting my emotions take over me. I let the tears fall freely, not caring who saw me or what they thought. I was completely and utterly heartbroken. I had lost my best friend, and I did not know what I was going to do without him. He was my rock, the one person who always understood me, and now he is gone. I felt like I was drowning in my own sorrows.
I don't know how long I had been out in the park just thinking, but it was late enough that I heard my older brother, Darry, calling my name. I heard fear and worry rising in his voice, and I felt bad for scaring him, but I needed some air. I couldn't let Darry see me cry, so I began to wipe away the remaining tears from my face. I looked over and saw Darry looking everywhere, and he was trying not to have a panic attack. Guilt began to eat at me as I realised that it was my fault that he was like this. It was my fault that Johnny murdered Bob, the soc. It was my fault that the church was on fire, and those kids nearly died. And it was my fault that Johnny died. Everything was my fault.
"Pony, there you are," Darry said. He wrapped his arms around me as if I was going to disappear from his side.
"J-Johnny," I tried to say without crying.
"I know, baby, I know," Darry said. "Dally told us about Johnny and said that you ran out of the hospital."
"I'm sorry, Darry."
"It's not your fault, baby. It just scared the rest of us that you ran off."
It was my fault, though. It's my fault that I scared Darry that night, and then it turned into him slapping me. Johnny's death was my fault, and if I had not run away that night, he would not have run into the burning church. Everything is my fault. I am cursed, and I can't catch a break from all of this pain. I will never be happy again. I am always going to be the kid who can't catch a break. I am always going to be cursed. I am doomed to live a life full of despair and tragedy. There is no way I will ever recover from this. I will never be okay again. I am broken, and I will never be fixed. I am nothing but a broken shell of a person. I am worthless. I am a waste of space.
“Why Won't My Pain Go Away?"
“Pony, please look at me,” Darry says, his voice soft and soothing.
I had not realized that I had buried my face in his chest. But I was comfortable in this and did not want to move at all. However, I knew that Darry would probably force me to look at him if I didn't do it myself, so I looked at him, tears streaming down my face, and he softly kissed my forehead.
“It is not your fault, it is mine,” He said. I was confused now, and it must have shown. “If I hadn't been so harsh on you and made you feel so unsafe, then we wouldn't be in this place.”
I held Darry tight. It wasn’t his fault; it was mine. If I hadn't been such a failure, then he would have been proud of me and not been under so much stress. I just wish that Darry could have gone to college like he wanted instead of having to take care of me and all of my problems. He should have been a famous football player, but he stayed back instead. This is all my fault. Why do I cause pain for those whom I love so dearly?
Steve Randle has only ever seen me as a tagalong. The only reason Dally put up with me was because of Johnny. Two-Bit has enough problems to deal with, especially his mother getting into a car accident and his father being absent. Two-Bit now has to take care of his little sister Emily. Soda loves me dearly, but I cause him pain and suffering when I do things like this. And Darry, my amazing big brother Darry, works like an old man and doesn't get a break from anything or anyone. Everything is my fault. I am a burden to everyone in my life. I should just disappear. Everyone would be better off if I just left. Ive caused so much pain and heartache, and I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe if I weren’t here, they could finally be free from the burden I’ve become. I don’t deserve their love or their sacrifices.
“I’m so sorry, Darry,” I say, starting to cry again. “It is all my fault.”
“No, Pony, it is not your fault. Please stop blaming yourself for this tragedy, baby." Darry said as he pulled me in tighter into himself.
"But what about Johnny? What about everything?” I cried. Darry just held me so tight to his body, letting me cry into his chest. He knew that there was nothing he could say to make me feel better, but he was here for me, and that was all that mattered at this moment. We stood there for what felt like an eternity, just holding each other. The silence between us was comforting, a silent promise that we would get through this together. He didn't say anything, but his silence was comforting. I knew that he would be there for me no matter what.
We stood there in silence for a few minutes before Darry broke it by saying, "Let's go home, Pony." I nodded, and we began to walk back to our house.