Chapter Text
You just got fired from your customer service job. Well, not fired. Placed in “labour limbo.” To be honest, you weren’t that excited to start working, but it’s better than earning no money. This house was already damn expensive to maintain, how on earth were you going to live here without a JOB?
Just then, you got a message from an anonymous account on Thiscord.
Tinfoilhat, their username read. Supposedly, a package arrived, but you heard nothing. Oh well, not like some random would send like, a pipe bomb to your mailbox. Right?
You watched a drone clumsily smash into your windows, not even cracking them. Honestly, you were a little scared. Windows aren’t exactly reinforced titanium or anything. A few seconds passed, and just then, you heard the shattering of glass. Fucking hell. With a groan, you stood up and went to the front door. Great. You’d have to fix that. You gently grabbed the package dropped off by the drone, avoiding the shards of glass. As you opened it, you found… a pair of glasses?
They had a lovely pink-gold colored filter to them, but not something you’d personally wear. You weren’t really a glasses person, to be honest.
In your haste to open the giftbox, you almost missed the small paper inside. Dateviators, the little note read. Breathe new life into your home with these shades! Huh. Weird.
P.S: She already knows quite a bit about you, so don’t worry about introductions!
What…? Oh well, As you placed the aviators on your face, a pink haired woman sprung into your vision. You jumped, a bit shocked. "Woah, who are you?” You asked. Who the hell is this lady and why does her outfit eat so badly?
“Hey there! Your life is about to change!” The queen in pink spoke. Huh, preppy. Wait, what the hell does she mean? “Hope you’re ready!” Still haven’t answered my question, and second, "how did you get into my house?!” You began to realize just how scary this is.
This woman, regardless of how cute she is, just appeared out of nowhere, after getting a weird package from someone who SOMEHOW knows your address. Then again, you might just be hallucinating. Maybe? I mean, you haven’t been diagnosed with anything… right? “A talking pair of glasses?” You muse out loud.
“You know it! But, I’m not just any pair of glasses. I’m here to help you out!” As your fight or flight settles, you start to get a bit anxious. What if she judges you? You don't know how much she knows. What if she knows you're fucking obsessed with Jonathan Cost, from the Duty's Call series. The stranger in front of you doesn’t seem to notice, however.
“I’m a pair of dateviator glasses - my name is Skylar Specs!” She says in that cheery voice of hers. What the fuck? An actual pair of glasses? Is this woman like… Sara, your UPhone assistant? Or ooo, maybe like Jamey, from the Platinum-Man movies!
“My lenses have special properties: they allow you to ‘Directly Acknowledge a Thing’s Existence. Or ‘DATE’!” Huh… Wait- what- “You see all the things around your house? Things you might have taken for granted?” Don’t tell me. “Now you have the power to get to know them better. A LOT better.” Her voice trails off with a teasing lilt.
Now that the initial shock is starting to wear off, your brain is a lot more focused, trying to rationalize all of this new information.
Ohmygod, what if my things have been watching me all this time? Unless the glasses somehow magically create people??? Stuck in your own head, you barely hear what Skylar says next.
“And I have a feeling, just a silly old little feeling, just a grimpy gromby feeling in my lil’ tum-tum.” Bloody hell. You realize you’ve been gaping at her this whole time, and your mouth snaps shut.
“That it’ll help make your life a little lot bit more richer. And maybe find some love!” She says, hope in her voice, before continuing. “Loove that is allll around youuuu…” She sing-songs.
Yeah right, girl. I’m about as good with social interaction as a fly. Who could love that? “In fact, let’s go on a date right now.” WHAT. You feel yourself flinch, and step back.
“What? I’m not ready for that.” You say, nervousness creeping into your voice. Skylar doesn’t seem to notice, and continues. “So, we are going to Awaken our first dateable object.” You don’t really want to… But something in your gut tells you that you might miss out on something amazing if you don’t…
“Go up to a door, any door, and shoot some cool beams at it, yeah! P-Pew Pew Pew! Go Go!” She cheers on. Then, she disappears, but your glasses remain with that pretty pink gold hue.
