Chapter Text
It started off gradually, as many things do. His first sign came the day he woke up to see Reiner was still asleep. The unlikely duo began sharing a tent ever since the Warrior admitted through tears how he frequently thought about sneaking out at night and walking off into the desert, never to return.
Jean, deciding he didn’t want to risk it, quickly installed himself between Reiner and the flaps of his tent that very same night. That way Jean would know if the other man so much as got up to take a midnight piss and from there ensure they both made it back to sleep safe and sound.
Reiner wasn't about to turn into "another nameless body to add to the pyre." Not if Jean had anything to say about it.
Sharing a tent, however, also meant he woke up with Reiner at the start of every day. Or before the day even started, technically, because the asshole woke up well before the sun even tinted the horizon any shade of blue. So when Reiner needed Jean to wake him up at the end of November, it certainly stood out.
When a week went by with Reiner continuing his sleeping in, well, it was time for some investigation.
Naturally the first port of call were the kids, who occupied a lot of Reiner’s free time. Jean doubted he confided much in them directly, but surely they knew something through mere exposure. Kids were notoriously perceptive and Jean could tell Reiner relaxed a little more around them.
They were weaving some baskets when he came upon them that morning. Falco looked up at him, offering a tepid smile that didn’t quite make it to his eyes. Unusual. After a second of hesitation he spoke, “Mister Jean, do you need something?”
Gabi kept her head down, eyes trained on her hands. “If it’s about your comb, I told you I didn’t take it,” she grumbled. “I mean, why would I want your stupid comb, anyway? It’s probably full of sap or something to keep your hair slicked back.”
“What?” Jean raised an eyebrow and folded his arms over his chest. Damned Brauns and their tendency to needle the shit out of him in particular. The growing scowl on his face must’ve concerned Falco as the young boy quickly cleared his throat to regain Jean’s attention.
“It’s not about the stupid comb,” Jean sighed while uncrossing his arms, “I’m worried about Reiner.”
“Did something happen?” Gabi whipped her head up to look at him with wide eyes. At least the Braun cousins also shared a deep concern for their loved ones, too. She began tearing up, her voice creaking when she asked her follow up question, “Did he…do something?”
Ah shit. Jean flung his hands out in front of himself, rushing to contain her impending panic. “No, no! Nothing like that. He’s just… acting a little differently this past week and I wanted to ask if you knew anything?”
She bowed her head, allowing loose strands of her hair to fall into her face. “Different how?”
“He’s sleeping in and takes longer to wake up. Nothing about our routine has changed so I know he’s not staying up really late or anything.” He paused to review the order of recent events in his mind, searching for any other clues. Nothing really did change except one other detail that didn’t seem significant until this moment. “Actually, he’s been getting to sleep a lot earlier than usual, too. So, uh…”
How was Reiner sleeping in when he was getting so much more of it? Not like the man was due for another growth spurt at age 22. They hadn’t started working more physically demanding assignments, either.
“It’s the end of the year,” Gabi suddenly mumbled.
“What?”
“Mr. Braun gets like this at the end of the year,” Falco elaborated. “He's more tired and withdrawn. It’s the worst around the new year and then he’s back to normal.”
That was news to Jean, who definitely didn't remember Reiner getting gloomy at the end of the year when they were cadets. He asked the kids if they knew why and both of them agreed that this was just how Reiner had always been, meaning it wasn't from something that happened since he returned home. Or at least, nothing that Gabi and Falco were aware of.
He thanked them for the information before heading off to the administrative buildings where the others from their little alliance spent most of their time. In the break room he found Armin and Connie discussing something over their cups of coffee. It didn't take long for one of them to notice his presence.
“What’s gotten into you?” Connie asked while raising an eyebrow. "You look grumpier than usual."
“It’s Reiner.” Jean sat down at the table with them, leaning back with a dramatic sigh. "He was doing so good the past couple of months. Then this week out of nowhere he suddenly hit a backslide. Guy can't wake up, isn't cracking any jokes… barely smiling. I talked to the kids but they say he's just like this at the end of the year.”
