Chapter Text
He couldn't do it anymore. Despite all the cheer and celebration that had occurred after his return from Tartarus, he still felt so empty. He tried so hard to put on a smile and fight as hard as he could because Gaia was awakening; but now that she was gone, he was having trouble keeping it together, especially since he didn't have anything to focus on. No battles, no quests, not even chores from Chiron he had been asking for lately. Anything to keep his mind off the horrors he had endured not just during his time in Tartarus, but everything starting from when he first arrived at camp.
Of course, he had Annabeth. That was a plus… or it was supposed to be. Recently, he and Annabeth had been fighting. He really wanted to get help, he really did, but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to get some.
Even without Chiron’s chores, he still found a way to keep busy. From teaching new campers swordfighting, helping Grover console nature spirits who had once fought for Gaia, and helping Leo clean up after his wild projects, he had a lot on his plate, truly! But Annabeth didn't seem to get that and kept insisting he talk to someone like she did, but he felt like no one would understand him unless they went through the same thing, because Tartarus was so hard to describe and talk about.
“Percy… Percy!” Leo waves his hand in front of the zoned out demigod. Percy blinks back to life.
“Oh, good, you're awake!” Leo smiles. Percy gives him an annoyed glare.
“What do you want?” He hisses, coming out way harsher than he intended. Leo looks a bit saddened by that.
“Dude, you’ve been zoning out for the past ten minutes and you’re supposed to help me clean up after swordfighting which ends in… well, it just ended just now.” Leo sighs in annoyance and points to the training fields where a bunch of new campers had left their swords and some armor strewn about on the ground.
“Can’t. Um… have to check on something. You got it, right?” Percy asks. He didn’t have anything to check on actually, but he didn’t want to be around Leo. Or anyone. All day he’d been out working, cleaning and helping new campers who he knew would probably die at the careless hands of the gods and their quests. His mood had been getting worse all day and it was only 3:30! Leo huffs in annoyance. Everyone knew that Percy was going through a hard time after Tartarus and Gaia and all that, but that was six months ago! Okay, not that long ago, but still… Everyone else had gotten help.
Even Nico was getting therapy (even if it might just be Will forcing him)! Hazel wasn’t having panic attacks much anymore, Frank wasn’t scared to pick up a weapon, Jason wasn’t as closed off, Piper was making new friends and getting on with life, Annabeth had been focusing on her architecture-y things, and the Bad Boy Supreme himself was gettin’ a little therapy himself …Even if said therapist wasn’t exactly qualified, but hey, Calypso was a good listener! And also hot and his girlfriend. But Percy… everyone could see him getting worse day by day. He was always doing Chiron’s pity chores or providing extra help to the new campers even when he wasn’t needed. Huge eye bags had been forming under those deep sea green eyes that had once been a bright color filled with light and joy but were now sunken and anxious. He had so many nervous tics as well. Digging his nails into his hands when he was stressed, picking at his eyelashes when he felt lonely, and bouncing his leg under his lonesome dinner table.
And worse, he wasn’t doing anything to get better! Now, Leo cared for his friend very much, but he was also tired of Percy not listening to his suggestions when he clearly needed to. Leo had tried recommending him gardening, art, hiking, heck, even helping him out in the forge, but Percy never took any of those up when they’ve helped countless other people and Percy clearly needed some help! Maybe he needed to send Will on him… even though the healer was always busy and was getting probably less sleep than Percy was, when he had a patient, he was a crazy control freak and Percy wouldn’t dare disobey Will, Leo thought as he watched Percy shuffle away and into the woods.
Finally, he’s taking up my suggestion of hiking. Leo said in his empty head with a small smirk, not knowing what was to come.
Percy walked through the forest with an empty head. Usually, he was so full of thoughts that made him want to crawl into a hole and die, but today, for some reason, he just couldn’t care to think. Maybe it was because he was so low on energy that he needed to stop thinking–that his brain had purposefully shut down and said ‘Nope, no more thinking today! Sleep!’ But Percy didn’t feel that tired all of the sudden. Somehow, he just felt clear today.
Like an animal about to be put down, he thought bitterly.
He walked with purpose through the forest, not sparing a glance to the beautiful trees sporting yellow leaves, slowly creeping to vibrant oranges and reds. Fall was coming and camp was ending in two weeks for the summer only kids. Percy would normally hate leaving camp but also secretly be so excited to return home to blue cookies, movie nights, and most importantly: his mom! But for some reason, he just wasn't feeling much of anything. He was used to every day being so full of emotion–negative emotion, of course. An all-consuming sadness that made him want to give up or an anger that made him want to scream and throw a tantrum like a little kid and spew hatred towards his friends for nagging him about this and that. Oh, try this therapist, and Well, you’re not taking any steps to get better, and Percy, we love you, but we want you to get better so do this and that and blah blah blah… He couldn’t stand that.
He loved his friends. He loved when Hazel organised picnics, he loved when Frank would turn into his favorite aquatic animals for him, he loved when Jason would play video games with him, when Piper would help him get ready for a date with Annabeth, when Leo would tell jokes, when Nico… well, sometimes his presence was a bit frightening but he saw Nico as a little brother or something to that effect so it brought him some comfort! But he absolutely loathed when they’d try to “help him” by bothering him. He didn’t put any blame on them (or at least tried not to,) for not knowing what to do with him, but he wished they’d all stop. Giving him a list of therapists wasn’t gonna make him feel any better and dragging him out of bed to watch the sunset to “remind him that life was still beautiful” wasn’t helping either.
Now, he stood above a cliff. How this was not a safety concern to Chiron was a wonder, but then again they had a lava wall. It was about 30ft tall if he had to guess, but he was never good at numbers. It seemed pretty tall and there was no water visible that could heal him, so he thought it was a good spot. Of course, he could sense the water underground, but he didn’t think that’d be an issue for what he was about to do.
“Um… I don’t know what to say right now or if anyone’s even listening, but I guess you’re supposed to just put this out into the universe before you do it.” He began. “Uh, Grover, I’m sorry for this. I hope everything goes well with Juniper and that you save the world. I know you can do it. Um… Chiron, I’m sorry I couldn’t continue. I’m sorry that everything you’ve done to help me was a waste and that I ended up here and Annabeth… Annie… I love you and I’m sorry. I hope I’ll see you again soon-–in Elusiyum. And dad, thanks for being there I guess. And mom…” His voice was cracking as he spoke and he felt like throwing up. “Mom… I love you so much. I’m so sorry everything you sacrificed led to this. I’m sorry you um, you had to be with smelly Gabe and you had to work so many jobs and take care of me, who couldn’t even stay in school and out of trouble. I’m sorry I caused you so much pain and worry but um… I’m happy for you and Paul. I love you.”
And then he let himself fall over the edge, landing headfirst into the stones beneath with a sickening crunch.