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“Man…” A mumbled voice groaned dazedly.
If a passerby happened to walk past the Tokyo diet building this late into the evening, they would have been shocked to see a blonde highschooler slumped against a light pole. But then they would remember that they were in a rush to get home, or perhaps they would just remember that they had more important things to do, and they would walk past him without a word.
This was the world they lived in, and it was also the world that this blonde highschooler lived in. The name of this world was value. If something was no longer useful, you threw it away. And if something wasn't useful to begin with, you never picked it up in the first place.
Ryuji Sakamoto rubbed his left hand on his cheek, hoping to soothe the bruising skin. He managed to open his eyes finally, and the light from the pole he laid under made his head hurt. Half of him wanted to get up and start going home so he could crawl into bed; he was already exhausted after taking down Shido and now he was beat up and demoralized.
The other half of him just wanted to rest a little longer, right here.
He lowered his eyes to the pavement and stared at it with some deserved bitterness. If risking his life to protect everyone earned this kind of reward, maybe he wasn't cut out for this ‘changing the world’ stuff.
“You okay?”
A deep and familiar voice came from in front of him. The sudden sound startled Ryuji, but he relaxed as soon as he realized it was Ren. He'd been so out of it that he hadn't noticed that one of his friends stayed with him. His heart hurt just a tiny bit less.
His best friend’s skillful poker face couldn’t conceal the concern he felt at this moment. Ren's impassive aura was what Ryuji was used to, except for the rare moments he smiled or laughed. Right now though, there was a crack in his mask, and something Ryuji couldn't name was leaking out.
Ryuji realized he must’ve had a really nasty look on his face a second ago and awkwardly tried to offer reassurance.
“Yeah, I’m alright. This kinda stuff doesn’t hurt much and heals quick.” After all, he’d dealt with ‘this kinda stuff’ plenty as a kid. Bruises from relieved friends couldn’t compare to bruises from an angry father.
Unfortunately, he could tell his bid at making Ren less concerned was unsuccessful when he saw a twist of something momentarily appear on that kind face.
“Ah, what I meant was- Uh.” He stumbled over the words, his exhausted brain struggling to fix yet another social blunder. His skill in creating those was unnecessarily high; what had he done to deserve such an awful permanent debuff…
Before he could get another word out, Ren reached out a hand towards him, palm up. For a moment Ryuji stared at it, confused. And then it clicked that Ren wanted to help him up. He accepted that hand right away, feeling the callouses on it grind against his own as Ren hefted him to his feet.
Ryuji wasn’t sure why, but he wanted to apologize. He didn’t know what he was seeing in Ren’s stormy eyes, but he knew it wasn’t good. As soon as he opened his mouth though, Ren spoke first.
“Can we talk?”
It was a chilly December night, but Ryuji’s blood felt hot in his veins as his anxiety spiked. ‘Can we talk,’ wasn’t something a person would use lightly, and it was coming from Ren Amamiya. He hung his head for a moment. If Ren lectured him right now after all of this, his head was gonna explode. It already hurt like a bitch anyway, it probably wouldn’t take much to make it blow up.
When he looked back up, he couldn’t fake a smile. “Yeah.”
His eyes couldn't help but notice that Ren looked exhausted. The bruises on his neck and face were still healing, even after a few weeks. Though they looked better now than they had when he first came home from the interrogation room, the light in his eyes was still a little dimmer than it had been before November 19th.
The black haired boy turned and started walking away without a word. After being momentarily stunned by his sudden departure, Ryuji quickly followed.
A million thoughts were spinning around in his mind as he tried to keep pace. Each one scraped around painfully.
If Ren was angry, why did he wait around for Ryuji to wake up? Everyone else had left already, he should have done the same. He recalled the moments right after he woke up following the explosion, and remembered the way Ren had stood farther away than everyone else. His expression had been so distant, but he was the only one who stayed.