Armin frowned at the news, giving it some thought. "A lot of people get sad this time, I think. The symbolic turning of the year can make people regret all of the things they didn't get to do. For some it might remind them of their mortality. I bet the kids said it gets better after the new year, right?"
Jean nodded.
"Then that must be it," Armin concluded. "He's going to be fine. You can try cheering him up if you want to but there's no problem for you to solve."
Connie agreed, telling Jean he had nothing else to add.
While the theory was reasonable, Jean didn't know if it actually made much sense. Reiner wasn't exactly afraid of dying, Not just because he'd faced death countless times but because he'd literally wanted to kill himself as of a few months ago, not to mention however long he'd be feeling suicidal before their reunion. Jean broke from his thoughts at the sound of Armin calling his name.
"You should ask Annie," Armin instructed. "She's known him the longest and maybe something happened on the island as part of their mission that we don't know about."
So Jean went to Annie who rebuffed him in record time.
“You should ask him yourself,” she suggested, sounding as bored as usual. “Instead of asking other people to interpret what’s going on in his head.”
“I can’t just ask him something like that,” he protested, “this is Reiner we’re talking about. He’s not just gonna tell me why—”
“He’s already confided in you plenty. More than he’s probably told anyone else, to be honest. At least of those of us still left.”
Those of them still left?
Shit.
Jean immediately ran back to the administrative buildings, this time heading to a specific board room where a certain someone always worked. Once there he rushed through the door, not stopping to listen if there was an ongoing meeting, his mind too singularly focused on getting his answers.
Pieck looked up at Jean with a start, her tired eyes temporarily full of surprise, “Is something wrong?”
Catching his breath, he attempted to formulate his thoughts into a question but could only think to blurt out, “Bertholdt’s birthday!”
The already silent room became especially stark once the words settled into the air between them.
“What about it?” Pieck slumped forward in her chair, cradling her head in her hands, elbows propped on the desk in front of her.
Jean closed the door behind him and took a step closer. “His birthday… It’s coming up, right?”
Pieck nodded.
“When, exactly? I know I should remember—”
She cut him off, already several steps ahead of him, “It’s on the 30th and he’s struggled with it every year since it happened. I tried helping the first year but he expressed a need to be alone. So I did, but not before telling him he could always come to me… so far he hasn't and I hadn't planned on changing that.”
Jean furrowed his brows at the response, imagining how he would react were he in her position. Sure, leaving Reiner alone as requested was ostensibly the respectful move. However the reason Reiner perked up over the past couple of months was because Jean explicitly ignored Reiner's request to be left alone.
Hell, beyond Reiner's recent improvements, would Reiner be dead now if Jean had turned away that night he found the man crying in his tent? Would Reiner have even attempted suicide right before the Liberio Festival if Pieck had pushed more? He balled his hands into fists thinking about the way Reiner made a habit of putting himself last, like some kind of god damn martyr.
“You’re not going to leave him alone, are you?” Pieck murmured.
“Hell no,” Jean responded, his jaw clenching at the thought of turning the other way. “I can’t let that idiot mope all by himself.”
Pieck smiled at him, slightly to his surprise. Perhaps he misunderstood what she was all about, having expected her to protest. To ask him to ruffle the least feathers possible.
“You’re not going to stop me, are you?”
“No, I think it’s a good idea,” Pieck mused, her voice carrying with it a certain maternal quality he wasn't used to hearing from her. “I don’t know what it is, but I can tell you’ll get through to him. For whatever reason, you disarm him more than anyone else and you clearly use that to your advantage.”
Jean smiled back at her, “I do, yeah. If anyone needs a good kick it’s—” he paused when he noticed Pieck raise her eyebrows, “a metaphorical kick, obviously. I know I can’t beat him up indiscriminately anymore.”
“That’s right, you can’t. Not that I expect you to after everything I’ve seen going on between you two.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He narrowed his eyes at her, the mischievous grin playing on her lips not missing his notice. Sure, he’d ended up treating Reiner way better than anticipated based on the outcome of their initial reunion where he beat Reiner into a pulp. And, sure, he did spend a lot of time recently making sure the guy was okay.