When the silence settles in, you start to get a tad… nervous. In your spur of the moment, you latch onto whatever signs you’ve had. Surely SOMETHING must explain why this happens to you of all people? Then again, you recall that brief venture you took into tarot cards, fortune-telling, and the like.
I mean… one of the readings HAD implied love would come into my life, but… my household appliances? Really? You hesitate for a while, but eventually, you face your front door, clicking a button on the glasses, and…
When you see the man in front of you, the one thought that brings all your other thoughts to a screeching halt, is:
Oh my fucking god.
For as long as you’ve been in the house, Dorian has protected you. Standing guard, in order to keep the more fiendish of objects in check. Especially since no actual people visited the house except for your occasional friend. He was sure you two would be great friends, if only he were able to talk to you, that is.
Sure, he had always thought you to be a pretty boy. Pretty in the way you dealt with things, on the way you rambled to seemingly no one while pacing so hard Florence had to get checked by Farya for some slight burns on her arms. Not that she blamed you, after all, you didn’t know about them. That was until one day, a few months ago, he had done his routine of standing guard, until he heard Macintosh laughing to themself. Curious, because well, What if they’re plottin’ something? He approached the desktop, growing suspicious.
“Macintosh.” He greeted, making the PC freeze. They hid the tabs you had opened before you went to take a shower. Dorian’s eyes narrowed. “What were you doing?” Dorian crossed his big arms, and Mac resisted the urge to nervously laugh. Dorian was very intimidating when he wanted to be.
“Eh, hey, Dorian. Nothing. Nope! Nothing… at all.” Dorian raised a brow, questioning. Macintosh hated revealing something like this to the door, but alas. They opened the Drawinner board, as well as the 20 Works of Our Very Own tabs of the Verso x Reader fanfic you had open. As Dorian saw the tabs you previously had opened, he froze. It was a board of pictures, titled… ‘Big boys that can use me like a toy’. What in the world? He scrolled, looking at the images the human had pinned to the board, when he realized.
All these men look like me. Dorian’s face heated up. Macintosh turned to him, seemingly more bashful than him. “Um… yeah.” The computer made sure to leave the tabs as they were, lest you suspect something. Dorian cleared his throat, straightening, before he went back to his post without a word. Bloody hell. He was red for several minutes, imagining you, being into a man, err… door, like him.
Since that day, Dorian has been working extra hard. The other things in the house found out, after Wyndolyn told Scandalabra, who in particular was thrilled to know, snickering his heart away at the scandal of it all.
He soon realized that you were a fucking freak. In a good way! His- the human was clearly someone who, in Ru’bare’s words, needed to get ducked. Even the other, more… decorated, objects could agree. Lyric was tired of you buying and reading the same sweet romances between a big man and the reader-insert character, insisting it “wasn’t anything original or new for me to draw inspiration from.”
Dorian didn’t mind.
Phoenicia was going a little crazy seeing you follow a bunch of... DILFS, as she had called it. Tired of you just looking at men on your phone. But, even with all your freakiness, Dorian saw how much you cared. How you wanted something softer. Passionate, of course, but softer. It was present in the way you pretended the pillow you were hugging was a big man, there to keep you safe. It was...
Domestic.
However, a portion of the objects wistfully "shipped" you with Dorian. The impossible wish turned into a very real possibility when your crystal ball, Krysta Fortu, predicted they would one day be able to talk to you. That was a week before she was thrown into the shed in your garden, as your brief venture into fortune-telling ended, which wasn’t exactly a good sign. Even then, the objects had renewed vigor, to get themselves, and especially Dorian, as presentable as they could for you. Tony was certainly getting more work those few weeks, fixing whatever wear and tear you had (inadvertently) caused them.
(Though, in all honesty, Mitchell Linn would tell you that he just wanted to see Dorian sweaty and working out.)
So, they cornered Dorian into training. “It’s just to make sure you can protect the human,” They had dismissed, even as the door raised a brow. In the end, Dorian relented, and ‘Operation Deadbolt’, as the objects dubbed it, had begun.