His fist clenched unconsciously. Ryuji didn’t want to lose Ren. That boy was the first person who thought he was worth anything. Or at least the first one who said anything about it. No matter if he had to beg for forgiveness on his hands and knees, or whatever else, he would do anything to prove he was still useful to Ren.
‘I promise I won’t screw up like that again.’ Maybe something like that would work? Ryuji didn't want to be disposed of. Not by Ren. Anyone but him.
As he was trying to guess what Ren was thinking, he felt a raindrop strike his forehead. He looked up and saw the swirling of thunder clouds overhead, warning of an imminent downpour. Just as he realized that, he felt another drop. And then ten more, and then more and more and more .
“Come on, over here!” Ren called out over the wind that had picked up so suddenly. It screamed like a wounded animal. Ryuji followed without question, running through the rain and trying to ignore how it felt like the water was piercing through him with every drop.
They ended up under the roof of a covered bus stop. Each of them were drenched, and the fluorescent light overhead flickered mockingly. Ryuji sat down on the bench with a sigh, fighting the urge to just lay on the ground and never get up. Ren leaned up against the wall, still silent.
“So…” Ryuji started up awkwardly. He needed this to be over, and it hadn't even begun yet. Better to rip the bandage off quickly. “What did you wanna talk about?” Bracing himself was the only thing to do now. He just had to get through this.
Ren didn't speak for a few seconds. His eyes were obscured by his thick glasses and the way he was tilting his head. Finally he said, “As your leader, I'm ordering you not to do anything like that again.” His voice was strained, but controlled. Not a chastisement out of anger, but a command out of frustration. Like a disappointed father…
“Huh?” Ryuji couldn't help the sound of confusion that left his throat.
“You heard me. No more self-sacrificing bullshit. None.” Ren moved his head a bit which let Ryuji see the gaze staring from behind the glasses. As the rain battered the roof above them, the tempest in those eyes was far scarier than the one outside. He had never seen Ren so upset.
Something inside of Ryuji felt tense like a rubber band stretched to its breaking point. He wasn't trying to sacrifice himself, how was he supposed to know the ship would blow up? All he wanted to do was protect everyone… All he wanted to do was be useful…
But that wasn't what really bothered him about what Ren was saying.
“Why? So you can do it instead?”
His voice came out spiteful, and he didn't care. It made Ren look caught off guard. ‘Good.’ He thought.
The rubber band pulled a little tighter. “You're such a hypocrite, Joker .” He snarled the code name of his leader, and watched it make his friend flinch.
He knew he should stop. Ren was still dealing with the aftermath of being tortured by those sadistic bastards, Ryuji knew that Ren was holding himself responsible for failing to save Akechi, and in spite of all that he had fought like hell to take down Shido. And won.
Ren was a hero, and Ryuji was about to blow up on him because he was the only one who would listen. The only one who cared about him enough to stay. This wasn't Ren's fault, it was his own, and yet he was so close to breaking…
Maybe once he broke, he would feel better.
“If I died, I think… that you guys would be okay.” His voice cracked as his darkest thoughts were spoken aloud. “It would hurt, but you all would be alright.” He continued. Silver eyes widened in fear and Ren opened his mouth to argue, but Ryuji didn't give him a chance.
“Don't give me that bullshit about how every member of the team matters. I know I'm the weakest link, always have been." He heard a gasp over the deafening sound of rain battering the roof, but just barely. Ryuji couldn't look at Ren. If he didn't say this now, he never would. So instead he stared at the cold asphalt instead, and continued.
“But you… if you died, I mean… I- We would fall apart. You know that, you're too smart not to. Yet you risked your life, got fucked up and abused by cops, on a gamble . If Sae hadn't believed you, Akechi would have killed you. What would we have done then?” His voice was escalating in volume, but only Ren could hear it.