Stopping him from doing something reckless. Making him take breaks instead of working himself to death. Taking him out on walks away from camp to get some air. Looking at him and wishing he would smile the way he used to during training.
Shit.
“Okay, so, I get what you’re saying but…” he hesitated.
But what?
“It’s not like I think he’s… handsome…”
Of course he did. Everyone did. He’d be foolish to deny that.
“And we’re both guys, so…”
He never had a problem with Ymir and Historia. Why should it be any different for him? Or for Reiner?
“I know it’s unconventional,” Pieck interrupted his inner debate, “but society hardly exists right now and you deserve to be happy. Both of you.”
Jean considered her words. Despite how absurd they sounded to him at first blush, he also couldn't deny that Reiner did make him happy. Somehow that miserable and often idiotic disaster of a man brought a smile to his face more often than not and almost never because Reiner tried but because he was Reiner.
But did Jean want to do more with Reiner?
“You don’t have to decide right now, there’s no timeline or due date. You’re free to consider it for as long as you need. I just ask that you actually give it some thought.”
“Why do you think he feels that way about me, though?”
Pieck shrugged then chuckled to herself. “It’s mostly a hunch, as is my theory that he doesn’t like women that much.”
His eyes widened at the suggestion of Reiner not liking women. “That’s not possible,” Jean protested, “he was absolutely obsessed with Historia Reiss during training.”
“You mean the Queen of Paradis?”
“Yes! He said he was gonna marry her. How can he not like women?”
“Wait,” she held up a hand, stopping Jean before he could say anything else. “Reiner had a crush on the Queen?”
“I mean, she wasn’t the Queen back then. She wasn’t installed until after we staged a coup and kicked her father out of power, which was after Reiner outed himself as the Armored titan.”
The former Warrior laughed again, and much heartier compared to before. It was probably the first time Jean saw her so amused before and he quickly found himself laughing, too. In retrospect, it was all so ridiculous. Reiner, in love with royalty. Himself, toppling a centuries old monarchy at age 15. Oh how hindsight tended to simplify everything and even make the truth sound fantastical.
“Porco would’ve teased him to hell and back if he knew that.”
“That’s the Jaw before Falco, right?”
Pieck nodded while wiping at her eyes.
“The woman he inherited the Jaw from was effectively the Queen’s girlfriend, so he might’ve known about Reiner’s crush. Just probably not that she was the Queen.”
“Her girlfriend, huh? To think Reiner and the girl who happened to eat Marcel would end up pining for the same person. The world is as strange as it is small, I suppose.”
Silence settled between the two of them again, the atmosphere now comfortable in light of their newfound common ground. Out of everyone, Jean knew Pieck the least but he understood now why Reiner showed so much deference to her guidance. Calm, intelligent, perceptive, charming. Practically the whole package, and not that much different from the Reiner he remembered from the Training Corps.
“If you’re right about my feelings, how do I tell him?”
“I am unfortunately not a good person to ask,” she admitted. “We all got our titans as children and romance wasn’t really in the cards for us. At least not in a serious, long term sense. So I can’t say I have any practical advice. But, whatever you do, you should probably make it pretty obvious how you feel.”
Reiner, while generally socially savvy, wasn't exactly good with emotions and did come across like someone that would shrug off advances. Especially ones from another man, let alone from a man he'd personally wronged. So the suggestion made sense to him and his mind leaped to all of the different ways to share something like that until he reminded himself that he didn’t even know how he actually felt about Reiner.
“Thank you, Pieck.”
“Anytime, Jean. Just remember to knock next time, okay?”
He laughed sheepishly before retreating from the room and walking back towards camp. All the while contemplating his personal situation, the thought of Bertholdt’s birthday and Reiner’s apparent sadness surrounding the event now pushed to the back of his mind.
Reiner was already asleep when Jean arrived back to the tent for the night. His tent mate had left for bed immediately after dinner while Jean stayed at the campfire with Connie and Levi. Though probably the last people he should’ve asked for dating advice, both for different reasons, Jean felt most comfortable opening up to them about his new predicament.
