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Depression is horrible and absolutely terrifying - it's undescribable. Frank knows this because a few years back, depression crept up on him and fucking destroyed him. Frank never understood why he was so depressed. He always felt guilty and ungrateful. As a teenager he was constantly reminded that others have it worse than him or this is not real, it's all in your mind.
His parents took no notice of their teenage son falling apart more and more everyday until that one horrible moment, which involved a bathtub, an empty bottle of pills and an unconscious Frank with vomit dribbling down his chin.
Frank remembers the look of disappointment in his mother's eyes when he woke up in the hospital. His father didn't say a word to him for weeks.
That quite unfaithful day, little sixteen year old Frank was done. Done with life, school, oblivious parents, friends who pretended to care and dealing with this stupid depression he was cursed with.
Frank hated himself - no, scratch that, he loathed himself with every fiber of his being (and he still does to this day). But on that day in particular the self-loathing was suffocating. Frank felt as if he had the weight of the universe on his shoulders. And that's how his parents came to realise that their son was suffering. Frank was grateful but angry at the same time. The only thing Frank hated was the fact he was forced to see a psychologist which meant, opening up and talking about feelings and motherfucking antidepressants.
Frank hated those stupid white pills with a passion. He hated them so much. He always felt slightly less human when he took them. And the sad fact was that they worked on and off - like he'd be going three weeks straight feeling as if he's on top of the world and then the next week he'd feel like utter and complete hell.
And now to this day, Frank, who is alive and physically healthy. His mental stability, was somewhat okay - for a twenty one year old, who still took those irking pills. He still had days where he would have horrible depressive episodes - which made him shut down for days, sometimes even weeks. The only person who actually puts up with Frank and his episodes was his boyfriend, Gerard.
And today, Frank felt like curling into a ball and locking himself in the bedroom until he dies and maggots make a home out his decaying body. Frank was drowning in a sea of self-destructive and self-loathing thoughts. What's the point of life anyway? We all die anyways, Frank thought bitterly.
His boyfriend, Gerard, was already awake and Frank could faintly hear his humming from the kitchen. If Frank had the energy and motivation to smile, he would've. He didn't want to tell Gerard, that today was one of those days. Frank was afraid - no, fucking terrified of Gerard getting fed up with his bullshit and would leave him. Just the thought of Gerard leaving him made Frank's stomach twist into uncomfortable knots and made his heart break into a billion tiny pieces because Frank loves Gerard more than he loves himself.
Frank curled into a tight ball and pulled the covers over his head, trying to shut away the world so he could quietly wish death upon himself. He hopes to die in some horrid accident so he wouldn't have to do all the work.
Frank wonders why Gerard even puts up with him - he wasn't anything special, Frank feels as if he's holding back Gerard from living his life the way he wants to. An overwhelming feeling of guilt washed over Frank as his brain kicked into overdrive with dreadful thoughts of the fact that he's the reason why Gerard couldn't have a normal life and not worry about him - a pathetic twenty one year old who can't seem to get his shit together. He sighs shakily and hears the door open.
“Are you awake as yet Frankie? I made us breakfast,” Gerard says, sounding proud of himself, “it's totally fine if you want to eat in bed - I have no problem once I get to join.”
Frank nods weakly, not removing the covers from his head, “sounds nice, I'd like that.”
“Okay, babe, just give me a second, I'll get the food,” Gerard said and with that he left the room.
Frank sighed and pushed the covers off his body and stretched. Frank loves it when Gerard cooks, he loves everything about Gerard. He's Frank's rock, keeping him alive and most importantly happy. Life without Gerard seemed unimaginable for Frank.
It's all my fault, I'm the one holding Gerard back from living his life, Frank thought sadly to himself. He felt his lungs restricting any air from entering and the guilt was eating him alive. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault, he thought repeatedly. Frank feels as if he doesn't even deserve someone as patient and caring as Gerard. He's too good for Frank and that what breaks Frank's heart even more. What if I'm not good enough for him? What if he actually despises me? Frank's thoughts got out of control, he didn't realised Gerard was back in the bedroom.
“Frankie? What's wrong?” Gerard asked softly.
Frank snaps out of his daze, slightly petrified, “Y-yeah, I'm fine, G, don't worry.”
“Sugar, you're crying,” he states, sitting down next to the smaller man and pulling him in for a bone crushing hug. Frank didn't even realise he was crying until he begins crying more, clinging onto Gerard as if he was his only means of survival.
“Frank, honey, what's wrong?” Gerard asks again.
“I-I don't deserve you, Gerard,” Frank whispered quietly to himself but Gerard heard.
And Gerard's heart broke. He hated when Frank feels like he isn't good enough. Gerard loves Frank with every fiber of his being. Gerard loves Frank so very much. Everything about Frank brings an overwhelming sense of pride and joy to Gerard.
To Gerard - Frank was the most adorable, kind and understanding person. He has a smile that can cure cancer and the cutest giggle ever. And it makes Gerard physically ill to think that Frank absolutely loathes himself. Gerard knows he can't force Frank to see himself the way he sees him but Gerard tries his best with him. No matter how bad Frank feels, he will be right next to him and he'll never ever ever leave him.
Gerard cups Frank's cheeks with his hands and force him to look up, “Frankie, you deserve the entire universe.”
Frank sniffled, “Why do you even put up with me, G?”
Gerard felt his heart ache because fuck, Frank looks so distraught and Gerard just wants to hold him close and never let go.
“Frank, listen to me, I fucking love you to bits, okay? I love you so much,” Gerard said. He caresses Frank's cheek with his hand.
“I know, Gerard. But I feel as if I'm holding you back from living your life, like I feel that I'm not good enough for you,” Frank said quietly and closed his eyes, letting his tears fall freely.
And if it was possible for Gerard's heart to break even more - it would be shattered into trillions of little tiny pieces.
“Sugar, look at me,” Gerard said, Frank opens his eyes and stares back at him and Gerard wipes some of Frank's tears with his thumb, “You are not holding back my life, okay? And you are good enough for me - hell, you're fucking amazing. But I will not force you into accepting that, but I just want you to hear it. I love you so much, Frank.”
Gerard wipes away more Frank's tears and kisses his cheek, “I love you.”
Frank let out a shaky breath, “I-I love you too, G. More than anything. Thank you for putting up with me.”
“You don't have to thank me for that - I'd do anything, for you sugar,” Gerard said with a small smile.
Frank kisses Gerard's shoulder and murmurs a quiet ‘I love you.’
After the couple ate their breakfast - to which Gerard feeds Frank his breakfast due to the lack of cooperation from his body. They spent the rest of the day cuddling and occasionally spooning, leaving soft kisses on each other necks and whispers of sweet nothings.
Frank may not get better so easily but Gerard will be more than grateful to be there every step of the way, with the biggest, most encouraging smile on his face and both men couldn't have it any better.
Fin .