“Ryuji-!” Ren tried to interrupt him, voice tight with desperation. Ryuji couldn't remember the last time he'd heard Ren Amamiya sound desperate, if he ever had. It was nice, this little reminder of his own agency. He still had some impact on the world, even if it was only through disappointing people.
“So don't tell me not to be self-sacrificing…” His feelings were spilling out like he'd been gutted. He felt guilty and ashamed, but it was too late to stop. Even if it ruined his life, even if this was what made Ren stop looking at him forever, he had to let out this poison or it would kill him anyway.
He finally managed to lift his murky brown eyes towards Ren and saw hurt and pain on the face of his closest friend. It felt good to know he caused it, but the rush would probably only last another ten seconds or so. He knew that. Thus he needed to finish before the high faded.
“My life… is the only thing I've got worth keeping me around for.” Ren's face contorted with that something . “I'm not capable like you, not strong willed like Ann, not unique like Yusuke…” He paused for a moment. And then he finally said it.
“And even though I only have one life to offer, I'd give it up in a heartbeat if it was useful to you. And if I had more lives? I'd lay them all down, for you. Over and over.” Emotion tore through his vocal cords, scratching at them. A strangled sound came from across the tiny bus stop shelter. It sounded miles away. The distance between them felt insurmountable.
“So… I'm beggin’ you, don't give me an order I can't follow. If you really wanna change the world, then let me be useful. After all, every miracle takes sacrifice…” Trailing off, his eyes returned to the pavement. Numbly, he watched a trail of water escape a crack in the concrete and channel off in its own direction.
For what felt like ages, the only sound to be heard was the roar of the deluge. Finally Ryuji heard the sound of a struggling breath. He looked up in an instant and saw something he couldn't have predicted.
Ren was standing in the same spot, but now, he was sobbing. He wasn't making a lot of noise, but he was clearly overwhelmed with panic, to the point where he was wheezing. Ryuji was shocked to the core; his mental image of Ren all of a sudden looked a little different. Seeing Ren cry wasn't something he had ever expected to witness.
Just as he predicted, the adrenaline of letting out his horrible thoughts wore off quickly. Shame filled his wounded heart.
“I'm sor-”
“How long…” Ren spoke at the same time as him.
“Huh?” He asked dumbly.
“How long have you felt this way?” His voice was thick. Clearly, the same breaking point he'd reached earlier had snuck up on Ren and crashed into him while Ryuji was losing it. Fuck…
“Since the beginning.” He admitted. There was no point hiding it. Even if it made him feel sick.
Ren was silent for a moment, then let out a humorless laugh. “...I see. That's why you use physical attacks, huh. Cause they cost life instead of magic…” He mumbled that last sentence as if speaking to himself.
And then he didn't say anything else. He stood there, eyes obscured by his glasses again, trembling from something beyond the cold and the anxiety. Tears mixed with rain on his cheeks.
Ryuji had no clue what to do. How was he supposed to fix this? This was exactly why he was more trouble than he was worth; he broke things without knowing how to fix them, and then he begged someone else to help him clean up the mess.
But no one else was here. Just him and the person he cared for most. And he didn't know what to do.
As he looked back down at the pavement, as if hoping there would be some kind of hint written on it, Ren moved. Ryuji looked up just in time to see Ren take one big step forward, bridging the distance in a single stride, to stand right in front of him. Before he even had a chance to guess what Ren was doing, he was pulled into an embrace. His brain short circuited.
“I'm so sorry.” Ren's choked up voice came from above his head. Ryuji felt emotion vibrating in the throat that was pressed against his forehead. He hugged Ren back, but not as hard as he wanted to. Honestly, if Ren was crying for any other reason, he would have squeezed the hell out of him. Held on tight and never let go. Ryuji didn't understand why Ren would apologize for any of what just happened.
He didn't have time to ask because Ren answered right away. “I should have noticed you were feeling like this. You're my best friend and I'm supposed to look out for you, and now I realize that I saw signs that I ignored.” He was speaking so quietly Ryuji could barely hear it.