Jean sat down on the floor of their tent and looked over at Reiner while recalling how Levi had immediately understood who they were talking about. Not that it had taken Connie much longer to catch on, either.
Connie had the most salient information, which came as a surprise initially until he remembered that both of them had spent the same amount of time with Reiner over those three years in the Training Corps. Compared to Levi, who’d probably spent more time trying to kill Reiner than actually talking to him, Connie was practically a Reiner expert.
“I’m pretty sure I saw him checking out the other guys more than I ever saw him checking out ladies,” Connie had reminded him. When asked about the crush on Historia, Connie shrugged. “Reiner liked Krista, not Historia. You remember what she was like back then, right?”
Of course Jean remembered what ‘Krista’ was like. Sweeter than ice cream, as nurturing as his own mother, and pretty dull. Is that what Reiner wanted?
He continued gazing at the man in question, taking his time admiring those strong features that made Reiner look like a hero when he was barely a teen. Now in light of everything they knew about each other, Jean no longer saw that hero but rather another soldier haunted by war.
But it hadn’t just been Jean’s naive perception that shaped his earlier assessment of Reiner. No, so much of it was an act his comrade performed, not dissimilar to the one Historia also dedicated herself to for years.
Maybe hero Reiner wanted Krista but what did the real man want and could it possibly be him?
Jean reached out, picking up the edge of the blanket already draped halfway over Reiner’s body. His hand brushed against the other’s upper arm and then shoulder as he pulled the blanket up all the way. Then, somewhat absentmindedly, he reached up to brush some dust out of Reiner’s blond locks.
Though his touch was featherlight, Reiner stirred and looked up at him with tired eyes, “Jean?” He rumbled. His voice caught in his throat, restrained by sleep.
Startled, Jean yanked his hand away from Reiner’s hair, feeling the weight of incredible embarrassment crash down on him.
“Are you okay…?” Reiner looked like he was on the verge of falling back asleep and Jean only needed to respond with an affirmative to save himself.
Unfortunately the words didn't come to him, leaving Jean a sputtering mess. Nerves, he shouldn’t struggle with them after the veritable hell he had endured. His friend waking up because he touched his hair shouldn’t fluster him in the least.
Except it absolutely did and he knew it was because he ran his fingers through those locks with yearning flowing through him. With desire for Reiner in ways he somehow hadn't noticed before today. Desire that he questioned how long he'd felt.
“C’mere,” Reiner mumbled, evidently done waiting for a response. He tugged Jean down onto him so his head rested on Reiner’s chest. “I won’t tell anyone,” he yawned while adjusting the blanket to cover them both.
“W-won’t tell anyone what?” Jean stammered. His heart jumped his throat and began racing even faster when Reiner wrapped his arms around him.
“That you had ahh,” Reiner yawned again, “a bad dream. It’s… okay...” He drifted a hand up and down Jean’s arm, likely trying his best to soothe away supposed bad dreams. “Try ‘n relax… we’re safe now.”
While Jean wasn't on edge from a nightmare, the way Reiner's voice vibrated against his ear did put him at ease. Was this how Reiner felt every time Jean held him after a nightmare? Like he'd received a goodnight kiss from the sun on his forehead? Or a comforting embrace as firm as a titan's grasp?
He sighed, realizing Pieck was probably right. Those were the thoughts of a lovesick sap, there was no way around it. In Reiner's arms Jean felt warm, safe, and loved. Perhaps he could make Reiner feel the same way… maybe he already did. Part of him wanted to ask Reiner right there in that precise moment but the sound of light snoring drifting into his ear dissuaded him.
It could wait and maybe probably should.
Jean yawned as the weight of sleep began descending upon his mind. The last thought to run through his consciousness would serve as a beacon of clarity for him over the coming weeks. He needed to be sure of his feelings before confessing to Reiner because the potential consequence of indecision was heartbreak and that was a cruelty Jean didn't think he could forgive himself for inflicting.