Kristof had pushed Dorian to his limits, getting him even more into shape than before. Even you seemed to notice, the doorknob slipping out of your hands whenever Dorian finished a workout, damp with sweat. Though, you really just brushed it off in the end. It started getting rather strange. Remarks from Amir about the human’s favourite scent, or even Mac, the original culprit, drawing attention to some strange things, such as the phrases in… err… “Fan fiction”, that got the human flustered.
They did have unrestricted access to your webcam, after all. Also, don't remind them about the absolutely filthy comments you left on the works you read.
That wasn’t the only thing Amir did. Weirdly enough, Amir became somewhat of a close friend of Dorian’s. Long talks in the bathroom, about anything and everything. Amir had wormed his way into Dorian’s heart like a parasite. A very encouraging, very friendly parasite, but still. It was surprising, how Amir’s words of adoration broke down Dorian’s walls.
One day, however, Dorian confessed. “You know, Keith. He…” Amir perked up at that, turning to face Dorian.
“Yeah? What about Keith?” Dorian rarely brought up the man, always with a wistful look on his face. Amir couldn’t help but get curious. This so-called Keith was important to Dorian, but how? A lover? A friend? Something more? Something less? Seconds passed, Amir’s eyes searching Dorian’s for answers he couldn’t find.
Dorian broke the silence, his voice a little hoarse, “Keith was… he was a lot. We, we tried to make it work, but, Keith just… he-” Dorian paused, taking a steadying breath, “He told me that I wasn’t capable of love. Too cold, too rough. Not, err… Not loving, enough.” Dorian had to grit out the words, feeling like he’d said too much.
Amir just nodded, looking away from him before speaking, “do you think he was right? I mean, look at the rest of the household. Do they hate you?” Amir asked, eyes meeting Dorian’s with a question. “Do you think the human would hate you?”
Dorian just hummed in response, and the conversation was left at that. However, Amir’s reply had made him reflect. Not just on Keith, but on the human. His sweet boy. The unbidden thought gave Dorian pause. Did he..?
Dorian definitely didn’t want the human at all. Not. At. All. Didn’t want those gentle hands cupping his face. Didn’t want to feel your smaller body under his own. Didn’t want to hold him in his arms. Because Dorian didn’t DO love. He didn’t even know if the human would be a loyal man, didn’t know if the human wouldn’t… wouldn’t be like Keith. Hell, what if the human hated him? He couldn’t help but be paranoid.
But… you were so sweet. So kind, even when you were angry. The most aggressive thing you ever did was squeeze Regina Ru’bare as hard as possible, but even then… he wasn't all that mad. From how the duck reacted, they didn’t even seem all that fazed, maybe even enjoyed it. Besides, she had always been Rebellious (ha), a bit of a troublemaker if he did say so himself.
Maybe Dorian could open up. Just a little bit. Or just some benefits here and there, Trap Dorian had suggested. Though, as the weeks racked up, he noticed things. Phoenicia offhandedly mentioned social media posts you had liked. Supposedly some videos of two men, holding each other close, or holding hands, sentimental shite. Or something like that. He couldn’t be arsed to care. (He could, and he definitely did.)
(She had been carefully manipulating your feed, showing you videos of couples, relationships and the like. She felt guilty seeing your sad, longing face after that, but hey. She wanted to see this play out in your favor. Besides, she had a bit of a softer spot for the door, so she was rooting for you two. And, like, a lot of Krysta’s predictions had come true, so eventually, this would pay off. Right?)
Today, though, he had heard Wyndolyn groan, right as a drone hit her several forms in the office. Though, he hardly had time to switch posts before a light headache struck him. Great. That meant the front-door glass had shattered. He saw a new object appear in his vision, while you read the note and contemplated the glasses. Skylar Specs, she called herself. Here to help you speak with them? Wait, Krysta was right? He had sort of dismissed her as a bit of a nut, only humouring the other objects’ plan, since standing guard was a tad… not really all that entertaining. Not to mention the fact he slightly wanted (needed) friends in the household.
He watched as you started talking to her with a fond look in his eyes. You couldn’t see him, not yet, at least he hoped. His sweet boy, his mind provided, which gave him pause.