“Your life isn't the only thing useful about you, Ryuji. I'm so sorry… that I didn't make that clearer.” His face was buried in Ryuji's hair, disregarding how wet and gross it was. Ryuji couldn't believe this. Ren was crying… for him? He wasn't angry?
His arms hugged Ren a little bit tighter. “It's alright man… I'm sorry for freaking out on ya.” Ryuji attempted to diffuse the situation and comfort Ren.
He felt Ren shake his head above him. “I'm an idiot.” Ren mumbled.
“Huh?”
Ren pulled back just a bit so that they were face to face. Ryuji was so confused, he didn't let go. A pair of cold hands suddenly came up and clutched both sides of his bruised face. Though they were firm, they were also tender.
“Ryuji, you're my anchor.” He whispered, like it was a secret.
Blink. What?
“Like in relay races.” His lips turned up in a sweet smile, even as tears continued to fall. Ryuji couldn't look away.
Ren's thumb gently stroked the bruise from Ann's slap. Somehow, it started to hurt less. “When I'm looking for someone reliable for a job, you come to mind first. When I'm afraid, you remind me that you believe in me. When I'm alone, you always find me.”
Ryuji felt like every word was a bolt of lightning directly to his body, and he was supposed to be resistant to that stuff. Instead, it felt like a weakness right now. Somewhere in the distance, thunder rumbled.
“In my hometown… I never had any friends.” Ren began. Ryuji felt his heart pang with sympathy. “And when I came here, I thought it would be the same.” Ba dum, ba dum, ba dum , Ryuji's heart throbbed.
“I never thought I would get so lucky… to meet someone like you. My first real friend.” New tears welled in those argent eyes, or maybe those were Ryuji's, he couldn't tell.
Ren let out a little laugh, more genuinely this time. “And what the hell do you mean ‘weakest link?’ I think you're amazing…! You kick so much ass, Ryuji. And every time I think maybe you aren't taking things seriously or are slacking off, you learn your lesson and get stronger. Every time.” He was out of breath from sobbing and how fast and passionately he was speaking.
Okay, Ryuji was definitely crying now. No one had ever told him something like this. And to hear it from Ren, whom he admired so much… His heart was racing, and for the first time in a while it was for a good reason. Unconsciously, his hands on Ren's waist tightened.
Through the fresh tears and the drying rain, Ren smiled. It was like seeing the moon for the first time again. Ryuji felt the flames of resolve within him flicker back to life.
“Your life is important, Ryuji. Truly. But not for its usefulness, and certainly not for something like value. We need you. I need you. Not just your life, but all of you. If I'm the heart of the phantom thieves, you're the blood in its veins.” His cheeks reddened, maybe he thought what he said was a little cheesy. Ryuji didn't think so, and he would never forget that line. Or anything else about this moment.
“Got it? So my order still stands. No more self sacrificing.” He finally wiped the tears from his cheeks. Ryuji regretted not doing it himself.
All he could do was nod in agreement, temporarily silenced by shock.
Ren smiled again. Thump, thump, thump , why was Ren's smile suddenly making his heart race like this? He gulped.
…That was something to worry about later…
For a few moments they held each other in silence. And then,
“Thank you.” Ryuji whispered.
Ren's embrace became a little tighter. “Anytime. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. I've always felt this way, and it was wrong of me to assume you knew.” There was a lilt in his voice, fond emotion peeking out. Ryuji wondered…
He clenched his fist, then released it. He didn't need to worry about that right now.
The rain beat on the shelter roof. If Ren believed in him, who was he to disagree? A flickering flame became a roaring inferno within him.
Even a storm like this…
He wouldn't fail Ren. Whatever Ren needed, he would become. His flame of rebellion was reignited under the awning of a bus stop in a downpour.
…could be weathered…
Ryuji glanced up at Ren and met his eyes. They shone with affection.
…as long as one had shelter.