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Eddie came home to see Buck sitting cosy on the couch. He was snuggled up in the spare duvet and pillow that he used back when he was sleeping on the couch. Back when Eddie still convinced himself that he was straight despite the fact that he was actively dreaming about pinning him best friend to a wall and watching him come undone.
“Hey hon” he said softly. He toed off his shoes, dropped his bag and coat by the door and made his way to the couch.
He assumed when he didn’t get a response that Buck was asleep. Which was odd in itself because he usually waited up until Eddie got home. He must of have been tired. Eddie tiptoed his way round the couch and saw Buck staring at the wall. He looked impossibly small and young, and his eyes seemed so distant, so vacant. Eddie instantly got worried. He walked up towards Buck and sat on the coffee table across him “hey baby” he whispered putting his hand on Bucks leg.
Buck blinked finally seeing Eddie. A smile broke on his face one so full of love and light that Eddie sighed in relief. “Hi! Sorry I didn’t hear you come in” he said as he pulled Eddie on the couch and hugged him. Eddie got under the blanket and relaxed in all the cuddles and love he was receiving.
They sat intertwined on the couch. Buck leaning his head onto Eddie’s shoulder. “I love you” Buck said after a while.
“I love you too cariño”.
Something still felt off and it was causing a knot of anxiety in Eddie’s stomach. “Everything okay?” He asked carefully as he carded a hand through Bucks luscious blonde locks.
Buck sighed and leaned further into Eddie’s touch “Yeah, just thinking about how happy I am with you and Chris”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah” he said matter-of-factly. “You know one of my biggest fears was dying alone. And there were times I was afraid to fall asleep at night because what if I didn’t wake up and I never got to feel loved. Wouldn’t that just be the saddest thing ever.”
“It’s not anymore?” Eddie asked, swallowing around the lump already in his throat.
“No, because even though my mind convinces me sometimes that this isn’t real. That you couldn’t actually be in love with me. I’ve never felt more loved than when I’m here with you and Chris. Never felt so complete. With your love, I don’t think I’d ever die alone now, it’ll always be with me”.
“That’s right” Eddie nodded vehemently. “And I will always be here to remind you anytime your mind tries to convince you otherwise. Because I love you more than you could ever imagine. I don’t think I’d know how to breathe if I didn’t have you with me “ he sniffled slightly at the thought of not having Buck in his life.
They sat in silence again until Eddie asked “what brought this on?”
“I erm I don’t want to bum you out” he said nervous all of sudden “any more than I already have” he chuckled.
“You won’t. Tell me”
“Erm well this was years ago, back before the 118. I had just moved to LA with Conor. And I had never felt so lonely and broken before. I mean I had felt it before, years of self-hating thoughts and actions trying to distract myself from it. But I could usually shake it off and find something new to focus on. A new country, a new job. A new … fling. And that way I wasn’t focusing on the ache.
But I came here and I was sharing that stupid frat house and even there every roommate of mine had someone, you know. And I didn’t want to mess up my academy training by sleeping around or getting attached to anyone so I didn’t have any friends or flings there. I just felt alone, all the time. I knew firefighting would be it for me, my purpose. So, it kind of felt like I’d never have anything new to focus on but the loneliness. I tried really hard to only focus on training, but eventually it felt like all the loneliness I’ve ever felt from since my parents house finally hit me.
Everyone around me had someone. And I’d look at myself and it was hard not to think that it was me that was the issue. I felt like I was drowning. I was so sad all the time. It was like for every good day I had, I had two weeks of feeling like I’d be better off dead. The good days just weren’t worth it anymore. I was alone and broken and it just got really bad. I didn’t think I’d make it. I didn’t think anyone would have cared if I didn’t.” he cleared his throat before continuing.
And then I got the acceptance to the 118. And I tried to focus on a new beginning. But it was always there in the background because everyone had someone to go home to. Someone who would hug them after a long shift. I mean even Chim had Tatiana back then. Just someone. Hence Buck 1.0.”
He clears his throat again shifting slightly “anyways, I just wish I knew back then that I’d get to have what I dreamt of my whole life. I’ve always wanted a home you know. My parents’ house wasn’t mine, not really, and I spent so much time jumping from place to place I never had a place to call home. But that first night I came here with you and Chris. When you let me into your life, it was like I finally got to the surface of the water, like I could finally take a breath and had a reason to keep afloat. First time I actually felt glad that I didn’t end it. So I'm just grateful.”
There was a moment of silence before Buck lifted his head slightly to see tears streaming down Eddie’s cheeks. Buck immediately hugged him “oh Ed’s” he whispered “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you”.
Eddie sniffled and blew out a breath. He placed his lips on the top of Bucks head. Breathed in his scent. “I’m so sorry you went through that alone. I wish I knew you back then so I could have shown you how loving you is the easiest thing in the world. That you deserve and are worthy of all the love in the world. That you are enough.
And I’m glad you told me. I always want you to tell me. For whatever reason, if you ever, ever feel like that again, like you don’t want to fight any more to be afloat, you tell me, okay. And I will fight for you. I’ll fight for the both of us okay.”
Buck lifted his head again and stared into Eddie’s eyes “I’ve got your back” Eddie said placing a soft kiss onto Bucks lips.
Buck smiled against his lips “you can have my back any day”
Eddie chuckled slightly “yeah or maybe, you could have mine”
“Deal”