What if the human doesn’t actually like him? Sure, the other things seemed to really harp on how much Dorian was the human’s type, even Skylar, who only briefly met him.
He had been secretly hoping for this chance, but now, faced with his boy, he couldn’t help but panic. Hundreds of what-ifs ran through his mind. Yet, he barely had time to think about it, as Skylar finished her little introductory speech.
Dorian righted himself, defaulting to his closed off state in his moment of panic. Showtime, his brain mused. He watched you put on the glasses, which he definitely didn’t think looked absolutely adorable with them perched on your nose.
He nearly blushed when you gaped at him, finally seeing him for the first time. He knew he wasn’t exactly an unappealing man, but you gazed upon him like he was the holy grail (or holy frier, as Frial Errol would put it) of men.
But alas, he couldn’t open up just yet. He had to make sure you’d accept all of him. Even… that one. So, he fixed his face into a stoic expression, standing tall, and trying not to visibly sweat when you stared up at him with those sweet, pretty eyes of yours.
In front of your eyes was the hottest man you’ve ever seen. Well, maybe not hottest, but definitely your exact type. And apparently, he was every one of your doors. Unless there’s separate people for each door? But they all look the same… mostly.
The clearing of his throat brought you out of your thoughts, looking up at him. Wow, he’s really tall, was one of the things you first noticed. And wide. You were a little flustered, seeing this big man just there, real and large and in front of you. Well, mostly real. You weren’t sure yet.
He looked like a bouncer, was the first thought you had that wasn’t somewhere along the lines of please fuck me.
“No funny business. Those spectacles better not be used for something… untoward,” He said, voice scratching your ears just right and oh my god you definitely died and went to heaven. There was just no way a man this perfect existed in real life.
Your silent swooning was interrupted by Skylar appearing in your vision, seeming apologetic towards you as she tried to cheer up the tall stranger, “Hey Dorian! Trust me, this is going to go super well.”
You smiled shakily, trying to battle off the nervousness making its way into your bones. What if you said something stupid in front of him, oh gosh.
“You sure about that?” His hot voice and his questioning tone was not exactly doing wonders for your confidence, yet you knew like you had to say SOMETHING, anything!
“I am chaos reborn,” You said, aiming for sarcastic and confident but landing on unsure. You cursed yourself when Dorian shot you what seemed to be a disapproving glance.”But, um, I’m looking for love.” You tried to course-correct, but doubly cursed when his expression didn’t ease up.
“Love? What a gas.” Dorian spoke, voice clipped like he was simply disgusted with the idea. “I believe everyone here should be friends.” You nearly slumped in defeat, but you managed to at least keep your dignity intact. For now.
Skylar then explained some basic things about the dateviators, how an object will be able to roam freely around the house once awakened, and even changes in relationship status. She called herself a big advocate for love, all while glancing between you and Dorian knowingly.
“Though it’s not necessarily the most… convenient option for me.” Dorian mumbled, a little unsure about it. You weren't sure why he was unsure, but you are NOT the ‘I can fix him’ type so he can deal with that on his own time. But like, he’s fine as hell though… that reckless voice in your head countered.
“Dorian here is a big defender of Friendship.” Skylar said it with a slight roll of her eyes. So one of those situationship suckers? “If everyone were friends, the world would be an awful lot safer in my opinion,” Nevermind. Seems his personality somewhat matches how hot he is in terms of quality.
“I’ve seen the… complications… of love. I’ve lived through the jealous quarrels of hate. The true bond is one between two people who are honest and devoted to each other, with none of the intricacies of subterfuge.” Dorian speaks, looking away. I can devote anything to you, if you want me, you want to tell him. But you don’t.
“That’s our bouncer Dorian talking – but you can go towards whichever one you like.” Skylar says, though she’s a little shocked. She definitely was expecting Dorian to say something exclusively about friendship. She seems a bit hesitant to speak the next line, “Even… hate, which isn’t my fave, personally.”
“You speakin’ of Reggie?” Dorian asks, a scowl on his once softened face. Huh, who’s Reggie? “Eugh, don’t remind me…” Skylar sounds a bit more disdainful than you’ve ever heard her in your… well, rather brief time with her.
“Human, you seem like a good sort. So we’ll be friends. For now.” He sounds the slightest bit hopeful. You blush, looking away. “Feels good, yeah? But friendship gets you even more than that.” She then explained some dumb shit called SPECs points, which just sounded unnecessarily convoluted to you. Can’t I just say whatever I want? Not like this is some video game or whatever.
“I feel… ever so slightly more confident,” You say, trying to placate Skylar. “You wear it well,” is what Dorian answered, and I want you to not wear anything you fucking- Anyway.
Skylar then tried to take you on a side quest which you, regrettably, followed, but you still remembered the butterflies in your stomach when Dorian called you “love,” far softer and more fond than he seemingly meant to do. At this rate, you were absolutely going to bring your crystal ball back, just to see if he could be yours.
Dorian could practically hear you screaming into your pillow, a desperate scream he recognized as the one that occurred whenever an attractive, large man visited. Mostly the repairmen or whenever you got a date. Not that you got many, Dorian noted with a possessive thrill melancholy. He felt his cheeks heat up a touch, knowing that none of the other objects Skylar took you to were any kind of male. Not that Betty, Maggie, and Phoenicia weren't absolutely gorgeous. (though he wasn't into them. He just... swings differently.)
So that pretty scream was for him. Dorian suppressed a shudder, standing guard inside your bedroom. You had taken off the dateviators, (thank god those things had battery) and were now in your bed. Betty glanced at him knowingly, a smirk on her lips as she winked.
“Seems he likes you, Dorian.” She gave him a small, teasing laugh. Dorian’s eye twitched.
He was in trouble now.
Skylar had been introducing herself to all the objects in your house while you were in your bed.
She found some of the dateables were quite… how would I put this… difficult, to which she labeled them as ‘Content Aware’, lest the human meet them and get triggered. Skylar didn’t really know you, so she wanted to cover all of her bases. There was still ONE presence she was missing. She could sense that one last dateable out of the 99 she had met was the key to a mystery she wasn't quite sure of yet. Just a little hunch.
Skylar sighed, retreating to the bedroom with a tired look behind her glasses. “There’s so many dateables… Geez.” She smiled, seeing the human all tuckered out from their fanboying. Truth was, she had already started planning. She had spoken to Mac, seeing the human’s history, trying to figure out which dateables to point them to.
It seemed like the human had a very clear type. Big strong, masculine men. Skylar wasn’t really surprised, given how they’d reacted to Dorian, but still. She hadn’t expected it to be THAT BAD. Entire fucking tab groups as the browser had labelled them, dedicated to those kinds of men. She was a little bit curious seeing the kind of… content you consumed, but Mac reminded her not to pry.
She made a mental list of the dateables you would like. Even half-arranged something with Timothy, though the cat clock was VERY displeased she hadn’t made an appointment. She interrupted his schhhedule.
She briefly contemplated subjecting you to Doug, but she decided to use it as a last resort. “Okay, so, Timmy? Can I call you that? Anyway Timothy Timmy Timepiece, let’s run that back one more time, ‘kay?” Timothy glared at her, but he sighed.
“The human will first speak to Dorian, and you will then send them over to certain objects in this order: Abel, Tony, Cabrizzio, Drysdale and Washford, Tyrell, Stefan, Wallace, and then whatever other buffoons you think the human might enjoy… spending time with.” Timothy hissed, disgruntled. He didn’t care for this plan, but Skylar was surprisingly convincing. “Now go. Next time make an APPOINTMENT, lest you ruin my schhhhedule.”
Skylar smiled politely, “Alright, thanks Timothy. I owe you one.” Skylar finished softly, trying to placate him if only a little. She returned to her physical form with a sigh. Following that specific schedule was going to be impossible, given her battery life. Then again, she could just let the human talk to Dorian for as long as he pleased. Maybe the human might even talk to all seventeen (yes, she counted) versions of the door.
Timothy might freak out if she did, though. This was going to be long, but hopefully, just hopefully, worth it? She wanted the human invested in the dateviators, and as far as she knew this might be the key. Ha. Key. Door. Maybe she was a bit delusional already.
Game on, human.